2022-05-23: As Many Final Goodbyes We Have
- Log: 2022-05-24 As Many Final Goodbyes As We Have
- Cast: Sayla Mass, Nidaime
- Where: Spain
- OOC - IC Date: May 24, 0096 (2022)
- Summary: The Second asks Sayla about boys and gives her own advice about relationships in turn.
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
It's a warm afternoon in Spain, and Sayla is conducting an online meeting on the patio. She has a tall glass of something iced- but non alcoholic at least. No drinking during foundation work. She has a pile of folders next to her (just get a tablet, Sayla!!) and looks over them.
"...alright, thank you for that, Tahvo. Please keep seeing if you ca make any inroads with AEUG. I know we don't have the friends we did, but they and Partiya Zaftra might be open to work on the colonies they can take some credit for without doing. We just need to try and keep the NIA's eyes off you for the moment." She picks up another folder, "To that end, I think we should consider Princess Euphemia's proposal to-"
There's a beep from her watch. Hm. Next time, then. "I'm sorry I'm going to have to leave the rest of this one to Issariana, I have someone arriving shortly. Kevin, minutes on my desk by lunch tomorrow? Thank you."
She sighs, closing her laptop. How is there always more work? Her phone buzzes, and she tracks to the message. It's Val.
>>Say hi to Nidaime for me! Get her out to one of the colonies soon, okay? She still wants to see me macronize, right?
Sayla can't help but smirk. Her Meltrandi director of events- and long time friend, now- was probably trying to just get her to relax. Nidaime would be here soon enough, but she had to wonder what was so important that she'd want Sayla prepared.
<Pose Tracker> Nidaime has posed.
Nidaime totally wants to see Val macronize. She hasn't really met any Meltrandi yet. There's a lot of people she hasn't really met.
Carrying her bag of coins over her shoulder like a turtle shell, Nidaime appears in the distance--slowly slooowly making her way over. She's back to wearing her green hoodie and due to that party happening relatively recently, she still smells mostly okay. The breath never changes though. Not even today.
She waves a hand once she gets into view but isn't running over which is also strange. She usually has tons of energy. "Saylaaaaa!" She shouts, that--at least--is with her customary energy so it can't be that she's depressed, but she isn't rushing into chatting range either.
"EHeheh.... Did you like that I made an appointment this time?" She beams.
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
Sayla stands up and waves, walking forward towards Nidaime with a smile. She seems to have bounced back a bit. Still, Sayla leans down to help her carry the coins when she's close enough, and then hug her once she's settled. "Hi Nidaime." Honestly the girl can be a font of cheer, when she's doing well. And Sayla's starting to get past her guilt.
"I did. It meant I could get a few things ready." She stands up to sit at her own point on the table, and quickly taps on the phone. "But you're always welcome here, whether you call or not."
A few moments later, a man walks out with a pitcher of water, a pitcher of apple juice, a bowl of ice with tongs and... popsicles. "<Here you go, Dr Mass.>" He says, in Spanish.
"<Thank you, Arnaud. We should be fine for the afternoon.>" Sayla responds. The man gives a nod to Sayla, to Nidaime, and walks back towards the inside of the villa. "So, what did you want to want to talk about?" There are so many potential topics, she's not sure what's what.
<Pose Tracker> Nidaime has posed.
"You have so many friends." Nidaime says, spreading her arms wide and returning the hug with that big unrestrained smile that she still, despite everything, has. It's the partings that are hard, the comings are always a pleasure.
"Hello Arnaud!" Nidaime says to him, waving her arm and rushing over to give HIM a hug too because this is the kind of person she is. Though she doesn't keep him long.
"I met a boy!" She tells Sayla. "Actually I met a boy a while ago. But I wasn't sure what to do so..."
She shuffles her feet awkwardly. "I'm sorry for not saying anything until now but um... can I talk to you about it now?"
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
Arnaud's a friendly enough guy. He'll return the hug, and give a wave before getting back to work. He's still an employee, ultimately. Sayla, meanwhile, takes a sip of water as Nidaime says she met a boy, and it catches in her throat for a second and her eyes widen. She coughs to clear her throat.
"...A boy, hm?" Oh gods is she going to have to have the talk here? Do Kaiju have the talk? Unison... Anosillus... How could you leave this to her?
"You don't have to apologize, Nidaime. This is something personal for you." She smiles. "So, tell me about this boy,"
<Pose Tracker> Nidaime has posed.
Children sometimes can't tell the difference. There's more love in Nidaime than she can handle.
"Ooh popsciles...!" Nidaime ....
