2024-05-25: Am I Real or Just a Dream?
- Log: 2024-05-25 Am I Real or Just a Dream
- Cast: Shinji Ikari, Rei Ayanami, Kaworu Nagisa, Ritsuko Akagi
- Where: Tokyo-3, Japan
- OOC - IC Date: May 25, UC 0099 (2024)
- Summary: Things didn't go well with Asuka, so Shinji asks for Kaworu's help again to see Rei. A meeting is arranged with her and Ritsuko, and Shinji meets with the girl they call Rei Ayanami.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Shinji's head is hanging, his cap shadowing his eyes from view, when Kaworu returns to where they parted at the spot Shinji and Asuka were to meet at. Shinji's blue Haro is clutched in his arms; a fist-sized spot on the concrete wall behind him is smashed and cracked and flaking pieces of itself on his shoulder. Kaworu's eyes flick towards it, then at his dearest friend.
"Shinji-kun," he says softly.
Shinji manages to lift his head, gaze bleak. "Kaworu-kun," he echoes back. Then he bows his head again, averting his eyes. "...Asuka and I broke up."
They didn't use those words specifically. But that's what it amounts to. Their young love is over. Asuka doesn't want to see him anymore; she won't stop piloting the Eva. He does want to see her more, but he's always been a spineless coward. If that's what she wants--
(it's not even about that, she's always been scary but now she's Scary)
(she's out of his league anyway and always has been, they both always knew he wasn't good enough for her)
(he never should have been piloting anything let alone an Evangelion, he never belonged here, he was never wanted--)
Kaworu steps close and gently, cautiously, slips his arms around Shinji's shoulders. Shinji is jolted from his internal downward spiral with a small, guttural noise of surprise in his throat. Haro blocks the moment from becoming truly intimate--there's nothing like a basketball-sized and -shaped robot to prevent a proper hug--but he does look up at meet Kaworu's eyes. He's usually smiling. He isn't now.
"I'm sorry," Kaworu says quietly.
Shinji doesn't respond at first. His first reaction is to say, It's okay, it's not your fault, but his thoughts skate back to that day when his father--when the Commander of NERV announced who'd pilot Unit-03 and Kaworu and Asuka had fought over it. He still doesn't know how much Kaworu really knew. What if... it actually is his fault?
...No, he shouldn't think like that. Kaworu suffered too. He lost his girlfriend, too. Thinking of that, he manages to force a weak smile. "I guess now we have something else in common."
The feeble attempt at a joke fails to land. Shinji knows that immediately when confusion clouds Kaworu's crimson eyes. "I meant about you and Ayanami," he says quickly, then hangs his head. "Sorry. That was inappropriate."
"No. I understand what you mean now. You're right."
Hearing that doesn't make Shinji feel better. But then, what would?
"...Do you think Ayanami would forgive me?" he murmurs, gaze still down. "If I went to her and apologized?"
"Shinji-kun..."
Again, he's silent for a moment. Then he looks up anew, desperation forming a lead bullet in his guts. "Kaworu-kun... D'you think it's possible I could see Ayanami, too?"
Kaworu hesitates.
"Please. I know I've asked you for a lot, but... e-even if she hates me too now... I want to apologize to her." He sinks against the wall. "...She deserves that. Like Asuka did."
Kaworu lets his hands slip down Shinji's shoulders, along his arms, to rest on the back of his hands, where they almost hold Bud together. "I don't think that will make you happy."
"That doesn't matter. I'm never happy, anyway."
Pain creases Kaworu's expression. But Shinji doesn't see it, because his eyes have sunk to the sidewalk between them again. "...If that's what you wish, I'll arrange for you to see Rei Ayanami. But I must warn you: it won't be what you hope for."
~ * ~
So Kaworu had warned him. But Shinji had insisted anyway. Kaworu's just about the only person that he can insist on anything with. (This isn't really true; there are plenty of people that Shinji can insist on things with. But in the moment, and right now, that's how it feels to him.) And so Kaworu had agreed to arrange another meeting. Shinji had returned to the Ra Mari II afterwards, and now...
