2024-04-03: Two People Getting Therapy
- Cast: Liam 7-020, Lucine Azul
- Where: Lucine and Liam's Apartment, Olofat, Orb Union
- Date: U.C. 0098 04 03
- Summary: After a difficult but necessary talk with Leina, Liam phones his therapist and talks to her about Lucine's habit of self-neglect. (Their habit of self-neglect.) Lucine comes home to the aftermath, and the two of them put healthier communication skills to work. It turns out there's an entire city of people who process trauma--or fail to--like Lucine does.
<Pose Tracker> Liam 7-020 has posed.
"...Hello. Doctor Hinoki? It's Liam. Is this a bad time?"
"No. I just--sorry. Thought maybe you had bigger priorities after what happened to Guy. I'm..."
"Okay. Yeah, you're right. I promise this won't take too long anyway. Leina stopped by, and we talked, and I felt better for a bit, but now I just... I don't know what to do. We talked about Lucine. She hasn't been okay since a psycommu accident a while back, and seeing what happened to Guy just made everything worse. Lu's been pretending she's fine, but I know she's not, and I'm not fine either, but I don't want her to--"
A long pause. Deep breaths.
"She's neglecting herself. She doesn't want to talk about any of it, but it'll just keep getting worse if we don't. I don't know if she talks about it with her therapist, but I. I don't want anyone else to get hurt because of me."
"Yeah. I know. We talked about Mom and Dad, and Desmond. This is--"
The call takes far longer than Liam expected. By the end, he's curled up on the couch, a pile of crumpled tissues in front of him, his face bright red. But Doctor Hinoki caught him before he fell headfirst into the same, entrapping pattern, and held him until he pulled himself out of it. He's a mess. He has a plan, regardless. It might not be much of one, but it's a plan.
But this is how Lucine finds him when she gets home: curled up and cuddling the cactus plushie, in shorts and a sleeveless hoodie. On the media center screen, an older woman leads a TV presenter through a vineyard in France. Liam is not paying attention to the actual show.
<Pose Tracker> Lucine Azul has posed.
There's a stirring at the door, as Lucine begins to work her key into the lock. Opening the door with an exhausted but satisfied 'humph' she comes in. The door is closed behind her; the raincoat gets taken off and placed on a hook, along with her shoes, which are replaced with house shoes. "... Mgh... you won't believe the errand--"
Pause. Lucine looks up, scanning for Liam. She felt his presence here, she's sure of it. Did something happen?
It only takes her a few steps.
Seeing Liam there, and feeling the crushing emotions in the air, Lucine's face bunches up. She immediately crosses over to Liam, pale eyes wide with worry. "Did something happen? Is everything okay?" She quickly scans the media center, almost expecting some kind of tragedy unfolding on the TV.
... Vineyards?
No, something else might've happened. A death, someone got hurt, or--
--Or maybe, she should just ask directly. Like her therapist tells her to do. ".... Tell me, what's--" No, it's not what's 'wrong'. It's not always a matter of what's 'wrong'. ".... Tell me what you're feeling," she says, instead. "Do you want some ice water first?"
Pause. "... Whatever you need, for... what you're feeling you need to do." Definition. Planning. Decision. He's sad about something, but he's doing something about it.
<Pose Tracker> Liam 7-020 has posed.
Someone's at the door. Liam has settled out of his state of hyperarousal, but he can still hear the faint sounds of the keycard reader beeping. It's Lucine. Shit, he thinks. Liam draws himself up, still clutching the plushie to his chest. He glances at the screen, and the reflection of his face reveals the state he's been in. Even if it didn't, Lucine would know.
She's already asking what happened. Liam's throat tightens. Instincts built by trauma try to take the wheel. Nothing happened. She doesn't need to worry. Leina was over, and they talked, and it saddened him, but he's fine now.
Liam swallows. He remembers what he was just talking about with Dr. Hinoki.
'Tell me what you're feeling.'
Liam blinks. Lucine's rarely asked that. He's gotten so used to her telling him how he must feel that startlement flashes through his eyes. "I feel scared," he answers, after a moment. It takes Liam time to name that feeling. "Scared for both of us. Guilty. Angry. Do you want an ice water, too?" Liam rises from the couch, tucking the plush under his arm. A wave of his hand through the control scanner pauses the show again.
"Leina was over. We talked about some heavy things."