Doesn't take a popscile because Sayla hasn't said it's okay yet. She kind of sits herself down onto her hands. She keeps looking between Sayla and the popsicles with increasing intensity. The tension is so thick you could cut it with a Grid Light Saber.
"Well," Nidaime says. "He is quiet and shy and he frowns a lot--and he's a little taller than me, maybe one head taller? She kicks her legs back and forth. "He protected me like a ... knight in shining armor...!"
Her eyes sparkle. She swings her legs back against and crosses them around the ankles.
"Has white hair, red eyes... And his name is Anti...! He's a kaiju like me. Eheheheh...."
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
Sayla smiles. "They're for you, go ahead." She didn't think Nidaime would need explicit permission. But the popsicle will give Sayla time to consider exactly what Nidaime's just told her. That's... It depends a lot on... How things go with Akane.
"I've met him. He's from Tsutsujidai, right?" What is she going to say here? What can she ask. "Is he a kaiju of the heart, like you?"
Her mind is racing. Is Nidaime going to get herself hurt? If he thinks she's a distraction. If he wants her 'seen to'. "Well, what else do you know about him?"
<Pose Tracker> Nidaime has posed.
Nidaime is trying to be a VERY GOOD GIRL because she's worried Sayla's gonna be upset. It isn't logical or anything but she has seen a TV show before so she gets ideas about things.
She fishes into the popsicle bin and draws out a watermelon flavored one--she also so happens to offer Sayla a pineapple flavored one. Nidaime actually likes all three of htese flavors but watermelon is her favorite faovrite.
"He is...!" Nidaime says. "And he is like me. I haven't met anybody like me before. It was super duper exciting..."
"He's got... a kind heart." Nidaime says, perhaps surprisingly. "He likes music too--"
She shoves the popsicle in her mouth and starts speaking with her mouth full.
"Hfffh tld meh soh."
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
And now Sayla is strongarmed into a popsicle, by the face that Nidaime is being very sweet. Hard to fight that. She unwraps it, and takes a small bite while thinking. (Her teeth aren't sensitive at all.) This would be easier to talk about if it didn't mean betraying a trust.
But it's hard to say Nidaime isn't lonely. She's only ever been around humans, and some Zentradi. Someone like her, a humanoid Kaiju, is a lot. But they eem to know so little about ach other, but Anti seemed to know... so little.
"So, how do you feel about him? Do you know yet?"
<Pose Tracker> Nidaime has posed.
NIdaime too worries about breaking trust. Otherwise she'd probably have said like twice more about Anti than she already has. Other people's secrets are important.
Nidaime hesitates when Sayla asks her how she feels about him. She rolls her fingers together, popsicle still in her mouth that prevents her from being audible.
She pulls it out eventually and says, "Sorry Auntie."
She thinks for a moment. She looks like a middleschooler but some things she has to be reminded of if she were younger. In other ways, she feels older.
"Hm...how I feel about Anti..."
Does she know yet? She taps the popsicle against her lower lip. "What I want us to be..."
Tap tap. tap tap.
She lowers the popsicle and instead of answering asks another question, "You've met him, right? What do you think about him?" Not answering yet??? "When you think of us what relationship do you imagine?"
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
And then Nidaime turns the questioning on her. "...That's tricky to say. I think he's a long way from knowing as much as you do now. And there's a lot he has to work out, about the world and himself." She pauses. "And I think he's hurting, because of that."
The second question, however. What she thinks of us. "I see two young people who aren't ready for a relationship yet, and need some time to grow first." She shakes her head. "The shape of a relationship is something that only the people in it can determine. There are good ones and bad ones, and even the good ones end sometime. Long or short." This is maybe, more than Nidaime wants to here. "You've told me a little about him, but you haven't told me how you think he feels about you. Maybe it's different for Kaiju and Humans but... I think there are things you need to find out about yourself too."
Sayla looks ruefully at her popsicle. "...Did I ever tell you about Amuro and me, Nidaime?" She's going to regret this.
<Pose Tracker> Nidaime has posed.
NIdaime brightens, "So we seem like a relationship could happen...? Oh I wonder what kind of relationship it would be!" She presses a hand to cheek as if she has already fallen for the other kaiju. This might be one of those things where Sayla might have to get used to kaiju weirdness.
But that isn't exactly arguing with Sayla's read either.
"I think you're right. He has a lot to learn about, but so do I even if I'm older, eheheh--but he's a real fast learner... I'm sure he'll catch up in no time... If he's given the chance to learn."
"...And I guess...I was worried he wouldn't be given that chance. Kaiju...they sort of...explode a lot."
She looks down at her feet, twisting the popsicle around from side to side. She's still thinking about Sayla's question even if she turned it around on Sayla for a minute there.
