2024-05-17: Baka Dakara
- Log: 2024-05-17 Baka Dakara （バカだから）
- Cast: Shinji Ikari, Asuka Shikinami Langley
- Where: Tokyo-3, Japan
- OOC - IC Date: May 17, UC 0099 (2024)
- Summary: -Because You're Stupid-. After working up the courage to do so and with Kaworu's help, Shinji returns to Tokyo-3 to talk to Asuka. It doesn't go well.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Recently, Shinji received an invitation from Misato, his former guardian, to come back to Tokyo-3 for a party--to welcome Asuka back to the land of the living. He'd nearly had a breakdown stressing over it, and so Eight, who'd also been invited, offered to go for him and let him know how it went.
Well, she did go. And she came back, and she told Shinji how it went. In a word: poorly. Asuka had seemed friendly at first, but then Guy had shown up and she got violent... Even so, Guy had said he wouldn't give up on her. That's just what a hero's like, Shinji guesses. It's not something he could do. He didn't save Asuka. And because of that, Guy couldn't save her either.
But it did give him something to think about. He's been thinking about that day a lot ever since he left Tokyo-3 and joined the Ra Mari II. It's been a year and a half now. There's been plenty of time.
If Asuka hates him now... if she wanted to punch him, too... she ought to get that chance. It's the least he can do to apologize.
...even if--no, especially because he really, really doesn't want to.
So he asked Kaworu to help him out. Kaworu wasn't enthusiastic about it, but he agreed. (Kaworu's such a good friend. He's always helping him out, no matter what.) Asuka ended up agreeing to meet with him. Tokyo-3 Municipal High School is a good, neutral place to meet--neither of them attend school anymore, but they both look school-age--and so they agree on a spot nearby it.
And so Shinji has returned to Tokyo-3... It's a distinctly uncomfortable feeling, riding the train there. (Riding the train at all, really.) He clutches his blue Haro, Bud, tightly all during the trip, and Kaworu sits with him in silence. They get off at the station together, watch to the meeting place together...
"Um. I think I should talk to Asuka alone," he says just outside. "She deserves that much. Sorry, Kaworu-kun..."
But Kaworu only smiled at him gently. "I'll be nearby if you need me," he replies, and walks off towards the school grounds, hands tucked in his pockets.
Shinji watches him go, dread lumping in his stomach, fighting the urge to call him back, to call it all off. He takes a deep breath and clutches Bud closer instead, then leans on the nearest wall as he waits.
Asuka will recognize him. He's barely grown since back then. None of them had grown much since middle school, really, and all this happened when they were in high school. Even now, he looks... well. Like he did when they went camping in the mountains. A cap, a black-and-white hoodie, a white T-shirt, jeans, sneakers... and, tellingly, not his SDAT player.
That's on Kaworu, after all. And as he walks away, he tucks its earbuds into his ears and listens. But that has nothing to do with Shinji and Asuka.
(Nothing, and also everything.)
<Pose Tracker> Asuka Shikinami Langley has posed.
ehehehehehe
ehehehehehe
ehehehehehe
Pretending to be someone you're not
Asuka leans against the wall of a school building, one leg propped up against it so the foot bears some of her weight, eyes closed, every so often there's a subtle twitch on the surface of her blindfold.
"What am I even doing here?"
She murmurs to herself, remembering what she told Kaworu once on... why. Why she liked to play at being a normal girl.
She's been here for hours, against the buzz of laughter that goes deeper than hearing, it's not so bad that she can't push back, but it's definitely uncomfortable.
More uncomfortable than wearing her military jacket in this heat, she could barely feel it.
She's run it over in her head a thousand times, and she can't decide if she's furious with him, or sympathetic to him, or both.
He left... over her. He stood up to his father? Shouldn't she give him credit for that? Shouldn't she be proud of him?
But... he also didn't come back for her. He came back through a mediator, through Kaworu.
"He's scared of me." She whispers to herself through closed eyes, "And that's... fair. He should be scared."
It would be kinder not to put him through this, wouldn't it? It would be kinder to not force him to make any decisions.
