2024-11-29: Leina's Loss
- Log: Leina's Loss
- Cast: Yuliana Kafim, Leina Ashta
- Where: The Photon Power Labs
- Date: 2024-11-29
- Summary: Yuliana visits the PPL to continue their efforts to fight the Empress -- and to talk to her doctor. She doesn't mean to meet Leina before her apology is drafted, but she delivers it, anyway. Leina doesn't want her to go, but Yuliana has an important task for her: taking care of Sokrova, after they've gone.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
OST: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_s21Yx0zK0I Mori Calliope - Left For Dead Lullaby
Last time Yuliana came by the PPL, she reached out to Dr. Noburu Kimura again, to his surprise -- but not displeasure. She ended up telling him all about what happened from her perspective, and, with his encouragement, she's made her way here again a few days later to do some therapy about it.
This time, she did bring Plyushokrova. She'll even leave him there, when she leaves, for when she comes back. (Until she can't come back any more. Maybe Lisa will like him, then.)
"I worry," she tells the doctor, "that I have left too many bodies in my wake, and history will not forgive me. Or, worse -- it will forget me."
"Are you worried about books," Dr. Kimura asks, "or your friends?"
"Well... more the latter, I suppose," Yuliana admits, hugging her plush tiger. "You know -- my friends." Who aren't characters in a book, as it happens.
"Then perhaps you should turn your mind to the repatriations you can undertake," Dr. Kimura suggests, calmly.
"I'm here, ain't I?" Yuliana grumbles, before she goes on, a moment later: "... well, I haven't exactly been able to stop my peers from their plots, but it's not like I'm planning to do anything but this. We must consider it a high priority; She has lost all Her patience."
Dr. Kimura raises an eyebrow, and points out: "I didn't realise she had any."
"Well, I guess not," Yuliana chuckles, a touch awkwardly.
...---...
Yuliana -- plus plush tiger -- come to rest in the break room, a purple scarf wrapped about her neck, a bomber jacket half-covering her band shirt. She's got a nice serving of bubble tea, having just demolished a chicken sandwich, and one tentacle clasps the cup as she sips from the straw and writes something down on a sheet of paper with her hands.
Who knew being an eldritch abomination would make you so good at multitasking?
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"Messed up." Was Shiro's succinct evaluation of everything she'd just said. "I read the reports, but gotta be honest, it's hard to wrap my head around it."
"Heh. ... Well, me being able to doesn't really help much." She answered, as she laid upon her bed. "Maybe it makes it worse?"
"That's the Newtype experience, isn't it?" Shiro answered her question with a question, "The world is complicated enough, and understanding the people around you just makes things harder."
Scrunching up her face at his evaluation, "I don't like phrasing it that way." Shiro then points out, "You kinda just did, dummy."
"Eughhhhhhhh." She sighs heavily as if to say 'You win this one' without saying it out loud, and turning over to ruminate over it.
"Let me make it easy for you... don't come." Shiro uttered as Leina raised an eyebrow in disbelief, "I give you permission. Your situation's complicated enough. Focus on yourself."
Frowning, "Not sure... that'll help. Just - I'll get stuck in my own head about it." "And beat yourself up over it?"
There's... a hesitant nod, and Shiro responded with, "Yeah I figured. It's why I don't like you up there by yourself. No friends - no family." "One call away." Leina pointed out, but Shiro said back, "You know what I mean. I know there's no good way to uncomplicate what goes on in your head... but..."
There's hesitation, but then he eventually says, "... you know what... maybe come after all, give me a chance to take your mind off her."
She raises an eyebrow, then a thin lipped smile appears on her lips, "Better not mean in the way that you used to take my mind off things." "As friends." He protested.
"... Alright." Leina eventually said back, softly, "Sounds nice, actually." "Great, I'll put in for some leave. I'm due."
-=-=-
It was during the second day in Fujinomiya, that Leina tapped a text which simply said...
>sry
>guess i cant help myself
>lets meet up later
And silenced her phone.
Wearing a blue coat, over a turtle neck and black winter pants with brown boots, she entered the PPL.