"You didn't! You didn't tell me about you and Amuro!" Nidaime says, distracted from her thoughts by storytime.
Nidaime loves storytime.
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
Sayla sighs. That wasn't entirely the lesson she was hoping to impart but... Nidaime makes it much more real. "...That's a reasonable worry." She says, slowly. "...I had to worry about that with my friends, too but... It's not quite the same, is it?"
Sayla takes another bite of her popsicle. Stalling, mostly. Perparing herself. "...It's not a story with a happy ending, Nidaime." She takes a breath. "I told you about the war, right? The One Year War? That's when I met Amuro. We fought together. He was the pilot of the first ever Gundam. I was a communications officer, then I piloted the core booster to support him." How much can she skip over. "As the war went on, we grew closer. He saved my life several times. I saved his a few too. At the end of the war, we were taken back to Earth."
She sighs. "At which point the Federation insisted we all return to the military, or stay on Earth. Amuro ended up having to do both. And I wanted to be with him, and he wanted to be with me so it made sense to move straight to living with each other, since I need to find a medical school that would take my credits, and he had a job as a pilot instructor. But for all that, we'd known each other for less than three months. For a year, it was... good." She's struggling a bit, and pauses to breathe. "And then, we started to notice the cracks that were there all along. ...Or maybe I did."
<Pose Tracker> Nidaime has posed.
Nidaime doesn't usually talk much about how she feels kaiju are treated. That she even is speaking of it at all to Sayla speaks volumes for her trust in the doctor.
"The pain people inflict upon each other in wartime. It's a heavy weight, isn't it?" Nidaime asks. She feels a little bad about enjoying a popsicle when Sayla speaks of a tragic first love. "It can make cracks larger. Weight does that."
She taps her feet up and down one after the other, looking down at them.
"Sometimes I think humans build up this idea of what a relationship is supposed to be too, so they get sad when the kind of relationship they were thought they were supposed to have, what they thought they wanted--isn't what is actually right for them."
"I've been wondering a lot too, what I feel about Anti. I know I like him, but 'like' can be a lot of different things. Chibi has a lady he likes that watches over his health, Chibi he likes who is his boss boss, another who looks after his Trace Suit..."
She trails off because she's having trouble remembering all the boss ladies in Chibodee's life.
"I think I know how I feel, Auntie Sayla."
"I feel that Anti and I... should define what it means to be us together."
It's an unusual answer, Nidaime imagines, but she feels Sayla can understand the depths of it. It's an answer with many levels to it.
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
Every so often, Nidaime reminds Sayla that how Nidaime appears and the life she has experienced are different things. And the way Kaiju learn is different from humans. "That's... You're right. It is. And we do." Sayla has a melancholy smile. "I think we did that. But also... maybe we'd just been through too much." She pauses again, thankfully derailed from the rest of story time.
"...Like can be different things, and so can love, and love and like are different again. With Chibodee, well. Chibodee, Cath, Bunny, Shirley and Janet, they all love each other. It's kind of complicated, but it's still love." She drops silent again, as Nidaime talks. The smile remains melancholy, but there's a bit more hope there.
"...I think that's the best answer. But remember that 'us' can change 'you' and 'you' can change 'us'. And they can both change on their own. And sometimes 'us' isn't, and that's okay too." Sayla pauses. "I... hope that makes sense."
<Pose Tracker> Nidaime has posed.
Despite saying it as if there was some finality to that answer, Nidaime isn't done. It's like that now that Sayla has asked her, she can envision it in her mind like a dream. Because it is Sayla that asked her.
She pulls her bag into her lap and fishes into it, eventually pulling out a hot pink baton. She holds it on her lap and stares at it. Sayla knows this is an item that Unison left with her. It doesn't seem to do anything in particular. Maybe just a memento?
"Most kaiju..." She explains. "They---We don't get to choose, even kaiju of the heart don't get to choose. But mama and... Anti's creator. They gave us the ability to think like humans do. It's not quite the same I guess, eheheheh... But the part of thinking like humans they gave us include the part where we can choose to do something on our own outside of our initial purpose. We don't have to choose differently, but we can. I've done what mama and papa wanted for me because they wanted me to do good things. Because they wanted me to do good things, I got to meet you and Chibi Doctor Kabooto," She puts extra emphasis on the 'boot'. "I stepped outside my world and saw a sunset, even though I shouldn't have left."
She exhales. softly. "I've been...preparing my heart and...Will you be okay when I'm gone, Auntie? If you say you won't be okay..."
She trails off. She's finding herself to be in a mess.
She bunches up her hands against her shorts.
