2023-01-06: I Am A Kaiju?
- Cast: Eisen Daiwel, Rei Ayanami
- Where: Tsutsujidai - Kamesan Park
- Date: U.C. 0097 01 06
- Summary: Eisen seeks out Rei in order to talk about bonds and how painful they can be, and learns to look at the world through a new lens.
<Pose Tracker> Eisen Daiwel has posed.
Rain. It's still raining.
A few days ago now, Kaworu came to him bringing him some food at his lab. A letter by Gridman, and a lovely ornament. Eisen had been quiet at the time, too lost in thought on how to really respond. His mind still stuck on processing a very different question. That very same ornament now hangs up in his lab, prominently displayed above his main terminal.
Wearing a rather aeshetic longcoat, including lit neon lights within the collar of the longcoat itself, and a few markers on the outside, he makes his way through the park. Thick beads of water constantly drip off of the tricorn hat he's wearing, and heavy boots create splashes out of the puddles. The constant rain has made a mess of the grass in the park, meaning that mud tries to cake onto the dark leather.
He'd heard from others that Rei had gone back to the park after spending hours at the Greenhouse. It'd taken quite a bit of his mental fortitude not to just give up on this, and actually push through and head to this place afterwards.
The giant, Unit-00, stands out amongst it all. Like a quiet giant human, unlike his own Evangelion. Less... monstrous somehow, in his eyes. The youth takes a moment to look at its form, before he carries on forward, trying to figure out where Rei has settled in. Half expecting to see a spartan looking tent filled with some medicine, and otherwise kept pristine and empty.
He doesn't wish to call out her name, in case she's asleep. Some part of him still trying to ward him off of opening up and reaching out to someone like this.
He can still turn around and just... walk away. Avoid the risk.
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
Eisen is actually close. Rei isn't in a tent... she's in a pre-fabricated shelter! It's located at the top of some scaffolding that is meant to allow (in principle) general access and (in practice) Rei Access to the Entry Plug. EVA-00 has been brought down into a sort of tucked dogeza position, likely in order to avoid scaring the people of Tsutsujidai.
The shelter is a very small place, with a miniscule 'general' space, an equally miniscule space for sleeping, and a 'utilities' area which includes the battery (run on photovoltaic energy... it's keeping a very weak charge, and has probably had to be topped off from the power trunk connected from EVA-00) and the necessary water materials. There's been water, at least.
Rei is standing in the shelter, visible through the transparent if slightly dirty window panes, and she appears to be eating a rice ball.
Her head turns.
She sees Eisen.
Rei blinks several times, and then steps to pull open the entranceway cover. "Daiwel," she says. "Do you want tea?"
<Pose Tracker> Eisen Daiwel has posed.
Rice balls. Surely, the ration situation hasn't gotten that bad already?
The youth's eyes shift to meet her as she steps to open the cover itself, taking note of the plugsuit she is wearing, though minus the clips. She'd probably spot under the longcoat, that the young man is wearing the same thing. The hat hiding whether or not the clips are being worn at this time. "Always ready to deploy." He remarks when she speaks his last name with this little sly grin.
He then inclines his head. "I'll accept some tea." As he takes this as a welcome and will follow her in, assuming the entrance way is being held open for him.
"How... are you doing, Ayanami?" The European Child inquires with Rei in a bit of an aloof tone, while considering how much taller he is than her upon entry. Not as a matter of ego, but rather... another reminder to himself. The difference between himself and the others. He feels like he doesn't need to ask her if she's taking enough medicine or vitamins to keep healthy.
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
It hasn't, although rice balls have certainly *appeared*. They usually have a filling, even if that filling may be a little scanty and thin. Perhaps Rei saved hers until now, or had kept it from the last pack. It is a rather spartan thing, but perhaps it suits the mood.
At the first statement, Rei blinks, not seeming to 'get it'. But tea... "Yes," Rei says. She turns to step to the little nook, filling the small electric kettle. There is technically room for two people to sit, but in practice, only one. It's not a phone booth, but this shelter could be put on a trailer and towed behind a standard car without too much difficulty.
