2024-08-02: Yuliana's Persistence
- Log: Yuliana's Persistence
- Cast: Yuliana Kafim, Leina Ashta
- Where: Fujinomiya / The Silent Castle (Video call)
- Date: 2024-08-02
- Summary: Yuliana is a horrible person in a horrible situation, and Leina can't bring herself to draw a boundary against someone who needs her. (CW: Emotional manipulation, domestic abuse, cluster B externalising)
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
OST: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZtAbTub3rYQ Icon For Hire - Fix Me
A few days ago -- not so long after the Silent Castle Support Group disbanded their first meeting -- Yuliana pulled out her phone, and stared at it for the next thirty minutes.
If she asks Leina what to do... will she just tell her she's doing something wrong?
Probably... but...
> Would it be ok if you called me ?
If she's nice about it, she can't possibly yell at her more.
Except, of course, that Tuesday melds into Wednesday, and there's still no reply. Yuliana flings a plate across the room in her building irritation, but luckily, Parminder is so used to it he doesn't even blink.
He does pull out a pair of cards, though, to display: 4 10
"WHY DO YOU HAVE THAT?!" Yuliana yells at him, which only makes him laugh harder.
With heroic effort, she waits until the end of the day to send another message:
> Are you still mad????
She can't possibly know that Leina has an entirely different self-absorbed troublemaker to be mad at, that night.
And then Wednesday goes into Thursday, and Yuliana doesn't focus on her phone for most of it, because she's too busy focusing on her wife. Elisa is, as always, all too nice to her, with a delightful private breakfast followed by relaxing in a lovely hot bath, and then rearranging Sokrova's cat gym with the children later in the morning. It's only after their usual family lunch that she remembers she's anxious about the call she still hasn't received, despite being incredibly nice and considerate about it, which is frankly unfair.
(Everyone should do what she wants when she's nice to them. It's only proper for them to reward her trying like that. The idea that Leina might not want to talk to her after her... misconceptions... is simply beyond the pale.)
Before she can shift approaches, though, she looks at the angry screed she's typed out... and backspaces it, taking a deep, deliberate breath.
She shouldn't assume Leina is spurning her. What if she can't talk for some reason? What if she's suffering? It's hard to believe, when Yuliana's going through so much anxious torment, but isn't it possible Leina is also having a bad time?
And so, the message she actually sends, late into Thursday, is:
> Wait are you ok?? Did something happen???? Its ok you don't have to call if you have your own prolbems I just wanted to ask for advice but I'll be ok
> Just let me know if youre in trouble plaese
> I was worrying
Okay, she wasn't worrying about Leina as much as about how Leina would treat her right up until she remembered Leina might also have feelings, but technically, all those words are arranged in the right order.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
As Yuliana messaged, slowly Leina slides her phone out of her bag, tapping in the code under the table, as she glances at the message.
Only for a shadow to fall over her, of a man with crossed arms, "Ashta I think I'm jealous of how popular you are." Kenanji Avery teased, "I bet I don't get half as many texts from handsome guys and beautiful women as you do."
Leina looks like a deer in the headlights for a moment, before saying in a chagrined tone, "No such luck I'm afraid."
He does smile affably as he notes more seriously, "No phones out during a briefing." He notes to her, "I'll let it slide since, first offense... I know how burdensome it must be for a young lady like yourself to go without for a whole shift."
Avery stepped away again, before telling the room, "Now let's talk layout-"
Leina listened, feeling a buzz growing louder, and louder in her ears, part of her thinking not of the upcoming raid...
... but of eyes, staring right at her. And they hate her and all that she is.
-=-=-
It's not like she didn't think about it, of course she thought about it, it was just the next day that the message came through, and this time it's her at lunch at the PLANTS, at a nice little French themed cafe.
She must have been staring at the phone for too long.
"Pollito? Is it work?" "Uh- nah." She tried to smile, "Nothing like that." She slid it back into her purse. "If it's something bothering you..." Leina answered after a moment, "It is but... it's something maybe I'd be better off just ignoring."
Leina smiles at her Mother, "Look, gotta go. This was nice - I'm just gonna miss my flight to our staging point if I linger any longer." She winks at her as she stands up and grabs her purse, "With any luck, I'll be in Fujinomiya by tomorrow. Should I say Hi to Kikka and Fraw for you?"
The whole flight she toyed with answering but... ultimately... didn't...
-=-=-
The vibrational buzz of the silenced phone was quite audible, audible enough that one young woman paused, "Important?" The other - Leina, a touch breathless, said, "No." As she leaned forward, her lips moving towards the other's...
When it buzzed again.
"It could be urgent." Kikka noted to her, and Leina paused as if there was a doubt implanted in her head before replying huskily, "Not as urgent as this." As Kikka blushed faintly, "That's so not fair." Leina's lips tried to close the gap again and...
Buzz.
... and was met with a worried look by Kikka, which is so much easier when she's that much taller than Leina, "Go check, okay? If we're doing this then I want both of us to be here right now."
Leina smiled, then leaned back, "Okay. Sure. Can't deny that logic." Sliding Kikka off of her lap, the fully clothed young woman got up and moved over to her bag, looking at her phone.
And just stared at it.
"Who is it?" Kikka asked after a moment and Leina sighed, dropping her phone back in her purse. "Yuliana Kafim..." She answered eventually...
... it may be a tough conversation but... she did promise her this kind of communication going forward.
-=-=-
It was a few hours later that Yuliana finally received her first message.
>im on a date rn
And then nothing else for hours, upon hours. It was FINALLY at about 2 AM in Fujinomiya that Leina made it to the PPL, sent her security detail to bed, and set up in a secure room.
Yeah she's finally just calling.
What Yuliana sees on the other end is that she has her makeup on, as well as a white blouse. She'd probably guess that it's been fixed.
Note that she never once answered if she's still mad or not. "It took about four hours to explain everything to my girlfriend about why you're even on my contacts list." She starts quietly, tone neutral.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Surely no one would be better off ignoring Yuliana. Leina certainly isn't earning any points with how much she's doing it. She's just lucky that she's such a good friend.
