2024-08-08: Kikka's Concerns, Leina's Honesty
- Log: 2024-08-09
- Cast: Kikka Kobayashi, Leina Ashta
- Where: Fujinomiya City
- OOC - IC Date: IC Date: 02 August, 0099
- Summary: Leina receives a call from Yuliana Kafim while on a date with Kikka. The two of them have a difficult conversation about what that means. Takes place within 2024-08-02: Yuliana's Persistance'. (CW: Heavy mention of marital abuse and trauma.)
<Pose Tracker> Kikka Kobayashi has posed.
If she'd been a little more selfish, Kikka could have been content with Leina just ignoring the phone, and continuing with the date, especially since it's going so well. But if she did that, there'd just be that nagging feeling for the whole rest of the date - like, what if it's some kind of emergency she's keeping Leina from?
As Leina gets up, Kikka slides over and keeps her balance in sitting up on her own. Seeing that long stare at the phone and hearing that sigh, she needs no special intuition to know that whoever's calling... is probably bad news. Though what Kikka had in mind was closer to some kind of work-related call, or maybe someone from Asticassia who found her number, not...
"...Yuliana Kafim?" Kikka's eyes widen in surprise, as she tries to process it. She knows the name - Terminal has plenty of information about her 'work', and she even ran into her at a Yumi Foundation event before the reality criminal reputation really took hold. "No way... how come she's calling you?" It's more disbelief than anger, and Kikka does close her eyes and shake her head after she asks.
"It's not that I'm... you know, mad or anything." She clarifies. "But I'd be totally lying if I said I wasn't concerned." She decides on, giving Leina what's a lot closer to look of worry than suspicion. "I'm not going to demand an explanation, but I do... want to know if you feel safe." Because while she knows about Yuliana as someone who preyed on Newtypes, she doesn't know the whole story... and she'll leave that up to Leina.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
For what it's worth, Leina gives Kikka a sheepish look, before clicking her phone back to being locked again, and heading back to sit down beside her.
"You might be after you hear all the context." Leina tells her honestly, "But, I'd be concerned too, if I were in your position."
She looks like she's gathering her thoughts together for a while, before sighing, and shaking her head.
"The short version is that- well you've probably heard some of this from your work with Kai and Terminal. She's a Cyber-Newtype victim of a unique experiment, trapped in an abusive situation that started with the REA, and is now continuing with the woman she married."
She starts patting her hands together in a sorta slow rhythm, perhaps a sign of anxiety, as she admits, "A real dangerous one. Like 'end of the world' or 'this reality' kind of dangerous." She doesn't go into detail on that one as there's no way Kikka missed that one, given that the North Pole just became all Green one day.
"Yeah Cathedra's named her a Witch, and I can't even really dispute that at all? Her situation is dangerous, to everyone... but..."
There's this, shrug, of her shoulders - that might strike Kikka as looking a little helpless by her body language. "... I'm still trying to save her? I arranged for her to get therapy secretly in one of Cathedra's few blind spots - in the hopes that, well - she might see the light, and leave her wife? Then I'd - do what I could to broker a deal between her and Cathedra."
After a moment there's a shake of her head, "She... stopped going to therapy though, relapsed and went back to her wife... became a founding member of that new terrorist group that's making waves, Dawn of Fold. You know the group that-"
She looks embarrassed again, "-well you saw what my mobile suit looked like after, when we had to swing by Von Braun for repairs."
She pauses, to look at Kikka and gauge her response.
<Pose Tracker> Kikka Kobayashi has posed.
"Well. I'm going to do my best to approach it all with a clear head," Kikka nods, slowly, when Leina admits she might be mad after hearing the context. "But... I know you, Leina. And I know you wouldn't just.. get involved with her without a really good reason." That's really the best way she can keep her cool here, by placing her trust in Leina, as worrying as it all sounds.
Kikka lets Leina take her time on gathering her thoughts, while she processes it - she bets Leina wasn't expecting to get blindsided by this in the middle of a date, either. "Yeah, some of it," She nods, as to her work with Kai and Terminal. "But it's more the broad strokes of it. What she's done - what makes her and her wife so dangerous." She frowns. "I can't say I know much about the fine details of her marriage situation..."
Indeed, she's well aware of what happened at the North Pole, and Cathedra's response isn't surprising. She always wondered about the 'why' of their reality crimes, and hearing that an abusive marriage sits at the heart of it doesn't sit right with her. Kikka just takes a deep breath when Leina admits she was still trying to save Yuliana. "I kind of thought that might be it. You think you'd... regret it if you didn't try, don't you?" She asks, pointedly.