She opens up the little cabinet, takes out a silver packet, opens it; puts a teabag into a black mug with the NERV logo on it.
A question.
"I am well, I think," Rei says, after several seconds of thought. She clicks the button on the kettle, leaving it to warm up.
She turns to face Eisen.
"Are you well?"
<Pose Tracker> Eisen Daiwel has posed.
Eisen is tall. Certainly compared to most of the kind of construction that a place like Tsutsujidai uses. So when he finally gets near the treshold, he has to duck.
Realizing how sparse this place is when it comes to room, he remains near the entrance. Hunched a bit, his head poking into the room, but his feet still slightly outside. Symbolism, from a certain camera's perspective.
He goes quiet when she starts working on the tea, listening to her state she is well. Conversation between the two is... sparse. Before all of this at Tsutsujidai, Eisen would no doubt have filled the air with some Chuuni nonsense, saying a lot without actually truly saying anything. At least... not at a wavelength people commonly understood.
But now he's simply more reserved. Quiet.
When she turns to face him, his head tilts back a bit. Almost like he were backing off from her words. This means hitting the back of his head against the entrance of the place, and seeing light in front of his eyes for a moment as he hisses out a little curse. His hand instinctively coming up, rubbing the inevitable lump that will form there.
It also gives him time to answer. To think it through. To come to the same answer that has been in his heart, but did not get spoken last time.
A wry smile as he says... "No." And steps the rest of the way past the treshold, shifting to tuck against the wall. Using it to shield his back, as he finally is... inside.
The view from outside finally stops seeing either of the people here anymore. Instead, there's just rain, her little shelter, and the silent shape of Unit-00.
Inside... it's warmer.
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
The water takes time to heat. It's not a strong kettle. It's a field expedient, for hot drinks and instant noodles.
It still does make the windows fog up a bit more.
The rain patters faintly.
Rei says, "Oh."
There's a faint seething noise from the kettle.
"Are you afraid?" Rei then asks.
She doesn't fidget, at least. She kept standing there, leaning her backside against the kitchen nook, watching Eisen. She seems to be in no rush to sit down.
<Pose Tracker> Eisen Daiwel has posed.
Rei Ayanami's answer is punctuated by the shrill kettle, which draws Eisen's ire for a moment. There's a subtle wince at the loud noise, causing his right eye to close a bit. She can't see the eye itself behind the device he wears over it, but the way the muscles pinch in the region still make it very clear that the wince is very physical.
When she asks him if he is afraid, he goes quiet in response. His gaze falling away from her, and towards the kettle. A point to focus on, while his brow furrows a bit. He is taking his time to answer her. Subtle movements of his eyes suggest that he's thinking. But to a regular person in conversation, it might almost seem like he's just ignoring the question, or is refusing to answer.
It takes a good minute before he finally answers, "Yes. I think." The answer isn't as certain as the last. "I am afraid of what it means to create ties between myself and other people." Which isn't entirely the truth, but it approaches it well enough for what he wants to get across.
Trying to ease the tension he himself feels, his mind quickly skips to something else. Seemingly a complete non-sequitor to the actual importance of the conversation in hand; "Do you have another mug for that tea?" As if to say 'are you prepared to have guests?'
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
Eisen has an answer that is rather surprising, or at least, not something that comes up by such names very often. But Rei has little frame of reference. She blinks once, and then nods slightly. "Yes," she says. "I think that I understand."
The kettle steams. Rei clicks it off, and pours water into that one mug. "I don't drink it for now," Rei says. "Don't refuse it, or I'll throw it out."
Did something happen?
Almost certainly.
Rei walks over to proffer the mug, saying as it sits in the gloved hands of the First Child (which are, of course, easily able to handle heat on this relatively petty scale), "It isn't very good tea."
But it is what it is, and it is here, too.
