2024-08-30: This 'Feeling of Powerlessness'
- Log: This 'Feeling of Powerlessness'
- Cast: Ruri Hoshino, Alto Saotome
- Where: The Nadesico
- Date: 2024-08-30
- Summary: Ruri seeks out Alto as the dust settles after Break The World; now she's not focused on the mission, she can tell something's wrong. But even with her surprisingly good guesses, she's still inexperienced in the realm of reaching out to other people. Alto shares his fears and feelings with her, but he's a much better actor -- and when he points them back towards the future, Ruri doesn't examine why. Surely he'll work something out, right?
<Pose Tracker> Ruri Hoshino has posed.
The Nadesico heads back to Orb; the Admiral and the Captain will make sure there are no tensions between them and NUNE, but for now, the ship is still.
And Ruri, technically, doesn't need to be on the bridge any more.
"Excuse me," she says, mildly, as she places Break Tanuki on her chair. "I'm leaving, but I'll come back."
"Take care," Minato says, more coloured by concern than office greetings, right now. No one challenges her stepping out of the bridge; she's hardly the first person to have done so.
(Once she leaves, Minato will take advantage of the otherwise-empty bridge to have a cry of her own.)
Ruri isn't crying, though. Ruri isn't... the type, to cry. Instead, she makes her way through the decks to the personal quarters, and finds the room they've reserved for Alto's use. He may only be a guest, on the Nadesico, but he's a welcome one; they keep a bed aside for him, even now they're working for different agencies.
She reaches up, and knocks on the door.
"Alto-san," Ruri's voice carries through, mild as ever, "are you there?"
<Pose Tracker> Alto Saotome has posed.
As Ruri's knock and voice echoes through the door into the dark quarters, Alto is currently sitting on the bed, leaning against the wall. His pilot suit has been haphazardly dropped to the floor, Alto having changed into a simple set of pants and singlet that was made available. Well, there were actually more clothes available but he didn't feel like putting on much more.
He is there though, and he's awake. For a moment he remains silent. And had it been Ryoko, or Lucine, or Liam, or hell even Captain Misumaru herself... Alto likely would have remained so. For all that he considers many on the Nadesico to be friends, he wasn't particularly feeling up to company right now.
But Ruri is a different matter. Perhaps it's because he knows that with her attitude, she doesn't do anything without a good reason. Something he appreciates. Or perhaps it's because she's almost like a little sister to him.
Whatever the reason, Alto drags himself up from the bed, over to the door and presses the button to open it. The sight that greets Ruri is...
... Actually pretty normal. Though his choice of clothes do slightly reveal some bruises where he was strapped into his cockpit. It was a rather rough battle after all. Still, his expression seems pretty normal as he gives Ruri a quizzical look, "Ruri? What brings you here?"
Of course, one must keep in mind that Alto used to be a really, REALLY good actor.
<Pose Tracker> Ruri Hoshino has posed.
Ruri has never once acted in her life. Oh, she suppressed her reactions, of course, painfully aware of how much she was being monitored... and those skills are to acting as sandwiches are to a three-course meal.
(A little basic.)
It means that when she looks up to Alto, she blinks those big, golden eyes -- just a little too gold, as if she was replaced by a changeling when she was young -- and the sadness on her expression isn't changed to anything else. It's subtle, of course, because every expression she wears is subtle... but Alto's known her long enough to know what that slight arc of her brow and downturn of her lips really means.
"I wanted to come and see you," she says, quite earnestly. "After what happened. May I come in?"
She at least doesn't see anything wrong with his plain choice of clothing. It's pretty normal for pilots to go around like that, and it's not like her uniform isn't standard issue, either.
<Pose Tracker> Alto Saotome has posed.
Alto does notice something is up and it does make him worry a little. It also makes him realise that no doubt Ruri was affected by what happened too. Despite what some might think, it's clear that she still feels. The concern actually helps distract him a little as he says, "Uh, sure, come on in."
Alto steps aside, letting Ruri in before the door closes behind her. He motions, "Have a seat if you want." Though these guest quarters aren't exactly the largest on the ship (which makes sense for a transient pilot like Alto who generally doesn't need much) and so options for seating falls to either the office chair at the desk or on the bed.
Alto then spots the flight suit still lying on the ground, he swiftly walks over to pick it up, "Sorry about the mess, I was a little tired after the battle."
Alto shoves the flight suit into a closet before turning around and leaning against its door. Looking at Ruri he asks, "How are you doing after all that? Did the Nadesico suffer much damage? Is Omoikane okay?" Definitely not a subconscious attempt at a misdirection from his own status. Well okay, maybe a little. Though he still does care.
