2024-06-28: .dear diary, hear now the words i cannot inflict upon theM
- Cutscene: .dear diary, hear now the words i cannot inflict upon theM
- Cast: Yuliana Kafim
- Where: The Silent Castle, Kaffeklubben Island
- Date: 2024-06-28
- Summary: Yuliana makes an entry in her diary instead of reaching out to a friend. (CW: Coercive control)
Yuliana paints a wanzer, in her model room, brow knit in her contemplation. Alectros suggested she find a peaceful place in the Castle where she could shelter and recover... this isn't that, of course. Finding an emotionally safe place would imply she was in danger. ... even so, Elisa tends to leave her to focus, here. And with the children not allowed in unsupervised -- despite appearances, model wanzers aren't toys -- it's a space she has to herself, all in all.
That she's 'hidden' her private phone in here -- hidden, that is, until the moment Elisa asks where it is -- well, that has nothing to do with it.
She finds herself putting down her fine paintbrush, though, to reach over and pick up that burner phone. She stares at its screen for long moments, as she tries to sort through why she even picked it up. Dancing with her wife is always intense... and it's true she's not had much time away from her, even aside from that. But she's the one who's wanted to stay beside her, desperately. She's only here now because Elisa had something to take care of...
(It wasn't even a threat. Elisa is more honest than that; if she meant to threaten her, it wouldn't be so ambiguous. The doctors at the PPL did tell her that she struggled to appreciate other people's feelings... surely she's just not appreciating how her wife expresses hers.)
> Is now a good tiem to call_
Despite the obvious truth, Yuliana finds her fingers fumbling out a message, anyway. She gets all the way to needing to switch screens to find some punctuation before she realises she's misspelled a word, and with infinite frustration and embarrassment, backspace, backspace,
> Is now a good t_
Yuliana remembers, with each deliberate press of 'delete', the night prior. She woke from a nightmare -- a normal nightmare, thanks to the bracelets at her wrists -- to find herself secure in her wife's arms, Elisa watching over her as always. She remembers the way she sweetly pressed her lips to her forehead, and urged her back to slumber. She didn't have to worry... beside her wife. The Republic could never reach her, there.
She is so safe, beside Elisa, and she craves it. The Republic tore safety from her, ripped it savagely away; they taught her that her protection was conditional. But Elisa -- Elisa has always protected her. Long before the PPL ever tried, she...
> Is now_
She keeps deleting the message.
> _
"The last thing I need right now is a lecture," Yuliana snaps, as she shoves the phone back under a box where it belongs. She frowns at the box, for long moments, before she reaches over to retrieve her tablet instead.
Her diary...
She hasn't made an entry in some weeks, she notes, to herself, with a stab of guilt. She starts one now, beginning a recording, and expresses her thoughts just the same: "I've not been expressing myself as much as I ought to have, the past while. They made me worry... but I have nothing to hide. It's good for me to arrange my thoughts like this... ah, but I'll dictate this entry. I don't feel like writing." She's already been embarrassed by her writing, she means.
"I was going to ring Leyasha," Yuliana sighs, sitting back in her chair and looking over to the crackling fireplace which keeps her hobby-room so warm. "For a moment, I thought I needed to take some support from her... I was feeling unsteady. I thought... there was something I wasn't quite seeing... I guess." Her words slow, a frown crossing over her features. "But... I couldn't do it. I knew she'd just yell at me... as if it's my fault our friends are so impatient," she adds, petulance entering her tone. "She just doesn't understand... Elya loves my violence, you know. Elya appreciates my talents. Why shouldn't I want to make my wife happy? And we had to impress our new friends, too! I can't just leave this world to suffer... even if they hate me, I won't just give up on them. Leyasha doesn't appreciate my good intentions at all," she adds, with a haughty sniff, "hmh, just because she doesn't want me to fight. What's the difference between me and her fighting, anyway?"
Aside from the fact that one of them is far more vicious than the other.
"I just... I don't know," Yuliana sighs, her arrogance wilting, defeated by her honesty. "Maybe I thought it would have proven something if I could tell her she didn't just fall in love with me because I was connected to the Void... she was wrong. I wanted her to know Elya didn't want to change me... she doesn't really have a problem with my individualism. Saying Elya's insecure when I think about anything other than being obsessed with her... as if it's a bad thing to be crazy about my wife! I love my wife!" Her voice rises, clearly worked up about the subject. (Her wife, that is.)
Her passion gets choked up, though, as her anger turns to sorrow on a dime. "But, that girl... that stupid girl, she came to my side willingly, even knowing how much it pained someone like her. Just to comfort me! I... I still can't believe she'd do that of her own volition. Someone like her..." It's Yuliana who sniffs, though she says, "Leyasha was so overwhelmed, you know, by -- by the idea of me coming back to my wife. She said she didn't want to pressure me... but it really did affect her. She kept talking about the women I'd seen -- you know, in my career -- who couldn't leave... she just doesn't understand that it's different. I know -- part of me knows -- I should crush her for saying such awful things, but... but she's such a dear girl. Despite all I've done, I think she really cares for me, and I... don't wish to discard her. It's nice that she cares so much. She should," Yuliana insists, against the discordance of her own actions. "I just wish she'd understand... I want her to understand." That's what she wants, isn't it?
