2023-12-11: The Family I Never Had
- Log: The Family I Never Had
- Cast: Naoko Suzuki, Eight Orlodhari
- Where: Apartment building rooftop, Magallanica
- OOC - IC Date: 0097-12-11
- Summary: Naoko confronts her fears (and tears), finally confessing to Eight the reason why she'd been avoiding her. Then, when Eight proves to be understanding, Naoko immediately pivots to asking for a favor. Efficiency!
<Pose Tracker> Naoko Suzuki has posed.
Naoko Suzuki has requested a meeting with Eight, going through official channels even. Sort of. Of all people, she asked Tempo Astelian if he could arrange for her to meet Eight in private, away from everybody else.
She... presumably knows a communications officer isn't the same thing as a secretary. There's probably another reason why she chose to go about it in this way. But whatever the case may be... it's clear enough that whatever she has to talk to Eight about is something serious enough that she didn't feel comfortable to just ask directly. And she doesn't want anyone else overhearing.
The rooftop of Eight's apartment building is... not quite what she was picturing, but it should do fine, as long as indeed no one else is there at the time. It's a relief, in other ways. She felt bad enough about imposing on Eight to go somewhere on her account. Especially now. And after she's been so distant, too, making no effort to visit Eight these past few months. Or, more accurately... making an effort not to.
Naoko makes sure to arrive early, so she'll be the first one there. A tactical decision. This way, Eight will be between her and the exit, making it harder to run away. An impulse which is very strongly present as she looks out over the view of Magallanica's residential district. She told her friends not to intervene, no matter what happens. If she doesn't say what she has to say in her own words, without outside influence, then there won't be any point. She stands by that decision, but it doesn't do anything to calm her nerves.
It would be difficult for most to gauge too much from the girl when viewed from behind, other than the tenseness with which she clutches the railing. But her turbulent emotions betray her expectations: she believes that this will be an unpleasant conversation, and has gotten a head start on blaming herself for it. It's fair. Since it is, after all, entirely her own fault that it's ended up this way.
<Pose Tracker> Eight Orlodhari has posed.
There's only so much Eight can do for total privacy at the moment; she doesn't have the keys to the apartments a few doors down, 'another room in her apartment' seems insufficient, and she doesn't have the many meeting rooms of her ship.
These tactical decisions may end up necessary, though. As it happens she's still in regular contact with Tempo...
So Eight approaches from the entry to the roof. The door opens, and there she is. In civilian attire, of course.
Out in the district, there's a lot of construction happening, much like in most of Magallanica. There are still many things to add, many things to repair...
But maybe something to repair here, too.
"Hey," Eight says. "...Naoko."
She can feel the tension. And admittedly it's not all one-sided; she's noticed Naoko avoiding her.
"What's on your mind?" She starts to walk over.
<Pose Tracker> Naoko Suzuki has posed.
Naoko's grip on the railing tightens briefly, upon the door opening. It tightens more definitively, upon hearing her name being spoken. The correct name to use, for matters such as this.
There's no immediate response to the obvious question. A short moment after, there's only the tell-tale sniff, of someone who is trying very hard not to cry. Then, a deep breath. In, and out. She does not turn around, continuing to stare out into the distance, at nothing in particular. Until finally, she begins to speak, in a soft voice, matching the way she feels - barely holding herself together.
"...I thought I'd get over it with time. That it would become at least a little easier to accept. But it didn't."
She closes her eyes, falling silent for a time, head lowering slightly. "...I feel so bad about it now," she says almost in a whisper, before opening her eyes and raising her volume a little. "It was none of my business. It was completely unfair of me. I don't... really want to say what I thought, back then. But I have to. Even if you'll hate me for it. So, let me just say this, before anything else."
She finally turns to face Eight. She tried, but she couldn't keep the burgeoning tears from showing in her eyes. She quickly hides this, by meaning of a bow.