Part of her was surprised that she could still check in as a Guest. Part of her understood they'd never revoke that.
A few discreet inquiries later...
... and she's standing outside the door of the break room, holding her bag as she glances through the narrow glass window inside. Maybe Yuliana has heard her, maybe not.
"Maybe I'm the real lost cause." She murmured to herself... understanding the second, and third chances that everyone had fought to give her.
Taking a deep breath, she knocks, "Yuliana? It's me..." And opens the door. Not... really knowing what to say next.
What do you say, to the things she saw?
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana isn't really focused on what she can't see, right now; she's focused on what she's writing, instead. Engrossed like that, Leina could just keep walking -- she hasn't seen her.
She hears the knock, though, and looks up, her eyes widening in surprise. "Leyasha!" She exclaims. "I didn't expect to see you here -- ah -- come in?" She pauses, for a beat: "If -- if you want."
She puts down her pen to hold up her tiger by the paws, saying, in a high voice: "Plyusho's pleased to see you!" And then she peeks out, from behind the tiger's quite realistically-sized head, to add in a more normal tone: "Um -- so am I. I did want to see you before we left... but I thought it wouldn't do you much good to call."
She looks down at her paper, hugging that tiger to herself. Unfortunately, her frills are politely tucked behind her ears in order to lessen her aura, so she can't emote with them today. "I actually... I was writing a letter," she says, scanning over it. "I was just going to leave it here, but... maybe it's better if I give it to you myself."
Her other tentacle -- the one not holding her cup of bubble tea -- slides the pad of paper across the table, towards her. It reads:
Dear Leyasha,
Whenever I talk to you I and up hurting you more, so I thought I had better wirte a letter instead. I'm very sorry I hurt you over and over when you just wanted to help me out. I only thought abuot myself most of the time and I blamed you for it too. It wasn't fair and it was cruel. It was ecpesially cruel when I abandoned you even though I knew you didn't have a choice but to say those things. Going back to raid Dr. Murasame's ship later doesn't raelly make up for it because you had to live like that for months between those times. I regret it terribly but I never seem to say the right thing and I think I make it worse a lot instaed.
I will be fighting the Empress with Koyan and Yaka and everyone very soon. We have to kill Her besauce Her anger will destroy the world. I think I can open the way to deicide too. But when She's dead I'm leaving forever. Besauce She might come back in the things She made and left in the Void if no one is there to make sure. I'm not going to punish you and I know Elya did awful things like brainwash me but we're talking abuot it like equal partners so we will be okay. I don't know if I'll get to talk to you again but I don't want to hurt you more so I
Her messy handwriting cuts off, there, a big spot at the edge of her 'I' where she was thinking of what she ought to say.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Opening the door, as she hears her pet name, her throat grows a little tight... before relaxing, and stepping inside after 'If -- if you want.'
"I do." She says softly, before smiling at Plyusho's's 'greeting'. "Hello again Plyusho..." Then she adds, "Yuliana."
And so she listens for a moment, on whether it would do much good to call or not, and doesn't say anything for a time, hands twisting over the edge of her purse.
"Oh yeah?"
And so she takes the pad of paper, and begins to read it.
There's... some disbelief over the way it begins, but she doesn't say how she feels. Her eyes drifting across the page, and through memory.
That day at Karaoke in Fujinomiya. The things that Doctor Murasame said after. And what she says next - she dares to hope.
Until she reads what comes next, and she feels her throat grow tight again. "... Thank you for writing that." Leina says in a hushed tone, and closes her eyes to consider this.
"Need... a moment." She says, taking time to recompose herself, "You know, after seeing everything. I first thought about the idea of... fate. Destiny. Was so much... decided for you? Are we just... going in circles?"
Taking a few steps towards the table, she puts her bag down, still holding the pad in her hand. "But... I guess, it became after that, that it was because of the choices we make. The other you. The other Elisa."
She won't call her the Empress, out of respect for what she did. Then she seats herself, "You. Your Elisa." She puts the pad down. Then looks across the table, right in the eyes, "Don't go. You may think you have to do this, but you don't." Then... again, "Please. If you think you have to take responsibility - I won't tell you no. Just... just find another way."
