2024-01-31: Shari Tries
- Log: Shari Tries
- Cast: Yuliana Kafim, Leina Ashta, Shari Loom
- Where: The Photon Power Labs
- Date: 2024-01-31 (ICly May 0098)
- Summary: Yuliana has lunch with Shari and Leina, but when the conversation turns to the Empress, things eventually get worse. Leina does her best to deescalate the situation, but Shari, with her own pain and unfamiliarity, accidentally inflames it instead. Yuliana storms out, leaving them both with questions about how this will end.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
It's halfway through May, and Yuliana is back at the Photon Power Labs after she went back home to see her wife again. It might be easier for them to fix her if she weren't sneaking in and out every few weeks, but...
... no one wants to know what happens if either of the Kafims start pining.
Right now, they're running sleep labs, with all the appropriate electrodes hooked up, to see what Yuliana's brain activity looks like when her mind starts slipping into another reality. (They wake her up, of course; no one here wants to leave her in that state.) They're hoping to use all this data, soon, but they need to know what not to do as much as what to do. This means that Yuliana is primarily being called on for testing at night, especially with how her Audience is more infrequent these days -- which leaves her relatively free in the day, aside from all the therapy she's still going through.
(Therapy might not fix any of the deeper structural problems going on with her, but it's still important to give her tools right now.)
It does mean that Yuliana appearing in the halls is pretty predictable, though -- because right now she has therapy in the morning after breakfast, and she has therapy in the afternoon after lunch, and there are a few hours in the middle where she's just lounging around idle. It's pretty easy to avoid her, presuming one is keeping track of the time.
For instance: it's close to noon, now, when Yuliana swings into one of the break rooms of the PPL, a sandwich in a paper bag held in one hand and a can of some drink or another held in another tentacle. Those snake out from underneath her black and yellow 12ZAKU shirt, fearlessly, though she's at least folded her frill behind her ears. She just walks right in like she owns the place!
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
It's been a shit month.
That's not to say all moments are bad, it's just if you ticked columns of good moments vs. bad moments vs. neutral moments it'd all come out shitty!
Fortunately, the Beguir-Neuer being under significant repairs following the Isaac City raid gives her an excuse to take some time off.
Right now, it means she's visiting the PPL, with a Starbooks coffee in hand, and earbuds in, after getting some real sleep in her guest room. There's just too many things in Fujinomiya to follow up on to not spend some real time off here.
It's also that the PPL is one of the few places that her Security Detail lets her have her space outside of the home.
Leina's got on a pink workout crop top with high waisted workout black pants right now, a pair of tennis shoes, implying what her FIRST activity was this morning.
To sweat.
Working out has always been her serviceable substitute for real mental healthcare. Now though, she's listening to one of her podcasts about current events in the- well, it's not the EFF anymore.
Half-checking her phone, she swings into the breakroom, and- looks up. She doesn't quite startle, even though Yuliana sitting down in a PPL breakroom is still a surreal image to her.
She still can't detect Yuliana unless there are other people actively under her influence. Pasting on a smile, she steps on in, "Morning. Looks like you'll all settled in."
She doesn't QUITE invite herself to sit down at the table yet, that's up to Yuliana but-! She at least takes the earbuds out and pauses her podcast.
<Pose Tracker> Shari Loom has posed.
For Shari on the other hand it's been pretty good! She had a decent interaction with Yuliana that didn't go horribly a little while back, for one. She's still doing well at her guest room in the PPL, and is looking at apartments out in the city. But right nw...
Right now Shari also walks into the breakroom, a bag in her hand and a coffee in the other, and pauses when she sees--Yuliana and her tentacles, yes.
But also Leina?
"Heeey," she says, "If you'd told me you were working out, I'd have bothered to get up!" Shari answers. She of course just woke up... because she was up late. Leina can assuredly guess why, and Yuliana might have an idea too.
But Shari is made up perfectly; she's definitely not someone who looks tired right now.
"You're all... talking normal, and stuff. That's... nice?"
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana does plenty of working out herself -- and she's managed to shock a few people with just how much weight she can bench, here. But it's not a substitute for therapy; it's just something she does on top of it.
(Even before she came here! Mind, it was Elisa providing therapy before this, but that still counts.)
Yuliana can tell when -- well, when a Newtype walks in, anyway, she has no way of figuring out which one it is. (Except that it's pretty obvious when the Newtype is SHARI, but that's because Shari is one of the strongest Newtypes she's ever met. She never much examines how Shari feels more similar to those subset of Awakened the Empress wishes to crush under heel than the rest of the Awakened, for some reason.) She looks up, though, and then realises it's Leina.
She smiles, as she sets her food down on the table. She's pleased to see Leina. "I am," she affirms, spreading a hand to the table she's perched on. "Come, sit!" And when Shari walks into the room, she smiles to her, just the same. "Sharochka! Was I acting strangely, before? You'll have to excuse me," she waves a hand, vaguely. "I'm told that my thoughts can become less -- acquainted with reality, at times. It's... 'psychosis', apparently. I don't -- I do think I'm making sense, when I talk that way." It's not entirely an apology, but it's at least some effort at an explanation, so call it partial credit.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Yuliana's invitation has her approach the table, as she settles on down. "Everyone here been treating you alright?" She asks, even as she sets her phone down.