When a message does come through, though, it's kind of a reassurance she's all right. Even though Leina doesn't say those words, even though Yuliana specifically asked about it! But if she's on a date, she supposes, it must be fine.
Luckily, two am in Fujinomiya is just the middle of the afternoon on Kaffeklubben, so Yuliana doesn't have to ask Leina what time she thinks this is.
When the phone rings, she's been waiting. She answers promptly, which is the first hint she's still thinking about it, and props her phone up on the table beside the fainting couch. She's in her usual black robes -- with a black scarf tied around her neck.
"Hmm?" Yuliana sniffs, with a light frown. "She doesn't disapprove, does she?" And then she raises a hand, and shakes her head. "Well, I'd hope not, but I won't start that way," even though she CLEARLY JUST DID. Her own tone is surprisingly concilatory, when she starts again, if with an edge of anxiety to it. "I -- I am glad to see you're well, Leyasha. You... are well, yes? You didn't say anything for a few days, I was worried... you might have been weighed down by too many problems."
Not that Yuliana is a problem weighing her down, or anything.
"At first I thought you might still be mad," she barrels forward, "since Elya explained to me what happened, but -- but then I worried you were going through some trial or another. Though, I -- let me say that -- I am sorry I left you feeling so terribly," her frill wilts, and she diverts her gaze, before she looks back to the camera again. "I tried to think of some way to make it up to you... but everything I came up with would just distress you more, I guess." Murder. She came up with murder. Murder is what she came up. At least she knows better than to ask Leina if she wants Angelo dead?
Anyway, Elisa probably wouldn't like it. She just wouldn't know, because she discounted the idea as not being Leina-friendly before she brought it to her wife.
"I did try to give you some time," she adds, and can't stop from sounding a little wounded about it. "It's just... something's happened, and... you know how to deal with people like me," people like her?, "better than me. I didn't know what to do... so... but I can go," she adds, pressing her lips tightly together. "I can go. Do you want me to go away?"
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"She has concerns." Is Leina's neutral reply, because who wouldn't have concerns? "Mostly about my own well-being."
She doesn't keep going though, because the last thing she's going to do is 'incriminate' Kikka to Yuliana. Instead listening to her say she's glad to see she's well.
She doesn't immediately answer her when she asks if she's well, instead staring off into space beyond the screen.
There's the lapse of a breath, a fluttering of her eyelashes after a moment, like she's considering how to answer. "I'm well." She answers... but before she can elaborate on that one...
Yuliana barrels forward on telling her she thought she might be mad, and Leina looks back at her screen. Yuliana will see motion at least in the background, the subtle jostle of the screen.
It's enough information to know that Leina's standing, pacing even.
It's a good thing Yuliana didn't mention that MURDER was the remedy she came up with?
Yuliana then mentions that she tried to give her some time, before she raises an eyebrow on the 'people like me' because that's more of... a compromise than she's seen from Yuliana in some time.
There's another breath, then...
"No it's fine." She finally tells her, "I won't say I'm not still... frustrated. It's been... a bad week, tonight was supposed to be night away from it all." Her tone isn't that mixture of anger and disappointment - it's more calm, "You're with a terrorist organization again. And sure... whether it's Neo-Zeon or not, it's still got connections to it's remnants. You won't deny that much right?"
She asks succinctly, though it's better at least than you know... outright stating Yuliana works for Neo-Zeon.
"Plus every time you go back to Elisa, you backslide on your progress in therapy." She notes... and there's that blessed neutrality again, like she's...
... trying, to rein in how she feels about this, just some, enough that she's not yelling at least, "And I can't help but feel like that's by design, on her part."
But some things she feels she can't hold back anymore.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"If she's concerned for you, that's fine," Yuliana answers, diplomatically. "I... do understand what it must look like... with my reputation what it is. Since I care for your well-being, too, I wouldn't fault her for that." Oh, she might, if this mysterious girlfriend doesn't realise it was all a misunderstanding and she's just been judging her by rumours. But Yuliana wants Leina to stop being mad at her, and she won't get there by speaking ill of her girlfriend.
At least Yuliana looks reassured to hear that Leina is well, even if she's compelled to keep digging. Luckily, she doesn't dig deep enough to elaborate on her great assassination solution. She's... at least not saying everything that jumps to her head immediately?
Even if it's just because she's sick of Leina being mad at her.
"Ah... I interrupted that..." Yuliana sighs, her frill wilting again, hearing that Leina was trying to relax. "I couldn't have known... but I do feel bad." Still quite conciliatory, she adds: "I won't deny that one of the factions under our banner are associated with the Neo-Zeon remnants, no. Though I'm no more pleased about it than you are... if I were running things, they wouldn't have been invited in the first place." She's really quite sulky, about that.
She doesn't really think about the fact that she's just told a prestigious Cathedra agent about their secret terrorist organisation structure in the process. Particularly not when her mind gets set on Elisa, instead.
Her arms curl around her chest, folded over each other, grasping her elbows. "But things with Elisa have been very good," she says, quietly. "Ever since I had to tell Yaka I couldn't come any more, since I didn't want to bring all that scrutiny down on her people. I've just been at home since then... except for a couple of battles... and I left once to go see what the holdup with our spare part shipment was. And Elya's been treating me so well since then! We've spent so much time together, she's been so nice... even when I was feeling a little stressed, she took me out to a lovely volcanic island for my birthday, she even brought us back some birthday goats. She even," Yuliana pauses, "encouraged me to do more for our people, since a lot of them are concerned for their safety, these days."
It was Yuliana's idea, of course.
She hums through her lips, uncomfortable. "Mm... but..." She starts, and pauses, frill wilting as she looks away from the camera. "No, don't give me a look, I know that's not what you said," she says, wounded. "I... I'll admit that I think Elya is happier now I'm not going out for therapy all the time. She's gotten more possessive in her language, I guess... I think it's quite flattering, but... mm," she hums, again, pressing her lips together, and shaking her head. "She does... like it when I approach the world a certain way. She doesn't like me to fetter myself, or hold myself back... and by and large I'm fine with that, but I do -- I do know sometimes you need to restrain yourself to play nice with others. I've been trying to consider their feelings," she adds, with her own stab of frustration.
