2023-06-28: Madre e Hija
- Log: 2023-06-28: Madre e Hija
- Cast: Leina Ashta, Sayla Mass, Banagher Links
- Where: Ra Mari II - Hangar
- OOC - IC Date: 23 June 0097
- Summary: With the battle with Puru-1 finally over, Sayla goes to convince Leina to come out of the Banshee's cockpit. Afterwards, the two make their way back to Earth on a Smuggler's vessel, taking stock of how much rebuilding Leina is going to need. CW: References to Brainwashing.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Everyone knew that it happened, emotionally. The Psycoframes and Biosensor stopped resonating after she was brought to a place Beyond Time. Even if they couldn't hear the words though, the feelings after, they all knew that something had changed. What precisely? That might be difficult to place, but they knew she was coming back.
It still was a probably a relief when the Double Zeta, the Unicorn, AND the Banshee Norn were spied on the Ra Mari II's visuals. The Banshee itself, bereft of the right leg from the thigh down. It's head mauled on one side, pock marked all over by molten beamfire. A lot of it. Evidence of the numerous battles she'd been through to get to this point. The Double Zeta's torso is wrecked as well, all but missing one arm.
Despite it all, after a battle like that, it might take some convincing to let her dock. However, she has her weapons powered down as a show of good faith. She's quiet on the comms, but does acknowledge directions given to her.
When the Norn comes aboard, it has to use its thrusters to guide itself in to some degree, because otherwise it'd topple over from its own weight under the gravity. Eventually however, it plants itself down lopsided in the bay, propping itself up on its good leg, and haphazardly balancing on the wrecked knee, that's melted through from the Beam Javelin.
And then, nothing, after it powered down.
She's quiet. The Banshee itself does not have those negative emotions swirling about it any longer, but there's still something roiling inside, stormy and sorrowful and scared and angry and despairing. It doesn't take Newtype senses though to understand what is likely happening inside that cockpit.
She doesn't open the hatch though yet, she doesn't come out.
Despite it all, despite all that love, affection, validation. She's still scared to face everyone. Not because of the embarrassment, or fear of, because she can't trust herself. How she feels. She's worried from one moment to the next that she's going to DO something horrible, because those thoughts, those feelings are still there even if she knows WHY they are there.
And because they are, she's not sure what to say, what to do anymore, when she comes face to face with the people she cares about.
She trusts them, but not herself.
<Pose Tracker> Banagher Links has posed.
"*Leina!*"
The Unicorn has barely touched down in the Ra Mari II when her cockpit opens, Banagher stumbling out. With blood still covering the lower half of his face, the young pilot looks almost crazed, frantically making his way across the hangar to the Banshee.
"*It’s okay. You’re safe.*" He isn’t sure if he’s using his voice or his heart to reach out to her anymore. "*I’m right here, everything’s going to be just fine—!*"
Why doesn’t the Banshee’s cockpit open? Is Leina hurt? Pressing a hand, then his still-helmeted head to the Gundam’s black armor, Banagher tries to radiate as much love and protectiveness as he possibly can.
As he does, the last bits of that… something else slips away from him. The freedom and euphoria he felt within the Unicorn at the end of their battle gently escapes his reach. The glimmer of otherworldly Possibility leaves his eyes, and faraway across the hangar, the crystalline structures forming across the Unicorn vanish like mist before the sun.
Banagher’s legs give out. He hits the ground.
Someone shouts nearby, and medical personnel rush to the young pilot. He argues, shoves away their hands, rejecting their attempts to get him to medbay, until—
Sayla appears. Banagher relaxes. If anyone can take care of Leina now…
"*I’m okay. I promise. I’m just a little worn out.*" Banagher tries to reassure Leina, even as his eyelids flutter. "*I’ll be right back.*"
Though his golden eyes close and he’s quickly taken away for medical care, something of Banagher’s spirit lingers just outside the Banshee — only vanishing once he’s certain Sayla has Leina in her arms.
*I’m always with you.*
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
The Shuffle Heart had blazed across space to the Ra Mari II almost as soon as the battle had finished. Tessa could get the crew of the Lugh home without her. She had somewhere more important to be.
As soon as she had permission to land, she did so, and the movable cockpit at the 'heart' of the Shuffle heart opened stairs underneath it, and Sayla rushed down them, a coat hastily thrown over the mobile trace suit she hadn't had time to get out of.
She sees Banagher, wrestling with the medical team. He's as worried as she is. "...Banagher, please, let them treat you. Leave the rest to me, okay?"
She propelled herself across the hangar, to come to the Banshee. The nightmare that had claimed her daughter for so long.
