2023-09-23: Citation from 'Jesus bleibet meine Freude'

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Tap, tap.

"Enter."

As bidden, Shinji enters the vast, strange room that is his father's office--so open and empty, with bizarre black-and-red decorations, and seemingly no furnishings but a desk and chair. He doesn't understand why this office or any office would be set up this way, but that's not important. He meets his father's eyes from where he scowls at him across the room. Fuyutsuki is there too, standing next to Gendo's desk, but Shinji pays him no mind.

"What do you want?" Gendo asks in his typical brusque fashion.

Before--earlier today, even--Shinji would have quailed. Now, he straightens his shoulders even as he clutches the SDAT that was once his father's one-handed and swallows down his nerves.

"I'm here to ask permission to talk to Kaworu Nagisa-kun," he replies, speaking out the words he decided on before he arrived.

"Why?"

"Because he's my friend and my co-pilot, and I want to tell him why he was wrong and help correct him."

Gendo stares at Shinji from behind his tinted glasses. Shinji holds his breath and waits for his father's judgment.

"...Very well," he finally decrees. "You have five minutes."

"Starting from when you sign in with the guards in the detention center," Fuyutsuki adds, which saves a lot of time and trouble for both Ikaris.

Shinji relaxes a little. The clarification helped a lot. He thinks about what Guy had told him about the two of them. He's no closer to Fuyutsuki than he is to his father, but if the two of them really did know each other way back when, it explains a lot. "Thank you," he says.

When Shinji doesn't immediately leave, Gendo asks, "What else?"

Shinji, once again caught in the tumult of his thoughts, nonetheless manages to offer him a subdued but sincere smile. "I'm looking forward to the 29th, Father."

There is a long silence.

Then:

"...Yes."

Shinji's smile broadens and warms, eyes squinting momentarily shut. Then he dips into a courteous bow. "Thank you for your time, sir. I'll see myself out."

Gendo says nothing else, but then, that's just what's normal for him, isn't it? Shinji's finally come to terms with that.

It takes some time to reach the detention center. Shinji's been there before, largely so Misato could chew him out. He checks in with the guard and is guided to a shadowy cell, only the barest, dimmest of light illuminating the silver-haired youth inside, shining on the outline of him where he sits, both arms hugging a single leg folded up to his chest. A lance of anger stabs through Shinji to see him like that. Kaworu's been sitting here in the dark for days, and he'll be here for days more. It doesn't matter if Kaworu can handle it. It isn't right.

But making a fuss will only make it worse. Shinji takes a deep breath and unclenches his hands as guilt seeps in to replace anger. Is he any better, only coming to see Kaworu after several days, and only for five minutes? His father's overly strict, but he's trying to protect the world. It's just ten days. It'll be over before either of them know it. In the meantime, Shinji has to make sure Kaworu doesn't get in trouble like that again.

As the guard opens the door for Shinji to step inside, Kaworu looks up at him. His smile and his eyes are so gentle, one would never think he'd been sitting in solitary for the past several days. Shinji sits next to him and offers him one of the two earbuds for his music player.

"Sorry I didn't come to see you sooner," he tells him quietly. "I hope it hasn't been too bad in here. I've only got permission for five minutes, but I wanted to talk, if that's okay."

"Thank you," Kaworu replies, and accepts the other earbud.

For a moment, they listen together to the sweet chorus of track 24, Jesus bleibet meine Freude, their hands separated by the SDAT player. Even so, they lean towards each other. Part of it is because the cord just isn't that long, but still, it feels good. Peaceful. Soothing, even, despite the fact that they're both in a cell.

Wohl mir, dass ich Jesum habe,

"I talked to Ayanami. Asuka, too," Shinji starts quietly. "Asuka didn't really want to talk about it, but Ayanami was really shocked by what you did." He pauses. Kaworu doesn't speak, which isn't a surprise to him. He peeks over at him anyway. "We have our own guesses on it, but... why were you so insistent that you had to pilot Unit-03?"

Kaworu still doesn't reply. His usual smile, with which he greeted him, has faded subtly into a neutral line.

o wie feste halt' ich ihn,

"...I take it I'm not authorized to hear that information either?"

"...I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I know there's a lot you can't tell me. But it is confusing. And Asuka had a good point. If it's top secret, why didn't Father already know about it? If there's a reason why it had to be you and no one else, shouldn't he have assigned you to Unit-03 in the first place?"

Again, Kaworu doesn't reply.

dass er mir mein Herze labe,

Shinji pulls his leg up to his chest too as he lowers his gaze. "Here's what I think. And you don't have to say if I'm right or wrong--I'm just talking to the air right now."

"...All right."

wenn ich krank ud traurig bin.

"You and Asuka really don't like each other at all, do you? You haven't since the day you got here. Back then, too, you challenged her for the right to pilot Unit-02--but you weren't actually interested in that. You just wanted to help me. And that's the same this time around too, isn't it? You wanted to help me, and you didn't trust Asuka's intentions."