It's like she's holding something back, maybe sorrow or tears or anger. She doesn't so much say what she thinks about the apology yet, because she has to focus on that.
"I don't want you to go." She utters again, because she's desperate not to lose anyone else to the cruelty and apathy of the universe, of the choices of the last one.
Better they make kinder ones.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Of course," Yuliana says, though she's been watching her anxiously the whole way through. She was going to show Dr. Kimura the letter before she ever gave it to Leina, she doesn't know if it's even any good --
Going in circles... more like circling the drain, she thinks. But she doesn't interrupt Leina, either, giving her the time she needs to finish her thoughts. The 'other her'...
Yuliana sighs, and reaches out to Leina's side of the table, offering her her hand. "Leyasha... ah," she pauses, remembering that momentary flinch, "is it fine if I call you that? In -- in any case, I am sorry. Truly, I am. I don't want to leave you, either... nor anyone. I have made many friends here, despite myself. I am not eager to leave any of you."
She takes a breath of her own, before she goes on. "... but I have examined the situation from many angles. I did realise... that the world has forgiven greater villains than us. It is not our deeds which exile us -- at least -- not completely. But the Empress has grown many children, in the Void. Like those dragons Elya summons. And there is a part of Her in them all, and She is not... linear, as we are. You saw it -- the way She lopped off a hand, and used it to steal Elya's life away."
Yuliana pauses, again, searching Leina's eyes with her own worried frown. She lost her pupils long ago, but it's still clear her attention is focused on her. "The Veil must not be so thin," she insists, and she is gentle, but she is firm. "And yes -- perhaps they could change me further. Make it so I am not a walking wound in this world, tearing through to another. Perhaps Elya could anchor herself further, remember her own humanity. But were that barrier restored, with no one on the other side, we would be blind. We could not see Her, if She rose anew... not until it was too late. That is why I must go," she says, tilting her head. "It was that 'other me' which hurt the Empress so to begin with. I am not her -- Elya is not she -- but it falls to us to fix this."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"It's fine." Leina says, as Yuliana offers her hand, she doesn't take it right away, even as she describes how she doesn't want to leave them.
Still, she listens to everything she has to say, about giving her reasons for it.
Eyes studying her own as she lays it out, one reason after another. Then when she says it falls to them to fix this.
"I don't accept that. I don't accept that you have to change - or that it has to be either of you." Either of you? Is she including Elisa in this? "Are you telling me that Elisa and Shari couldn't figure it out?"
That's when she takes her hand, squeezing into her palm, and while it's strong, it's delicate in comparison to the hand she's taken. "Don't go. You don't have to isolate yourself - and neither does Elisa. Didn't you hear what Rita said at the end of it all?"
Softly, she reiterates it, "In her next life, she wanted to be human. She regretted it, thought she made a mistake in the end. And then she left."
Taking a shuddering breath, "She did the same thing as you, you know. She knew about my situation, and she left me to that. And both of us have to live with that. But I never wanted her to go! I just - wanted her to stop!"
Pinching her eyes shut more emotion creeps in, "Being human is messy, and complicated - and often it sucks but - it's what lets us be together. And..."
Something wobbles in her voice, before it cracks subtly, "...if you go... I won't be able to feel you."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana keeps holding her hand out, anyway. It's... the least she can do for her.
"We've been trying," is what she tells her, when she wants to know whether they couldn't figure it out, still gentle. And when Leina takes her hand, she's gentle with that, too, though she does still give it a little squeeze. She can be mindful of her own strength when she's actually thinking about it.
She sighs, closing her eyes for a moment when Leina brings Rita up. She hums affirmation, looking to Leina again when she underlines the thesis.
She just wanted her to stop... huh.
Yuliana brings her other hand over, to stroke the back of Leina's. "Leyasha," she says, for she said it was fine, "you've never been able to feel me that way. Only the empty space around me... just as I've known you. But you can see me," she goes on, giving her hand another gentle squeeze. "You can hear me. And those things, they won't go away when I'm gone. The photographs, the recordings... and your memories. They all will be there."