<Pose Tracker> Ruri Hoshino has posed.
Ruri goes and perches on the office chair, of course, because it would be invasive to sit on someone else's bed. She read all about that.
Which is totally normal. That's how most people figure the world out. That's why encyclopedias exist. (So why isn't there an entry which explains all this?)
"It's all right," Ruri says, when he picks up his pilot suit. "I haven't even gone back to my room yet. There were still things on the bridge I had to take care of." She kept working after that... of course she did.
Maybe she needed to keep busy, but she'd just say she had to take care of all her tasks before she did anything else.
"Omoikane is okay," she answers his last question, first. (It's the most important one, after all.) "He's really upset... but everyone on the ship is, I suppose. But he's not physically hurt," she adds, with a little shake of her head. "And the Nadesico is okay, too. Captain Oono's final attack was hard on us, but the Distortion Field held up, so we're still okay."
She pauses, folding one ankle over another under the chair. "I handled all the data-based post-battle reports already," she says, "so it won't hang over anyone's head. Well, there's still more paperwork for the Captain, but I can't do anything about that. Analysis of our scans shows the damage was pretty extensive... I've highlighted the most vulnerable population areas which weren't destroyed completely. Maybe we can go and help."
Which is -- well --
Technically, it is what she was doing after all that.
Technically, she answered the question.
"Everyone's having a hard time," she says, instead. "The Nadesico is full of unsettled people right now. Maybe they're thinking that it would have been better if we'd fired the Phase Transition Cannon when it was possible to aim it better... even though we don't know what might have happened with that strange Distortion Field. Or maybe if we'd really just rammed the Nadesico into it... we have a Distortion Field, too, and the Nadesico is larger than an Aestivalis. Maybe it would have worked... is what's on people's minds, I think."
It's on someone's mind, anyway.
"It would have been nice if there was something we could have done," she says, downcast. "If there was some way to protect everyone, even if it cost our lives. But we could only do that much... and a lot of people died. And Erina-san is being more strict than usual... I heard someone out there blaming Coordinators over the radio, Alto-san. But I couldn't say anything... about who really did it."
It would be nice if only one person blamed the Coordinators for what happened.
It would be nice if today had never happened at all.
<Pose Tracker> Alto Saotome has posed.
It would make a whole lot of things in Alto's life much easier if everything was covered in encyclopedias. So. Many. Things.
"That's good." Alto replies as Ruri mentions that Omoikane is okay. He only briefly ponders the strangeness of him being happy that an AI is unharmed. Although it was before his time, the Sharon Apple incident is one that has left its mark not just on Earth but also those from beyond the Earth Sphere, where she originated. Hence the warning of her story is still fresh, and AI restrictions still quite heavy. Though Alto has worked with quite a few now, so it's not as strange as it used to be.
Ruri goes on to explain how she completed her work and Alto actually smiles, "It's always impressed me how diligent you are. Rarely a month goes by where the Major Lee doesn't berate me for filing a mission report late." Even at school Alto was more interested in flying his Ex-Gear than doing his assignments. Perhaps that's the nature of a pilot, the type who would rather fly free than be tied to a computer doing reports.
However, they get to the crux of the matter. Extensive damage. Population areas completely destroyed. Even more badly damaged. Alto goes quiet as Ruri continues, putting into words things that he himself has been wondering. Not specifically about what the Nadesico had done, of course. But rather what more he could have done.
Alto murmurs, "At least you were able to think of some options, even if their chance of success was low." He couldn't even do that much... He couldn't even say that ramming his Valkyrie into it would do anything. It'd be like a bug on his fighter's canopy.
Alto pushes himself away from the wall to go and sit on the edge of the bed, "Right, the Coordinators..." Great, this is going to make his time in the PLANTs even worse, he expects. Still, "Finding blame... Seems kind of pointless, right now. I mean, is it the Coordinators who set Junius 7's course? They weren't even the only ones there defending it. Nor was it just the Jovians who built the Distortion Field around it. Or perhaps the Federation, now NUNE, is to blame for nuking Junius 7. Or Patrick Zala for working up the extremists with his genocidal racism. We also failed to stop it in the end..." He's blaming himself for what happened.
Is he even wrong to? Maybe a part of him realises that he ran away from the situation when he couldn't resolve it. Leaving Ryoko to face it in his stead. Using the damage to his machine and lack of firepower as an excuse. After all, the Nadesico didn't run away. Ruri didn't run away. She continued doing her job until the end. And then even beyond. While he just holed up in his quarters.
He's a terrible older brother, isn't he?
The cacophony of thoughts are hinted on Alto's face as he sits quietly, trying to figure out just what it is that he's feeling.
He finally says, "... There's plenty of blame to go around."
