2023-09-01: Pain
- Log: 2023-09-01 Pain
- Cast: Kaworu Nagisa, Rei Ayanami
- Where: Geofront, Tokyo-3
- OOC - IC Date: September 1, UC 0097 (2023)
- Summary: During testing with Unit-00, Kaworu tries once more to ease the halves of Rei's soul into a mutual accord.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
The experimental two-seater entry plug that's been put to use with pilots Shinji Ikari and Kaworu Nagisa via Unit-01 has seen solid success so far. This has been as anticipated; Kaworu has been able to co-synchronize with literally any pilot and any Evangelion he's paired with so far even without extra streamlining, from Zoia in Unit-Z2 to Asuka in Unit-02. In the case of Shinji and Kaworu, their close friendship means that Unit-01 has performed better, with less risk to the pilot.
But Unit-01, while certainly the most important to Commander Ikari, is not the only Evangelion that's important to his plan. There's Rei and Unit-00, too. And of all the Evangelions, Kaworu has spent the most time in Unit-00, both with and without her. There's no intent of changing who Kaworu is co-piloting for on official missions--but tests are different from that entirely.
So today, that two-seater enters Unit-00, Rei in front, Kaworu in back. The way the plug is set up, his seat is behind and above hers, the idea being that the co-pilot would be better able to see and support the main pilot this way. It's not especially important to Kaworu... but it is nice, all the same.
With Rei in her white plug suit, and Kaworu in his dark, he hums quietly, serenely, in the stillness of the LCL. The chatter of Ritsuko and the bridge crew as they announce and analyze data is only so much background noise in here.
His soul is open, like a pair of arms outstretched. In this same analogy, he waits for his offered hand to be accepted.
On the outside, the data sets are all green so far. But that's no surprise, really.
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
There could always be something that happens, forcing a strategic reorganization. After all, you never know.
Rei Ayanami settles into the seat. It is comfortable, somehow, to be here now; it is not just the presence of Kaworu though his gentle, soothing presence and the knowledge of it is a large portion of that calm. It is also the seat of the soul itself; Eva-00 had been, for a long time, something of a torment that Rei was bound to.
It is not easy now.
But it is easier.
Rei's eyes are half-closed as the test begins.
She speaks, even so. "It's good you were not away long."
I had come to miss you.
There is a strange roominess in the entry plug, though it helps, of course, that the Children tend not to be quite as large as many other pilots. It helps that the forward view is long and expansive, and so you can forget how close the ceiling and the floor might be. The fluid and the visual arrays make their impact, too.
She is there as well.
Rei, perhaps, does not notice her, but Kaworu can; it feels as if she's standing behind him, quite some ways away, as if he were in the center of a great white room and she was in a corner. A sense of arms folded.
There is... ease there, too, compared to before. The grace of Ultra Fusion is part of it. Another aspect, perhaps, is the guidance he has given, and perhaps may give again.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
You never know. At present, while he still has no personal Evangelion--though that won't be the case for much longer--Kaworu's strength as a pilot is his flexibility. It's only sensible to take full advantage of that.
Rei and Unit-00 have had a fraught history, and it still might not be easy, but there's a lot to be said about easier--especially if one is used to the higher difficulty setting.
"I missed you too," Kaworu replies, answering the words in Rei's heart rather than those on her lips... and at the same time, making a statement to the one behind him, standing in a metaphorical corner. He looks over his shoulder at her, his smile fond and inviting, but he doesn't bid her come closer. His arms remain open, his hand outstretched, in a silent invitation for her to accept when she's ready.
Metaphorically speaking, of course. His actual hands are on the secondary controls. Whatever Rei focuses on, Kaworu can follow and match without trouble. The Ultra Fusion is no problem for him, either.
It's smooth today. Like flowing down a languid river.
Kaworu continues to hum.
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
"Hm," Rei - says? - laughs - at Kaworu's response. She settles backwards.
She flows down the river as well. Synchronization levels increase, gradually, gradually. Increments, controlled, monitored. They see everything that happens in here. They see nothing of what happens in here.
The sensation of 'her' presence isn't exactly a thing of place, and so there is no interval of stepping across a wide space before she comes nearer to Kaworu. Not close enough to take that hand, but perhaps the feeling of five yards' distance; safe, but enough that you could speak without raising your voices, if it were not too loud.
