2024-03-01: The Replacement — Part 2
- Log: The Replacement
- Cast: Shozo, The Other Shozo, Kaworu Nagisa
- Where: GGG Orbit Base
- Date: 2024-02-29 (ICly U.C. 0097 4 09)
- Summary: A question that must be answered. A place that must be found. (Follows from 2024-02-28: The Replacement.)
<Pose Tracker> Shozo has posed.
There was a scrape of metal as the tall, spiked creature pressed himself against the wall, spikes gouging into the metal walls with a low shriek as his legs scrabbled against the floor, until he was standing, TOWERING over the little girl. Its eyes were wide, luminous with a dizzying mix of colors, but the girl just stood there, looking up at what could well be her destroyer.
The monster raised his bladed arm --
And the door slid open.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
The door slides open, and on the other side of it, Kaworu looks vaguely nonplussed.
He'd come to Orbit Base for a variety of work-related reasons, as the administrator suit he's dressed in may imply, but to this room to check up on Shozo. He'd sensed company within that room, but the tableau within... it's a bit extreme.
But Kaworu is Kaworu, and so he steps inside, hands tucked in his pockets as the door slides shut at his back. He ducks under the spikes as needed.
"Pardon the interruption," he says conversationally as he looks at the monster. "I came to visit you, Shozo." He looks over at the girl, red eyes thoughtful. The way she looks... "May I ask who your companion is?"
<Pose Tracker> Shozo has posed.
Both monster and girl stare at Kaworu as he walks in, frozen in confusion more than anything else. As Kaworu addresses the monster, however, he shrinks back, arm falling slack before pulling inwards against his chest, spikes puncturing the steel of the room again.
"Kaworu, I'm-" he tries to speak, but
"I'm Shozo!" the girl shouts, puffing her cheeks cutely and putting her hands on her hips. "Don't either of you get that?" She crosses her arms, shaking her bouncy curls, before smiling again. "It's OK, Kaworu, I forgive you."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Kaworu regards the girl who calls herself Shozo for a moment, his thoughtful expression unchanging as he takes in her black curls, her unusually patterned eyes, her outfit--her general presentation, really, including the way she puffs her cheeks and smiles her forgiveness. He smiles back at her, then looks at the monster.
"You were saying?" he prompts.
<Pose Tracker> Shozo has posed.
The monster seems terrified to meet Kaworu's eyes, mandibles wide and trembling.
"I-I..." His voice, distorted as it is, is almost inaudible.
"I don't know what's going on... I can't change back, I- I can't go back to myself..." His eyes were filled with tears, turning his luminous eyes into glittering kaleidoscopes.
The girl says nothing, but certainly doesn't seem surprised, or particularly sympathetic, looking up at Kaworu instead and smiling that same warm smile Kaworu had received from Shozo so many times.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
The monster's voice is distorted, but Kaworu seems to understand him fine. (A certain kinship, perhaps.) His calm gaze gentles as the monster's scintillating eyes sparkle with tears, as he expresses his confusion at the situation. He settles a feather-light hand on his shoulder, unbothered by the many red spikes.
Then he looks back at the girl, who's taking all this in just as much stride as Kaworu. "And you?" he prompts.
<Pose Tracker> Shozo has posed.
The girl gives Kaworu a flat look of a child whose parents have once again misunderstood why their favorite toy is important.
"I'm Shozo!" she repeats, a little annoyed. "I don't know why people aren't recognizing me. Toe to tip, I'm Shozo! I'm just also trying the girl thing this time. That's fine, right?"
"Kaworu..." the monster mumbles, mandibles twitching as black tears fall onto his crimson, chitinous chest. "I-I'm still me, I promise, I... I'm still me, right?" The girl responds with a "Pfeh!" of disagreement.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
The girl's flat stare doesn't bother Kaworu any. He listens to what she has to say, her reiteration that she's Shozo; he looks to the monster and listens to his uncertain promise.
Both of them seek reassurance from Kaworu, though one of them is far more vulnerable about it.
He steps over to a chair and sits, adjusting it enough that he faces the space between the monster and the girl.
"I think so," he tells the monster, "but it seems to me you aren't sure." He looks at the girl. "Who would you say he is?"
<Pose Tracker> Shozo has posed.
