2024-09-18: Things That Don't Change
- Log: 2024-09-18: Things That Don't Change
- Cast: Emilia Eschonbach, Milly Ashford
- Where: Asticassia School of Technology
- OOC - IC Date: 17 September 0099
- Summary: Emmy and Milly finally talk face to face for the first time in literal years. It was suppose to be a reunion. It wasn't supposed to be the end of their relationship.
<Pose Tracker> Emilia Eschonbach has posed.
It had been almost two years.
Almost two years since that heart to heart in Milly's bedroom. Almost two years since it became clear the Black Knights were not winning Area 11. Almost two years since she had had to flee. Almost two years since she and Milly had seen each other face to face.
Sure, there had been the brief interaction during the mission, but they hadn't even spoken since. She had hoped to catch up with Milly during her (hypothetically) one time visit to Asticassia, but that hadn't happened either. Not to mention the fact that she hadn't encountered Milly in that context since.
So it was hardly unexpected that she was anxious. She didn't like Asticassia already- only a few people she knew here were even people she could stand. But this added extra weight to the visit.
Today, Emilia's wearing a light blue sun dress with a cardigan over the top and high end white flats. Her makeup is back to it's usual immaculate nature- and she's using her prosthetic eye instead of her eyepatch today, for obvious reasons.
Coming to a halt at an office door, Emilia takes a deep breath in, and knocks. She was on time, a minute or two early at most.
Still... the nerves were far outweighing the happiness she had expected from today.
<Pose Tracker> Milly Ashford has posed.
Milly knows this is coming, of course -- and truth told, she's a little happy but more than a little worried. She remembers what she saw of Emilia on that operation, before the 'Prince' gently asked her to keep an eye on things elsewhere and reduce the amount of direct coordination she does on Asticassia.
It was... a little bewildering, to say the least; it's not that she couldn't see Emilia being in that place, especially after everything she learned about Emilia when they parted.
... But it was still such a jarring difference from how she knew her as Student Council Treasurer, and it's that -- that shock-put-on-hold -- that bubbles to the fore of her feelings.
... Still, it's hard for her not to smile when she hears the knock. "Come in!" she calls, adjusting her coat a little and then settling back down in her seat.
The office is tasteful, and even surprisingly nice for a TA's office. You would hardly know the Earth Sphere was in disarray looking at it, though it is a little bare; Milly hasn't really made it 'hers' yet. There are a few desk toys -- a Newton's Cradle, a novelty samurai letter opener set -- and a solid few Ashford Academy-era photos on the walls -- group shots from GUTS events, primarily.
"It's -- been a long time," she says, once Emilia enters. For the moment, she stays seated.
<Pose Tracker> Emilia Eschonbach has posed.
With permission granted, Emilia steps through the door into the office, taking it in. It does keep that air of a place isolated from the world- but it also feels kind of... separate from the person who occupies it. There are touches there, sure, but it's not like the student council room. A place so permeated with the spirit of Milly Ashford that even after she had graduated, she was still there- and what few touches there are aren't exactly recent memories.
"It h-has." Emmy responds, quieter than she had intended. She walks toward to the desk, with none of the difficulties she had at the start of the year. Rehab went well for her. Indeed, in many respects, Emilia is looking healthier than when Milly saw her last. But under the makeup, the tiredness is still there. Still visible, if one knows where to look. She's not carrying that sheer joy she had in some of those rare moments at Ashford with her, either.
She's not the girl Milly met over three years ago, there's a confidence she carries that she didn't have before. But also a new sort of guardedness to her movements, even as she sits across from Milly.
She's silent for a few moments, trying to work out what to say. She had thought the conversation would come easily. Quickly.
Instead, she seems to struggle find the words, before eventually finding something.
"H-How have you been?"
<Pose Tracker> Milly Ashford has posed.
Emilia can't hide that tiredness from Milly -- and it heightens her concern. For a few moments, she's lost for what to say. For a lovers' reunion, this feels heavy.
It's Emilia who pushes them off into a proper conversation, though, and Milly has to take a moment to think about how much to say. What should she say? 'I spent most of the break at a friend's house, and the last few weeks of it I didn't get out of bed'? It's true, but does Emilia need to know that?
"Getting used to being on campus again," she says instead. Also true, and also unstable -- but invites less probing. (When did she get scared of that? She told herself that once she was out from her marriage obligations, these conversations would be easier to have. ... It doesn't matter.)
