2023-12-03: .and i must simply believe in the worth you ascribe mE
- Log: .and i must simply believe in the worth you ascribe mE
- Cast: Elisa Kafim, Yuliana Kafim
- Where: The Silent Castle, Kaffeklubben Island
- Date: 2023-12-03
- Summary: Yuliana wakes, after her harrowing experiences opening the Gate, to find her wife beside her. Yuliana's willingness to sacrifice herself is a thing which troubles Elisa deeply -- and so is Yuliana's preoccupation with the opinions of other people. Troubling, too, is the way Elisa's own mental commands come back to thwart her, when she tries to investigate just how Yuliana knew of Emptear's limiters. But Yuliana loves her wife dearly, despite her recklessness and Hers, and she sends her away to heal her own wounds... while agreeing to rest, just as she's agreed to stay safely in their Castle.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
The Work was difficult.
Elisa had to spend much energy, and much blood, repairing Yuliana's body. From the sacrifices came pouring through the air that which was necessary, the way to sculpt bone and repair flesh. It is not altogether different, one might find now, from the way that the Empress reworks Yuliana's body--with one primary difference.
Elisa's work makes her more suited to living here.
Each rib is painstakingly put back where it should be, curved just so, reattached to cartilage and wall. Blood is is put into permeable vessels that must then be sealed.
But eventually, Elisa is finished. She picks up and carries Yuliana to a bloodless bed, to a place where she may rest in safety. But while she is exhausted, she is not finished.
While there is a wound on her side, she is not finished.
Her anger will keep her sharp.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
The Empress is furious.
In Her multitudinous eyes, Yuliana and Elisa had almost opened the Gate -- She could even reach through, visible to their profane eyes. If Yuliana had just danced a little more -- and She made sure she could -- She could have saved Her wife from anything as trifling as the concerns of mortality. No, in Her eyes, Yuliana's act of transgression put her in so much more danger than finishing her task!
And Yuliana knows Her anguish, denied when She was so close. She wears it on her bones, as she sleeps. But outside, her bones do not wear Elisa's anger; no, they are restored, and Yuliana is at least blessed to feel none of that.
If some servants are missing, when she wakes... she knows not to ask too many questions.
Her brow knits, when she wakes, and her hand lifts to fumble and grasp for Elisa. "Apostate!" She hisses, with words not her own. "This world hunts, grasps, and kills! Poison doused in honey! Come to Me, and no more plagues you! You will..."
But the anger forced through her voice fades, all at once, replaced with her own: "oh," in small gasp, as her grip slackens.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Almost, almost, almost. It is best not to ask too many questions.
Elisa hears that hiss. The words that are not her own. Elisa's eyes narrow, for an instant. "She can wait," Elisa says, sharp as a knife, and clasps Yuliana's hands.
"My Yuliana," she says. "You are whole once more. And the world is changed, but not yet fully."
"But think not of the world. Think not of the Void. Think of yourself, and of me."
"Yuliana..."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana curls her fingers into Elisa's, weaving herself into one of her hands even as she feels the other supporting her, too. "Mmn," she hums, through her lips, as her unfocused eyes focus on Elisa again.
Her frill, behind her ears, wilts as she thinks of her. "Are you mad at me, too...?" She asks, still so unused to knowing another's feelings. Certainly she feels anger.
And, it seems, it's not the first time she has.
The Empress was angry.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
The fringe at Elisa's ears betrays her feelings--but not the reason for them. Yuliana asks that question--and perhaps it is too fierce when Elisa says, "No."
"No, I am not angry at you, though perhaps I should be, given how readily you attempted to sacrifice yourself!"
But her voice gentles, "No. My anger is for Her. In Her impatience, She nearly killed you. And perhaps She could have gathered your spirit into Her realm..."
"But I would not take that risk."
"No, my anger is for my Self. It is..."
Her normal amount of teeth grind. "It is frustrating."
A shake of her head then, "But no, I am not angry with you. I believe that we must... talk, when you have recovered enough to do so. It is clear to me that much is not as it must be."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Perhaps it is too fierce, because Elisa says that, and Yuliana flinches. Shame floods her eyes -- and, Elisa may now know, her heart -- when she criticises her sacrifice. She should be angry at her, shouldn't she...?
But Elisa gentles herself as she explains, and Yuliana frowns, reaching up with her other hand towards Elisa's cheek. "Elya," she murmurs, softly, and her own heart will break to see Elisa so angry at a mirror.