<Pose Tracker> Lucine Azul has posed.
The startlement flashing in Liam's eyes and mind show Lucine how little she's actually asked this.
It's not enough to detect what someone's feeling, she remembers. They rarely come with context, and when she guesses them, maybe, she's depriving Liam of his own agency.
To discover them, and name them... isn't that a part of understanding?
'Scared for both of us. Guilty. Angry.' Panic floods her own system. 'Do you want an ice water, too?' He's standing up. To get them both ice water?
Perhaps this was just a matter of time. She's been avoiding talking about what had happened, as well as what happened with Guy.
She smiles. "... Alright. I'll get the glasses out for both of us."
Reaching into the cupboards in the kitchen area, Lucine takes out two glasses, setting them on the counter.
"I see. How is Leina doing? Was she checking in about... what happened, or something else?"
<Pose Tracker> Liam 7-020 has posed.
Liam takes the first glass, and holds it beneath the ice dispenser on the side of the fridge. Little pellets clink into the bottom, and fresh, cool water follows. Liam offers the glass to Lucine before filling the second one, for himself.
"She's being Leina," he says, evenly. "Which means she's being kind and insightful and incisive to everyone but herself. We should form a little club." A strained smile dawns on Liam's face. "She was concerned about you, and so was--so am I. We're both still worried. The reason my face looks like this..." Liam takes a breath as he gestures to his reddened eyes. "Was because I was on the phone with Dr. Hinoki, and she was... talking to me, about you."
Liam meets Lucine's gaze, and holds it. Exhaustion and worry creep into his face. "Are you okay, Lu? Really okay? Because I don't think you are, and I don't know you are." The words come out of his mouth, but it takes far more effort than usual.
<Pose Tracker> Lucine Azul has posed.
Taking the glass from Liam, Lucine tips it back and drinks, feeling the numbness of the ice cubes as they clink down against her lips. She sets the glass down on the counter, and sighs.
"... I'd say it's a Newtype thing, but... I know many people who'd be worthy of being in that club." It was a slight jab towards Liam, but when he redirects the conversation towards her, and points out his eyes, it feels misdirected.
All of this, because of her. ... No, not because *of* her, but her refusal to talk about it.
When Liam's gaze meets hers, Lucine's own can't move-- no, she refuses to move it. When the urge to look away seeps up, she resists it.
It makes it that much harder to dismiss her own feelings. Her eyes begin to water.
Deny it. You're doing better, after all. It was bad, but it's not bad anymore, right? It's going to be fine.
'-and I don't know you are.'
".... I'm not okay," she says, softly. Her fingers curl into fists. ".... I'm scared."
<Pose Tracker> Liam 7-020 has posed.
"Can I be Club Secretary?" Liam says. "Teachers said I had good handwriting, and took good notes." The levity, as strained and self-deprecating as it is, is like a life preserver on choppy seas.
There. Liam takes a long drink of water, focusing on the chill and taste. The glass is smooth and slightly slick. He watches Lucine's fingers curl.
"Can you tell me what you're scared of, then?"
<Pose Tracker> Lucine Azul has posed.
Liam's self-deprecating humor loosens Lucine up enough to laugh. "... I'll definitely be attending more meetings if you were."
Sexy Club Secretary. But that is a fantasy.
This Liam is real, and in front of her, flesh and blood and concerned for her, when minutes ago she was trying to think of every reason why he was afraid, except for the parts that would indicate herself.
It's hard to put a finger on it.
".... I... don't... like that person, that I was. I was trying to use those parts, and... I realized, I had to project my intent on something... it's _supposed to be hard_. I'm _supposed_ to be Lucine, this person who wouldn't hurt anyone except when she needs to. The person who's gentle, who needs prodded out of her shell. The person who lost a debate with Lua because, I'm just too nice...."
Her hands shake.
".... So why did I...? What's inside... me...? I *know* that machine didn't make me do this. So why did it feel like... like I was happy?!" Tears stream down her face. "I tried to *hurt* you. I tried to *hurt* Leina. The Nergal employees, they had every right to be scared of me!!"
<Pose Tracker> Liam 7-020 has posed.
Liam manages a little laugh of his own, then falls silent. Lucine has the floor now, and he needs to let her air her thoughts. His chest starts to tighten as she describes herself, and it takes effort to keep from tucking her into his arms, and holding her until she feels safe again, and stops talking about this. It feels so good to hold her, and to know he can soothe her troubles.