She glances down, to the plush tiger pinned between her and the table. "You know..." She starts, delicately. "Sokrova, he was only changed a little, by the Void. And I've hesitated to bring him along, when he's such a fine boy. Do you suppose... he could stay with you and your family, when I'm gone? He's very well-behaved, so he'll be no problem at all. And... he is something you can still feel, when I am not here to hold your hand any more." Since she can feel that, certainly.
"I've always been human," she adds, softly. "All of us -- were always human." And Zentradi, but this is not about that. "My crimes were human crimes, after all. But I want to make it right, Leyasha. You know, I -- that letter stopped where it was, because -- I didn't know how to end it. I wasn't sure if I'd just hurt you more, leaving it for you to read after I left. I was going to ask Dr. Kimura... well, in any case, you are right. I'm very much like Ritechka. But I won't be going today, or even tomorrow, so -- so please say as much as you like."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"That's exactly why!" Is her immediate protest to the idea she's never been able to feel her. "... You feel the world differently than I do, and so do I. That doesn't mean there's no connection between us."
Her eyelids slide open, and there's a subtle blur across each. "But it's hard. I've never been good about letting go... moving on. Who wants to do something like that!?"
Maybe it's the healthier thing, and she knows it, but that's the one thing Newtypes are bad at perhaps.
Letting go.
"So stay."
It's a selfish request, but it's selfish in the same way that a ten year old girl who was ill thought she had to go out there to save her brother - and died.
"Let this be on someone else... if there's a cycle then - then let's break it."
Still she asks for her to take her tiger, and after taking a pained breath, "Yeah... we can do that. It's not like we're not well off enough to take care of a tiger."
They'd resisted such things in the past as the extravagance of wealth. "We'll make sure he's taken care of. Do you have... arrangements for the kids?"
It's a big commitment, but she'd probably take that one too.
Still, she notes her humanity, and Leina seems surprised at her easy acknowledgement, before looking at the letter as she speaks.
"I don't know what to say, I didn't expect...a goodbye, I guess?" She replies quietly, "Mmmm. I was advised not to come, I even led my Ex to believe... I wouldn't. He's probably furious with me."
...
...
...
"But I can only be me." Another subtle crack in her voice, "And I'm just someone who can't let go I guess. Especially of the people who hurt me. I don't know what that says about me. Maybe it means some part of me thinks it's easier to believe someone thinks I'm worth hurting than... someone thinks I'm worth loving."
It's hard for her to admit that, this thing she grapples with, "It doesn't make sense to me, no matter how much I feel it - how much they prove it."
Through closed eyes, two droplets leak down, as she takes some time and... "I'm not sure where I can forgive you or not... but that doesn't mean I want you to go."
She opens her eyes, blurred again and wipes it on her other sleeve, "So, just one more time. I'll ask you to stay... and find out for yourself whether I can."
The ask, it's so childish it almost seems so small. 'Stay and find out.' But maybe it's her trying to find out something else.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"We are connected," Yuliana agrees, though she surely wouldn't have years prior.
She takes a breath, before she speaks again. "Leyasha... I can't ask someone else to do this. This -- this is how I break the cycle. If I don't keep watch for Her, nothing will stop Her from repeating the timeline again. And again, and again... until She's satisfied." Until She finds a version of them beaten-down enough to satisfy Her.
"Admiral Orlodhari's offered to take in those associated with us," she says, when Leina asks about the children. "It's likely the safest place for them... considering their ties to us. I don't expect NUNE to embrace our legacy." And Eight knows a thing or two about motherhood already, though she hates to say it.
She listens to what Leina has to say about being hurt, pain crossing over her own eyes -- though she doesn't interrupt. She feels... bad? She feels bad. She's hurt her quite thoroughly. And she tries to sit with Leina's feelings, though of course her mind tries to go back to her own hurt.