"Thank you for everything, and I'm sorry. If you'd rather not respond to what I have to say, that's fine. Just... tell me to leave, and I'll leave. You won't have to see me again."
She managed to say it with relative calm, but her emotions are plain: she meant every word she said, and this distresses her to the highest degree. She is absolutely convinced this is last conversation they'll ever have, that after this she'll no longer be welcome. And she's reached the point where she isn't sure if staying or leaving would be more miserable. She doesn't want to go. But if she has to... it would be easier if she was sent away, for what feels to her like the right reasons.
...And yet, she still has yet to say a single word about what this actually about. Because she also meant those words. She really, really doesn't want to say what's been on her mind out loud. Everything about this is absolutely miserable.
<Pose Tracker> Eight Orlodhari has posed.
Eight watches Naoko. She's clearly having a difficult time, and that naturally impels the Captain to sympathy; she doesn't like seeing this cheerful girl in such dire straits. But what she's saying...
Hm.
"All right," Eight says. "...I'll hear you out."
She steps closer, and notices those tears, and the bow. The relative calm, but...
Hm.
"I'm not going to stop you from sharing your honest feelings," Eight says. "I'd rather hear them, even if I don't like them."
"I want to hear it. Especially now."
"Unfair or not."
<Pose Tracker> Naoko Suzuki has posed.
It's no different than Naoko expected. Eight is that kind of person, the kind who'd rather face things head-on rather than run away from them. Her complete opposite. In matters such as this, at least. Matters of the heart.
Normally, she'd expect sympathy too. But this time, she doesn't deserve it. Because she's done Eight a great wrong. It took her this long to realize just how great of a wrong.
"...In that case... I ask only that you let me finish, before you say anything."
Naoko wipes her eyes on her sleeve, before straightening. She's still not ready. She'll never be ready. But if she has to, then... at least summarizing it is simple.
"I thought you... made a mistake." Simple, but... not easy. There isn't an easy way to say this. She just has to say it. "I thought... I thought it was irresponsible. For someone in your position to have children."
It hurts, saying it out loud. She didn't think she was wrong, at first. But now she does. And that's why she has to confess. And explain, as best she can.
"It's because... I kept seeing it. How hard it is for you to put aside your captain's duties. I just... I couldn't believe that you'd be able to prioritize your family over your crew, in the long run."
She can't look Eight in the eyes anymore, turning back to the cityscape. "I thought there was only one way this could end. With you returning to the captain's chair, leaving your children somewhere safe. Somewhere that's not a warship. That they'd be without their parents. ...Out of the way."
A different emotion bubbles up, at that point. Anger. Resentment. On a personal level. Because this is her own personal experience. All she could think about was that her own past, her own pain, would end up being repeated with Eight's children.
The reason for her avoidance should be perfectly clear, now. "...That's why I couldn't be near you. Why I couldn't have anything to do with... any of it. The best I could think of to do for you was to keep my mouth shut, and not put myself in situations where you'd be able to tell the way I felt about this."
She thought she was doing the right thing, or the best thing she could do, given the circumstances. But now... with the remorse, come the tears that she'd been holding back. "It's... i-it's because I thought that... people are selfish. That... that we only do things for others t-to feel good about ourselves. B-because we know... ...we know that... everyone who isn't useful is best discarded."
She can't hold back the sobs anymore. No amount of steeling herself and saying she wasn't going to cry would have prevented her from breaking down, in the end. "B-but... that w-was wrong! I-I was w-wrong!"
<Pose Tracker> Eight Orlodhari has posed.
That's Eight; she doesn't like to run away, in these matters or others. She's direct, when she can be. And this is a situation where she can be. Her blonde hair hangs loose; her red jacket shifts, as she rolls her shoulders, a little gesture that shows that she is a little tense herself.
"I'll do that," Eight answers, when Naoko asks her to let her finish.
When Eight hears that Naoko thought she made a mistake, she frowns, at first--but doesn't immediately answer. ...The frown turns to something more mixed, when Naoko goes into her reasoning. When she says what she expected.