And then it dawns on him.
Is... Is Ruri blaming herself, too?
Alto wants to say it's not her fault. But he realises that would just make him a hypocrite. Her being younger is no excuse. She's the operator of one of the most advanced ships in the Earth Sphere. She has just as much right as him to shoulder the blame. Nor can he simply say it wasn't her responsibility as she wasn't the captain. Despite her clear obedience in following orders, he knows she'd also happily act on her own if she felt it was necessary. Such as when she was protecting Omoikane from those who tried to destroy him.
Alto lets out a groan of annoyance and rubs vigorously at his hair, "Ahhhhh! There's just no easy answer to any of this!" He unknowingly echoes Ruri's thoughts, saying, "Would be nice if I could just go back to this morning when everything was so much simpler."
<Pose Tracker> Ruri Hoshino has posed.
There's a good reason Ruri worked so hard to keep Omoikane hidden away. The world... wouldn't be very nice to him.
"If I don't do the work," she points out, quite sensibly, "it doesn't go away." Which is entirely logical, and probably far too logical for a sixteen-year-old. Entire adults have had to tell Ruri to stop being such a workaholic. Even the Admiral herself!
Their efforts have met with... moderate success. Ruri takes shore leave, now. Occasionally.
She listens, quietly, watching Alto with those owlish gold eyes as he works through who's to blame. She has a sense of that blame, the way it inhabits the avenues he explores, draped over it all like a funeral shroud. Blame is an elemental property, now, and it's flooding the room.
Ruri can't quite intuit where that blame is pointed -- but she can guess that the place where Alto trails off is where his train of thought ends.
"There are a lot of factors to blame," she agrees, looking down at her hands as they lace in her lap, not quite able to tell him there's no blame at all. She still remembers what Asuka told her, when she was young. It's not that she doesn't think Alto is being hard on himself -- she heard what he was saying, out there, over the radio -- but she can't lie about it, either.
What should she say...?
She's trapped in her own labyrinth of logic, turning over everything in her head, when Alto's exclamation hauses her to look up again. "?" She asks, somehow vocalising an entire question mark.
And then, she tilts her head.
"Ahhhh," she says, as flat and stoic as she always sounds. "Mm, it's like that. I'm kind of jealous of the people who can go back to their quarters and scream... I'm not very good at it. But it's all very frustrating. And... it's frightening, too." Her hands tighten in her lap, as she admits, more directly: "I'm frightened."
Someone who has always observed the high emotions of her ship at a distance just isn't very good at owning her own, apparently.
"It was surprising to me when your Reaction Warhead didn't break up Junius Seven, too. It was very powerful. And... it seemed like it was hard to see it not work at all. It's not like you said anything strange, but... it just felt that way to me. I guess I should have said something... but when I'm in a mission, I don't really feel my feelings, Alto-san." She unlaces her hands, to turn one around, looking at the tattoo on its back. "The IFS makes most people angrier and more hot-blooded when they're fighting. It doesn't affect me that way, but that doesn't mean I'm not affected. So I know I could have said something, now it's over... but I didn't think that way at the time. And you just had to come back on your own. Um... was it hard?"
She worries about him, too.
<Pose Tracker> Alto Saotome has posed.
Ruri is such a hard worker.
Which, much like the aforementioned adults, Alto thinks might be a bit too much of a problem. Though in his defence, he is thinking this based on his own experiences. As he recalls back to those days when he worked very hard to train as a kabuki actor.
He's not going to nag though. Not unless the situation gets worse. Besides, there are far more heavy matters to deal with right now.
Alto blinks in a little surprise. Was it his imagination or was Ruri just trying to copy him and cry out in annoyance? It was actually kind of adorable. Though he holds in a chuckle. Especially as she explains her frustration at being unable to express herself.
And especially as she says she's frightened.
For some reason Alto briefly imagines what Ranka would do if she were here instead of him. He guesses she would rush over to Ruri, take her hands and reassure her that things will be alright.
That's not what he does, obviously. He's not going to try and shield Ruri from the truth of this world. While there might be good intentions behind doing so, he feels like it would be a disservice to her. In fact, he admits instead, "So am I..." Though possibly not for the same reasons. Still, perhaps there is a different type of reassurance there, knowing that you're not the only one who's scared.
As Ruri brings up the failure of the Reaction Warhead, Alto admits, "I was surprised too... I was sure it would do something." Let's face it. He was expecting to go in there, fire them off and help blow Junius 7 into itty bitty pieces before it even reached the atmosphere. He wasn't the only one either as the League organised, through the Frontier's Defense Fleet, to equip him with those missiles. But then he lost one in the fight with Himeyuri... And the other didn't stop the tragedy from occurring. It barely even seemed to make a dent.