She placed a hand to the metal, the trace suit acting as a conduit for the touch communications.
"Leina, it's me. It's Sayla. You can come out now. It's over."
She can feel it though. All that doubt and fear, radiating off Leina, more vividly than she ever had before. Just words wouldn't be enough. Just saying that it's over, that she should leave the Banshee isn't enough.
"Two and two are four..." Her tone is singsong, but there's not much variation in the notes. Sayla had never considered herself a strong singer- definitely not compared to her mother.
"Four and four are eight..." But she didn't need to be a strong singer for this.
"Eight and eight are sixteen... Sixteen and sixteen are thirty two..."
She just needed to sing the same way she always had.
"Inchworm, Inchworm, measuring the marigolds. You and your arithmetic, you'll certainly go far..."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Within the cockpit, Leina is curled up in the pilot chair, arms around her knees, visor down as she plants her face against them. A sob wracking her every so often. After months, she's so used to sinking into the negative emotions of this place. While not comforting, it was at least, easy.
It was like her safe place from the struggles of life, existence. Things she'd never really wanted to opt out of before, suddenly she needed that form of escapism. If life is suffering, then she would embrace it, let herself be punished for the kind of person she is. Now?
Now she doesn't even know how she feels. She doesn't even know if what she feels is right. Everything she thought she knew, and it turns out she doesn't even know her own head.
Leina!
It's okay. You're safe.
I'm right here, everything's going to be fine.
Her eyes shift up from her knees, to look at the hatch, feeling the weight of a handgun on her lap. She can't trust herself with this weapon.
She can't. She just can't.
What if she hurts him? What if she hurts herself? The self-loathing is strong right now. And yet, she knows that while that belief in her concept of herself as a bad person was there before, it was never this terrible before. Not this bad.
"This isn't me. This isn't me. Isn't me isn't me isn't me isn't me."
Help. She needs help. Help.
She's a chaotic mess, she has to trust in Banagher, in Judau. They know who she is right now.
She doesn't.
She has to trust in them. She needs to trust them that she is the kind of person that would be strong enough to drop this gun.
Alarm floods her as she feels his partial collapse outside.
She did this to him. It was her fault but it wasn't too? How should she feel about that? How should she feel about hurting him, about him needing to go to the med bay? She knows she hurt Judau badly too.
Eyes pressed against her knees again, she shakes her head, feeling the sides of the visor thunk against the sides of her knees. What happens if she goes out there now and Alexis appears? Commands her to hurt them more for the giggles. She can't. She can't think straight, she can only think of the worst case scenarios, no matter how unlikely.
'Leina, it's me. It's Sayla. You can come out now. It's over.'
She can hear her, ever so faintly, for a time she seizes up. She told her it was goodbye, she said such horrible things to her, she rejected her putting herself out there, being vulnerable, being honest.
How should she feel right now? How is she supposed to feel?
She doesn't know. She doesn't know. She doesn't know. Doesn't.
'Two and two are four...'
...---...
When a child has a nightmare, they cry out. When Leina Ashta has one, it is silent, save for those with the senses to hear it. For those that do, it's so loud. So incredibly loud. Like a thunderclap wrapped within a siren.
In this case, it was loud enough for Dr. Mass to hear the gunshot.
The nurses wouldn't realize of course. She's too proud to hit the call bell. She's eleven, she's not a child anymore. She was the woman of her house for years already. And so, all she does is turn on her side away from the door, and sniffle in silence.
When someone enters, she only hastily dabs her eyes and pretends nothing happened. She doesn't realize how loud she is.
Soon enough she's twelve. This has become a habit for her. The nightmares are more colorful, more varied, but always consistently so loud. And she's still too proud to acknowledge that anything is wrong whenever Sayla shows up at her door.
She calls her Sayla now.
She hates it, acknowledging weakness. That desire to be a 'big girl' she's had since she was a child, Glemy made worse by teaching her the wrong lessons about what is weakness within the aristocratic Neo-Zeon society.
Still, she doesn't always push her away now, pretend nothing is wrong, decide she's too grown up to talk about her feelings. Sometimes she lets her sit with her when she goes back to sleep. The first time Sayla started humming it, she told her 'I'm not a baby.'
The second time she started singing it, she pretended not to hear, if she nestled up closer against her - it was involuntary, because she was asleep.
The third time it happened, her eyes were still open just enough, and it became clear more and more, it wasn't just her humoring her.
...---...
It takes her a moment, as Sayla goes through the verses, hiccuping a few times, before she grabs the gun belt, and dangles it off the edge of the pilot seat.
'You and your arithmetic, you'll certainly go far...'