"Is it... because of me?" And her vulnerability only underlines her self-centric worldview, all stripped away. "I-I'm sorry, Elya. I thought I could take it... I thought I was strong enough for that. I -- I'm the only one who can bring you back to yourself, I had to..."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Yes, shame. But that is the wrong reaction; Elisa's anger grows, but not at Yuliana. When Yuliana reaches up to her cheek, Elisa reaches up in turn, to place her hand over Yuliana's.
"No," Elisa says, and schools her voice to keep more of the pulse of antipathy out of it. "It is not a matter of strength. It is a matter of realizing how important you are."
"I do not care if I become whole again if I must do so without you," Elisa tells Yuliana seriously. "I will go with you or not at all."
"It is not 'strength'," the witch says, "To disregard yourself. To think, those fools had a point as regards that. No, we must ensure that you do not feel you need to act in this way."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
But why wouldn't Elisa be angry at Yuliana? That's what she struggles with -- though she's glad for her hand across hers.
"Oh..." She sighs, with a long blink, as she absorbs Elisa's words, Elisa's wishes. (And perhaps she will know, now, just how deeply she takes them into herself.) "But... you are so wounded, Elya. So often, you are scarcely even here... if I could heal you..."
(Would she die for that?)
She lets the weight of her own hands fall into Elisa's, grasped there. "Are they fools?" She wonders, sotto voce, as her endless eyes glance away. "I guess... She was so angry." And not just at Yuliana, apparently.
Her eyes close, briefly. "I don't know what's wrong with me," she murmurs. "When it comes down to it, I always push myself... always throwing myself into the fire. I guess it's the Republic, again... I don't know."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Yes, Elisa understands now more than she did before. "...You do heal me," Elisa says, tenderly. "Your presence brings me out of that place. And I understand, now, that it is natural to me to be separate from the world--that it is an effort I must exert to remain here. And one I should exert."
A pause. "Yes," Elisa says grumpily of the question of fools. "...But even fools can speak wisdom, now and then. They were right about some things. Not all, but some. And yes, I am sure She was angry."
But...
"You must value yourself more, my darling," Elisa says. "What I do, I do for you. Without you it is pointless." A pause. But what she does...
"It may be," Elisa says, "That the scars you suffered from the Republic have not yet faded. But you must remember. You are no 'fuel'. You are far more."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana's own gaze softens, when Elisa insists she's a healing force. "Elya..." She murmurs, lovingly, fingers stroking at her cheek. She is gratified, hearing her efforts helping so. She may be a terminally self-centred woman -- but she still loves her wife.
Fools speaking wisdom... Yuliana frowns, but first she focuses on what Elisa has to say about herself. (Again, she's really quite focused on that topic.) "I... oh, you're right, Elya," she sighs, and frustration enters her voice, now. "I don't know what's wrong with me... I feel like I'm the worst, but I can't stand people seeing that in me, either. But I just suck all that love up into a, a black hole --" Yuliana shakes her head, against the pillow, scowl deepening. "Ugh, even saying it to you is painful... why can't I just believe in my own superiority?!"
Which might shock all those people she's bigoted against, because she always acts like she's the best.
"Really... if you get down to it... aren't I unforgivable?" Her voice grows more drawn and thin, as she grows upset. "That's why I can't go back! That's why I can't live in this world! That woman from the Republic, Soma, she'd sooner kill me! That Sophia, too! They know, they know! That Renalle, too, now she's chosen! They'll tell everyone, and then Sayaka won't care about whether there'd be a place for me any more! The Ashtas won't bother, any more! Everyone will know--!!"
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa is still mad at the others, of course. Which is notable; it shows she's still thinking about them at all.
"Of course I am right," Elisa says, straightening slightly. She does notice that focus, of course--but it's fine. What is wrong with her, though...
"You can tell me even the things that are painful to say," Elisa says. "There is no need to grow in wrath because of a difficulty. This..." She was going to talk about 'this world' and what it's done, but it tastes sour in her mouth. So she takes a different tack.
"There is nothing to forgive," Elisa says, waving a hand vaguely. "Why should you go back?" she wonders. "You have me. Unless that isn't enough, after..."
Elisa sighs. "There is nothing that they can 'know' that is relevant. You will live in this world for now, until we can more safely open the way to the next. And we will carve what room is necessary if we must."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Of course Elisa is right, but even accepting that so easily, Yuliana grows upset. She knows that she can tell her wife anything, of course; it's the only reason she could say these things, embarrassing and damaging and painful to bear.