"It's /really/ been a long time," she eventually adds. "You're... looking well!"
On some level, it is registering to her that she's not the person she was when they last genuinely spoke... but she's not sure how, or why, or what to do with it. She'd imagined a warm hug, a tear-streaked reunion...
... She remains seated.
<Pose Tracker> Emilia Eschonbach has posed.
It wasn't the tone Emilia had expected either to be honest. She had been hoping that Milly would have invited something warmer, something happier. An invite to a cafe. Or even to the place she lived. Not... a quiet discussion in her office.
"Right. Yeah, I c-can guess th-that takes some getting used to." It took Emilia time to adjust to getting back to school, sure but there were other barriers.
tMilly repeats the fact of things before making a statement. That's... probably all the invitation she's going to get.
"Th-thanks." It's not said with the enthusiasm she had hoped. "I've, um. A-Audrey took me in after we..." She pauses intentionally, rather than her words giving out on her. Her eyes scan the room again. She moves to make a quick hand sign- the Black Knights wordless symbol for asking about bugs- before she realises that's not one Milly would know. "After m-martial law was ended." She settles on, looking for a slip of paper or something to write on the desk. Something definitely not easily monitored in this corporate owned, NUNE allied space.
It's easier to tell, as she searches, that her left eye doesn't move the way her right does. The artificiality of it becomes more obvious. It's not organic, nor is it a cybernetic replacement. It's just a simple prosthetic that matches her right eye as best as possible.
"S-so, things have been... easier, I guess." She settles on.
That's a statement likely to raise even more questions, though. If she's been living with her cousin, why then has she been fighting with who she has?
<Pose Tracker> Milly Ashford has posed.
There is paper, and inside the base of Milly's letter opener assembly, a pen; when she starts looking across the desk for something, Milly looks briefly surprised, then realizes that this is more discretion and nods to Emilia. She slides a piece of scrap paper across the table for her, and points to the half-hidden pen.
"Audrey? That makes sense," Milly answers her. She looks thoughtful for a moment; she knows -- given her participation in Dawn of Fold's early goings -- that Audrey and Magallanica are not the slice of Zeon involved with that.
Her brow furrows a bit. "If you're living with Audrey, are you thinking of settling down?" she asks, cautiously. "She lives on Magallanica, doesn't she? That seems like a nice place, though I don't think I've ever been..."
Milly digests that prosthetic eye a bit, too. How much fighting has Emilia been doing...?
<Pose Tracker> Emilia Eschonbach has posed.
With the paper slid to her, Emmy quickly jots down 'bugged? secure? safe to talk?' in Japanese rather than English. Another habit from the life she had kept from Milly. But she has to be cautious. She has to be.
"I-it is." Emilia keeps her responses short until Milly has the ability to respond one way or the other. "B-but it's..." She pauses again. Hadn't living in space been what she dreamed of? Hadn't family been what she dreamed of?
Maybe that was a dream she could have clung on to before she knew what she knew, before she'd done what she'd done.
"I... t-tried to. But I guess I c-c-couldn't manage it." She says, after a few quiet moments. "I've b-b-been going to school there, and I've b-been looking at U-University and stuff. And Audrey's r-really nice and s-so are the people there." That is a touch of the Emmy Milly knew most. The one who, when given the opportunity, will just share freely. "It's j-just... It's n-not working out."
She looks down at the table for a moment, as if trying to work out what to say next. Normally, she'd just say everything, right? But...
For some reason, it's harder to say than she expected. "...It's l-like she thinks... N-n-never mind."
<Pose Tracker> Milly Ashford has posed.
Milly looks down at the paper for a few moments -- then, shakes her head. Taking the pen from Emilia, she writes back in Japanese, 'Two possible bugging agents. Neither should hear this.'
Emilia talks about moving forward -- about trying, at least. Looking at university... it sounds, at first, like she's trying to have a happy civilian life. "I think that'd be really good for you!" Milly says, and there's a little more enthusiasm there at the talk of Emmy's cousin, of taking steps forward. Something else comes out, though, and...
"Like she thinks what?" Milly asks, leaning in just a bit. (Something occurs to her as they talk about schooling, but she can't quite bring herself to talk about it just yet.) There's clearly something in that eye -- the real one, though even in the brow of the prosthetic -- that betrays some more difficult feelings...