"But don't get me wrong," she adds, scowling. "Elya's said it's fine if I'm merciful, too. She doesn't just want me to be an icon of violence or anything."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
'that's fine,'
She almost answers 'It's more than just fine.' because she understands how it's more than just CONCERNING that she has a relationship with a terrorist from maybemaybe not Neo-Zeon.
That tried to you know, break reality.
Instead she just nods, because it's true right? Yuliana does care. Shouldn't that make her happy?
Elpeo probably only cared... right before...
Her eyes snap shut.
"Yeah." To 'I interrupted that' without trying to make her feel guilty at all. "You couldn't have known." She's being fair...
... being fair, justifying that she still has a life, outside of just trying to rehabilitate her.
She does also admit that there's a faction associated with Neo-Zeon, and while Leina herself isn't CONVINCED they're not just pawns of another attempt at Neo-Zeon III, the Trilogy...
... she at least doesn't escalate with an 'Aha' or 'I told you so.' It's, been a month? There's a sigh, "I'm still surprised you'd even consider it. You hate them so much, after Operation British. Is Elisa's desire for you to be there enough to overcome even that?" It's not asked in an acerbic tone or the like, but there's an accusation there - and it's not even directed at Yuliana perhaps. Not quite. There's enough ambiguity.
Is Yuliana's hate not enough to overcome Elisa's desire? Or does Elisa's desire override any amount of Yuliana's hate?
Things with Elisa though have been very good? Her fingers curl around the edge of the phone subtly, as she looks into it, "Sure, makes sense." Leina says, like it doesn't actually take away the idea that's also by Elisa's design. "After all... you did something she wants. It's not like that time with Rita, and Emptear."
Indeed, Leina believes that if Yuliana had spent much longer at the PPL, perhaps another similar incident might have occurred, she can't... know, it's just a feeling.
A pattern.
"I'm glad you had a good birthday though." She does say, "Goats. Heh." There's a tiny smile at that comment at least.
Yuliana does talk about her relationship more with Elisa...
But there's a little contradiction there that kinda gets to her...
"It's fine? But, it's not encouraged... or rewarded right?" Leina looks at the phone with a certain... worry? It's creeping into her tone again, it's better than anger, "Sorta like - you come home from therapy, and she's happier and so much more affectionate."
Lifting a hand, there's a balance there, moving it like a scale, "Violence gives you the version of Elisa you'd prefer, right? While mercy..."
She doesn't even say, because she doesn't have to.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
You break reality one time and suddenly everyone loses their heads about it!
(Okay, sure, fine, maybe more than one time.)
At least Leina is being fair. That makes all this... lowering, easier.
"I..." Yuliana starts, when Leina levels that accusation at -- herself? Her wife? She can't quite tell, so she can't quite tell how angry she should be, either. "I heed my wife's wisdom," she settles on, because that feels safe enough. "Since I'm such a demanding woman, she's evaluated several paths before endorsing what she does... she's always thinking of me, after all. I don't like them, not one bit, but... Elya's urged me to be patient. She's handling it..." ... and is she handling her, at the same time?
Her brow knits, when Leina brings up -- the incident. (There was only the one, wasn't there? Surely just the one.) "Of course it's not like that," she insists, quietly. "I -- I'll admit that one night on the dance floor got a little intense, but... it wasn't like that."
Yuliana remembers what happened the last time she tried to tell Leina about that, though, so she doesn't get into details.
"Oh, they're darling little things," she smiles, instead, on the goats. "They're quite resistant to the cold, now, so they're constantly climbing up the walls of the Castle. We dust the bricks with treats so they'll have a reason to explore!" Yuliana is, in many, many ways, a terrible woman, but she also likes kids and animals. Both these things are true.
Unfortunately, she's distracted from her affection for her new goat friends by Leina's worries. "I --" Yuliana starts, only to look away again. "It's not that simple," she settles on, after a moment. "Elya's quite pleased when I'm gentle with our people... you know, she even tracked down one of our old allies to offer him shelter, without me saying a thing about it. Mm... but... I was quite stressed yesterday, but since I woke up, Elya's been pampering me... it's why I took so long to send that message, it was only after lunch she had some business to attend to. Maybe... she was trying to distract me from worrying about you, but... maybe she just wanted to spend a lot of time with me!" Yuliana shakes her head, scowling deeper. "Or she saw I was stressed out, so she made sure I was taken care of! Oh, look at me, I'm just -- I'm taking nice things and taking them apart like they're sinister -- she never said anything to suggest she didn't want me to worry about you!"
Yuliana takes a deep, shuddering breath, and releases it out through her mouth. "She... did say she wanted to be favoured with seeing my violence, sometimes," she settles on, because focusing on what Elisa's said feels safer. "I did... I did go out to fight once just to further her happiness. But it's not like I did anything bad," she adds, sulking. "I was defending the city from a kaiju, there's nothing wrong with that! And she was so pleased the sacrificial enhancements worked as we'd hoped... she was really very happy with it all." Yuliana frowns, and adds, "... but it's not like I wasn't happy," sulky again. "I like fighting. I wanted to show my work off."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Isn't one time enough!?
(Be calm on the Metagaming Narrative Landscape-chan.)
"I won't deny you need a lot of care." Leina agrees, but didn't she change the terminology some? "But I think you underestimate how demanding Elisa is."
It's this perhaps, reframing, this shift, "Sure - she makes small concessions, when it doesn't cost her much of anything to do so. 'Let you do this.' or 'Don't kill this person.' Things that require a whole lot of inaction on her part."
Her tone is still mild, neutral, in that way that doesn't imply she's angry with her, "While she basically has convinced you to change the entire direction of your life. To act in all the ways you used to towards... her goals. Her wisdom is... having you act in her interests, which she states are 'your' interests since you're married."
Yuliana mentions the dance floor... and to that Leina puzzles, "The dance floor? Did... something happen?" It's... a gentle nudge.
Void goats, just like the Void Geese and Void Tigers, part of Leina squirms internally, the Void itself is always - well she's grown more accustomed to it's touch, but it's certainly not COMFORTABLE.
