2024-01-22: .in my incomparable wounds lies the truth that love is not our enemY
- Log: .in my incomparable wounds lies the truth that love is not our enemY
- Cast: Yuliana Kafim, Elisa Kafim
- Where: The Silent Castle, Kaffeklubben Island
- Date: 2024-01-22 (ICly late March, 0098)
- Summary: Yuliana flees home, and deletes the evidence of the Empress's crimes against her. Elisa hears her suffering, and reassures her until she's willing to return to her treatment and investigations -- but when she hears of the Untreated Green Fold, her advice is instead to give Shari a wide berth. Because the Empress was protecting Yuliana from dangers they don't yet comprehend; She is not their enemy, for all Her misunderstandings, and She wishes to protect Yuliana just the same. Yuliana is still troubled by the Empress's influence over her, but Elisa assures her they'll figure it out, together. (CW: coercive control)
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
OST: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vFrjMq4aL-g Darren Korb - Paper Boats
Yuliana elected to stay at the PPL after that travesty with the untreated Green Fold -- though, Elisa will know through their many phone conversations, her manic energy was gutted by it. The stay culminated with her calling Elisa to tell her she'd like to deploy -- and while she wasn't, explicitly, asking permission, it was still surely understood that Elisa could have stopped her if she wanted to explicitly say she shouldn't do so.
She didn't, though, so it was just a case of calling her wife to make sure she knew what she was planning to do.
Soon after that -- perhaps a little longer than a day, accounting for timezones, but certainly with the intent of being more or less right afterwards -- Yuliana returned. Understandably, her wife was quite weary; they took a meal together, bathed, and went to bed.
And it is quite notable that Yuliana doesn't wake up every night raving with visions of another world. Which isn't to say she never does -- but neither is it, now, always. Now she's having normal nightmares as well, there's a greater spread to her actions around sleep. For instance -- getting up in the middle of the night without having to spend half an hour relating what she has Seen, so she can go to the bathroom.
When she pads back into their room, veiled from view by the curtains on their four-poster bed, she pauses by their dresser table. There's the sound of her picking something up -- and the shadow, cast by that fireplace which always crackles to warm Yuliana, of her walking to the window.
And there is a brief slice of light, as the blackout curtains are disturbed.
Part the curtains, and it might not be immediately obvious where Yuliana is, until -- ah, there. One of her legs extends out from behind the curtain. She must be sitting in the window-seat, in the eternal light of the cold sun.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Yes, Elisa has heard the difference in Yuliana's voice. She has noticed, the way that that beautiful energy, her indomitable spirit, has been crushed by what occurred. No, Elisa did not insist that Yuliana return, very much not.
...Given what happened, it would seem to her to be a mistake, to exert control in that moment.
But Yuliana returned, and Elisa has been patient. Elisa Kafim has waited for her wife. She has waited, for her to return, and the way she pauses, looks to the window... Ah. There she is.
The cold sun, harsh and terrible...
Elisa rises, silent, and walks towards Yuliana, and the window.
"...My darling," she says.
"I am here."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana looks up, and smiles, her frill fanning beside her head as she hears her wife. She's still wearing her hall-cloak over her nightgown; while the Silent Castle's living spaces are heated, the halls can get quite nippy. "Elya," she says, and when one of the jaw-claws of her tentacles reaches back to pull the curtain to expose her, she looks a touch sheepish. (There is a lovely view of the inner courtyard, outside the window -- and that much is even true in Winter, more or less, thanks to the soft glow of the green defensive pylons on their castle walls. ... it's colder here than it is further inside, though, because even the thick glass of the Castle's windows conveys something of the temperature outside.) "I didn't mean to disturb you..."
She's holding her phone, sitting faced towards one of the corners of the window seat; and Elisa may note, when Yuliana glances back down, that she's deleting all the footage from Emptear's internals from it.
And her frills wilt as she confirms that deletion and looks back to her wife. "I'm just torching some evidence," she says, more downcast, in explanation. "I don't need to remember what happened, and there's no point showing other people what it's really like. So..."
So she has no more need of that proof she specifically requested.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
The halls can. Elisa is not wearing a cloak; she is unconcerned with the cold. The heat of the living space is sufficient, and Elisa waits until Yuliana opens the curtain. Once she does, she watches her, not the inner courtyard.
Sure, it's a lovely view, but it's less important than Yuliana.
"It is fine," Elisa says of disturbing, and Elisa steps inside the curtain, obviating the need for the tentacle to hold it open. She notices her wilting, torching the evidence...