It finally hits the ground with a clatter, some part of her thinking what terrible gun safety practice it is. Then she unlaces her other arm, and stretches out her legs over the edge. Standing up, she takes both hands to the side of her helmet, unlatches it, and places it on the seat.
Then she steps forward, closing her eyes, she takes a deep breath.
"You have to trust them. You have to trust them. Can't trust yourself. You can trust them."
Reaching out, she touches the lever for the hatch, and the door slides open, then up. The girl within is propping herself up by the door, squinting at the light of the hangar. There are bags under her eyes, and possibly even thinner than the last time Sayla saw her in person. Her short brown hair is sweaty, matted, dirty. And one look at her and Sayla can tell by the dry quality of her lips that she's very much dehydrated.
How long had she been in combat? Longer than anyone should be. How long had she been flying to Side 3 before, with the excess of fuel that Alberto loaded the Norn with?
Tears blur in her green eyes, which are further inflamed and red from her crying. Standing there in silence, uncertainty roiling around her, as if uncertain on what she feels or what to say.
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
She hears the clatter, and hope mingles with fear. Nevertheless, she keeps singing.
"Inchworm, Inchworm..."
She can hear Leina's voice, quiet and dulled by the metal. She can't make out the words. Wordlessly, she pushes herself up towards the cockpit.
"Measuring the marigolds..."
She hears the parts shift, as the cockpit starts to open, and she finds a place to hold on to as it opens.
"Seems to me, you'd stop and see..."
The doors open, and she finally sees her again. Face to face, for the first time in nearly two months. Hurt and exhausted, underweight and underslept. Tormented for so long.
"How beautiful they are."
She steps forward, and slowly, gently, as if afraid she might break, Sayla wraps her arms around Leina. Her own tears run quietly down her cheeks.
Maybe Leina couldn't trust herself right now. But she was still her.
"Seems to me you'd stop and see how beautiful they are..."
That grip tightens, and for a moment Sayla just silently holds onto her. She can't find the right words.
But the relief, the joy, the sheer unadulterated happiness to have Leina here, with her again. It all radiates out.
Quiet tears become sobs, as the emotion waves over her. "I'm so glad you're back. I'm sorry that I kept so much from you. I'm sorry I couldn't help you earlier. I'm so... so sorry."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Fortunately, Rezza sent down a member of the crew to serve as crowd control. They're keeping people back, trying to delegate tasks to help manage the aftermath of the battle. So many are being sent on recovery since the Federation and the Sleeves are in no place to do it themselves. In the end though, it's a simple act of not wanting them to be crowded during this by a crew wanting to watch the drama unfolding before them.
Standing right here, it's a struggle for her looking at Sayla. Shouldn't she apologize to Sayla? What for though? How much? For an apology to work she has to know exactly what she did wrong, and know what she can do better. She tries to anchor herself on the feelings coming from her, that sense of simple joy.
Even as Sayla takes her in her arms, and starts to apologize herself. Leina seems startled, but she certainly doesn't pull away. If anything as Sayla apologizes, she leans into it, and it's not long before there are tears in her eyes. And for a time, the things she thought that mattered even five seconds ago just don't.
Her arms move to cling to Sayla with such ferocity for what strength is left in her small, much thinner frame, even as the rest of her weight just, feels like it collapses against her in contrast, face coming to rest against her collarbone as she chokes out a half-sob that becomes sniffling.
"Don't- I don't care about all that! I don't- it's it's not important. It's not!" She tells her, half muffled, eyes warm and stinging from the feel of saline. Perhaps she doesn't know how she would feel about her apologies if none of this had happened. Maybe she can't trust how she feels at all. Maybe tomorrow a few weeks from now she'll need to revisit this - she has no idea.
What she does understand is that some things are just more important. She tried to shove her away in preparation for a future without her, but she knows it wasn't what she wanted all along. In no world would she actually want that. She just felt it was necessary. Some part of her still does.
She just has to trust that those feelings aren't her. She just has to trust that she's not going to revisit their love and validation with pain.
"Mom, I wanna go home. I juh-just... wanna go home."
She doesn't even think about it when she says it, and she doesn't really rethink it either. She doesn't really interrogate this idea that that's what Sayla is to her, because right now all the barriers that she placed between herself and the idea are just gone.
Sayla called her her daughter, and she just has to trust that that won't change what's important. She can try to navigate the idea more later, once she knows how to feel.
For now though she just cries against her mother's shoulder, having to trust that the nightmare is over and that she's if not safe… then much safer than she was before.
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
It's a good thing that Acting Captain Rezza had taken care to ensure there was someone keeping things clear, because at this moment, nothing in the world matters more than the girl she's clinging to. The girl who is clinging to her.
