2023-09-23: ?tragically haunted by my deeds, shall i diE
- Log: ?tragically haunted by my deeds, shall i diE
- Cast: Yuliana Kafim, Leina Ashta
- Where: The Silent Castle / Magallanica
- Date: 2023-09-23
- Summary: Yuliana struggles with guilt which not even Elisa can entirely assuage -- because it comes from Leina's disappointment. Finally she manages to ring her and express her regret, but Leina's demanding better from her, and Yuliana reveals just how complicated that demand really is in her mind. It is not only her rage in question, but Her will, and Elisa's machinations -- all together, it means Yuliana can't promise to stop fighting, even if she enjoys her quiet Castle. Leina tries to understand it all, and Yuliana's complicated marriage, but Yuliana just isn't able to explain everything. There are things yet to be explained, though, and Yuliana agrees to speak to Cathedra about the Institute's crimes... so long as she can speak to Leina, and only after consulting her wife. (CW: Self-injury, domestic violence, cults)
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
OST: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4PK7iiMYEwE AVKRVST - The Pale Moon
Fingers trembling, hands quaking. She starts the number, again, for the ninth time. She remembers what it is. She gets it wrong, anyway.
"Who is --" click.
"Ch!" -- the effects of a fist, curling, falling down. It's fine. Her thighs don't want for padding. Those orchids, coiled beside her, aren't the only blossoms of her flesh. Her breath grows ragged and throaty, for a moment, before she conquers herself again.
She just wanted to make a phone call. Why does she have to make this so hard?
Yuliana Kafim's breath hitches in her throat, all caught somewhere between her lungs and reality, and she buries her face in a hand. It comes away damp; she smears it against her robes, a growl in her belly and rising up. "Rrrghhh..." This is pointless, she thinks; she should call for her wife, and retreat back to her embrace. Elisa will soothe her. She always has. Elisa absolved her; Elisa explained everything away. Elisa can make her smile, again, and chase this clouding miasma from her heart. It's how she got out of bed, after all.
She's out of bed, but it's not out of her head.
Leina Ashta thinks less of her, now.
How dare -- how dare --
"Nn," Yuliana whines, as she feels the aghast hatred bubbling on her tongue, still discordant with her heart. She's not satisfied. She wanted it to be one way, and it was so much not that way, and... is it Leina's fault?
She shakes her head, and bites her lip. She tastes it. That centres her, too.
One more time.
Her fingers curl with hesitation, as she hammers the numbers in. In order. Sequentially. Dial. Dial tone --
"D--don't hang up!" Yuliana demands, at once, before a single word can be said. She holds the phone to her ear; she doesn't even bother switching her video on. It's not important, right now. Better Leina doesn't see why she hitches on the word.
"I -- regret," but that's not enough. It's like choking up hot lead, and just as nauseating. "I wasn't acting akkdt-- according to my, principles, I... I-I mean, no, wait, I, I... I was wruh-wrong," and luckily, no one can tell that she's crying as she finally just echoes what Leina told her to say, entirely because she didn't turn her video feed on. "I l-let them provoke me into dh--doing something terrible..."
(Her self-delusion is a touch desperate, but it matches the rest of her.)
"Oh, God," she says, hushed to terror, "this was ss-stupid, never mind --" click.
She drops the phone back down on the couch, and pulls her knees up to her chin, hugging herself to herself. She can feel her heart trying to beat its way from her chest; she knows she will die. She will die, she will die, and she should have blamed Leina.
She's always thrown someone else -- anyone else -- under the bus, to save herself from its weight.
She knows the cost of failure, of course.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
It's a quiet night at the Mass Villa, and Leina is sitting outside on the balcony of her room. She hadn't yet washed the chlorine smell out of her hair. However she was tap tap tapping away at the never-ending onslaught of makeup homework.
She'd made a decent dent in it today, but she was mentally exhausted from the act of buckling down from hours upon hours on end.
Even her dip in the pool had barely helped.
At some point her fingertips stopped moving... and her eyes closed...
Stop. Stop!
She could still feel her wrists bound as she urgently pushed the child beside her over and over.
... lurching awake, as her ring tone uttered a second time. She quickly picked it up the phone, without checking who it is, on the third ring.
And listens, stiffening as she sat upright. Leina in this moment, silent as a tomb, as she just listens.
And listens. Until she says it was stupid, and hangs up.
Leina takes some time to think about what she just heard, her eyes wandering off to the side.
It'd be easy enough to call it a day and go to sleep. And yet, could she sleep if she did that?
Taking a deep breath, Leina dials back, letting it ring, until it connects. "A lot of things in life are stupid. Admitting you were wrong is rarely one of them." Is Leina's opening statement, and there is sternness there, but it's not without concern.
"You crossed a line." She tells her in no uncertain circumstances, "I'm not happy about that, but - I am here. If you want to talk about it, then let's talk."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Ring. Ring. Ring.
Yuliana hears it; sees Leina's number, on her screen, as she glances sidelong to the device laying mournfully on that crushed-velvet couch cushion. Ring, ring, and it's only on the sixth that she musters the courage to reach over and accept the call with a tap of her finger.
She listens to Leina's sternness, and...