"I see..."
"Your feelings on the matter have changed, then."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana puts her phone down on the couch, reaching up, instead, towards her wife. She gently tugs her down onto the window-seat, beside her, and wastes no time in draping herself about Elisa.
She may not be entirely warm, but she's warmer.
"Mm," she hums, wrapping arms and tentacles both around her. Her feelings have changed, but... "I thought... I don't know."
And there is a long gap, when she encounters that mental block, trying to sort through her feelings on the matter. Elisa can surely feel her frustration, as she tries to figure out just what she was thinking, but -- "It was bad?" She says, half a guess, at length. "If they knew how bad it was, maybe -- they'd realise what I was going through. What was waiting for me. What it looked like, when -- when She was trying to problem-solve."
And Yuliana sighs, turning her face into Elisa's shoulder. "But it's just a burden on other people," she says, bitterly. "You know, I -- I thought one of those wretched girls She wanted might have wanted to know, she even said she was researching our realm, but she didn't know anything, Elya! She said I was like Sharochka -- as if I were just a vain shadow of her attention! And when I shared that with her -- and it wasn't easy, but she kept saying I should keep reaching out and all that nonsense -- she leapt up like I'd struck her and pinned herself to the wall and wailed about why I'd show her such a thing!"
Naturally, she neglects to mention the way she gave Nova no warning.
Tears spring to her eyes, as she insists: "There's no point. They only care about how my pain hurts them."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa sits, and supports Yuliana with strong arms. She listens, to what she thought. To what she doesn't know. Elisa's arms wrap around Yuliana, too, as she looks at her.
It was bad, Yuliana thought. She nods, listening. And a burden...
"Ridiculous," Elisa says. "If she wishes to understand the Void, she must understand such pain. ...Foolish, vain girls. Of course they say to 'reach out', until it is difficult for them."
Elisa wouldn't care about that. This is not about Nova.
"There is much a silly child does not know. But..." She considers. "Is it all of them?" she wonders. "You have seemed to benefit, from the care of Dr. Yumi and the others. Is it just this girl's foolishness?"
"You are always welcome to return here... But it seemed important to you, to try this. Has that changed?"
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
And Yuliana hides in her wife's strong embrace, nestling in against her, needy and vulnerable and weak. And she doesn't think of how strange it is -- that she can be so bombastic out there, and so fragile here.
It's a learned type of helplessness, as she looks up to her wife with those wounded eyes. "They can't take it," she whines, effortlessly generalising one response to the whole, "and they blame me."
But Elisa calls her back to the specifics, to the actions of one girl, and Yuliana glances away. "I don't know..." She mumbles, pouting. "You know, when Atrytone ripped her miracle engine from her machine's heart and threw it at us, and Teletha and her Toy Box declared they'd take stewardship of it, you know what Sayaka said? She said she was more than happy to have studying another mysterious technology off her load!" And at once the reason why Yuliana was feeling so easily rejected, when Nova found her, is brought into context.
She never mentioned it.
There's a reason they were employing a therapy with her normally used with children -- and it's entirely because Yuliana struggles to give voice to her situation.
"I'm a burden," she says, tears welling in her eyes. "I weigh on her. It's too much trouble!" And her throat hitches in a whimper, as she buries her face against her wife. It's only long moments later that she sniffles, "... I mean, I guess I never asked her about it or anything... but it's obvious I'm not really wanted! Not really! It's just an obligation to stop me from doing things she doesn't like, isn't it?! I--!!"
Yuliana, horrifically sensitive to rejection, finds it so easy to decide that what was good is entirely bad.
... but would she be feeling so badly if she hadn't had such a bad interaction before she left?
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa does call back to specifics, and Yuliana resists that. It would be easy, to do away with this charade, to call her home and encourage her not to worry about these people. And yet...
"Hmm. I see."
A burden, she says. Yuliana buries against Elisa, and Elisa strokes her hair. "Is it?" she wonders.
"Perhaps. Or perhaps she does not wish to add to her plate when it is full of something more important," Elisa offers as a counterpoint. "Of course she would not wish to take on another mysterious technology, not when the most important thing is under her care. You, my darling, deserve far more than to be a second priority."
"...Of course," she says, "If it turns out that they are merely helping you for their own selfish ends, then we can always retaliate later, after making use of what they can give to us."
"So take heart, my love. I think it is not yet time to abandon the process..."
