2023-10-14: !reality and the republic have left me barreN
- Log: !reality and the republic have left me barreN
- Cast: Yuliana Kafim, Elisa Kafim
- Where: The Silent Castle, Kaffeklubben Island
- Date: 2023-10-14
- Summary: Elisa finally realises why Yuliana can't bear children -- and it's a combination of the REA's crimes and the way the Void has changed their bodies. Yuliana... doesn't take it well, but at least her wife is here to support her. She'd make such a good mother... (CW: Miscarriage, self-injury.)
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
The Silent Castle has an extensive medical suite, a small hospital in and of itself, all contained within the North Wing. And while Yuliana doesn't enjoy being here, she frequently must visit; her health is more fragile than she makes it out to be, after all the experiments she's undergone.
There are small changes, at least, to make it easier. The walls and floor, while smooth, are grey, rather than clinically white; the various needles and tools set on the wall are covered up, not spilling out for the world to see. The bed at least appears to be more like a regular bed, and not those all-business cots of the hospital, even if its height and angle can still be adjusted at the push of a button.
Right now she sits on the side of it, low enough down that her feet, in slippers to keep them warm, can press to the floor. Her hands ball in her black dress, as she looks, anxiously, across to Elisa and her standing desk, all full of the standard supplies she needs at hand, sliding out in drawers. A computer terminal is installed on top, complete with keyboard and mouse. It's easier for moving about the ward than going somewhere else to input observations. (To keep her in view, Yuliana supposes.)
"What does the test say?" She asks, her tentacles all wrapped about her knees, clasping them together. "This -- this is the thirteenth time it's not worked, Elya, there's got to be some reason..."
(... it's because her body just can't handle it. The experiments were hard on her -- they weren't intended to damage her, but her body is in such a frequent state of physiological stress that it aborts most attempts before they get beyond a few days of implantation. But even if she were able to overcome that, the fact is that the way she is now... she's changed. Her internal structure is different, to account for her extra limbs and sensory input, and her alien nature is no longer confined to the cerebrospinal fluid cushioning her spine and her skull. Perhaps it was easy to hope her body wasn't as hostile to life as Elisa's, with the veil of the first issue, but...)
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
The medical wing of the Silent Castle is indeed quite advanced. And Elisa has made each of the changes she's made with her wife in mind. But..
But her gaze remains on the monitor for a time, now, as she frowns. There is a gray coat over her clothes--not the white labcoat of the usual scientist, but still a layer that can easily be discarded if there is blood or some other contaminant on it.
But Yuliana asks...
Elisa had hoped that Yuliana's body could handle this; rightfully, she probably should have given up on this pursuit many tries ago...
"..."
Elisa looks to Yuliana. "I am sorry, my darling," she says. "It has not worked." She regards her. Elisa is not exactly known, these days, for her kind bedside manner, but this is her wife. It is different.
"This time, your body did not spontaneously abort." there is that much. It might've soon after, though. "...This happens because of the stress their experiments put your body under, for all that time; your body is still under that stress. Even with the reduced medications..."
She shakes her head. She contemplates not sharing the rest. It would only wound her. There is no reason to. And yet...
"It would seem as well that your body has changed in more ways than the obvious, with Her gifts. While perhaps that would not be entirely insurmountable in theory... I do not know how to overcome it. And combined with the strain on your body..."
Elisa sets down the keyboard and mouse, and walks over to Yuliana. "There are other ways. We must find one."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana's frills wilt, even seeing her wife look over to her with no immediate answer. And then, the apology --
She takes a breath, when Elisa talks about the stress stopping her, eyes widening and frills raising with the obvious counterpoint. If Elisa didn't explain it all, she'd cling to the hope that she could just get rid of that stress, the idea that she could just calm down somehow and everything would be fine...
It's not fine.
"oh," she whimpers, at length, when Elisa explains the rest. She deflates again, looking down at the tentacles wrapped about her legs.
And then her fist raises, and it is eminently clear she means to strike them -- and by extension herself, because they're a part of her, now. Whether she impacts or not, though, she cries out: "Rrgh-- I never asked for this--!!"
Looking up to her wife -- who is at least in a grey coat, nothing white, truly the worst colour -- Yuliana demands, teary-eyed: "What else is there, if my body rejects such a basic purpose?! What else can we do, Elya?! Mamulya will never accept an adopted child as my heir!" Her mother, that is. Elisa surely remembers their... opinions... on family, as Blue Cosmos voters. "H--how can I have children properly when I'm like this?! They ruined me...!"
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
It is not fine at all.
Elisa reaches out, swiftly but visibly, to catch Yuliana's fist in her hand before she is able to strike herself. "Shh," she says. "I know that you did not."
Yuliana demands it...
"Mother," for she is now Elisa's as well, "Will accept what she must. She has accepted much already that she otherwise might not."
A pause. "But you are not 'ruined'. Your glorious purpose yet awaits--a gift to all children, when this world is set in the way it must be. There is much you will yet do. Much that only you can do."