"I-- I know, a-all right?" Yuliana says, a shade of petulance sneaking into her reedy tones before she forcibly takes another breath. She swallows, and there's the sound of cloth rustling; a moment later she props the phone up on the table beside the lounge, and switches her camera on so that Leina can see her.
She's scrubbed her face, but she's very clearly been crying; her robes look in disarray, though the blackness of them makes it difficult to tell. Her legs are drawn up to her chest, and she looks away, chin propped on her knees.
"I know," she says, again, after doing all that. Her shoulders fall; her brow knits. Her fins droop, behind her ears.
"I--I was lashing out, but I didn't hurt a suh-single person I meant to... I killed a lot of soldiers, too. And, you know, maybe some of them wanted thh, to be there, but probably there were p-people like me in those Tierens, too..."
She blinks, overlong. "... you hate me, right?" She asks, dour, still looking away. "You hate me. You should at least say so!"
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Leina's expression just looks stern as Yuliana says 'I-- I know. a-all right?' without actually pressing the point further, but it's certainly words which indicate something to her, and thus, frames how she's looking at this.
She doesn't actually speak further, she sees how she's been obviously crying. Something softens on Leina's expression subtly, but- she doesn't say anything just yet.
She listens to her as she keeps going, as she says what she was saying. 'p-people like me' gets to her subtly... as she takes a breath, with eyes closed.
"I am disappointed in you. I am upset with you. You did an awful thing." She enunciates, trying to make her position quite clear. "I don't hate you."
She says, softer. As she thinks about how to put this, "It's not like I didn't know you killed civilians before, Yuliana. It's just, then it was orders. There was pressure put upon you for that kind of political violence."
There's this, sigh, "I thought, perhaps, that if you were free of that kind of pressure, that kind of threat - that you'd make the choice not to do that to civilians. What was it you said to me?"
Leina's eyes wander up as she recalls that, "That the point of the cruelty was to control you. When they disregarded your feelings, when they frightened you, they only emphasized their power."
She lets that sink in, "That even if these people aren't in labs, they're going through the same thing, socially and economically. That they're being crushed by their power, by their means of controlling through that power."
She gives her some time to process that, but ultimately, "I don't hate you, I've... forgiven worse, in the people I care about, but I need to know that you understand. That you're committed not to do that again."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana winces, when Leina says she's disappointed in her, lips pulling across her teeth. It's painful, physically, just this side of intolerable. She should hate her. She should hate her!
And it is seductive, the allure of damning Leina for her feelings, for not absolving her of what happened (by her hands). It's seductive, but she pushes down the hatred bubbling in her throat, because she knows --
She knows, all right?
It's not Leina's fault.
"I know," she hisses, through her teeth, again. She wraps herself about her knees, twice over, those snakes coiled at her ankles and her hands gripping her shins. She buries her face into her knees, and for a moment the only clue that she's listening is the trembling of those fans, twitch... twitch... twitch.
She sniffs, and hiccoughs, and manages to swallow down her feelings enough to at least feel confident speaking. What a mess. "I never wanted to crush the common man," she says, as she finally lifts her head to look to the camera again. "B-but those people, they think of me like... I wanted to kill the man Jie sent, Leyasha. You know he is a man who is perfectly content to see these crimes done? The only reason they would send him -- is to quell the dissent of the Institute's discovery. The Chairman... thirsts for our blood. A million corpses to build the highway to his progress!" Yuliana shakes her head, fiercely. "But we had to test their military response -- n-normally, so I'd never be able to get to the Chairman..."
She sinks into herself, again. "... so... I wanted to kill Cabral. I got so angry... you know, Sophia was right, really. I wasn't thinking of what worked at all... I should have come to him in the night. But we need our machines, so I had to do it this way... and I thought, I thought, all these people, they were complicit, so wasn't it fine if I didn't care too much whether they died? I -- I was fooling myself," she halts and stumbles over insisting, before Leina can chastise her further. "I knew it wasn't right, but, I don't know, I thought it wouldn't be this bad, I was angry, we had to know..."
The plot they've hatched she's hinting at isn't something she immediately illustrates; she's reluctant to blame Elisa, just the same. It isn't her fault, either.
Still, maybe it's fine to say...
"I -- I did say -- I said to Elisa, I didn't want to endanger innocent people like that again. She was upset they tricked us, too, s-so she was fine with it... I... there are things I have to do, Leyasha, but I won't get civilians involved. I mean -- again. Okay?" The question is small and it is miserable; but that she's spoken to her wife at least means she's tried to arrest their trajectory.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Again Yuliana hisses, and Leina watches her posture, her eyes blinking every now and then but her expression just, impassive watching her.
A grown woman, but her emotional regulation is so childlike. Even if she'd never say it.
"And? So you're blaming the people for being gullible? Falling for the propaganda?"
She then points out, "How can you pretend to know all of their hearts? The very idea someone might used to be something that upset you!"
Leina's voice softens subtly, "You already said you were lashing out. Well, you're lashing out at what you're projecting on them. You might have killed a dozen people who would have looked upon what happened to you, with sympathy."
It's a little pointed, but she is trying to reach her. "That's the problem with painting everyone with the same brush. Now, you won't know, you'll never know."
There's this, quiet sigh, as she processes their whole plot. What to ask about? What to press down upon?
