2023-11-01: The Mental Millstone Of Wars
- Cast: Sayla Mass, Teletha Testarossa
- Where: Mass Villa
- Date: U.C. 0097 11 01
- Summary: A girl trying to find herself confers with a woman dragged into conflict by no fault of her own.
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
Villa Mass is quiet in the dead of night, especially right now.
Many of the Villa's occupants are away these days- either on their way to Jupiter, or off preparing for a wedding or working or... whatever it is Chris does in her spare time.
And once Leina's had her meds, she's out for the night.
Sayla, however, is a light sleeper, ever since she was a kid.
Having to wake up at odd hours for online meetings with the Riah Chamber of Commerce hasn't helped with that.
So, right now there's sounds coming from the kitchen- a pot being set on the cooktop, a chopping board being placed down.
Inside the kitchen, Sayla is wearing a fluffy robe over a comfortable nightdress and some expensive looking slippers, as she starts taking a knife to a block of dark chocolate.
On the edge of her senses, though, she can feel that she's not the only one awake at this hour. The advantage of living in a house full of people who can exist on that plane.
So she's prepping a little extra, just in case. Worst case the ingredients are prepped so Leina can make her own in the morning, if she feels like it.
<Pose Tracker> Teletha Testarossa has posed.
Tessa has never been one to sleep light. To sleep for less hours, yes, but for the actual depths of sleep, she's learned to dive deep and not come back up until a prescribed time.
Yet, the storm of uncertainty keeps her awke. The kitchen sounds bring comfort, a light to a wandering gal that sets herself towards the source. Those mental walls aren't willingly up; Its instinctual by now, the muted conflagiration that seems to be a constant nowadays in her head.
A girl in sky-blue pajamas, semi-alert eyes peering from rings of faint black.
"...Sayla? Good...Evening, I think." Far past evening. She does, however, liberate the kitchen fridge of a juice box. Sugar for the brain. "Though it'd be around 0500 at base, if my time zones are correct." A jab of plastic straw through aluminum hole, seating herself at the table and watching.
"How's everything?"
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
Hearing Tessa enter, Sayla looks over her shoulder from where she's working. "Hi Tessa," she responds, calmly. No rank in here- Villa Mass is something a refuge from the weight of such things- outside of Sayla's study, at least. "Can't sleep?"
She nods at Tessa's assessment of the time. "...So, about when you'd be waking up there." Sayla can understand that interrupting her schedule. Stilll... "Complicated, but calmer than they have been." That's probably an understatement. "A lot of meetings organizing the Foundation's halloween party, but I'm trying to leave some of that up to others for once." Trying is the operative word. "And apart from that Leina and I have got a lot of paperwork to go through. How are you holding up?"
She watches as Tessa takes the juice box. "I'm making some hot chocolate, would you care for some? It's no trouble to make more." She smiles. "Tends to help me sleep too, now I'm trying to avoid nightcaps."
<Pose Tracker> Teletha Testarossa has posed.
"Not particularly...I heard noises, and its better to be awake than not at the moment." Too many thoughts in the head made one unsettling. There's a wave towards Sayla, brightening up the smallest bit.
"...I'm sure Leina's already told you, or some of it, anyways." Mother-daughter relations, huh... "But, I'd like to think I'm doing fine." Her own understatement in kind. "Better since Sousuke's had his employee contract changed. We're in a better spot than before." Herself included. "Mithril's trying to move to react to everything, and things haven't settled down since Minerva's speech. We're lucky that things haven't escalated." Knock on wood.
"Ah, yes." It's easy to spot the dark chocolate. "Make it how you usually do it." What is the usual? She has no clue. But there's faith in those words, placed on the altar for Sayla's cooking.
A sip of the juicebox. "Paperwork never ends, and..." ...It's a strange feeling. Paperwork for days. Then what? "...We're getting close to the end of another year, huh..."
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
"Ah, I see." She smiles lightly, at the wave. "Well, I'm glad to keep you company for a while."
Sayla nods. "...She said you seemed to be under a fair bit of stress right now." Sayla answers honestly. Better to be truthful. She smirks wryly at Tessa's claim that she thinks she's doing fine, but doesn't say anything. She can understand the sentiment. "...I'm glad. That was a difficult position to be in."