Her expression is gentler in the face of that resentment. And she watches her tears. She has a hard time waiting. She has a hard time not saying something.
"Naoko," Eight says, softly. "...That's..."
She presses her lips together. She tries to think of what to say. ...She doesn't think of anything 'perfect'.
"It's true, I had a hard time putting those duties aside. And from a lot of perspectives it was irresponsible. How can I stop to have children when the world is in this state? Doesn't my crew need me?"
"...But I wanted to give my children the family that I never had. And I could never leave them alone that way."
"I wish you'd told me," she admits. "I've been hurt, by the way you've been avoiding me. It's... lonely, knowing that everyone is away without me."
"But no, you were wrong about that. I don't care how 'useful' my children are. They're my priority. I'm fighting for a better world for them, now, not just for myself."
She reaches out. "Naoko," she says, "It's all right."
"I don't have answers for everything. I decided to have kids now because... it's a dream of mine. A dream that I didn't want to put off until a forever-away 'peace' that I can't guarantee. Despite those issues."
She smiles. "And I'd give anything for them, now. I promise you... I won't neglect them for my duties."
"Come here," she says. "You're going to make me cry too, crying like that."
<Pose Tracker> Naoko Suzuki has posed.
It hurts, more than Naoko would be able to put into words. Her personal experience, mixed with her expectations, mixed with her 'solution' of avoiding problems as long as possible produced a toxic cocktail in her mind. This is exactly what she doesn't want for anybody else, this feeling of helplessness in the face of anything that produces strong emotions. It's easy in a world of black and white, where all she has to do is yell at villains for doing evil. But when she comes to feel negative emotions in regards to someone she views in such a positive light, she just doesn't have the first clue how to handle it. The result of neglect, of being forced to figure everything out all on her own.
There's more she wanted to say. A lot more. But she can't, in this state, and Eight is right to take the opportunity to respond. It gives her a moment to wipe her eyes, swallow, breathe. "I d-didn't... understand," she chokes out, still in the middle of this. Because there was no one able to correct her worldview for all those years. She only saw what she thought she understood of the way things worked, because that's what she was looking for. She didn't have an open mind about it possibly being different for others. Because that would force her to face that eternal question...
Why me?
Eight reaches out to Naoko. Tells her to come here. But while Naoko is ready to believe Eight when she says that things will be alright... she still can't manage to seek closeness on her own accord. She's been on her own too long to feel anything but apprehension. Self-sabotaging her wish for acceptance, as she so often does. At least the reassuring words have helped her calm down enough to respond again, even if the tears won't quite stop.
"...I just wanted my parents to be there," she admits, fully expecting Eight to have realized where this all came from. "I'm relieved, hearing about what's important to you. But please, no matter what, just... never give them cause to wonder why they were born. Don't, even in an unguarded moment, say anything that could make them believe they're nothing but a bother." As Naoko believed for most of her life, overhearing her parents saying things to that effect at the tender age of four.
She leans on the railing again, though it appears as if she needs the support slightly less than she did before. "...I've seen different Possibilities," she begins to explain, capital letter audible in the emphasis. "It made me realize that... it was stupid to be so narrow-minded. So much can change based on a small difference, or by complete coincidence. I shouldn't have assumed anything. Not about my parents... or about you."
Letting go, she stands straight in front of Eight, bowing low once more, emphasizing, "I'm still sorry, for everything I did... and didn't do." Rising back up, she averts her eyes. "I'll... try to do better. But I'm just not... good at this stuff." In case it wasn't obvious.
<Pose Tracker> Eight Orlodhari has posed.
She didn't understand, Naoko says, and Eight can see that. She can see that something changed, too--or she wouldn't be acting this way. She wouldn't be facing it. But she is.
Eight thinks about it, when Naoko can't quite reach out to her in turn. She holds that thought.