It would be kinder to her to not make any decisions.
The sounds of the schoolday are gone now, and as she hears footsteps approaching, she waits - then longer, before opening her eyes and looking around the corner.
Her expression softens immediately, looking torn at his gangly frame, he hardly looks any different from when she last saw him, even through the crimson filter, save for the lack of his SDAT player.
For a brief moment... she entertains taking it off.
Just to see him.
But then she brings herself back around the corner. "Last chance to walk away." She whispers to herself.
She promised though. She promised Mari. Way back... that she'd...
Rounding the corner, she approaches, and he probably doesn't hear her until she purposefully steps on a twig.
*Snap*
When he does turn, he'll see her standing not far away, maybe six meters - in that same plug suit, with that military jacket on, hands casually in her pockets.
The strange asymmetrical blindfold she wears still shedding that eldritch crimson glow, her hair still patchy, like someone's little sister had cut her hair and done a a bad job besides.
But more prominently, besides those details - she hasn't changed at all. She hasn't grown a single centimeter, her figure hasn't filled out. She's still that same slim middle schooler he knew two years ago in almost every way.
"Yo, Baka Shinji. Long time."
She still can't decide if she's furious or - touched... she'll figure it out. She has to.
She's not even looking his way now, more - past him, like she's not sure if her expression will break if she looks at him again.
"Heard you raised a fuss after the Oh-Three Test went sideways." There's an irreverent downplay to how she describes it, "Enjoy yourself on your holiday?"
It's been two years, but to her - it might as well have been a holiday. It doesn't really feel like... he's been gone for long, despite her prior words to the contrary.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Asuka isn't wrong. Shinji is definitely scared of her. He's always been scared of her on some level, even when he was dating her. But for a while, that fear was something he could put on the backburner. He's scared of her, but he also admires her, cares about her. Cares for her. If anything, he's always felt like he wasn't good enough for her. When she agreed to date him, he was constantly prepared for things going wrong. It took so long for him to start feeling comfortable being her boyfriend. Now...
Now, he doesn't know where he stands with her. But he's certain that after today, they won't be dating anymore.
...He hopes he's wrong, though. Maybe it's that hope that's part of why he decided to do this after all. It'd be so easy to just stay away, after all. He wouldn't even have to run. He ran over a year ago.
He waits where he is. He of course has no idea that Asuka's already nearby and has been for hours. Does Kaworu know? Probably, but Shinji isn't in a position to even suspect he knows. He simply waits, fretting to himself. Until--
*snap*
Shinji flinches and whirls around, rigid, clutching his Haro tight. Seeing Asuka for the first time in a year in a half doesn't make things better.
"Asuka..." he whispers, eyes wide under the brim of his cap.
She looks exactly the same, and at the same time, so different. Eight had made it sound like her remaining injuries weren't so bad. Shinji understands now that she'd been downplaying it, probably to spare his feelings. That weird glowing blindfold covers a lot of her head, and her hair, which she'd been so proud of, is a mess. He finds himself staring. It's hard not to stare, especially since it looks like she can't see him staring.
But then she greets him, and she's so casual about it, like she'd just been away for a weekend for a trip, that he has to laugh. It's not funny, though, so it sounds more like a choked cough than anything else. She keeps it up, too--he 'raised a fuss,' he went on a 'holiday.' Even that disbelieving laughter dies as he lowers his eyes.
It... really is weird. He knows he hasn't grown any--it's something he's been self-conscious about for a while--but Asuka too... and Kaworu, really, though it's harder to notice with him since he's always looked so mature in Shinji's eyes. Shinji's always figured he was a late bloomer. Asuka... Is it because she was so badly injured for so long?
He doesn't know.
But she did ask him a question, and he shakes his head slowly to focus. It doubles as an answer, too. "Not really," he murmurs. "But it's been better than staying here." He pauses, eyes tracking cautiously back up to her. "...What did you hear?"
<Pose Tracker> Asuka Shikinami Langley has posed.
Once upon a time she thought one day - she'd like to be a person where, he wasn't afraid of her anymore.
