2023-11-06: What Are You Feeling?
- Log: What Are You Feeling?
- Cast: Knight, Jana Cektru, Nidaime
- Where: The Division Train, outside Jupiter
- Date: 2023-11-06
- Summary: Nidaime gets a doctor for Knight, when it's clear his depression isn't getting any better after the fight with Shinobilar. Most of the doctors are, of course, quite busy -- but Dr. Cektru comes to see how he's doing. She finds that he's struggling with his own feelings because of deep-seated trauma, and encourages him to share his burden with others instead of keeping it all locked up inside.
<Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
"Thanks," Knight says, when Nidaime brings dinner in to him. Their room started simple, when the Division Train left -- a double bed, a dresser with drawers, two chairs, and a specially-pilfered table of the kind that swings over across the bed -- but Anosillus the Second has since made it entirely homely. There's even a flower pot affixed to the dresser, to make sure it doesn't float off if the gravity goes too weird. Everything's kind of pinned down, really, to account for Space, but there are doilies and stickers and a little stuffed cat beside the pillows.
Aside from the cat on the pillows, because Knight... is still in bed, still dressed in purple-flame pyjamas. That's why the Second had to bring dinner in to him. "You sure you don't want to come talk to everyone?" Nidaime presses, gently.
"Not right now," Knight says, and, blessedly, he's figured out cutlery by now. It means he won't get food in the bed. (He used to.)
"Okay..."
But there's no way the Second's going to be satisfied with that. Knight was terribly wounded by Alexis Kerib, scored right through the middle by his awful blade. No human would have survived being perforated like that, but he's still half a kaiju -- it's harder to kill him than most. Being half a kaiju, though, means there's more to his recovery than moving gingerly to spare his chest; it's about the heart beating inside, too. And while Nidaime's done her best... well, sometimes it hasn't gone well. Just look at that karaoke disaster.
Most of the doctors of the Division Train -- understandably -- are terribly busy with Algernon, and Nidaime knows better than to bother someone like Doctor Yang. But they brought a lot of doctors with them, and even if it wouldn't normally be her kind of job --
"Doctor Cektru?" The Second's voice rings out, as she hurries to catch up with her, in the hall. The office lady hurries forward, to get in front of her, and swings around to move backwards, her hands laced behind her. "Hey, hey, are you busy?" She asks, cheerfully. "Juuust, there's a lii~iittle problem with Naito --"
But by the time Nidaime's done selling Knight out, he'll have finished dinner and pushed the tray away, all the better to lie back down.
<Pose Tracker> Jana Cektru has posed.
Dr. Jana Cektru is aware of the trouble much of the Train is having since the destruction of ChuuRyuu. It was a terrible tragedy.
But she still has work to do.
In the hall, the Second approaches her, and Jana looks to her since she's right in front of her and everything. "Somewhat," she says, but she's listening. "Hmmm..."
SELLING OUT.
Knock, knock.
"Knight," Jana's voice comes at the door. "I'd like to come in."
She could just use her mind, of course. But it's polite to use one's voice, in a situation like this, among people who need that sort of thing.
She's in her usual blue and white, but she has a clipboard this time, and a kit.
"Nidaime sent me."
<Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
Everyone's somewhat busy, on the Division Train, so soon after discovering Jupiter is itty-bitty tiny big. Most people are more than somewhat busy, though, so Dr. Cektru still draws the short straw. And that straw leads to --
Knock, knock!
"Hn." Knight can be heard to be grunt, with the sound of blankets sliding across each other. "Come in."
And when the door opens, he's sitting on the side of the bed, socks on his feet. He looks at the kit, and he frowns. "All right. But you don't need that. I wasn't hurt." In the fight, he means. He went through all the standard post-fight decontamination that GGG might insist on; he hasn't been corrupted by Triple Zero.
It's simpler than that.
<Pose Tracker> Jana Cektru has posed.
Jupiter... It's a concern!
Jana steps into the room, closing the door behind her, and looks over Knight, considering him. He does look fine. "Good," she says. "I was dubious about these supplies in any case."
She steps inside, and says, "But she did want me to talk to you. So if there's anything about this that you'd be willing to discuss..."
She says, "I know that there's been a lot to happen. Even before we left for Mars and Jupiter."
Jana keeps standing for the moment, standing up straight. She does appreciate the decor, but she doesn't comment on it for the moment; if he looks, though, he can see that she's glanced about at it.
The plant is nice.
<Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
"Save them," Knight says, looking at that kit in her hands. For the humans, presumably. "I don't need it."
He frowns, glancing aside, to the stuffed cat. (It looks a lot like Foras.) Finally: "There's a chair." He doesn't entirely tell her to sit down, but it's close enough.