That's not what Lucine needs, right now. Instead, Liam steps forward, and tucks an arm around her shoulders. He guides her to the living room couch, keeping her close all the while. He seats himself, then sets the box of tissues beside her.
"You need to talk with your therapist about that," Liam says. Set a healthy boundary, like Dr. Hinoki said. The frustration and fear and sadness swell up inside him. He wants so, so badly to help. This isn't how he's used to helping. But he told Dr. Hinoki this was what he'd do. "I--I don't mean that dismissively, Lu, I mean--just--that they're trained to do that. But I think you're carrying around a lot of anger. And you don't want to, right? You just said you didn't like who you were. But that's also you. You didn't turn into a different person in that machine."
<Pose Tracker> Lucine Azul has posed.
Lucine lets herself be guided along, sitting on the same couch Liam was on moments before, holding the cactus plushie. She plucks a tissue from the box, and blows into it, as Liam talks.
Lucine feels that guilt. The restraint.
.... She appreciates it, since she's guessing it comes from the same place her own feelings come from.
Lucine looks up, and shakes her head, with a small smile. "... It's not dismissive, Liam. ... We actually talked about it, after I talked with you. I was afraid that... I'd be dumping it all on you first, when I don't even know how I feel. But... one session isn't going to make things go away." She reaches over, drawing her fingers against Liam's cheek. "I... don't want you to soak up all my troubles. You're not a washcloth, you know... I love it when you hold me. And... sometimes, I like it when someone just soothes me like that. But... not so much that I automatically just start turning to you to soothe me. And... I realize, I do that myself. I like... soothing things. But sometimes that's not what we need."
Her head tilts downwards. "We talked about another thing. There's a whole planet... of people, like me. Not everyone's like this, but... did you notice, when in Alba City... how it felt like nothing had happened at all? If you got to the city borders, you'd know, but on the inside... everything was... business as usual. Syndicate turf wars still going on. The attacks... it might as well be another war on one of Jupiter's moons. My mom... she refused to talk about it at all."
<Pose Tracker> Liam 7-020 has posed.
Liam passes the plushie to Lucine, and sets his glass down on a coaster. A tight knot of helpless frustration still sits within his chest. Lucine's words cut deep, and she didn't even intend to hurt him. He's thought the same thing about himself, time after time, in the months since he almost killed her.
She willingly walked into a trap. She didn't struggle. She called him her Sunflower, even as she started to fade.
"I'm glad you did that." Liam's voice is tiny. He glances at Lucine, the guilt fading to muted surprise, and hints of pride. He nuzzles back against her fingers. "I know you don't want to be a burden," he says, catching himself before he says the opposite. "I don't want to burden you, either. But we need to be honest." What did Leina say? "We can't just assume things are fine until one of us breaks down. And we can't be scared of making each other angry." His voice grows strained.
"Yeah," Liam says, a moment later. "Millions of people died and they pretended nothing happened."
SCENESYS: Kaworu Nagisa has posted scene #482, 'Lunar Intermission', at 19:30 ET on 04/10.
<Pose Tracker> Lucine Azul has posed.
Lucine takes the plushie from Liam, hugging it close. It's hard to turn off that need to soothe out those knots of helplessness and frustration, or even, to know *when* she should indulge in it. It's not an all or nothing process after all, but the two of them are far too used to giving their all to others around them.
He compliments her. "... I'm glad you called Dr. Hinoki." She holds the plushie close. ".... I hope she's doing okay."
Lucine clearly saw something she wasn't supposed to see. Flowers had always been something she found comfort and joy in, but here one was, coming out of the face of a man she had grown to genuinely admire.
"..... So that's... what happens, to everyone who gets infected," she says, softly. "Is.... Guy going to be like that, forever?" It's a question that didn't come with an answer.
".... And that flower... is it... just another function? Of the world? The fields of Nemi... bloomed that one last time, because of everyone who died on it. It... simply is."
Another flower, in a world where they bloom.
Liam nuzzles her hand, and she smiles softly. "... and I can't assume that because I can feel your emotions, that I actually know what you're feeling." They can't be scared of making each other angry.
".... Right. I should've... told you. Even if I was scared."