"I can stay a little longer," she says. "Another month or so... plus a few more weeks, I suppose. Sharochka needs time to build her weapons, for it is no mean feat to kill a God. But when we are ready, Leyasha, I will go." Her brow creases with concern -- and she is, largely, concerned with Leina. She's trying to stay quite focused on that. "It is better I go, and not the people who have treated you well. It is better that I do this. I wish to keep you safe, as well... I know She frightens you terribly. I don't want you to live in fear of Her gaze turning upon you."
She blinks away some tears of her own -- but she tries, at least, not to call attention to them.
"You don't have to forgive me." And that hurts most of all, and she has to take a moment, closing her eyes and taking another breath in, to avoid qualifying the statement. She looks back to Leina, and says: "But whatever you would like to say to me, I will hear. My door is open to you. I'll be coming by here often enough... and my number's not changed. I..."
She pauses, glancing aside, for a moment, before she looks back to her. "I realised, when I saw those awful things -- how wretched I could be. I looked at that woman wearing my face, and I hated her... I couldn't conceive of someone who would hurt her wife that way. And not only her, but everyone who trusted her... I hated it, but I could understand it, too. I knew... just what her logic must be. Even what she must have gone through, since I felt something which must have been much the same, when the Psycho-Jammer targeted me." Not 'when Leina used it on her'. She's trying. "And I hated that I knew... because it meant we weren't entirely different. Even though we're different people."
Yuliana shakes her head, quieting for a moment. "So," she explains, "so that's why. That's why I wanted to apologise. Because I'm better than she was, but that doesn't mean I'm good. And I feel a responsibility to clean up after her mess... since it all came down to me. I can't change how much I've hurt you, Leyasha, but I -- I wanted to try. Because you do, you know -- you deserve better than pain. And it isn't your fault that pain is more comfortable to you, either. The fault was mine for taking advantage of that... though I knew we both saw the emptiness of men."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
There's a quick nod, despite her surprise that she can agree, but to what she says next, "Is it? What if it's what she wants? You to think this is the right call."
And indeed, given her past history, it doesn't feel like a stretch.
"She wants you after all, nothing else matters to her."
Doubt floods her, not just for Yuliana, but for the world - for everything. "This has been a rigged game from the start." She murmurs, frustrated.
"... Eight?" She then nods, as she considers the predicament in full, "That's probably right." She says softly, because Magallanica... well... "I'm glad they'll be taken care of."
Part of her was... well, she shouldn't say uncertain that Yuliana wouldn't take care of them, it's just the manner by which they would be.
It's always been hard for her to understand Yuliana's feelings, and thus, she doesn't understand her feeling bad - indeed, she's always wanted to believe she does because...
... it's what she always wanted, Yuliana to desire to be a better person, to change. Why is it now, when she's leaving, that...
There's a hesitant nod, then she closes her eyes, "I suppose it would be unreasonable for me to keep asking then... if your mind is made up."
Even if it means, perhaps she'll never know if she can.
"... It's not living in fear that I'm afraid of, as strange as that sounds."
Perhaps some part of her has been used to living in fear for a long time - it's about living, while living in fear.
"Whatever I'd like to say... that's, hard. It's... mmmm... it's always been messy, you and I, right?"
...
...
...
"But... whatever I may think now, ten, twenty years from now - the fact that you changed my life? That's certain. For the better - the worse? ...I don't know."
Her eyes look her over, "Maybe if I hadn't gotten into that mobile suit... Vist never would have considered taking me, and I'd just be going to the University in Spain right now, but... that doesn't make it your fault. The people we meet... the choices we make... it's like dominos. You knock the first one over, and what happens next is up to where it falls."
The God that is Possibility, perhaps. It is not always a good thing.
She listens, chest tight as Yuliana tells her what she saw in the mirror, then relaxes, somewhat. "Even without the other Elisa... the other Yuliana, it was rigged from the start but... sometimes, it can give you perspective to see the 'House'."
Then quietly she adds, "It's the first step really, to say you want to change and really mean it - to dislike the person you are - and want to be better. I want to see the person you'd become... myself."
She scrunches those eyes shut, "I'd... really like to see it. It'd probably be... the first time I got to." But she sighs, and releases a breath, "I don't know. I just think it'd be nice to see it for once."