"De-"
It is no more than the beginnings of a noise, but the sheer change in temperature as the monster's posture changes to a combination of outrage, panic, and genuine murderous rage gets even the unflappable girl to cut herself off early.
"Not Shozo," she says after a moment. "Just the spawn of Rayblood and Yapool."
"The answer seems to strike with real force to the heart of the monster, and that fire from moments ago immediately burns itself out, as he just... droops, saying nothing.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
"..."
It's another intense moment. A single sound, a brief syllable, and the monster expresses a bomb of emotion. Kaworu watches, both it and the way it affects the girl. In the same way, he watches the girl as she denies that the monster is Shozo--that he is nothing more than a monster born of Rayblood and Yapool--and how the monster sags in defeat without saying or doing anything in his own defense.
"I see," Kaworu says. He looks back at the girl. "Are you suggesting you're not the spawn of Rayblood and Yapool, then?"
<Pose Tracker> Shozo has posed.
The girl shakes her head, curls batting back and forth.
"Of course I am! But being Shozo is more than JUST being that! Shozo shouldn't be a monster. Shozo's supposed to be cute, and smart, and a little weird. And, and Shozo can grow! And change! And be better!" She looks over at the Monster, who is just looking down, motionless now.
"That one is broken. He can't be Shozo like that. Nobody wants a Shozo like that."
She says it so easily, without a hint of malice. Like Shozo had once spoken to Duma, the girl speaks to the monster.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
The ways in which the girl specifies what 'Shozo' is are illuminating. So, too, is the way she speaks of 'Shozo' as if it were a title, or perhaps a platonic ideal, or perhaps even a thing, rather than a person. The person she supposedly is, even. He follows her gaze over to the monster, sunken and wretched, and declares him broken.
There isn't a trace of malice in her. Nonetheless, she is unfathomably cruel. Kaworu sees it in the way the monster is cut down and defeated by no more than her words--the same words that no doubt sent him in a fever pitch of murderous rage earlier.
"I see," Kaworu repeats. "Thank you for explaining. I understand better now. I have one more question for you." He looks back at the girl. "Who determined what Shozo is 'supposed' to be like?"
<Pose Tracker> Shozo has posed.
"Shozo did!" The girl chirps, smiling with some pride. "Shozo always defines Shozo, and nobody else. That's why I know better than anyone that that isn't Shozo." Her smile widens into a grin as she looks at Kaworu, ignoring the motionless monster now.
"So now I'm Shozo, so there can still be one! It'll be a tough job, but I've got Borr, n' everyone else, and Lina, and Mr. Guy, and Mr. Gai - they actually have different names, y'know - and you!"
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Kaworu considers the girl who calls herself Shozo with his usual faint smile, but also with saddened eyes. "Shozo always defines Shozo, and nobody else," he repeats. "Yes. I'm certain that's the truth. And that's why..."
He looks back at the monster and reaches out a hand to rest on the hard swoops on the back of its head--not a hug, but a gentle offer of one. "You should be more forgiving of yourself. It's all right, Shozo. That is the kind of person you once were, and that was fine, but the way you are now is fine, too. The grievous hurt that you've suffered doesn't change that you're my friend."
<Pose Tracker> Shozo has posed.
"He's not your friend," the girl says simply, shaking her head. "He's not anybody's friend. Nobody can trust him." The girl's tone is less chipper now, more matter of fact. The monster didn't respond to Kaworu's touch.
Nobody had claimed this was Yapool this time.
"If he was a proper Shozo, people wouldn't leave him. They wouldn't be scared of him or what he could do. They'd be able to believe that he is more than just the spawn of Yapool, of Rayblood, of bigger monsters. A proper Shozo wouldn't be following in their footsteps." The girl crosses her arms. "That Shozo can never be a person. There's too much missing and too much broken for that. So why should he even be Shozo?"
The feminine lilt to the child's voice had lapsed into familiar tones a little while ago.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
The monster may not respond to his touch--may not accept the offer--but that's all right. Kaworu stays by his side. He's silent as the girl speaks, listens to what she has to say, but his gaze remains on the monster.
"It must have been unspeakably difficult for you, that time you spent in Yapool recently. You told me before that you hate your fathers and everything they represent," he says softly. "To understand on a deeper level that you came from that which you wanted to reject so powerfully... it hurts so much, doesn't it? And to lose your dear friend on top of that... it must make you feel so alone."
