2023-11-07: How Can I Help?
- Log: How Can I Help?
- Cast: Knight, Akane Shinjo, Rikka Takarada
- Where: The Division Train, near Jupiter
- Date: 2023-11-07
- Summary: Knight talks to Akane and Rikka about his feelings, and they help him find a way forward to support people even as he's struggling to fight.
<Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
"Thanks for coming," Knight says, as he welcomes his family (Rikka married in) into an out-of-the-way meeting room on the Division Train. You know the type: there's a long desk and a projector at one end which always screws up when you have a presentation, and one of the chairs is always, ALWAYS broken.
Knight helpfully scouted out the dinky chair and put it to one side before anyone else got here.
(Nidaime was the one to find Akane and Rikka and bring them here, of course, but she has tactfully excused herself, knowing the TERRIBLE TRIAL facing Knight now. Of course they've talked about it.)
"I have an important announcement to make."
He sits in one of the non-broken chairs, back straight, hands folded neatly on the table.
Ten seconds pass.
Twenty seconds pass.
Thirty seconds pass.
Fo--
"I am sad," Knight announces, straight-faced, at about the thirty-six second mark.
He sits in absolute dead silence for fifteen more seconds.
"That's all."
SERIOUSLY?!
<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.
There are few people Akane's more willing to make time for than Knight; when she finds out that Knight has something to say, she's ready to go in an instant. The projector room suggests some things -- he's got something important to say that requires explanation. Maybe it's about Shinobilar?
(It's weird how similar they look... then again, adaptive kaiju do look a certain way in the Taraba series, so maybe something similar to that was inevitable? Takeshi, to her knowledge, is a little like her --)
She's already thought of three hundred things it could be when they settle into the room. She looks to Rikka thoughtfully, then nods to Knight, letting him take this at his own pace.
She shifts uneasily during that long silence. Knight has always been a little bit silent. Wait -- is this about Nidaime? God, don't make her some sort of... weird... auntgrandma at 17! That's too much --
'I am sad.'
Akane glances down and to the side a bit. She expects some degree of exposition, so when that silence comes, she waits. (It's a little nervewracking to have that silence after such a moment... but Akane will manage that for herself. Count to four, inhale. Count to four, exhale.) When he says, 'That's all,' though --
She blinks a few times, still trying to figure out how to approach. She settles for eventually asking, "I'd like to help. What do you think would help?" It's a sentiment that's a little awkward to construct in words, but this whole moment is awkward... and it's more important to try -- and, when talking with Knight, to be clear about it. (And to put him in control of the next steps.)
<Pose Tracker> Rikka Takarada has posed.
Nidaime had fetched herself and Akane. It was about Knight, it seems - and like Akane, she's always more than willing to take time out for him. And so, she finds herself in a meeting room. Her eyes stray toward the chair set aside, but she takes her seat near Akane.
"No problem." Rikka replies with a smile as he thanks them both. He has an important announcement to make - her eyes meet Akane's briefly as she glances to her, but then she looks back toward Knight.
Moments pass. ...The silence is a little awkward. And then - 'I am sad'.
It's... kind of a surprise. He rarely shows anything on his sleeve, but... it makes sense. So much has happened.
"Oh, Knight..." Rikka murmurs sympathetically. She waits for further elaboration, but... 'That's all.'
She looks back at Akane, then back to Knight - and then nods, as Akane offers her help.
"That's right. We're both here for you." She assures. "I'd like to help, too."
<Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
Can Knight and Nidaime even --
Oh thank god it's not that.
Knight makes a thoughtful noise, as he looks up at the ceiling lights and the various pipes carrying various important things about the ship. Like the oxygen vents! "Doctor Cektru said I should let myself feel bad and share it with you so I can overcome it and we can become stronger. But I didn't ask what to do after I share it."
He starts to get up. "I should go and ask."
Oh no. Oh no.
<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.
When Rikka affirms that she'd like to help too, Akane gives her a small smile and a nod. It's good not to have to face these kinds of things alone.