Her frown deepens when Leina explained she stopped going to therapy. That she's a member of the Dawn of Fold - a group Terminal is no doubt watching. "It barely even looked like a mobile suit anymore," She just smiles wry, at Leina's embarrassment of the state of her mobile suit, perhaps to mask her worry.
"So she's dangerous.. but she's also in danger," Kikka says, in summary. "And you think if you can just get her out of that danger, she might not be so dangerous anymore." Leina's logic, it at least makes sense. But she knows that if it backfires, it could be Leina alone who will be stuck in the line of fire. "Can you just promise me one thing? I just.. want you to be careful." She doesn't doubt Leina's using her best judgement, but... just the idea of the kind of person Elisa Kafim is, and what she can do to someone, obviously worries her.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
'A really good reason.'
It feels like that on most days at least, but... the idea that it's a good reason feels like it's tested more and more lately.
"It's, complicated." Leina says at first of the fine details of the 'marital bliss.' To indicate not that she's unwilling to talk about it, just that it's 'a conversation unto itself.'
"Mmm." Leina nods once, at the idea she'd regret it if she didn't try. "I guess it's - there are days when I wonder what Elpeo would be like, if she'd lived another twenty years in Neo-Zeon."
It's a touchy subject, that one, but it would be unfair if she left it out... "I dunno, they're entirely different people, but I don't think they'd look that dissimilar either?"
She rubs her face with her hand, "And like... she tried to save me once, during all that with Vist, while I was in that whole 'Puru-1' space." She looks forward embarrassed, "She also abandoned me too. Just before that. Had me cornered, dead to rights, knew what I was involved in - and I freaked out. It would have been as easy as just... tying me up and dropping me off, but... she didn't take that rejection well."
'Even though it was due to brainwashing.'
There's this sorrowful look in her eyes, "I guess - it's hard to forgive that one, but Elpeo acted badly too? Like she tried to kill me... like... where do you go - 'that's too much'? 'It's not acceptable'? Where's... the line? Do we just abandon someone for acting as erratically as they were raised to be?"
A shake of her head, and a sigh, before she then eyes Kikka, looking amused, "I guess you won't exactly be moved by the fact I 'won' that fight?" She knows 'probably not' after all, the fact that she was that badly beaten up means she was that close to death.
Kikka recounts it, dangerous but in danger, and she nods at the description, "Yeah, that sums it up. Full disclosure... It's dangerous beyond that too. Like, if Cathedra finds out - they won't be happy. It could compromise their faith in me and the deal we made... which... carries it's own dangers to Magallanica and Terminal."
She could have just not mentioned it, but that feels unfair to Kikka... especially given her affiliation.
Her promise though?
"I... promise." She tells her, cautiously, "I'd like to think I'm already doing that but... I can't say my emotions don't get the best of me sometimes, when dealing with her situation."
She stares at the opposite wall, "The last time I saw Elpeo she was trying to murder me - but then there was a moment, when I thought we could be family together."
There's a weak smile at that one, "Then I felt her die, distantly... I wasn't even there. So promising that... it's like, what does being careful even mean here?"
Again the sadness creeps in.
"Last time I was laid up in a hospital bed... this time, do I just... let her go?"
<Pose Tracker> Kikka Kobayashi has posed.
Kikka nods quietly when Leina says 'it's complicated'. Sometimes, it's hard for Kikka to imagine a marriage that isn't complicated, that completely lacks any external or internal problems. Of course, even without taking the crimes against reality into account, the Kafim marriage sounds like 'complicated' is putting it lightly.
Elpeo Puru... Kikka also had a feeling that Leina hadn't entirely moved on from what happened to that girl, might never fully move on. Can she really blame her? She shifts a little, looking down, and then back up towards Leina. "I don't.. fully get it, but I think I see where you're coming from at least. People in similar situations often cope with it in similar ways. And if those coping mechanisms are all they know..." She can't fault Leina for trying to prevent another tragedy.
But at the idea that Yuliana could have saved Leina from being Puru-1, only to abandon her, Kikka meets Leina's embarrassed gaze, and then closes her open palm. "I admit, it's hard to just... accept that, hearing that she basically left you to your fate while you're trying so hard for her right now." She shakes her head, and then hears Leina's perspective on it.
"I can't say there's a straight line at all. Elpeo was only a child and Yuliana is an adult woman... but that only makes it more tragic that this is the only way they both know how to be." She agrees - that's one thing she's learned in her line of work. She meets Leina's sorrowful gaze. "But I don't think knowing when to take a step back is the same as abandoning someone, either." Even if it can truly feel like it.