She's never gotten to...
"There was someone once who tried to kill me, but still, just after - I thought I'd very much like to be family. She... never got to apologize even."
She slides her hand back, "Maybe... the fact that you did, just has to be enough. It's not my life to live. I just... wish you'd take responsibility by living it here."
A few more droplets patter down and she rubs at her face again, "Whether you're bad or not - whether you hurt me or not - whether you took advantage of me or not - I don't know... all I ever wanted was for you to get a chance to live."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"She wants me," Yuliana agrees, "but She wants me for Herself. That I would deny the past world -- that I would slay Her -- She has never been angrier. I honestly don't think this is the way She wants it, Leyasha. I am sure She will make her final efforts to grasp me, to -- fix me..."
She glances down, teal lashes veiling her eyes, and she is afraid. "... but Her patience is through. If She isn't successful in this time, She will simply go back and try another. And I doubt She will leave us in peace, when She goes. She ended one world in Her fury... She would eat our stars, too."
Yuliana hums assent, when Leina calls it a rigged game, nodding along. And again, when she asks about Eight: "It is better this way," she says, quietly. "The children wished to join us... but they are not old enough to know what they ask for, not really. I grieve to leave the boys, as well... but our parents will be with them."
She wonders whether it would have been better for her never to adopt them at all, if they'd just know the loss of losing more guardians. She doesn't voice that, though.
"If you want to be unreasonable," Yuliana says, gently, "you are welcome to. I'm the last person to tell someone else they oughtn't be, after all." How many times has she been an unreasonable woman? "But... my mind is made up, yes."
She tilts her head, when Leina says she's not afraid of living in fear, and nods as she asks about their messiness. "That's right." And how she's changed her life...
"Dr. Devi made me into the woman I am," Yuliana agrees. "So it's always been rigged. Well," she sighs, "maybe I made your life better in some ways and worse in others... though... it was more worse than better." She wants to say she supposes it was worse, but she pauses on the thought a little longer to revise it. She doesn't want to spare her ego by running over Leina's, though she has to remind herself she doesn't. "But it's not like you can't see it at all. I'm... trying to set it right. What I can, anyway. My teacher asked me who I was, and it was a terribly confronting question... but he said that if you have rules in place, even murderers can be said to be good people, going forward. So I thought -- I must just tell myself, until I hear it -- that I won't be like that woman I saw."
She smiles, sadly, as she folds her hands on the table. "I'm not Elpeo, Leyasha," she tells her. "I never was. I just benefited from reminding you of her, though that wasn't terribly fair, either. I mean -- it wasn't fair at all," she shakes her head, because that one slipped through. "I know you wanted to save me, because you felt like you didn't save her. Right? But you did. If not for you -- and people like you, Judyan, Yaka, Koyan, Boss, Dr. Kimura, Li Shifu, and, I suppose, even people like Reka and Eight and Sharochka, though I hurt them just the same -- I'm quite sure I'd not have reached this verdict. I would have just found some other reason why I wasn't at fault... and I was the greatest victim of all. I can imagine all too easily a conversation like this where I demand you dress my wounds while stabbing you in the back, as I've done a dozen times before."
She shakes her head, again. "But I won't die," she says. "Or at least, I've no intention of doing so. I will continue living, in the Void... and it is a more neutral place than the Empress's anguish would suggest of it. The Void is neither good nor evil, but simply a tool made long ago, its purpose long-forgotten. Even if no one comes with us, into that place... Elya and I will be able to fill it with life. We will not want. We will be as Gods."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"You're not even her wife." Leina says quietly, "The other... Yuliana, but she doesn't care. Maybe... that's what she thinks she can fix."
It's an awful thought, to think maybe - that was part of what Yuliana became, because the Empress was trying to turn her into someone else.
Somebody that she used to know.
But... "I know it's the right call for... 'the greater good' whatever you want to call that, but - I just don't like that you're having to sacrifice... your life here, for... something that was decided for you."
There's this shake of her head, "Yes it's your decision, but it's also what feels like the only decision."
