2024-02-04: .all that i am and all of my doubT
- Log: .all that i am and all of my doubT
- Cast: Yuliana Kafim, Elisa Kafim
- Where: The Silent Castle, Kaffeklubben Island
- Date: 2024-02-04 (Late May 0098)
- Summary: Yuliana offers herself to Elisa's scrying-orb, and in the weariness which follows, bares her heart to her about her guilt and her fear. Elisa assuages her feelings over the Empress, assuring her that they both love her; and Yuliana notices that Elisa, at least, is very respectful of her wishes. Elisa wonders whether they could be selective about those they usher to the Void. They speak of several others, and Yuliana encourages Elisa to experience more of the world, but in the end she just wants to rest with her wife. (CW: Coercive control)
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
The North Wing of the Silent Castle lies on the northern end of the island, separated from the other Wings -- though still quite accessible through the passageways built into the walls of the Castle, as well as through its vast inner courtyard. Like the central chambers leading to the rest of the Castle, the doors leading to the North Wing suit a macronised woman, and much of the tower is comfortable to a Meltrandi...
... for this is where Elisa enacts her works.
(As above, so below.)
This high in the tower, they're in a miclone-sized room, and there are no windows to let in the light of eternal day. Something red and rustic seeps from the stone, and deep red markings surround the dais, illuminated by candles lit with green flame. Upon the altar is that crystal ball, all latticed with Voidframe, Yuliana writ into its veins.
Yuliana is here, now, with her wife; she doesn't wish to neglect these duties, even through all her reservations. With familiar words, she incants: "I offer you all that I am, warding Lock and turning Key. I am the Gate, offered freely, and without reservation."
And it takes what she's offering.
"Know me," she says, a low and rasping quality to her voice as her endless eyes shine with strange light, "as I know the Void."
Elisa will know, by now, to catch her as the spell releases her from its grip.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
The North Wing is quiet. It is strange. And it is Elisa's.
Yes, this place is Elisa's, and it is her workspace.
Yes, Elisa is here, and when Yuliana sways, Elisa reaches out to catch her, already so, so close.
She has lit these candles; she has attended this crystal ball. She has devised the chants. But Yuliana does the working in this.
"Ah, my Yuliana," she says. "Yes. It is well."
She is dresssed in her dark robes, Micronized to be Yuliana's scale. That is the way of this room.
Her eyes do not shine as Yuliana's does, save for by the reflected candlelight, and the intensity writ there.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Oh," Yuliana sighs, as her hands release the crystal, and she sways backwards. Were Elisa not here, she would surely fall -- but Elisa is here, and she sinks into her arms, instead.
As she blinks that colour out of space from her eyes, she tries to focus on Elisa's face, reaching her hand up to fumble for her cheek. When clarity returns to her, her palm rests against her cheek, and warmth returns to her smile. "It is well," she echoes her, breathlessly, head lolling against her strong arms. "Now... you can work..."
She is glad to lend Elisa her power, when Elisa's artworks are so beautiful. What she would need them for, now, isn't much her concern; she could not deprive her. It is important for the scrying orb to know Yuliana, to allow Elisa the insight she holds. In many ways... it's her connection to her Self.
As well as a connection to Yuliana -- a connection which must be maintained and cultivated, for it isn't kept in real time.
"... oh... Elya, I'm feeling lightheaded," she murmurs, and this, too, isn't unusual; the sharing does tire her. "Can we..." Of course, since it isn't unusual, Elisa has surely made sure there's a fainting couch nearby. The North Wing may be the least hospitable area of the Silent Castle -- but that is a concern for other people, not something to trouble Yuliana.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa smiles back. It is an important thing, this, for the reasons that Yuliana knows. She may not need them yet, but she is working on her own, as well, working to find new methods, new powers, new understanding. Perhaps there are ways further...
As indeed, it does Connect her.
"We can," Elisa says, and picks Yuliana up, carrying her to the couch and gently draping her across it. "Rest. Take your time. I thank you for this, my darling. And now it is time to recover."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Come here," Yuliana whines as she grasps at Elisa, mid-drape, tugging her down just the same; she's determined to lay her head in Elisa's lap, even if the couch is too narrow for them both to lay down.