After passing it over, or setting it down, or even as she holds it, Rei says, "What do you think it is that creates the ties?"
<Pose Tracker> Eisen Daiwel has posed.
"I understand." Eisen answers when Rei says she will not drink it for now. "I won't refuse, that would be rude." He accepts the mug in his own gloved hands, and blows a bit on the hot water. Sniffing at it.
It isn't very good tea.
"It's okay. There's also no milk." He answers her, taking his time to blow at it and try to get the heat to die down a bit. The gloves eliminate his ability to properly feel the heat, so he keeps it closer to his chest, letting the heat radiate against his face a bit so he can get a rough measurement.
"Hmmm..." He looks down at the tea itself. The heat of it is fogging up the device on the right, so it clicks and sounds like it is 'switching' in some way. Rattling a bit, until it comes to a quiet whirr again.
"Mutual understanding...?" He asks, more than states. "If I think about the people who..." Make his chest hurt? Who he 'cares' for? What does it even mean to 'care'? "... I would prefer not leave me. It's enough shared experiences done together. But that's more... an acquiantance. I think there's more to it. To open up to eachother. To give eachother something of oneself." He offers, not quite sure how to explain this at all.
"And once given, you can't get that piece back. So when it gets mishandled, it hurts."
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
Milk? Rei thinks, irrelevantly.
Rei can be profoundly Japanese in ways she does not even consider.
"Yes," Rei says, at Eisen's description.
Time spreads; it fills the air. It's still in here, despite the constant static-patter of the rain.
"I don't know what can be done about it. But, they give you 'reasons to exist,'" Rei says.
And --
You might expect more to be said in a space like this. More of a thought, something perhaps gentler, and Rei's tone was gentle, even by her standards. If it was not as soft as it could be, it was only to admit that the rain is making its sounds right now, and to be too quiet is to risk having your voice drown into that static.
But it seems to be the limits of her thought. Rei turns, after perhaps twenty seconds, to walk back to the little kitchen nook (which is like two steps so she can be addressed casually). She puts a large water cup in the sink, and turns on the tap.
<Pose Tracker> Eisen Daiwel has posed.
There's a few puffs of breath, before the youth finally takes a sip of the tea. It's... lacking in flavor. Which makes it bitter, being a tea.
"The devil's plant..." He whispers to himself. Eisen has an incredible sweet-tooth, so he's not huge on bitter flavors. But still, he takes another drink.
Hearing Rei say that though... Eisen pauses. "Do you really need that? Are... 'friends' so important? Isn't what we have enough already? The Angels. The Kaiju. Our jobs and our hobbies. Aren't they... enough reason to exist?" He asks of her, while wondering if that is something Rei even has an answer for.
In his eyes, she isn't so far removed from the likes of Alloy. People who are still figuring out what it means to be a person. Of course, such thoughts are partially hypocritical. Eisen himself, after all, considers himself a 'monster', partially because he's... less able to understand people.
"If they're just going to hurt you... is the pain worth it?"
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
"If humans did not exist, why would it matter if the Angels succeeded?" Rei says, as the cup fills. She turns the water off, leaving the cup half-filled, and takes it out. Another cabinet is opened. Out comes a pill tray.
THOSE she has plenty of.
She looks back towards Eisen. "Kaiju also seek people," Rei says. "Not all, but some. Their bodies are strange, and many are hostile, but once, it was said so, by man against other men." A palmful of pills into the mouth; water.
It gives her time to think.
"If you were never seen," Rei says, "by other people."
"What would you be?"
<Pose Tracker> Eisen Daiwel has posed.
Eisen's expression evens out as Rei asks him that... feels like it has an obvious answer. But there's something beneath the surface of it all. Sure, he doesn't need bonds with humans. That's what he always felt. That it was okay to keep them at a distance. But... humans. Humans wouldn't exist if they didn't create bonds with eachother. The idea of humanity without their smiles, their live... holding hands. It doesn't feel like humanity.