There's a hesitant nod, "They aren't... and I'm not sure they'd really understand anyway." It does suck for them, to think another set of parents will be leaving them but...
"Nngh... you being the reasonable one makes me feel even worse about being the unreasonable one."
There's a wry smirk at that one, despite the sadness, but at least there's a moment of humor before she sighs at the mind being made up.
"Set right." She echoes those words, as she listens to the rest, "I think sometimes there's just no setting right some things." She tells her honestly, also not trying to spare her ego, if they're speaking honestly here.
"But... there is doing it right going forward. And if we have a month. That's one month. If we can't balance the scales, we can at least make better memories during that time."
She smiles hesitantly, like she's trying to be brave here, trying to accept this compromise, but her heart aches despite her best efforts.
The knowledge that the world was just going to sacrifice someone else to its cruelty. It's so easy for her to comprehend it, so difficult for her to accept it.
"They say Judau killed a lot of people during the war. Some of those deaths... to get to me. Maybe that makes him a murderer in the eyes of some." She smiles wanly, "But I would never call him a bad person... he's a great person... he's just also a pain in my ass."
Her not being Elpeo causes her smile to falter, "I know. Well... most of the time I know. I can't really say you're wrong. I guess I just always wanted to make things right myself... but there's no option to do that for the dead."
She looks up slowly like she's trying to see beyond something, and of course not able to at the moment, "She wants to me to be happy, now. I want her to be here. ... It's selfish of me, I know. The fact that we're connected - it's not the same as making things right while they're still alive... but, it's not nothing either."
But... Yuliana does list off the people that she hurt, and who tried to save her. How she'd have made excuses in the past, and Leina slowly nods.
"... It just feels like... everyone who's saved... doesn't get much time after." She says mournfully, "There's never enough time."
She then says she'll continue living, and Leina takes a moment to comprehend that and...
"As Gods." She murmurs, and Leina looks rueful at that, "I don't know, I guess I've never put much stock in godhood. I'm not Rita... or Banagher. I'd just rather you just... be here." There's a soft sigh, and then a smile, "Ah well. Promise you won't change so much you'll forget about me?"
She still has a hard time comprehending the idea that it's a 'neutral' place, that Yuliana won't change to become something utterly inhuman, but...
... she wants to believe in better.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"She does," Yuliana says. "She doesn't see any difference between me and her. She's angry... that I would dare to deny 'myself'. But that woman isn't me," she insists, her own voice quiet. "And I never married the Empress. She just... oversaw the wedding."
They knew they were bound by Her, even then.
"... maybe it's karma," Yuliana shrugs a shoulder. "I was always sacrificing others to survive... I wouldn't have put up with much inconvenience for the sake of other people. Even now, it's not like it's entirely altruistic... I want to be able to live in peace with my wife, despite what she did to me under the Empress's gaze. But she's forgotten enough of her own humanity that I doubt the world would ever be comfortable with her... and I don't think she'd be happy, restraining herself to live amongst men. I've changed like that, a little, too... and part of me does want to claim what's mine, even knowing I can't look back."
She does sigh, thinking of the children. "I tell them it is not their fault," she says, "but I don't know if they'll believe it. I... do hope they'll be all right."
She does smile, at least, when Leina complains about how reasonable she's being. "I had to pick up how it worked sometime," she points out. "I've known you long enough." Leina was, generally speaking, always the reasonable one.
She listens to Leina's verdict on the scales, though, and nods. "... all right. Then let's make better memories, Leyasha. Why don't you keep a scrap book? I've had some success with those." Of course Yuliana's made scrapbooks. It's such survived-to-her-thirties behaviour.
"It's the quality of the murders," she points out. "Not to say that -- well, to be honest, I am saying -- no, my point is, Judyan does not approach killing as I did." Even if she IS good at it and her murders ARE high-quality. "So it is different, between the two of us. Though," she pauses, lifting a finger, "I suppose I'm also a pain in your arse, so there is that."