... but Asticassia isn't Ashford, isn't Milly's private little domain. She doesn't feel like she can tug at things in the same way.
Milly remains seated.
<Pose Tracker> Emilia Eschonbach has posed.
"Y-yeah, maybe." She doesn't seem convinced, however. "It's b-b-been... hard. F-f-finding a school that f-fits. Sheryl-" Shit. Was that saying too much? Like it was hardly unknown that Emilia and Milly *knew* the Galactic Fairy after all. "...she, um, s-suggested maybe finding a school on th-the fleets." She says, after a few moments. "But... It's c-c-convincing Audrey. I h-had to ask, um... a m-mutual friend to even get her to l-let me go to a n-normal high school in the f-first place."
Finally, Milly asks a question. It's not exactly what Emmy had hoped for. "...l-like I'm w-w-weak." She says, eventually- with a little too much anger, and she stops herself, closing her eyes to breathe and try and calm down. She doesn't need to uncork that, not here. The students she encountered Asticassia- well, the ones who might remember her- thought she was another Britannian noble after all, if a smug one. Causing a scene would make things more difficult, right?
The message on the paper confirms her submissions, and Emilia nods. "I-I've still g-g-got some time." Emilia says, flippantly.
After all, it's not like she's put any real thought into what she'd study even if she did. Sure, college is a possibility for her now and yet...
It doesn't really hold any appeal right now.
<Pose Tracker> Milly Ashford has posed.
"I can imagine. Your family situation's a little complicated, and nothing's ever quite going to feel like Ashford," Milly reflects, on finding a school that fits. She doesn't hang on Sheryl -- for Milly, Sheryl is just a school acquaintance and none of this is that weird -- but does tilt her head at the mention of having to negotiate for going nto a normal high school.
When Emmy answers, though -- when that anger creeps in about her implicit weakness -- Milly fixes her with a look for a few seconds. Her gaze rests on that prosthetic eye for just a few seconds as she does so.
"I don't think that's unfounded. Even if you don't graduate until March because of your injuries, you really ought to be a little more serious about the future," and rather than that awkwardness there's more of the Milly from before they ever started dating at all -- the Milly who would see the pain point and put her hand on it firmly in response.
(Milly, of course, isn't thinking about the part where she spent a whole year fucking around on her grandfather's dime rather than move forward.)
<Pose Tracker> Emilia Eschonbach has posed.
There's a surprise sting in Milly's words, about nothing feeling like Ashford. It hits a nerve Emilia didn't expect- GUTS, Ashford, visiting other schools... all of the was totally lost to her now, wasn't it? Certainly her school in Magallanica could be a GUTS signatory, but as a student delayed a year, most of her closest friends in GUTS had moved on.
Or were MIA. Or KIA maybe.
There were names she recognized in the obituaries after the colony drop. Something she had been trying her hardest not to think about.
'I don't think that's unfounded.'
Emmy's eyes widened, and that anger, that pain, flares up. "You t-too!?" Emilia can't help herself, standing to her feet and slamming her hands on Milly's desk. "Y-y-you talk about th-th-the future like a c-c-colony drop didn't just h-happen! The w-worst so far!" She throws her hand outward, as if gesturing to the world. "Do y-y-you really think that now is the t-t-time to be th-thinking that f-f-far ahead!?"
There's more she wants to say, more she wants to scream- if it weren't for the reminder that the place wasn't safe.
"Th-th-this isn't. This isn't s-s-something that I c-can just w-w-wait out!" That's... vague enough. Hopefully she can settle on that, even as her feelings rise from a simmer to a rolling boil.
<Pose Tracker> Milly Ashford has posed.
The slam of hands on desk startles Milly; her chair slides back about a foot, and she feels her shoulder blades shift down and back just a bit. Nevertheless,
Milly remains seated.
"I'm talking about the future because a colony drop just happened!" she replies -- and she's only barely not at a shout herself. "You're giving yourself permission to just -- give up! Emilia," and here it isn't 'Emmy,' and maybe Milly doesn't even realize it isn't 'Emmy,' "You're turning 'I'm going to die before any of that matters' into a self-fulfilling prophecy!"
Her nostrils flare a little, and she -- frustrated as she is -- forces herself to switch to writing, just for the sake of discretion.
'If you keep flying the way you do, you're going to end up like that Hua Lian base after our first operation. I think you're so scared of there being' here she circles being twice 'a future that you're trying to make sure there isn't.'