Leina looks up at Yuliana, in the eyes over the feed, "I'm glad you told her that, and I do believe you mean that." Leina says after a time, "But, I really believe that this kind of political violence? It's not the way to go about this."
It takes a moment for her to work up to it, "I'd like to ask if you wouldn't consider coming in. To talk to people about what happened to you. So many things happened in the Institute - that I'd like to see punished."
A beat pause.
"Would you consider leaving it to us? From what I understand, Cathedra is quite interested in figuring out who precisely to point fingers at when it comes to our ongoing investigation."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"I know!" Yuliana yells, burying her face again. It's a childish posture, but there's just too much tension, wrapped around her bones. She is afraid. "I know, I know! I was stupid! Presumptuous! I fucked it up! I'm f-faulty, I'm useless, I'm disloyal, I'm a failure! Are you HAPPY now?!" She has to curl herself so tightly into herself, or surely Leina will see her quaking. (She can't see her fins, betraying her.) She draws in another breath; her voice is less angry, more quiet, as she admits: "I killed them... even if the REA provoked me, I feel so wretched, Leyasha. I can find no peace in my heart..."
It must bother her. Yuliana doesn't like to see how her actions conflict with her self-image; it is a grievous wound to her psyche.
She glances to Leina, only to bury her face, quickly, again; she can't pretend she isn't crying. She can't quite decide who to hate for it.
Leina finally asks that question, though, and Yuliana's tense shoulders sink down into herself again. "Mm..." She hums, turning her face to rest her cheek against her knee, though she can't quite bring herself to look at her camera again. She doesn't want to see that look in her eyes.
Disappointment is painful.
"Does that mean... you want to take me in? I... you must understand it wouldn't be safe for you to bind me, Leyasha... my wife wouldn't sit by and see me imprisoned." Yuliana shifts, uncomfortably, a coiled spring. "... I won't be studied again..."
As if the only reason the authorities would want her is to jail her or to dissect her.
Being fair, that's been her entire experience.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
As Yuliana cries, and rages, Leina's face it's not, unmoved? There's a struggle to keep up it's impassivity, but she's certainly not going to budge on this issue either.
"No. I'm definitely not happy. You think I want you to say those things about yourself?"
Her tone is far too even, as if to give away that struggle to keep it up. It's difficult to watch her cry over this. It's... far too similar to...
"It's because you know you did wrong, certainly. That you did an awful thing." She says softly, "That doesn't mean you can't change course. You've already said you want to."
However as Yuliana asks what she intends, Leina thinks about it for a moment, "What I want you to do is to stop putting yourself in situations where you're fighting. You've been hurt, you haven't really recovered yet. Not really. You're so mixed up about things. And continually putting yourself in these situations just keeps throwing you back into situations where it's only a matter of time until something like this happens again."
Leina says after a moment, "I'm back at home now, I have three hypnotherapy sessions this week alone after my classes. I'm not taking any Cathedra missions for a while unless it's a real emergency. I don't want to put myself back in a position like that if I can help it."
More thought, more time, she's choosing her words carefully, "What I want to do is try to arrange a deal where you wouldn't be imprisoned, but you could safely talk about who did these things to you. About the higher ups that enabled it. About seeing them punished, about closing down other sites like that if we can get enough evidence to support it. Our mandate allows that - without going through the bureaucratic red tape of asking the REA permission."
She holds up a hand, "No medical exams. And I can promise you, they haven't done a single one to me yet. They're not interested in studying people like you or me - they're interested in stopping people who create people like you and me."
She lets that sink in before, "I'm asking your permission to send this up the chain so I can see what I can get approved, and so we can figure this out together."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Mmnn..." Yuliana hums, with a little shake of her head, when Leina asks whether she thinks that's what she wants her to say. "I-- I hope not..."
She swallows, looking away.
"I... have to offer it. I have to sacrifice something meaningful to me. It's Her will, Leyasha." Yuliana's gaze darts away, again, fins wilting, as she justifies it to herself. "But -- but Ambon's not a busy place. The city, but... there's lots of room on the island. No one has to be there. It -- it will be fine if -- it's still my home. It's enough," she insists, tone haggard. "My old house is underwater these days, anyway... s-so, it was always going to be a broad interpretation..."
She clutches herself to herself; she tightens. "I-I am mixed up," she says, tone wavering. "Most days, I don't even know if I'm coming or going... but my Elisa already told V--" She stops herself, "the people we work with, she told them we'd help. And it will be good for me to do something." Whether that's what she thinks, or whether it's what she's been assured of -- she doesn't say. "And.... and even leaving our mutual friends aside, Leyasha... I can't just stop fighting. I mean -- I -- I like fighting. Even when my Elisa wasn't able to protect me, I went to fight that Macross and save Pendragon... of course I regret that, since Sophia caught me, and -- and -- y-you know, what the REA did, after that. I shouldn't have tried to..."