She tilts her head, folding her hands back down on the table, when Leina talks about Elpeo too. "I am sorry," she says, "for your loss. I can see it was hard on you. Is, hard on you. And I am sorry to repeat these feelings for you, once again. But you know, it isn't so bad to be selfish... so long as you're not only selfish, I suppose." Someone like her could probably stand to be a fair bit less selfish, if she steps back and tries to think outside herself about it, but Leina could stand to be a little more.
"I promise," she says, at once, after listening quietly to Leina's mourning. "Indeed, Sharochka has already impressed upon me the practicalities of making sure to preserve a more human avatar, should the Void ever be breached again. I should not like to drive men mad just to look upon me. And in the doing, I am sure we will keep something of our mortal perspectives, too... though no doubt we will still change. But I will not forget, no matter how many more of these I spout." She lifts a tentacle and waves it about, demonstratively. "And... though I only have a short while longer here, I will have eternity after that. Time flows differently, in the Void, and I will not soon run dry of it."
She pauses, glancing down at her hands, thinking to herself for a moment. Is it better for her, to ask her next question, or for Leina? ... she can't tell, but...
"... would you like a hug?" She asks, at length. "I mean -- it's up to you. But either way, you know -- I am here, right now. I can offer you that much."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"I do." Is Leina's simple rejection of the idea that they're no different, even if it's not something Yuliana voiced concern about. "You're not her. I saw what she was like. That you could have been her... is irrelevant." There's quiet resolve as she notes, "You're you."
Maybe it's Karma?
"I can't... let myself believe that. It was her choice to pay what was done to her forward. The decision of a person - not a Goddess." She eventually relays to her. "What the other 'you' did, those sins can't be placed on you."
There's certainty in that tone, "As for your wife. I don't know what the answer is. I can't even say how responsible she is for what she did to you. That's a difficult question. People tell me I'm not responsible for what I did under Murasame's programming - but - that goes far beyond even that. But... at the very least, I think both of you should look to the future with an eye towards healing."
She sucks in a breath, and looks sideways, "I still think it's a bad idea. I don't think both of you are still even... processing this, and neither of you are ready to make a decision you can't take back, but..."
But, well... she did say she'd stop asking her to stay.
"Kids are always tougher than adults think." Leina replies, "I won't say they'll get over it, but they'll figure it out in their own way."
Scrapbook?
There's a light laugh, "Actually I did, I just gave it to Judau when he came back to Jupiter." She smiles to her, "And I have another for all my future wedding plans, not that I"m even engaged yet - I've just. I don't know. I've always been the type to overprepare for my future."
Settling down, then, she considers the matter, "I'll have to borrow a printer... maybe Sayaka can loan me one..." Turning her phone on, she checks the texts after and-
its okay
better than just okay
tell u later
It's just a quick response, but... "The 'Quality' of the murders." She echoes, a little deadpan, "Yeah, pretty aware of that part already." She says a little cheekily before that tone fades and, "Mmmm. Yeah, I won't lie. More than just a pain." There's probably hundreds of sessions of therapy worth of emotional weight in their relationship, but...
... that much is true of Elpeo too...
"I'm not sure it ever really healed. Not really. Even after... everything two years ago." She murmured quietly, "Maybe I'm just... repeating the same pattern." It's a difficult admission, but, in this moment she makes it. "I don't know. Maybe the problem was just that I was never selfish enough for my own good."
It's a rumination on it, that she has difficulty making as she blinks, and-
"Thanks." She smiles at her promise, before the smile changes, "Maybe it's a lesbian thing." A small joke, a tease, "To want to drive men mad just for looking at you." It's clear she's not serious. "... I'm glad you're trying to preserve yourself. I'll... have to talk to Shari soon..."
An eternity?
"Hmmm. Eternity... I wonder if the idea really exists." What her thoughts are on that, she keeps to herself, maybe things as of late have changed it...
A hug?
"... Ha." She grins, "I'd love a hug." And despite the proximity causing the perception to cut off, that doesn't make the hug less pleasant really, not when you can anchor yourself upon someone else, in that grip.
"Let me go grab a printer... and we'll see about that scrapbook."