Of course she wants to be close to her wife, and particularly now, when she's travelling abroad so frequently.
"You're welcome," she says, smiling. Is there the scent of blood in the walls? It doesn't matter. "I'd never neglect you, zhenushka..."
Her gaze lids, gazing up to her wife. "I felt so guilty," she murmurs, all her heart laid bare. "So it's nice... to be able to do something normal." Is this normal? It must be, after so many ritual offerings.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa sits down. She is happy about this! She is glad to be close to Yuliana as a rule, and does not call attention to the blood scent. It's fine.
"I know," Elisa answers. "You would not, and have not."
She felt... guilty, is it? "For requiring your distance?" she wonders. "For taking up space for yourself?"
"Tell me. I will hear you, if you wish it."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
And Yuliana nestles into her lap, entirely contented; her hands find one of Elisa's, and lace her fingers in through hers, cradling it close to her cheek. She is glad to hear Elisa hasn't felt neglected, as well, for of course she worries.
Her frills fan lazily out behind her ears, calmed beside her wife. "Oh, Elya," she sighs, happily, "I love how thoughtful you've been. Despite all Her pushiness, you've always minded my comfort... unlike Her demands, you're so considerate. I really do appreciate it, you know..." Because of course Yuliana has noticed the way Elisa always attends to Yuliana's wishes, particularly recently.
Elisa is different to the Empress, after all.
And of course she will tell her, made into such a considerate request. "It's just... a thing Leyasha said, in this last outing," Yuliana sighs. "She said -- she said the Empress is abusing me. I was upset, but I couldn't refute it, either... of course, then Sharochka rejected me, and I really went off. I don't even remember what it was -- maybe just her tone... I even almost threw something at her, but of course I'd never bring her to harm."
Her fingers curl, as she turns her face, hiding herself in Elisa's voluminous robes. "I stormed off to my room, and I didn't want to come out... it felt as if my brain were ripping itself apart." And there's something in that account which Elisa might see, even if Yuliana doesn't. "I was so upset... I suppose I felt wretched, since Leyasha had that impression about our Marriage. But later, I even repeated what she said... I think it must really worry me, Elya. That it's going to get worse when She's physically here with me..."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Ah, worry...
"I am careful," Elisa says, and that is also true. "I care for you." Similar, but distinct. "I know that you do. You have said as much."
Because that is how one share's ones feeling's. But that statement... Hmmm.
"I see."
Shari rejected her, did she? "...There is no need to focus overmuch on young Shari's feelings. She is rebellious now, finding her own way. To find her own way is what you wished for her, yes? Give her time to understand that she need not take issue with you."
Her tone, probably. That means she is willing to speak up after all...
Elisa sees it; the stress there. Perhaps it will be necessary to change a certain matter. Perhaps. But....
"Of course it worries you; they say this thing all the time, it is only natural to wonder if it might be true. But remember that when She is manifest, I will also be manifest. My tenderness and understanding will inform Her."
"Abuse is a word mortals use to speak of relationships of power. But I am here. Remember that She is not your enemy. If they do not understand, then they do not understand. We need not convince them for the truth to be as it is."
"Sometimes, one simply disagrees."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"You're wonderful," Yuliana sighs, in the wake of Elisa's careful caring, and clearly she has no complaints with this wife.
And she listens, and nods against Elisa's leg, as her wife asks whether she wanted their niece to find her own way. And Elisa explains what they say, and she sighs, again, looking up to her wife.
"So it doesn't... apply," she works through it, slowly. "Not to a divine relationship like this... it isn't mortal." She is, but -- it would never describe her wives. "Oh, Elya... I know you'll protect me, once you're reunited with your Self. I just feel so unfaithful... how could my faith be shaken so easily? I know it's natural, but I feel like -- like a bad wife!"
It clearly upsets her terribly, with the heartbreaking look she gives Elisa.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
"As are you."
Elisa strokes Yuliana's frills as she considers the matter. She looks back down to Yuliana.
"Indeed. While you may yet be, She is not."
A pause. "I will. Indeed, there will be no need to protect you from Her when we are united. We shall understand your needs, and fulfill them. There will not be this disconnection."
But unfaithful?
