2024-02-18: You Are The End
- Log: You Are The End
- Cast: Yuliana Kafim, Elisa Kafim
- Where: The Silent Castle, Kaffeklubben Island
- Date: 2024-02-18 (ICly August 0098)
- Summary: Elisa comforts Yuliana after a more conventional nightmare, seeing her wife still scarred by her experiences. Yuliana raises her wife above all others.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
OST: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXkbVtrBrsM Killing Joke - Love Like Blood
Yuliana was out for longer than usual, this time -- but as soon as her round of treatment ended, she got in the Ghost and came straight home. Oh, she'll go back for another round, later; but she missed her wife, even with Elisa coming to visit for her birthday.
(Of course she brought Plyushokrova with her. She wouldn't leave him there! She'll just bring him with her again when she goes back. Both she and the children were delighted to see him meet Sokrova.)
She is, at least, doing notably better; she's still quite high-energy, even now the Photon Power isn't pumping her up, but she's becoming better able to tolerate distress. Don't think it's useless -- because being able to stop long enough to think twice also makes her less reckless, and it's reduced her self-injurious behaviours, too. ... of course, it also makes her less likely to snap at people and hurt them just based on her trainwreck emotions.
Not that she doesn't still do it. It's not just a matter of her brain physically struggling to think things through; it's a matter of practice, too. But it's nice that it's less of a problem, isn't it?
Isn't it?
Another thing which has lessened -- though it still hasn't entirely gone away -- are her nightly visits to the Void; frequently, when Yuliana sleeps, she doesn't wake with raving visions. But, worryingly... she hasn't stopped having nightmares entirely.
... like now, when she lies on her side, all tucked against her wife's chest. She trembles, even under the warm weight of their furs; the tentacle which isn't wrapped about Elisa's midsection slithers, discontent and searching for threats, peeking out from under the covers. Her heart rate quickens, communicated through her fingers, where they still lay loosely at the nape of her neck. Her legs curl tighter, around her, as she curls in.
At some point in that agitation, she slips from sleep to wakefulness -- except that she doesn't betray it, the way she's come to do over the years, crying out for her wife. Her lips pinch tightly shut, in this moment, the way she used to be.
If she just pretends to be asleep, they won't select her for testing, and she can escape the next battery of experiments.
If she just pretends to be asleep, they'll continue to speak freely around her, and she can learn more about what they intend to do.
If she just pretends to be asleep, she really will go back to sleep, and she'll escape this place.
If she just pretends, then...
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Yuliana was out too long, but that can be forgiven. (It's not Yuliana's fault.)
But Elisa is delighted to see how popular Plyushokrova is (with Yuliana). But she has noticed the... improvement, as well. There are definite upsides to the treatment that has been ongoing.
But the nightmares...
Yes, those are an issue. What to do...? Elisa, of course, is watching Yuliana. It is something she does. She has no need for sleep, has no need to relinquish consciousness and become more vulnerable. But that is a thing that the mortal still require...
Regardless of that, she watches. And so she notices the slight difference--the way Yuliana's mouth shifts. It is not a Visit. It is a nightmare.
Hmm... Such distress is hard to tolerate, and yet--
She must be careful.
"...All is well," Elisa says after a moment, without reaching down to touch Yuliana in a way that might feel like restraint. "There is no lab. There is a bed; there are the furs. Sokrova is near..."
"All is well." She will speak, softly, until Yuliana is comfortable enough to awaken, or falls asleep again.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana was, at least, giddily gleeful to return to Elisa again.
And she does, yes, still need to sleep. Perhaps, one day, they'll be able to lay in bed and gaze at each other until the affairs of the world catch up to them again -- certainly Yuliana does enjoy it, before she has to close her eyes. Until then, she is happiest trusting her vulnerability to Elisa; she's confided before how much more difficult it is to sleep, when she's alone.
"Nn..." It's an unhappy little noise Yuliana makes, when she hears Elisa's voice, but it is a noise; her eyes scrunch, and her face scrunches, and then the veils of her lashes part and she sees her wife anew. "Elya," Yuliana murmurs, and the distress in her gaze could break a heart.