She pauses, and swallows, shaking her head. "... but even if I didn't do as I pleased, I'd still have to fight. Leyasha... I told my Elisa I wouldn't pilot Emptear, once," she admits, voice hushed. "Rita filled my head with all manner of nonsense, so I threw such a tantrum, I refused... she was, v-very upset. She had to yell to get through to me... I cried about it, of course, I can't handle my own inadequacies. Of course, in the end, she'd already -- s-she'd made me a blindfold so I wouldn't try to rip my heart out again, I didn't need to go talking about sacred things with someone so -- but, but you understand, if it had been a real mission, I, I couldn't, I -- how precisely do you suggest I remove myself from situations where I'm fighting, when I am the only one who can do this?" Her panic turns to accusation, eyes all squeezed shut. Her breath runs ragged, as she struggles to calm herself; she is quiet, for long moments.
"... um..." She starts, at length, and swallows.
"... but..."
Yuliana at least manages to lift her head, to look to her camera, again. "Is it... really just a matter of bringing the Republic to justice? I suppose it must be, with all you've told me..." She is still afraid -- it's written in the way she glances away, again -- but she looks back to Leina, again. "I... want them to see justice. I -- I will speak with you, Leyasha, under their mantle. If it's about the Republic, I'll tell you everything. I've no reason to keep their secrets, any more."
She pauses, for a moment, before she shakes her head and adds: "... but I only want to speak with you. Is that... okay? I mean -- will you -- ask for that?"
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"I don't."
Is her simple answer, but what she says next? Yuliana can see her looking away just briefly, tapping something. "Last census for Ambon shows..." Leina stares at her screen. "... how broad an interpretation are we talking? Because Yuli - haven't you suffered enough?"
Her eyes look back to the screen, "Why are you being asked to sacrifice anything?" It's a question that was asked to Leina herself recently. The hypocrisy is perhaps, rife. And yet she does.
"Like, do you even know for sure what'll happen if you do this religious sacrifice ritual? How far it'll go? Like you're saying a part of the island where noone lives but-"
Leina's eyes trail upward as if thinking about the whole situation, "-you're asking for a lot of trust after what just happened. And a lot of people who could get hurt if something goes wrong, or lose their homes."
And indeed she looks back to her, as she says how mixed up she is, "Okay but, do you really have to? And if you do, then why for a cause that's hurting people?"
Leina asks after a time, "You told me you wanted to have children right? So obviously you'd have to at least put a hiatus on it for a while? There's things you want to do other than fighting!"
And indeed, Emptear? Leina listens to how Elisa got upset and her blood runs a little cold, as she talks about ripping her heart out, "Yuli - I don't - what are you piloting it for? Why does it have to be it? You're making all these statements that don't match up with anything I know. It really - you're really making it sound like Doctor Kafim is forcing you to fight for some cause of hers! Not that it's something you actually want to do!"
She looks suddenly concerned, "Doctor Kafim would let you stop fighting if you wanted to like, adopt a kid right? You said that's something you wanted to do - have kids!"
Yuliana says she's the only one who can do this and Leina feels those words being turned back on her, as she sighs deeply, and then meets her gaze head on, "Coming from someone who was just put in the position of being the only one who could do something - you really make it sound like you're only doing it for that reason."
A brief pause, before, "That's concerning. I'm very concerned. Yuli, you're not feeling pressured because you're something unique, are you?"
It comes to the deal with Cathedra, and Leina isn't certain what she can offer, what she can promise. She's brand new, and while she's a special case, she's definitely not in a command position.
A fingertip rubs against her eyebrow, and...
"Yes. I'll ask for that, I promise."
Is it really just a matter of bringing the Republic to justice? Leina pauses, and after a moment, considers the matter...
"I'm not entirely certain what it's a matter of Yuliana. There's more going on to this than I - know, or understand. I'm willing to admit that, but it's a situation where I want to protect you."
She puts a hand over her chest, "I don't know what the higher ups will say, but I can promise I won't lie to you about the terms of whatever deal they put forward. I'm not here in this position trying to entrap people who are victims of corruption from the people in power, alright?"
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana frowns, lips pressing tightly together. "A sacrifice only has power if it has meaning," she echoes, and her voice is more grim. "Since that place has power to me, striking at it... it's how I can become strong enough. But... but Elya said, she said we could avoid hurting innocent people unnecessarily..."
She quiets, one hand lifting just far enough to rub her opposite wrist. "I... I am not yet perfect," she settles on an explanation for her sacrifice, finally. "We are not yet enough, to bring Her to this world. I try, and I stumble... and my Elisa, she tries so hard, but it's not enough... and though she is so devoted, I doubt!" A new kind of upset breaks her voice, as she wails. "She is merciful, She is with me even as I am unfaithful, it is, so fortunate I cannot forsake Her," Yuliana blinks tears from her endless green eyes, looking back to the camera, "but I must offer this, Leyasha. I must grow stronger. I cannot serve Her as I am."
Has she grown more fervant about the woman in the Void, over the past year? More fanatical? She spoke of Her in a hush, before -- a being who never left her side, terrifying in Her mystery, but a mystery. Now... now, she's talking about her like...
"It's... the point is that I am willing to assault it, Leyasha," Yuliana says, looking away again. "But I'll not be called on to destroy it... we need the seat of power. I am sure I'm called to claim it, but..." She can't sound entirely sure about herself, though, and she shifts on the couch again, still folded into herself. "... well... you're connected now, aren't you? Couldn't you evacuate the civilians, if I told you when She appoints the ritual? You know... if you're worried... wouldn't that be fine?"