"We can define ourselves and change it however many times we want. I hope that we can be an 'us'. Even if 'us' drifts away, it'll still be us because he'll be--"
She points to her head. "Here." She points to her heart. "Here. Even if we never see each other again, the Anti that listened to music with me is there."
"But." She says. "I do wanna see him again."
And maybe that's what she needed, to feel like she could be allowed to see Anti again. "I want to so even if it's dangerous, I'm going to."
"And I think--you showed me Auntie Sayla, that the room in those places--in the heart and head--there's no occupancy limit, hee~... You've still got plenty of room and you've put so many people in there...! I'm always meeting a new friend of yours, and I always see you finding new people to care about."
She beams. "That's why I love you. You always keep it open. Even after everything... That's really incredible."
"I mean..." She looks down to her hands, a bit bashfully. "I think it's hard being human but you haven't given up on being human. Even though being human can be lonely... It's the same for me, you know. It can be really lonely, but I'm going to keep trying to be me. Like you do."
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
The more Nidaime speaks, the more grown up she sounds. The more grown up before her time. The more... The more...
And then Nidaime says something that breaks her heart. The remains of her popsicle drop the ground as she tries to process it. Process what Nidaime's saying. It's too much. It's just too much. Wordlessly, she stands up, and walks to Nidaime. She's shaky. She's incredibly shaky. When she pulls Nidaime into the tightest hug she can, it's not just for the kaiju girl. Tears that streak down her face, onto Nidaime's jacket. They're not dignified tears. They're heaving sobs. "Don't say that." Sayla manages to force out. "Please don't say that. Why would... Why would you think I'd be okay?" She's squeezing Nidaime so tight, suddenly afraid she'll disappear again.
"It hurt when you disappeared the first time. I know it hurt you too. But... You can't talk about being gone this soon after finally coming back. It's not..." It's not fair, Sayla wants to say, but she can't. Of course it's not fair. The world isn't fair. She's used to that. But Nidaime's too young, she shouldn't have to handle this. She shouldn't be thinking about disappearing, or dying, or...
But that's not really what's at the heart of this.
"I can't... keep losing people. I can't keep saying final goodbyes that go unheard. I can't."
<Pose Tracker> Nidaime has posed.
NIdaime had thought that Sayla would be mad. She always thought Sayla would be mad. And sad. And whatever reasons she thought that might come about, it ultimately came to this, didn't it? She's of one world Sayla's of another and how long does she have left? It depends on Yuta, it's now out of her hands--isn't it? She did what she could. It's all up to him now. It could be at any moment. He already has the power. Dreams are meant to be woken up from, right?
Akane told her not regret her decision. THat she could've just stayed out there in this world. It's true. She could have. But--
--If she made that decision, Akane would still be hurting the repli-compoids.
And Akane would still be hurting from a wound that could never be wholly cured in a cognitive realm.
So this is what Nidaime was afraid of. She lowers her head into Sayla's chest without saying anything for a while.
It's not fair.
"I know." She says, even if Sayla hasn't finished the thought.
"I know." Sayla can't keep losing people. "I know..." Final goodbyes that aren't heard.
"I know that this world...has always been unfair in my favor."
Because a God however twisted gave her the chance to fix her mistake.
"I messed up and didn't say goodbye last time." Nidaime says. "I didn't say how I felt, I didn't know how, I'm sorry."
Because she got to be given a surfeit of love in a world that seems to have so little to spare.
"And I don't know how long I have." Nidaime says as a bone to throw. "It probably won't be today or tommorow but it might be a month or a year I don't know. But I found Gridman, you helped me find him."
She smiles. "I was able to give Gridman what I needed to give him thanks to you. He really was in trouble but thanks to you I could repay my family debt a little."
Only a little, because the dream was that strong even for Gridman himself There were a lot of nice things about that dream, even with its twisted god it was practically a paradise relative to the outside world. A capricious deity might very well be preferable to a chaotic world that is just so...random and so many are far apart from one another.
"And it might not be forever. So long as humans summon kaiju of the heart--I'll always have a reason to come back I just don't know how long it will be so I wanted to--this time I wanted to give you and me the warning so that we can prepare our hearts this time. I don't want it to be...sudden again."
"I got you a gift." Nidaime says. "It's not ready yet but I'm gonna give it to you before I go back, okay? I think you'll like it."
But in the meantime--Nidaime pulls both earbuds out of her ears (it's better with both in) and she places them into Sayla's ears.
BGM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ywZqBGHDTlA&ab_channel=TheBeatles-Topic
Life is the act of losing people.
"I'll be here today. I'll be here for a while, probably. I promise I'll hear everything you want to say." Nidaime says. "As many final goodbyes as we have for each other."
Because any goodbye can be the final one.
"Thank you for everything. You're the best family I could ask for."