(Really, just having Rikka present helps her feel a little more grounded in approaching this kind of thing.)
Straightening her back as a conscious effort and taking another deep breath, Akane says, "Uh -- you probably don't need to do that," holding up a hand. "The next step with this kind of thing is usually talking about what's making you sad. And Iiiiiiii'm not really gonna blame you for feeling that way, after the last..." She grimaces.
"... there's been a lot to be sad about," she says, scooting her chair a bit closer to Rikka's. "But what's getting you the most? Or I guess it could just be kinda, 'everything'..." She realizes she's a little out of her depth -- and looks to Rikka again, as if to say, 'help.'
<Pose Tracker> Rikka Takarada has posed.
Rikka smiles back to Akane - but her attention quickly turns back to Knight as he starts to stand up.
"It's okay! We-" Rikka says quickly, starting to stand up herself - and Akane's on the job, too. Rikka carefully lowers herself back down. She nods, as Akane explains - and when Akane gives her that look, Rikka tags in.
"I think most of us feel that way. Things have been rough on everyone. ...It's hard." Rikka says. "There's no, uh... quick, immediate answer - but sharing your thoughts and feelings is a good start to finding the best approach for you. Everyone handles this sort of thing differently..."
She nods back to Akane, then.
"So, would you like to share what's on your mind?" She asks.
<Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
"Oh." Knight sits back down. There's very little ceremony to it. He just pulls out another chair, with a little scrrrch of wheels on the floor, and there's this strange clunking noise as he plants his butt because there is STILL a sword behind him, that never stopped being a thing or anything.
He's at least sitting in arm's reach, now.
He frowns, as he turns it over in his head. "What's on my mind... it's Asuka Shikinami Langley. It shouldn't have been possible, but she saved me. I couldn't return the favour. Now, there's Shinobilar. I know what I have to do. But that's another Auto-Intelligence, too."
All these people he can't save, on account of his duty.
'Bad' is evidently Knight-speak for 'guilty'.
"And before that happened, I couldn't protect you," he adds, looking straight at Akane. "I couldn't even fight back."
Oh. That sure is a throughline. Why did Knight come on this trip, anyway?
<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.
There's a long few moments, as Akane -- still seated; she's slower-to-move than either of the others in the room -- gives Rikka a nod of thanks, then lets Knight talk again. It's good to let him find his own voice, instead of just sprinting him to conclusions... Akane really should have spent more time listening to him, earlier in his life.
"... Yeah," Akane agrees. "I kind of know how you feel. NERV is officially saying Rei and Asuka both made it through, but even if they're still alive, that's a lot to go through... I feel pretty bad about not doing more to save her, too. And, uh..."
As she runs out of easy ones, she takes a second to breathe again. (Count to four, inhale. Count to four, exhale.) "I don't blame you for anything that happened with Alexis. I've... actually been feeling pretty bad that being in my life was enough to get him to attack you."
(It's a family dialect.)
"... Do you --" she starts, groping for words. If she knew how to solve this easily, her life would probably be pretty different. "I know I said something different when you were younger, but I was wrong. It's... okay to try your best and fail. You don't need to feel guilty about it."
She scoots a bit more toward Rikka, evidently passing the baton again -- oh, no, it's not just that. She also wants to hold hands.
<Pose Tracker> Rikka Takarada has posed.
Knight sits back down. Rikka feels a little relieved. She's sure Jana would've pointed him back their way... but she wonders if he would've ended up coming back to them, after all that. She looks back toward Akane, then back to Knight.
Asuka... Rikka nods quietly, her expression downcast. That's something she feels bad about, too.
"...Yeah." Rikka agrees with a nod. "I still wonder if there's more we could've done."
Now... she's not sure she believes NERV's official statement, but... she hopes its true. She hopes there's some way they made it out - that they'll see them both again.