There are, in fact, two chairs: one is pink and squishy-soft and spinny, and one is blue, firmer of cushion, and more inclined to rock than spin. No guess whose is whose. How did they even get these in here?! Jana's quest, then, will become picking the right seat to sit in, because there's a right and a wrong answer to this one... but she should be able to tell that he doesn't want her sitting in Nidaime's chair easily enough, given she can read his mind.
"Alexis Kerib stabbed me through. I couldn't protect Akane Shinjo, then. I almost died... then there was an Angel. I spoke with Asuka Shikinami Langley. She didn't know why she saved me, when she should have killed me. From the DG Cells. Last year." It's a whole lot of information, with precious little context, in a short span of time; he just expects her to keep up.
"She was like me."
He pauses. He goes on. "Gridman left. So it's up to me... but another Angel came. In Asuka Shikinami Langley's cockpit. She would have wanted it to die... I did what I had to. But she tried to save me. Even though it was impossible. To protect humanity, you have to kill threats to humanity." He takes another breath, and doesn't add another sentence. "..." There's just an empty space, where one would go.
"Now," he says, instead, "another Auto-Intelligence is out there. It's infected... I have to destroy it. But," and here there is a longer pause than a single comma suggests, "you know what I was."
<Pose Tracker> Jana Cektru has posed.
Jana, as one might expect, goes for the blue chair. "Yes," she agrees with 'save them', and sets the kit on the table where it can be forgotten for the moment, where she'll take it again when she leaves.
It's possible that she read his mind. It's also possible that she just knows what she's about.
It's a lot of information, but Jana's a smart woman. She keeps up. Besides, she's seen a number of the reports on related incidents. Asuka...
"Yes," Jana answers, considering their similarities.
Gridman left... And another Angel. Yes, the one that Asuka ended up facing. Jana remembers. They tried so hard to save her. She feels that empty space where there could've been a sentence like a wound.
"I do," Jana says. "...It's a difficult thing."
"We all did our best to save her, but I think you understood her better than most of us. Understood her priorities. ...At the same time, she helped you--even when she could've, should've destroyed you. And you couldn't repay that."
"Now, this auto-intelligence..."
She could say there are many ways to protect humanity. She could say that he doesn't need to destroy it. But that may not be true.
"There is no easy answer. You know your duty, but it's hard to carry it out--for more reasons than its difficulty."
"If there is a way to save it, rest assured--your comrades will find it. They try very hard, to save everyone. Even when it's ill-advised. And if not..."
"I know that we can count on you. That your resolve will see you through. Even though it's difficult."
She pauses. "But I'd like to hear it from you. Your reason, for protecting humanity. The thing that will keep you going."
<Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
Jana may get the distinct psychic impression that she has made the Correct Chair Choice. (Which is a little strange, because normally, people are protective of their chairs. Knight, on the other hand, is protective of his partner's chair. Awww!) There's plenty of space on the table for the kit; Knight has stacked the empty plates neatly on his food tray, ready for him to take it out when he has the give-a-fuck necessary to leave their room.
But... he knows his duty, yes. And he frowns, as he listens to Jana. All of that makes sense, to him, but...
... his own reason? He is quiet, for a moment, considering that. His thoughts are in his head, but it takes a minute to put them in order.
"I'm no longer a kaiju any more," he says, and Jana has the insight to know what he's saying: not that he isn't physically a kaiju, but that he's no longer acting as the class of being known as kaiju, unbound massive forces which lumber through the world, so easily turned to destruction. It's not a species classification -- it's a declaration of intent. "I'm an irregular being, now, but I owe it to humanity to stay here and protect them. Since Tsutsujidai did so much damage. When a natural world is possible again, we'll take our leave... but I can't go before paying my debts."
A beat: "I was taught it's good manners." He says this quite seriously.
"This world belongs to them," he says, at length. "Anything which threatens that can't be tolerated. And someone like me can deal with it. Even though I'm not like them... I owe it to them.
<Pose Tracker> Jana Cektru has posed.
Jana is pleased about that. The chair. She does notice that Knight is more protective of the chair that looks not to be his... and it says things about him. Good things, she thinks.
But for now... Jana waits for the answer. She doesn't pry into his mind to get his thoughts; she waits for him to express them.
And to wait until he finishes expressing them. Once he does, she considers his good manners, and the belonging of the world...
"I see," the doctor answers. "Yes. It is good manners, to pay your debts. And the world has great need of you right now."
"That's a set of reasons you can follow, then. A set of reasons that humans can rely on. That will be ready to keep them safe." She pauses. "...My own are a bit different. I made a human friend, far away... And for the sake of that friendship, I came to find the home of humanity. From there, I made more human friends. For them--and for the sake of a civilization that I want to see grow--I wish to protect them."
"But," she says. "For debts..."