"Not a chance. Winning your fight doesn't mean much if you aren't there to see it, after all." Kikka replies to Leina's amusement. That's just her way of saying she's glad Leina was only 'close' to death instead of right in the face of it - even if she understands Leina does need to fight sometimes.
Likka also nods when Leina puts forth the danger of Cathedra finding out, and what it poses for Terminal. "I appreciate the warning, if nothing else... even if I'm sure you're smart enough not to get caught." If anything, she just wishes that deal didn't have to hinge so much on Leina alone, put this much pressure on her.
"Thanks." She smiles with some hesitation, when Leina agrees to keep that promise. "It's... not like I don't trust you." She adds. This is the kind of thing they agreed to be open about. "...It's just the kind of danger you're throwing yourself towards that worries me. What someone like Elisa Kafim would do if she decides she won't stay passive anymore." Part of her, from her experience in intelligence, is worried that Elisa could become more abusive in response... which might not be beyond the truth.
But that sadness coming from Leina is really hard to ignore, and Kikka gives her a sympathetic look. "You don't need to let go. But if you reach your hand out, and another never comes in return... what will you do?" She asks, tilting her head.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
She hasn't moved on. Not really. A little - but not enough.
Eventually she just nods, "Is that what I'm doing?" She asks with only this, hint of mirth, "Coping?"
But after a moment that falls, and she smiles at her, "I promised honest communication before, so... if I'll explain as long as it takes, for you to be satisfied."
Whether it's 'get it' or 'not'... she understands, it might just be something that someone else just can't get, because it's too personal, but she wants to try...
Kikka notes it's hard for her to just... accept that, "You and... Doctor Hinoki are the only two I've told, because... well, it's easy to imagine how most people might take it."
She lowers her gaze at her hands, "I mean even Elpeo... she was a child, but I was shot - bleeding out, and she tried to lead me away, so I'd just die. Then when I realized it - tried to strangle me with a pipe."
There's this small, broken chuckle, "I mean I guess it's easier to accept because she's dead or because she was a kid acting badly. But - I know how it sounds like - why would I fixate on someone like that?"
A beat.
"Not just what it says about her, what it says about me?" Both hands rub her eyes, as she nods...
"Yeah like, academically, I know that. It's not abandoning her - it's... I know in my head I've gone above and beyond. Endangered myself countless times- like the things her wife could do to me alone? The things Yuliana herself could do to me up close?"
She doesn't even have to really... spell it out, how dangerous both of them are.
She winces as Kikka notes that, "Yeah I thought that one wouldn't be very persuasive." She winks at her, "If Judau tried it on me, I'd have said the same thing."
There's a pause, and a nod-
"Yeah - like it'd rely on Benerit doing an inspection of the PPL, basically. Which, even if they own the land, that's politically fraught right now."
Yuliana could turn her in, she supposes? But any evidence she presents would not be likely to be believed, after all - she has known Internet Memelord, Parminder with her.
The idea it's fabricated to try and blow up a critical Earthsphere defense deal would be strong.
"Still I don't wanna act like it couldn't happen? Anyone can be careful, but trying to hide things like that..."
There's this weak smile, "... well, I think at least it'd be a sign to myself that I'm taking it too far, if it really did endanger Magallanica's position."
Kikka tells her thanks, tells her that she trusts you, but... there's a nod, as she closes her eyes, "Yeah. I admit - I'm scared of that too. Like she abides by certain rules but at the same time, she's... capricious." She takes a deep breath, "Thanks." She adds, for trusting her.
The last question though...
"I... hm." She gives Kikka a worried look, and for a time she debates, but, honesty... "I'm not sure if I should worry more about it... not coming, and watching her sink."
A moment later...
"... or that it might come, but only to drag me down under too. It's like the old swimming adage of reach or throw... don't go, I guess." She sighs at her, "You know how much I love to swim but... I don't think I'd make a very good lifeguard."
Because, the temptation to go is just too strong for her, when she sees someone in that state.
<Pose Tracker> Kikka Kobayashi has posed.
"Can't deny the possibility," Kikka says, of this being a means of coping for Leina, though her tone doesn't suggest she thinks poorly of it. It's where one's coping mechanisms take someone that she's more concerned about - she even has to think about her own, sometimes.
"Yeah... I appreciate it. I know... this isn't easy on you? Having to explain all this. Having to dive this deep into it." But even still, she'll do her best to understand it, because Leina is trying. "I'm sure it's not what either of us were expecting to talk about tonight, but... I know it's important." Her own promise was to be there for Leina for both the good and bad.
She keeps her focus on Leina, when she explains she and her therapist, Dr. Hinoki, were the only people she told this. "Right..." She nods, about what others might do with that information. "But it's your choice now, especially since it happened... when you didn't have that choice." She feels it's important for Leina to have that agency too, even if she doesn't want to see her hurt.
