2023-12-31: There is Always Hope

• Cutscene: There is Always Hope
• Cast: Shinji Ikari, Kaworu Nagisa
• Where: Ra Mari II, Magallanica
• Date: December 31, UC 0097 (2023)
• Summary: On the eve of the new year, while the crew of the Ra Mari II celebrate the holiday, Shinji receives a surprise guest.

---

The lively chorus of partygoers, dance music blaring on a music system, and the hot, savory smells of party foods wafted through the air from a room or two away. Shinji had spent a long day in the kitchen helping prep for the Ra Mari II's New Year's Eve party, and he was welcome to join it, but he'd chosen to hang out in its vicinity instead. The main room was filled with people, and even in the lounge room, people came and went for a quieter atmosphere. Shinji didn't mind them so much.

He had a plate of food, mostly eaten, on the coffee table in front of him; his Haro, Bud, rested on the arm of the couch he sat on. The news was on, and Shinji was watching it, as he'd been doing lately. This piece was about how the King of Ruin had vanished from Jupiter a couple weeks back and the Gutsy Galaxy Guard's Division Train was expected back by today. It was a rerun of the news, technically; if they'd gotten back safely, they should've done so already, supposedly. Shinji wasn't entirely sure.

He leaned his head on the back of the couch and stared at the ceiling for a bit. He'd started--but hadn't finished--Rei's copy of The Happy Prince and Other Tales, after a strange dream he'd had the night of the battle against Goragon. Mari probably wouldn't mind. Knowing her, she'd tease him but tell him to take it at his own pace. Still, it made Shinji feel guilty that he hadn't actually fulfilled his promise to her yet. But then, he didn't know if she'd fulfilled hers, either.

He hoped she had. Kaworu would be coming back too... if everything had gone well. There was no guarantee at any time that anything would ever go well. He tugged at his throat, not quite on his black-and-white moon hoodie's zipper. It had been a present from Kaworu when he'd come back from a business trip to the Moon. Rei had gone with him too, back then. But now...

"Shinji, you there? Shinji, you there?" Bud chirped, their winglets flapping into his side.

Shinji didn't quite smile, but he did rest a hand on their head, where his squishy Osanshoo-san phone laid. "Yeah, I'm here. I'm just... thinking."

Bud's winglets flapped more vigorously. Cheerfully, they chirped, "I'm here too! I'm here too!"

"Yeah..."

A weight at his side made him wince. A couple of crewmates had sat on the couch next to him, chatting between themselves. He vaguely recognized them--he'd seen them around, though he didn't know their names--but Shinji got to his feet and scooted away, picking Bud up as he went.

One of them leaned over, grinning toothily. He had a shock of bleach-blond hair and a half-undone pilot's uniform, while the other had shaggy dark hair and a serious expression. Shinji recognized him from that unfortunate day in the Orb Union when that witch had happened. What was his name again? Ryuji? Ryuto? Something like that.

"Hey, where you running off to, kid? C'mon and hang out! We don't bite! Much!" the first man said, waving him over.

The second man elbowed him. "Hey, cut it out."

Shinji plastered on a polite smile as he waved his free hand. "N-no thanks... I was just thinking I needed to get some fresh air, anyway..."

And he fled before either of them could protest. Neither of them followed, at least.

He didn't have anywhere else go to except the party proper--way too loud for him--or his dorm room--he wasn't ready to turn in just yet--so he ended up doing as he said and went to the deck for air as fresh as a colony like Magallanica could offer. He wandered to the edge of the railing, set Bud down, and leaned to look over. It was a long way down.

Even that didn't get his heart racing, though. He'd gotten used to tall views a long time ago.

...Strange. It didn't shred at his soul as much anymore, thinking about his days as an Evangelion pilot. It'd already been two months since Asuka and Rei had... Shinji swallowed hard, squeezing his eyes shut. Oh, no, there it was. He took a deep breath, two, three; then he buried his face in one hand. At least he wasn't breaking out into tears, but it still hurt to think about them. That dream he'd had lately had Rei in it, and at the time, it'd been so soothing. But a dream was just a dream, even one that apparently had swam among Infinity. He didn't really remember it anyway. He just had the impression that Rei had been there.