And it is, in an objective sense, very quiet in the entry plug.
you're here again
with *that*
'That' still has a certain air of disgust, but now it seems more like disapproving of Rei's company; as if she were disreputable or somehow repellent. But the poison has thickened and dried, though it is not yet gone.
do you think *that* understands?
Rei does not hear this voice, although - did her head just turn the slightest bit. It was small enough that it might be a muscle twitch. She does have those on the left side, now and again. Very subtle, but Kaworu has seen it happen.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Everything and nothing... How like Lilim. It isn't their fault, though--and, over time, they are growing into something closer to what they are. Or rather, something beyond what they are. Kaworu is patient. He doesn't mind waiting to see how it will all turn out. He has no choice but to wait, so he may as well accept it.
"Yes," Kaworu murmurs in between his humming, which might be odd or startling to those outside listening. Rei herself turns her head a bit. She might not hear the other side of the conversation, but... there are more senses than hearing.
Does she understand, though?
"I don't think she doesn't understand," Kaworu replies, which is not a yes and not a no. But more importantly for the moment: "You seem less nettled this time."
Though 'less' is not 'not,' either. Nonetheless, it's cause for hope.
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
do you think so?
do you think so?
do you think so?
Rei's lips purse for a moment. She seems to set it aside.
The other presence - the third party present in this throne of the soul - speaks to Kaworu from the other "side" of Eva-00 now. If he looks through the window he might seem an echo of her, in her red dress, holding shyly onto the pylon of the Evangelion's shoulder, just beneath the restraint clamp.
it hurts a little less
the other one is gone, isn't he?
gridman
A jab? Curiosity? It's difficult to tell. But she knows the name... yet Gridman was never shy to speak aloud and clear, and 'she' already knew how to speak and to hear. It might be an interesting question whether or not she could read, but Gridman was perfectly intelligible.
the weapon struck him
the red one did more
Rei's head turns abruptly, now looking towards the right. She seems to be looking directly towards the girl in the red dress.
'Hm? Rei?' comes a voice from the intercom linkage. 'No, it's settling. Does your shoulder hurt?'
Rei's eyes turn away from that point, and she answers. Her voice is the same-as-always. "Some," she says.
it's funny, to see the others.
you like to spend time with him?
Quietly, Rei says, "Ikari?" It's not enough for the technicians to hear; it may have been more thought than word.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
"I do," Kaworu replies, voice particularly soft, even for his usual relaxed tone. It might sound to those observing from the outside as though he's murmuring to himself, or maybe even to the one visibly present with him (even if she doesn't openly respond), as long as one doesn't actually pay attention to what he says. "I take it you don't agree. I suppose you're in a better position to know, but at the same time, you are biased against her."
He smiles over at the image of her. It's fond, but his eyebrows tilt inwards and upwards, a pair of crescents that yearn for heaven. "Yes," he confirms simply. And then: "Yes," again, about the 'red one.'
Rei looks to one side. Kaworu gazes down at her as responds to the technicians. He's close enough to her that, if he leaned forward, he could touch her. For now, he does not. His hands remain on the controls, though he does no controlling.
And then, a third time: "Yes," he murmurs. To both Reis. And he could leave it at that, but-- "Funny in what way?" he wonders.
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
biased?
It's authentic confusion. The echo, the spectre, the portion of the soul; it does not understand the word. Innocence, even in this.
i suppose your tastes are different
i don't like to see her
She's looking towards Kaworu, even so.
Rei's eyes have turned towards that spot on the shoulder of Eva-00. She does not see something there, and yet her eyes are drawn to that spot. Kaworu can see the child on the shoulder look back at Rei, and for a moment, their eyes must have met.
The child disappears.
Not quite. Look upwards. She is laying face down atop something; she seems suspended, implausibly, as the Evangelion's software (and the neurological connections) present the shape of someone laying chest-down atop the domelike optical translucence atop Eva-00's head, and looking down.
Into the entry plug.
it's funny because they're empty
they sit in them and pull strings
like dolls. gridman was there, himself.
mobile suit. many other names.
mobile suit. the name they say.
wouldn't any suit be mobile?
Rei settles back, seeming to relax. Somewhat. Perhaps she's talking herself out of something. The introduction of deceit.