But it is a cute image.
"Cute." She says at her description, and that's genuine enough at least.
"It's not?" But then, how she describes it... "So people that in a sense... are acting in her interests? And yours?" She asks, for clarification, because 'our people' can mean a lot of things, but she suspects the cult through context.
"Well it's not... that I'm worried about." Leina says, of Elisa's opinion towards her, "I'm worried about how she's... directing you, towards... worse. Like am I worried that one day Elisa will lose patience with me? Sure? But - I'll deal with that, after all, like - it's not like I didn't figure she wouldn't be mad at me when I asked you to leave her."
There's this sigh, that hand is just lowered, and off camera it scratches the side of her thigh, through her skirt.
"It's not like I'm some total pacifist or something like... obviously not. Even when I was a kid. I just didn't... want people dying to mobile suits. It's not like - I don't understand why you wouldn't choose a life of violence. It's just..."
A pause.
"... I wanted to offer you something else, something different from just a life of that. So if you want to fight - I get it. It's just... it has to be done the right way, for the right reasons."
This is difficult, but...
... "Remember Sri Lanka? Was... Elisa unhappy about that?" She asks, and perhaps it's in error to bring up another time she was angry with Yuliana but - perhaps it might illustrate her point better than any other example.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana blinks. "Elya's never demanded anything of me?" She says -- asks, too surprised to get offended. "She's always been so permissive... she doesn't tell me to do anything." Why would she ever issue a direct command when Yuliana's jumping over herself to make her happy? Don't think about that. "I mean, she has feelings, yes, her feelings can be hurt... but that's one of the more human things about her!"
She frowns, arms folding more tightly across her chest. "Don't you remember?" She asks, quietly. "When... I told her about the phone you gave me. Before that, she told me what she wanted, what she valued -- and what she didn't value much at all... how she was only stewarding this world because I cared about it. How she enjoyed making the weak become strong... how she changed her mind about evolving humanity because of my compassion. She said she'd go along with whatever I chose to do, since... I was what mattered to her. She wants -- all of me. So long as I give myself to her, just like I promised..." Despite herself, she shivers. "But I was much too dramatic," she insists, in spite of that motion, shaking her head. "When I last told you. Much too dramatic. Elya wouldn't harm the world to get back at me. My thinking had been damaged by spending so much time away... that's why I said such an uncharitable thing."
Backsliding... huh.
She shakes her head, when Leina asks whether those people are acting in Elisa's interests. "No -- well -- maybe Yao is," she corrects herself, in the same breath, with a slight grimace. "He promised to take care of her family, so he's been shadowing me way too much... who knows if he's going to stalk me when I leave." She can be grumpy about his help! Surely Elisa didn't tell him to help that way! (Didn't she?) "But with most of them, it's -- it's how we can help them. Since we offered shelter to people who were scared to stay in their homes... some of the Cyber-Newtypes our people rescued even wanted to come here. Actually, that's what I wanted to ask you about, since... one of them is... a lot like me," she adds, gaze softening. "It's pretty obvious, but I really started to tell when everyone got around a table to talk about it... she talks like reality isn't connecting with what she's seeing, like, like how I get. The, um... they called it 'psychosis', I think?" At the PPL, that is. Yuliana certainly wouldn't learn a term like that from her wife.
"But Elya won't lose patience with you," Yuliana assures Leina, and she, at least, believes it. "You're... my friend. And Elya's been learning even more about friendship, lately," she adds, smiling. "She even made friends with Kaworu, you know."
She sighs, her shoulders sinking. "I just... feel like something's missing if I don't fight," she says, a creature designed for war. "I do enjoy my quiet life, but... but I feel so alive when I'm behind my sticks."
Yuliana's expression tenses, thinking of Sri Lanka. "She was, actually," she says, frowning. "She was quite bothered by the way the REA had played us into their hands. She was angered by their trickery... she promised that next time, we'd maintain our focus much better. She even agreed with me when I said we shouldn't get the civilians involved, you know?" She takes a deep breath, and sighs. "I was upset, too... but I don't think she would have been happy about it if I wasn't. She said it was her responsibility to anticipate that kind of provocation... she was frustrated that we'd fallen for the poisoned words of other people, when we could only really trust each other."
She might have been displeased, but she evidently found an opportunity to reinforce her lessons at the same time. How often is it like that?
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"She doesn't have to do it directly." Leina tells Yuliana, who seems surprised, "It's all about positive and negative reinforcement, right? Rewarding behaviors she likes - punishing others she doesn't, and convincing you that you want what she wants."
There's a tone of certainty there, "It's like how a lot of women tell their friends they have to have their husbands 'trained'? They say as it a joke... but in her case it's a little more the reality."
The idea of Elisa having feelings that can be hurt - well yes, she too believes this, but something about the idea is unsettling... uncomfortable... in the way she shows this hurt.
It's like she's aligning Yuliana's feelings with her own, drawing her in.
"Oh I didn't realize that was on the dance floor." Leina murmurs, before considering the statement, "Are you sure? Like hypothetically - if you left her, you don't think she'd lash out at something? But it kind of bothers me that you voice these things and - you're the one blaming yourself after."
Backsliding indeed...
'Yao'? Leina mouths, but doesn't say it aloud instead moving onto, "Hmmm. Honestly it wouldn't surprise me if she did." Leina suggests, "It may be her way of loopholing your desire for independence - by it not being her following you around."
It's.... not surprising perhaps that Cyber-Newtypes might come for her help, but it does make her, suddenly uncomfortable, "I see... and they're getting along okay?"
She asks, politely, because... maybe she can get more information there, "Like... you? Oh!" Yuliana does clarify with 'psychosis' and 'that's better' Leina thinks but how much better is it, "I see."
There is a comment at Elisa won't lose patience with her, and Leina blinks owlishly like she wasn't expecting that, and for the first time all call she does smile faintly.
"Kaworu?" Leina asks, "Like... Nagisa?" For a moment, she looks abstracted, what she felt... it reminded her of her time in Murasame's care. No, don't think about it. "But... I see, it's... well, I see..." She stumbles, not sure what to think of that, perhaps touched despite all the layers of messed up there is to that.