But then it seems like Ruri is apologising? Even trying to explain herself. But Alto waves it off, "It's fine. It was a chaotic situation and you were busy. And yeah, I've kind of noticed how the IFS has affected some people." Pause. "Except maybe Ryoko. She always seems hot-blooded."
Joking aside, Alto looks down at the floor as Ruri asks if it was hard to fail like that and come back. While he was open to admit he was scared, he seems reluctant to admit this. But he eventually does nod, "Yes... But it's not just then. With the Vajra too... Each time they adapt, I become more useless. It's gotten to the point where even Ranka has to go out onto the battlefield now..." His failure there too is now putting her at greater risk.
Alto looks up at Ruri again and gives her a sad smile, "I guess I'm kind of jealous of you in that way... Sometimes I wish I could not feel my feelings as strongly as I do." As strongly as he was trained to. One of the reasons he ran away from theatre.
Another case of him running.
Finally, Alto realising how pathetic he sounds right now. He shouldn't be doing this. He should set a better example! He raises his hands...
And slaps his cheeks with both of them!
He stands up, "We should focus on what's important. We're still alive. Which is a damned sight better than the alternative. It means we still have a chance."
<Pose Tracker> Ruri Hoshino has posed.
Ruri just isn't very good at screaming. Sure, maybe if a Vajra burst through the door right now... but surely the day can't get worse than it has.
At least Alto's scared, too. She nods, quietly, when she hears that. It's not that Ruri is happy he's frightened, but it means she's not the only one who is.
"I did, too," Ruri says, though it's not so much that she thought the warheads would do something -- as much as she was sure Alto would do something. He's always been able to fight against the things threatening them! Even the kinds of Vajra who burst in through the door. "When you weren't able to turn it away at all... looking back, I guess that's when I first realised it was a different problem to the ones we've always fought before. It's hard when a problem is that big." Big enough, in fact, that even Alto couldn't affect it... which Ruri, evidently, put a lot of stock into.
She's always had strong faith in his ability to protect them. She was still quite young when she ventured onto that wrecked ship with everyone, after all. It sticks with her.
"... I wonder if Ryoko-san is affected most of all," Ruri says, and it sounds like it's arguing Alto's point... but she isn't, really. What happens when someone who's already hot-blooded gets the IFS?
Ruri blinks, looking up to Alto, as he admits his own feelings. "Alto-san... do you feel like you're being left behind?" She asks, because she's never been able to not be incisive, even when she isn't trying to be scathing. "Because... I don't believe you will be. Even if you need to adapt, just like the Vajra do. I think you're a brave person," she says, despite his retreat. (Perhaps she doesn't view it as running away. Retreat can be a tactical decision, in her logical mind.) "... and you're kinder than our enemies, too." Why else would be be so worried about Ranka having to put herself in danger?
But Alto slaps his cheeks, and declares that they should focus, and Ruri... smiles? The world must have ended. Don't worry, it's brief; her face isn't broken. "You're right," she says, as she picks herself up, too. "There's got to still be something we can do. If we can be kind and brave, we might change something, after all."
She pauses, her head tilting, as she thinks back to... a secret note on one of the Nadesico's guests.
"I can start now," she decides, as she dips her head. "Thank you for letting me in, Alto-san. I'll see you later."
And so she hurries off, to makes some very good decisions.
<Pose Tracker> Alto Saotome has posed.
"Was it though?" Alto wonders as Ruri suggests it was a different problem than the one's they've faced before. He looks at her, "We travelled half way across the galaxy. Survived an exploding planet. Rescued Ranka from deep within a heavily armed fortress and then defeated a massive Vajra invasion fleet. The Vajra Semi-Queen even had a Fold Distortion Barrier protecting it. We still killed it." Seriously, this should have been a cakewalk for them...
So what was different? Was it simply the 'human' factor?
Or is Alto seriously concerned that he's being left behind? The way he glances away as Ruri asks that seems to confirm it. But she insists that he's brave and kind and will be able to adapt. It sounds nice and he replies, "Perhaps..." But he's not sure how. The obstacles coming at him seem to be getting harder and harder and yet he's not much more than he was two years ago.
Still, thinking about this right now is getting him nowhere. Thankfully snapping himself out of this state seems to also encourage Ruri. Though admittedly talking about it helped him notice the state he was in. Which is thanks to Ruri.
So as she seems to get an idea and starts to head out, Alto nods in reply, also saying in return, "Thanks, Ruri. If you need help with anything at anytime, let me know. I'll... Work something out." He's probably thinking about the current issues with their respective masters. It's definitely not making things easy.