"I think that you may feel you owe Asuka a debt you can no longer repay--because she saved you, when she need not have, and you were unable to save her in turn. So I suppose the question is: what can you do for her, now? You seem to understand her wishes--what can you do, to repay that debt, based on what she would have wanted?"
"...I agree. This world belongs to them. But you and I will be in it for some time yet. We must be able to ourselves live here."
<Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
"... she wouldn't want me to hesitate," Knight replies, at length, after long silence. "Her protectionism wouldn't allow it. Since I'm exceptional, she'd want me to be exceptional... and use my strength to protect the people who can't protect themselves." It's a nice way to describe Asuka's approach, certainly, but is he wrong?
"But it's something I'm struggling with. Living here. The Second says she isn't dead... apparently, Kaworu Nagisa said so. I keep thinking about her. And now, Shinobilar..." His hands flex, in his lap, curling and uncurling. "I'm not at peace with myself."
And that's his problem, the other hole torn in his heart.
<Pose Tracker> Jana Cektru has posed.
Long silence is fine; Jana is patient. Dr. Cektru in fact waits as long as it takes. And when Knight does reply, she nods. "Yes," she says. "Then you can repay her by doing as she would have you do."
Pause. He's struggling... "It's hard," Dr. Cektru admits. "I have heard Mr. Nagisa say as much. Perhaps he would know. It's natural to think of her, either way. When we lose someone, they linger in our memories."
Shinobilar...
"When we are not at peace with ourselves, it is much like--not exactly like, but much like--a broken bone in a human. If it's not corrected--not allowed to heal properly--then it will heal in such a way that exacerbates the problem."
"The first step is acknowledging it. You've done well, to understand that much already."
<Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
"I am," Knight confirms.
It's what he believed before Asuka -- died? Almost died? Should have died? He doesn't know what kind of state she could be in, after the Dummy System decimated her -- was defeated, but it's hardly something he can't commit to, now. After everything that happened... he owes it to her, too.
But is this really what he owes her?
He frowns, looking down at his chest. His ribs healed. He thinks they healed. They are, more or less, in the correct position. Aren't they?
"I heard that when a bone doesn't heal right, you just need to break it again," Knight says, at length.
"Is that what I have to do?"
<Pose Tracker> Jana Cektru has posed.
Jana Cektru does not know in what state Asuka could be alive. Kaworu often seems to know things that others don't. So she is willing, for his sake, to withhold judgment... But only withhold. The evidence of her eyes is significant.
"If you owe her anything different," Jana says, "Then you'll realize it in time. Through living."
A pause. She considers the way he puts it. "Yes and no. To a point... Yes. You have to let yourself 'feel' the pain. You have to allow it to be expressed. You have to acknowledge the difficulty you're having, and seek a path through it, rather than just ignoring it or asserting that you have more important things to do. That will be painful, like re-breaking a bone would be."
"But you haven't full healed, so I don't think it's as dire as that. What you need to do is 'set' the bone before it heals. And in that, I can only begin to guide you; no one but you can fully express your own heart."
<Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
"But I want to know now," Knight frowns. "I should be able to figure it out." Learning is his entire thing, after all. That never stopped being true.
His frown deepens. "I..."
Knight's breath comes in with a deep rasp, lifting his shoulderblades, and falling. "When I was born," he says, and it might seem like a tangent,
"Akane Shinjo kicked the seat, and Alexis Kerib crashed the car."
Note that at no point there did he say that Akane made Alexis crash the car. Those two items may seem intertwined, but they're separate statements.
"That's when I learned that expressing yourself gives other people the excuse to hurt you."
He relates this without decoration in face or voice; his eye fixes in the middle distance, just to the left of a Sheryl poster Nidaime put up, and his tone is strikingly neutral.
"Since then, I only expressed myself when I was in a fight. Since if I was fighting, I expected people to hurt me, anyway."
And he has grown strikingly still.
<Pose Tracker> Jana Cektru has posed.
It would seem... There is some breaking to do after all. Jana understands that impulse to know now, after all--it's something he's good at. And that is perhaps all the more key.
Knight explains. Two separate statements. Akane kicked the seat, and...
Yes, of course his tone is neutral. It would be, given what he just said.
"Then that," Dr. Cektru says, "Is what we must 'break'. That knowledge. Because it is true that expressing yourself can give others an excuse to hurt you. But it also gives them a chance to help you. It gives them a chance to understand you--which can be frightening, yes, but is also essential to forming relationships with others."
"That's my belief, at least. Start small... but start. That's what you'll have to do, in order to regain peace with yourself."
"The alternative is to be alone forever... but that's only a facsimile of peace, in my view. Or, of course, to go on as you are now. In pain."
<Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
"I've... gotten better. At it." Knight reflects, still talking just to the left of that poster. The Second is a big fan. "Since Death Knight... I had to ask for help. And I've talked about why, sometimes. Why I'm doing it."
He frowns. It is, at least, an expression. "But I don't... show it. Talk about how I feel. Not that much."
He looks down at his hands. He could grasp something, and throw.
"I don't want to hurt anyone."
He doesn't.
But does talking about his feelings really involve hurting other people...?
<Pose Tracker> Jana Cektru has posed.
Sheryl Nome seems to be very popular. Jana doesn't try to change the trajectory of Knight's gaze. Instead, she listens. He has gotten better... And he does show an expression. "That's good," she says.
But...
"Are you worried that sharing your feelings with others will burden them?" Jana asks. "That giving them your feelings--your negative feelings, especially--inherently hurts them?"
It's important to ask, and clearly.
<Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
"... yes," Knight responds, after another length of silence.
"I don't want to throw them at anyone."
He's not being figurative.
"I just thought... I wasn't an expressive person. I kept it inside. I was an expressed feeling," he was a kaiju, "but that meant I couldn't watch where I was stepping. If I worried about that, I wouldn't be able to fight." He's still not being figurative.
He blinks. (He remembers to blink.)
"I don't blame her. And she's apologised. But it's still difficult for me. It was different for me."
<Pose Tracker> Jana Cektru has posed.
Yes, it's simple enough. And no, he isn't being figurative, is he? An expressed feeling...
"Things are different now, from when you came into existence."
"Even if you don't blame her, even if she's apologized... The effects of what's happened remain."
"It is difficult. It's different for you than for many. But you do care where you step, now."
<Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
"But, that's why--!" Knight snaps, attention turning to Jana again. The demand in his voice fades as soon as it sparks, one hand placing over another in his lap: "... that's why I can't just come out and say it. Samurai Calibur said the name of my new form was Gridknight... since I wanted to protect them. If I want to protect them, I have to --"
His lips curl around his teeth; he grimaces. His hand slips up, to grasp his wrist. "Get a grip on myself," he illustrates.
"But it weighs me down. So I stay in here. I couldn't leave Akane Shinjo to confront this alone. But I don't even know if I can fight. When I was fighting Shinobilar... that kaiju wanted to win more than I did. So I took a beating..."
He looks up, to the light at the centre of the room.
"... shit."
(He doesn't tend to swear so much, when he isn't in a fight, and maybe that makes a little more sense in light of this expose.)
<Pose Tracker> Jana Cektru has posed.
"It's a paradox," Jana answers him, looking at Knight quite seriously indeed. There is no levity in her expression, just clear intent.
It does make sense.
"To protect humans... you wish to avoid burdening them with your own problems. But that brings with it its own problems--you become weaker, because you cannot support yourself. And they worry about you, in turn."
"It may seem that it harms them, to share your feelings... but it affords them the opportunity to display that they care about 'you', as well. And that makes all of you stronger."
"We can fight harder when we're a 'part' of something. That's what that affords you."
<Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
Knight frowns. He should be able to support himself. But...
... it's not like he can deny that Akane and Rikka were worried about him, either.
"When we're part of something, huh..." He looks down at his hands, flexes his fingers, and releases his own wrist. "... all right. It's better if we become stronger, anyway. Since this is Triple Zero." If there were a threat more terrible than his erstwhile uncle -- surely it's this.
"I'll... try to speak about it." A beat, "How I feel about it." Another beat, "I'll try to figure out how to say how I feel about it."
Silence stretches on for a full minute and fifteen seconds.
"Bad. I feel bad about it."
HE'S TRYING HIS HARDEST.
<Pose Tracker> Jana Cektru has posed.
Dr. Cektru has had time to learn this particular lesson--and even though she should've known it herself sooner, she learned a new perspective on it from a young Earth girl.
"Yes," Jana agrees. "Even my people don't have a solution to Triple Zero. We all must do the best that we can."
She nods, and waits, as he tries to figure out how he feels. She waits, for that full minute, and longer...
"Good," Dr. Cektru says after Knight expresses himself. "That's a good start. Let yourself feel bad. And share it, with your friends and comrades. Together, you can all overcome those feelings, and move forward as one."
<Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
Knight sits with this for another minute (and thirty-seven seconds), before he decides: "I don't like feeling bad. I want to feel something else."
Unfortunately, his whole process of learning and adapting and changing doesn't really work well with stopping to feel his feelings. It's all very inconvenient when he could just change himself to be more efficient.
(Except -- he doesn't change himself, any more. He's stuck to Gridknight ever since he copied it from Gridman.)
"But... all right. I'll tell them." He frowns. He's worried about it, of course. But Jana, at least, is a doctor who's never done wrong by him...