"I don't know. I get the feeling, but I don't think you have to be? You could always do the stay at home Mom thing."
She DOES worry about the kids but - kids all over the world do survive far... far worse situations than Yuliana and Elisa.
And maybe if she got away from the violence...
"So she agreed but... it wouldn't be her preference at baseline." Leina suggests, after a moment, "Like remember in Britannia... when she got angry at me and threatened all the people on that street... like their lives are worthless to her."
She does remember it, chillingly, and she really doesn't think she talked her out of it - Elisa could have easily ended them all, and it would have meant nothing to her.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana's smile grows thin. "It almost sounds like you're accusing her of conditioning me," she says, and the weight of that word is implicit, with both their experiences. "She would never do that. She loves how free I am."
She frowns, though, when Leina asks whether she's sure. "Of course it was on the dance floor," she mutters, scowling. "The blood rushing to my head, the movement, my footsteps and her words all at once... surely she could tell I felt conflicted. That's why she'd say it all so honestly." Her fingers drum, against her arm, leg bouncing against the side of the couch. "I did wonder if something like that might happen," she says, with growing agitation. "But when I did, you said I had to leave her. Like -- like not betraying my wife was -- was a moral failing, and -- it was my fault if she'd do something awful with my power!" Her eyes scrunch shut, tears springing to them, as she shakes her head fiercely. "That's just what I get for spreading such awful ideas about her," she insists, her voice lowering back down to something more morose. "I shouldn't have worried about it in the first place. It's a meaningless worry, anyway, since -- since I promised -- I won't break the vows I made to my wife! So it doesn't matter... what might happen. She wouldn't ever threaten me... anyway. And even I were an oathbreaker, she'd be just as strong as ever... the only thing I'd achieve would be breaking her heart." That would be quite dangerous, but Yuliana's not going to say that. "I know I'm... not the best person, sometimes, but... but I love my wife. I don't want to hurt her."
Tellingly, though, she can't deny that Elisa might have found a loophole in making sure Yao would keep her safe. She just glances away, with a light, wordless shrug.
Her attention comes back to Leina as she asks about their visitors, and she smiles. "They are," she says. "I was surprised, at first, since I know most people like that don't enjoy being around me for too long... but more than one has expressed enthusiasm for it. Like, that woman I mentioned -- Salvacion -- they took her almost twenty years ago, and she kept talking about how when she used her funnels to kill people, she'd always hear them screaming, and she was glad things were quiet now. Another one, Forte, she was saying something about how the songs that were always stuck in her head went away around me... you know, I wasn't sure if I should really join in with their support group until she insisted it would be easier if I was there."
She frowns, though, her knee bouncing again. "But Salvacion talks nonsense half the time... we only intercepted her transport relatively recently, those scientists were actually running away from your people, and she's... clearly still stuck there, in some fashion." Yuliana actually does sound bothered, talking about it. "She said she wanted to outrun her demons... all I could think to do was to show her how to work the gym equipment. I... it's confronting, seeing... the kinds of things I say when I'm not so well, but they're coming from another person. I think it must be very hard for her, Leyasha... but I don't know what to do. What... should I do?"
... she's asking Leina, and not Elisa, and of course she knows there's something wrong with that, but...
She laughs, though, a touch wan. "I mean," she says, "in many ways, I am a stay-at-home Auntie. Maybe I'll even be a Mom proper, you know -- when they're ready for that." Apparently, Yuliana is waiting for the boys to decide that she's New Mom, instead of insisting she is. Progress?? "It's just that... I go out to fight, now and then. But I don't travel too much, these days... it's just not safe, with all the bounty hunters out there trying to see through my papers." She frowns, looking down. "Actually, the boys do comment on that... since when their mother was alive, I was always the one who would take them on trips around the world. They ask me why I'm always at home... I'm not sure how to explain it to them. They're too young to hear that I'm one of NUNE's most wanted... I don't want to place those worries on them." Yuliana will never win the 'best parent' award, but in her own way, she is trying.
She goes quiet, though, when Leina mentions Elisa threatening people on the street. Her lips press together, and she's silent, for a few moments.
"It seems like that because it is like that," she admits, at length. She told me... it doesn't make a difference to her if the world is her ally or her enemy. She doesn't care for most mortals... why they fight, what they care about. It's just because I care... just because I care that she's come to accept the world, to try to be part of it."
And Yuliana pauses, again, swallowing at a lump in her throat. "Elya learned so much from me, Leyasha," she admits, frills wilting. "Sometimes, I worry... I taught her the very things that seem so alarming, now. I was quite unwell, back then... quite unwell. She isn't human, you know? But she loved me, and I'm, I'm mostly human... what if it's my fault she's like this?"
It's so easy for her to believe; she is the centre of her own universe.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
When Yuliana uses the word condition, Leina's eyelashes flutter, then slowly her gaze moves down, "... Usually it's not medical, or magical." Is what Leina's answer is to Yuliana, "You know all about how it's done of course. So I'm not going to insult you by recounting it further."
There's a pause...
"But sometimes in rare and extreme cases, when she needs you to act against your nature, it is magical."
It's a rather weighty accusation, but Leina makes it all the same, "I did tell you once before... you said you'd ask her. You never came back to tell me how it went." She notes, "But the fact you're so surprised I would accuse her of that...?"
She simply lets that hang, because, it should be no surprise, right?
"I did." Leina says, as she looks back at the phone, and stares her right in the eye, "Because it's not betraying her. You know my opinion on what she's doing. If she's doing even half of it - then you're in an abusive relationship, Yuliana."
Unlike before, she doesn't shy away from calling it what it is, "If you desire independence - then she's made you a mess of anxious codependence." It's quiet, soft, but firm, "You had anxiety before, but she's done everything in her power to make it worse - and entirely focused on her displeasure. Remember Denver?"
The spam text messages, of course.
"Now she doesn't even need to reinforce it, you do it on your own, like at the PPL."
If anything has changed at least, it's that she isn't holding back on saying how she feels about this when Yuliana moves to defend Elisa.