And now he's back in Tokyo-3 again, a week later, waiting with Kaworu at a local vegan cafe for Rei and Ritsuko to arrive as agreed upon. It's a very weird feeling to him. He'd spent a year and a half away, and now he's back for a second time in as many weeks. He's left Bud behind this time, not because he couldn't use his emotional support Haro (not that Shinji thinks of them like that, but that's what they are), but because he's brought something else.
As he fidgets with the handle of a cup of cheap coffee, he glances at the spot between himself and Kaworu at a hardback novel. It's resting on its spine, pressed together between them, but he knows what it looks like and what it reads on the cover:
The Happy Prince and Other Tales.
Mari had given it to him to take care of and to read. He's read it--several times, by now--and now it's time for him to return it to its proper owner.
He glances up again nervously at the cafe entrance. He hasn't actually drunk his coffee yet; it was just something for him to order while they waited, since Kaworu hasn't ordered anything at all.
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
This was arranged through the Administrator's graces, and so it will come to pass, but there are, perhaps, limits to the tolerance of Gendo Ikari, because Rei isn't coming alone.
Ritsuko Akagi drove them both. It was a small, nondescript white car, a two-seat model with a hydrogen fuel cell. Ritsuko enjoyed, to her surprise, the opportunity to drive; the vehicle had been sitting in the garage facilities in the Geofront for nearly two weeks.
Rei Ayanami did not seem to have much of an opinion.
The two of them enter. Ritsuko has left her lab coat at home, though her habitual no-sleeve pull-ring blouse is still present. She has a pair of sunglasses on.
The other girl is wearing a plain white blouse and a plain black skirt. Plain black leggings. Plain black shoes. The blouse has been buttoned up to the top. She follows Ritsuko, half a step behind.
Ritsuko spots the people they're here to meet. She smiles, a little, but it's a token thing. After crossing the room and settling down, Ritsuko resting a synthetic leather purse on the table, she is the first one to speak: "You look healthy, Shinji. I hope you've been doing well." Polite and faintly awkward, but engaged.
The girl sits down and folds her hands in her lap.
She's looking at Shinji. She does not speak up.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Gendo Ikari would at least have already known that Shinji was in town--that he was coming in town again. With or without the Administrator's graces, Shinji has been watched by Section 2 agents for a long time. Just because he refused to get in the Evangelion again doesn't mean it wouldn't move if he did--doesn't mean that he doesn't know crucial information that might compromise NERV if it got out to the wrong people. Fortunately for Shinji, his attitude since leaving NERV is that the less he talks about his time there, the better.
Right now, though, well... if Shinji has an escort, it seems only fair that Rei does too. Kaworu has told him that Ritsuko is coming too as her primary doctor, that Ritsuko said that Rei sustained brain damage as a result of her injuries that she's still struggling to overcome. Shinji took this at face value since Kaworu would never lie to him. He did not notice that Kaworu specified that it was Ritsuko who said this, and Ritsuko would certainly lie if necessary.
But all that aside.
Shinji stiffens when at last Rei and Ritsuko arrive. He says nothing, but his eyes widen as they entire and walk over to his and Kaworu's table. He doesn't quite manage to return Ritsuko's smile, but he does manage to give her a nod of greeting. Mostly he's staring at Rei. She looks... exactly like she always did. So did Asuka. So did Kaworu. So does he...
It's like they're all still frozen in time back in those days, back before everything went to hell. He finds himself wondering if Mari's the same too.
He doesn't have long to wonder. Ritsuko's talking to him. "Th-thank you. Likewise, Ritsuko-san," he murmurs. "Um..." He almost asks after Misato; it's on his lips, in his eyes. But it doesn't manage to leave his mouth. Instead, his eyes flit over to Rei.
"Ayanami... it's been a while."
He holds his breath, waiting for her response.
Kaworu, next to him, doesn't speak, either to greet Ritsuko or the girl called Rei Ayanami. He simply observes the proceedings, expression neutral and unsmiling.
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
She keeps looking at Shinji. There is no response.
Shinji can see the same face he knew, although there is a very faint difference - a different emotion, or perhaps the lack of emotion? Shinji no doubt learned quite well, with burns on his hands, that Rei Ayanami was inexpressive, not without feelings.
Ritsuko takes a breath. After several seconds, perhaps waiting, Ritsuko explains, "This is Shinji Ikari. He was your fellow pilot."