Leina can feel Shari coming from a distance, even if Whispered certainly feel different to her senses. "Hey-Oh! I work out every morning I get the chance. Sure, wanna do that tomorrow?"
Talking normally now? Leina does raise an eyebrow, but Yuliana answers it and her lips form an 'Oh'. She's seen an episode like that.
"How frequently does that happen anyway? Your regimen ought to minimize that right?"
Leina suspects it's maybe not JUST mental health, but- it's at least part, but at the very least she does ask in case there's a different cause and effect there.
"Nice that the two of you are hanging out again."
Leina comments, certainly Yuliana knows, so there's no point in pretending to hide it so long as she is discreet with Shari's information.
A sip of coffee, right now, perhaps she's feeling this out some, just in case it's more fraught when the two are together than she realizes.
Then again Yuliana is mind controlled to treat Shari... well right? Isn't she?
Well maybe not anymore. Elisa might have... well, she has no idea how Elisa regards the situation.
<Pose Tracker> Shari Loom has posed.
Shari also does plenty of working out--well, plenty of physical exercise, anyway. She likes to be active, and is willing to shell out for the good makeup that doesn't sweat off too easily.
"Sure," Shari says to Leina, "Sounds good. I'll have to get up earlier, though. I sort of stayed up last night..."
It's better not to think about the kind of Newtype Shari is.
"Oh, is that what it's called?" Shari wonders. Less acquainted with reality... "It's fine," Shari says, waving her hand vaguely as she comes to sit down, "I do that too."
Partial credit is good enough for now. "Well," Shari says, "It's not that we hang out a lot, just that... We're both here anyway, so we run into each other sometimes."
She sips at her coffee. "And that's OK."
She considers next, "How's it going then?"
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Elisa has never mind-controlled Yuliana. Yuliana specifically asked her if she was brainwashing her, and she said she wasn't! That's enough for her; she has full confidence in her wife.
(Sure, Yuliana was asking whether she was brainwashing her right now, but it's reasonable to assume that Elisa's assurance can be generalised throughout their relationship.)
Luckily, she doesn't have to say this to Leina. She couldn't possibly know she should; she can't invade Leina's heart, that way, even if she's politely sitting six feet away from her.
Instead, she nods, smiling. "Everyone's been reasonably considerate," she assures her. "I haven't been mistreated... really, they're being quite careful with me." They'd have to be; if Elisa got wind of Yuliana being treated indelicately, there'd be hell to pay.
"I usually go in the afternoons," she says, of working out, "but I could certainly make time in the morning for you, Leyasha." She wasn't invited, but this is not about that. "Perhaps an afternoon round may work better for you, Sharochka? If you've trouble sleeping... oh, shall I talk to the doctors about getting you involved in these sleep studies they're doing? They may be able to assist you." Of course she assumes that Shari was staying up to avoid Void nightmares. Why wouldn't Yuliana's experiences be universal?
"It is," she affirms what psychosis is called, to Shari. And Yuliana laughs, taking up her sandwich. To Leina, she says: "Actually, I'm embarrassed to say I spent very little time with our plemyannitsa," their niece, "when you really think about it. Elya -- my Elisa was always calling me away," she remembers that Leina isn't family, and adapts her speech to suit, "so it wasn't so often we sat down to chat. Perhaps it's difficult to hang out frequently, given a pattern like that?"
Obviously Shari isn't avoiding her. Obviously.
"But it's all right," she says, after she takes a bite of her sandwich. (Chicken!) "I mentioned those sleep studies, yes? They are studying me when I go to sleep, to look at how my brain is working, I suppose... it does mean I get woken up when I go to that place, but that's all right." A pause, "... well, the Empress will be cross when I do next meet Her, but... well, it's not as if I can blame them for not wanting to leave me in Her company."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"Ah, working on some project or-?"
Leina doesn't SAY the Whispers, she definitely doesn't and won't, but she's giving Shari a prompt there in case.
Leina tilts her head, considering the offer. "Afternoon? I'm game for switching it up." It's such an important part of her morning routine that she wouldn't SKIP her morning run.
But she's well used to working out after school too.
Sipping at her morning coffee, Leina doesn't say how well acquainted she is with psychosis. But she's very well acquainted.
Anyone who's had contact with early Cyber Newtypes is.
"I'm glad. The people here are as good as family to me, so if they weren't treating either of you as well as they should, they'd get an earful."
Leina furrows her brow at the unfamiliar word, but unbeknowst to anyone in the room, she has a translation app on her phone active.
It has exclusion filters for the languages Leina knows. And so it buzzes, as Leina turns it over as if to check a text message and 'Niece' pops up.
Her eyes wander to Shari, then back towards them. "Yeah I can imagine." She tells her on just 'running into each other sometimes.'
