2024-08-20: .dear diary, it was just one bad daY
- Cutscene: .dear diary, it was just one bad daY
- Cast: Yuliana Kafim
- Where: The Silent Castle, Kaffeklubben Island
- Date: 2024-08-20
- Summary: Yuliana reflects on her treatment of Leina, her rampage, and recent events in her marriage -- and without outside input, she comes to some predictable, tragic conclusions. Of course her wife bears no blame; of course she loves her wife. Everything's perfect, now... (CW: Allusions to domestic violence)
"Everything's been so wonderful," Yuliana's newest entry starts, all but love-sick. "I know I've been a bit gloomy, lately, diary... especially that one bad day," she adds, her tablet camera capturing a frown. "But you know -- I know I felt like things were still a little tense, after we fed the geese that day, but -- I really think that's when things got better!" She's all smiles, again, reflecting on it. "You know, when Elya gets worried about me like that, she can grow quite distant... I can always tell, because she stops reaching out to me herself. You know -- physically. But after I decided Leyasha ought to have to deal with our rowdy little babies, she was really all over me! I won't kiss and tell," she laughs, pressing a hand to her cheek, "but I will say those enchanted cuffs are much sturdier. Hahaha..."
Yuliana sighs, clasping her hands to her heart. "It's such a relief," she says, softly. "I've been so on edge, lately... I guess I really did just need to vent. I'll have to pay my penance, of course, but... I've already made amends with our mutual friends, so really, the hard part's done. Of course, I was lying about all that stuff about it going too far! But I did tell them it wasn't a big deal." She pauses, frowning. "I... guess I might have implied it bothered me that I was punishing Leyasha so much... I just got wrapped up in the conciliatory atmosphere, I'm sure," she excuses herself, shaking her head. "She knows what she did wrong! She knows she deserved it."
Pause.
"But I do think about it... sometimes. It is still on my mind... sometimes. Not too often," she insists, shaking her head again. "When I'm with my wife, it's easy not to think of her! Just... when I'm left to my own devices... I'm sure I'll forget all about it soon!" She insists, tone brightening again. "I decided it's better if I don't talk to her any more, after all. I mean -- part of me wants her to know why she had to suffer such indignity, but -- I sent the message just fine! Elya assured me we were very clear."
She glances aside, before she says -- more to herself than her tablet's microphone -- "... mm, it's okay. It's my safe space. It's okay, here." Why does she have to tell herself that...?
(Because she knows she's saying something wrong.)
"I was really mad at her," she tells her diary, as she fiddles with her wedding ring. "I wanted her to suffer, like I'd suffered. But... but she was worried about me. She was... really worried about me, and... some of the things she said, they do describe things, a little. I know things are better because I'm less stressed now, but... but since I sorted that out by lashing out... it's just a coincidence, of course," Yuliana insists, one hand clutching the other. "Elya wasn't even the one to tell me to do anything else! If Leyasha weren't speaking nonsense, surely Elya would have told me to fight, wouldn't she?! I was with her the whole time, so it's not like she could have talked with him about it beforehand... ugh, and look at me, now I'm casting aspersions on my wife!"
She buries her face in a hand, shoulders hunching forward. "My thoughts are still too unfaithful," she says, her misery all muffled. "Elya assures me it's my actions that matter, but when I get confused, I make bad decisions, too! That's why -- that's why I mustn't speak with her again -- though I do wish she knew. Even that -- even that -- I know if she knew, she'd blame my wife for the strain I put on things. I know!" If you asked her, she'd insist she isn't crying. "So why do I want to have any more involvement with that wretched girl? I -- I still think of her as a friend, but -- but I shouldn't! Why would I be friends with someone who hates my wife?!"
She heaves a deep, hitching sigh, sinking into her hand. "... it's just... the bad days frighten me," she admits, quietly. "Leyasha... cares about that. Even when I'm scared to say it... she listens to me. She's putting awful ideas in my head, I know... but she just wants better for me, and..." Her face shifts, in her hand, the upwards tug of her lip partially obscured. The scorn in her voice is not. "... well, it's her idea of 'better'. She wants me to turn myself in, tch... she'd probably love it if they locked me up to the end of my days. I'd deserve it for my crimes against humanity... or whatever. I know. But... sometimes I feel so crazy, and... and it feels like a lifeline," she admits, quietly.
"I'm so ashamed of that."