Kaworu had been there too, he was pretty sure. Kaworu should be getting back from Jupiter, along with Mari. Shinji rubbed his face and looked up at the artificial night sky.

"Kaworu-kun... where are you now...?" he murmured.

"I'm right here."

An achingly familiar voice sounded at his back. Shinji's back stiffened, and he whirled around with eyes wide. Sure enough, several yards away, there stood Kaworu in his dark plug suit, a pale windbreaker, and Shinji's abandoned SDAT, the one he'd thrown away the day he left Tokyo-3.

That didn't matter, though. What mattered was that Kaworu's smile was as warm and all-encompassing as it had ever been, and just seeing it eased his battered soul.

"Kaworu-kun!" Shinji cried, leaping away from the railing and racing across the deck. He skidded to a stop just in front of him, nearly crashing into him. Kaworu only lifted his hands from his windbreaker pockets to catch him, though, and Shinji clutched him back. Once upon a time, he'd have cringed away from that touch, but after all the time they'd spent together, Kaworu was the one person Shinji trusted with his whole heart not to hurt him. He lifted his head to look up at him, and Kaworu looked back.

To see and be seen. Shinji broke into a broad smile, the biggest he'd smiled in two months.

"...You're back," he whispered unnecessarily.

But Kaworu didn't mind that. His own smile only broadened as his eyes momentarily shut. "I am."

"I'm glad," Shinji said, feeling his face heat. "I didn't know if I'd ever see you again."

"You don't need to worry about that," Kaworu reassured him, gaze meeting his once more. "We will always meet again."

It was such a Kaworu thing to say, Shinji couldn't speak for a moment. When that moment passed, it occurred to him that they were still holding each other. His pulse skipped a beat or two, and he eased back as he coughed into a fist. Kaworu let him go and tucked his hands back into his pockets.

"...So, how did it go at Jupiter?" he wondered.

"We won."

That much was obvious, but Shinji accepted the answer for what it was. "Is Makinami-san...?"

"She's well. There are those who were on the Division Train who no longer are, but your friends are all safe."

Shinji let out a low, slow breath of relief. "...That's good." Well, it wasn't good that people weren't well, but Shinji knew it was a dangerous mission. If people had to die, at least it wasn't anyone he knew personally. ...even if he hated thinking like that.

Sobering, his gaze dropped to Kaworu's breast pocket, where his old SDAT was clipped. He'd thrown it out--but Mari had approached him just as he'd been walking away from the public trash can. "Did Makinami-san give that to you?"

"Yes."

He breathed out a long, quiet breath. He wasn't happy to see it again, but to Kaworu, it had to be something he associated with him rather than his father. If it was going to be salvaged, it made him happy to know that a piece of him was with Kaworu always. And if it was because of Mari-- "I thought so... So she kept her promise."

"Hm?"

"Nothing, never mind," he added hastily. He turned away and walked back to the railing. Kaworu followed and joined him, and together, they watched over Magallanica's festive twinkling lights. At their feet, Bud rolled over carefully to turn their eyelights up at Kaworu; Kaworu regarded them back with a smile.

"Hello! I'm Bud! Hello! I'm Bud!" the Haro chirped.

"Hello, Bud. I'm Kaworu. Kaworu Nagisa," he replied, like it was totally normal.

"That's my new Haro," Shinji said. "Banagher helped make them for me."

"Did he? That was very kind of him. I expect he's done his best to make you feel welcome."

"Yeah... Everyone here has. From him to Eight-san to Rena-san and even that Nova girl... Everyone on this ship is a really good person. They keep putting up with me even when I can't get out of bed to face anyone." Shinji's eyes lidded, thinking of the news about the Nagoya Massacre. How it had snapped his last frayed nerve and he'd shut himself in his room, despite Eight's gentle urging otherwise, for a couple of weeks before that dream finally mended his soul enough for him to handle facing the world. "I'm sure if Asuka were around, she'd come storming in and yell at me to stop being such a wimp..." He sucked in a breath as a lump formed in his chest. It wasn't just him who'd lost someone. Kaworu, too... He pivoted on his feet to face him with a desperate grimace and blurted out, "Kaworu-kun, I'm sorry."