"How can I--can We--do anything but forgive you?" Elisa wonders. "You are my precious love." There is something to forgive, of course, being unfaithful in this way. But forgiven it can be. "You need not despair. I love you, as does She. Such passing things as doubt..."
"That is dust on the wind."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana's gaze lids, humming content, as she feels Elisa's fingers stroke her frill. They're sensitive enough that she doesn't like most people touching them, but Elisa is another matter entirely. She trusts Elisa completely.
And perhaps she won't always be mortal, the way Elisa talks. But isn't that fine? If she wants to be with her Wife, and not just her wife.
"It's the disconnection..." She murmurs, affirmatively. And when Elisa forgives her so easily for her lack of faith, her gaze gentles, those strange little tentacles at her frill curling about Elisa's fingers. Of course it is a thing which needs forgiving, but her wife is so understanding --
"Elya!" She exclaims, and brings that other hand she's cradling to her lips, kissing her fingertips in lieu of the strength to lift herself up and kiss her properly. "Oh, I'm so happy... sputnica zhizni, I love you so much. And still I love Her, though I admit I am sometimes frightened..."
She sighs, over Elisa's fingers, smiling self-effaced as she looks up to her wife. "You remember I said I rather totalled that Ichinana, fighting Asciel, or Atrytone, or Hustler One, or whatever she's calling herself today? Haa... in truth it was because she insulted Her, Elya. She degenerated Her divinity -- called Her a delusion! I grew so angry I leapt fully into her fury and fire just to strike her for her hubris... I suppose I wasn't thinking straight, but it made me so angry. How could she speak of my Wife that way?"
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Why should Yuliana remain mortal? How could she stay forever with Elisa in such a state?
Elisa will always be understanding of Yuliana. This is one of her promises. And Elisa looks down with a smile, curling her fingers to cup Yuliana's cheek. "I love you," she tells her again. "And She loves you. A bit of fear is natural. She is so very large, not meant for ordinary people to understand, and you still have your feet in the mortal realm. When We arrive, we shall all be ready for each other."
And then, she remembers. "I do." A pause. "...Ugh. Yes," Elisa says. "But Asciel Colette is a fool. She thinks herself a machine that would be a god, when she is merely a woman herself of metal and wire. It is plain for anyone to see."
"Let her believe as she wills. Blasphemy is her defense against the knowledge that she is fundamentally irrelevant."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana nuzzles her face into Elisa's fingers, as her cheeks flush with affection. "She is," she agrees, softly. "So large. Even I am humbled, before Her... oh, Elya, She stretches out forever. Unfathomably... it's beautiful." She smiles, to Elisa, as she emphasises: "You're beautiful."
And when she pouts, she pouts because she's thinking of Asciel, not because she's sour about her wives. "She is arrogant," she sniffs, piqued. "Her blasphemy upsets me so much, Elya! Oh, but she's hardly the only person to doubt Her..." Yuliana sighs, frowning. "I know they don't have to understand, but -- but everyone thinks so poorly of Her. It's..." She trails off, her gaze flicking off to the side, to focus on the velvet texture of the fainting couch instead.
"... is it my fault, Elya?" She asks, smaller. "Just because I want a little space... just because Her affection overwhelms me, the way I am now. It's not like I want to abandon Her, even though I know She worries... I just don't want to be hurt. But they think such awful things about Her... am I giving them the wrong impression?" Because, of course, it's all about her.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
"And this beauty, we shall show." She smiles. "Thank you, my darling."
Asciel's arrogance is a known trait to Elisa; she is sure of her perception of the AI. "The only reason it does not upset me more is that her own delusions are so plainly manifest." But doubt? The others...
"No," Elisa answers definitively. "They fear Her because the destiny we bring is not the one they would choose. They fear Her because they do not understand. They fear Her for many reasons. Not least is that they think of Her in merely mortal terms. They have not the capacity to think of a God, and why would they? This world has progressed beyond such beings until now. Until a new God, for a new, modern world."
"...Perhaps it is so that they feel emboldened to share these opinions because they think you might become unfaithful to Her, in your wishes. But it is not your fault."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana smiles, up to her wife, and not a thought of telling her to avert her beauty crosses her mind. For all that those people have told her it will be worse when She is here, Yuliana does not even think to question how wonderful her wives' beauty is.