The youth can't help but let out an almost disgusted laugh. A single 'teh' from the side of his lips, as he touches his hand over his face and looks away.
That's right. That's that feeling, isn't it?
That's the problem.
He wants to protect humanity, but he himself sometimes doesn't consider himself part of humanity. It's why Carestia...
But then...
Kaiju also seek people. Monsters also seek people.
As she looks towards him, his thoughts have him hide his gaze from her. Looking away. Ashamed? Disconnected? He doesn't look up until she takes those pills.
Quiet reigns, as she asks him what he would be, if he were never seen by other people.
So... he smiles wryly, and instinctively, almost jokingly, answers; "A lonely Kaiju."
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
Eisen looks away.
Rei picks out more pills.
"Then you will also hurt," Rei says.
"If you become used to the pain, the pain has not disappeared. If you become accustomed to a place, or a way of living, then it is still there. You come to take it for granted. One day, it is gone, because all things end."
More pills. Another sip of water.
Swallow. It's audible in the quiet room.
"What are, your hobbies?" Rei asks, looking back towards Eisen.
<Pose Tracker> Eisen Daiwel has posed.
She's right.
He'd never thought of it that way, but she is right, isn't she?
The young man looks down at his left hand, opening and closing it.
"True. I guess... I have just become used to that pain." Eisen answers her quietly. Accustomed with being on the outside. For years now, he's felt like it is okay to be on the outside. But isn't that just because it's what he's gotten used to? Being alone hurt in its own way. Didn't it hurt, being the only one left in that place?
Then, is it okay to take on the pain of making bonds with people, if that pain one day will also disappear? Is there enough value in the 'Purpose in Life' that is tied to having friends?
Is it okay to make such bonds, while being a monster? A Kaiju? In his mind, he likes that narrative. For some reason, it doesn't feel so strange if he sees it like that. A Kaiju reaching out to humans.
"Huh?" Hobbies?
"I... build diaramas and construct mecha figurines." He answers her, the question has caught him off-guard, so he's answering without pretense. "I work on theorems, and create devils' science." He then adds, a bit of that Chuuni behavior coming back to the surface. There's a bit of light returning into his eyes. "And I read science proofs." In many ways, he's quite healthy, lifestyle wise. For certain terms of 'healthy', considering his 'Mad Scientist' lifestyle.
Then... he does something he usually doesn't do.
He reaches out.
"What about you? What are your hobbies?" When the team discussed hobbies last, he doesnt' recall her having mentioned hobbies of her own.
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
Rei looks at Eisen. There is no judgment in her eyes at the dioramas and the machine figurines. Her head tilts on the 'devil's science.' The reading of scientific proofs gets something like a nod. Then she takes another few pills out. She's almost out of THIS ration of pills, at least.
She may have more pills than food.
"I used to have none," Rei says.
"If we do not die, I will grow plants." The pills go into her mouth, the cup comes up; a longer sip, to wash down larger pills.
"Tomatoes, I think," Rei says. "Maybe others."
<Pose Tracker> Eisen Daiwel has posed.
Growing tomatoes.
"The yellow ones. Right?" Eisen asks her, when she mentions that she thinks she'll grow plants - tomatoes. He should probably be concerned with the amount of pills she is taking. But there's also Seolla, and Ouka, and no doubt there's others in their little 'expedition' that require a lot of medicine just to keep going.
Even right now, the firm tension of a plastic bottle of medicine touches against his own chest. Though in his case, it's a very different kind of medicine.
"Growing life seems like a good hobby." He offers up to Rei, before drawing the mug of tea back to his lips, and drinking quite of it down in one go. It's easier if he doesn't breathe while drinking it.
"Ahhh." Refreshing?
Looking down into the cup, Eisen offers; "Bonds... it seems the only way we'll survive this, is if we create bonds. Not just with eachother, but with the enemy. If we... fix her hearts... their hearts." It's all a bit of a mumble.
"Maybe I should try for once..."