Leina then looks over to Yuliana and-
"Well, she can be cross all she wants. Better that than dead. Her demanding that of you? Little different from if Major Pham had given you the order for you to perform a critical suicide attack for 'the cause'."
Is she... holding back even less than usual? She must be. Or maybe she just really is in a 'mood'.
<Pose Tracker> Shari Loom has posed.
"...No," Shari says sheepishly, "I was..." She glances at Yuliana, and decides t be vague, "Talking to a boy."
But everyone is careful. "That's good," Shari says. "They should be careful. They're caring for you. That's how that works."
But afternoon? With... all of them? Well...
"Sure," Shari says. "Afternoon's cool. And uh--" She thinks about that possibility. "I don't think they'd find much interesting," she admits. "Not from me. Not like with you."
But psychosis! It's good to know that because it'll obviously never come up again. And for them spending time together, "You were busy with stuff, and so was I," Shari excuses her. "We both still are pretty busy. But here we are now, right?"
Like family to Leina... "Nah, they're being good to me, too. I mentioned they pay me? So that's pretty cool."
"You came here to see Her less, right?" Shari says, but she's a little more guarded talking about the Empress. "Well, it's not really my issue these days," she guesses. "Good luck with the sleep studies, Aunt Yuliana."
She doesn't argue Leina's assessment, either.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Well, staying up late to work on a project is another explanation for insomnia, Yuliana GUESSES. Or -- "Oh, is that it?" Yuliana laughs, when Shari says it's about a boy. "You're terrible, making me worry over nothing like that!" Well, at least she's laughing it off. And at least she doesn't ask followup questions.
As for when she exercises... well, the morning and the afternoon don't really have much meaning, for her, living in a place where the sun either never sets or never rises. For that reason, she tends to do it after she's been awake for a while to try and tire herself out by the time bedtime rolls around.
"It hasn't always been easy to... trust them," Yuliana admits to Leina, delicately, when she talks about just why she's comfortable at the PPL. "But since you do, I've been trying to... give them a chance." She pauses, and nods, to Shari. "Yes, that's -- that's how it's supposed to work, I suppose. It's just... not how it always did." Early Cyber-Newtypes. You know.
Yuliana would just tell Leina what it meant if she asked!!
"We were busy," Yuliana agrees. "And, well... I admit I have made myself busier, to avoid running into you here overmuch. It's -- it's not you, you understand, just -- my Elisa is concerned about the effects of your Fold on me, so we thought... I shouldn't tempt fate." She glances down at her sandwich, frowning lightly. "Really, maybe I should take lunch elsewhere... but so long as you're over there, it ought to be fine, don't you think?" Because obviously Shari wouldn't choose to sit too close to Yuliana.
Surely Leina must be in a separate Mood to the one she was in back in April, of course. That was a month ago at this point! Yuliana frowns, and answers Shari, first: "I -- I did. I came here to get some space... I just don't think She appreciates why I'd do such a thing. It's..."
She sighs, trailing off for a moment as she takes another bite of chicken sandwich. It's teriyaki chicken, of course, because even the Western meals are a little Japanese in a place like this.
"This isn't exactly like Torrington," Yuliana says, still not entirely looking at Leina. (That suicide attack isn't just a hypothetical.) "Since the Major was acting on orders from above, and there is no one who guides the Empress's hand. How could there be? She is absolute." And Yuliana, at least, believes that. "But... back then... I knew they were abandoning me the minute they told me I was going alone. Cutting their losses... hell, even though he didn't want to burn me on something like that, it was just because he saw my limitations. But the Empress doesn't even realise that pain and physicality are limitations on my psyche... or maybe She doesn't care, I don't know. I don't know," she repeats, again, hapless.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"That's a much more pleasant reason."
Leina grins at Shari, having guessed wrong on that one. She doesn't open the door on Gerardo though because well.
Not in earshot of Yuliana.
Nope.
"Well... let's just say, if it helps- I trust them enough that I volunteered to let them do Newtype studies on me as part of a relevant project." Leina tells Yuliana, "That was before... you know, everything with Vist. Never got past planning stages."
But still that's a HEAVY gesture of trust for her to offer, given her past history even long before Vist. "I'm glad you're giving them a chance."
Leina winks at Shari, "And yeah now I remember, which is fortunate for them, if they really did the whole intern slave thing Koji would be a puddle on the damn floor when I was finished with him."
April was a bad month! It's just - this mood has carried on to May. But the doses of her meds have been upped so...
... she's getting there! Just not yet.
"Right, but in a way if he gave you an order, you couldn't really say no right? He could force the issue. And he could tell you 'anything' on what came from above, so he might as well be absolute."
Still though, her brow furrows at Torrington, "He really ordered you on a suicide mission against the Shamblo? Nngh, that asshole."
Leina sighs, and takes a sip of her coffee, but as she hears that helpless tone, she leans over the table and puts a hand on her arm.
"It's okay. We'll figure something out. Just gotta keep going? It doesn't matter what it is to her, it's fucked up no matter which way it is." She then says quietly, "It's not necessary to understand why she's abusing you. Just that - she is. And it's gotta stop."
