2023-07-21: That Which Is (Not) Human
- Log: 2023-07-21 That Which Is (Not) Human
- Cast: Kaworu Nagisa (ft. Duma), Rei Ayanami
- Where: Rei's Apartment, Tokyo-3
- OOC - IC Date: July 21, UC 0097 (2023)
- Summary: Kaworu and Rei talk about the Tenth Angel... and afterwards, Duma themselves reaches out.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
It's been about a week since Duma came to Tokyo-3 to pacify NERV. Kaworu had largely left the matter alone to allow tempers to cool, and to a certain extent that's worked, but to a certain extent it hasn't. He'd reached out to Gridman via their group chat with Rei to thank him for trying and tell him it wasn't his fault... but he noticed that Rei hadn't chimed in. Even after he gave it a little more time, that's still true.
So now it's evening, quite late. He doesn't need to sleep or eat or drink, but cleanliness is next to godliness, so he does still bathe and brush his teeth regularly. After that ritual tonight, he puts his brush (black and purple) in its holder and heads from the bathroom to Rei's room and knocks gently on the door.
"Rei? It's me. I want to talk," he calls, voice soft. "May I come in?"
Once he has her permission, he enters. He's wearing his standard bed clothes: a black peasant shirt and matching sweatpants. His hair is a little damp from the bath. He'll smile at her and seat himself wherever she indicates, folding his legs. "It's about the Tenth Angel," he at last explains. "And about Gridman."
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
To most of those who know Rei Ayanami, nothing is wrong. Perhaps she has returned to a median after an outgoing period. That isn't to be found too shocking. Rei is, after all, a growing person, and one of the things about growing up is that you begin to become set in what you *are*, however gradually.
Kaworu, of course, has the opportunity to know better.
A tap comes at the door.
Kaworu asks his question.
"Yes," comes Rei's reply, a few seconds later.
The door opens. Rei has put on a white T-shirt which was quite obviously the first thing to hand. It is a size too big. She bought it for gardening. She sits on her bed, which remains dishevelled, although she is partly occluded by a certain large bear.
She isn't seeming to embrace it, though. It's just there.
Rei's eyes turn up to Kaworu's. The light in the room is dim, like a more intense moonlight. (There is a desk and a chair, although Kaworu will have to move several books off the chair to use it, unless he cares to move to the bed. Kaworu might even recognize the chair; she brought it from the old apartment.)
She says nothing, but her expression is attentive.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Kaworu does recognize the chair. He opts for the bed to be close to her, and looks at her with a small, bittersweet smile.
"Are you all right?" he asks, which perhaps should have been the first thing to ask.
He doesn't go into the minutiae of why he's asking. There are a lot of reasons why he would be, and Rei should know all of them. He expects that the conversation will unravel as they speak.
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
Rei hears the question.
There is silence as she blinks several times.
Her head tilts slightly down.
"I don't understand what that means," Rei says.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Kaworu hmmms quietly. This reaction isn't what he expected, but he's not surprised by it, either. Rei should know all of them, but she is not generally allowed to be in tune with her own emotions.
"Let me change the question, then," he says. "What is your mental state after what happened on Saturday?"
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
Rei is quiet again, but this time, just two seconds.
"I think it's guilty," Rei says. "I felt that I did something wrong. It -"
Another pause.
"I do not," Rei says, looking up, "I don't know what that feels like. It's like nausea. I have forgotten about it for a time here and there. Now, it's there, muka-muka. But not in the stomach."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Muka-muka, but not in the stomach. It's not a sensation that Kaworu's familiar with either, admittedly. But he understands what she means.
"I see. You regret that your actions led to someone you care about being hurt," he says softly. "That's only natural. I think Gridman feels guilty about putting us in that position, too. But he had to do what he felt was right."
He pauses. "What do you think was 'right' in that circumstance?"
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
"I don't know," Rei says.
Silence.
But...
"There was no 'right.' The target was executing their attack. It wasn't necessary to hesitate. Unit Zero was made to defeat the Angels."
Rei's mouth opens and closes once. Abruptly, with the motion of one arm, she crushes the bear against her chest, squeezing it one-armed.
"Only events prevented disaster," Rei says. "I could not have fired again, I think, while he was there."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
"I agree. There was no 'right.' Duma and Gridman acted in accordance to what they each felt was 'right,' and stood by those actions, even if others didn't agree with them and wanted them to stop. In turn, NERV reacted to a threat to Lilim, and a being that sought to protect that threat from them. Perhaps it would have been possible to communicate and find a peaceful resolution. But I think it would have been unlikely."