Was.
The girl says, after another second, quietly, "Shinji Ikari." It doesn't feel like she's saying it to Shinji.
Ritsuko takes off her sunglasses. She looks tired, but then, didn't she always? "There are memory issues... did you brief him, Nagisa?"
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
The way Rei stares at him... There's something weird. He can't put his finger on quite what, though. Rei was always inexpressive. He remembers both the burns on his hands and that smile she gave him very well, but it's like she doesn't remember them at all.
Of course, the way Ritsuko talks a moment later, it's made plain there's no 'like' about it.
'Shinji Ikari,' she says, like she's meeting him for the first time.
Ritsuko brings up memory issues. "I shared what you said about her condition," Kaworu says.
"I-I knew she was hurt really badly from when Unit-00 self-destructed, including--b-brain damage--but I didn't think it was this bad," Shinji adds quietly, his expression stricken. That leaden desperation is weighing his guts down again. "Ayanami--don't you remember me at all?"
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
Ritsuko's eyes lower. "She's made great progress on many fronts, honestly. But I understand what you mean. You haven't seen her in quite some time." She doesn't look back up even as the girl...
Is silent for several long seconds.
Long enough that it becomes awkward. In the background, someone asks if there's going to be soba again, any time soon.
Finally, she speaks:
"I don't," she says.
Ritsuko breathes out.
Folding her hands together, elbows on the table, Ritsuko says to Rei: "Given your condition, it might be a question of a direct inquiry giving no results." She looks towards Shinji. After a moment - somehow, for her, awkward - she says, "Share a memory, perhaps. Much of the information is still there, but the connections are fragmented."
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
What Ritsuko says about how Rei's made great progress is even more distressing to Shinji. She used to be even worse? It's true that just by looking at her, you'd never know she'd been injured at all--maybe that's what she means. But it isn't, is it? Shinji stares at Rei and tries to imagine a 'her' who is even worse off than this.
This is all his fault. Because he wasn't strong enough... because he wasn't there in time... He sets his hands on his lap so Rei and Ritsuko can't see his nails dig into his palms.
But Kaworu can see. And when Ritsuko encourages Shinji to share a memory--when she gives him a form of hope--he shuts his eyes, the lines of his lips strained.
Shinji doesn't notice. He's looking from Rei to Ritsuko, and at her suggestion, he immediately grabs the hardcover book next to him. "This has got to help--this book used to be yours. It was your favorite," he says, holding it out to Rei with both hands. "You read it all the time. Makinami-san gave it to me to hold onto for you while you were recovering. It's still yours! You can--you should have it back."
He now extends it as if offering it to her. As if it might be the key to her regaining the pieces of herself she's lost.
Kaworu looks over at them again now. "Shinji-kun, that's..." His eyes flick towards the girl called Rei Ayanami, and he falls silent.
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
And the girl continues to stare at Shinji Ikari.
Two things happen in parallel, both of them subtle.
Over the course of about five seconds, the girl's eyes shift focus from Shinji to the book. Her hands don't lift up to take it. She doesn't react further. Maybe she's waiting. It isn't an expression of recognition, or one of confusion. It is calm neutrality.
Ritsuko's lips thin. Her jaw tightens. Her eyes narrow slightly, not quite looking at anything. She shifts in her seat, straightening up.
Then she takes in a breath.
Ritsuko's hand reaches out, clasping the book from the side. "Rei, why don't I carry this back for you? You can read through it when you're ready, and I'm sure you'll remember something," Ritsuko says, looking towards Rei, and thus, away from Shinji.
Maybe not Kaworu. Something about this is displeasing Ritsuko, seen from his angle.
"Understood," says the girl.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
There's no recognition or confusion in Rei's eyes when she looks down at the cover of The Happy Prince and Other Tales. There's nothing there at all. It's because of the brain damage, of course. Shinji knows that. But it hurts to see it somehow. This book was so important to her before, and now it's--nothing.
Because of that, he doesn't notice Ritsuko's displeasure at first. He only sees it when she grabs onto the book on Rei's behalf and Shinji blinks over at it for her. It's sensible that Ritsuko hold onto this for Rei if she isn't ready for it yet, but--something about this moment makes him not let go of it just yet. When Ritsuko tries to take it, if she does, he resists.