She felt so light, right now. Leina's full weight on her is something she can easily support. Leina's arms grip around her so tight, and that only makes Sayla return the hug tighter herself.
She stops trying to apologize when Leina says it doesn't matter. He simply nods, as her hand goes up to rest on the back of Leina's head. What's important now is that they're together. What's important now is-
There's surprise, for a moment. Surprise that gives way to warmth, overflowing from Sayla. Something she'd never thought she'd hear, coupled with words she worried she'd never hear again.
It's something she'd wanted for so long, and she can't hide it. It seems impossible for that hug to get any tighter, right now.
But right now, she doesn't want to let her daughter go.
"Okay." She whispers. "Let's go home."
—-
Sayla had made some small requests of the Ra Mari II- IV fluids, and civilian clothes if they could be spared. And then Sayla sat with Leina, shifting between holding her hand and hugging her- but always close. Always touching. Not leaving her alone- or even raising the possibility.
The transport Sayla called is fast, unarmed, and has a small crew. It was easy to ensure Leina and Sayla could make it to their passenger's room unbothered.
The ship had brought some simple, easy foods, as requested. Just in case Leina was ready and able to eat something after the fluids- though even Sayla had to admit that might be too quick.
The room was a small room- but it was a room. Not a military berth. There was a bed, not a cot. The seats were couch like, apart from the seatbelts. There was a TV that Sayla could connect her phone to. There was a small bathroom, with a shower.
It wasn't home. But it was a start on the way there.
They'd have to take a slightly circuitous route home- avoiding the Federation was the priority. Getting home safely was the priority. In the mean time...
"Would you like me to put something on, or would you just like to rest?" Sayla asks, quietly, calmly. Simple questions and simple choices, at this early stage.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
A nod against her, with the wet in her eyes. It's far too easy to lead her off.
When the idea of needing IV fluids was presented to her, Leina didn't seem to struggle with it too hard. If anything she seemed quite compliant, but faintly abstracted.
"You're the Doctor."
One might wonder if she ever said the same to Dr. Murasame. However there's not that feeling within her truly, it's just she doesn't feel up to making even the most basic of medical decisions for herself right now. She's simply trusting that Sayla knows what's best for her in that realm.
She takes the needle stick like a champ, without even a flinch. She always tends to be compliant with medical care so long as it's reasonable in her eyes, even back then. It was more the problem of trying to get her to see a doctor regularly for her health, on Shangri-la it was too expensive for her to see a physician for anything other than emergencies.
Mostly during the IV therapy she just, lays her head against her, and keeps one arm around her so as to let the other IV arm do its work, but while she drowses off, she never actually stays asleep for long - starting every so often as if she were just used to waking up on a dime right now. It doesn't take her long to relax against Sayla again, but one would expect her to be out like a light after all this.
And that's just not happening. She does check on Banagher and Judau once the infusion is done, just to quell her anxiety that their condition is worse than it seemed.
She dressed out of her pilot suit into the offered civilian clothes, the button down pink blouse is a little too big, and the skinny jeans look baggy on her. If Sayla had it checked while she was in the medbay, a feat possible due to the Ra Mari II's gravity, she's lost roughly eighteen kilograms in weight.
She had one final request of the Ra Mari II's crew, and its Captain before they go. That they repair the Banshee Norn. It's not, an especially difficult request given that the main piece missing is still almost entirely whole, but it might make people uneasy. She tries to explain it as best she can, that it's been predicted that it'll be needed for what's coming, but it's still... a hard pill to swallow both because of what it was capable of, and the fact she expects to go back.
In the passenger room on the transport, she does eat, but, like a rabbit. Just, nibbles. Her appetite right now is bad, and it seems to be a bit of a struggle for her, like she has to remind herself that it's okay to eat - and even when she remembers, her body is adjusted to this starvation mode of existence.
"Um." The question comes while she's mid-bite of 'a' nut from some mixed nuts. Her eyes wander, as she thinks about it, chewing through the rest then swallowing it. Then... "I'm exhausted, but I don't know if I'll be able to sleep much." There's a small, broken laugh, "My sleep cycle is, thoroughly wrecked from... the routine he put me through." Closing her eyes, she sighs reluctantly, "I might need... meds, to help." She says, but she doesn't demand, as if the choice is ultimately Sayla's on that, "Took me off my... anti-depressants too, Alberto got me back on something but..."
But it hasn't yet had time enough to actually work in her system.
"Maybe a shower?" She asks after a moment, "I feel-" She makes a gesture as if to say that 'dirty, icky' "Then, we can put something on and... maybe talk? I... I don't know."