She goes quiet, though, letting Akane continue. This is good for her to approach. When Akane scoots toward her, Rikka reaches for her hand, holding onto it gently. It's not easy - but the important things usually aren't.
"She's right." Rikka confirms with a nod. "It's alright to fail. It can hurt, but... it's okay to give yourself time to recover, and then move on. Move forward. That doesn't mean you have to forget the feeling... but you can use it to help yourself next time."
<Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
"It wasn't your fault," Knight insists, still looking Akane dead in the eye, because he simply doesn't know enough about social mores to realise he should really blink. "He was my family, too. Even if we weren't talking, he would have gotten rid of me... just to make sure I wouldn't complicate his plans."
And he means both 'talking' as in 'talking at the moment Alexis tried to kill him', and 'talking' as in 'being friendly and accepting each other in their spaces'. He's very economical with his words.
He does remember to look away eventually, though. He lifts a hand to scratch at his cheek, instead. "Mm," he hums, through lips all pressed together. "Asuka Shikinami Langley wanted threats to humanity killed, even if it was complicated... I told her I could do it. And I tried to do it." Rikka's not the only one wondering. Back then, he was encouraging Shinji to -- "... maybe things would have been different if I fought harder for her. But that isn't what she wanted. What's true is that she saved me, and I couldn't save her. It was a failure."
(And admitting that to Akane is its own little milestone, because he says that and doesn't immediately expect his big sister to throw something at him. Not that she has much to throw at him right now, except for Rikka --)
Well, Rikka does catch the metaphorical baton, but that's an entirely different type of throw.
"That's what I don't know," he says, to Rikka. "This is 'next time'. Isn't it? Shinobilar. It's like I was. But when we were fighting, I didn't have the will to destroy it. So I was almost defeated myself. I kept thinking about Asuka Shikinami Langley." He didn't say anything about her, but then -- he's always kept himself to himself. (No wonder he had to call an entire conference just to talk about his feelings.) "If Kaworu Nagisa is right, there'll be a 'next time' with her, too. Since she's still alive. It's not that I can't look her in the eye and tell her I told Shinji to do it." There's another sentence, after that one, but his lips just part in a silent "...", and he doesn't quite get to it.
"But if I don't have the will to fight, I can't protect anyone," he frowns, looking to Rikka, now. "So I don't know what to do." No wonder he asks Rikka; Rikka's always been the first person to advise him, off the battlefield. (In more than one sense of the word.)
<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.
Rikka's always so steady with this stuff, Akane thinks, appreciating the warmth of that hand. It's good to have someone to face it with together -- which is... probably something Knight's figuring out bit by bit, too, given the situation.
Akane still struggles with the intensity of a gaze like Knight's; she doesn't ask him to stop staring, though. She still very much remembers the last time she told him not to look, and doesn't know how to say it again without it sounding like a rejection, yet.
She'll deal, for now.
"... I wish I had a better answer, but I'm kinda in the same spot. All this stuff is so much." Another long, steadying breath. "I guess the one thing I can say is you're not alone with this stuff. You're not... anywhere different from the rest of us, I guess," she says, shaking her head.
She doesn't have a great answer about Shinobilar, either -- and rather than try to make one up, she allows herself to just say, "I kinda think you're ahead of the point where I can give you good advice. But... you don't always have to fight to protect someone. Sometimes just being in their life's enough, or... something like that." ... yeah, she's lost.
<Pose Tracker> Rikka Takarada has posed.
Rikka nods quietly as Knight responds. About his promise to Asuka... and how he failed to fulfill it. She looks to Akane. ...She can sympathise. Everything they're dealing with is a lot.
"Yeah, for sure." Rikka agrees. He definitely isn't alone, there - then she looks back toward Knight, as he continues. This is next time... He kept thinking about Asuka. ...It explains a lot. She listens quietly, and she's quiet for a moment after, contemplating her answer... but she looks back, when Knight looks at her. She takes a breath.