But Kaworu is watching. When Shinji doesn't let go, he reaches out and gently stakes his own claim, taking hold of the book from another corner, though he doesn't try to fully take it just yet.
"Shinji-kun, actually, why don't you hold onto it for a little longer? Until Rei Ayanami is ready for you to return it," he suggests gently.
Shinji shoots him a wide-eyed glance. Then he looks back at Rei, and then Ritsuko. Part of him is guilty to feel this way, but he's relieved by the suggestion. Keeping it now would mean... "I-Is that okay?"
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
Nothing is there but light and water.
Ritsuko doesn't try to take the book, although Shinji can tell she had grasped the book firmly -- perhaps she was anticipating some kind of reaction. However, when Kaworu speaks up -- and reaches for the book himself -- Ritsuko looks at the strange young man and gives him a wry little smirk.
The girl blinks several times. She is, at least, confused why all three of them are grabbing on that book.
Ritsuko draws her hand back. "Certainly!" she says, with the shrug of one shoulder. "It can't be helped. Let me get the title and I'll see if we can find a paperback copy for her, perhaps. The material should be the same, after all."
The girl continues to sit in stillness.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
It's very Rei.
And at the same time, it's not Rei at all.
For the first time, Shinji comes close to a smile when he breathes a faint sigh of relief as Ritsuko lets go of the book. Kaworu releases it too, and Shinji pulls it back and holds it close to his chest. He looks back at Rei, and that feeling of guilt persists. She was blinking rapidly--confused about this sudden drama. (Only Shinji would think of something this minor as "drama," but still.) Maybe it's wrong of him not to return the book to her, but... it also doesn't feel right.
The person he returns this book to should be the Rei Ayanami he knows--the Rei Ayanami who knows him. Only then will it have meaning. As unsure and uncomfortable as this situation is, he feels certain of at least that much.
He does shoot Ritsuko a confused look of his own when she says she'll get another copy of the same book to give to her though. "Um--" Doesn't that defeat the point? he wants to say. But then he tells himself that it would also defeat the point to not have her read it. She still needs to remember. "The Happy Prince and Other Tales, by Oscar Wilde," he thus says. He looks back at the girl called Rei. "...I hope reading it helps you."
At the very least, everyone seems more comfortable with this outcome. Even Ritsuko. There's something strange about all of this still, but maybe that can't be helped when someone is missing their memories.
"...I'm sorry," he thus adds. "You're like this because of me, Ayanami. It's all my fault."
"Shinji-kun, it isn't your fault," Kaworu interjects gently. "Rei Ayanami would not blame you."
There is a certain implication there. Shinji doesn't catch it. He just glances at him, then at Rei, unsure.
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
Ritsuko has gotten her NERV-issue phone out of her purse and she adjusts something with an agile finger, punctuated by faint clicks of her thumbnail on the glass. "The Happy Prince and Other Tales, by Oscar Wilde," Ritsuko echoes into the machine.
"May I?" Ritsuko asks, and if Shinji doesn't object, she takes a phone-photo of the book's cover.
Her expression still doesn't look happy. Well, why should it? There's not much point in putting on a show for Rei, after all. But she doesn't look pissed-off-at-Shinji (though who knows; he might feel it even so).
The girl keeps watching Shinji. She seems to be looking at him in specific. Is that look one of judgment, or acceptance, or confusion? Lights in someone else's home, now?
"I'm sorry this wasn't what you were hoping for, Shinji," Ritsuko says, sounding curiously defeated. After this, she clicks her phone shut. "It might be best if we wrap this up."
She doesn't get up, though, or guide Rei away.
To Kaworu, Ritsuko speaks: "Is he staying with you or heading back today?"
The girl keeps looking at Shinji.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Shinji doesn't object. As long as Ritsuko isn't taking it away, she can take as many photos of the cover as she pleases. It's all for Rei's benefit, anyway.
He does notice that she still looks unhappy--tired--but Shinji is sensitive to that sort of thing. He assumes that this is either stressful for her to have to handle, or is pulling her away from work she'd rather be doing, or both. When she suggests they wrap this up, he nods once.