Breathe in... breathe out.
she's afraid i'll do it again
The girl sounds smug about it.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
"Yes. It means you treat your subjective opinion as objective fact, or that you give preferential treatment to what you like, or unpreferential treatment to what you dislike," Kaworu explains. "It's common among Lilim, but we're far from exempt from that kind of behavior, either." He knows full well that he has a bias towards Shinji, for example. It's not wrong to give more attention to that which you love. And it's not necessarily wrong to think ill of that which you hate, but--
Rei's eyes are drawn to Unit-00's shoulder. Kaworu gives her a little nod as I and II's eyes meet. "Just because you don't like seeing her, doesn't mean she is blind."
His own eyes rise as the image of her moves from shoulder to head. It's charming in its own way, though there are no doubt others who would find it unsettling.
"Yes. That's what is considered 'normal' among Lilim. They are machines, created to enact the will of man, and nothing more," he replies. "But not always."
Because the presence of a 'normal' means there is also an 'abnormal.'
He watches Rei for a moment in the seat before him. Then he looks up again. "Does it make you feel less powerless, that you are able to make someone else afraid?"
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
Kaworu uses words that the girl might not know.
But it seems that the concept is conveyed; the word, in its semiotic complexity, is given ballast and grounding.
And perhaps she is listening to Kaworu; because, after all, he did say 'we'.
if they have so many mobile suits, why did they have to make eva?
It's a rhetorical question. A plaintive one, too.
The girl's expression has always been gnomic, much like Rei's, when her face could be resolved at all. Now it isn't quite there.
...
it's lonely in here, you know
"Have you ever cooked a meal for many people?" says Rei, with a little bit of effort. Just the slightest bit as she pushes past the -- no; her head is tilting upwards. "I have... been thinking it might be pleasant."
she's looking for me, huh
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
She is like him, and she is not like him. But even so, they are more like each other than they are like the Lilim who observe so much and so little of what's happening in Unit-00.
Kaworu's eyes soften with sympathy at her rhetorical plea. It may not need an answer, but he gives one anyway:
"Because that is the Scenario to which we are bound."
It's lonely in here. "I know," he agrees quietly. "But you will not forever be lonely."
Does that mean that she will gain company in here? Or that she will leave this prison of steel and flesh? Kaworu doesn't specify, at least not for now.
Rei speaks, and he gazes at her. "For many people...? Yes," he says. "During last year's Deculture Festival. I took part in the curry-cooking competition after the temple was cleaned. I wasn't the only one cooking, but many people did partake." He pauses. "Is that the sort of thing you mean?"
Somehow, he senses she has something else in mind. When 'she' makes her observation, he crooks her a smile. "Yes," he concurs. To both.
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
'Because that is the scenario to which we are bound.'
i hate it
"Yes," Rei says, shyly. "I remember it now. It's been a while, hasn't it?"
"I do not really cook much beyond what I cook," Rei continues; thus far, this has been a cake, that one time (and a prototype cake), her unique and pretty darn good home made pizzas and some rotis, which were themselves something of a side-grade to the pizzas. Other than this, she has been able to prepare miso soup at various times.
"So I do not know what would be good to prepare."
why won't i be forever lonely?
unless it's killed, this thing will last forever.
not forever.
near enough.
why would she want to see me?
Rei's eyes are still turned upwards.
'Hm, the variation's increasing but it isn't leaving the boundaries...' 'Maybe they're harmonizing?' 'It's interesting. Maybe it's the conversation.' 'What are they talking about?' 'Dinner, I suppose.' 'I could get some curry later myself...'
Rei's head turns suddenly with a sharp intake of breath.
The girl disappears between the frames of a film.
Kaworu can sense exactly where she is; dangling from the end of the tip of Eva-00's 'chin'. One place, perhaps, where Rei can't see her at all from this seat. But of course, if she were in a physical place, she'd be almost directly ahead of them. Such is the treachery of the entry plug.
"... I don't want you to be hurt," Rei says, and the underlayer is pellucid clear, in this place. This closeness-of-the-being comes with self-destructive frenzy.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
i hate it, she says.
Kaworu's smile takes on a bittersweet quality. He gave the rhetorical an answer, but to that, he says nothing.
It's she--or this aspect of her--who has suffered the most. She has a right to hate it.
He isn't silent forever. She has more to say, and to that, he nods once. "Yes. Unless it's killed," he echoes back at her.
Commander Ikari wants to prolong this form's existence--but it is likely to be killed sooner or later. That, too, is part of the Scenario.
Why would she want to see her, though--?
"Why wouldn't she?" And then: "Would you like to find out?"