But now she knows, she shouldn't be. Fear? That's a survival instinct, when you're dealing with things like her.
He laughs, and her eyes dart his way beneath the blindfold, before forcing herself to look straight-ahead, hands scrunching down in her pockets as if it's almost a protective reflex of it's own.
Like she's closing in on herself.
Like she's the one that's scared or perhaps even angry, but she relaxes subtly after a moment. It's not what she thought.
"Better than here... huh?"
Asuka parses that comment out loud, finding her anger flare some at that. Something throbs in her head, but she eases off.
"Mostly that you stomped down upon HQ with Oh-One, while yelling at the Commander. ... Then left NERV, the Ra Mari took you in."
She takes a breath, position shifting, "Not sure whether I should be impressed or not. After all I didn't see it."
It's not like she doesn't believe it COULD happen - after all, she knows that Shinji has a lot of anger, it's just hard to imagine that breaking point.
"If it really did happen- can't help but wonder, what was going through your head?"
Perhaps - she needs to know, she needs to know because he tried to save her. Because he left, was it really for her?
But in the end, it's keeping a promise to Mari.
A real conversation, even if years delayed.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
It's a choked cough of a laugh, but still Shinji makes that noise, and Asuka stares at him from under her blindfold while scrunching in on herself. Seeing this, Shinji gets the eerie feeling that she can see him just fine, blindfold or no blindfold. He coughs into a fist, clutching Bud still with his other arm. It's not like he's laughing at her, but...
He shakes his head again. That's hardly the worst of his sins.
She echoes what he says, then tells him the highlights. He frowns gloomily as he lowers his other arm to curl around his Haro anew. "...Yeah, that happened. They tried to talk me down--" 'they' being the bridge crew, "--but I didn't care. I was prepared to tear the whole place apart. ...But they did something and knocked me out." He smiles a bitter, ironic smile as he averts his eyes. "It was pretty pathetic."
So to answer her question without answering it: no, she shouldn't be impressed. He didn't accomplish a damn thing, after all.
What was going through his head, though? He hesitates, looking back at her. It's... hard to answer that question, because it's been so long and he's tried so hard to distance himself from that day. It would be dishonest to say he hasn't thought about it, though. He's been constantly thinking about it, after all.
"My father... Commander Ikari ordered me to kill you. He said you were replaceable." That anger re-kindles in him, and it burns like an ember thought dead in his eyes, in both his hands, in his blood and breath. "I wouldn't do it. I tried to save you. ...but I wasn't good enough. And because of that, I messed Guy-san up and kept him from saving you either. So Commander Ikari activated something called the Dummy System. It took over Unit-01 and made it--tear Unit-03 apart with its--my--own hands." He takes a deep breath; lets it out slowly, shakily. "I couldn't see what was happening, but I could hear it. ...I thought for sure I'd killed you. That he made me kill you."
His fingertips dig into the cool surface of his Haro. He hunches over, that remembered fury hissing out his throat. "I was devastated... and furious. There's no way I could ever forgive him. So I wanted to hurt him--make him hurt as much as I was hurting. I guess... I was trying to avenge you."
His shoulders sag, though the tension doesn't fully leave them, and he looks away. "...But I screwed that up, too."
The tension remains for good reason. He's pretty sure, after hearing all that, she'll want to beat him up, or at least yell at him for his failures. He doubts she'd have any reason to hold back, either.
But it's fine. He deserves it. She deserves it. He holds his breath and braces himself for whatever blows and/or screams follow.
<Pose Tracker> Asuka Shikinami Langley has posed.
Asuka looks at Bud out of her periphery, finding herself somewhat surprised. Maybe it's from Ruri? She's not certain, but fortunately he can't tell where her eyes are right?
Not really. He'd have to be paying very close attention.
He explains, on it happening, they tried to talk him down... but then they did something and knocked him out.
"Heh. Sounds like it." She agrees with him on that, but still it's actually impressive to her. After all, she never even did that much.
Oh sure, she's violent and insubordinate, but she's never actually stood up to NERV command.
Not even once. Not really.
"Still, can't believe you had it in you."
