2024-11-21: ?what rules define a good persoN
- Log: ?what rules define a good persoN
- Cast: Yuliana Kafim, Li Yao
- Where: The Silent Castle, Kaffeklubben Island
- Date: 2024-11-21 (ICly 0099-11-15)
- Summary: Yao helps Yuliana come to grips with the revelations following Change, as Yuliana grapples with the idea that she might not, in fact, be a good person.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
In the homely East Wing of the Silent Castle, it's far more livable -- including the sitting-rooms, dotted around the spiralling tower, hosting fireplaces to keep the spaces warm. A fire crackles here, now, and servants have brought up tea; Yuliana holds a cup in both hands, tentacles wrapped about her knees, all coiled up on one of their innumerable fainting couches.
She didn't want to be alone, but that's why Elisa left her in Yao's care, isn't it?
"I... didn't believe I was being controlled for a long time," she says, looking down at her green tea, all mixed in with honey. (They have to import it from quite far out; there aren't many bees around here.) "Not with the Republic, either. I thought I was the one using others... well, that was also true." She sighs, and takes another sip. "But I was going back to the lab on weekends... for stuff like that. I mean, sometimes it wasn't experiments, it was just injections, medical screenings... especially after Elya put the screws to them."
Yuliana frowns down at her ceramic cup, a delicate white thing with flower petals hand-painted on the side. "But when they betrayed me, it became so obvious. They... had a set of words they'd use, you know, to make me do as they pleased. I even attacked my own wife, I was furious after she killed Dr. Devi... even though Dr. Devi tried to cook my brain! You know, the Doctor -- she wanted to use my body to harvest the cells she put in there -- just keep my body alive so they'd have a source for their clones. And I just laid on the table and let her do it," she says, her frill wilting. "I didn't even know to think that was strange."
Her frown deepens, staring down at her tea. The thought of throwing it crosses her mind, but she closes her eyes and counts to ten, instead.
"When Leyasha pointed out how the Empress was controlling me, too, I was terrified Elya had done the same thing. I asked her, you know. I asked her if she was controlling me, and she said she wasn't..." She takes a deep breath, and it trembles, in the deep chassis of her lungs and out through her throat. "I guess -- if I think about it -- it was an exact answer. You know, she wasn't doing that to me -- right now. But I didn't think of it that way. I just thought... of course she wasn't. Of course she wouldn't!"
Yuliana bites at her lip, with one too many teeth, the fang on her right side digging into the layered scar tissue of her lower lip. "I should be pleased she decided to tell me the truth," she says, sinking down against the couch. "Or... relieved. But I find these feelings all roiling inside me... that it happened again. That it happened with her. I ask you," she says, looking up to Yao after that awful explaination, "how can I be sure any of me is myself?"
<Pose Tracker> Li Yao has posed.
You ever have one of those days where it feels like you may be the only difference between someone willing to save the world and someone deciding to destroy it. Li Yao can now certainly say he has had one of those days. Still he remains silent as he listens to Yuliana, standing near the fire and watching it, partially as he doesn't want Yuliana to read any slips of facial expressions. Finally a question is asked, and Yao can only think of one answer, "Nosce te ipsum."
Yep Yao tossed out good ole' latin, which who knows how long that language has been dead but it was the best answer the old man can think of. Slowly he reaches into a pocket and pulls out a cigarette but doesn't light, instead just preferring the weight of it in his fingers. "Know thy self. At least that is what the old master would say if this was one of those cheesy martial art movies. Only you can know you. " Finally he turns to look at Yuliana with sympathy. "I can't answer the question. Only thing I can comfort you with is that you aren't alone."
Yao moves over and sits to meet her on eye level, " Everyone gets controlled, manipulated , and whatever other term you want to use to say that you got used. The smart people admit they have been controlled, those who can't are either to prideful or to stupid. " Fidgeting his finger shifts the cigarette back and forth as he seeks better advice. "So let's just try it, tell me about Yuliana. Who is Yuliana at her core."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Originally," Yuliana points out, perhaps surprisingly, "the meaning of the phrase was to know your limits. To know where you stood in the world, to know what you were capable of, to know you were mortal. It wasn't until Plato that it became a meditation on one's own soul -- most sources put his writings on the phrase as a hundred years past when it first appeared. At least!"
Of course she speaks Latin. Of course she knows the context of Latin. She's insufferable, really.
Her frills fan out, as Yao looks at her that way. "I know," she says, shifting to give him space on the fainting couch. It's not difficult; they're expansive and comfortable. "And of course it's not just me. But it's not always -- like this. This... brainwashing, as I guess you'd call it," though she's embarrassed to say it so plainly, judging by the way she looks aside.
"Who am I...?" She wonders, still looking back at the fireplace instead of at Yao. "I thought I was a hero, beleaguered by a thousand doubters and setbacks... but just a timeline ago, I set out to bring the world to oblivion just so it would line up with the abyss in my head. And -- the me in those pages -- she was quite convinced of her righteousness, just the same. I once told Admiral Orlodhari that of course I enjoyed what I did, for I didn't much have a choice, but... if that's true, why isn't every labrat a sadist?" She takes in another deep breath. "I think -- perhaps it's some deep flaw in me -- that I was always twisted enough to do the things I did. There were many things I didn't have to do... gleefully, I did them anyway. Because it made me feel better, vented my stress, put me on top..."