She pauses -- and frowns. "My cause isn't to hurt people," but her anger dies to mumbling, when Leina asks about her plans for children. "We've been trying. We've been trying! But it never... I always... d-don't worry about it," she insists, shaking her head again. "My Elisa... will figure out what's wrong. It's fine..."
Her expression grows more drawn, though, thinking of Emptear. "She's not forcing me to do anything!" Yuliana snaps, with a shade of desperation. "I chose to be with her -- to share my ambitions with hers! I --" she pauses, her voice hitching in her throat, "I admit my aims have evolved, since Kaworu forced me to awareness, but of course my cause is hers!" Yuliana thinks she has chosen a great many things, in her life.
If less than she thought.
"I want to save this world," she insists, a shade more sullen. "Of course I want that. I'm not -- I'm not a total monster, Leyasha. I know I acted like one, but that's not the whole story!" She pouts, and part of the expression is just to keep from crying at Leina's awful accusations. "And of course my Elisa would not force me to fight with child... though it is better if we bring one into the world to come, to save them the injustices of today."
She meets Leina's eyes, and forces herself not to blink. "Of course I feel the pressure," she says, voice growing firmer. "I'm the only one who can do this -- the only one with this power. If I don't do anything, I forsake the Earth! But the pressure of my position -- it has nothing to do with Elisa. My wife would never make me do anything," Yuliana says -- for the second time -- and carefully avoids the wording of pressured in the process. "She just knows what's best. You... you wouldn't understand. I regret you have no one you can trust as much as I trust my wife, Leyasha."
It's a frosty reception, but... she could have reacted worse.
It's evident in how she comes to consider Cathedra, finally. Yuliana sighs, and -- finally, finally -- uncurls her legs, letting them rest against the armrest of the couch. Not totally uncoiled, but at least not completely compressed. "I'll speak honestly with you," she says, "I don't trust them. I don't trust this Cathedra of yours, not as far as I can throw them. But --" she lifts a hand, curling it at her chest, "but, I trust you, Leyasha. Of course, I can only truly trust my wife, but... but you, you have never acted to harm me. You wouldn't... mean to poison me."
Of course, she'll have to consult her wife.
She considers that much to go without saying.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"I don't-!" Leina puts a hand to her face, "I'm not, really a religious person." And indeed she isn't, as the mother that gave birth to her? It only felt like she used it to hurt her. To Yuliana it may be common enough to know that more Spacenoids are secular than Earthnoids, "I know who you're talking about exists but-!"
Her. Bring her to the world. Her blood runs cold at the idea. Her. She remembers that overwhelming presence, trying to unmake who she is. Bringing her into the world. After a moment, she sighs, "Look, I trust that you don't want to hurt more innocent people unnecessarily, I do. It's just, I worry that 'unnecessarily' doesn't mean it won't happen anyway. The other rituals, they brought Kaiju through that were very hostile! You couldn't control yourself! You almost died! I don't have any evidence to the contrary that these things can go well for anyone!"
And her eyes fall upon Yuli, pleadingly, "And Yuli, bringing 'her' into the world? I can't... I can't see how that'd go well for anyone either. Her presence? It was like she was trying to unmake me, just for- accidental connection. You already said how she makes you suffer so much. How can, bringing her into the world be a good thing, when it feels like all of your engagement with her is just- is just pain! Just suffering! I don't understand!"
It's a lot, to ask her to evacuate the civilians and just trust it's fine. In her mind, she'd be obligated not just to evacuate them, but to try and stop it. So she doesn't - answer that yet. She wants to know Yuli's reasoning first.
And she can certainly hear her tone when it comes to 'We've been trying. But it never... I always' "I'm just - just worried. It really doesn't feel like fighting is all you want to do forever." Leina says quietly, "It really doesn't."
And as she snaps, Leina gets her back up, as she suddenly brings both hands forward, "I didn't say she was! I am saying that YOU are making it sound like she is! Everything you're saying! It really does sound like that! And I promise, if anyone else heard what you told me, they'd think that too!" Leina does sigh deeply, "If it's not like that, then it's not like that - but you really are making it sound like it is! And that's concerning!"
Leina puts a hand to her face again, "Forsake the Earth!? I don't - I really don't get it! And I want to understand!" Rubbing her finger across her face, she looks at Yuliana again, "Who are you doing this for? Like - who besides Doctor Kafim even knows what your plans are? If this is for humanity then - what people out there are asking you to do this for them?"
It's more and more difficult not to see this just like Rita, trying to change the world in a way that noone asked for.
Again and again she feels cold at the idea that she has noone she can trust as much as Doctor Kafim, "It's hard to hear the words that someone knows best after Doctor Murasame wired my brain to think I know best about all things. It took me down a very dark road. I can't really - it's hard for me to accept the idea of someone knowing best right now."
Again she sighs, but then Yuliana responds on the matter of Cathedra and Leina's response to that is...
"That's fair. If I were in your position I wouldn't trust an organization like them either." And she says that quite sincerely, "I'll send it up the chain. You talk to Doctor Kafim. And... we'll figure this out."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana's expression will shatter, looking to Leina through the aperture of her camera. That one... narrow... lifeline, to anything but this.
But this is what she wants.
