2022-10-16: Cheyenne '81
- Log: 2022-10-16: Cheyenne '81
- Cast: Sayla Mass, Leina Ashta
- Where: Villa Mass, AEU Spain
- OOC - IC Date:16 October 0096
- Summary: A photo album falls open. Leina misunderstands, and Sayla does not correct her.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Leina's wheelchair hums as it takes her through the bar area, looking for a certain someone.
"Buer, you silly devil. What are you doing in there?"
Perched in the middle of a box only partially full of photo albums - as many more lay upon the bar, Buer sat, and played a game of chicken against Leina in her new safe space, before...
Mrowww
Leina sighed lightly and gave her a rueful look, "You know I can't bend well right now. And there's still albums in there. I think we'd appreciate fewer cat hairs shed on our memories if you please."
She clucks her tongue lightly, and Buer responds by leaping up onto the bar, "Buer-" Her path knocking a few albums down, as one near the bottom of a pile lands wedged between the arm rest and her thigh while a few more hit the ground.
"What's gotten into you?" She plucks forth the album that landed on top of her, "You're not usually this bad about changes to your spac-"
Leina stares at the title. Cheyenne '81 She'd never seen this one before.
Without a word she opens the cover, and stars flipping through it as if transfixed. It's just as she thought. Pictures of Sayla and Amuro together. At home. At events and parties the Federation let them attend with their Minders. On Holidays. Surprise visits to the hospital Sayla worked at. Birthdays...
... cute couples pictures. She stops flipping through on a particular one of the pair in the middle of a light-hearted kiss.
Sayla was the same age as Leina was now in this picture. Amuro slightly younger. To her eyes it's just two teenagers in a photobooth.
It all went wrong.
There's a slow blink of her eyes, as she sighs- speaking quietly, but her tone pregnant with bitterness, "Why couldn't you have just remained a memory?" As her fingertips brush lightly against plastic encasing the photograph, "Why do you have to keep hurting her again, and again, and again?"
Was it really all the bond between four people, that brought so much pain, and sorrow?
Was it really the cause of Axis Shock?
She just remembers feeling Sayla's happiness being shattered in real time, that day, both of them on the couch. Picking up the pieces after. Her never really recovering. Not really, no matter how much she tried to help bring joy back to her life.
Before she knew it, two saline droplets had landed on the photo of the pair, as she blinked back more tears. "Guh-" With the back of her hand she dashes them away out of her eyes as she commands herself, "-stop."
It might as well be a command to him as well.
Stop.
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
Down the hall, there is a low rumbling meow, followed by thudding toward the room. Then back. Then toward the bar again. And another mrrrrrow.
"Yes, yes, I'm coming, but if whatever you've decided to bring back this time is disgusting, Judau gets to deal with it." Sayla's tired voice comes down the hall, walking towards the bar at a 'relaxed' pace. She's... sure Leina's in the house, but not specifically where. Unusual.
And then Sayla walks in, and sees Leina in the Albums. And then she feels it through her ramshackle walls. Foras rushes over to sit at Leina's feet- waiting to be invited, as he often does when she's about to cry. Or is crying.
She closes the doors to the bar- and locks them. Leina wouldn't want anyone else to see this. "...Leina. Would you like me to talk about it?" The way Sayla moves over to the bar- to the albums- rather implies it's maybe time.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Her fingers curled up, her face resting against a palm, an elbow on the edge of the album. She knows Sayla is in the home too.
The last thing she would have wanted is for her to walk in at the moment, but it's also something she wants more than absolutely anything - other than seemingly impossible stretch goals, like 'Reform in the Federation' or 'Sayla to be happy again'. It's a paradoxical mess of feelings she's in right now.
It's Foras she sees first in that wait towards an invitation and- "Fuh-Foruh-" A click of a lock, and that's when she sees Sayla's far closer than she thought she was in this mess of sorrow.
Wordlessly, other than the sounds and motions of stifled sobbing she shuts the photo album.