Yes, Eight realized it. "I promise," Eight assures Naoko. "They'll know how much I love them. ...You're not the only person to worry about exactly this. You're not the only one I've made this promise to. But I will keep it. They were born because I wanted them to be. Because I wanted to love them."
Eight looks--she hears the explanation. "I see..." Small differences, complete coincidences. "That's an experience that will change you," she says. "I'm glad... that you were able to realize that."
Naoko bows, but once she rises up, "I forgive you."
"...Just tell me next time, all right?" she says. "It's fine not to be good at it. I wasn't good at it, when I was younger. I couldn't handle feelings like this, do any of this... stuff. I was overwhelmed by everything."
"But if we face it with honesty, we can get through anything. I believe that."
She reaches out--for Naoko's hand, to give it a squeeze. A hug might be inappropriate, or too much for her, but...
"I'm sorry about your parents. You deserve better than that."
<Pose Tracker> Naoko Suzuki has posed.
"...Love," Naoko echoes the word, when Eight speaks of it. Even within that Possibility, she didn't really understand it very well. But she understands its importance better than she did before. It's still hard to imagine that people would feel it for her... which, she now realizes, is probably because she still can't convince herself that she deserves it. That need to feel useful, and not be a bother... it's been what mattered most for so long. If only she could figure out a way to placate her own perfectionism, that still feels like the best path toward self-improvement. Not too much at a time, so she won't be overwhelmed. Stay the course, for now... but try to keep open mind.
"Maybe, a little bit," is thus all she'll admit to, in regards to the experience having changed her. She wipes once more at her eyes. Finally, the tears have stopped. "I'm just... really, really glad it gave me the courage to tell you all this. I was so scared that it wouldn't be something you could forgive. I'm a really bad judge of what's forgivable to people, is another thing I'm realizing. I promise I won't stay quiet for so long anymore."
...So she might still stay quiet for a bit. She can't help it, she needs time to process things. Hopefully, she now has a better handle on when it stops processing and starts festering. "Good to know I'm not the only one. Could be hope for me yet." She can joke a little again, that's a good sign.
Before she full well realized it, her hand is given a squeeze. She wouldn't be able to say whether her guard was down, or she allowed that to happen. But it's clear enough by the way she tenses up that it was the right call to not hug her outright, if just this much is enough for her breath to skip. She's unsure how to respond to that, averting her eyes with a faint blush.
Words, those are easier. "...Thank you. But, maybe I misjudged them, too. I kind of just... really want to know what happened to them now." Just one of the many things that need her attention. But, there is one other major thing, of more immediate importance. It's a bit awkward to bring that up now, of all times... but she shouldn't waste any time in setting things in motion. Her hesitance keeps causing her to miss opportunities, she can't let that happen again.
...It's still awkward. She rubs the back of her head, trying to figure out the best way to broach the topic. "I uh, as you might imagine, I don't know a lot about all this... this stuff, with children, and whatnot. Not a great role model or anything, and I really don't know how to take care of them, so... I can't really offer any help there. But... I would like to help you more with the things that I am good at." Nailed that segue.
...But she's still anxious, scratching her cheek. "Uh, gee... it feels bad to just go and ask you for a big favor, right after all this, but, um. I kind of... need access to a private hangar bay? Like a locked one, where I have the only key? For a project?"
<Pose Tracker> Eight Orlodhari has posed.
Eight can only pick up feelings and make judgements based on what she sees of someone; she can't intuit the depths of Naoko's emotions here. ...But she can guess at some of it pretty well. The way she echoes 'love'...
"I'm glad, too." A pause. "You never know what someone else will feel; it's hard to judge from your own head, what someone will find forgivable, or not. It's not just you."
For so long... Well, it's a start.
She smiles.
But then, Eight lets go, after a moment, and listens. Her parents... "Of course. I'll do all I can to help you--Mx. Rezza, too." Since they're handling matters at the moment. But some other thing...?