(Is she religious? She thinks, to herself, thinking of rituals with their origins all forgotten, cemeteries of buried bodies and menus which elide certain items. God is dead, and they have killed Him. No, She is...)
Yuliana glances away, when Leina says she couldn't control herself, she almost died. She looks back to Leina, mournful -- mournful that she cannot help her understand.
"Leyasha, please," she tries, regardless, her voice strained. "She is absolute. I can no more go against Her than the drowning tides. She unmakes me as sign of Her affection, Leyasha," Yuliana insists, a second time. "Her will to see me strong enough to survive this world as it tears me apart! Because -- because once She is here -- once She is here, it won't hurt, any more. I won't hurt any more," her eyes blink at new tears. "All men will be equal, and war a distant memory. I must bear this transient pain, for -- for what will come is beautiful." And who is she convincing, insisting it with such strain?
Maybe it's herself, with the way she says, "It's not all I want..." Even if Yuliana does enjoy fighting -- she's always been a woman of the regions. She enjoys being far away from the demands of the world, its hustles and its bustles and its constant catastrophes in need of care.
She's upset, of course, when Leina insists she said those awful things. "I didn't! I wouldn't!" She says, a touch panicked. "It's not!" Concerning, she means.
But she shakes her head, and tries to calm herself down. "I... I'm doing this for my wife, I think, first of all," she admits, delicately, as if she'd never addressed the thought before. "She needs this... so badly, Leyasha. She is moved to such ferocious grief when we fail..." One might imagine it's the sort of grief which many don't survive; there's another word, for that. Yuliana doesn't use it. "But our Calling welcomes the world that is to come," she insists, and tries to steady her smile in the telling. "They need us, too. Need me. As does this world."
She frowns, when Leina invokes Dr. Murasame. "My Elisa is nothing like that man," she insists, sharply. "Don't compare them!" A deep breath in, and she allows: "... but I understand you've your own experiences which have fouled the concept. Then I will not say the words." She's trying to be nice.
Unfurled, she clasps one wrist in her other hand, looking to Leina. "All right," she agrees, mollified. "I will speak with her on this. I will... trust you with this. You have, after all, always tried to understand." She reaches up, with a hand, to stroke her bangs back out of her face. Her fingers flinch and start, feeling how damp her cheeks are; inconspicuously, she scrubs at them.
Well, she thinks she's subtle, anyway.
In this, and in the calming moment she takes, before she looks back to the camera. "But there is something you don't understand, I think, about marriage," she says, at length. "Marital disagreements, Leyasha, they're private things. You may not know, given everything..." Yuliana sighs, and looks aside, to the crackling fire, as she tries to explain. "When I was young, my babushka," her grandmother, "said that I must find a man who strikes me in private, not one so weak willed as to vent his frustration publicly. Such arguments did happen, you see. It's a cause of embarrassment for it to be seen and spoken of. But, you know, my ayah," her father, "was never that way. I never saw him hit mama... he was always respectful. Yes, at times he raised his voice -- but it was his responsibility to maintain order!" She shakes her head, and her bangs get all tangled in her face again, just like that.
"My Elisa has always treated me with the utmost respect, just the same. She's never abused my trust. She's never raised a hand to me, not even when I throw things at her! I admit she must restrain me, at times, but only when necessary..." a smile spreads over her lips, easing the tension in her eyes, "well, and... haha, never mind that," she assures her, vaguely, before she looks back to the screen again, expression still warmed. "But my Elisa has always honoured me, cherished me, exalted me above all else! Please, do not think her a tyrant just for -- for having feelings to be hurt. She is doing her very best for me. Mamulya," her mama, more fondly, "she's proud I've found such a considerate woman to keep me. There are men who force their wives to things which disquiet their hearts, but my Elisa has never forced my hand. Always, she asks me. Wants to know how I feel. She is so thoughtful about my wishes and desires -- Leyasha, I want for nothing."
Yuliana's smile grows a touch fragile, again, as she says: "If my inconsiderate, thoughtless words led you to believe awful things about her... I couldn't bear it."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
She can certainly see Yuliana's expression is shattering here, but Leina DOES want to understand. It's just, she can't understand how any of what she says is a good thing.
"I - Yuliana." She folds her hands and both are placed in front of her lips, she hesitates, and- "If that's how she shows her affection - then how can you say it won't hurt anymore? For you, or anyone else? I don't understand and I want to! But you're asking for a lot of faith in something that - wanted me to suffer for my existence."
Leina asks quietly, a serious look in her seagreen eyes, "Can you prove that it'll be like that, even for you? For everyone else? So many horrible things throughout history have been done because people took it on faith that - a better world would be the result."
And Leina's hands curl in her lap, the hands gripping at the denim of her jeans. "Alright. Then... why now? Why does this have to be now? Any of this?" But her panic, as she-
"I'm not trying to upset you. I'm just telling you how it came across." Leina tells her gently, "And I was worried, hearing it. About you."
She then tells her she's doing it for her wife, and Leina- "Well... that's concerning too." Leina indicates, because, "Because you almost danced yourself to death out of love for her, when that's obviously what she didn't want either."
After a time, she indicates, "I think her grief would be far worse if you died. So, is it really better that you keep risking yourself for even something she really wants this badly?"