Her other hand rubs against her eyes again. And... pat pat on the rail.
And like a flash, the Blue Maine Coon is on her lap, rubbing up against her free hand, as she begins a practiced motion of rhythmic rub rub rubbing the feline in a display of shared affection..
She takes a deep breath, which hitches in that moment, as she tries to regain her composure, enough to talk.
"... No. Yes."
They're said so quietly, the shift from the negative to the affirmative.. She knows how much it hurts Sayla to talk about it. She knows they should talk about it.
"The pictures I'd seen before of you two together this young just..." She trails off as puts her other hand on the cover, the wheelchair turns around, "...this just feels so much more personal." She casts a glance askance the bar, "Got knocked... right into my lap. And then what he was sending out that day for all of us... to feel, just couldn't help but come to mind."
She closes her eyes, "... I hate it. Just keep thinking of your Bawoo... getting slashed apart by him. And knowing I can't possibly ask you to... let this one go. Let others handle him this time."
As her eyes close again, there's just the rhythmic rubbing of Foras. "I don't want him to take anything else from you... from me... from both of us... and I know he probably will anyway, before this is done."
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
Buer, meanwhile, moves over to Sayla, and simply positions herself in range, and sits, to be a presence. The two are now fully in position.
Sayla reaches her good arm over to Leina, to place her left hand on the one not occupied by cat. "...They are. But you're not seeing something you shouldn't have. You're seeing something I was too scared to let myself look back at, until now."
She leans over to press her forehead to Leina's. "I won't be going out in that thing again. It's gone." There's a pause, though. "...No. I can't. After everything that happenefd with Shuuji, and Char..." Sayla hadn't used Master Asia's name in a long time. "Guy's promised he'll bring Amuro back to me. And maybe he could but..."
If it all went wrong... Then it's Sayla's job to put it right.
"...I won't let him do that." It's so rare that Sayla promises something she's not sure she can deliver. ""And I won't let him take either of us from the other. I won't." She leans back, and looks at Leina with determination. Maybe Guy has rubbed off on her after all.
She picks up one of the albums at random. "Leina... I want you to ask any questions you have, look at anything you want her. You deserve to see that part of my life, and I need to finally process it."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
'seeing something I was too scared to let myself look back at'
All Leina can do is nod, pained at that statement.
As their foreheads touch, Leina says quietly with closed eyes, "It's okay. I wish you'd told me, but I understand why you didn't." She can't even think of getting upset at that right now, it's competing for something like thirty seventh on her things to be concerned about right now.
Shuuji, she just remembers him as a kindly old man who she could enjoy talking to, discussions of how to change things...
... she felt so betrayed by his ultimate decision of how things needed to be changed, even if she could understand that despair.
It's so strange for her to hear him and Char Aznable in the same breath, like her mind can understand the similarities in the ultimate goals, but Master Asia seems more human to her.
Whereas Char feels more personal in how much he hurt them. The Axis Shock feels like it's so much more villainous, because while everyone was seeing rainbows, she was seeing someone take a piece of a miracle away from her.
The only miracles in Leina Ashta's life have ever been Judau and Sayla. She can't believe in any other.
Through the warmth of their foreheads touching, there's an inhalation as she comprehends what she already knew. Sayla can't leave this one to others. However-
Leina's eyes blink open as Sayla promises that out of pure shock. One of those promises that can't be kept, and yet- as she leans back and looks her in the eyes - she finds herself believing it might be true from the sheer determination.
She almost feels like crying out of sheer relief - whereas before she'd seemed almost resigned, "Al-Alright." She nearly chokes up on the spot but somehow keeps it together, "I'll hold you to that."
She looks down at her lap, at Foras, who despite his contentment now looks back up at her. Her eyes then fall upon the cover of the album, "Questions." She thinks about it for a time then... slowly she rolls over to one of the albums she saw from earlier. And slowly slides it off the bar one handed, without bending too much. Laying it on top of another album she turns it to a picture of the White Base Crew at Belfast...