Perhaps Elisa was a hurdle too far, before, for Yuliana to accept, but at least the distinction between Elisa and the Empress is far enough away that she can accept that the Empress is abusing her without it being a slight on Elisa in her mind.
<Pose Tracker> Shari Loom has posed.
"Haha," Shari laughs, a little nervously, "I didn't mean to." She doesn't go into any specifics for the moment, either--she figures Yuliana might know some, but she doens't need to know more.
"...Right," Shari answers of how it not always worked. And, well, "I think they're doing pretty well so far. Better than most people would."
And Shari grins at Leina. "Heheheh. Glad to hear it. Nope! I'm pretty happy there. It's sort of work-study so they could probably get away with it, but..." She gestures.
Hmmm. Yuliana's avoiding her? That's... a switch. "...Oh," Shari says. "That's fair. We won't get too close, then. Occasionally talking like this is fine, I think."
Shari doesn't really argue about it too hard. Probably because she sees Yuliana's good sense.
"...Right." 'She' doesn't appreciate it.
"What an asshole," Shari says of Pham. "The Empress, though... Does she... not?"
Shari frowns, thoughtful. She looks to Leina, and shakes her head. "...I think She understands mortal frailty," Shari says. "Maybe She has no patience for it. Maybe She doesn't see why it should be a limit. But She definitely understands that it exists."
"A scale like that, 'abuse' is a heck of a word for it, but..."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"It's all right," Yuliana forgives Shari for -- what? Being a teenager? Well, she's been absolved of it, and Yuliana is nice enough not to drag out the details of the boy she's seeing in front of her little friend. Shari gets so embarrassed when the topic of intimacy comes up, the poor dear.
What? That's just because she's embarrassed about how Yuliana approaches intimacy? No, that can't be right. Shari is clearly just easily embarrassed.
"That's certainly a statement," Yuliana raises her brow, when Leina talks about volunteering for study. "But I suppose it explains how they're able to study me, now... it's not really that far outside their wheelhouse, is it?"
Not that Yuliana would be terribly shocked at a laboratory suddenly deciding to do human research studies for the first time when she came to them. She was a national secret. Her body is kind of a big deal for anyone to get access to.
Which is also why it's such a big deal that Yuliana's trusting Leina's assessment that this lab is on the level; the threat of vivisection is always looming in the back of her mind. "They are... doing better than I expected," she says, to Shari.
She is suspiciously quiet on the nature of paying their interns -- but then, she was never in charge of Shari's paycheck. Would she even know how Elisa compensated her?
"It's fine," Yuliana agrees, with Shari, sad as it is that she has to keep her niece at arm's length. She does consider telling Shari that she should just destroy her wicked quartz so as to solve the entire problem, but she knows that Shari would just insist she needs it.
"Mm... yeah," Yuliana sighs, when Leina points out that Pham could just force the issue if she were stubborn. And she nods, when they both call him an asshole.
But she does look up, when Leina reaches over to touch her arm. "She's..." Yuliana starts, delicately, but at least she doesn't snap at Leina -- and it has everything to do with how she can differentiate the Empress and Elisa, in her mind. The Empress's sins are not Elisa's; if anything, Elisa has been more considerate of her, in the wake of the Empress's urgency. Elisa has been sure to let Yuliana's comfort dictate any situation, and she's always supported her desires.
"... you're right," Yuliana sighs, shoulders sinking, when Shari says that it's more an issue of patience. "She wouldn't -- She wouldn't demand I be strong if She did not realise I had to be." She puts her sandwich down on its bag, to reach her fingers over to rest on Leina's, instead. "It's hard for me to use that word," she says, looking down. "It feels outrageous -- how can God abuse Her subjects? She is... She is unlike you or I, unfettered by time and space and cohesion. And She holds neither hate nor disdain in Her hearts for me... She loves me. She does see to my safety, where She sees threats to it. These two," she looks down to the snakes coiled in her lap, "are proof of that. So it's not that I think She's my enemy, or anything... I don't just want to repudiate Her, you know. I just... wish She'd consider a little more moderation, that's all. She doesn't have to push me so hard..."
(It's an 'I' statement, but somewhere in there, she started echoing Elisa's words.)
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"But! Shouldn't!" Is Leina's easy answer, "And wouldn't!" She grins at her, but- Leina's aware of the vibe in the room and definitely doesn't delve further into the topic of Yuliana avoiding Shari.
There is a nod Yuliana's way on how they're able to study them, "They're not Quantum Brainwave experts, or anything, but- it's at least something they were thinking about. Given that Newtype Phenomena aren't... that different from Photon Energy in how they're influenced by emotional states."
She looks towards Shari on the Empress but, the wording of abuse, "The way I see it, it doesn't matter what the scale is."
Is her simple response, and indeed- she recognizes Shari may have a difficult time seeing what she went through as abuse.
In a way, perhaps it is easier for her to quantify such, having gone through similar. Murasame, Martha, Alberto - they were all her abusers in different ways.
Just like Glemy was.
The dizzying numbness of being in range of Yuliana is something she just endures, as her shoulders sink, and she listens to her, her desire not to repudiate her, to just show more moderation.