When he describes what the Commander said, Asuka goes still, and part of her wonders again why she's still here. Almost certainly the Angel. She became a curiosity - to NERV, to whatever allows Kaworu to exist within NERV.
Yet rather than folding in on herself, she listens - and keeps listening. It's not the easiest thing to hear. Because...
Shinji might notice the point her neck actually turns and she looks right at him, because his anger is boiling up.
It's a palpable thing, like it touches her.
More than just within his words, and she seems taken aback by it, affected by it, her hand clinching within her pocket.
"You- that's why?" It is touching to her, that he tried to avenge her, but why does she feel so much angrier in this moment, that surge - that spike from him, that ember to kindling - to fuel - to gasoline, and she has so MUCH of that ready to catch flame?
There's a sudden shift in her tone.
"-Evangelion Oh-Three was taken over by an Angel. You get what that means right?"
She abruptly walks right up to him, and while the blindfold is in the way, he might get the impression she's looking him dead in the eye.
"That it was me or humanity? And you chose ME?"
A hand moves out of her pocket, grasping at his collar, but all she does is force him to back up - towards the side of the high school building, "BAKA!" -where she yells with barely tamped down fury, her jaw tensed, her fingers entwining over his shirt.
"I AM replaceable!"
It may be a surreal moment, for Shinji Ikari - to hear the girl with that much confidence in her skills, that much bravado, that once had so much belief that she could and SHOULD do it alone.
Yell that into his face.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
It isn't from Ruri--but Asuka doesn't ask, and Shinji doesn't notice her looking. It never even occurs to him that she might be curious about Bud, even with that creeping feeling that she can see more than she seems. That's a sensation he's already attributing to paranoia than to factual reality.
At first, she doesn't seem that angry. She even sounds casual about it--just as casual as her greeting. Cautiously, Shinji--doesn't quite relax, but isn't quite so on guard as he blinks over at her. But he keeps talking, and his anger builds, and--
Asuka's never been an empathetic person. That's something Shinji came to accept about her over time. That's why he doesn't assume she's mirroring his anger back at him; he instead assumes that she's starting to get rightfully angry after all. He flinches when she marches over to him and grabs him, forces him to literally back into a wall--but while she does hint at it at first, he absolutely doesn't expect the thing she actually does yell at him.
He stares at her, bewildered. "Wha--" is all he manages to get out at first. It is a surreal moment. He thought she might yell at him for failing to save her; then, just now, he thought she might yell at him for endangering the whole world for her. Both of them are very Asuka-like sentiments in his opinion, even if they're contradictory. He never imagined she'd tell him his father was right all along.
"H-how can you say that?!" he protests, getting a little heated. "Just because you used to be a soldier doesn't mean you're replaceable! Everyone missed you so much! I missed you so much! Even if there's other Eva pilots, there's only one Asuka!"
It's weird.
Rei said something like that to him once, too.
Why would she and Asuka say something like that, when they couldn't be more unalike?
<Pose Tracker> Asuka Shikinami Langley has posed.
It does feel volatile - and contradictory? What did she think saving her entailed? What did she think standing up to the Commander meant?
... And yet, her purpose has always been to destroy Angels for humanity. It is her duty, as one of the 'elite' to protect the ignorant masses.
She cannot divorce that purpose from Shinji's actions. In a situation where it's her or the Angel - only one protects humanity.
Shinji protests, heated, and she tenses as he says there's only one (512) Asuka (02-0278), further balling up her fingers around his collar. "SHUT-!" She rasps, and there's the blur of a fist.
"-UP!"
In that next moment, Shinji may believe he's about to see stars, as Asuka decks him, but instead he merely feels the thud of an impact, a dusting of his cheek.
And if he dares to look...
... Asuka's plugsuit encased knuckles dug into the wall, which is now more than visibly indented at the point of impact.
That's solid reinforced concrete.
It's an absurd position, even with it's obviously threatening atmosphere, it's almost like she just slammed the wall - like it's some anime, and she's the love interest trapping him in.
Most of the time it's a taller stronger guy, but in this case - it's her, smaller than him, more slight, but so, so much stronger.