But Kaworu only gave him a mildly puzzled smile. "For what?"

For an instant, Shinji wondered in horror if no one had told him about what happened with the Twelfth Angel. They wouldn't do that, right? Akane had been there, and Rikka, and Guy, and so many other people who'd also gone off to Jupiter. There was no way none of them had told Kaworu what had happened--right?

"About Ayanami," he choked out. "She's dead--because of me. You lost the girl you loved. Because of me."

Kaworu's gaze softened. "She isn't dead."

"Wh--what?"

"Rei Ayanami still lives. It will be some time before I can see her again, but... even so." He gazed out at the city. "The Second lives, too, though she hasn't yet fully recovered."

"Are you serious? They're alive? Both of them?" Shinji squeaked--but that was a moot question. Kaworu sometimes had to hide things because of his job, but he never, ever lied.

And so, like a blessing from on high: "Yes."

This time, Shinji couldn't stop tears from spilling down his cheeks. He rubbed at them with the back of his arm ineffectually. "I'm so glad," he choked out. "I'm so glad..."

He felt Kaworu step closer--felt him rest a tentative hand on his back. Shinji leaned into the comfort he offered and sobbed.

Some time later, he finally pulled away. He might have stayed there for a while longer, but Bud was very gently bumping into his ankle like they sometimes did when he was in some emotional spiral or another. This was different, but... even so, he wiped his face and picked up his blue Haro with its O-sanshoo-san 'hat.' He stared down at it, the warmth from Kaworu's body lingering in his cheeks. Right... he'd wanted to talk to Kaworu about them. That was the last thing they'd talked about before--everything happened. But to ask Kaworu now if he had special feelings for him, if he like-liked him--it felt hopelessly arrogant.

But...

"Um," he mumbled. "Wh-why don't we go somewhere else to talk? I have a room here, so we can have some privacy..."

"All right," Kaworu said.

So Shinji guided him below deck, down to the residential area of the Ra Mari II, over to the dorm block where he still lived on his own, despite there being three individual dorms per block. Shinji gestured to the bathroom across the hall and the living quarters next to them; Kaworu looked their way, but only entered Shinji's room, probably because that was the only room Shinji entered.

Inside, of course, was Shinji's bed and desk, and the tiny closet, and the meager shelving, and his few belongings. One could take it all in with a single glance, which Shinji was sure Kaworu did. He sat on the bed so Kaworu could sit on the single desk chair.

"What do you think?" he wondered for lack of anything else to say.

"It reminds me of my old apartment," Kaworu replied.

"What? You mean at the onsen hotel?"

"No, the one before that."

And for a moment, Shinji fell silent. He'd been there once or twice. That room had been incredibly tiny. He remembered thinking that it was too cramped for someone to live in. The Manyoso had also been terrible, but even that had been a step up for Kaworu and Rei both by comparison. And this room... reminded him of that?

"I've brought your things," Kaworu added. "Col. Katsuragi said she's been meaning to send them to you for some time, and when I mentioned to her I was going to see you, she asked me to deliver them. Tohji Suzuhara and Kensuke Aida assisted."

Shinji sat up straight. "Tohji and Kensuke are here?"

"Yes. They're taking a look around Magallanica as we speak. They can come in to deliver your things anytime you please."

Again, Shinji's face heated. Misato had been thinking of him... Tohji and Kensuke had been thinking of him. They'd brought his things to him... like he had on his fifteenth birthday. Like Kaworu had with Rei and Mari... and Asuka. His eyes lidded.

"I... I don't know if I should," he mumbled, scrunching down as he clutched Bud close. "See them. I mean. They tried to call me a bunch of times, and I just left without saying a word to them. And this room's so small--I don't think there's even space for my old stuff anyway... Maybe I should just throw it all out."

"Even your cello?"

Shinji looked over at Kaworu. His smile had faded for furrowed eyebrows, for a glimmer of what looked like Shinji like disappointment. Maybe like fear. He'd wanted so long for them to play together--it had been what had let them make up after Kaworu had nearly been assassinated--and Shinji was just... casually talking about throwing that bond away.