Elisa is careful, but Yuliana buries herself against her, nosing her face in beneath her wife's chin as she clutches her arms tightly about her. "Hold me close, zhenushka," she whines, now she has the sense about her to realise her dreams haven't followed her through to reality. "Please... sputnica zhizni, I need to feel safe again." And that is where her safety lies, in the arms of her lifelong companion.
"I had a bad dream..." And it is just a dream, those memories warped to terrifying caricatures. All is well; she is here, in the furs, with her wife and her cat, and there is no lab any more. All is well...
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
That was good.
One day that may be, but today, Elisa watches Yuliana return. Her heart takes another crack, but she carries on. She speaks, until Yuliana buries herself against her--and only then does she hold Yuliana, wrapping arms about her such that she cannot be pried free.
"Of course," Elisa says.
"...Do you wish to speak this dream?" Elisa asks. "Or leave it behind? I will be here, in either case."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Oh, Elisa endures so much.
And Yuliana shudders as all the tension carried in that nightmare releases, draining into her tight, secure embrace. "Oh," she sighs, in voice instead of loving thought, nuzzling her cheek into the crook of Elisa's neck.
"They said... I might have more nightmares," she explains, haltingly, as her heartbeat slows against her wife. (And how plain is it, now, beating against her?) "Since... the therapy... we were talking about it." So it isn't Yuliana's fault, then.
"It's not just Dr. Tian any more," she adds, that woman who Elisa was able to punish during their raid on the Institute. ... the one Leina helped to kill. It's no wonder, perhaps, that she would dominate Yuliana's nightmares; she was one of the Institute's leading psychiatrists, and did plenty of her own 'therapy'. "It's..."
But she pauses, and it's not a gap of being unwilling to speak to Elisa. No -- it's just the flinch reaction. "Elya, they made me do it. Many times, they made me do it. Testing me against the others. I told myself they deserved it. Even when they tied them down and gave me a knife, I told myself they deserved it." She's spoken, of course, about the experiments into spirits and Newtypes which the Institute explored.
"I did it to them," she says, upset to the point of distraction. "I helped her. I did it to them. I cooperated. A collaborator. I was -- so -- useful, Elya. I furthered the experiment..."
And is it more horrifying that she did those things to people so much like herself, or that she helped the people hurting her?
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
She does. And this, too, she will endure.
"Yes... Not because the treatment is bad for you, but because there is more space for them, for your mind to process. This is what they said, yes?"
Of course it's not Yuliana's fault. But Elisa does not want her to feel it is the fault of the treatment, either. ...not now, anyway.
Elisa remembers that woman. And she recognizes the flinch... Hmmm.
Yes. Elisa hears Yuliana; she remembers what she has said before, what she has read before. And what she did, how useful she was--
"It is because they were the ones holding the 'power' over you," Elisa says gently. "Of course you would be 'useful' in such a case. You are strong."
"...But never again. Now you are the one of 'power'. Now you are the one who uses. Now, it will be your choice, not theirs."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Yeah..." Yuliana nods, against Elisa's skin, breathing her in with a desperation that nears hunger. Of course... with the Empress demanding (or, at least, acquiring) less of her time, her mind would take more of it for herself. It makes sense...
Just like it makes sense, doesn't it, that they used her when they held power over her? Yuliana's breath hitches in her throat, and she clutches Elisa tighter.
"Oh, Elya --" and for some reason she chokes on her pain, even as her wife offers her salvation. "Y-you know, I -- after Torrington fell, I -- the Major was so cruel," and she's spoken of it many times by now, the way he assured her that the world would no longer accept her as a woman, the way she was something humanity created instead of a human being with feelings. "I thought to myself, then, if they wouldn't accept me as a woman, they must accept me as a queen! But it was all so hopeless... I couldn't do anything to stop it. Scarcely a minute went by the conversation before I was, apologising to him..."
Her shoulders shake, as tears smear against Elisa's skin. "I was told I had power -- but it was -- all a lie. A veneer of legitimacy... for a tool. And it was so easy to trick me..."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
It is easy to speak sense, for Elisa. She understands much.