"... when was the last time you called Bright? Mirai? Kai? Frau?"
She thought, perhaps naively, that she'd kept better in touch with them, or maybe she only wanted to believe that, even as the pictures disappeared from view in the Villa.
And then the chair swivels back so she's facing Sayla, "While you were with him, how did you deal, whenever she showed up?" Leina asks, gently... but then comes another question, and after her conversation with Full Frontal - only one name comes to mind for the asking, "How did you deal with being bonded to Casval?"
Sayla may realize with a certain dread, a growing horror in this moment, that as much as Leina wants to know the answer, to try and help Sayla with her suffering... this is not something she'd ask even with the permission she gave her. She would only ask her on something like this because it's becoming more and more relevant to her too.
Because this is leading somewhere for her too.
BBSYS: Post 322, 'Preventing Burnout' has been published to Vacations by Lilith Aiden.
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
"Good." That's the response she gives to Leina's relief. The fact that Leina will hold her to this... It's a more tangible reason to survive. No matter what. She sits back down, and waits. The Belfast picture... "...Three years for Bright and Mirai. About the same for Frau. I know the accounts are still depositing funds. I ran into Hathaway a few months ago, but-" So not since the night of the Axis Shock. "Kai I've mostly been leaving to Radha. I can't tell you the last time for sure, but it was for work. Or maybe to drink." She tries to deliver it matter of factly, but... It's clear there's guilt there.
She takes a long moment. "Work, mostly. The foundation was nascent and I was in my first year of practice. It was easy to find things to bury myself in... which probably didn't help. Otherwise I pretended not to notice- I don't think Amuro could tell I was... present."
And then Leina mentions that name, and Sayla seems to freeze. Her walls- battered as they are- suddenly steel. How- why would- No. If Leina knew... she'd never tell her this way. "It... wasn't a strong bond. I didn't even feel him again until '87, and even then it was like distant tingling at most. I wasn't part of that bond... I was on the periphery." She's sparing Leina the bitterness. And the truth.
It all starts to come together. "...Oh, pollito." Her voice is wracked with sadness. She suddenly sees the path Leina is walking them towards. She lowers herself carefully so her head is level with Leina's, and moves in for the hug. If she could use both hands, she'd be guiding Leina's head to shoulder. "...I didn't even think. I'm so sorry."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Leina listens to how long it's been for each of them in turn, her green eyes fastened to her. There's something upset in them, upon having this confirmed.
However, she understands that Sayla herself feels guilty about this too, and there's only one reason why she'd get angry on this, "Promise me you'll call them, soon. They deserve that much. You deserve that much - to have their support right now."
And that is if she refuses.
"You never... talked about it with him?" Leina seems distraught, at the mere idea that Sayla felt her there, felt Lalah, that she simply buried herself in work. It's not so much the failure of communication between the pair.
It's that Sayla was alone in her suffering for so long. No support. Not even from the man she loved, because she didn't talk about it with him.
Leina sees the way Sayla freezes, feels her damaged walls rise up, and she doesn't sense anything untoward about it. After all, it's someone who ruined so much for her, for him. The only thing unusual is that she was able to say Char so easily, but she puts that out of her mind, the lesser used name was likely just more startling.
"Just a distant tingling? Never... anything else? It just gah... I don't know how you could deal with him being in there at all."
That doesn't seem right to her. Even barely knowing Mineva, she could feel things about her through that bond, even if it wasn't direct, even if it was through Banagher. Maybe it was because Char was such an incompatible personality to Sayla? She trusts her in this moment.
And then Sayla puts it together, that sadness, lowering herself down, and she lets Sayla hug her, as her own arms move around her in turn, closing her eyes, "It's okay. It's okay."
As she forgives her instantly, as she recognizes her own fault in this, "Just... I should have told you sooner. It felt like no matter how I did - it would reopen old wounds. I wanted to find a gentler timing but... there isn't one. I made us slow down, tried to keep him from digging too deep... but it got stronger anyway, during that time my walls came down at the hospital."