Even if she's the person who brought it up, there's a rush for Lucine to deny what Liam is saying as true; her pride as a Martian is still there. ".... I guess it's because we don't know how to," she says, softly. ".... None of us even know what the Jovian lizards even look like. I'm not even sure where the whole lizards idea came from. It's funny, though... we know people who've been on Jupiter, but... no one's ever seen a Jovian lizard. So... are they just.... ghosts?"
She looks down. "There's no way to confront something you can't even find. Maybe they're just robots building other robots, mindlessly following some misplaced code.... Maybe it is that... maybe, that'd be better. To have it be a mistake. Because then... it means I wouldn't have to meet someone who hated me for simply existing."
Yet, it still feels cold.
Lucine turns her head, and looks to Liam. ".... Could I... hold you? Not because we're trying to soothe each other, but... because... I want to hold you, right now. .... would that be okay, right now?" While they're trying to decide their boundaries.
<Pose Tracker> Liam 7-020 has posed.
"I hope so, too," Liam says. Their sessions aren't about how Dr. Hinoki is coping. They're about how he's coping, or failing to. "She'd... be the one to ask, not me. And I think it might do you good to ask her yourself."
"And I think you need to talk with your therapist--what's their name, by the way?--about flowers, and how they bloom." Liam can see, now, how Lucine's mantra is a method of warding off uncomfortable thoughts. He'd repeated it himself, thinking it was purely a statement of hope and acceptance. "And I think we need to talk with someone about how we talk with each other. Whether that's with your doctor, or mine, or someone else. But what do you think?" This is awkward. This is like a dance where he has to keep looking down to avoid stepping on his partner's feet.
"Lots of people have met someone who hated them for existing," Liam says. His stomach clenches a little at the memory of trying and failing to get through to Angelo. "But... yeah. Yeah, you can.
<Pose Tracker> Lucine Azul has posed.
"You think so?" Lucine blinks, then nods slowly. "... Right. I'll have to see."
What's their name?
"Simone Finch," Lucine says. "Like the bird. We're still in the process of unpacking things... she does have some Newtype patients, but some of this is... hard to place on anyone. I've been really amazed."
'About flowers, and how they bloom.'
And they need to talk with someone about how they talk with eac other. ".... ..... Maybe it'd be a good idea," Lucine says, after some thought. "Having a third party in the room... It'd help, I think. Would.... Dr. Hinoki be okay?" He feels as awkward as she's feeling right now.
That's rather reassuring.
'Lots of people have met someone who hated them for existing.'
There's that tiny knot of irrational anger, deep in her gut.
".... Sometime... I'll have... to ask you. How you've handled it. When that day comes for me. But not today."
She turns, and tilts her head towards Liam. ".... Alright." Gently, she extends her fingers to stroke his face again, almost cautious as she tries to find her own footing. Then, her hands leaving the plushie, she extends the other to Liam's face, settling them across his shoulders. ".... Thank you, Liam. ... Thank you for not holding that in."
As rain begins to patter against the windows, she leans in, carefully trying to draw Liam in against her, and closing her eyes. ".... ..... I.... closed the windows, right?"
<Pose Tracker> Liam 7-020 has posed.
"I'm glad you found her," Liam says. His hand drifts up Lucine's back. "And that you came clean with her." A little nod, as Lucine weighs in on his thoughts. "Yeah. Someone trained in this kind of work. I don't know if Dr. Hinoki would be willing, but we'll find someone.
Lucine's hands caress him, then, and he leans in, tilting his head to place a kiss at her jawline. "...I think so?" he says, glancing up at the windows. "Anyway, I told Leina thank-you for the basket, for both of us. She was glad we liked it, but she also said that's more reason to work on communicating. How do you feel about her, ah, talking to us about consent...?"
<Pose Tracker> Lucine Azul has posed.
<poem>
"Probably not minee." Her words linger a little as Liam passes his hand up her back. "... There has to be someone that could deal with us."
The rain pattering against the windows is relaxing, along with Liam's warmth and weight against her. ".... I'll trust your view." Her eyes lid as she looks up, content, her arms wrapped around his upper waist, and around against his shoulders and head. ".... oh, you did?" Lucine's cheeks blush slightly. "... She's very thoughtful, isn't she? She already knows my measurements, so... I think, if she wants to, ah, might as well?" She tilts her head. "... You've been pretty good so far in.... ah, that arena, but maybe there's some Newtype things I'd... better be aware of."
One day, she'll figure some way to pay Leina back.