She slides the paper across.
(Milly doesn't think about the justifications she gave herself for not looking for Emilia as soon as possible after Ashford's closure; she also doesn't think about the growing sensation that her solution to getting out from under her filial obligations was... to place significant control over her destiny... in the hands of some rich dickhead.)
(There's a lot Milly doesn't think about.)
<Pose Tracker> Emilia Eschonbach has posed.
Another knife drives into Emilia's heart, and it hurts. She thought that after they spoke in her bedroom, Milly understood. That she understood why Emilia was fighting, but after all that-
After all that, even Milly can't see that Emilia had changed.
"Wh-wh-what is wrong with you!?" Emilia cries back, her hands gripping the desk. "I c-can't just- I'm n-n-n-not- Y-y-y-y-you're-"
Despite the words not coming, Emilia doesn't look cowed like she used to when she felt her words unable to escape her throat. No, she looks even angrier, meeting Milly's gaze with her one remaining eye, and flaring with anger.
The note comes across and Emilia grabs it and stares at what's written. Milly thinks *that* little of her?
And yet... the defeats she felt run through her head. The second princess destroying her first Burai despite it being three on one. Brera hitting her so hard that she could barely stand- a second away from killing her, and would have without Ranka's fainting and Captain Zinnerman's intercession. Cascade's 'sister' dislocating her jaw and knocking out a tooth- her tongue touches the implant that took it's place as she remembers- and leaving her so concussed that Kallen needed to drag her off the ground. That man, Leonard Testarossa, putting the KMF that Kallen had entrusted to her through an entire stadium, picking apart Sousuke and pushing Kallen to her limit- two pilots so much better and stronger than she was. The remains of Kallen's brother, ambushing them and taking an eye, nearly taking Kaname- and then leaving Emilia broken on the deck of a cargo ship full of refugees before Leina saved her.
It burned that Milly thought she was that weak. That she'd die so easily. She was stronger now- she was a better pilot! Commander Sauper's training had made her better! Having a suit made for her, cutting edge, that she could use made her deadlier! No one the Gaia Sabers had thrown at her were strong enough to get in her way!
Yet. Were strong enough to get in her way yet.
She stares at the paper. The circled word.
"I-I-I'm sc-sc-scared?" Emmy manages, her voice quieter. "I'm the one wh-wh-who's scared!?" It's not stopping. The hurt, the anger, the loss, the suffering she went through.
"Wh-wh-what about you!?" It's too late to stop. It's too late to turn back. Now the thought has made it into her head, she has to say it. She can't just sit on this anymore.
"Where w-w-were you!?" She's trying hard not to bellow. "You had to kn-know where I w-w-was! A-A-Audrey r-reached out! H-Heck, Sheryl made time for me when she w-was coming out of quarantine and G-Gallia IV! R-Ranka kept up messages e-e-even though her schedule w-was busy! Even other G-GUTS students c-c-contacted me! People f-f-from the community ch-checked in on me- a st-stranger they didn't know, with n-no one there but her c-c-cousin! But all th-throughout r-r-recovery 'where were you?!"
She wants to cry as well as scream, but she can't. Crying would just justify to Milly that she's right to treat Emilia like she's made of porcelain that's already broken once. That she can't do anything- just like Mineva thinks, just like Leina thinks, just like Zero thinks! That she's a child who can't make a good decision, a child that deserves to have secrets kept from her, that doesn't deserve to be treated as a peer.
Her training kicks in, and she writes this time, stopping herself saying anything that could be overheard. 'During Martial Law, you didn't even' there's a long pause, her hand shakes gripping the pen. Her handwriting stops and starts, jagged and rough. The paper tears more than once. 'J-just staying the night! That's all! You didn't offer to come with me- to help me- you just floated an offer that I couldn't take because I didn't want to risk you getting targeted... Not while you wouldn't commit to anything! How am I supposed to think about the future when my girlfriend cares more about her family status and staying comfortable than me!'
She all but throws the paper at Milly, too angry to keep control of herself now. She's not just said something she can't take back- she's written it in front of them both- but she had to. It hurt too much to keep silent anymore, to bury the pain that Milly's absence had caused her.
<Pose Tracker> Milly Ashford has posed.
Milly's hands move to the desk. It's a tentative, slow thing; she grips too, but it's a completely different energy from the way Emilia seizes it. Her gaze turns down, and she watches Emilia work through it. She's no Newtype, but she can see when a feeling is building and so often her first instinct is to obliquely force it out.