"M-maybe not that," he stammered, looking away. "Maybe I'll keep just that. There's just enough room in here for a cello."

"I see."

And Kaworu still looked sad, but he smiled again anyway. Shinji hated that. Shinji hated feeling like he was the one making Kaworu sad--that Kaworu was always having to comfort him, even when he had pain and grief of his own that he refused to ever let anyone else see. That, over and over again, Kaworu was sacrificing his own happiness for Shinji's. He grit his teeth, squeezing Bud tight.

How was he supposed to change that? How was he supposed to make Kaworu think about himself, when Shinji was still too pathetic to live life without making someone else worry? Misato, Calibur, Eight, everyone on the Ra Mari II... His shoulders sagged as he hung his head. But not his father. If he'd spared even a single thought for Shinji since he'd left, Shinji might just keel over and die from the shock.

"What about the Evangelions?" he wondered quietly, thoughts tracing forward from there. "Now that you and Makinami-san are back, I guess... you don't have to pilot them anymore?" A new worry bubbled up in his heart, and he managed to make himself look up. "If Ayanami and Asuka are alive... does that mean they're out of a job?"

That should be a good thing. They were better off quitting NERV. But Rei had said piloting an Eva was her bond with the world, and Asuka took so much pride in it. But for them to live through fighting the Twelfth Angel, only to be told they wouldn't be needed anymore... Shinji didn't want them to suffer that pain, either.

But Kaworu shook his head. "Officially, Mary and I are being retained as back-up pilots in case of emergency. Privately, though, the Dummy System is untenable. It cannot actually replace living, thinking pilots. Unit-01 won't reactivate with it anymore."

"It won't?" Shinji uttered, taken aback. "Wait, is it okay for you to tell me this? Isn't that confidential?"

Kaworu breathed a faint laughed as his smile made his eyes squint shut. "Probably."

And for all his frustration, Shinji found he couldn't help but laugh with him. Was it weird of him to be glad that Unit-01 had rejected that horrible system? At the least, he couldn't help but think it served his father right. It almost felt like Unit-01 was on his side--like Father had betrayed it just as much as he had him. Like it was the two of them against him.

...which was a stupid thought. It didn't matter. He wasn't ever going to pilot it again, anyway.

"So then, Asuka and Ayanami..." he prompted.

"They won't be piloting at all for now. I imagine they'll both remain in the hospital for a long while yet."

"I see..." Shinji almost asked what Evas they'd pilot--Unit-02 was still around, but Unit-00 had self-destructed--but he held himself back. Kaworu almost definitely wasn't supposed to be telling him this, but he was telling him anyway, no doubt to reassure him about their friends. He didn't want to get him into more trouble than he had to. "Well, at least Makinami-san enjoys piloting. I'm sure she's happy about it," he said instead. "But Kaworu-kun, you..."

When he trailed off, Kaworu replied, "I also enjoy piloting. I'd enjoy it more if you were there, but I told you before: I'm here as a reserve pilot. If piloting the Evangelion is too much for you, I'll ease your burden and take it upon myself."

"Kaworu-kun..." He ducked his head. That had been one of their earliest conversations. Back then, he'd asked Kaworu to pilot Unit-00 instead, to take that burden from Rei. Now... "I'm sorry."

His smile was easier this time as he shut his eyes. "You don't need to apologize. I was always prepared to do this for you."

For some reason, Shinji's heart skipped a beat. No, not 'for some reason'--once again, he was reminded of his last conversation with Akane, about how she'd acknowledged that Kaworu was particularly dedicated to him, that maybe Alexis Kerib hadn't been totally full of it when he'd said that Kaworu didn't care about anyone but him. Back then, Akane had compared him and Kaworu to herself and Rikka... Even Shinji couldn't help but see what she'd been implying.

I was always prepared to do this for you. How else was Shinji supposed to take that?

"A-about Ayanami," he stammered. "You must be really happy that she's okay. You love her, after all... I'm sure it isn't the same with Gridman gone, but you'll get to be together again soon. A-and I'm sure Gridman will be back eventually, and when that happens, you can all go back to dating!"