She hugs the bear tight. Kaworu watches her with faint but deep sadness, like light glimmering off the ocean far from the shore. "The Lilim aren't wrong to fear and hate the Tenth Angel. The Tenth rejects their free will and seeks to numb it in the name of peace. But the Tenth also seeks to numb them in order to protect themself."
He sighs a little, leaning back to stare at the ceiling. "Gridman is very kind to want to protect them. I'm happy that he tried. But I'm sad that trying is causing him pain."
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
Rei's ursine comforter is held close. Rei's face is partially occluded by soft fabric. She looks at Kaworu as he speaks; then away. Then back to him; her eyes tracking alone.
"... Were you afraid for him?" Rei says.
"I know that he is recovered from such injuries, when he returns to that form," Rei continues, "or at least, that it is eased. Even so, I cannot forget that it happened."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Was he afraid for him?
"...Yes. But not for his body, but his heart," Kaworu replies. "I think... he is taking it as a personal failure that he couldn't resolve what happened peacefully. I suspect he sees himself in Duma, and sees a rejection of them as a rejection of him."
He meets Rei's eyes. "But sometimes, the parameters of success are impossible to meet. The closest I could see is that Duma leave the solar system and befriend Lilim on another planet. But they don't want to leave. And the Lilim don't trust them, for good reason."
His gaze falls to the floor. "...As long as Duma is unwilling to cede ground, we will not find a peaceful solution. That is the unfortunate reality--one none of us will be able to forget."
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
For his heart.
"... then no one prevailed," Rei says. "The Angel escaped, and we are left." Left like? She seemed like she was about to say 'left like.'. She may be thinking about, or addressing, the bear, but she meets Kaworu's eyes.
Kaworu presents the possibility of Duma fleeing the Solar System - potentially travelling in conventional space to another star.
Rei stares for a moment.
"... I think that then, we would pursue," Rei says, quietly.
"I hope I am able to forget it, in time," Rei says then, though from what she said before, it may be wishing to be rid of this unfamiliar sensation.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Yes. Everyone lost.
And Rei presents a truth that Kaworu hadn't wanted to admit: that if Duma flees, NERV will pursue. It would only be a matter of time. Kaworu shuts his eyes.
"...you're right," he says softly. "But..."
That last word holds a note for a moment. Ultimately, Kaworu chooses not to voice the rest of it. He stands up and leans over Rei.
"To forget is a nepenthe of the soul. I hope you come to be able to forget, too," he says. He leans down to press a tender kiss to the crown of her head. "Goodnight, Rei. Please don't be afraid to talk to Gridman. I think it will do both of you good."
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
Rei doesn't move at the statement, even as Kaworu passes over her. He can feel her eyes close and her breath escape when the kiss comes to the crown of her head, against the pale, soft, fine hair.
"Yes," Rei echoes. "I will." Perhaps to reassure him. But she means it, though.
But perhaps not tonight; for even if it may not be night-time in Tsutsujidai, it is night time here, in Tokyo-3.
"Good night," Rei says, quietly; she has been saying it for 47 days.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Kaworu trusts her. If she says she will, he knows that she will. Even if it's not necessarily tonight.
He favors her with a smile--not the faint thing he usually wears, but one softer, wider, warmer. Then, without further ado, he leaves. Rei will hear him pad through the hallway to the next room over. He doesn't sleep, but he does rest.
Last year, he spent the summer in the hospital. This year, he's long since finished his summer homework.
When Rei goes to sleep, she'll rest soundly or as soundly as she ever does for a time. Then, over time, something will tickle her brain.
Duma better recognizes those who pilot the Evangelions now, and Rei in particular has an alluring aura to her...
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
Rei, for her part, gets up; she brushes her teeth and cleans her mouth, and returns to her room. She had already taken her evening medication, and so she dims the light the rest of the way and lays on her head. She favors the stomach for sleeping, at least, tonight.
She closes her eyes.
Sleep seeps in around the corners. Filling things, like a tingling and subtle bakelite, infused by fatigue as the brain enters into a different cycle and mode of existence. As the information of the exterior world is no longer tightly monitored; as the platens of anxiety and conditioning slip away. Rei does forget what she had done; forgets the yelp and the impact of the weapon, and...
... somehow...
It doesn't quite...
Brain-waves suspended between restful and restorative oblivion, somewhere in the introspective realm, Rei's eyes saccade behind their lids.