Pause and...
"I suck at keeping them up when I'm crying, you know?"
She takes a deep breath, while clinging to her, "It's not- not so bad. It's not..." Casval startled her, and Leina switches instantly to something easier for her, "... Char. Or..."
There's this bewilderment about her, like she's all mixed up still thinking about it, even if she's less so than before. She was going to say Lalah, but she just trails off and shifts to who it is for her, "... It's Mineva Lao Zabi." Leina tells her, and there's hesitation, because she knows no matter how she tells her this, she's going to think of Lalah Sune. "There's... no animosity between us. No jealousy. We're all new to this, and it's going to take some figuring out. It's just, it's... it's so much."
Leina seems to slump against Sayla. Even for all the positive she feels about this, the enormity of how it's going to control her life from now on just is not something she's fully processed. "I... It helps that I've been thinking about her... a lot, for eight years. It does."
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
"I..." Sayla pauses, as though Leina has asked her something impossible. But... they deserve to know, don't they? "...I promise. I'll call them." She's... dreading those calls. But it is, ultimately, a very simple ask. And Leina asks for so so little that Sayla can do this.
"...He was going through a lot himself then. Being restricted to Earth was killing him, there was all the press for that first year- and the only work he could get was with the Federation as a piloting instructor. He hated being back in the cockpit... Back then, he said he wanted to go into engineering as a civilian, but I think the Federation may have blacklisted him. They were so scared of what a 'Newtype' might do, could do."
Something's clear now, that all the walls are focused on 'Casval'. Sayla does feel failed, but she also feels like *she* failed Amuro. "...We didn't have much privacy, and Amuro never mentioned Lalah to me while he was awake and..." She catches herself about to lie to herself, and by extension Leina. She could handle the former, but not the latter, not when she's already lied to her once in a conversation where Sayla invited her to learn the truth. "...And I just didn't want to bring her up. I thought she might move on one day, and we could just... be a normal couple. But it only got worse, especially after Operation Stardust. Being trapped on Earth was killing him and trying to help him was taking chunks out of me. ...So it was less painful to both of us for me to walk away."
Sayla doesn't say anything regarding the connection to Char. It's easier to take on Leina's pain right now. She listens, gently running her hand side to side on Leina's back. "I know, Leina. I know." She sighs inwardly. She had suspected as much when Leina requested those papers. And then the phone call. What trouble had she dropped in Nanai's lap? Sayla catches the slump, and supports her.
"Leina... this is going to be hard. But you're all alive. You can work this out. And I'll provide all the help I can, okay? I've got you, and Judau's got you, and Roux's got you. You'll work this out, like you have everything else."
She doesn't manage to hide the wish that the Zabi family would leave her family out of this...
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"Thank you." And however upset Leina might be to learn she hasn't talked to them in so long, relief spreads on her face. She has full trust that if she promises, that she'll do it. Especially on something like this.
And then she listens to her talk, about Amuro, about his feelings, about his needs. About how he was being crushed. About how trying to help him was taking chunks out of her.
It's so difficult to listen to.
Because it feels like it's all about Amuro in this moment. It feels like she's being more fair to him, and not to herself. It feels like she isn't being kind to her own suffering.
She's speechless for a time. It's perhaps yet another realization of how similar the two can be. If she were in that situation herself, how she might react like Sayla.
She remembers the conversations when Shiro started neglecting her, taking her for granted, and she was in denial.
All of those walls up when it comes to Casval. She figures - it's because something she doesn't want to share of the bond. She doesn't dig deeper.
She doesn't address this any of in the moment because of how Sayla puts one and two together to make three. And for a while she just holds her, and it feels to her like Sayla is resigned.
Sayla feels the slow nod against her shoulder as she buries her face in there for a time, "You're right and... I... I really do feel good about this. I do. I just... it feels so much bigger than me. I trusted what you were saying but..."
But it feels like nothing could have prepared her for what she's going through now. Not even hearing how much it made Sayla suffer.