Sayla nods slowly, adding a small amount of sugar. "For now, at least. I think the Federation is still reeling from the OCU leaving. Who knows how it will be when things have finished shaking out?" Sayla sighs. "I know Mineva tried to avoid adding fuel to the fire as much as possible, but..." When the milk has come up to temperature, she adds the chocolate to start whisking it through, waiting for it to melt. "No problem."
Sayla lets out a small laugh. "Too true, but at least the adoption process is finite." She pauses. "Hopefully, at least." As she stirs, she turns to Tessa. "We are. The year's moved quickly, hasn't it?" It's been intense, too. Very intense.
Sayla feels a little different here. More relaxed, less 'on'. "So, if it's better to be awake, want to talk about it?" She can keep up the small talk, but if Tessa has something on her mind, she'd like to hear it.
<Pose Tracker> Teletha Testarossa has posed.
A fair bit. There's a sense of understatement at that phrase. Best to not overthink it, or she'll be spiraling into a track few can define. "It should be better for both sides. If you're willing to believe it, its better for bookkeeping, too." A minute chuckle. "Something about how to properly bill people and expense management." The ever-eternal maw of accounting trickery.
"Mhm. It's hard to not forget that speech, as well-meaning as it tried to be." The goddess of possibility. A hard pill to swallow, one so wholly rejected by her. "The OCU problem shouldn't-" Keyword: shouldn't. "- be a problem for a few years. Unless the REA wants to expand their territory and risk condemnation, but with Yuliana's movements, anything is possible." It's a shakly foundation. Just where will it all go.
Her downcast eyes turn upward to meet Sayla's gaze. Straw in her mouth, sucking the juicebox dry. Quicker than she thought. "I'd say 'too quickly' for myself, but that's how time is." She can't help but crack a smile, one clearly filled with self-derision. "I hope it slows down, even for a bit. I'd like to...have one last chance at being a highschooler, if that."
Still, it's hard to not notice the change in demeanor. It's hard to not piece together why. "You're asking the hardest questions tonight, aren't you?" Talking. Talking is hard. It always was, always has been, moreso when your entire existence is classified.
...But, she knows. "...Sayla. When you were on White Base, near the end of the One Year War...Did you think you'd be in war for this long?" It's so long. It already feels so long. "Or was it just circumstances that kept you going?"
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
"I hope so." She says, pausing as she checks the consistency. Not yet."Oh that part I fully understand. The loopholes you can use with consulting." What, Sayla using accounting loopholes? Never.
"It's a moment that's going to have an impact on the Earthsphere. I think she did the best she could, under the circumstances, but still." Sayla pauses. "...Yes. She's a wild card at the moment, and she seems to have goals beyond just revenge on the REA." Whatever they are, though, she didn't have anything there.
"You'd think so, at least. The world can't move this fast forever." Still... "I can certainly give you space on one front, at least, to take some time. You should be able to take a week at least after everything that happened in Azadistan." Does she honestly think Tesssa should still be on duty yet? No. Especially given she was the one holding the reins to the Alliance when Sayla was stood down.
"...Sorry," Sayla says, with an apologetic smile. "I tend to do that." She reaches for the cayenne pepper, and sprinkles a pinch into the hot chocolate before stirring it through. As Tessa ask her questions, she pours two small cups of hot chocolate, before moving to set them on the counter near Tessa.
Tessa too, asks a hard question. "...I didn't." She answers, a hard question like that deserving an honest answer. "I genuinely thought I might have the chance to never set foot in a cockpit again, once it was over. A Baoa Qu felt... final, I suppose." She pauses. "It... seemed I wouldn't for a long time. Things weren't peaceful, but it was quieter. Operation Stardust was probably the sign it wouldn't be that easy, though." She pauses. "But when the Gryps conflict came, I still didn't enter battle directly. I was routing funds to Karaba, but I didn't even start doing support work until Tris and Alan recruited me to the Alliance."
She pauses to take a sip of her hot chocolate. It's thick, and rich, with a tiny bit of a kick. "But after Axis, I felt like I couldn't just stand by anymore. I felt... I don't know, some sense of responsibility for it?" She shrugs. "So... Circumstances, I suppose."
She leans against the counter. "But... there was a time where I wasn't. And I think there will be a time where I won't be again."
<Pose Tracker> Teletha Testarossa has posed.
"Money never changes, grey-market or not." She can't help but utter a chuckle at that. All the technology, and worrying about money still. There's a hope that no one ever looks at the books of the TDD-1.
For Yuliana, all she can hope for is that others can work themselves out. "All we can do is wait."