Her frills wilt down, on either side of her head. "And it's that thinking which made that woman wearing my face treat her wife that way. I was so angry to see someone who looked like Elya being used so callously... but of course I understood the logic. Why she'd... choose to treat her as she did. What if the core of me -- is just an awful woman?" Her tentacles clutch tighter about her knees, as she thinks on it. "I saw that, and -- I don't like myself. I really don't like myself, Shifu. It wasn't just her wife, it was the whole world... and all the people who trusted her, too."
<Pose Tracker> Li Yao has posed.
Yao listens, with that look of sympathy and concern but also the eyes that say he is really listening. He in fact even smiles a little at the know-it-all moment appreciating it. " I am an old man Yuliana, I have seen much worse 'brainwashing' than you think. Have you ever just watched teenagers, that is some heavy brainwashing that a lot of them have to suffer through for the rest of your life." Yao attempts a quick injection of humor at the cost of all the teenagers out there and he feels quite proud of that technique.
At the mention of the pages Yao bops Yuliana with the two fingers holding the cigarette. "I am sorry, did Yuliana Kafim become a fictional character from a book in the last hour. Should I expect Snow White and Sleeping Beauty for some tea later?" Yao shakes his head as he gives her a look, "You are not some character whose entire life is crafted by a story book. You are Yuliana Kafim, and no matter how many came before you are the one and only now. So you define who she is not some damn book."
"Still you have moved from knowing yourself to questioning what makes one good or evil. Next you will ask why is the sky blue and the ice cold. " The old man finally moves and paces for a moment as if he is seeking the answer to the question as he contemplates the best way to answer the question. Finally he comes to a decision.
"Let's change the subject. Am I a good man?"
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Oh, don't get me started about the Republic's school system," Yuliana grumbles, on the subject of teenagers. Indoctrination of the youth is another subject entirely!
She scowls, though, as Yao bops her. Her first instinct, of course, is to punch him right back for the insult -- even knowing that she's never been able to hit him in their sparring matches -- but she clamps down on her pique and just gives him a withering look, instead. "Well excuse me!" She snaps, only to deflate, a moment later. "No... I suppose you wouldn't know how I coped with it, would you? When the Empress was communing with me -- for many years -- I thought I was the only real person alive, and I was just reading a book someone had written about this world, full of fictional characters I was immersed with. Dr. Devi knew that's how I viewed the world, so... that's why Istantarik came out the way it did, I guess." Its wings flipping like the pages of a book, showing a tale she could only read.
She takes another sip of her tea, as she contemplates the question he poses to her. "You've our esteem," she says, "so I suppose it's an open question, if I am the way I am. But... you don't seem like a bad man to me. Harsh, certainly, but that's hardly an ethical judgement. So why shouldn't I call you a good man?"
<Pose Tracker> Li Yao has posed.
Yao grins at being called a good man, " I am a man who has lied and killed. Who has betrayed himself for selfish desires. Who has decided on more then one occasion he is judge, jury, and executioner and then decided to be a coward who sought death. So now I am not a good man, I am simply a man with rules." Yao finally takes an empty cup and pours his own tea as he lets that sit in.
"I grew up in a world of rules, I lived by those rules, I betrayed those rules, and eventually I found more rules. The rules make me a good person in the eye of the general public. Perhaps truly good people don't need rules, perhaps they are just better rule followers. So is Yuliana a rule follower." Yao's face gains a smirk as he sips a tea as if to imply they both know the answer.
"Is Yuliana a person who can love? Is she someone who cares if her friends or family dies? Is she someone who can cry when she is sad, yell when she is angry, and smile when she is happy? " Yao waits a moment as he takes another sip, " I think those questions are more important on whether she is a good or bad person. I am happy to say that Yuliana can do all those things and is much better off now then she has ever been because she can do those things."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yao talks about lying, killing, and betraying himself -- and Yuliana just kind of looks at him, baffled, as if she's not entirely sure why any of those things disqualify him from being a good person.
(So she's still Yuliana, then.)
"Of course I did," she says, in sequence. "The Republic is nothing if not orderly. All my appearance of unruliness was a loose fit across those laws." She pauses, and adds: "... then, I began to follow my wife's, I suppose." If only Elisa's rules didn't change without warning, as if her own order were only a thin sheet thrown over chaos.
"And -- and of course I do! I have all the feelings! Constantly! Too much!" As if to illustrate her point, her voice raises as she insists on it. "I just -- I can't stand the idea that -- those feelings aren't mine."
She shakes her head, and takes another sip. "Ugh, I don't know... does that mean I just... need more rules? I wouldn't exactly call myself the most disciplined person..." Whether she's accurate in that assessment is another thing entirely, but she certainly sees herself as unruly.
<Pose Tracker> Li Yao has posed.