Slowly however, she releases the hug, but before Sayla can go too far, she takes both of her hands and holds them - Foras just settles in despite the cruel neglect. He always was attuned to both of them.
"Everything you just told me about Amuro. It was all about being fair to him." Leina tells her, while looking her right in the eyes. "His pain. His needs. His privacy. You gave up so much for him." There's something devastatingly sad in her voice, in the shift in her tone, "And all you can think about is how you failed him. However, all I can think about is how he failed you. Because you suffered so much in silence, until it was too much, and it sounds like he didn't give back even half of what you gave him."
There's something sparkling in her eyes, like she's in danger of crying again, "Please. After this. After you bring him back. Forgive yourself. Be kind to yourself. Let. Yourself. Heal."
And indeed, twin tears fall, as she says, "And let's finally move forward from Axis, together."
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
It's a lot for Leina to carry. "...If Banagher and Miss Zabi feel at all the way you do... then you can do this. It's too much for one person, but that's why there's three of you. I'm still going to worry, but I worried with Shiro too. Less, but I still worried."
Leina takes her hands, including the one in a cast, and Sayla realizes Leina's going to tell her something serious. She can hear the sadness, see it in her eyes. Her left hand tightens around Leina's right. She bites back rebuttals coming to the tip of her tongue. Comments like 'that's not fair to him' come to mind, and Leina's word stops them in her tracks. Sayla is silent for a long, long time.
"...I'll try." She wants to promise she will. She wants to give Leina that. But she's lied once, and she's made oen promise she can't guarantee she'll deliver in.
She's not going to make one that she knows she can't. Not to Leina. Never to Leina.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"They do. They do." Leina tries to reassure her, quietly, "...but..." There's this moment where her eyes close at this admission, "... you already know Banagher, and I'm almost completely certain this is Mineva's first relationship too by how she was acting. I'm the eldest, and the most experienced. There's going to be a lot on me at first."
It's a small step perhaps, ultimately, just admitting from the start that there's going to be a lot more responsibility on her end, a lot more emotional labor.
"They'll both have those... first relationship fantasies tied up in their being. Banagher said he felt Mineva was his soul mate within minutes of meeting her."
There's a light sigh, and Sayla doesn't feel jealousy coming from Leina at that, just this sense of how much work this is going to be for her.
"We'll get through this. I'll be sure to... share the burden as much as I can."
Leina's especially gentle with the hand in the cast of course, it's just a tiny squeeze of her fingertips, whereas the other, her right hand is much tighter. She can feel it, Sayla struggling with this.
'... I'll try.'
And there's something that looks both shocked and heartbroken in Leina's eyes, that she can so readily promise to come back alive from Amuro - a promise she can't keep, but all she can say is she'll try when it comes to this. She closes her eyes, and just asks quietly, "If that's not enough. Then what will it take?"
She asks her after a moment, and it's clear she's not angry at her, for this idea that she can only try. Nor frustrated. That it's something more impossible for her than coming back alive with the Conqueror King purified. She's just sad at Sayla's unhappiness - sad at her own helplessness to bring her further away from the brink. If bringing back Amuro isn't enough to heal the wounds Axis inflicted upon Sayla, then what is?
What's making Sayla suffer so much?
"Please, if there's anything I can do. No matter what it is. If there's... something you're holding back. Some reason you're suffering that I'm not seeing... Please, tell me."
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
Leina's assertion that the's the oldest and most experienced leads to... Sayla suppressing a chuckle, inappropriate as it would be. "Leina... You've been single for less than a year and have had a single long term relationship. You're not the voice of experience in this relationship you're trying to position yourself as. This is also your first polygamous relationship. You're just as green at this as they are, and you need to remember that. Give yourself room to mess up and ask people who know more."
The mood shifts, though and Sayla goes silent again. "I'm sorry." She shakes her head. She knows she's failing Leina right now, too. "This isn't... something you can help with. And you shouldn't have to." She pauses. There has to be something she can tell her. Something that will at least help Leina understand, without telling her... that.