Melancholy seeped into the corners of his eyes. "No."

"Huh?"

"Gridman and I cared for one another, but ours was always a temporary romance. Fun rather than fate. Fate has called him back to his duties, and so I have returned to my fate as well."

"...In other words, you broke up?"

"Yes."

That made sense. Who knew if or when Gridman would be back. It was just like Kaworu to say nothing about it, too. Going to see Yuta afterwards, then... that must have hurt especially hard. Especially with what Yuta actually said. Shinji grimaced and ducked his head. "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"It's okay. I didn't tell you."

"But there's still Ayanami," he added desperately. Let Kaworu still be happy in some way. If Rei was still alive--

"No."

"What...?"

Kaworu's gaze lowered as his smile faded. "She... needs time to be on her own now." That smile returned, but ruefully, as he met his eyes anew. "Much like you."

"Kaworu-kun... So that means you're breaking up with her too?"

"I suppose. For now."

"Why? She'll need you more than ever now!"

"Then when she's capable of taking visitors, will you see Asuka Shikinami Langley again?"

It was a reasonable question, but it still blindsided Shinji. He flinched and lowered his gaze. "...I don't know. I want to, but... I failed her. I didn't save her. Plus I quit NERV and left town." (Technically he'd been fired, but this was one thing Shinji would claim ownership of.) "She'd probably be mad at me."

"Do you think so?"

"Yeah, I mean--" He averted his eyes in shame. "I ran away like a coward, and she hates cowards."

"Looking at it another way, you stood up for your beliefs under overwhelming pressure to do otherwise. You're probably right that she'll be angry you didn't fight, but I don't think you were cowardly."

Shinji said nothing, but his heart skipped a beat. Kaworu was always so nice to him--always believed in him and thought the best of him. Was Akane right after all...?

"I'll let you know when she can see others outside of NERV," he continued gently. "The two of you can decide your future together from there."

"Kaworu-kun... Thank you. You really are an unbelievable friend."

"You're my best friend, too."

That hadn't quite been what Shinji had said, but he smiled back anyway, feeling his cheeks heat. Just talking to him made him feel calmer--like there was hope for the future after all.

"...You know, a few weeks ago, I had a strange dream," he said abruptly.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. It was the night Dr. Hell tried to use Infinity to rewrite the world."

"Infinity...?"

"Haven't you heard about it? Well, a lot of stuff's happened while you guys were gone, so I don't blame you..." Shinji shook his head. "Some of that stuff that happened really got to me. For a while earlier this month, I could barely even leave my room. But then that happened, and I had this dream. I don't actually remember what happened, but Ayanami was in it... and I think you were in it, too. Until then, everything was too overwhelming for me to handle, but after that, it felt like... maybe things would turn out all right after all. Like, things have been bad before, and they're bad now, and they'll be bad again in the future, but they've also been good, and they'll be good again too. It made me feel like I could get out of bed and keep living after all."

Kaworu had watched him with slightly widened eyes. At the conclusion of Shinji's story, they settled and his smile warmed. "I see... I'm glad to hear it."

Shinji mirrored him. After a moment, he let his gaze drift to the ceiling. "After this, you're going back to Tokyo-3 again, right? Will I see you again...?"

"Anytime you desire, I'll come to visit."

He laughed a little. "That'll be all the time."

"Then I'll come visit all the time."

From anyone else, it would sound like a joke, but coming from Kaworu, Shinji knew it was completely serious. He thought back to the end of their last conversation in the NERV detention cell, about how he wanted to talk about the two of them... but it was all right to leave it for another time, right? To make sure they had more things to talk about next time--to keep making sure there was a future for the two of them?

"Maybe I should see Tohji and Kensuke after all," he offered to the hope Kaworu brought him. "You guys all came all this way to bring me my things. I don't have space right now, but I can probably get more. And it'll be easier for all of you to visit that way, too."

Kaworu rose from his chair. "Then I'll go bring them here."

"Okay."

He watched him go until the door shut behind him. Then he turned to Bud and reached down to make a call through them and the O-sanshoo-san.

"Hello, Eight-san?" Shinji said when it connected. "About the full suite you said you could prepare for me... Can I still do that?"