But. A whole week? "...I wish I could believe that offer, you know." A suck on the juicebox. It's bone-dry. "Azadistan was...It hit back at Jindai, too. Kaname was shot. Nearly died." There's a flare of something. A flare that seemed to paint the walls red. "...She's fine. It's settled." No more. No more thinking about her target for now.
But to hear such an answer to her question...A nod of appreciation at the hot chocolate, cupping one serving in her hands and basking in its warmth. "From what I've been told, no one ever does." There's a light at the end of the tunnel. That's something she has to believe in. Something immutable to keep her going. "Still, to be here for that long."
She takes a sip. Hot. Warm. The subtle kick under smooth milk, basking in the warmth of company and drink both. "...I'm also bound by circumstance, you know. It's obvious when I say it, but it's good to remember that." Tapping her own head. "What happened to me wasn't natural, and I'm sure will never happen again. But the things I've done, and why I'm here..."
There's a moment's pause to sip another bit. "I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I left it all to hang." Despite the weary statement, all that's on Tessa's face is a smile of resignation. "If- When there comes a time that things settle down, I'll still be there. Though, I suppose I have a goal in mind. Don't school counselors love it when you have a path for your own future?"
Another sip. A sigh. "It's reassuring to know that...even something like White Base is just circumstance. I don't envy Amuro for what he shouldered, or Bright."
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
"Indeed. If anything, you need to keep a firmer eye on it." It's not cheap to run an independent secret organization, after all.
"Sayla frowns, as Tessa mentions Jindai. "...Damnit." Amalgam are prepared to make moves at Jindai now... So that's why Tessa can't go back so easily. That spike is loud, noticeable. "Right." Sousuke's back at Jindai now, with Kaname. She has security again.
"I feel like even a soldier who enlists doesn't intend to be there forever. It's part of what they're fighting for." She pauses. "There are exceptions, of course. There are people who never want the fighting to stop." Sayla pauses again.
"...but better to be here than not, I think." How many of her friends has she lost, how many people has she outlived?
It's... a little heartening, strangely, that Tessa feels herself bound by circumstance? Worrying, too. "The thing about circumstance is that it's ever changing. You won't be bound forever." There's a certainty from Sayla there. Maybe her own lived experience. Maybe hope that Tessa can have some normalcy sooner rather than later.
"I understand. Once something like this starts... you can't really walk away until it's finished, can you?" She found that out the hard way- and has had occasional reminders. "Supposedly," Sayla comments, on the topic of guidance counselors. "I kind of missed that experience." Sayla takes another slow sip. "...At your age I was... well, after the war I was convinced I'd just be working as a general practitioner in Britannia until the Federation let us move." She gestures vaguely with her free hand. "You can see how that worked out. You never know the paths that will open up to you."
Sayla has a sad smile on her face. "The White Base was nothing but circumstance, Tessa. I still don't know why I went there after Loum. They were taking refugees and would accept my medical school credits, I suppose." She sighs. "We were lucky it was Amuro who found the project, because he understood his father's work. We were never given the option to stop. A bunch of kids caught having to man the Federation's secret weapons project, because it took on refugees and all the soldiers died."
Sayla nods. "...And even then, we all made mistakes. We pushed Amuro to the point he deserted for a time, Bright was trying to command a ship as an ensign fresh out of training. Mirai was helmswoman based on the fact that she was a commercial glider pilot. After Captain Cassius died, the person on the ship with the most combat experience was Ryu, with a few simulator trials under his belt." She wonders how much of this story Tessa knew, honestly. The version the Federation tells is... different. Much more befitting war heroes. The troublesome parts sanded off.
"...I concede, I was a little worried when I first met you and Sousuke, after Kai told me that Amit Meyer was the head of Intelligence. I... thought you might be in a similar situation." Sayla shakes her head. "I know it isn't the same. But still, I hope the day that circumstances changes in your favour is sooner rather than later. You've already been doing this longer than I had at your age."
<Pose Tracker> Teletha Testarossa has posed.
"An organization like ours is...predicated that the cash is enough to sustain their virtues." Another sip. It's not cheap at all, even with Mithril's ability to shore funds. They were a technical loss-leader.
"Mhm. No actual shots, but the mental scarring is soemthing we can't discount...But it's Kaname. I believe in her strength of will." And her feistiness. There's warmth coming from her at that moment. The comfort of someone attempting to share happiness, thorny and cryptic as it was.