Assuming that Sayla acquiesces to her taking the shower in Low-G, it's the first time she gets the request of, "Can you, stay nearby? Just-" There's a shake of her head, "-I don't think... feel... like I should be alone right now."
The idea seems to be scaring her, though it may not be immediately understood why, unless Sayla perused Murasame's notes far enough to learn about the extended isolation Psycommu experiments.
Either way, when the shower runs, the door is open, and Leina peeks around the curtains every so often, as if reassuring herself. Like she's doubting even her Newtype senses that tell her Sayla is there.
Once it's over, and she's dried off and redressed, she takes a seat beside Sayla again. "I keep worrying that... that there's some manhunt out for me, and the Fed is going to arrest us at any moment. They... tried to lure me into a trap out there. Pretending to be on the same side then..." Her head nestles against Sayla's shoulder as if remembering before she quiets down, "... well, it didn't work out for them."
And Ruri told her about the neurotoxin. Before she'd thought it was just Martha Vist Carbine's elaborate ruse. Now? Now she knows that's just how her mind was programmed to think. She STILL thinks it, it's just, her brain has been rewired enough that - she can recognize it's untrue when there's evidence in front of her contradicting it.
"I'm scared. That... even though, it's over for now..." She trails off, in this honest moment of sharing her fears.
Sayla may have to grapple with the fact they've stolen her feeling of safety, security whenever she's traveling with her, on her way home?
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
That phrase doesn't... sit comfortably, right now, but if Leina can't trust herself, Sayla has to be the trustworthy one. She gives a small nod. "Okay." She'd feel better if Leina could just sleep through it, if she could just give her some much needed rest.
Sayla had changed to a simple white t-shirt and pale blue skirt, after cutting herself out of the mobile trace suit. But she can't help but be conscious of how much weight Leina has lost. Dangerous amounts, all because of Murasame and Vist. But she doesn't have the emotional room to hate them right now. Just to worry about her daughter, and the long road to recovery.
Supporting Leina's request is difficult, but Sayla does- with an even harder one: asking to release the repaired Banshee to her, in case there's data they need for her recovery.
That one will probably require more negotiation down the line.
Sayla's eyes so rarely leave Leina, as she eats that little amount. It's strange, to focus on her appetite being taken from her, when they took so much else but...
Every little part of herself Leina was robbed of is too much. "I'll get in touch with Fa, then." She's avoiding the term doctor, perhaps overnervously. She doesn't want to set something off by accident. She may not have browsed Murasame's notes herself but, well. She'd still had them summarized.
"That sounds like a good plan," Sayla responds, with a tired smile. And then Leina makes her request, and Sayla nods. "Okay. I'll be right here," Sayla moves to set herself up near the door to the bathroom. "If you need anything, I'm right here." She repeats it, hopefully reassuringly.
While Leina showers, Sayla checks her phone. Messages to members of the household. Requests to the Maganac Corps and Mithril, if they can spare people.
But the second Leina is out, the phone is priority number two. She extends a hand to Leina, as they move to the couch. "...I don't think Vist knows we have you yet, but we'll be skipping the ring anyway." Sayla's a little tense as she says it. She has a similar fear. Sayla can extend only so many protections- but she'll be extending everything she has.
Sayla reaches up to gently stroke Leina's hair. It's a terrible feeling. The Villa will have upgraded security now. No unannounced visits, no untracked movements. Bodyguards at hand. Something Leina had refused for so long but...
Until Martha Vist Carbine is no longer a threat to her family, things can't go back to normal.
But she has to hold on to hope that one day it will be.
"I'm scared too." She admits. "I'm scared for you, and what they might try. But I'm going to lean on everything I have to help make sure you're safe. And it won't just be me. I won't let them hurt you again. I promise."
A promise with all intent to be kept.
Sayla pulls out her phone again, and this time syncs up to the TV. She looks at what she has to hand- and settles on an old Minmay concert video. Familiar, safe, and something that doesn't really require much focus.
She taps her fingers on the arm of the couch. There's something she has to raise- as much as she fucking hates it. All she wants to do is take Leina straight home to the villa.
But she has to at least raise it, even if the answer is no.
"...Do you think you can handle going to 3G's French office on the way home? There's someone there who I think could help, her name's Hinoki. She's part of Mamoru, Alouette and Akane's team, and she helped Akane and Rikka when they got out. And I'll be right there the whole time." The words kind of burst out, not in the controlled way Sayla had hoped.
But those commands are still there. Until those are dealt with, someone could just activate them and Leina would walk away with them, unable to resist.