It's weird that she apologizes for all this, though. It's not like it's her fault that Rei has brain damage. He's sure she's doing her best to help her. (Because it's so much easier to forgive others than yourself.) "Mm," he mumbles softly, and looks again at Rei.
She's watching him now. Is that a good thing? A bad thing? He's not sure. She didn't respond to his apology, either. Maybe leaving her alone too is for the best.
"That's up to him," Kaworu tells Ritsuko.
Shinji blinks over at him. Kaworu meets his gaze. Where is Kaworu staying these days? Shinji realizes he doesn't know. Is he still staying in that place he shared with Rei and Mari? Is Rei back there? He hesitates, looking between him and Rei and back again.
"I think... I ought to head back," he says carefully. His expression darkens into its more typical gloom. "...I don't really want to stay in Tokyo-3 longer than I need to, anyway."
"I'll accompany you back, then," Kaworu says.
Shinji nods. His coffee is getting cold, but he sets aside the book to pick it up anyway. He stares into its murky depths for a couple of seconds; then he looks back at Rei and Ritsuko. "...Take care," he tells them both. To Ritsuko, he adds softly, "...Please tell Misato-san I said hello."
That's all he can manage right now.
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
The girl doesn't say anything.
Ritsuko does. At the end, she says, "It's understandable. Please travel safely." Her eyes say, at least: 'I get it.'
She's about to get up when Shinji gives her a question. Or rather, a responsibility. Ritsuko had looked down towards the table but at Shinji's request her eyes return to him.
"I will," Ritsuko says, with a strange kind of determination.
(Seventy-two percent she's going to cry about it, and then she'll want to go drinking, Ritsuko thinks to herself. There's a certain annoyance there, but it's a familiar one.)
"Hopefully, we'll have better news soon," Ritsuko concludes as she finishes rising to her feet.
"Rei?"
The girl is still looking at Shinji.
Ritsuko touches her shoulder.
The girl keeps looking at Shinji.
Ritsuko nudges a little. It's enough for her to look up towards Ritsuko.
"We're going," Ritsuko says, with that same kind of tone.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
It wasn't a good encounter. But all told, it wasn't a bad one either. Shinji is in less despair than when he finished his conversation with Asuka, at least. There's hope that Rei will get better in the future, and maybe then they can have a proper conversion. And as long as he has Rei's book, then there's still a reason (excuse) to see her again later. He doesn't want to stay in Tokyo-3, but... he still cares about the people who live here. This conversation has clarified that to him, somehow.
"Hopefully," he echoes back to Ritsuko. He dips his head again, and drinks his coffee so he and Kaworu can leave soon too...
Rei's still watching him. It's made even clearer that Ritsuko has to nudge her to get her attention. Shinji hesitates, then lowers his cup. Does... does she recognize him a little after all...? A tiny bit of hope can't help but kindle in his breast.
"Yes...?" he offers hesitantly, hopefully, to her. Though if she just leaves with Ritsuko after all... well, it would be disappointing, but he wouldn't blame her for it.
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
The girl's brow furrows for a moment. Just a little. Her head tilts to the side.
Is it recognition?
It's a glimmer, maybe, but not much more. She doesn't answer Shinji, but she has gotten to her feet before she turns away.
She doesn't look back, though.
If Ritsuko saw that, she didn't seem to deem it important enough to respond to.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
It's something, and that's enough to give Shinji some hope. It's okay if Asuka hates him... but it really would break his heart if Rei never remembered him again.
He breathes out a long sigh when she and Ritsuko leave at last. He looks down at his cup; drains it, sets it down.
"Thanks for doing this for me, Kaworu-kun," he says, looking over at his best friend. "It must be hard for you to see Ayanami like that, too."
Kaworu's gaze flicks down. "...Yes."
"Um... This is probably obvious, but I realized I just assumed earlier, so, um... the two of you... even though she's awake again..."
"Rei Ayanami and I are no longer dating," Kaworu states. There is a certain heaviness to his tone.
"Figures," Shinji murmurs. A pause; maybe more a hesitation. Then he grabs the book with his left hand--and with his right, he reaches out and rests it on top of one of Kaworu's. "...Let's go."
Kaworu meets his gaze. Then, for the first time today, he smiles at last, the corners of his eyes crinkling in affection. Turning his hand to clasp Shinji's, he says, "All right."