"So long as there's two people alive, there's going to be a third who wants fighting." The sentence is laced with certainty, a cynical conclusion born of seeing the world. "But there's always going to be a fourth who wants it to end. I'll stake myself as being that fourth...I hope."
"Better than the alternative." A pause. Another sip. She's only 17. How much is enough?
Until it's finished. What's the goal? ...It's obvious. Its always been obvious, from the very start. The sheen of red hatred from her core, a dull thrum of an engine that refuses to be snuffed out. "I think...I'll get there eventually. Martha's wrong about what she said." About having to toss away pride and who she was. "...I can't sacrifice everything. That's inherently good...I hope." It's so uncertain. This passage of life.
Tessa takes another sip. Ah, the kick is refreshing. "It's strange to know that most of this is circumstance. Somehow." An eyebrow raised at how Sayla told it. It was easy to understand that the Federation had to push White Base up, the ship that did it all, that manifested the White Devil and brought the war back from the brink to its conclusion. It's another thing altogether to hear it firsthand. "Even heroes have their complications, and what comes after..."
Nothing is set in stone. Nothing is as simple as it seems, so much as one wants to think. Maybe its time to pull from the mire before the rot of weariness infests.
"I still remember our first meeting and what I asked, you know." Still, she's a bit brighter than before, draining the cup. "Amit's a...he means well. His paranoia's up for debate, but he has his heart in the right place. Uncle Borda's too." A sigh. "I want to believe in people, and write off what happened with the hijacking as a freak case. ...Even if things scream otherwise."
A deep breath in. And out. "Thank you for believing in me then, Sayla. We're here by choice. Kaname, Sousuke, and I. I don't intend to leave until..." There's a pause. A heavy pause. "...multiple things are resolved."
A soft smile hardened by knowledge gazes down at the bottom of the hot chocolate cup, hands cupped around it. "I hope it's soon. I don't think it will be."
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
Sayla takes a deep breath at that. "An apt way of putting it." All it takes is one person for whom it's not enough. Tessa and Sayla have both experienced what happens when that's the case.
"I agree. Kaname's a strong young woman." Sayla smiles at Tessa's warmth. "And I've seen how strong the three of you are together." Another sip of the warm drink. "You're also all quite cute together."
Sayla nods. "Three on one are pretty good odds, I'd say. Especially when you might find more who think the same way. You're certainly not standing alone."
"...It's the harder path to keep to your ideals. But also the more worthwhile one." Sayla puts her cup down on the counter again. "And I believe in your ability to walk it." She remembers the things Martha threw at them, the venom she had for Tessa. "You're strong yourself, after all. Just remember to share the weight with others. That's how you'll manage it."
Sayla just gives a small nod. "I think it's more common than not these days. But maybe that's just because we look for it." She shifts her weight again. "Hero is something you apply after the fact. At the time we were just trying to get through it. That's how it is for everyone, I think."
Sayla blinks, however, as Tessa brings up their first meeting. "And now I know what you were asking back then... even if Leina's been at bit better at it than I have." She pauses. "I'm glad you responded to me so firmly and earnestly at that time. It helped me know I could trust you."
Sayla frowns a little, but nods... and then chuckles a little. "...You really do like picking the harder road, don't you?" She smiles again. "I'm glad that's what you want to do. Closing yourself off to such belief hurts less... but it closes you off to much more than pain." Another hard lesson Sayla learnt, when she was around Tessa's age.
"You're welcome." She extends a hand to Tessa's shoulder to give it a supportive squeeze- but stops before if Tessa shows any discomfort. One of the advantages of newtype means being able to sometimes detect if you're going to cause unnecessary distress. "Then you'll have my support as long as I can provide it. And when it's over, I'll support you in finding what comes next, if you want it."
Sayla nods. "...Maybe so. But you're always welcome here when you need a reprieve or a rest. The door's always open for you. For all of you."
<Pose Tracker> Teletha Testarossa has posed.
<poem>It's reassuring, somehow. To know and understand that this path, dire as it may be, was walked on by others, by people in circumstances far beyond their own. Reassuring, and worrying that this lasted long enough to repeat. "I'll...do my best." Shouldering the burden on others. The best she can.
It's a hard thing to understand. 'But I can't.' So says the stubbornness of a teenage Colonel. 'What I've done, I can't shove on others.'
But she smiles and buries that thought away from the shining light, the hand on her shoulder. "I'll...Try to get some more sleep soon." That's the least she can do, in this moment. If only minutely so.