It makes her so MAD in a way, the idea of just wanting one's abuser to show more moderation. If only Glemy you know, had only half-brainwashed Elpeo.
If he hadn't gone so far.
Still, she tries her best to stay calm, and work down these logical lines. "Hm. Well. It's sorta like, ancient mythology right? You hear about the Gods people worshipped back then- just, running around, doing whatever they wanted, raping women... even if they were a Priestess or Oracle of another god or goddess."
She doesn't shy on the use of that word, "If they took a fancy to them. And you see the same behavior even to other gods, right? So if they're not even really treating - other gods differently other than the possibility of 'accountability'? Then- how else do you look at it? If they're treating both gods and people the same way."
It may be mythology, in that sense, but it illustrates the point, "Even if she's unlike us- it's, like how I said, she definitely understands some thing about humanity, like gender preferences."
She makes a small gesture with her hand, "Most people don't understand that well enough to articulate it academically, but everyone has some idea of 'gender' in their heads, know it or not. If she understands that much, then it feels she'd understand other concepts instinctually. She understands how to hate, for example. And if someone can hate - then they probably understand the basics of right, and wrong."
Leina concludes eventually on a summation. "Someone can love someone, and still choose to do wrong by them. I think that very much fits into the concept of gods that humans have worshipped throughout the ages."
They both might be the experts on the Empress, compared to her but - she doesn't consider her logic here far fetched. And if they can both understand their own abuse...
<Pose Tracker> Shari Loom has posed.
Shouldn't! Wouldn't! And absolution is free! Shari is not going to push on not having to give the details here, though she isn't quite self-aware enough to realize what's shielding her there. Instead, though, she's much more interested in the prospect of--"Hmm. Emotional states... I wonder how much that influences..."
Well, anyway. Shari doesn't elaborate on her theories for the moment. Instead, she nods as Yuliana says it's better than she expected.
Yuliana doesn't have to see Shari tell her 'no' today, so that's nice.
"Yeah," Shari says t Yuliana. "If She didn't know, she wouldn't be trying to 'protect' you like this. Maybe She doesn't know everything, but She's not some... simple-minded Outer Being, some kind of divine idiot who doesn't really know the score."
Shari watches Leina talk about abuse. Shari frowns a little.
"I dunno," she admits. "But ancient mythology... I guess."
"I think you guys are treating Her too small, all the same. That's not the Empress I knew."
"It's not like anything you're saying individually isn't true. But ancient myth gods were just 'big people'. I think She's more alien than that. Not so Alien that She can't understand--but maybe She doesn't want to."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"And yet I don't interrupt Photon Power," Yuliana remarks, on the similarities. "But... mm." She sighs, because the Void is another matter entirely.
(Should she feel bad, working with their enemies, like this? Surely she is giving Photon's people tools they will use to work against the darkness, eventually. But -- they're still helping her right now, aren't they? Elisa said... if they were just using her, she'd destroy them... so it's fine. It's fine.)
She doesn't realise just how angry such a logical statement has made Leina, of course -- she can't feel it, and more to the point, she's having trouble making eye contact with her right now. She does wince, hearing Leina's analogies to the stories men told themselves, but...
"The Empress was human, once," Yuliana says. "Though the Void has changed Her, She must remember some things about Her old life. Liking women... and Her vengeance, too. You know, I..." She pauses, biting her lip with one too many teeth. "I can even guess where She came from, I think," she says, more hesitantly. "The words She says have been turned inside-out, their tonal properties eviscerated, but there is -- the shape, the word order, the grammar -- it's all OCU English." It might be surprising, hearing Yuliana compare their Black Speech and a language they know... but Yuliana is a gifted polyglot, and part of that talent is recognising patterns between languages.
She sighs, the weight of her fingers sinking, against Leina, as her hand slips down to support itself on the table. "I know why you would think that way," she says, to Shari. "Witness to Her works, and stranger to Her hearts. I would never accuse my Wife of being small, Sharochka. But -- though She is alien, She has never just been... alien. Always has She loved me. All Her efforts reach for me. I don't know why I captured Her so... perhaps I was just the first person She saw for untold aeons. But... if She does not wish for anything, I think it is to think that I would abjure Her. She doesn't want to acknowledge that I cannot stand Her affection..."
Is Yuliana just being self-absorbed? It wouldn't be the first time.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Leina sure isn't gonna SAY that Elisa's spell interrupted Photon Power, even if Yuliana can't. Photon Power is critical infrastructure, so she can't exactly go talking about it TOO much, for something like that.
Leina does shrug though and tell Shari, "Sorry to say, I don't know. All the Vist stuff happened before we could and-" She flinches, "I do trust them but just - it wouldn't be good for me or them... right now."
It's rather obvious why that's the case.
Shari notes she might be treating her too small, and Leina hums, at that, as if she's trying to understand her perspective.
On being more alien, and Leina looks to Yuliana as she explains, and Leina nods as Yuliana confirms several things she was already theorizing about strongly- "That's why, I see her that way Shari. Because well, Yuliana told me once about the Empress' gender preferences as... separate from Elisa's. Yuliana prefers a more masculine presentation as that's what Elisa prefers but... the Empress prefers more feminine."