"?"
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Duma is, as Angels go, pacifistic. That doesn't mean they're weak. More than any other Angel, they can reach and travel incredible distances, and their A.T. Field is attuned towards creeping into another's mind, particularly at night when the brain and body are relaxed. They still can't comprehend Lilim or truly communicate with them... but Rei isn't a Lilim, is she? She's something more than that.
There is a pulsing in her mind. A shimmering blue flame, as if burning underwater.
There is something like a question. Or maybe a query. Or maybe a note, except it's not a noise, it's the opposite of a noise.
Like the rest between heartbeats.
Presently, there is a presence.
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
Something is there.
Present. Burning; an impossible light.
Floating... somehow, to Rei, it feels like she's in the water again. It's natural, comforting. Somehow the air on her skin always feels subtly wrong, or at least unfamiliar. She never crossed the passage the same way others might.
What is this light?
It's different. Burning gas, but not the same.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
The blue broadens and expands. As it does, jagged streaks of something that looks like lightning appear within it, tearing inwards towards diaphonous veils of light that barely conceal a crimson sphere at the center. A core. Their core...
It isn't words. It isn't sound. But there is a thought.
It goes something like:
Do you also think they should keep fighting, even if it means hurting themselves?
Because it's only something like that, there's no need to specify the Lilim. In dreams, one can know these things without being told.
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
A thought comes to her.
Rei considers, vaguely. It's an abstract sort of thought - something which echoes the idea of 'perhaps I am having a dream' without quite crystallizng into that rather concrete form.
There is a question.
I don't want anyone to be hurt.
To suffer.
I suppose it doesn't answer your question.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
It doesn't.
Because if that is true:
Why do you fight?
Why did you keep fighting?
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
It's difficult. Thinking about it makes her stomach twist. And yet...
Because it's how I connect to others.
More silence, pregnant with thought.
There was no other way.
I hated it.
I hated it!
He did nothing to me.
Always, only kindness.
Like Ikari.
I fired three 440mm shells impacting at estimate 189-200 meters range against upper left shoulder causing vocalization and response of pain
He forgave me.
It is his nature.
Quiet returns.
I don't think that it is a choice for any of us.
Ikari. He could leave.
It might be best.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
You don't want to hurt others, but you connect by hurting others?
You know the form of pain very well, yet you hate it.
If you hate it, why don't you stop?
No other way?
It isn't a choice...?
I don't understand.
To choose for yourselves what you will do: that is what has been described as 'free will.'
Yet you do not choose?
If you are not choosing, then why is it bad to have choice removed?
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
I can't live without others.
It's how I was made.
Silence for long seconds.
If I left, I would die.
If I die, I would be replaced.
It wouldn't matter.
Another pause, more thoughtful.
Choosing...
I create what is mine with decisions that I make.
It trails behind me. A fourth-dimensional space which I occupy.
Occupy.
Occupy.
Occupy.
The topology is strange.
Even from afar, they are connected.
A few, I think, are wicked.
But they still have bonds to others.
A sense of mild frustration.
It is a wave-form.
I think... there is the desire for it.
To make your own choices.
There are many desires. To determine oneself is only one.
Occupy.
I think it is structural. If you deactivate the gene, what comes is not human.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
The silence, and the sound, are both absorbed. Slowly, slowly, but surely.
The beings Lilim call Angels are strange creatures. They don't obey the laws of nature in a way that Lilim would consider normal. They are beyond understanding.
And at the same time, humans--normal humans, in their normal way--are beyond the understanding of Angels.
Perhaps that's why ones such as the Tenth reach out in all their curiosity to try to understand...
...but they might never understand.
An alien topology, an alien wave-form... A being that will die but only be replaced by another right away. A shape that is made over time, choice by choice, brick by brick. For one as amorphous as Duma, it's already difficult enough to comprehend. But...
If you deactivate the gene, what comes is not human.
Ah...
So that's why the Repli-Compoids were so different. This is how to make them the same. I knew it all along...
Then if I deactivate the gene, they should all...
(There is a sense of satisfaction.)
You don't need to fight. I'll make sure there won't be any more fighting.
Thank you. Rest now.
(The light fades.)
<Pose Tracker> Rei Ayanami has posed.
Is that the secret?
The Repli-Compoids.
Yes, that makes sense, Rei thinks to herself, in so far as you're thinking at all in a dream. Gridman is nearer to them than to -
- maybe that is why she can feel -
"Good night."