She's silent, for long moments, hand buried against her palm. Finally she straightens, hugging her arms around herself. "Thinking about her upsets me," Yuliana concludes, "but I know what to do. I'll just leave well enough alone... why should I talk to other people about our private life, anyway? Why, if my thoughts are a mess, that's -- that's what this thing is for! Or I could just talk to Elya... you know, she's always listened, when I have concerns. She always has. Though, I know Elya would be happier if I confronted these negative feelings head-on," she adds, frowning, to herself. "But... I think I had better just let this be Leyasha's punishment. Emilia did say I'd beaten her, already. If I keep escalating, I'll really hurt her... I'm not sure that's what I want." She looks up, at something on the ceiling. "Not that she wouldn't say this already really hurt, I guess... she's probably scared that I know who she's sweet on, now. It's really her own fault for mentioning her qualifications... you made it too easy, Kikka." Her smile, at that, is neither warm nor kind. "Who knows...? Maybe Leyasha never wants to speak to me again, anyway! Well, that would be just fine..." Yuliana gnaws on her cheek, before she has to add, reluctantly, "... but if it were left up to her, I doubt she'd stick with it, even if that's how she felt."
(Leina's always picked up the phone, eventually.)
She's quiet, for a few moments, her grim smile fading to thoughtfulness again. "I guess... that's why," she says, finally. "I mean -- why I wanted her to know -- why that happened. Because, you know, I went back and read it? And it's all so... dramatic," is the word she picks, gesturing in a circular motion with a hand. "I really made a production of the whole thing. But it doesn't -- I don't remember feeling like that," she insists, her frown deepening. "How could I have felt like that? I try to think about it, and it doesn't -- it doesn't make any sense. Things are so good, now," her fingers splay over her chest, framing Elisa's name, tattooed into the base of her neck. "Really, everything's perfect... why, by her standards, Elya's been downright warm!" She is... almost warm, sometimes. Enough for Yuliana to fill in the gaps, evidently. "I know it's what I said... but it doesn't feel real. All I can think is -- it was just a bad day. I was having a bad day," she advances the logic, her frill wilting, just so. "I surely cheered up when I figured out how to express myself... and that made Elya happier, too. Haa, Leyasha would have me think it's something much more sinister, I'm sure... her wild ideas make me so ill at ease. No wonder Elya..." A pause, "... no wonder I was so upset," because surely it was Yuliana who was upset about it all, "and Elya was bothered to see me so beleaguered."
Yuliana smiles, though it's a touch uneasy. "I... don't know if I should say these things," she admits, "even to myself. Elya is very sensitive to my moods... what if I bring more disharmony to our home? ... I'm worried the children will notice." Her frills wilt down against the sides of her head, as her hand curls, at her chin. "It brings me great shame... when they see it. I feel I've failed as -- well, I suppose I'm not yet their mother... but even so, I ought to be steadier, for their sake. I worry they'll ask... ah, but I worried they'll not ask, either. Just accept my awful behaviour as what's proper... so I guess it's not even only for my wife's sake I'm worried, is it? If my mind keeps dwelling on these things, if I disrupt our happiness... but I don't know how to be a more stable woman. Sometimes, I..." She sighs, and shakes her head. "... no, I guess it's for the best I had to stop visiting Yaka's people. It... it was putting a real strain on us, too, me going out there all the time."
She pauses. "You know," she says, "sometimes I wonder if Leyasha doesn't have a point about becoming a stay-at-home mother. Of course I like to fight, but... aren't I happier at home with my family? ... well, I guess it doesn't really matter," she dismisses the thought, shaking her head.
"Besides... I've all the joy of that alongside my excursions, just the way we are. And it really was quite fun getting to see how Elya does it!" Yuliana laughs, fingers veiling her lips. "And she was so considerate, you know, adjusting the Crown to activate more gradually... it was much easier on me the second time around. I wasn't worried," she smiles, "because Elya was right there with me to make sure I wouldn't go too far. But she took care of it, anyway. And I was able to join with our geese and exact our retribution!" She claps her hands together, in front of her. "I suppose it is a little different -- to her kaiju, that is -- but it was a lot of fun to cause havoc without even being in the room. I thought I wouldn't much take to it, but with the connection the Crown gave me, our hearts beat as one! Maybe I'll do it again, sometime... hahaha, maybe I'll send a goat to go climb the Dianthus. It's so funny how much that Lucine girl thinks I want it... if I'm to be blamed for such a thing, why shouldn't I have some fun with it?" And surely it's a normal thing, to do crime after being falsely accused of crime.
Surely no one would falsely accuse Yuliana of a crime, though. She's done so many true crimes!
Her smile shines brighter. "I do feel better," she insists, to her tablet. "Now I've gotten those frustrations out. I really do! And there's so much to look forward to... why, even tonight, Elya and I are having a private dinner," her smile turns sly, as her head cants to the side, fingers splaying over her cheek. "Just because we're married, that hardly means we've stopped going on dates. She's so romantic... nothing makes me happier than to hear her call me hers. To have her lay her hands on me..." Is possessiveness romance? Apparently, to hear Yuliana tell it. "Oh, it brings so much peace and love to my heart," her smile grows warmer, as her hands clasp over her chest again, as if she could contain all the affection she's described. "I'm so happy... when she's nice to me."
And does she hear what she's said?
There's no answer in this entry, as Yuliana ends her transcription.