"It's just..." Yuliana frowns, a hand coming to clasp at her chest. "She said I could always leave. She said it was never too late... if I wanted to make that choice. But -- but she doesn't understand that, either, because --" her voice wobbles, again, "I can't. There's no way I could do that to my wife. And -- and if I broke my promise -- she wouldn't be so beholden to my dreams any more. She doesn't feel as warmly about this world as I do... and surely she'd be upset. She..." She swallows, and shakes her head. "Leyasha said she could do a lot of harm to me without hurting me... I do think about that. But Elya said I wasn't in danger. She said so. She wouldn't do me any harm!" Her voice rises, again, as she savages the thought.
"I shouldn't even be talking about it," her voice grows small, and sounds even smaller in the wake of her yelling. "If I'd never want such an awful thing... what does it matter what would happen if I did it? It's all conjecture, anyway... Elya never threatened anything. All this is -- is -- my wife is just as passionate as I am," she insists. "I was jealous, and suspicious, so I threatened to kill her to keep her by my side... even if Elya ever did punish the world for my misdeeds, it would just be proof of the weight of her feelings for me. She wants me for herself... what crime is there in that? I wanted her, just the same. There's nothing wrong with that. If it worries me, I'd best just make sure she knows I'm her wife... completely her wife. A good wife should maintain the harmony of the home, right...?"
Yuliana takes a deep breath -- a long sigh. "I was right," she says, deflated. "There's no way I could have... brought this to Leyasha. She'd get completely the wrong idea... other people just don't understand our marriage. Even if I tell them, they don't understand... really, it's pointless to say anything," she adds, bitterly. "They don't know how wonderful it's been! Ever since I got back, Elya's been so loving, so thoughtful... surely I'd just forgotten how good it felt to be her wife, when I was away for so long. Tch, and they'd say she's just reeling me back in... but it's always this good." She pauses, thinking back to the dance hall. "Yes, it can be kind of intense, but... what sort of passionless slug wouldn't enjoy a little intensity now and then? I married a Goddess. I should be swept from my feet!" It's their way, isn't it?
"Really! Really, it's been wonderful... she's so romantic," Yuliana sighs, and her smile is audible. "She told me I was what mattered...! All she wanted was me -- all of me -- isn't that wonderful? No one could care fo-- about me," she hurriedly changes her wording, chilled by the reminder of Dr. Petrov's servitude, "n--nearly as much as she does." Her brief nervousness fades, though, as she keeps recounting Elisa's romance. "Oh, she'd even steward this world for me, even though she doesn't feel as strongly as I do... I love mattering so much. Especially to her... she is the scion of God Herself. And she came to love me, because of my own fierceness... the very thing my old beaux scorned me for. She's the only one who appreciated me... the only one who really sees me. She makes me feel so grand, so glorious... when I'm in her hands, I'm no longer the Republic's ravenous beast, chained and collared. With her, I'm free..."
She trails off, for a moment, and the recording can't quite capture the way her gaze settles on her purple bracelet. Even she can't ignore the contradictions; it takes her a moment to justify them. "... she does grasp me tightly, of course," she settles on, finally, "but I love the safety I find in her arms, so much. And in any case, she's not unreasonable. The things which bothered me a little, that bracelet -- she's already disarmed it. As soon as I told her I didn't want it, she addressed it at once. She always has. I'm not going to say we've never had misunderstandings... since it is a marriage between mortal and divine, it would be unreasonable to expect there to be nothing like that. But every time -- every time I've complained -- she's always changed! She's always fixed it. Really, don't you think that's better than most mortal marriages? I would never fault her for not being able to read my mind. Even now, she can't do that..." Yuliana pauses, delicately, "I think." ... she can't be sure.
She lists back, in her chair, glancing aside. "Yeah... I don't know what I was thinking. I don't need to talk to Leyasha right now... I don't need to ring Yaka about it, for that matter. Even if I tell them things are good, they won't believe me... tch, I guess I turned them against her." Her eyes scrunch shut, a sneer crossing over her lips. "I should be a better wife to Elya... she's so faithful, and I'm always disparaging her to outsiders. Even when I don't mean to... I tell myself I'm just saying what happened, but look where that's gotten us! It's just hard for me," she whines, "since the Republic told me never to tell anyone anything, so now I'm free to do as I like, I always say too much... though... I guess Elya wouldn't blame me for being given to extremes." She sighs, again. "I just blame myself. And I hate that feeling... it's terrifying to be the one to blame. Yaka said I shouldn't be made to blame myself, but no one's making me. Mm," she adds, after a moment's consideration, "I guess the Republic did that to me, too. It's the Republic and the Empress who do wrong by me! Elya loves me... and I love her. That's all there is to it."
Her chair creaks, as she leans forward. "Maybe she's done with her business by now," Yuliana sighs. "I want to see her... so I'll end this entry, now. Dosvedanya, diary." She stops the recording, and records the transcript.
She knows that her wife might hear what she's said... but she always knew that. She has nothing to hide.
Her wife likes it when she holds nothing back, anyway.