Asuka takes a breath, then another, and it's like, she's trying to calm down. "You don't know anything." She eventually tells him, quieter, but only JUST a little calmer now, like she's trying to deescalate herself.
She could say it, show some courage, take a leap of faith.
All she has to do is form the words.
I miss you too.
Why didn't you come back?
But that would require a little humanity, wouldn't it? For a boy who grieved her?
And she has none to give, because in her opinion, there isn't anything left.
"... I'm not- going to stop piloting Eva." There's a sound, as she removes her knuckles from the wall, and Shinji will note, more shards of concrete falling upon his shoulder, dusting him.
Asuka's hand doesn't even look hurt, as the other lets his collar go.
"So from now on I don't need-" She utters, still sounding vaguely upset but at least she's not caving his face in right, "or want you to try to save me... ever again."
A beat, as she darts a look at him, "You'd just mess it up anyway."
She knows what she's doing. Shinji Ikari once told her he has no place to go - no place where he belongs. And so she thought...
... she thought maybe there was one for him, here, with her. Because he wanted to stay, with her.
Now she knows better. Now she knows the kindest thing she can do is to encourage him to go back to where he now belongs.
In her own twisted way, she proves herself wrong after all.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
When Asuka pulls her fist back, all Shinji can do is grit his teeth and squeeze his eyes shut. The fact that the impact comes not on his face but on the wall next to him is a surprise--but the even bigger surprise comes when he peeks to his side and realizes that dusting on his cheek was specifically concrete dust. Because Asuka punched a hole in the wall. The concrete wall.
He gawks, thoroughly intimidated. It could be considered a kabedon in a way, but the moment doesn't feel romantic or thrilling. It feels terrifying.
He knows she's strong, but--was she always THAT strong?
Slowly, his bulging eyes track over to Asuka herself as she forces calming breaths. She doesn't feel calm. She feels like she's on the verge of strangling him to death. Shinji knows he deserves it, but there's something about this--something about all of this that feels wrong. Like it's just left of how the world should be. He doesn't know what it is. But if Asuka were trying to demonstrate to him that they don't belong together, that they aren't on the same level--she's succeeded.
He might be taller than her, if not by much, but he's rarely ever felt so small.
She tells him she's not going to stop piloting the Evangelion. That much he expects. He was prepared to push back on it at the start of this conversation. Now, his throat is closed; his teeth are stuck together. Flakes of concrete dirty his hoodie--the one Kaworu had gifted him as a souvenir from the Moon. Asuka releases him, and he breathes again at last, only to catch some of that concrete dust. He claps a hand over his mouth and coughs into it, barely managing to keep hold of Bud with his other arm.
It peters off fairly quickly. Long enough for Asuka to have her final say.
"...Yeah. You're right," he rasps. Slowly, he turns his head away, hugging his Haro close again. "You were right about me all along. I don't belong here. I shouldn't be piloting anything, let alone an Eva."
It's funny. He left this city with the determination to never pilot again. He never wanted to pilot again. He told his father so to his face.
But here and now, saying it like this to Asuka...
"...I'll leave you alone from now on, then. Since that's what you want."
...he feels like he wants to cry.
<Pose Tracker> Asuka Shikinami Langley has posed.
She knows she hurt him. She can feel it. She doesn't know why she can, just - it's so clear to her. And in that sense, it feels like self-harm.
In almost every way that matters, it is.
She promised Kaworu once she wouldn't be rough with him that way anymore - not physically.
It feels like she broke that promise anyway.
Some hurts just go deeper.
"That's right." Asuka confirms. Something cold - and beyond that - oddly desolate. "That's what I want."
It's not what she wants at all.
But what she wants? Doesn't matter.
It's what's best for him.
Turning, she walks away, one footstep after another, behind the building, until she's out of view. Her vision smears against the crimson filter of the world.
And raising a hand, she rubs on the exterior, trying to adjust it, until she realizes...
... it's shifting nature isn't some stain, some malfunction.
"Baka." She murmurs to herself out of earshot, "Look at what you made me do."
If it's what's best... then why does it hurt so much?