And she couldn't handle losing her daughter again, especially not after finally getting her back.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Something that will probably require more negotiation down the line, but Captain York was on good terms with Leina before all of this, and the Yumi Foundation helped reunite her with her family. Not even to mention how her past might make her more predisposed towards compassion in this matter.
It will likely work out.
While the cruelty of the starvation diet was not pointed in such a way as to be specific to her profile, it still happens to intersect with it so neatly doesn't it? A girl who always had a healthy appetite, who grew up in a food insecure colony. Somehow it ends up simply being thoughtlessly cruel in how it took this away from her.
It will come back, certainly, but for now it's just more evidence in front of Sayla's eyes.
"Thank you." She tells her quietly, looking grateful and only vaguely embarrassed since Kamille and Fa took part in... her rescue, from afar. But she has to suck up her embarrassment of the things she did or said when she wasn't in her right mind. She still isn't in her right mind, and she needs the help.
There's a look of relief as Sayla agrees to stay nearby. The shower is perhaps a touch overlong, enough to be indulgent, but care for herself had long been in the most remote of her concerns. While the depression is still there, the understanding that it was exacerbated to this degree by their machinations has at least instilled within her a certain defiance towards, motivating herself to act against it.
"It's... best to assume they do." She tells Sayla quietly, even as she looks relieved that they're skipping the Orbital Ring, taking Sayla's hand and letting herself be led to the couch.
They lost their best informant on Shuffle and the 3SA in her, but she engaged so many Federation mobile suits. Either way their only options were to assume she's dead, fled, or in their custody.
Leaning against her, her eyes half lid, drowsily, as Sayla's fingers stroke her hair. "Okay." She tells her quietly at her promise that she'll keep her safe, "Okay." She repeats, "I trust you. It's just... they're so big. I underestimated them and..." A soft shake of her head. Even the Banshee couldn't show her how she was taken into their custody, she just knows she was. What was she even doing when she was?
She can't remember. That not knowing is scary for her, how did she err? She can't figure that out.
Then Sayla presents an idea, going to 3G France's office, and Leina's eyes open wider, the side of her head sliding across Sayla's shoulder at an angle to simply regard her face. She gives her a momentary look, and the fear is strong, but she takes a breath, closing her eyes. "I... it's what needs to be done right?" There's this, weighing of being unable to trust herself, and knowing she needs to trust the people in her life, and do the responsible thing.
But she's still scared.
She takes some time in consideration, and it's clear she doesn't really want to, but she seems to be assessing those feelings in real time, like she just doesn't trust how she feels on it, and confused by the whole process of parsing through her emotions, "I don't really know 3G's methods... what will it... entail?"
There's, a momentary flash of, a memory, of Leina bound to a chair, a Psycommu headband affixed to her forehead, and so many ephemeral fingertips grasping her. Of Dr. Murasame speaking to her. 'Self-denial-' '-makes for a more efficient pilot.' The girl finishes the sentence without being told, eyes glazed over.
It's strangely, lacking emotional context from Leina in the memory, the vision, save the same overarching fear. As if she were simply watching a horror movie of herself and bringing along Sayla for the ride without realizing it.
It's over before long, and she's simply squeezing Sayla's hand harder, waiting for the answer.
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
"Yeah, You're right." Not preparing against Vist would simply be too risky right now. "Knight and Nidaime said they'd take turns being at the house, and I'm asking if Rashid or Tessa can spare some security for us." She taps her fingers. "Renais will be around too, I'm sure." The Villa wouldn't be the same, but it would be kept safe.
She grimaces, as Leina acknowledges it's what needs to be done. "...Yeah. Akane said she'd contact them for us."
And then a flash- and she's there, with Leina, during one of those cruel moments. The man who tormented her daughter is there, but her eyes shift to Leina, eyes glazed over in the chair. Her voice repeating that horrible mantra.
In the real world, Sayla notices that squeezing on her hand, and she squeezes back. They're both here. He's not. Leina's safe, and they're on the way home. She repeats it in her head.
"...It's a type of brainwave monitoring device, and Hinoki will talk to you throughout, from my understanding. "But... I believe there's some basic hypnotherapy too. And this would be... intensive." She should have asked Akane for more details. She should have prepared more.
"...If you can't handle it yet, we can go to the house first. But I think we should, if you can. We need to make sure no one can use those commands you ever again. I wish there was a better option." But in this field, there was no one she trusted more than 3G. Not even her own people.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"That's..."
Part of her rails against, just putting so much security in the Villa, for her sake. But it takes a moment to parse through why. Valuing independence over security for so long as to force herself to learn to shoot a gun rather than utilize a bodyguard.