She asks again, "You're pushing yourself so hard, for an outcome that... feels like it's more likely to get you killed, than anything. And for something that - it sounds like you're not really able to prove that it'd be better for anyone. That - I'm just required to trust that it'll be better for everyone."
And she says it in her eyes, that's a really hard sell, but in the end, is it concern for Yuliana?
"I'm not trying to compare them. I'm just - trying to tell you why it's hard for me to accept the idea that anyone knows best. So many people out there have visions for the world which - they believe they know best on."
Doctor Hell believed - believes he knows what's best for the world, for example. And then as Yuliana speaks that way, there's a slow blink, and-
-she speaks of restraint, and her eyes open wide, as she arches an eyebrow. And- well she understands the latter implication.
"I understand that's how you were brought up, but Yuli. Where I'm from, having a spouse that won't strike you is the bare minimum? If Banagher ever hit me - that'd probably be it."
She tells her quietly, "Right then and there. I'd walk out on him. I promise I'm not accusing Doctor Kafim of anything - I was just worried based on how you made it sound."
And indeed, it does sound coercive, because for how many years did Yuliana live without her believing something like any of this was the answer? That it was only when Elisa came into her life that she was convinced.
"I promise then, I won't think ill of her from what you told me. But whenever you do say something that makes me worry? I have to point it out to you, because I worry about you - okay? Is that fair?"
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"It won't," Yuliana insists, "for when this world does not tear at the world which is to come, the pain will cease. It is not Her will, but the conflict, the clinging of this world that causes all this pain!"
She frowns, glancing aside. "I had the vision," she says, "some months prior. I said the words, but I knew not their meaning. Now my Elisa has made sense of me, and now we must act." ... she says 'we,' but it's Elisa who decided the time was right.
As she should. As Yuliana asked of her.
Why... why does she feel so wretched, hearing Leina worry about her? What is there to worry about? Nothing, there's nothing --
(If it were really nothing, Yuliana would stop bringing it up. ... and really, doesn't that mean she's the one doing wrong, here?)
Yuliana frowns, shoulders sinking. "If I died, my Elisa would shatter the very sky," she sighs, after a moment. "She would know grief without ending, I am certain. But -- but that is why the Threshold Queen is my armour. I am not wounded, inside her. EMPTEAR grasps my heart, such that I do not unravel it with my power... not only focus, but sublimination, protection, control. She has made sure I will be safe. Were it possible, she would take the burden on herself, but..." She sighs, again. "... only I can do this."
She at least seems to accept that it's Leina struggling to accept the truth. That's not entirely what Leina said, of people knowing best, but it's what Yuliana hears; and Yuliana, at least, won't argue with that.
Her arms slip about her midsection, tentacles coiling over them, as Leina processes the truth of marriage. She frowns, and murmurs, "Is that how it is...?" She wonders how wretched Spacenoid marriages must be, that everyone is so pent up, unwilling to express their anger or their anguish.
But... it's how she made it sound.
"... okay," Yuliana says, looking away. "It is... good, that you would highlight the implications of my rambling. So often, I do not see the harm I have done, acting without thinking. I do not like to hurt my wife. I just -- I can't help it -- I just do things, and I don't consider the ramifications at all..."
She takes a deep breath, and heaves a deeper sigh, returning her gaze to the camera. "As it was, yesterday. Can you... forgive me for being so possessed of my rage, Leyasha? I... I'd grown so angry over those negotiations, I destroyed the whole gymnasium... my Elisa joined me in smashing everything, but seeing my anger, she said we needn't bear it. We could make them pay for what they did... I didn't stop to consider my approach at all. I just gathered my people, I went..."
Her fins wilt, again, behind her ears. "I regret what I did -- the way I did it -- the victory the Republic clawed from it, too. But I cannot bear you to think less of me. My rage has ever left me alone, at its ending." Her eyes close, briefly. "Though She is always with me, of course... and my Elisa would never leave me. Mm... that's all I need, but... oh..." Grief veils her eyes, again, when they open. "Don't leave me," she says, strangle-hush.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Yuliana doesn't seem to understand, that in Leina's eyes, right now when she speaks of visions. "But - you're asking me to take that all on faith on your interpretation of visions."
She sounds like Rita.
"In the past - prophets justified such horrible things based on visions. Rita? She committed suicide based on her visions."
Leina looks her in the eye, "I'm not saying it's the same but I'm saying I can't just take it without proof." Couldn't Leina with Rita's vision though? Isn't that what brought her to space?
Well... actually no, because in the end it was just hedging her bets not unlike Pascal's wager. Rita's visions had already proven unreliable with Metis.
"You're not always in Emptear though." Leina points out, "You were in Da Xukong just the other day. And I doubt that even Emptear is infallible, invincible - even if it is powerful."
Yuliana though seems to calm, and, Leina takes a moment, to take a breath, "Just. I want to hear your thoughts, your feelings. No matter how it sounds, that's important to me. So don't hold back."
She lets her listen, and her eyes wander down, and she closes her eyes, as her hands pat together, once, twice, thrice, so lightly they don't make a sound. It's a repetitive gesture.
"Yuli. What you did was very upsetting. I won't say it wasn't. But I will say that it's never too late to come back from something like that." She has to believe that, after she allowed Char back into Sayla's life, "My little sister - she killed a lot of civilians for even less reason than you did."