But that's not the only conversation he's carrying on. He smiles down at Rei fondly. "It has been. It would be nice to cook for a group again sometime. Let me think... There's such a thing as curry bread. If I make the curry, and you make the bread, we could combine them and serve them together. Perhaps as part of a school event, sometime."
But that's not what she wants to cook for, is it? He's done this before, but only as a school event--not as a private dinner. Then again, he has cooked for her and Mari before at their shared apartment. ...Well, he's cooked for Rei. Mari is of a similar condition to him when it comes to food. Then again, that doesn't mean they can't eat, and even Kaworu will partake from time to time, socially.
The pleasant conversation takes a turn, somewhat literally. Kaworu's smile dims, but doesn't go out entirely, as Rei speaks anew.
"I feel the same way about you. But you don't need to worry about me," he tells her gently. "She isn't interested in hurting me." He pauses. "She may be interested in hurting you. But I would rather she did not."
That's for the both of them, even as he addresses the one.
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
even i can't
uff
"Mm," Rei says. "It would be good... I feel that it might be difficult for what I am imagining. I don't want to describe it in too much detail..."
Why not?
Because the Commander might hear, of course. Such things, too, are easily discerned, here. And it is perhaps quite the thing that Rei is relaxed enough that such thoughts are transparent. What must it be like for Shinji and Kaworu, or if Shinji and the Second were to share such a test?
"..." Rei then says, breathing a little more heavily.
what would i even say to *that*
i learned from last time you know
i could pull out that plug and crush you both
This too is transparent: It's contrarianism. Being difficult for the sake of difficulty. Protesting... because she doesn't have anything good to say in response.
Rei takes a hand from the control and rubs at the side of her neck, on the left side. "... they'll overhear," Rei says, making it explicit.
"Does she hurt, too?"
...
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Kaworu watches the little one on the chin for a time longer. But as she chooses not to complete her thought, he leaves that thought be. Instead, he looks to his physical companion.
"I see," he says. "Perhaps you could confer with a cookbook and peruse recipes for ideas, then?" If it's not something that can be discussed too openly, then the discretion of books will surely do. There's no lack of them back at the house, and if even those aren't right, there's always the local library.
They'll overhear. And the noise of Lilim, both emitted and received, is good. But sometimes, silence is welcome.
She rubs at her neck, on the left. As if to mirror her, Kaworu raises a hand to the side of his head. Neither of them are wounded, physically. Neither of them are wounded, but--
"You could," Kaworu agrees affably. "Will you?"
And then, to the other:
"Always."
...It's not a pleasant always. But it is true nonetheless.
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
Rei does not think much of cookbooks. Quite literally: her recipes, such as they are, were printed out from the internet, and Kaworu has surely seen the twelve or so battered, stained sheets she has printed out from school and put into a folder for later reference.
But books, of course, tell no tales.
Some other people do.
no
That was quick, and maybe indignant.
but i could
does it scare you?
it scares her
'Her'.
"I see," Rei says.
Silence for long moments. Rei rubs, not her neck, but runs a hand along her forearm; letting the controls loose entirely.
"... Then, I'll be more careful, when I pilot the Eva," Rei concludes, eyes turning down. For however much fear, and dread, there might be, there is no desire to hurt.
...
i wish it didn't hurt
all of it does
everywhere
sometimes i forget but not now
"It's been difficult," Rei says, aloud.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
They tell no tales, and they are quite plentiful. Sometimes, you need to rely on that which you do not like in order to succeed. The Lilim know and teach that lesson very well.
But they are not Lilim. So if Rei doesn't choose that option, Kaworu understands.
The quick, maybe-indignant response brings a faint chuckle from Kaworu's smiling lips. "No," he replies, and he is always sincere, but there is sincere and there is Sincere. There are a variety of reasons for this, but the one he chooses to share is: "There is no need to fear a thing someone could do, but will not."
Especially since: Her.
Kaworu is quite happy to hear it. He hides nothing of this, either.
And when Rei looses the controls, Kaworu too releases them, leaning back in his throne and folding his hands and legs. Will she appreciate more care when being piloted? He doesn't know that it will make much difference. The pain of the Eva is the pain of the pilot. But it's very much like Rei to be more concerned with another's pain than her own.
"It is difficult," he agrees with both Reis. "You should be kinder to your self." (As opposed to yourself.) "Pain is easier to bear that way."