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
"Yes," Rei says, tilting her head slightly.
"There is a southern window in my home. I think it will do well, if I can learn how to do it. A small plant has grown already. If it is still there," Rei concludes, finishing the cup of water.
Afterwards, she places it, inverted, on the contoured mat to dry.
"Carestia is strong," Rei says, "but a lonely tree will one day fall."
<Pose Tracker> Eisen Daiwel has posed.
Eisen finishes the tea, and then offers the mug to Rei with both hands. He may be European, but he's learned in his time at NERV that one always uses both hands when giving a Japanese person anything.
"Carestia isn't alone." He then tells her. "Carestia has me, and I have Carestia." But there is something more important there. "But I haven't fought alone since the simulators." For all of his loud words, for all of his confidence, he practically always tries to work as a member of a team. Setting up for others. When he sees there is a weakness, he seeks to replace that with strength.
"I've learned a long time ago that I cannot fight the Angels on my own. But... maybe being just another team member isn't going to be enough anymore." He proposes, waiting for her to take the cup, while looking down at Rei. That eerie green glow reflecting off of the pale of her plugsuit.
"Do you think the team will understand? Piloting alongside a Kaiju?" What that truly means.
"I've heard the fear and anger in their voice before."
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
Rei takes the mug; she picks up a square of sponge, glistening with the soap impregnating it.
She washes. Carefully. Then a rinsing squirt of water, swish swish. Pour and rinse again.
Set it down.
Her eyes turn towards Eisen. "The team?"
"The team is not a person."
"Most of them will," Rei concludes. "Do you fear, their fear?"
<Pose Tracker> Eisen Daiwel has posed.
"I get that. But it'd take too long to name all of them." And who is on the team always changes. Still, Rei has a point. The Team is not a person. Each of them have their own personality, their own thoughts.
"Fear used to be easier. Hatred. Disgust. I didn't fear it. It just... made them easier to understand." Eisen answers her. "It was... expected." He motions a hand outwards as he steps back and drops his back against the wall again near the entrance.
"I guess... it's not their fear that I am afraid of. Fear is natural. It's them... rejecting me. You, rejecting me." Taking hold of the point Rei gave him. Not treating the team as some combined entity, and actually facing what is in front of him. The /person/ in front of him.
Looking at her, though he still fails to make eye-contact.
"I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I want. What my bond... looks like. But when all of you started disappearing into Tsutsujidai, I felt... lonely. I only saw that you were taken from me, and how that made me feel." His gaze draws down to his hands. "I thought, this is what it feels like to lose 'friends'. I must be lonely and hurting because of that. I didn't know how to help you all. So I did the only thing I could do. I waited, impatiently, and tried to fight alongside everyone else." Only to get caught up in a fight against Goldymarg. "Fought to take you all back. But when you all came back... it wasn't right. Unlike the others, I didn't reach out."
He chuckles. "My feelings were selfish - probably 'are' selfish really. And I didn't like that I didn't... feel any better, when you all came back. I felt just as disconnected as when you were all gone. Rejected, regardless of my involvement." He looks back up to Rei. "I'm ranting. Apologies. All of this is new to me. Making bonds. Still, I think that's what I am afraid of most. The pain and rejection. Even now, I feel the pain of losing Yuta to Gridman. And I barely even know the guy - really."
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
Fear, hatred, disgust. Rei rubs at her neck for a moment. She doesn't look at Eisen.
It helps perhaps. Neither of them are looking each other in the eye.
"It happened," Rei says. "It can't be helped." And - as if remembering, or thinking of something, she says: "I will come for you, if there is, a similar moment."
It has the air of a promise, or a vow.
The rest of what he is saying seems to go along, although towards the end her back straightens slightly. Her arms come up, folding loosely before herself. She does not look at Eisen, but his words rest in the damp air.
"Lost?"
"A seed, in the garden. The sun shines down. Rain and shade, in their measure. No bird or worm disturbs it."
"A plant grows."