"But," she speaks gently, "There are laboratory methods. An artificial womb, for instance."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana's fist jerks, in Elisa's grip, fighting it momentarily before her mind catches up to it being Elisa's grip; her hand and wrist slacken, as her wife shushes her. She blinks, overlong. Her grief has set her to trembling.
Of course, Sashenka is as much Elisa's mother as hers. "Mm," Yuliana hums, her frown deepening; horrifically, the expression which dawns there is guilt.
Her glorious purpose. All she will do for this world. Bitter envy is so familiar, in her throat, as she says: "I wanted..."
She doesn't manage to finish her sentence.
Yuliana sinks, visibly and tangibly, head bowing. "But I'm -- not even human, Elya, any more, am I? Whether it's my womb or some machine, how -- how would something like us even grow, now? We're too different..."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa's grip is strong, but not hard; Yuliana will not find her hand sore or her muscles jarred as a result. She notices the trembling, and she reaches out, to cup her face with the other hand. She knows that expression...
Yes, guilt. Elisa frowns, lightly.
She wanted... "I know," Elisa says softly. "I know, my darling."
Not human... "Human... it is relative," Elisa says. "I am not human. I never have been. But I represent one of the futures of humanity nevertheless. So, too, do you. I will find a way, my darling. I will. For something like 'us' to grow, to be nurtured..."
"This I will do."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana tilts her cheek into Elisa's hand, damp against her fingertips. Is she being loud? Is she being snappish? It just hurts, it hurts, and she hungers for Elisa's comfort like a plant denied rain.
(Other people may doubt her bedside manner, but Yuliana never has.)
Her eyelids open, all a veil across her eyes, glistening, shining in the light. "I know... I know you will," she says, a little choke at the back of her throat. "You've never let me down, not once... but Elya, why, why does this have to happen to us!?" New tears well in her eyes, lips lifting to expose one too many teeth as her mouth twists in her grief. "Why can't we be happy?! Even if it's something like this, we have to pay a greater cost, just-- just to have a family?! I wanted... I wanted to raise a family with you, Elya! Just-- just calm down a while a-and -- be with you, and, them, and, we'd teach them right, and..."
Yuliana wanted to retire away a while -- and have a family of her own.
... maybe it's better, then, it's not this easy.
They still have so much to do.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa is gentle, with Yuliana. She is gentle, looking past that veil.
She does not smile, but her expression gentles at Yuliana's statement of trust. Then, there are the questions. The questions of why, of what...
Questions for which Elisa if she is truthful has no answers. But that will not do.
"...I understand," Elisa says. "I..." 'Family'. When had she considered such a thing? "...I would also like that."
"But in the meantime, there are others we must teach. Your Calling." The Silent Calling. "...We can focus there."
"...I..." She looks up, to the ceiling. "If this reality would simply bend, we would not have these problems. It is the fault of all those who prop up this world as it is."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
OST: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2Q09gPVOkg Final Fantasy 13 - All The World Against Us
"Y--you'd make such a good mother," Yuliana's voice trembles, looking up to her wife. "Children need a strong protector... someone willing t--to let them make mistakes to learn from, but fierce enough to keep them from being swept away..." By the waters of the flood, implicitly. It's no secret what Yuliana's thinking of, even without the transgression of Awakening.
But... there are others to teach. Yuliana glances aside, gaze settling on Elisa's fingers. Who's at fault...
"Why... why does this world hate us so, Elya? What did we ever do? Reality itself... even reality itself won't allow us be happy! It's not fair!" Her head shakes, at first lightly and then violently, frills and bangs whipping back and forth; her hand, previously stilled, moves to lash against the air with its fellow. "It's not fair, it's not fair, it's NOT FAIR!"
Losing her temper this way is, itself, childish -- but it's only an expression of how deep her grief is. Yuliana has always struggled to control her emotions. She must feel so wretchedly out of control, now, voice all hitching in a sob.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Would she? The way Yuliana says it, perhaps it is true. It is not a way that Elisa tends to think of herself. She looks down to her wife, though, and sees her sincerity...
"I would never allow such a thing," she says. To be swept away.
"It is growing pains," Elisa says. "In growth, there is always pain. We know this, in a way that the world does not. We understand this, in a way that others do not."
Elisa reaches down to embrace Yuliana. "It is unfair, yes. But we will weather it. Together."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana does manage to smile -- however briefly -- when Elisa confirms that she'd never let such an awful thing happen to their children. She believes in her wife, even if Elisa doesn't think of herself that way.
"I don't understand why we always have to hurt," Yuliana sobs. "I don't understand at all, zhenushka! Carrying this burden, it's too heavy... it's so heavy, Elya," and what she says the second time isn't quite what she said at first, as she rethinks her position.
Of course she can bear it. She has to bear it. It's just... hard.
It's hard.
Yuliana slips her arms about her wife's shoulders, burying her face in her neck, breathing her in. "Oh, Elya...! I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I couldn't give you a child...! If this world weren't clinging to me so tightly, I -- oh, I'm so angry, b-but my heart will break, Elya, will shatter! Paying such a cost, just to make a family! It's not fair!" Her mind runs through so many angles, so many jagged and bleeding edges; she is discordant.