"I recall," Elisa says, "What you told me." Why she went to see him. But, "...Wishing for power does not make it so," she says sadly. "You had strength, but not power. Even to the Major... But he is gone now. All those who would steal you from me in this way are gone, and will be gone when I find them anew."
She was told... And it was a lie. Is it a lie now? No, no.
"I will see to it that your power endures. It is not as it was."
"You are no 'tool', now. You are the very reason for all that is."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
And Yuliana depends on Elisa's wisdom.
"Mm..." Yuliana is sad, just the same, as Elisa reminds her that a wish for power just isn't the same. She had strength... she's always been strong. (Though it isn't her strong arms securing Elisa, right now.)
But he is gone, Elisa assures her, and Yuliana nuzzles her face against her wife's dark skin. "Okay," she murmurs, and she is relieved.
She does not wish to be stolen.
Yuliana heaves a great sigh, sinking deeper into her wife. "I am... the reason," she repeats, slowly. "I'm not just a screwdriver any more..." And that would be Alexis's wound, more's the pity that he's now too far to reach. "I'm powerful... with you, Elya." Not that Elisa said that last part; not that she had to say it. Yuliana can fill in the gaps herself.
She laughs, tearful, a hitch of a giggle. "It's funny -- it's funny, Elya. Just a week ago, I felt so, so alienated hearing our marriage was unlike another Zentradi's -- I couldn't give voice to the disparity at all -- you know, it even bothered me. But it's so wonderful... really, it's wonderful... how could they understand how amazing you are? Even when I'm this hurt, you see me for who I am..."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
It is sad. It is a sad, sad thing. And Yuliana's strength could reassure Elisa, if only it came with endurance.
But...
"Yes," Elisa says. "A tool is a means to an end. You are the End." She smiles. She doesn't have to say it, of course. She is powerful... with Elisa. "With me, your true power can be shown."
"It is the nature of our union," Elisa says. "I understand... that you might feel this way. That they would wish to make you feel this way. But they do not understand; they cannot understand."
She inclines her head, against Yuliana. "Yes..."
"This other Zentradi, I am curious," she admits. "But just as you are different, so too am I. We are different together."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
If only Elisa's wife were not such a fragile woman.
But Yuliana is the End, and her head tilts, agaist her wife, as she hears it. Her frills fan out, waving lazily against the side of her head, where they're not trapped against Elisa's skin. (There, they squirm.) "... I am the End," she repeats, quietly, her gaze lidding.
And there, at the End of All Things...
Is that her true power?
"With you," she breathes, in echo.
It is something they cannot understand, of course, as Yuliana embraces her wife. Elisa understands, though; Elisa has always been so understanding. "Together," she echoes her, a third time for a charm. Finally she lifts her head, shifting so that she can look her wife in the eyes, her own endless green still shining with those tears. She's not upset at Elisa, though. She couldn't possibly be.
"He said that he could associate with someone his wife loathed," she explains, feeds Elisa's curiosity without hesitation. Elisa is just curious, after all, and there's no danger in that. (It's not, precisely, what he said, but this is not about him.) "That they could just tolerate those differences in their opinions! At the time, I couldn't manage to say... I couldn't imagine such a thing in our marriage. Wouldn't you be unhappy, if I made nice with someone who bothered you? I'd hate it. But how could two people be married and on such different wavelengths...?"
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
She is the End. And there, at the End...
"Together." She smiles. Why would she be upset at Elisa? There is no reason. Instead, still, she must be feeling that difficulty... And Elisa listens.
She frowns thoughtfully, at the explanation. It is not something that reaches her eyes, not a terrible, flashing expression of anger. Instead, "How unusual," she says. "I suppose..."
Hmmm.
"I do not mind," she says. "Some of the people at the Photon Power League, even, are those I would not generally associate with. But because they can help you, I can tolerate it."
"Oh, but do not think that a problem. We will do what we must, for you." A smile. Then, more seriously, "...But it is strange, to think of someone doing so for no reason. They must not be nearly as close as we are."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
And how relieving that it isn't terrible, and is just a sign of Elisa's thoughtfulness. Certainly Yuliana's gaze flickers across Elisa's face, for a moment, searching -- almost anxious, in her own way. But it's fine, isn't it?