"...You have options. It's like Akane says - there are other ways to protect people than to fight. Being there to support them is one. And you have a unique perspective that you can use to offer advice. And if all else fails... you're faster and stronger than most of us, so you can keep everyone else safe if something happens while we're out there." Rikka says. "Right now... you might be the one who understands Shinobilar the most. And that might be key, if we face it again. It's under the effects of Triple Zero right now... and honestly, it might not be any different without it. But you've seen where that path leads. That's a start."
She hesitates a little before continuing.
"Fighting doesn't have to mean destruction. Sometimes, it's the only way you can stop someone from making a mistake." She concludes. "...In the end, though... I think you need to figure what it means to you to protect someone, and then figure out from there how you want to approach it."
<Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
"Very much." Knight agrees with Akane's assessment. (They are siblings.)
But... they're standing in the same place, huh. And ahead of the place where Akane can advise him, too... he frowns, and he thinks about that.
"Auto-Intelligences copy others to learn their strengths. It could be that Shinobilar copied Triple Zero," Knight suggests, thinking about what Rikka has to say, too.
"... stopping mistakes... all right."
He makes a thoughtful noise, and glances back to Akane, before he busies himself with straightening his tie instead. "Then, is it enough I'm in your life," he says, and forgets the rising tone that would make it a question.
And once he's all neat and tidy (he already was when he started the motion), he looks to Rikka, too. "How can I support you?"
(He copied that trick, too. From the beginning of this very conversation!)
<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.
While Rikka speaks, Akane's thinking about how she would have definitely freaked out and said something thoughtless around now if she had to handle this herself; there's no question about that, at this point. While Knight's grown enough not to take everything she says as gospel... that's still a thought that, more and more, makes her appreciate how many wonderful people she's surrounded herself with.
When it turns to protecting someone, too, Akane has thoughts. "... Sometimes you have to choose what to protect and when. I don't think I could have helped Leina, for instance, when we were captured... that was way beyond what I could do from where I was coming into it. I think if I'd tried, none of us would have gotten out of there... so sometimes picking your battles means things work out better, too." Another squeeze of the hand.
Knight asks her a question, in his characteristically flat way... and she nods. "I'm pretty happy with that, even if explaining it to anyone else is seriously weird," she affirms.
She catches that he's learned something -- and it sounds like it's even something good, too. ... it's enough to make her feel not only proud of him, but proud of herself for reaching the stage where she could teach Knight something that isn't terrible.
<Pose Tracker> Rikka Takarada has posed.
"Copying Triple Zero... I hadn't considered that." Rikka replies, a little surprised. It makes sense... and, that's already something that only Knight would be able to appreciate the difference, the significance, of.
And Akane makes a good point, too - as she says that sometimes you have to choose what to protect and when.
"That's true... that's important, too." Rikka agrees with a nod. Akane squeezes her hand - and Rikka gives it a gentle squeeze back.
...She can't help but smile when he asks Akane that question, and she confirms it. ...It's good. There's something sweet about it. And then, Knight asks her a question.
How can he support her?
"Look after everyone." Rikka replies. "I know I'd be able to fight a lot more easily knowing that the others back on the train will be safe, and I imagine the same goes for everyone else."
She nods, and then pauses for a moment, thinking of something else.
"...And if, at some point, you do feel like you have the will to fight again... I'd be glad to fight alongside you." She concludes.
<Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
"And... choosing. I understand." Knight nods, just the once. And once, again, when Akane says she's satisifed. "All right." Another pause, "... good."
Knight does have a unique perspective, doesn't he? But he's figuring out how to communicate like humans do. Kind of. Mostly.
Like this: "All right," he says, a second time, but this time it's for Rikka. (He's fighting beside her, these days. It's a more comfortable position.) And he pauses, again. He thinks about how Rikka looks after people. He looks up, for some reason.
(But it's not raining.)
And then he looks back to them, and he says: "Have you eaten."
Beat.
"We're going to get lunch now." And Knight stands, and stands there, staring at them expectantly.
Apparently, he's going to insist.