The full story of how Elpeo tried to kill Leina is definitely... a lot, Kikka giving a dismayed look at the idea of that level of cruelty from a 10-year old. And she can't really answer why she would fixate on her, or what it says about Leina, at first. "...I guess it shows you think everyone deserves that chance to be happy," She says, definitely NOT knowing about Elpeo's specific words back then, "But you shouldn't forget about your own either."
Kikka does laugh at Leina's resigned wince, and wink as she likens it to her own brother. "That kind of recklessness really runs in the family after all," She replies with all the respect in the world for the Ashta family.
Leina's political assessment of the consequences of sheltering Yuliana are sound - Yuliana's word as a terrorist is naturally going to have a lot less sway than Leina's. But the possibility is still there... "I really hate weighing things like this, but it becomes a lot harder to save one person when it puts a colony of millions at risk." Kikka sighs. "I hope it never comes to that." She knows not of the goose-related danger about to hit Magallanica in around two week's time.
Kikka gives Leina a gentle smile when she thanks her for trusting her, but it narrows a bit when Leina talks about the risk Elisa presents. "Considering the type of wife you say she is, hard to believe any rule comes above just the desire for... control." Kikka doesn't even know much about Elisa's motives outside the marriage, but that feels like a safe bet.
Leina looks worried about her last question, and presents another - worse possibility. "That's... that's not impossible either." Kikka frowns, looking away, briefly. "Maybe not." She adds, about being a good lifeguard. "Just means it's better... not to jump the diving board alone. It's just as important to have people who can pull you back, too, right?" It's a role she's been taking on in this conversation, but she means it a little more broadly - just the idea of holding onto a support network. But that only circles back to Yuliana pushing her own away, doesn't it?
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"Pfft." She smiles at that, after a moment, because to her - the way Kikka answered is a little funny.
"Hey, no." She leans over and laces her fingers in Kikka's hand, "It's okay - really - it's not about how easy it is on me." She tells her, making eye contact, "You found out something concerning. You deserve that deep dive into the truth, whether it's easy or not."
There's a moment where her smile just has this rueful quality to it, "You deserve to know what's going on - what you're getting into too. It's your first relationship right? And maybe you learn something about me that's a dealbreaker for you... and that's okay if it is."
A soft chuckle, "Well - I mean I'd be disappointed, sure - but there's always gonna be things about someone you're with you don't like... everyone has to figure out if, putting it altogether, whether they're who they want to be with, or not."
It's her choice, especially since it happened when she didn't have a choice. And Leina sighs at that, "Yeah... that's why it's, hard? I struggle on how I feel about it on any given day. Sometimes I just want to... tell her off forever, and sometimes I feel like I'm the worst person for wanting that... and sometimes I just - I debate whether I should forgive her. I was... not myself, when it happened. I'm... all over the place on who I should even tell - because it's like... maybe I still can't even trust how I feel about it?"
Kikka describing Elpeo's situation causes, there's a visible flinch, from Leina at her words about everyone deserving to be happy.
"... Well... she did say it's my turn." Leina murmurs at that, not really... explaining the context of that, but she doesn't look... like it is her turn, to be happy.
Like she hasn't figured out what that means for her, really.
How can one be happy with a world like this? How does one get by day to day?
"Oof." She actually does manage a grin now at her on the recklessness, "Wish I could deny it, but even back then - I was running after my brother while he was committing crimes in scrapyards to drag him back."
Sometimes even when Neo-Zeon was attacking...
"Unlike Judau I try to be responsibly reckless." Is that... a thing?! It sounds like an oxymoron.
That grin fades into something more subdued, "Yeah exactly. I don't like making life one big trolley problem? It's too cynical... it's not fair even when it's just one person on the tracks versus, everyone else."
And yet, Yuliana is making it that way, her and Elisa, aren't they? Killing Yuliana would perhaps be the simplest way to thwart Elisa's plans, given what she knows but...
... but... she can't...
"And once you do it's like - how many people become that one person against billions? How much easier is it to throw the switch next time?"
There's a shake of her head, with a sigh, she just can't... let herself be that kind of cynical.
Those words on Elisa though elicit a nod out of her, "Yeah... like, I get told I shouldn't try to judge her as if she were in a human relationship but... the more I hear about it, the more it feels very human... she gets jealous, and manipulative - uses abuser tactics. Like, how else can I see her behavior?"