Yao laughs at her insistence of being a rule follower and then as he continues to show off her emotions. "I think Yuliana, you will be just fine. You are you, you are not the past or the future. You are not bad, nor are you always good but no one is always good. You love, you care, and you want to be happy. You learn a little bit of self control, a little bit of confidence in yourself and you will be just fine" Taking a moment for another sip he looks at the fire.
"As for that nightmare you keep repeating about being cruel. You love your wife, and to everyone else she may be...well whatever she is. To you however she is simply your wife as human as you. Some days you will be cold and cruel and some days she will be cold and cruel. Sometimes you will say a joke and it will hurt her and vice versa. The important thing is always what comes next. Do you both just let it be? Do you both talk about it? Do you reach out and hold her hand and remind her that even in the worse of times you will be by her side? " Yao sets the cup down and goes back to fidgeting again as a little bit of emotion wraps in his voice as he simply watches the fire.
"Marriage is work, relationships are work, if you want it to be forever you work on it. You both respect the other, you both try your best to never be cruel or mean or abusive to each other and when you do you recognize it and keep working to make it better. So you don't want to be like that other Yuliana, accept that one day you may be mean to her. Also acknowledged that on the day you are cruel to her you will swallow whatever pissed you off, you will go up to her and apologize. Growing up means learning to wipe your own ass, after all."
Of course there is another nightmare scenario that Yao does have to bring up. "Growing up also means understanding loss. It's shit. On that day every ounce of happiness dies. It feels colder than ice and all you want is to die too." Yao sighs heavily before looking at Yuliana, "However they wouldn't want that, they would want you to continue to be and someday you remember how to smile." Yao smiles before he stands up and hovers by the fire.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"No one is always good, huh...?" Yuliana wonders, tapping a finger against her teacup. "... that's always been something of a mystery, to me. Everything is always the most."
She can't deny that her opinion of Elisa is much different to the world's, though, even if she holds her above all others. Working on it, constantly... it's a much different idea to the concept that she'd just achieve something, just the once.
What a lot of work! (Yes, Yuliana, that's what he said.)
She does bark out a laugh, though, when Yao tells her what growing up means. "You're horrible, old man!" She exclaims, in good humour.
Except... there's loss, too. "I've lost very much," she says, softly. "But I've caused others to know loss, haven't I? I left Leyasha to stew in her own control, and now she'll never know what might have happened if she'd been saved earlier... I took the careers of more than one young soldier away just to take my stresses out on them. I wasn't always good to young Sharochka, either... I was quite hard on her, sometimes. It's hard for me to think how they must feel... but I do feel very cold. You know, ever since Dr. Devi assured me how easy it would be to get rid of her failures and start over, I've never much cared for admitting any kind of... fault. But... maybe I ought to."
She sighs, looking at her teacup. "... and I ought to speak with my wife," she says, at length. "It's a little... difficult for me to know if it will do much... though she's always wanted me to share everything with her. But I'm sure it wasn't easy to admit she did that. Maybe... it won't go so badly?" It's impossible for her to pin down, of course, just why she would say that it would go badly. Those conversations always go well, after all. It's just an unsettling note which she tries to sit with. "She loves me," Yuliana says, "though she -- does struggle, at times, with mortality. She does not know it well. But she loves me, and I love her. And that must be enough."
She pauses, and adds: "If we... work on it, right?"
<Pose Tracker> Li Yao has posed.
Yao looks at Yuliana and smiles warmly, "And who says your to thick to learn anything."
Yao moves back from the fire and looks at Yuliana still sitting on the couch. "So you sound to me like you are doing better. So why are you still sitting around in here with an old man and not running off to your wife. Tsk." Shaking his head at her as he offers her a hand up.
"Every one makes fault, have you seen the platypus, someone who called themselves a god fucked up. Everything has fault and fucks up, being a badass means you own it and keep moving forward however that is a lecture for another time. For now you need to go teach your wife who struggles with mortality the best lesson about it. That time together is precious. This way this old man can smoke in peace." Yao gruffs at her but it is all in good humor.
Taking one more look at Yuliana he adds, "You will be ok if you keep working on you , and you will both be great if you both work together. Now really thats it for old man philosophy for the night. I just saw a fucking dragon, you kids today may think thats a normal thing but when I was kid aliens being real was still the new topic, I need time to process the whole dragon thing."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Yes," Yuliana smiles, to him. "I suppose I am doing better, now. Ah... thank you, Shifu. I'm glad you were with me." But has to laugh -- again -- when Yao insults the mighty platypus. "I hate to admit it," she smiles, shaking her head, "but you're right."
Then, of course, he surprises her again. She does a double-take as she's leaning forward to put her emptied teacup down on the coffee table. "Eh? You've never seen a dragon before?" Her frills raise, as she says: "Of course you have! Why, look at me!" Not everyone would look at Yuliana and presume she was a dragon woman with the kind of dragons which come out of the Void compared to Earth myth, but it might be more obvious having seen one of those horrid eldritch things.
"But if you're sure you'd like some time alone," she allows, after that moment's pause, "I'll go find Elya. And -- er -- thanks, again. I know I complain an awful lot, but I really am glad Elya sought you out."
With that, she bustles out, a tentacle reaching back to close the door.
Wait, two snake heads, one human head...
... she's a hydra?!