Believing she's not worth the effort now. The place her brain is in makes it more and more confusing to sort through these feelings. In the end she has to force herself to trust Sayla on her security.
"... Alright. You- you know what you're doing."
Even that might hurt though, seeing the start of a reflexive argument against, just giving in so completely to the idea that simply 'You know best.' Leina has never been like this before.
But it truly is just her knowing she has to trust the people in her life right now.
Eyes closed, she squeezes her hand and gives a faint nod as if in she were validating those feelings Sayla was giving off, but...
Then she mentions what the therapy will be. There's those feelings rapid fire again, alarm, fear that gives way into panic.
The signs aren't so open at first other than her breathing picking up, and the feel of her heart rate just, increasing through her hand.
"Hyp... Hypnotherapy..."
Her feelings just go into a state of turbulence for a while because it's clear, she's terrified. Even from the perspective of it being done by 3G.
"I really... I'm not sure..." For a time she shakes her head against her as if she were just saying 'No no no no no I can't I just can't'.
But then, after a time... there comes this sort of, strange resignation that underlines the panic.
Her heart is still beating so very fast as she says breathlessly, "It... It has to happen... doesn't it?"
In the end, the panic was less about the specific means, and more about how much agency she thought she had, only to find out she hasn't really had any in such a long time.
Certainly, she can put it off, but refusing means she'll continue her life the way she is right now, indefinitely.
She can't really refuse. It all circles back to her not really having a choice, other than the time it happens.
"O-Okay... we can... we can... stop by. We can... stop by."
She has to trust the people in her life, but for now, she's not having trouble catching her breath, getting the words out, stopping her hand that's gripping Sayla's from shaking.
"We can stop by." She whispers, as fresh tears squeeze out from behind the lids and adorn her face.
She just wants to go home, and put off this forever... but she knows, she can't put it off. Shouldn't put it off.
Which means she's not going home right now, no matter how much she wants to, before having a session where she has even less control of herself than she does right now.
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
"I don't want to do it either. But it's the right decision right now." It's not like she'll be leaving the Villa much herself. But between protecting Leina from Vist and her own identity being open... everything's so much more at risk, though.
But it doesn't feel right that Leina doesn't push back. Even if she's trying to trust Sayla, there's so much Leina that's been so crudely sawn off.
Sayla feels the fear and alarm bubbling to the surface, and she shifts again, moving to wrap her arm around Leina's shoulders, and the hand that was stroking her hair moving to hold her hand again. She doesn't interject, she just holds onto her tight.
The resignation that comes after is... not a good feeling right now, either.
"...Thank you, pollito." She says, quietly. She can feel how much it hurts Leina right now. How much it scares her. "Thank you."
BGM: https://youtu.be/dbQ8MmiqN4o
In the background, Lynn Minmay's 'My Beautiful Place' starts up, an image of the blue earth of decades ago behind her.
Once again, Sayla holds her daughter close as the song plays. "...You'll be okay, Leina. And I'll be with you however long it takes, however hard it is to get there and beyond."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
In the end, her whole body sinks against Sayla, trembling, as she thanks her. She tries to remember her breathing. Tries. It's hard to count to the numbers she knows she's supposed to count up to.
Eventually she just settles for 'slower' in how she breathes, even if she can't follow the rhythm or keep it consistent. Sayla thanks her, "It's... just like... just like physical... therapy." She says aloud. It's not, but Sayla can understand what she's doing with it, "Something to do, to get well."
It's not the same, Leina wasn't hesitant to do Physical Therapy, in fact she did too much of it, more than was prescribed - as if she thought she could just get better.
"Just... just like it."
The song comes on, Leina's familiar with it of course, as she is with most Spacenoid idols. Minmay isn't her favorite as 'before her time' but she still celebrates her of course for her contributions to Spacenoid music and Spacenoid idol culture in general. How could she not?
And her music is... soothing. It's still not enough to calm her, but sometimes she can remember the count on her breathing.
"Okay... okay. It... I know you'll be with me." She tells her after a moment, breathless but more able to focus, "I know... you'll be with me. Just like... just like back then."
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
Sometimes you have to do what you can. As Leina starts her self reassurance, Sayla tries to reinforce her. "...Right. It's to help you get well. It's just therapy, to help you find your strength again."
But something sticks. "...I'll be as close as I can be, but... I might not be able to be in the room with you. " She squeezes the girl's shoulder tighter still. "But I'll be right outside the whole time. I'll be there with you during breaks." It hurts but... No more lies, right? She needs to be honest with Leina.
She knows how shaky Leina's footing is right now. It's fairer not to blindside her.