Why would she? Her wife is so supportive. She's wonderful!
And entirely right. Of course Asciel is the one with the delusions.
Elisa has definitive answers to Yuliana's uncertainties, and it has always reassured her. Why they would fear Her... of course they are not yet prepared. Though...
"Elya..." Yuliana murmurs, clasping Elisa's hand close to her, cradled in her own scarred hands. "They always say they don't want it... they wouldn't choose it. Is... is it right for us to force them to revelation? I know we carry a burden they are unbothered by, knowing the potential of the future, but... Leyasha seemed so upset by the idea she would be Uplifted by the coming of the Void. I tried to explain it would be fine, if we all were changed, but..."
Her eyes blink closed, as she buries herself in against her wife. "Mm... but that's just... my faith being shaken, isn't it," she decides, with a wavering tone. "I should already know that sometimes what's best for people isn't what they'd want responsibility for choosing..." ... she took that choice away from the people of the REA many times, in her tenure as a special forces officer, after all.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Though...
"Hmmmm," Elisa considers. Is it right? "It is true that evolution is rarely pleasant. That progress has a cost. Leina does not wish it, hm...?"
Yuliana is wavering. Elisa sees that she could push here; but she also knows that Yuliana will continue to be pushed by the others. To nip this issue, she would have to deny her wife what she wishes, what she needs. And so...
"Your faith is admirable," Elisa says. "And that is true. But... We are reconsidering many things. I will consider this, as well. It goes without question that we must open the Way. You will forever be trapped in this half-way state if we don't." And of course, she will be trapped half-way as well. But Elisa doesn't have to remind Yuliana of that.
"...But perhaps we could simply open the way and allow the few, the Enlightened, to pass through, if the others would be so ungrateful."
"We need not decide yet. But I will think on this, if you wish me to."
"...You know, of course, that I believe that it is our very strength that gives us the responsibility to choose. But I am willing to pursue other angles, for you."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Mm," Yuliana hums affirmation, nodding as Elisa acknowledges how unpleasant progress can be.
She tilts her head, looking up to her wife, as Elisa reminds her of what they're reconsidering. "We must," she affirms their aims for the Way, quietly. "It hurts so much, Elya." And of course it is the push and pull of being caught between two worlds which hurts her; Elisa told her, long ago, and she's never forgotten.
Yuliana blinks, surprised, when Elisa proposes being selective. "Would such a thing... even be possible...?" She asks, turning the idea around in her head. "I wanted to save humanity... but I do wonder if it's worth saving people who don't wish to be saved, Elya." And she has wondered this from the start, always flirting with the idea that perhaps her offerings are unwanted. Years of love have clearly not shaken those thoughts from her.
"Of course, it's our responsibility," she says, still accepts it, easily. "I can be stern if I must, Elya. We're fighting for the good of humanity, after all..."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
"I know," Elisa says to Yuliana, and it is heartbreaking to see. Elisa remembers what she said, of course; she remembers that truth.
Nevermind that others might not see it as such.
"It might," Elisa says. "Possibly. A door that is opened need not necessarily spill out into the world. But it would be a shame to deny you this world."
She seems to think for a moment. "Yes... I will investigate this possibility." She will. That much, at least, is true.
But, "Yes. We are. So I will continue, one way or another. But this is a time of contemplation for us; it is natural to consider some of our base premises, to strengthen them."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"There is much I love of it," Yuliana says, "though it pains me so. I don't hate this world, Elya... that's why it troubles me to think they might not want it. Oh, I wish they understood us..."
Yuliana does so cry out for understanding, even from people who can't understand her, even though Elisa understands her so well.
"You're right," she murmurs, pressing her lips to the back of Elisa's hand again. "Even with how NUNE is acting, we can afford to take some time and think. And it hasn't been pointless... I'm sleeping better now, aren't I?" She is; her nightmares are more frequently nightmares instead of visions, now, and those can be medicated.
"But you know, talking about the door... reminds me," she says, looking up to her wife. "Our sister came to visit again -- Rena. Perhaps that's why I'm plagued by guilt, too... since I advised her how to turn away from the Void instead of encouraging her to embrace it. But if I told her to come to us, she'd run away, wouldn't she...?" Yuliana sighs, shaking her head. "So maybe it's better if she thinks I'm an ally, the way she is now..."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
"Indeed. I know the care you hold for this world. It is rich, and admirable."