Eight lifts an eyebrow when Naoko asks for the favor. "It's fine; I have plenty of help on that front," she says first. "Though I would like you to meet them sometime."
A pause. "But a hangar bay...?" She considers. "I mean, we have them spare, so far as I know; we have a lot of hangar bays. It's technically Rezza's decision right now, but they'd listen if I asked them to give you one."
"I'm willing, in theory... But I would like to have some idea of what you're working on, before I sign off."
<Pose Tracker> Naoko Suzuki has posed.
Naoko can't help but feel that's easy for Eight for say, someone who is so much better at telling how someone else feels. She is far behind on the empathy front, still frequently baffled by how different other people feel or think compared to herself. Basically what led to this whole issue to begin with. It sucks to not just be naturally good at everything, especially when you're not exactly the epitome of patience. It's so much easier to just focus on the things you've always known how to do. And that would be why she's almost always behind a computer or a workbench, whenever she isn't sleeping, eating or piloting.
Nothing much she can promise, in that area. Regarding the matter of her parents... "I actually managed to get in touch with an old friend... he'll be going home for the winter break, maybe he'll find something out that we can use." People might tell a native what they wouldn't say to outsiders... especially in a place as close-knit as her hometown. Such is her hope, anyway.
"Oh, of course, of course... I could, uh, maybe introduce myself before I go?" Is that what you call it with babies? Don't ask her, she absolutely does not know what to imagine with 'meeting' these very small persons that you can't have an intelligible conversation with. Eight will have to take the lead on that one.
As for the most pressing matter right now, she can only chuckle awkwardly. "Ah. Well. Of course this would be the one time you ask questions... right when it's the hardest for me to answer them." She looks down, scuffing her foot against the floor. "...I'd tell you everything I could, but... Leina warned me. She said that, the things I can make... no one else should know too much about them. That it would be dangerous... for me, possibly the entire ship. That's why I need a place I can work, without anybody seeing."
She raises her eyes back up. "That said... what I can tell you is that I want to work on upgrading Sukeban. It's... painfully clear that it's no match for everything that we've had to fight. I've been lucky, so far. I don't want to rely on luck anymore. I need something more reliable. And... something that can deal with the Void, in particular. I know I can do it. But... no one can know about it."
<Pose Tracker> Eight Orlodhari has posed.
"That makes sense," Eight says of the friend going home. ...She can't really say much about being good at things; after all, she does have certain talents about people, even if she had to work hard to get where she is.
"Yes," Eight says with a smile. "You could do just that. ...They can't really talk back, yet, but they like meeting new people. Even if they won't remember you yet, it's still good for them. And you!"
But given how Naoko responded to Eight holding her hand a minute... maybe that'll dictate how it goes.
The hardest time.. Hmm.
"I see," Eight says. "Not as much as I'd like," she admits. "But if Leina believes this, then that goes a long way. If the both of you do..."
She considers. "All right. We do need something to address the Void. I'll talk to Rezza and see if we can get it set up now, instead of when I get back."
"Good luck, Naoko. I hope you can accomplish what you're trying for. ...And I'm trusting that what I don't know what hurt us."
"How about we head downstairs, for now?"
<Pose Tracker> Naoko Suzuki has posed.
Let's just say that if you asked Naoko to actually hold a baby she'd look at you like you just said the ocean is on fire. (The disbelief would possibly be followed by running off to go put out the ocean, this being the task with a higher estimated success rate.) But just a wave and an awkward 'hi', sure, she'll be able to manage that.
For the moment, though, Naoko is in the highest of spirits, clasping her hands together in delight with a bright smile. "You mean it?! Thank you!" She likes Enba fine, but... well, like she said, she can't answer too many questions. And they are just about the worst person to talk to if you don't want questions to happen. But while she can't exactly go into details, these is one promise she feels confident in making.
"I won't let you down - it'll be awesome, you won't regret it, I swear!"
Surely that would put anyone's mind at ease.