"But if it becomes that time, I assure you, you will have what vengeance is just."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
It would be devastatingly easy -- perhaps even reassuringly easy -- to convince Yuliana not to worry about those people. For all that Yuliana has leant on outside forces, lately, they have not crept far enough into her heart to fully poison her.
(Although... Yuliana did tell Atrytone to leave Leina alone, during that fight. And the reason she wanted to sortie in the first place was to repay Sayaka...)
Yuliana murmurs wordless appreciation, as Elisa's fingers soothe through her hair. She sinks into her wife, heavy as a stone and just as boneless, slaking her eternal thirst on Elisa's comforts. "Mm..." She hums, turning her cheek just far enough to peek up at the other green-eyed monster present, as Elisa presents a second interpretation.
And she nods, against her, when Elisa assures her that any betrayal would be surely punished. If it really is as bad as it feels... her wife won't let them get away with it. They'll make them pay.
But...
"I guess... I don't want to think she'd be so cruel to me," Yuliana ventures, at length. "It's not like she's done anything to hurt me while I'm there... and I guess she didn't have to help me, either. Since she chose to do it, isn't it only natural she'd want to do it properly? I guess that explains why she wouldn't want to be distracted..."
Yuliana breathes out, softly, and smiles to her wife through her teary eyes. "And I know you won't let anyone hurt me, zhenushka," she says, warm. "You've always protected me..." If they hurt her, Elisa will be the first one to back her up. She knows that better than anything.
But speaking of Elisa's protection reminds her of the Empress's protection, and a more troubled expression crosses Yuliana's face, interrupting her reverie.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
But the reason that Elisa was inclined to go along with this in the first place is that there are things her own power cannot do. Things that she must find alternate solutions towards. And she is still seeking those powers...
In the meantime, it is good to make use of others.
She looks down to Yuliana, to meet her eyes. And there...
"Then do not think it," Elisa says simply. She does not want to; why should she? "Indeed," Elisa says. "There are many explanations."
But she smiles, despite those tears, and reaches up to wipe them away with her hand. "I will protect you," she assures her. "But..."
She considers. "What troubles you?"
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
And Yuliana both hears and absorbs the way Elisa frames it as making use of others.
"Yes," she murmurs, when Elisa presents her with a simple solution. There are ways Sayaka may explain herself, to her, and it is a comfort.
So too the way Elisa wipes her tears away; Yuliana blinks, under her care, and her smile widens. Her wife is taking care of her...!
If only she could save her from the troubles of the Empress; it would solve so many problems, if Elisa could solve this. Yuliana reaches up, with a hand, to gently touch her wife's cheek. "I -- I told you of Sharochka's involvement, yes?" She asks, delicately. "That other type of Green Fold..."
Yuliana sighs, her fingers dropping to curl at the crook of Elisa's neck. "I did take audience with the Empress, a few days later," she explains, her gaze veiling as she droops. "She said... She said She was keeping me safe, when She..."
And finally, Yuliana's gaze drops, glancing down to settle on Elisa's tattoo instead. (It's still lovely.) "She enforced Her will," Yuliana says, "and compelled me to destroy the quartz. Though, I suppose it was surely just a message... because She destroyed that crystal, too. If She'd not acted on both it and I, surely the shards would have gotten lodged in my palm..."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
It would solve many problems... But indeed. "Yes," Elisa says, of her involvement. Of Shari's involvement. The other type...
"...Yes," Elisa says. "You mentioned."
Keeping Yuliana safe... And she enforced Her will. Elisa frowns, at this. It is a surprise--to know that She can exert her will in this way is not. To know that She can do so through such a connection is notable. That She would, is something that she notes.
"...And they did not. She protects you, though She does not understand always your needs, in this world. ...Shari's technology could become a danger. I do not say that we should oppose her in living her own life--but I recommend that you distance yourself from her."
"...We shall let her be. But we shall not let her interfere. That would only bring the wrath of the Empress upon her."
"It is a reminder, that while we must act to ensure your safety in this realm, that She is not the enemy. We must moderate her influence, not repudiate it."
"...But it must have been stressful, to act not of your own will. Release that stress to me. Share it with me. And we shall bear it."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
It's the first time She has acted through Yuliana so blatantly -- but hardly the first time She has imposed Her will on Her wife.
Elisa may remember, though Yuliana does not, the first time she met Shari.