"Oh," she sighs, with a long, slow blink. "Yes, I suppose that's right... but that's not the same thing, is it? If you hated them, Elya -- if you really hated them -- I'd never speak with them again!"
Really, she feels a little guilty. "Since they can help me... I guess that's fine," she says, and her own smile is a touch wan, but she smiles anyway.
She brightens, though, a moment later. "That's just what I said!" She says, visibly invigorated to have echoed her wife before the fact for once. "You know, he's got one of those polyamorous marriages -- so I did tell him, you know, he'd naturally be less close if he's sharing. And he didn't have anything to argue that," she adds, quite pleased with her conclusion. "I can't imagine what would drive someone to do such a thing -- I would never want to think you'd fall into someone else's arms! And it must be hard enough for you to share with Yourself," Yuliana adds, with a light pout.
It's a touch strange, being married to the same woman twice, but it's definitely not the same as whatever his marriage is.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
It's very fine. Super fine. "Of course," Elisa answers Yuliana. She does feel a little guilty, doesn't she? Well, that's not the worst thing in the world, since they're taking her away from Elisa for a while. "But I don't. It is hard to truly hate anyone who could assist you, my darling."
But she reserves the right to hate them later, she doesn't say.
Instead...
"Ahhh, is that how it is?" Elisa asks. "Of course he didn't. Sometimes something is just obvious." A pause. "Of course. And..."
Hmmm, should she say it?
"Sometimes," she says. "But I do remind myself that She is also me... and of course, a divinity is different in any case. It's not as if there are two of me on the same scale. Her needs are... different, from mine."
Definitely not the same. Something to be better than... that's important.
"Well, that's all right, then. It seems you are doing better..."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Then Yuliana will just have to bear that guilt, for Elisa. She is relieved, at least, to hear that Elisa doesn't hate them. "You're so considerate, zhenushka," Yuliana murmurs, warmly, retrieving one of her hands so that she can cup her wife's cheek.
If she hates them later, Yuliana will just have to condemn them -- later.
She nods, firmly, when Elisa calls her bigotry obvious. It's plain for everyone to see, as far as she's concerned. Of course it's fine to play the field, but shouldn't a devoted wife settle down with one partner?
(That's what Yuliana would tell you, anyway. If Yuliana tells you the sky is blue, you should probably check.)
But Elisa shares her struggles over sharing her wife, and Yuliana strokes her cheek, lovingly. "It's different," she assures her. (It's better.) "And, you know... I've thought a few times, now... She chose me, and I'm honoured," Yuliana dips her head, demure, against the pillow. "But... you are the woman I chose, Elya. I offered myself to you... you are foremost my wife, sputnica zhizni. I love you first. Not that I'm not devoted to Her, of course -- even with all this, you know -- but..."
Of course Yuliana and Elisa's union is better than the other marriages on this Earth, but Elisa is favoured, too.
"I'm doing better," she concludes, rather than finishing her thought outright. "Thanks to you, zhenushka."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa does not restrain that hand. Instead, she leans into it when it's at her cheek. Later is fine.
Yuliana's surety is a good quality.
But it is different, and it is... gratifying, to hear that statement, though strange. Elisa feels a conflict, there, but it is one she can easily resolve, or that seems easy enough.
"...Yes," Elisa says. "You chose me. I am first." She smiles. "...We can be devoted to my Self, of course. We have duties to Her."
"But we are ours, fundamentally. Yours and mine."
Elisa smiles more widely. She has the correct number of teeth.
"Yes, my darling. We shall be well... together."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Later...
Yuliana doesn't have to worry about later, right now, when she's so pleased to see her wife leaning into her touch.
"We are devoted," Yuliana assures her, "together. We serve Her requirements together. But you..." She tilts her face in towards Elisa again, this time to lay her lips against hers instead of any effort to hide. "... are mine."
And she pulls back just enough to be able to gaze into her eyes, as she promises: "As I am yours... as we are ours. Oh... there's nothing more important to me than that."
Yuliana, smiling like this, plainly has one too many teeth.
They're together, after all.