Fortunately the subject shifts in an upswing towards discussion of the Cyber Newtypes, and Leina at least can understand why some would like to get away with it, "I'm glad they're getting help." She murmurs, "I can understand at least why they might need that kind."
It hasn't ever helped her in the same way, unfortunately, since most moments are simply etched in her memory, trauma works that way. As Yuliana speaks more on Salvacion, Leina sighs, and nods slowly, "That's the unfortunate issue of our crackdown going more public when before it was... 'permitted' so long as it was kept private." Leina notes, "Defections - better evacuation plans - occasional tip offs."
There's a shake of her head, "The good outweighs the bad - I just hate that some people still slip the net." She doesn't want people to suffer like this.
And the truth is some may suffer MORE because of this.
But Yuliana asks her what to do for her...? "So it sounds like a traumatic stress reaction." Leina says quietly, "It's probably not because she's a Newtype - just, those sensations can be triggering. She's extra sensitive."
Leina takes a few long moments then notes to Yuliana, "So it's about needing psychiatric help. Active coping mechanisms. There's no magic fix to it, right? You know all about that."
She says softly, "Your method helps, because it's removing some of the sensitivity. But - long term she's going to need to go through a process of learning how to cope, through a support system. I think the PPL might be able to help get her started."
She suggests, and perhaps it's in a way trying to get Yuliana to begrudgingly acknowledge that they can help when she can't - because it might coax her slowly back.
It is... surprising to hear that Yuliana is letting them go at their own pace, maybe it is progress. "Yeah. It's just going to be tough getting them out and about... socializing them." Leina notes, "Home schooling is rough on a kid for that reason. Like... Neo-Zeon tutored me, which meant I didn't get the whole school experience."
This might be the angle to go at for... trying to get her to rehabilitate but... she can't let herself hope.
"It was mostly about learning how to act in a 'courtly' setting than in society. It's why I've told Eight I think she should figure out a way to send her kids to school."
It might get her THINKING at least, on ways to reintegrate into society, if only for the kids.
"Yeah, that's exactly what I'm worried about." As Yuliana admits to Elisa's nature, "It's... I don't know, Yuliana, if she regards us as like ants, then what are those people that you like? Important ants?"
Is Yuliana herself merely the 'most important Ant'?
"I don't blame you for teaching her 'wrong' or something... it's like, what do you even do in a situation like that? But mostly it's just - hmm."
She rubs the back of her neck, awkwardly, "I don't think even back when you thought everyone in the world was fake - taught her to devalue the world. It feels like that was already there? Like the most basic human thing in my opinion is... this idea that the world is there for us to live in."
She considers this problem quietly, "Even the worst 'people' out there feel a connection to it - they selfishly exploit it, because in their opinion it's theirs. While the best people feel a sense of responsibility towards... making it a good place for the most people to live within."
Looking away, Leina finally finishes, "It scares me when she tries to slowly... take that connection away from you to convince you... it's a good thing to be disconnected from it... just like her. But... I don't think of that as your fault."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Leina says that sometimes Elisa's conditioning is magical, and -- well, two things are of note, there. The way she didn't interrupt when Leina pointed out how mundane conditioning usually is...
... and the fact she she does when Leina leaves that question hanging. "It was just too embarrassing to say," she says, her frill wilting again. "After your call, I... I was hitting myself and crying... I was very upset. But Elya grasped my hand, and stepped in, and... I asked her, you know? I said, 'are you brainwashing me?' And she said, 'I am not.' I even said later, how you were worried how she might have made me give everything over to her, and I wouldn't even remember, and she said -- she said she didn't do that. She didn't do it!" Yuliana shakes her head, burying her face in a hand. "I was carrying on for no reason at all... accusing her of such awful things... I even almost called her 'Elisa', and I only address her that way when I'm mad at her. But Elya's not like me, Leyasha. She's not a liar. If she said it, it's true."
What Elisa said was quite exact, of course; and Yuliana is, at least subconsciously, aware of how precise her truths can be. Why else would she quote her verbatim?
Yuliana's eyes widen, her hand clapping over her mouth to stifle a moan of dismay, when Leina reminds her about Denver. She knows just what she's talking about, of course. She'd just put it out of her mind. "Oh," she chokes out, miserably.
"But Elya is so nice to me... she's so nice to me. I know she's not a kind woman, but she's nice to me..." Tears spring to her eyes, again. "I know... I know Trosha said that that's part of the process. That there have to be good times, or it would be easy to leave in the bad times. But Elya's not like the Empress... she's never harmed me. I... admit sometimes she frightens me... but I think it must just be because my constitution has grown weaker, over the years. And she's never tried to scare me, not on purpose... it's just because I'm confronted by the way she thinks, that's all. But she's always trying to understand my wishes better. She sees me... she really sees me." Yuliana swallows, again, hand still covering her mouth. She feels -- and looks -- vaguely like she might be ill. "Maybe... our relationship does appear... like that, to you," she manages, after a moment. "But it's just because Elya is divine, Leyasha. We can't be judged like normal people..."
She chokes on her own breath, eyes squeezing shut. "And she didn't ask me to do it on my own," she says. "When -- when I was so distracted checking my messages and worrying that I forgot to engage my stealth like an idiot -- she hadn't even sent anything! I was just... it was something I did," she says, lamely. "And the OCU saw me, and eventually they figured out who my shuttle belonged to, and then Yaka had a lot of problems, a lot of questions to answer... that's why I told her I had better stop coming. It's not that I wanted to never come back... but it would have been difficult for her if I did. And I'd already asked you to stick your neck out so much... what if me being there reflected back on you, since Cathedra knows you frequent the PPL? There'd be questions for you, too." Is it possible... that Yuliana was putting the wellbeing of her friends above her own needs?!
It probably helps that she could do it in such a way that it benefited Elisa.
She draws in a deep sigh, though, and lowers her hand to her lap, clutching them together there as her knees press together, her tentacles wrapping about her shins. "Our people do catch some of them," she says. "When they're travelling between locations... or if we can sabotage their suits to bring them down so we can get them out. I just... don't want the Calling to attack those places directly. Last time I did... it turned out everyone was still in there," she says, dismal. "VEDA didn't tell us that part of the calculation, but there was an Awakened boy who figured it out... right before. When it was too late. I thought I could get rid of another Institute, but I hurt the wrong people... since Celestial Being rescued the people in mine, I thought..." She shakes her head; she doesn't know that the Shuffles specifically insisted there be no innocent casualties, in her raid. "... never mind."