She eyes her and in this moment there is grief, "And yet that doesn't change the fact that I still wish she were still here with us. But I still - I need to ask, no, demand, better of you going forward."
Does that mean she thinks Yuli is a bad person? No but... it definitely means she thought her behavior was bad.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"I am not the interpreter," Yuliana shakes her head. "I receive Her wisdom, but I am -- disjointed. It is my Elisa who discerns Her meaning." And it may serve as a terrible echo of the way Leina encouraged Yuliana to find her own meaning, in the miracles she has wrought.
"But... She would not send me this vision," Yuliana shakes her head. "To kill myself? No. No! I -- I won't say I don't struggle with destroying myself, at times," she glances down, at her legs, and doesn't explain as she looks to the camera again. "But She would never demand it. My wife would never allow it."
(Would Elisa go against Her wishes, if She were to demand such a thing? Yuliana suspects her wife would fight even an unconquerable power, but -- but it is a pointless thing to wonder. She loves Yuliana; She would never wish her harmed.)
"Even Da Xukong is designed to safeguard me," Yuliana frowns, but she can't -- entirely, for sure -- say that Emptear is an unsinkable ship.
She'd love to, but she has many years of military experiences.
She's seen a lot of ships sunk.
Yuliana frowns, hugging her arms about her midsection, all coiled about with her tentacles. "What do you think I'm trying to do?" She insists, a shade petulant, all sinking down. "I'm trying!" She spoke to her wife -- she asked to spare them -- what more does Leina want?!
"There's only so much I can do," she says, and not without despair. "Much weighs on me. But -- but I do not wish to be this person," she says, tone lowering. "A person who brings terror to the common man. Never have I wanted this, Leyasha. I am... I regret that I was incited to such rash action." She blinks a little rapidly, but at least manages not to look away. "I wish I had not. And my Elisa, she is bothered, as well, that she did not anticipate the Republic's provocation. You know, she feels she has lapsed in her responsibility, Leyasha. This is not the result we desired."
She takes a breath, hands lifting, uncurling, to clasp by her chest; her fingers rest, delicately, upon her wedding ring. "I am trying," she insists, and manages to make it sound a little less defensive when she tries again: "I will... try, to be more mindful. All right?" She won't say she'll do better -- but only because it hurts too much to think she was doing poorly, before.
But a chime sounds, on her phone, and Yuliana frowns as she leans forward to silence it with a tap. "Leyasha, the rescue mission is upon us," she says, brow knit. "I know you hate this, just the same, but we promised we would help. I must gear up, and we must go. Don't... don't think ill of me," she says, and she's not sure if it's a plea or a request.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
It is again, concerning that Elisa decides the meaning. Who can even say that she's telling the truth? "Okay - it's just, it's worrying when you tell me she unmakes you as a sign of affection. Like you understand how that sounds right?"
Leina makes eye contact as she asks that. Understanding the implication.
"Sure it is, but you saw how fragile it could be last mission right?"
What more does Leina want? Leina doesn't answer her questions at first, she just looks at her. "I can take it by your words that you do mean that, but- when trust is broken. It takes time to build it back up."
Leina considers how best to put this, "I trusted before that you don't want to bring terror to the common man - but you did. I need to see what you do going forward from here."
And indeed, that's not how it'll work with other organizations at all? It'll be treated as terrorism if she's caught, and prosecuted - if she's prosecuted. If she wasn't to be handed back to the REA.
"Okay, if you have to go. Then, show me, going forward. I'll judge your actions with my own eyes."
Is what she tells her, "If you don't want me to think ill of you - then show me the sincerity in those words in what you do from here on out. That's all I ask."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"I..." Yuliana hesitates, when Leina asks her whether she sees how worrying Her affection is. "I know it is difficult to understand." Every time she speaks of it...
She should not speak of it.
She hums vague assent, when Leina asks about Da Xukong 0's fragility. It is, of course, under repairs. Improvements. But she'll not say that, to her.
Yuliana grimaces, when Leina says she'll judge her, but -- she does her the mercy of not laying into her, about such a cruel decision. (It's nothing but a fantasy, of course. The only person who could judge Yuliana is her wife.)
"I'll spare them, if I can," she promises that much. "... if I can. See you later, all right? And... mm... I... mm," she hums, again, struggling to find a way she can bear to say it. "... I appreciate that you answered the phone. Until next time."
She leans forward, and presses the button to end the call, before she drapes over the couch bonelessly.
"Ahh, she's a selfish girl," Yuliana mutters, to the ceiling, left to the privacy of herself. "Even when she saw how upset I was... cheh! Authority is already changing her." Her head lolls, against the back of the couch, staring at her outstretched hand. "She's so lucky I've been there..."
Her fingers flex, and grasp, and she pushes herself straight again. She pats her leg -- just checking -- and stands, stretching out, up onto her tiptoes and tentacles reaching out. "But I suppose I feel a little better," she reflects, tucking her phone back away. "Well, she is a loyal girl. I guess I did get all worked up over nothing. Haah, now to work..."
... but when Yuliana's trading in her robes for her operative's catsuit, she makes sure to put non-lethal darts on her belt.
She did promise she'd try, and she's no reason to renege this one.