Kikka tells her that it's- better not to jump off alone, and she chuckles, "That's... the thing I guess. It's like I feel, obligated to risk what - I wouldn't ask others to, for her sake." She looks, embarrassed about that, "I recognize the double standard there, but I know... you're right. The only way it's not some... stupid self-sacrificial thing... is to do it with help."
...
...
...
Patting Kikka's hand, she does say, "I don't regret you finding out... just sad she interrupted our date." She says with a smile, "Talking about my hangsups and how stupid I can be sometimes isn't as fun as making out with you."
<Pose Tracker> Kikka Kobayashi has posed.
Leina's smile alone - gets a smile out of Kikka too. It's always contagious like that. And it softens when Leina takes her hand, and assures her that it's okay. "Yeah... I guess you're right. It's... definitely a lot to hear? But I'd rather us be able confront that truth together." She locks her own fingers into Leina's, as if to empathize the 'together'.
Kikka considers what she says next, and while her feelings on the situation still aren't entirely organized... she can still admit that. "I'm... still not entirely sure how to feel about all this. But I don't think I'd call it a dealbreaker. I..." She looks just slightly down at Leina.
"Still want to be with you. Maybe it's because you're so honest about these things," She considers Leina's expertise on how it's subjective what is and isn't a dealbreaker. "I feel better being able to move forward together, knowing that. And I want to be there for you too, you know?" Kikka doesn't want Leina to face this alone, but she also feels like she can be honest if she was doing something she wasn't sure about.
"Honestly... they're probably all true of how you feel, to some extent." Kikka considers, of how Leina's own opinion on whether to forgive Yuliana constantly seems to change. "Emotions are just... so complicated, aren't they?" She gives her a wistful smile of reassurance. "But they're yours."
'Her turn to be happy'... it shouldn't have had to be that way, but Leina's the one left alive with all that baggage. "Ah... are those the words she left behind?" Kikka gives her a sad look. One that still suggests she hopes Leina can find that happiness, without it being at the expense of another.
"Oh, that's a new one," Kikka is quick to point out, about responsible reckless, with a slight laugh even. "Haha... I bet next, you're going to tell me all the risks you take are calculated." She grins.
"Yeah, no... that's not how we tend to solve problems in Magallanica, either. If we don't treat anyone who takes refuge there's lives as irreplaceable, it isn't such a safe haven after all. Gotta remember that even when I'm working intelligence." She notes her own opinion about the Trolley Problem worldview. "But what do you do when someone takes themselves hostage, throws themselves on the tracks to force a decision? I'm still not sure." Kikka frowns - she's an ordinary person at heart, so she could probably never coldly decide someone's fate like that, not even someone like Yuliana.
Leina also notes how human of an abuser Elisa is, which gives Kikka pause. "It's horrible," is all she can really say about her tactics. "She learned how to become human in the worst way possible."
She's glad Leina seems to take her advice to heart, though, even if it's with some embarassment. "It.. shouldn't be an obligation. And it's definitely not stupid to feel that way. But I understand what you're saying." She brushes Leina's hand with her own, softly, with clear affection. "There's a limit to what I can do, but if it's something I can... feel free to lean on me a little."
...
"Terribly rude of her, but it's all right. Summer's not nearly over yet, and..." Feeling the pat on her hand, Kikka feels bad about being just a little needy about the affection, but that quickly fades with Leina's next words. Kikka just blinks a couple times with a faint blush - but doesn't overreact, having gotten quite used to - and enjoying Leina's brand of teasing. "Calling yourself stupid and hitting me with that in the same sentence? Still not fair... I'm going to get you for that." She concludes, smiling right back.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Indeed, that smile remains, for a time but... "I'm glad, but hey-" Leina looks at her, "-just know that you are there for me. It's why I feel so comfortable sharing this."
She gives her this vulnerable look, "I'm always so scared about how the people in my life will act upon things."
And indeed when you have Judau Ashta, he who fought so hard to save her... Sayla Mass, who would kill for her... and previously, Banagher Links, who could do miracles that scared the whole Earthsphere.
One can understand why, perhaps.
"Don't think I don't understand what it's like, trying to support someone out there in a goddamned mobile suit, when you're not piloting one yourself. ... So please - keep me updated going forward - I don't want you to feel like you're ever not doing enough to support me, because of that."
She says quietly, "It got to be too much for me." She admits.
Still, she listens to what Kikka says, and talks back on some, confirming that's what Elpeo said to her... when Judau saved her.
"Ugh- come on. I'm not even that good at math." She teases her back on that one, but she's definitely being humble because even if she's not a math person beyond statistics and basic algebra, she studied hard and made the grade.
Eventually though...
As Kikka blushes, Leina smiles, as if far too pleased with herself, "Is that a promise? I'm free right now to get got."