She frowns, looking down at her clutched hands. "If dulling it helps... but it's like I said. I can't go back to the PPL. Maybe... maybe Elya can help," she says, uncertain. "The Castle is quiet, even when I'm gone... perhaps she's figured out some way to use those magics without the Fold Crystal. Then... then Salvacion could numb all that... and still go see Yaka. Maybe you don't believe me, but... I do want to help her," she says, crestfallen. And why wouldn't she? If another early Cyber-Newtype can be fixed in front of her eyes, surely she can be fixed -- never mind that she already has a model of recovery in Eight. She never saw Eight be so wretched. "... if that means suggesting she go somewhere else... Elya said it was fine to care about our people, so she surely won't mind, either."
She smiles, though it's weak. "Actually, a lot of the people who came here have families of their own," she says. "And Jadgit -- another of the Cyber-Newtypes, would you believe he's Letda's cousin? -- it turned out he was a teacher, before the standardised screening process betrayed him. So we've got them all together to support their distance learning, now." She doesn't say that they were specifically looking for families to rescue, of course.
That would almost sound like they were targeting them.
"But Elya did say... the reason you were so upset was because of the scars Neo-Zeon left you. I wasn't considerate enough of that, when we argued... I suppose it reflects poorly on me that she had to tell me." Whether it was that, or whether Elisa pre-empted Yuliana realising for herself the error she'd made -- well, Yuliana believes one explanation, anyway.
She sighs. "Important ants... I don't know." She doesn't want to say that she's not sure Elisa even thinks that much of most people, if only because she's reasonably sure Elisa would admire an anthill. Particularly the stinging kind. "Maybe... it's not my fault. But I'm just... I'm scared it is. She fell in love with me because I threatened to kill her if she left, remember? So many things... seem to come back to me. I can't explain it. But it's not as simple as Elya being the bad one, Leyasha," Yuliana shakes her head. "It's not."
Yuliana quiets after trying to take the blame back from her wife again, as if crushed by a great weight she can neither see nor name. "She told me... that if I wanted to leave, we could find another planet to live on. We didn't have to do anything on Earth if I didn't want to. I... think it's a trait they share... maybe. Elya and the Empress, I mean. Since... the Empress made sure I felt like I was the only real person... and Elya always talks about caring about the world like it's my choice. She never tells me to make a different one, but... she does want me to be connected to her more than anyone else." Yuliana bites her lip, and adds: "I want that, too. But -- but I am -- I don't go out much any more. I don't talk to people much... any more. I was even overloaded, when we brought more people here, and they just wanted to talk to me... it was so confronting being switched on socially all the time. Having to -- present myself right in my own home. I even resented that other people could see me here, just for a moment... but it's Elya who assured me I didn't have to be so stressed about it, you know," she adds, reflexively defending her wife. "They're part of the household, now, so I don't have to... present a certain image." Yuliana's said before how it's more honourable for domestic violence to happen in private, after all. How stressful it must be for someone else to come behind that closed door!
She takes a breath. "But... I think I've imposed too much on your time, haven't I?" She asks, with a fragile smile. "You were trying to take a break... I should have insisted I'd call back later, but I was just, scared you'd never pick up again. But you're with your girlfriend... I don't want to infringe on that too much. Besides," she adds, her legs shifting as her ankles hook around each other, out of the camera's frame. "Elya will be done with her business soon, I'm sure... maybe it would be better if she didn't find me like this. I don't want her to worry... about how these calls affect me, so... I'd just better calm down, before she comes out." Her eyelids veil her eyes, as she glances aside. "It's not like I'm lying, or keeping secrets from her... I just don't want it to look bad. Okay?"
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Yuliana does answer her, that she was too embarrassed to say, and Leina looks, uncomfortable when Yuliana mentions she was self-harming, because it's easy to blame herself, isn't it? For triggering such things?
"That's very specific phrasing, brainwashing." Leina says after a while of processing her answer, "Elisa herself may not consider it to be such. But... I'd be careful assuming just because she doesn't lie - that she always tells the truth, and the whole truth, it's not as if she doesn't keep things from you. The Institute Raid for example - we planned it together right? And you had no idea - in fact... she told me it'd be inconvenient if you found out."
Granted, that's an example when Leina herself thinks it was for the best, but she didn't quite realize... the abuse, or the extent of it at the time.
As Yuliana states 'Elya is so nice to me'. And repeats it, Leina finally interjects, "Except when she isn't, to make certain you fall in line." She tells her, not coldly, but firmly, "I don't think she'd ever let you quit piloting Emptear under any circumstances. Sure she made it safer for you, but she'd never let you quit, not forever."
It's... well, she's pretty sure of it, given her reaction there with Rita.
"I'm not sure that's entirely true though... like? You're human, and you chose marriage - which is a human construct. There's always a way to look at such relationships."
But as she chokes, and sobs further, Leina looks at the screen, expression softening as she notes, "She did do that though, she doesn't need to be there actively doing something - the fact that you were all twisted up in knots over it..."
There's hesitation though, as she chews on her lower lip, "Look... it's up to me to figure out the Cathedra side. I said it before right? I can work something out with the brass, a deal - just like the one I got."
She tries her best to smile, "Like I appreciate that you're - thinking of that kind of thing and how I'd get in trouble but... I'm trying to help you navigate getting out of an abusive situation, I understand it's not simple."
Leina rubs the side of her face though, because she didn't realize the Calling attacked people at all and helped out on Dawn of Fold operations.
Great.
"No I believe you." She finally says, even if 'how' she intends to help might be questionable, she can at least believe that Yuliana's views on Cyber Newtypes has... shifted...
... after she was willing to accept she is one. "It's not that I think she has to go somewhere else - it's just I don't think she can get the treatment she needs long term there." It's not just trying to keep her away from the cult, even if there's also that.