If they understood, all might be well...
But Elisa knows that she understands. Perhaps that will be enough. It should be.
"We can. And you are. We are learning, and we are gaining from this arrangement. It has not been a waste."
The door? Ah. "...I see. You made the right choice. It is unintuitive, but by closing our grip on her we would only encourage her to struggle and escape. You are right. She would only run away."
"But it is inevitable that she will come to the Void, now. We need not rush her."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana sighs as she hugs Elisa's hand to her, tucking it beneath her chin, by the blood beating through her neck. "I want you to remember your love for my home, too..." And she doesn't mean Zaftra, or Indonesia, though certainly those places are part of it; she speaks of the Earth, of this physical realm with all its treasures and pleasures, entirely unlike the Void which now shelters Elisa's greater Self.
(Elisa's understanding should be enough, yet it isn't, and Yuliana must realise how selfish that is.)
"Good," she smiles, when Elisa agrees with their diversions. She would of course have to reassess her plans if Elisa disagreed, but this way, she gets to do what she wants. Isn't Elisa so thoughtful?
And she is relieved, hearing Elisa affirm that her choice was correct. "I'm glad," she says, and doesn't connect at all the way Elisa holds her in an open palm. "I wonder what will happen, Elya... since she's been violating human hearts for so long. Will she be freed of that burdensome insight? Or has it been too long for her..? I've never had occasion to consider... what happens to people who awaken to the Void afterwards."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
The Earth... "It is difficult at times," Elisa admits. "When I see little of it. When I am working... When I am without you. But perhaps I can see to matters outside, while you are away. Perhaps..."
The physical realm has its advantages.
And then, well. No one need consider too much. What happens, though...
"Hmm. I am unsure," Elisa says. "We shall see for ourselves, what happens with her. Perhaps she will be freed of it in time. So far as we know, it is impossible to hold both..."
"Watch her, if you can. We shall learn. We shall Know."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"I'd like that," Yuliana affirms, and the affection in her words vibrates through her throat into her fingertips. This, too, is a physical thing.
She smiles up to her wife, who is honest enough to tell her when she doesn't know something, which only makes it easier to believe what she knows for sure. "I'll keep a close eye on her, Elya," she promises, "for you. And we will see what happens..."
Her eyes drift closed in her comfort, but a moment later, she does speak up again. "... oh... did I mention Leyasha did take responsibility for making me so sad?" She did. She tells Elisa everything. And it might not be entirely Leina's fault, but -- "... she was terribly stern, making me do things, but I did feel better after I'd washed and exercised... so don't judge her too harshly. Okay...?"
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
It is a physical thing... A thing Elisa can touch. She remembers touch, sometimes. Remembers sight, smell...
There is blood in the room, isn't there?
"Thank you, my darling. You are my eyes with these people. I am glad to rely on you--but rely on you I must."
Then... Leina? Hmmm. "Is that so?" her voice is a little icy, to start, but she relents. "...Well, since you wish it," she says, "I will not judge her harshly this time."
She smiles. "For you."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"You don't have to," Yuliana smiles, fondly, "though I'm glad you do. But you could look upon her yourself, you know. Why, if you don't want to frighten her from the start -- just wear a disguise!"
Yuliana probably means a pair of sunglasses instead of dark magic, but, well, the smell of blood is a pervasive background detail in this room.
She's used to it.
"Mm," Yuliana says, hugging Elisa's hand closer. "I wasn't pleased at the time, but I can't really fault her now... she just wanted to help me, Elya. When I was sad enough to say it was hopeless to help me, she got so cross... really, she's a sweet girl. So it's fine..."
Her smile widens, when Elisa is willing to do such a thing for her. (A lock is a limiter.) "Thank you, zhenushka... you're so kind to me." As for the rest of the world... well. This isn't about them.
And she nestles in, against Elisa, breathing out in a long sigh. "... but... I'm still tired," she confesses, eyes still closed. "Watch over me... Elya..." And it's a needy request, as she settles in against her, her breathing growing even. Even if Elisa doesn't have to sleep... Yuliana, still mortal, does.
For now.