He shakes his head slightly. "But... it's still all right. The way you feel now isn't wrong, but you mustn't allow it to cloud your vision. You are still lovable. You don't need to reject your present self and try to reset yourself back to your beginning. Regardless of what you are made of--regardless of how others see you--regardless of the suffering you continue to endure--you are still you. And you are still my friend, Shozo."
He breathes a rueful little laugh, eyebrows turning in and up as his head tilts to one side. "...but it's difficult to believe that, isn't it? That's all right, too. It may take a long time before you can truly believe it. For now... just try to be a little kinder to yourself." He leans in, his eyes seeking the monster's. "Please?"
<Pose Tracker> Shozo has posed.
"...He was immersed in Yapool's hatred. Yapool hated through him, and he can't forget the feeling. He is broken, Kaworu." The other Shozo looks sad now, her tears flowing from the monster's eyes steadily.
"He still wants to love you all, but he just doesn't trust himself anymore." She gently reaches out and tugs at Kaworu's shoulder.
"Wouldn't it be better for everyone to have a new Shozo? All of you went through so much, but... to get this back. It's not fair to all of you." She hugs him, and the monster's body twitches gently, as though he were feeling the angel against his chitinous hide.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
"I see... Even I can't imagine how that must have felt. It's no wonder you think yourself broken." Still Kaworu looks at the monster, but he responds to the girl--as though she were speaking as Shozo, rather than for him. But then, she said it herself, didn't she?
She is Shozo.
"I understand better now. You're afraid that you'll hurt the ones you love, and so you've made a 'you' that's still safe to love others and be loved in return. But Shozo--that's nothing more than a self-deception. You are still you." As the girl tugs at him and hugs him, Kaworu stretches out an arm to accept her--and with the other, he draws the monster with his spikes and his bladed arm close too, embracing both equally. ...Assuming, of course, he's allowed to.
But even if he isn't, he continues, "To live is to know pain. Yet it's through our bonds with others that we can overcome it. Lina Lombardi, Gai Kurenai, Guy Shishioh, Borr and the others, Gridman... they've all suffered in their own ways. I'm sure they've all had moments when they couldn't forgive themselves. But in helping someone else, they can come to terms with themselves.
"It's the same for you, I'm certain. I can't know how it felt to have Yapool hate through you, but the answer is not to carve yourself into pieces. To neutralize (rubytext: erode) that hatred, you must let yourself love, Shozo--no matter how frightening it may be."
<Pose Tracker> Shozo has posed.
Tears flow in stereo, as the terrible spikes of the monster begin to crumble and wear like chalk against Kaworu, the blade snapping and falling into dust. Even in the throes of his fear, Shozo could not hurt Kaworu.
When the embrace ends, there is one Shozo there, looking a bit older than a child, but far too young to be called an adult. He looks tired, scared, smaller than he was when he was little... but it is Shozo.
"...I want to love. But I'm afraid I've forgotten how. Nothing feels the way it used to. Least of all me." He sniffles, trembling in Kaworu's arms.
"Do I still have the right to be myself?"
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Tears flow, spikes crumble, blades turn to dust, and Kaworu continues to hold Shozo and Shozo until they are one again. Shozo was afraid he would hurt him, but Kaworu was never afraid. He knows well what it's like to be unable to accept what you are.
He continues to hold Shozo when he returns to his previous form, letting him tremble and weep as he needs to. The trauma he's been through has left deep scars which have been filled by fear and self-hatred, and it may well come to pass that those scars never heal. But to Kaworu, that's why one has friends: to see them beyond their scars, and have them see beyond one's own, and find love in the other that one could not find for oneself.
And so he murmurs, "You always have the right to be yourself. No one can take that from you. Not Yapool; not Rayblood; not even yourself."
<Pose Tracker> Shozo has posed.
Shozo lets Kaworu hold him for a while, looking ahead into the shard of mirror the other Shozo had thrown away. He locks eyes with her in the reflection, and the two of them regard each other silently. He wants to believe in Kaworu, even if he can't believe in himself... But it's more than belief. He has to fight his fathers... but he also has to fight his own worst self.
Kaworu did say that everyone was there to support him.
He hopes he doesn't become a weakness for them.