"Like your wife is usually your Doctor, but she's not a psychiatric professional - and I doubt she'd have the interest to treat someone that's not you long term."
It's... not completely discrediting Elisa, even if to her it's the equivalent of a Boa Constrictor being one's Psychiatrist.
"Oh I believe it." She says of Jadgit, and does actually smile, both storing that name away and letting it fall down a well because there's no point in having Cathedra harass someone who's just trying to... educate the kids.
"Good. That's... that's good."
Yuliana then mentions the scars Neo-Zeon left her, and Leina certainly looks disturbed for a moment, "No I was... being a little hasty in my rush to judgment just. Look I'm not entirely convinced Dawn of Fold isn't some Neo-Zeon front - since you're not the ones who put it together. Just... I was upset. I'm still upset."
She sighs after a moment, "Look I just came off of their attempt to put together the third incarnation of Neo-Zeon... it's hard to believe they're not using you to create a fourth."
Important ants, yes - but perhaps their sting is even worse than the real thing. Ants after all don't typically create weapons of mass destruction.
"I remember." The reason - she says she fell in love with her, "Look, I do actually think it's that simple because... the power dynamic is just all off here. Even your example before..." She raises a hand, "You can't actually threaten her in any meaningful way, physically?"
It's unsettling but...
"The only way I could believe that is if you were both on a more equal playing field, but it's not like that. She has all the physical power - and all the emotional power."
Leina drops her hand, "The only power you have is that she's obsessed with you - and you like that... and can influence her in small ways."
But in the end, Yuliana notes that she's taken up too much of her time, and Leina sighs, rubbing her face, "No... that's fair, I think it might be wise to... take some time coming down." It isn't as if she's not being confronting, or upsetting.
"Look we'll... you joining Dawn of Fold makes this... difficult. I can't guarantee I can always just - talk or answer whenever." Indeed, she can't even tell herself that Yuliana is... trying to get better.
"We'll figure it out."
She repeats succinctly. It's not... actually setting terms, boundaries. She knows she should set harder boundaries here or just cut this off entirely.
For her own sake, but she can't... force herself to do that.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"It would be... inconvenient?" Yuliana echoes someone other than her wife, for once. (Well, kind of.) She...
She'll have to ask her wife, she supposes, as she answers her own question: "I see." She doesn't, but she needs Elisa's clarity on it.
She quiets, when Leina brings up Emptear. "... if I had to," she says, and her agreement is shaped like a rebuttal.
She knows she'll have to, and her face visibly falls, thinking of it. It's hard... to be alone, out there.
"Mm," she hums, when Leina insists marriage is a human thing. "Mmn..." She whispers, hoarse: "... maybe... it's a little abusive... sometimes."
Don't ask her to say anything more on the matter; she's too busy crying. She just nods, when Leina says that she was all twisted up. It's only when she insists that she'd figure out Cathedra's business and she's trying to help her that Yuliana whimpers out, "j-just let me try and care, would you?!"
Leina's trying to help her get out, and Yuliana feels, keenly, that she must be judging her for having gone back. If it's really that bad, who would ever go back? Who wouldn't put a stop to the whole thing, just like Leina wants? It can't be that bad. It can't be that bad, because her wife was lavishing her with all the attention she needed just a few hours ago.
But she's too afraid to say it. She's too afraid that Leina will just give up on her, just because she still loves her wife.
(Technically speaking, the Silent Calling are largely logistical support, but... well, sometimes support can be interpreted widely.)
"Mm," Yuliana hums. "One of the men who came here is a doctor, too... and I think one of the women is a child psychologist. But Salvacion's not a child... so..." Yuliana frowns, glancing away, and doesn't realise how she might have told on her wife's screening process by talking about everyone's occupations. "Yaka... Yaka said I could still talk to her. Maybe... I'll ring her about it... maybe I can do that. I..." She frowns, her hands balling together. "If Elya's treating me... I guess it would have been good if I had someone else to help her, too. Since... because she has different values to most humans... if I don't want to lose those values, I guess I can't just rely on her. But these days... it's frightening to talk to other people," she admits, quietly. "So... but maybe Salvacion can get that kind of help. She... shouldn't have to not get help just because... I'm in a complicated situation. If she's really like me, it will be hard enough for her without anything like that..."
She's clearly displacing her own desire to be saved onto someone who reminds her of herself, but does that make her desires invalid?
... four years ago, she would have attacked her for the disrespectful audacity of the reminder.
"I'm sorry you're upset," she says, again, and it's not a very good apology, but it's something. She certainly looks bothered to hear that Leina's still upset, anyway.
Her eyes grow shadowed, as she listens to Leina saying that she couldn't possibly threaten her wife. She knows it's true, of course, but all she can really do... is hang her head.
Yuliana... certainly thinks she's trying to get better. (Her level of insight, though slightly improved, is still... quite poor.) She'd be terribly frustrated if she knew that Leina couldn't tell herself she was, when she thinks she's made so much progress, even though it's so hard. It would be easier... just to be the sort of woman her wife wanted her to be. So much of her is that woman, now, all hollowed out and battered into shape.
(Free.)
But what she says, instead, is: "If it's on a delay, that's fine..."
It's not as if Leina hasn't delayed her calls all the time recently, anyway.
"I just don't want you to give up on me," she says, quietly. "I'm scared I'd give up on myself if you did. Um, so, thanks for talking to me..." She rubs at her eyes with a hand, as a tentacle reaches over to grab her phone and deliver it to her other hand. "... it helps."
Click, she ends the call, and stares down at her inert phone for long moments.
For Leina's sake, she... should really cut this off entirely. She knows Elisa won't be happy that she keeps insisting their marriage is -- abusive. She keeps insisting that she'll be safe because she's her friend, but... Elisa has gotten much more possessive, lately.
But for her own sake, she can't force herself to stop contacting her, either. She doesn't even know how to vocalise what these little rebellions are doing, for her. Part of it is unpleasant -- like realising she's drowning. But... the recognition is...
... these are the only times she can admit that sometimes, she feels afraid.
It's hard to sit in silence, with that, but she learned some tricks from the PPL that make her heart and her breathing slow down.