She just shrugs, "I was like, post sedation at the time so in a weird state, but it got me thinking like- why an alien being has a gender preference? But Yuliana asked Elisa about it and, yeah- it's also why Elisa is so sure that this will change humanity, because- the Empress proves it, having once been human."
But is that change such a good thing. Leina seems to say, locking eyes with Shari. She lets that linger for a while, indeed she's taking a risk talking about this sorta thing, but it's important perhaps for Shari's own research to understand this better, AND Yuliana was already talking about it.
"I still think it's related to well... your ancestor. That combined with, the cells, and how they interact with what they did to you." Leina offers, after a time, "I don't know why. It just feels like too much of a coincidence that we were shown that without it being- related."
Her fingers tap upon the table, in a way where she's just- it's like she's fixated upon a thought and that thought is-
Does the fact she was shown that, imply a Newtype Connection, even if she can't feel it?
She strays off of that thought, there's no way to really know that, in the end, she turns back to Yuliana and says, "I feel like- Yuli, this fixation she has upon you. No matter what you call it... it's not healthy, for her, or for you."
Leina tells her quietly, "You saw it in your days as a cop right? What these fixations tend to lead to for the person- their obsession is upon?"
It becomes easier and easier for her with everything she learns to see her as a person. OCU English geez.
"It's just, given what she is, as a goddess - once human, you can't show up and take them down to the station. Or put down a restraining order."
It's at that point, she adds...
"The only thing keeping this from getting any worse is the fact that she can't- physically be here, not yet."
<Pose Tracker> Shari Loom has posed.
"That's okay," Shari says. "A little curiosity isn't as important as your needs."
Yuliana doesn't. Shari recognizes that. But she also doesn't bring up that Elisa seems to be able to. And instead, they talk about the Void more directly. And the Empress...
"Hmmm." Yuliana explains about the Empress, and--
About...
"...I see." Shari is stiff about the Empress loving Yuliana; it isn't hard to imagine why she might be, considering.
"Hrm." Shari nods. "I see what you mean. I guess I always saw what She wanted me to see, so that makes sense. I still don't..." She shakes her head, and then she locks eyes with Leina too. A change to humanity..
"She's right," Shari says. "Access to that energy could change humanity."
Shari is clear with that. But hmm...
'Ancestor'. Shari looks at Leina curiously--she's going to want to hear more about that later. But for now...
"...I'm not gonna get into that," Shari says flatly of the Empress, her fixation, and Yuliana. "...So, She's not wrong that if Yuliana were suffused in Void energy, she'd survive better in the Void. That's true of anybody; the Void, as it is, is just not habitable for conventional life. Or even most unconventional life. It's so much energy."
"And I'm not really in favor of that energy getting out here in enough quantities that we'd have to adapt to it. So as long as that doesn't happen... Well. You gotta be able to stay in this world. So I think that's just how it is."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Best not," Yuliana agreed with Leina, much as Shari did, when she said she didn't know what the connection was.
She rather becomes occupied by the Empress in quick order, though.
"Well..." Yuliana smiles, a little self-effacing. "It's more accurate to say that my Elisa likes the presentation I enjoy. I -- I was butch before I met her, you know. Unfortunately, the REA can be rather closed-minded! Dressing like a man was the best way I could assure women of," she gestures, with her hand, "particular tastes that it was safe to take my invitations in the spirit they were intended. Of course, I'm not looking to advertise such a thing any more, but... it's still the style I prefer. And since I'm more comfortable in denim or leather than a silk dress, that's naturally what my Elisa likes to see, too."
She pauses, and adds: "Oh, do excuse me," to Shari. "I know you can be sensitive about these things..." As if she'd be embarrassed by the butch-femme continuum!
Whether the change is a good thing or not isn't something Yuliana confronts, but she doesn't challenge Leina's pondering. (Perhaps because she'd have to start thinking about whether it was a good thing or not.) Instead, on the topic of Siti Dian, Yuliana frowns. "It is strange you would see that," she says, "amidst so many moments where the Earth was changed forever."
There are lot of ways for events to be connected.
Yuliana picks her sandwich back up, and polishes it off, quietly. Nibble, nibble. It stops her from immediately reacting to Leina calling the Empress's attention a fixation. She does manage to say, once she swallows, "... a lot of times... it ended up in a homicide."
But then Shari goes on to flatly dismiss 'that' and give her own opinion. Yuliana scowls, straightening up and folding her arms. "And what do you know?" She issues, sharply, to Shari. "You don't know anything! If you really just wanted to turn me against my Wife, why am I even here?! If you hate the idea of the Void coming here so much, you -- what do you think's going on around me all the time?! If that's how you feel, you should just kill me right now!"
(And Leina might recognise that, too, from her experience with early Cyber-Newtypes. The way something as simple as tone can be read as rejection, and the way it's so easy to slip into the attack.)