"I had the vague idea you were out in Side 3, but --" Milly's voice catches in her throat as she realizes she can't justify this anymore, not the way she used to, not the way she'd like to. She was even in Zum City once to hammer out a hanging Ashford obligation before selling to Grassley. It would not have been terribly far.
Why didn't she?
She opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out -- which is just as well, because Emilia writes something and hands it to her. She takes a moment to smooth out the crinkles where pen tore paper, and she reads.
Her mouth opens and shuts a few times as she tries to figure out how to respond to it. Milly doesn't have Emilia's training, but muteness wins out for different reasons.
She looks down; her hand comes to her mouth; without really thinking of it, she leaves a smear of lip gloss across her index finger as her lip shifts a bit to one side, as if she were chewing the thought physically.
For the first time in her life, Milly really has no self-justification. Ashford -- the academy, the name, the five hundred year obligation lingering like a ghost even after the de facto revocation of the title so attached -- was always her excuse.
And now she's sold it off, of course, so she doesn't have it anymore.
Looking down at her desk with something like mourning in her eyes, she says, "... I -- have your things. From Ashford. Anything that wasn't lost in the chaos. They're on this Front, in a storage unit," trying to turn the conversation to something concrete -- trying to get distance from the feeling of stagnation now wrapping around her.
"The key's in my desk, if you want to... get them."
She reaches into it, and sure enough, pulls out a keycard and a cheap-looking brass key. The feeling of separation as she places it in front of herself, slides it a few inches toward Emilia, feels like a great stone placed atop her shoulders.
<Pose Tracker> Emilia Eschonbach has posed.
When Milly starts to give an excuse, Emmy waits for the excuse to come out. Something. Anything.
Any good reason. Any bad reason. Any reason.
For Milly to give her anything, to do anything, to say anything to her.
To give her any reason to stop being angry. Any reason for her pain. Any reason for the silence.
Something to cling to in the suffocating, crippling silence.
And the words she finally gets are anything but.
Emilia stares in disbelief at the key being slid toward herself. It cuts through everything else right now. For a few seconds, there's silence, and only silence. She looks at Milly, and then the key.
"Th-th-that's it, th-then." Her voice is quiet, but unlike the rest of this conversation, it's devoid of anything but pain.
This wasn't what she wanted- but it seems like it was all she was going to get.
She grabs the key and turns away in one motion- she doesn't want to look at Milly right now. She doesn't want Milly to see her right now. She has to...
Emilia walks toward the door, her body language shrinking. Not into the scared girl in the FSC rooms during the holidays. Not into the sneaky, supportive treasurer. Not even into the angry, berserk warrior.
Just into the same shield she wore all the time, when she was hurt or disappointed. The girl who would slide under the radar and vanish into thin air the second you stop looking at her.
"...Things th-that don't ch-ch-change..." Emilia murmurs, just barely audible- but audible nonetheless.
And then she steps out the door, and out of sight.
The only sign of her being here being teardrops on the floor and a piece of paper that can't be kept.
<Pose Tracker> Milly Ashford has posed.
"I... guess it is," Milly agrees, her expression dull. There are a thousand things she could say -- good, bad, in between. She can't imagine saying any of them at this point -- it feels like none of them would reach, anyway.
As Emilia takes the key, Milly realizes that she's given away what let her hold on to that connection; when she stands with it, turning and moving to leave, she raises a hand just slightly off the desk at last, trying to muster the urge to protest.
It's only once Emilia leaves that Milly allows herself to murmur, "... go extinct," looking off into nothing for several seconds.
Is that what she's doing in this office?
She reaches for her smartphone. Two taps.
"Hi, Socken? This is Milly -- yes, the other business track TA. I have a personal emergency, but I'm supposed to cover the department desk in an hour. Would you mind swapping shifts with me? Friday is a free day for me, so I can --"
"Thursday, then? I know this is on short notice. I was supposed to go to the Britannian Heritage Circle luncheon but I don't mind cancelling on that."
"Not then, either... ... do you have a shift I can take tomorrow?"
"OK, that's going to mean running across campus but I'll take it. Thanks... I'll... talk to you later."
Milly sets down the phone, putting her head down on her desk. She doesn't move for several minutes.
It's not the first time that's been her problem.