And she does try to get a grip on herself, when Elisa assures her her wrath is unnecessary. Except --
"Ah--" Yuliana gasps, hand jerking, briefly, before she drops it down to clutch at Elisa's other hand, still woven between her fingers on the bed. She is wounded to hear her wife believe she's not enough, clearly.
"Of course, you're right," she assures her wife, with a long blink, fingers clutching about her hand. "I don't need anyone but you, Elya, really! Even if they all hate me, it wouldn't matter, would it?!" She's trying to convince herself as much as Elisa, but she's trying. "You've already made a lovely place for me... really, I've everything I need here." The world might have realised they live here, by now, but that doesn't matter. Elisa would never let Yuliana come to harm in her own home.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
A grip is a grip! It's good enough. Yuliana's long blink sees Elisa watching her face, and she nods, somewhat mollified by that. "It wouldn't," she says. "...But they don't, of course. They continue to reach to you. Of course, they do not understand us, but they try to care in their own ways. It was one of the tolerable things about having to deal with them, that some of them clearly care for you."
A lovely place for her... That's better.
"And you should stay here for a while. Where it's safe. Reach out by all means, but reach out from home."
Hmm.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"They do...?" Yuliana can't help but feel relieved, hearing that, even having thrown the whole world under the bus moments prior. (She does that. She does that a lot. A woman's gotta survive.) "It's... tolerable," she echoes Elisa's viewpoint, even if she's hungrier than that. "That much is tolerable, yes."
She smiles up to her wife, lifting Elisa's hand to her lips; her gaze veils, turns it, gently, to place a kiss upon her inner wrist. "Whatever you wish," she promises her, gentled. "I'll stay here with you, Elya. I'll seek your counsel. I don't wish to cause you any more pain, zhenushka..."
Knowing her, she'll be restless by the end of the week, but at least she's pliant now.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Yes, Yuliana is relieved, and Elisa understands better how much Yuliana is concerned with the world. It is something that gives her pause... but she does not doubt the evidence of her senses in this.
"It is a start."
Elisa smiles faintly, though only faintly, at the kiss to her wrist. "Good," she says. She is still mad, but...
Well, her anger is giving way to other feelings, at least.
"Then if you find you must go, tell me," she says. "You do not cause me pain so easily in this way."
A smile. "...Though I confess, you did cause me some by removing those limiters. How did you find them? I included them for my use, in case I needed to do something. They were never meant to be disengaged for you--it isn't safe."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"I will," Yuliana promises Elisa, again, and fullheartedly. "Gladly. I feel safer, knowing that you know." She doesn't know how much Elisa knows, but would she blame her, even if she did?
It's an open question.
But when Elisa smiles again, a frown crosses Yuliana's face, briefly. She's bothered by what she's done, but when she asks --
"I--" she starts, only for her voice to leave her. The light leaves her eyes just the same, all her stars stolen away, as she mildly corrects herself: "I was poking around. I am an engineer. I investigate the machines l pilot." And it is the truth, but it is not -- as Elisa may immediately intuit from her dull response -- the whole truth.
Elisa compelled Yuliana to make sure Shari did not come to harm; apparently, that includes the harm Elisa would surely visit on Shari for saying too much to her wife.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
There are good reasons for Yuliana to go out, Elisa is vaguely aware. Holding her here would only make the matter worse. ...But she can guard her in any case.
That frown is fine--Elisa expected a little difficulty with the question--but then she stops, and the stars are gone, and...
Elisa frowns. "Ah." She puts it together fairly quickly, of course, and schools her expression so as to avoid giving any frustration away. Besides... It is what she asked.
"I should not have underestimated your wondrous and brilliant mind," Elisa says. "But please do not use them again. I intend to remove them. You are more precious than anything that could be accomplished by their use. Anything."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Elisa's Command, at least, is limited -- and Yuliana, in its grasp, fails to notice the frustration relayed through her Void filaments. But when she moves from asking why -- when Shari is no longer at risk of harm -- the light glints back into Yuliana's eyes, evidenced only by a few rapid blinks.
She doesn't notice.
And when Yuliana smiles, it is a mollifying thing, seeking to reassure her poor, pained wife. "I am sorry," she cannot help but say. "I was reckless... I didn't think about your feelings, zhenushka. I should have told you..." But she knew, if she did, Elisa would forbid her from them. Was it arrogance, which led her to think she was so strong...?