Maybe... she should just voice that fear. It might make it real, but it would ease Leina's suffering. "...I keep wondering..." Sayla's body is tense. It hurts her to say it. It hurts her so much. Leina can feel it, this horrible, agonizing pain, fear and... hope?
"If Amuro came into contact with Triple Zero... What if it wasn't just him?"
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Leina lets out an exasperated sigh as Sayla makes an extremely good point about the hole in her relationship experience, "Point taken." Pause, "The voice of maturity then." As she gives Sayla look that almost dares her to say she's not more mature than both of them. Which is probably true, but she's simultaneously proving it in a way that's so painfully teenager.
Sayla apologises, and tells her it's not something she can help with, or that she should...
"I... who then?"
There's no pride in Leina on this point, it doesn't have to be her that saves Sayla Mass from herself. That finds her way back from the happiness.
"If not-"
Leina stops, letting Sayla give voice to her fear. And there's...
... that mix of emotions, right before Sayla gives voice to the same fear she's had, but could not voice.
And Leina's just stunned, her green eyes startled and wide, releasing the last of the wellspring of tears, but in this moment - even that feels like it's stopped after that. It's not for the idea that he could come back that has her so shocked.
"Oh my God." There's a certain dawning horror and awe in her voice.
"Some part of you is hoping..."
There are no further words for a moment, it's so much, it's too much.
The idea that Sayla was grieving Char Aznable on some level.
Wordlessly Leina actually leans forward, despite the pain, there's a grimace on her expression, as she puts an arm around Sayla right at the shoulderblades, and pulls her back into another hug.
"...I'm sorry. I should have realized, the moment you told me about the four of you-... I'm sorry."
She doesn't get it. Not really. She can't get it. Sayla's obfuscation works.
She believes it's entirely the Newtype Bond between all of them.
How does someone validate a person who wants Char Aznable to be alive on some level?
"Of course you're grieving more than just..."
Like this.
It's like swallowing a bitter pill of poison that causes physical, visceral pain. She just argued the other day with someone who lays claim to being Char Aznable over the phone. Three years ago the man revealed a revived Neo-Zeon - the nation that brought her and her brother and their friends so much pain - only days before her birthday. He dropped an Asteroid on Tibet on her birthday. He forced Amuro into a duel with him that so thoroughly destroyed the happiness of the life they've built together.
"... just Amuro." She whispers.
And it doesn't matter to her that she has to swallow it. She does it instantly, without hesitation, for the sake of someone she loves. Her arm tightens around her, and that sorrow builds within her at this false yet true enough epiphany over her pain.
There's something mournful in her voice as she grips her and holds her close, "... Oh Sayla. I'm so sorry."
Whether it's for her grief from before, or for the fact that Leina falsely believes that Sayla's bond forces her to love a man like Char Aznable? To feel hope at the idea he might return?
"...I'm so sorry."
<Pose Tracker> Sayla Mass has posed.
Sayla's already moving forward to meet Leina when she starts to lean, to stop her hurting herself to comfort her. Because she will. She'll always hurt herself to help those she cares about. And then she starts to talk and Sayla's eyes go wide. "Leina, that's..."
She stops herself. Is it kinder to tell her the truth? To put her at risk? To have to deal with that burden? Or is the kindness to let Leina believe the story she just made for herself?
As she holds Leina silently, Sayla makes her choice. Once again, Sayla Mass lies to Leina... and herself.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Leina just holds her back in reply, not sensing the falsehood, only the complicated feelings in the moment...
"It's okay. I'll never tell a soul."
And indeed, on some level it is extremely hard to imagine a scenario even risking this coming out even with the most basic of walls. There are so many strong negative associations she has with Char, to Axis Shock, to Neo-Zeon. What scenario could possibly dredge this out of her?
"If you ever need to talk... or grieve... just let me know. I'm here for you, always, no matter what it is. No matter who it is. I promise."
Pause.
"You don't have to suffer alone when it comes to him, any longer."