"Stay with me," she pleads, clinging to her, "oh, stay with me. Elya, please, I can't be alone... I'm angry at myself, I'm angry at the Republic, I'm angry at, at reality... oh, my head's spinning..." And she does seem to be sinking into Elisa more than she could be; it's not unusual for her to grow dizzy, when she's particularly distressed.
... at least they're already in the medical wing, in case she has... problems.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Yuliana doesn't understand, and Elisa looks sadly at her, unable to provide much comfort it would seem over this matter. But the results are the results; she did not get to where she is by denying empirical data.
"I do not blame you," she says. Her heart... "Even if it is not at all fair."
"But I will stay," she says, leaning down to change positions so that she can sit with Yuliana, keep her up. She recognizes the signs of what may be happening.
"I will stay with you. Do not worry, my Yuliana. We are together, in this. Always."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana buries herself, against her wife; her legs curling about Elisa's ankles, her tentacles curling about her waist, her hands clutching at her coat. "I know," she mumbles, all muffled against Elisa's neck. "I know... in all things, we're together, aren't we? Sputnica zhizni," her life's companion, the one person she's chosen to keep beside her forever, "I must be with you... it must be you, Elya!" Her frills flare, behind her ears, with the passion of her declaration; but her energy saps from her, and she sinks into Elisa.
"Let me be yours... oh, I wanted to be mother to your children, zhenushka... you've always been s--so wonderful. You don't even blame me... you h-haven't even given up... you worked so hard, Elya! All those procedures, all those tests, they must have been such hard work for you, too... e-especially with me as I am..." Yuliana is not always an easy patient, even with the colour of Elisa's coat.
She swallows, roughly, and lifts her head to look at her wife through her tearstained eyes. "I--I'm not mad at you, Elya-- I know I'm yelling terribly much, but it's not at you, really. Thank you, my darling... thank you for everything. Really, I-I..."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa's gray coat is what it is. Elisa herself is not warm, but she can hold gently. It must be her, Yuliana says, and Elisa inclines her head. "It must be us," she says.
"You are mine," Elisa assures her. "...It is work, but it is worth it. For you. For us." No, she is not always easy, but...
Elisa looks down. Her own eyes are dry, as ever. But there is a depth there that is not usually there. "I know," Elisa answers.
"I know. ...Cry as you must. Yell as you need. I will not leave you."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
And Yuliana is soothed, hearing those assurances. Her smile is fragile, but surely that just means it's all the more worth protecting. "For us," she echoes her -- and she, at least, is still warm.
(Though... she needs the medications, now, to stay that way...)
She drinks in that depth; if she were to drown in Elisa's eyes, even she would be fine with it. She sniffs, and new tears roll down her cheeks, though that wavering smile is still on her face. "I was always afraid," she confesses, still quite fond, "w--when they saw me, really saw me, no one ever stuck around... but you've never left me, Elya. Even when I can't control myself, you've always loved me..." She rests her head on Elisa's shoulder, eyes drifting closed.
"I don't care how hard reality makes things for us," she promises, quietly. "I don't care if this whole world's against us. I'll make a place we can be happy, Elya... a place where we won't have to fight for everything. Only in a place like that could we raise our children safely... yes, we need our future for them, too. Please... ah," her head tilts, not quite shaking, "I know you'll help me carry it, Elya..."
The burden of world revolution.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
For 'us', Yuliana says, and Elisa will protect that smile. ...And her warmth.
There is no drowning to be done today. She sees that confession, hears it, and she considers these words in her mind. In her heart? "...Fools," Elisa says. "Fools and cowards. I will never leave you. Those who have may yet regret it."
But she doesn't care... No, she will make this world. Is it relief that Elisa feels? "Yes," Elisa says. "This is so. And I will. I always will."
That burden, and...
"I will not let you go."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Oh, Elya," Yuliana sighs, and she is happy, hearing her protective (possessive) anger towards all those people who abandoned her. It might have worried her, before...
... but why would she ever think that? Elisa's always been her most stalwart protector, and she is glad that she loves her so fiercely. To be valued so much... it almost makes her want to cry again, but it's not out of sadness, this time.
"Thank you," Yuliana murmurs, nuzzling into her. "Everything's so much easier, when I'm in your arms... I'm counting on you, zhenushka. I need you..."
Her heart, at least, still beats as she buries herself in her wife's embrace. "... oh, my darling, I love you," Yuliana says again, again, again, the tenth time today, "we'll get through this, together. I know you'll think of something, Elya... I'm in your hands. Whatever you need to see us through..." And is she talking about the procedures and the tests, or their efforts to save this wretched world?
It doesn't matter.
Yuliana would offer it, anyway.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Why worry? Those days are past. There is no need for it any longer.
"For you, I can do anything. I will. Always rely on me, my darling."
Whether Elisa's beats or not hardly matters to the moment. But she smiles, again. "I love you, as well," she says. She will think of something...
"Yes. No matter what it takes."
No matter what.