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Leina can certainly understand after accidentally connecting to the Empress through Shari how a relationship that's one-sided Hatred might warp one's perspective on her.
She doesn't say that.
When Yuliana explains her gender presentation, she certainly nods in her own active listening way of how the REA can be so close-minded, "It's not so bad in the AEU about that, thankfully, but I still got called a Tomboy and worse... throughout my teens-" Her eyes wander down, "-after Neo-Zeon I wasn't a fan of wearing skirts as part of my uniform."
It's not really the same scale of bad but she at least wants Yuliana to know she can sympathize as she's been there. She blinks when Yuliana suggests Shari might be sensitive to that kinda thing.
Does Shari have problems with gender presentation??? Or is Yuliana just... well she doesn't know.
She does however, flinch subtly when Shari confirms that it could. And doesn't explain the ancestor part, right now, at least.
That part is complicated.
Leina's about to speak more about Yuliana saying that the fixations often ended in homicide, but- Shari voices she doesn't want to go into it, she nods sympathetically, deciding to respect her wishes as indeed - there was a DIFFERENT fixation there.
"Me neither." Is Leina's simple idea on it, "Like I don't see anything inherently corruptive if it's just - a power source but."
The problem with it getting out there, is that it might mean people start to research ways to get more of it out there.
She definitely wouldn't want Doctor Murasame for example, working on a way to get a crack at a lot of an unlimited power source that can turn people into Gods with enough exposure.
Yuliana however starts getting agitated, and Leina suddenly just half- stands up, putting a palm out, "Whoa whoa whoa-!"
Yuliana tells her quietly, "Yuli. Our whole reason for you being here is to keep you alive. Shari and me just don't see you as 'the Void'? That's separate. You're a person, who is connected to the Empress inside of the Void."
She takes a deep breath, then continues, "In order to help keep you alive, we're trying to understand it, and that connection? We're not rejecting you. We're just discussing how the Void-"
There's a pause, and-
Leina eventually sinks down into her chair. And she locks eyes with Yuliana and says, "Yuli. Just. Think about it. Everything we're saying about how the Empress was changed from a person, in ways that aren't... all that great. Do you understand why we might worry about a humanity that all- became like her?"
It's taking her a moment, to sound it out, "Let's say I became like her, right now, wouldn't that strip me of everything- that you like about me? If suddenly I couldn't understand, or didn't want to understand why me ripping you to shreds psychically, emotionally, physically... isn't a bad thing, if it were for the sake of a similar fixation? If it were for my own- selfish goals, that I need to sacrifice you?"
It's taking her a bit, but this is perhaps her own way of leading Yuliana to the idea that rejecting the Void for humanity - isn't rejecting her.
That indeed, it's separate, that she's separate, even if she's connected.
<Pose Tracker> Shari Loom has posed.
"Eh?" Shari asks. "I mean, it's not telling me about what knots she uses on you so I don't care that much..."
Shari knows too much about bondage at this point for someone who doesn't practice it. Maybe that's why she doesn't practice it.
But it is strange to see it. And homicide... It's an issue! Right as Yuliana starts to scowl at her.
"..." Shari watches Yuliana for a moment. Quietly. There isn't fear in her, this time; there isn't anxiety. There's just calm. But before she can answer, Leina stands up.
"So like," Shari says, "The Void coming here in full is bad for me," she says. "That's all. And we talked about... how I don't really want to fight. I don't want you hurt, Yuliana. I want... good stuff for you. Like you've tried to push for for me."
"So even if I did want to fight, I don't want to hurt you. I'd rather help. And I can't do that directly, because my methods aren't gonna work for you, and you wouldn't want them to. For me, avoiding Her entirely is the way to go. But that's not what you want, and I'm not gonna push you into it." ...Partly because she's seen where that goes, but this is not about that.
"But at the same time I'm not saying we should try to lock out the Void entirely, either. So like..."
"Maybe this is that 'psychosis' thing? Where you're not thinking clearly? Since I'm not your enemy."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"You are finicky," Yuliana says, of Shari's strange embarrassments.
"Fortunately," Yuliana sympathises with Leina, on the subject of uniforms, "the REA's uniform never required skirts." Not that she wore the uniform that much -- she was mostly a plainclothed officer, all the better to do her sabotage.
But Shari sets her off, and Leina -- tries to talk her down, at least. Yuliana bristles, eyes narrowing, but she stays quiet as she speaks. (Even if her mouth is set in a thin line, and her arms are still tightly barred across her chest.) "You want to turn me against my Wife," she insists, sullen, but at least she isn't yelling any more.
She stares at Leina, as she sinks back down. "It would be different if I were the same way!" She insists, scowling. "If I were with the Void as well, it wouldn't hurt any more! It wouldn't..." But something chokes at her throat, and she looks down. "Of course... if it was just you who went to the Void, if you became greater than yourself, if you started expressing your desires on my flesh just thet same... of course I wouldn't like that, Leyasha. Of course I wouldn't like that..."