"Yes..." Yuliana murmurs, when Elisa issues her recommendations. It all makes sense; she can find nothing to argue with, in her wife's concerns. (Is She not her enemy, when She mangles her body so readily to suit Her needs? ... well, the evidence is gone, and Elisa wouldn't lie to her.)
And it's that little knot of tension, in her brow and her mind behind it, which surely clues Elisa into the stress she brings into the light of their window. "Elya," she whines, her lip wobbling anew, "it was awful! I was just -- I was just looking at it, and, and I realised I didn't know where Sharochka was any more, there were no more tattered edges, she was just a person and I was just a person and it was quiet and then--!!"
She chokes on a miserable noise, hiding her face against Elisa's shoulder again. "I destroyed it," she says, after a moment. "I was made to destroy it. My hand was just -- a tool for Her to use to enact Her will on this world. I'm just -- I didn't want to do it, Elya! I didn't intend to at all! But I did it, I saw myself do it, and how can I trust a thing about myself if everything about myself is at Her mercy?!" Yuliana is upset over being controlled; of course she would be, with her terrible history in the REA.
Elisa and her recommendations are far more considerate of her feelings.
Yuliana's shoulders shake, as she clutches herself to her wife. "She said -- She said that rock would hurt me, but -- I don't understand, Elya. I don't understand," she repeats herself, plaintive.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa remembers.
But indeed; if she were to make Her the enemy, what would Yuliana be made to do? No, it is better not to walk that road. Elisa will simply find a way to moderate Her, in time, to bring her wisdom to temper the vast malice of her own Will. In time.
"I see..."
"You are not this. If you were only a tool, then She would enact Her will through you all of the time--would live through you, would explore this world through you. But She does not."
"...No, She must have seen something vital, something dangerous, to protect you in such a blatant and forceful manner. We should keep you far away from this... other kind of stone. For if indeed She saw harm in it, it must be a subtle and strange harm. Something that neither of us sees as yet."
She holds Yuliana. "Come then. We shall find better ways."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana is frightened enough as it is, without having to fight her own Wife.
But Elisa explains that she isn't merely a tool, and Yuliana frowns, humming wordlessly as she listens. "Sharochka said... it was 'Untreated' Green Fold," Yuliana says, safe in her wife's arms. "Before you tailor it for our use, it's... different. It didn't feel like it was hurting me, but... I had to look at Sharochka, to find her," she works through it, slowly. "So... my powers... she said the crystal was absorptive, so it must have been draining them away. Though... I don't know why that hurt me, when your Green Fold can absorb me in a way that amplifies my self... but maybe that's it?"
Yuliana glances away, though, as she frowns, and she thinks.
"... but... Elya, you say She does not live through me, but She is always watching me. Does She not see this world best with my path through it? If not for me, Her words would not reach us. It's true that She's never forced me to act like that before, but aren't I... affected?" It must be troubling her, if she struggles to accept Elisa's obvious logic. And she tells Elisa it all, up to and including, "I'm troubled..."
How fortunate that she can share all these feelings with her wife, instead of having to ask someone who knows so much less about their needs.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Shari said... untreated. Yes. "Hmm... There are many secrets to the Green Fold Quartz," she says. "Would that she had stayed to show me more of them. But no, she has left, and we shall let her be..." For now, at least. Elisa may have to revise this decision, in light of such things.
"I do not think it is something so simple as that," Elisa says. "Though with your engineering knowledge, you would likely penetrate the mystery soon enough. ...I must ask that you refrain, until we can deal with other dangers--one at a time, is my preference."
But... Hmmm. "You are affected," Elisa agrees. "That is certainly true." She squeezes Yuliana lightly. She is troubled...
"It is well that you came to me with this," she says. "I shall bear these troubles with you, and we shall look for our own answers. Yes?"
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"It would be dangerous for her, if we involved her anew," Yuliana agrees, and says it as if it's her own position, despite Elisa saying it not minutes prior. "We'd best keep our distance."
But Elisa asks her to refrain from solving this mystery, and Yuliana offers her wife a small smile, as she nods. "I will do this for you, zhenushka, and focus on my own health." Because, of course, the Empress's demands on her all come down to her safety, in this world.
She hums, expression gentling, when Elisa squeezes her so reassuringly. She recognises Yuliana's situation, and Elisa's understanding soothes her, even through all her troubles. She has always just wished to be seen -- and her wife, at least, sees her.
"Yes," she breathes, nestling into Elisa's arms. "We'll figure it out, together... I know we will, Elya. I'm so grateful..."