Rei does turn her head a little. "You did not lose the seed."
<Pose Tracker> Eisen Daiwel has posed.
Eisen goes quiet a bit, when Rei says that she will come for him, if there were ever such a moment. He doesn't immediately know how to respond to that. There's this little instinct he supresses - this thought of 'we are team mates, of course you should'. But that isn't it. That isn't what is happening here.
"Thank you." The Chuuni youth decides on, bowing his head. "The same here. No matter how many times it takes. As long as you are still there, I will come for you. Just like I would come for Asuka, Shinji, all of you." Names, instead of 'the team'. Still, in that moment, he crosses his arms a bit as she questions him about the word 'lost'.
Because he doesn't understand what she's saying.
"W... what is the seed in this case?" Failing to follow along. "Sorry, I think I need that in clearer terms. Because you're stretching my understanding of the poetic on this."
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
"It is..."
Rei is silent for long enough that it might be frustrating.
"There was no 'other person,'" Rei finally reaches. "The seed is the plant. I can, understand why it does not seem so. You can speak to him. Or Nagisa. I can't say it well."
<Pose Tracker> Eisen Daiwel has posed.
Eisen is remarkable patient. He understands that silence isn't there for silence's sake.
She had to endure it with him, certainly, he can endure it with her.
"Gridman told me." He then notes. "He said... there was never a Yuta, it was always Gridman. But... when he tried to recall to what Yuta was like, it wasn't the same. He said that to act like the boy I met, would be a lie."
This makes Eisen shake his head. "And... I don't really understand that." He grunts. "Why did he have to change, just to call himself Gridman? Why couldn't he have stayed Yuta?"
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
Rei is silent for more moments.
"I don't know," Rei says.
But, she can tell, however fumblingly, that it may be inadequate.
"To be - hurt badly can change you. His body is still healing. I cannot speak for his heart."
<Pose Tracker> Eisen Daiwel has posed.
Eisen turns his head to the side, looking out of a window.
"It's still raining." He mumbles, as if this has some kind of meaning. A sentence that doesn't seem to acknowledge Rei saying she doesn't know.
"His heart..." Eisen repeats. A memory, in his mind. Gridman touching to his chest. Speaking of a pain he didn't understand.
Eisen walked away. Running away, because he was in too much pain.
"Tssk..." He grits his teeth, showing proper anger on his face. Anger with himself. How could he run away, just because of something like that? Pain.
Kaiju aren't afraid of pain.
He pushes himself away from the wall. "It seems there's something I need to do." And then looks to the woman in the plugsuit. "Thank you, Rei. For caring about me. It... means more than you know. This Kaiju has a lot to learn still."
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
"Wait," Rei says.
She walks into the other little room. She crouches down to dig underneath the bed. (Eisen may notice the bed pad is still in its original wrapping, complete with sealed production code strips for safety and compliance with Federation standards.)
She finds something, and rises up, walking back to hand it over.
A tight-wrapped pellet umbrella, which will probably never again get as tightly compacted as it is there. But for now, it's perfectly sleek.
"The rain does not bother me," Rei says.
<Pose Tracker> Eisen Daiwel has posed.
"Hmm?"
Eisen lets out a confused sound when Rei asks him to wait, watching as she steps into the small room and digs under the bed. He's not surprised that it's still in its original wrapping. He figures that the bed that Alloy sleeps in is probably also still in its wrapping.
Then, the umbrella. Offered, tightly wrapped.
And he can't help but show a smile and touches a hand to his lips. Amusement actually reaches his eyes.
"I appreciate it. But I don't think this will fit my aesthetics. Besides, my coat and this hat are actually pretty good at stopping the rain." He points out, as he puts an open hand on the umbrella, halting her from putting it forward to him.
"Talk to you again later, okay?" He then asks Rei.
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
Rei accepts this after a moment. It seems she is less committed to this than the tea. She puts the umbrella on the table instead.
"Yes," Rei says.
And that, perhaps, is that.