She sighs, fondly, clasping Elisa's hand by her neck. (Her tattoo is healing nicely, and Her transgressions against her flesh did no harm to it. Small mercies.) "I'm really that precious to you, aren't I...? Oh, Elya... you make me feel like the most important woman in the world. It makes me so happy... before I met you..." There's a reason she keeps treating herself as expendable, but it's too painful to say, in the moment.
"... you worked tirelessly to fix me again, didn't you?" She asks, instead. "It doesn't even hurt any more... oh, it was awful. I wasn't something that could live in this world..." And judging by the way Elisa found her, in the cockpit, she would not have lived for much longer without her help. "It must have been difficult, even with your Power," she says, nuzzling at Elisa's fingertips. "Thank you..."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa considers that particular Command, and how necessary it is now. She doesn't do anything about it in the moment, though.
"If you had told me, I would of course have forbidden their use. ...But it is done. You are whole now, and that is what matters."
Elisa smiles at that fond sigh. "You are," she says. "Important to me... and the most important woman in the world." There are those reasons. Elisa hates them. But--
"I did," Elisa answers, because there is no point in humility in this. Especially not now that she understands the irony, of shaping Yuliana in opposition to her Self.
"Yes. She was hasty," Elisa says. "And She acted uncautiously. ...But I was able to restore you."
"You are more than welcome. I would move the very earth for you, my darling. No matter how much Power it took."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Oh," Yuliana sighs, again, entirely pleased to hear how important she is in Elisa's eyes. Of course, what matters is that she's whole. Why would they focus on her disengaging limiters she knew her wife would disapprove of, in light of that..?
It is difficult to blame Her, but -- easier, perhaps, when it's Elisa laying the blame. (Yuliana plays favourites, even with her wife.) "You saved me from Her haste... I'm so lucky to have you, boyevaya podruga." She names her the woman by her side in every battle, no matter the heroes' cruel words about Elisa sitting back and letting Yuliana fight. They just don't understand how Elisa and Yuliana fight together. "I know... you'd do anything for me. You honour me..."
Not content only to grasp her hand so tenderly, the snakes at Yuliana's back uncurl, coiling about Elisa's waist in an effort to hug her despite lying flat on the bed. But she feels something damp on one of their clawlike jaws, and she gasps. "Elya!" Her own hand drops Elisa's, reaching to her wife's side, only for her fingertips to return bloodied. "You're hurt!" And any argument as to her wife's immortality doesn't seem to reach her, in this moment, gripped by horror and concern. "All this time?! Who would do such a thing?!"
She shakes her head, fiercely. "You must see to yourself! I know you deny death, but surely you know it is not without cost! You grow so distant, Elya..." Yuliana, at least, is upset to see her wife bleeding so.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa will lay that blame. It is a boldness she might not have shown, a month ago. Now, however...
"And I will stay with you." They don't understand. They can't understand. "I would."
But Elisa accepts the hug from the snakes, the coiling about her, and then--
Ah.
"...One of them was capable of drawing through Connections," she says, "In the way that I can draw down across space. It is no matter." A pause. "..."
"...it is some matter, then," Elisa allows. "I will go and tend to myself. But you must rest as well. ...Yes, darling?"
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
And Yuliana is so happy, hearing Elisa say she'll stay with her. For all those foolish outsiders might tug at her heartstrings, one thing only becomes more clear now Elisa's connection to Her reveals Yuliana's own heart: she wishes, desperately, to be with her wife.
(With Elisa.)
But she insists it is some matter, and Elisa, at length, recognises that. When she does, relief floods Yuliana's gaze, and she smiles to her wife again. "Yes," she agrees, all too easily. "I will rest, zhenushka, while I wait for you."
A light pause. "Only..." She starts, a shade more shy.
"Is it... all right if I sit up?" She asks, unsure. "Just on a couch, or something of the like... I don't want to fall asleep while you're busy." Or, put another way: she needs Elisa's protection to feel confident sleeping, these days.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
With Elisa, yes. And Elisa wishes...
"Very well," the witch answers her wife. "So long as you do." A pause. Yuliana makes a request...
A simple request, really. "Of course," she says after a moment. "You are at home. You may rest as you choose."
It's... like normal. Sort of.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
And Yuliana nods, when Elisa underlines her need to rest. This, too, is a simple request; she could do no less to make her wife happy, after she underwent so much stress.
Perhaps Elisa can feel her anticipation, now, when Elisa weighs her requests; she is keen to heed her wife's wishes, and so all her attention lands on her. And after that moment, Yuliana smiles, and her expression at least is warm. "Of course," she echoes her. "Thank you, Elya."
It's like normal, and surely they'll find their own version of normality again soon enough.