Kaworu remains silent.

"It's okay, Kaworu-kun," Shinji insists gently. "I know you don't like her, and I'm not saying you have to, though I admit I wish you two would get along. But despite how she was talking about Ayanami, she really was trying to help out in her own way. Asuka found out about the dinner on the 29th."

Kaworu looks up to meet Shinji's gaze. His expression is hard to read in the dim light, but Shinji thinks he sees surprise there.

"Yeah. I didn't know she'd known either," Shinji thus continues. "But Asuka's just like that. She's always doing kind little things, but she can't let people know she's kind, so she acts gruff to hide it. It took me ages to understand that about her, so I don't blame you for not realizing." He pauses. "So... I don't blame you for how you reacted... but I hope you'll apologize to Asuka later."

"I doubt she would accept my apology."

Jesum hab' ich, der mich liebet

"Maybe not," Shinji concedes. "But it's the right thing to do. I know it's scary, but... ha, no, it probably isn't scary at all to you, right? You told Father to his face you thought he was wrong. I nearly had a heart attack at the time, but I really admire how brave you are to just say your mind like that. So... I'm saying my mind now, to tell you I think you should apologize."

"...Very well."

und sich mir zu eigen giebet,

"I hope it doesn't seem like I'm pushing you into it or anything," Shinji adds, who realizes he's probably more worried about that than Kaworu is. "I trust you. I know you were trying to help. I just don't think you went about it the right way, that's all."

"Mm. No, you're right," Kaworu murmurs. "I, too, made a mistake."

Shinji breathes out a sigh of relief. Normally, he wouldn't doubt that Kaworu would listen, but normally, Kaworu doesn't get so stubborn in the first place. "I look forward to us co-piloting again," he offers. "To be honest with you, I was relieved that Asuka volunteered. I didn't want Ayanami or you to do it. Ayanami because of the dinner, but..." He ducks his head, feeling his pulse quicken. "...I really like piloting Unit-01 with you. Having you there makes everything easier. I didn't want you to go."

ach drum lass' ich Jesum nicht,

"Shinji-kun..."

"I hope that doesn't sound weird," he adds quickly, face heating, even though he's certain that Kaworu will smile and tell him it doesn't.

And, sure enough, Kaworu smiles that gentle smile that creases his crimson eyes and tells him, "I don't want to leave you, either."

wenn mir gleich mein Herze bricht.

Shinji can't stop his own smile from bubbling up. Whenever Kaworu looks at him like that, it really does make him feel special. After talking to Akane, he thinks he can accept that it's not just him, either. That reminds him of a specific part of that conversation, though--and something he's been keeping from Kaworu. Shinji takes a deep breath and leans forward a little to speak--

Tap, tap.

He startles and jerks his head over towards the cell door. The earbud falls from his ear just as his SDAT clicks forward into track 25. The guard gives him an unreadable look through the bars, face almost fully veiled by the darkness.

"...Right. Time's almost up," Shinji says, a little disappointed. Still, it's not like this is good-bye for good. He looks back at Kaworu and rests a hand on his shoulder. With a wry little smile, he continues, "Sorry. Father barely talks at all, so he probably thinks five minutes is plenty to hold a decent conversation. I'll try to visit again, but if I can't, I want you to know I'll be thinking about you."

Kaworu smiles up at him and layers a hand over his. "I'll be thinking about you, too."

For a pitter-patter of heartbeats, Shinji remembers what Akane had said, how she'd compared him and Kaworu to her and Rikka. It would be easy to write it off. Kaworu's already dating someone else--two someone elses, technically, though Shinji realizes he doesn't actually know Kaworu's relationship status with Gridman now that he's gone home--and just because Kaworu's agender and polyamorous and really huggy when he lets him be doesn't mean he's attracted to him--

But he wanted to know, didn't he? About Kaworu. Everything he can know. Everything he's allowed to know.

So, before he loses his courage, Shinji blurts out, "Kaworu-kun, I have to go, but when you're out, there's something I need to ask you about. It's about us."

Kaworu's smile doesn't waver even a mote as he hands him his earbud. "As you wish."

Shinji smiles back before he even knows it. There's more he'd like to say--he'd like to stay and talk to him for hours, like they do sometimes--but the cell door opens and the guard gives him a pointed stare. Shinji shoots him a brief glare back, but whatever. He's just doing his job. He walks out of the cell and gives one last look back inside. He catches Kaworu's gaze, and for an instant, their eyes meet.

"Shinji-kun," Kaworu says softly. "I'm truly sorry. I promise I'll do better next time."

There's only a split-second for Shinji to take this in before the metal door shuts, leaving their view of each other barred.

"Kaworu-kun," Shinji calls, just as softly--but he doesn't know what to say, so he leaves it at that. It's all right. We'll have plenty of time to talk on the 29th, he reassures himself.

Shinji leaves the detention center. Kaworu's eyes track him long after he's gone.

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