She scowls, looking at Shari, instead. "Of course you want to hurt me!" She cries, at first: "I'm the wound the Void is pouring through!" But Shari keeps saying how she doesn't want to hurt her, how she wants to help her, and --
"Oh," she says, at length, when Shari says that she wasn't declaring they ought to lock out the Void. "I thought you meant..." But then her crestfallen tone dies in her throat, lips twisting into a snarling grimace as SHE stands, sharply, her chair clattering behind her.
"You think I'm just crazy?!" She yells, as she picks up her as-yet untouched can of soda. "When I told you that awful thing called me delusional, you said I WASN'T! So what's this?! You really think I'm mad, don't you! YOU--!!"
But when her hand pulls back to lob that soda can right at Shari's face, surely with enough force to send her to the infirmary, they might notice --
-- the way the light flickers and gutters out in Yuliana's eyes --
-- and she places it calmly back on the table, instead.
"I'm going," she says, instead, as she turns and leaves with hurried steps.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Leina doesn't want to say what she thinks about turning Yuliana against her wife. It's... accurate.
She can't bring herself to feel guilty about it, from what she knows about Elisa.
And Yuliana KNOWS this since Leina outright told her she had to leave her wife, but right now it would be more harm than good.
"Yuli - Shari's problem wasn't with Elisa, it was with the Empress."
She tries at least, she tries! To continue to deescalate. It was only when Elisa confirmed she was a part of the Empress that Shari and her fell out.
"I understand you want to stop suffering. But- what about-"
The quick swing from not hurting anymore, to the abandonment complex, "-Yuli it's- you know I wouldn't do that right? It's not about abandoning you! It's- just, your way wouldn't ordinarily give me a choice either about- about what I become!"
The rapid shifts back and forth have her head spinning on how to even respond to it, there's something unsettling about this that she can't quite articulate. She doesn't need Newtype senses to know she's freaking out - but it's too similar to how she acts when she ISN'T freaking out!
Leina is TRYING her best to deescalate things, and for a time it feels like Shari might even succeed there- on not locking the void out but she winces with what Shari says about it being 'psychosis'. She doesn't resent Shari for doing her best. Shari too, has been hurt by the void, has been abused by the Empress, exploited by Elisa.
"I- Yuli- it's not-"
The way her hand pulls back to lob the bottle, Leina almost interposes herself fully, but she's not fast enough before Yuli's put the bottle back down.
When she says she's going, Leina looks like she's about to go after her, but then- slowly falls back into position, rubbing a hand across her face.
Then slowly she settles down, turns her phone over and-
>yuliana had an episode in a breakroom
>needs time to calm down but
>if u can send someone to check on her
>connect her with support
She feels like shit lately, and it's clear right now she can't help her. She just proved she's not able to, right here and now.
She waits until she's far enough gone, then looks towards Shari and goes, "Been a shit month." She says quietly, "I think- me trying to be her therapist right now when she's in crisis would just..."
Pause.
"...bad." She concludes.
<Pose Tracker> Shari Loom has posed.
Shari isn't trying to set her off. At the same time, she's no longer as afraid of doing so. She made her resolve against the Empress. But...
A grimace. And Yuliana almost throws something at Shari, and this time she does flinch, until--
Ah. The light.
"Well," Shari says after a few moments, after Yuliana's left. "That was fucked."
Leina almost goes after her, but not quite. "..."
"I guess that's what happens when I'm a little more honest with her," she says. "...I know the control's the only thing keeping me safe. But I want to help her anyway."
She looks down, and shakes her head. "I haven't had a shit month, and I still can't be her therapist. Why'd you think you could?"
"...But I'm not really hungry anymore," she admits, and looks down at the table.
"...Can I ever really coexist with them, after all...?"
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"Yeah."
To 'That was fucked.'
Leina does sigh, and rubs a hand across her face, "Yeah. Sadly the moment she associated it with- turning her against her wife, it was doomed."
She looks at Shari through the shifting cracks in her fingers, "Most abuse victims- it's near impossible to get them to the point where they can realize it."
She does however ask an important question, and Leina drops the hand, toying with the phone between both of her hands.
"I'm just- used to Cyber Newtypes having an unhealthy attachment to me, I suppose."
Leina tells her quietly, "It's not that I think I'm a therapist. Just- I- I know they can be talked down. My brother talked-"
Her eyes go abstracted, distant, "-one down, once from, much worse. Despite her being abused, and- brainwashed- and erratic."
Leina doesn't mention that the one she's discussing was STRANGLING her in an attempt to murder her, at the time.
"... I don't know. Just- most people think it's, not worth the effort- for most people like her." Her whole posture just sags and...
"... I can't accept that, so I feel, compelled to try."
She does ask an important question at the end and-
"I don't know." She tells her, frankly, "I just- I don't know. The situation. Everything about it."
It's a difficult admission but- "I always just feel, so in over my head that it's unreal."
Yet she tries anyway?
"I think you've already done enough towards, trying to play nice with them, if you're not feeling it." Is Leina's eventual answer, "I can't really- ask people, to do as I do here. I-"
There's this long uncomfortable silence, and then- as if admitting how untenable her position is, the knowledge of it, the uphill battle.
"... I don't know if this can end well for anybody."