She notes Leina's breathing, her trying to steady herself. "I'll count for you. You just focus on breathing in and out, okay?" She continues to hold her tight. "Even if I'm not in the room, I'll be there. And I won't leave without you. I won't leave you behind. I'll be right there."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Despite the reassurance, she's still obviously freaked, as she latches onto the two words there. "Just therapy. Just therapy. Just therapy." She keeps repeating it to herself.
To find her strength again? She's never been strong, right? No. That's what they did with her, bringing her worst thoughts to the fore and making them so all consuming.
"Just therapy. Just therapy. Just therapy." She repeats again, trying to focus instead on the idea of getting well. She knows this isn't well. How could this be well?
Sayla however mentions she won't be in the room and there's a soft whimper in that moment, as she pinches her eyes shut tighter. Burying her face against her.
It'll just be her and Hinoki in the room. Just her and someone she doesn't know, doing Hypnotherapy on her. She tries to tell herself that 3G is trustworthy, of course they are, but it's still so hard to think of herself in the room with someone who just has absolute control over her.
The thought of how many months she spent with people having absolute control over her life, and her being just that completely unaware....
It turns into breathless sobbing, as Sayla squeezes her shoulder. She obviously hates it, but she's at least not fighting it.
It's a small blessing and a curse all at once.
A blessing that she's doing what needs to be done. A curse that Leina, who became so able to push back against anything she didn't want to do as a teenager... isn't.
Showing just how much this took it's toll upon her.
As Sayla offers to count for her at first, it's like she doesn't hear her, before eventually nodding, and letting her count. It's even more difficult to adhere to it, with the sobbing, because it's already breaking up her breathing so much.
Yet she tries, as Sayla holds her, she just lets her count, and she tries to hold a breath even when it naturally becomes a nasally wet sob.
It takes perhaps a good nineteen minutes before her hands stop shaking and she's all cried out. It's only then that she tells her tiredly, utterly emotionally drained, and muffled against her.
"Hate this. That the only way is... the same way that... put me in this place. Just... feel trapped."
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
"Just therapy," Sayla repeats as though her voice. Sayla does her best to keep count. No frustration enters her voice. As Leina buries her face in Sayla's shoulder, Sayla falls back to the old familiar moves. A hand to rest against Leina's head.
A blessing that hurts so much to have. A curse that stings so badly. How much of Leina had been pruned to make the gnarled bonsai that was Puru-1? How long would it take to help those branches grow wild and strong again?
No. Leina would grow back to being Leina again. She had to.
"I wish there was another way. But there's no one I trust more to help you right now." She sighs. "It sucks... but it's the best thing we can do."
It feels weak, right now. But it's the best she can offer.
"This is the best way I can think of to get you out of that trap." Maybe she's saying too much. Trying to get her okay with something that's not okay.
When those ninteen minutes are done, Sayla tries to work out where to go next. Maybe it's time to change topic again. "...Do you want me to put on something else, like Persimmon?" She's grasping at straws. But maybe something that led them to that conversation on the verandah so long ago might help. Something they bonded over so closely. Maybe it'd be different now.
Or maybe it'd be just right.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
It's honestly hard to view how Leina takes it, Sayla's effort to try and reframe it as something helpful. Her emotions are just, at an extreme low right now.
Most parents have to deal with children that never want to do things that are best for them. Sayla never had to.
Until now at least.
Leina was just always so responsible about doing what needed to be done. It's so strange seeing her in this state, just as strange perhaps for her existing in this state.
In the end, to her question, it's unclear how she takes it for a while, but then she just says quietly, "I... I don't know." There's just such uncertainty, "I... if you think it would help... then... I'll try, I'll try to just... watch..."
Another pause, a small shake of her head and...
"I'll try."
How did even small choices become so difficult for her? But in the end, she at least trusts Sayla in this respect.
That such things might be best for her in this state. Distraction. Escapism. Nostalgia. The warmth and comfort of something the two bonded upon.
"It's... worth a try." She eventually ends on.
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
<poem>
Even this much was so hard for Leina. The girl who would argue against Sayla with such strength and conviction... now struggling to work out if she wants something as simple as a favourite show.
Sayla's own fear is there again, try as she might to stop it leaking out.
"...Okay. We'll try it. If you want to talk through it, we'll talk. If you just want to rest quietly, we'll rest. If you want me to stop it, I will. Whatever you want right now, okay? And if you don't know what you want, I'll keep trying until we find something that works. And that's no trouble at all."
As the familiar chords start up, she settles in next to Leina, ready to go through every comfort she had. They would likely be home before tomorrow morning. Back in the Villa.
But tomorrow morning felt so far away right now.
Even so, she'd stay up trying through an endless night for Leina.