2023-09-16: .our inevitable confrontation is desired by neither of uS
- Log: .our inevitable confrontation is desired by neither of uS
- Cast: Leina Ashta, Yuliana Kafim
- Where: Magallanica / The Silent Castle
- Date: 2023-09-16
- Summary: Leina finally manages to get in contact with Yuliana, after a week of missed and dropped calls. Yuliana can't accept Leina's new job so easily, but she at least admires the knife she's planted in Anaheim's back. But when Leina realises Yuliana's grown upset, the conversation turns to her own faults -- and not, surely, any flaws in her marriage. (CW: Emotional abuse/coercive control)
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Magallanica was an interesting experience for Leina. In so much as that she's not used to the idea of a dead Colony being rebuilt, refashioned. She's used to them being abandoned.
It was slow going, but the parts of it that once were Industrial 7 became more and more livable.
It needed to be done before the first refugees showed up, however it made the living space most of the time - the Ra Mari II, with mobile suit driven commutes to the central communications terminal of Magallanica.
The rail wasn't back up and running yet, you see.
She'd been up here far longer than she'd ever intended, wanting to go straight back to her recovery - but that hadn't been permitted by circumstances.
One of them, for example, being seen as an existential threat to humanity by the powers that be.
However... negotiations were all but complete at this point. Soon the Norn would be transferred to the Orbital Ring under heavy guard.
And then she'd be going home.
What an unusual ride it's been, coming up here to solve one crisis - and having the entire course of one's life changed.
In her eyes, she got off easy.
She's been struggling and negotiating and navigating the fallout with multiple people ever since - but one person she'd kept calling without answer was...
... Yuliana.
"Hm. Maybe today."
Leina suggested optimistically, as she inexpertly worked with the communications equipment to set up for a Face Time with her phone.
However, she didn't answer all those other times with an unknown number? Checking the manual, she looked at one feature.
... It was worth a try.
It's an unfamiliar phone number that asks to be accepted, just like the other times, but strangely, the rings are in an uneven rhythm, and uneven length.
Short Long Short Short
Short
Long Short Long Long
If Yuliana doesn't end the call right away her brain might register it differently.
L-E-Y-
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
OST: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RWdnAal2tJw Icon for Hire - Curse or Cure
A week's stretched out, between here and Denver's end. Aside from her day of mourning, Yuliana hasn't left the Castle; for days she was too wrecked to leave, and once she recovered her cognition and her capacity she knew it was too complicated to do so. They've attracted attention, in the wake of her impulsive actions. Parminder's had his work cut out for him keeping everyone out, and even he has to admit that there's bound to be some worms which have slipped under his nose. His advice: don't access anything important on the network for a while.
Oh, and don't tear his head off if communications suddenly disconnect or fail to connect at all. Phone calls might be a bit dodgy for a while, and email's FUBAR. Natural cause-slash-effect of so many attack vectors. Cope, queens. Don't you guys have, like, evil blood mirrors to talk to people by now anyway?
Yuliana, at least, does not have an evil blood mirror. What she does have is her diary, which has been disconnected from the Castle's intranet for security purposes. (Elisa knows her passwords, so it won't much stop her from coming in and reading it, but she'll have to pick up the tablet itself to do so.) With Elisa occupied with the recent excitement, she's left to pour out her thoughts alone, all rugged up in some extra furs. ... despite the fireplace crackling away, she's still feeling a little chilly.
And not just that.
I feel so... lost. I know I have saved this Earth; I know I was magnificent. But each time I try to explain what I did, the words fall like sand through my fingertips, and I plunge to madness. Is what I did simply so mad? Elya says always that I am her miracle, but miracles always seemed the realm of the Newtype, to me. That I could do something so miraculous... that Ritechka could continue my work... it unsettles me. The tablet registers a longer pause, as Yuliana forgets to buy time with punctuation, tapping her finger to the touchscreen idly. Are their works just some faint echo of my own? Some fumbling first attempt which leaves them bleeding...?
I can at least be assured that I am not this way. I admit I was dazed, leaving Emptear -- but undamaged. Well... Another pause, shorter, and mostly compensated by the punctuation -- I suppose Emptear was made because I was injured opening the Gate with my flesh and my blood, but... it's hardly equivalent, right? When they are left battered, they are in their machines. That Psychoframe...
Yuliana frowns down at her tablet, and writes nothing, for a moment, before moving to another paragraph entirely.
Oh, it's caused Elya no end of trouble. They keep trying to infiltrate our networks, get access to our communications. They want that Psychoframe back, I'm sure. They want to damn more souls just to win a few more battles! I hate them. They would make such profanity, forge so many Newtypes, just for the sake of their victory!
More short delays, as she commits to tablet: ... the Empress was right. I'm too hot-blooded... I need to be more calm. Well... I've been feeling colder, lately...
And then a lapse of input which will last quite a very long time, as Yuliana's phone rings. She'll have to remember to explain it, when she finishes the entry, so Elisa doesn't worry.
Her phone gets several rings in as she confirms for herself that the various security layers are still active; she can't place the number, but her ears pick up something else, in the pattern of the ringing. It's a danger, of course -- but at length she's too curious about whether that code is right to care about the security risk. Answering her phone, she holds it up, video capturing her harried expression, the way her fins flare out from either side of her face. "Leyasha?" She demands -- she confirms -- relief in her voice and her eyes before anger supplants them. "You're... no, what happened to you?! I have been trying to ring! All WEEK! You can't just ignore me!"
Yuliana says she's been trying to ring, but... no calls have come through, for Leina. Even so, she doesn't look like she's lying...
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Leina's face appears at that moment, clarion clear, with a tiny strip of satin in her hair, curled around into a bow on a barrette.
There's this relieved look as she initially listens to her tirade, and a small laugh, "Trying to ring me all week? I've been trying to ring you! You realize we're out past the Moon right? And with all those earth-shattering events, the Minovsky interference is bad! Normal phone calls don't stand a prayer of making it!"
She pats something in front of her, metallic sounding, "Which is why I've been trying to call you again and again with Magallanica's state of the art and one of a kind communications system, but you kept not picking up!"
A smile reaches her green eyes, "Ignoring you. I was worried you were ignoring me. You have no idea how relieved - and happy it makes me to hear that it was just something like that!"
Even with all that anger and hostility Yuliana used to open the call, she's smiling - relieved and happy...
"Okay, you start first then - since you were so eager to contact me! What'd you want to talk about?"
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Leina laughs, and at once Yuliana's fins wilt, lowering down, as what she's saying registers in her mind. "I... you were trying?" She asks, anger fleeing her voice. "Of course, that far out... and the troubles..." Yuliana looks away; a frown knitting her face, pulling at that sinister scar down her face. "... excuse me," she mumbles, embarrassed. "I was too harsh."
(It's hard to figure out how to feel about Leina being happy at being yelled at, but certainly it takes the wind out of her own aggressive sails.)
Yuliana shakes her head. "I wasn't -- oh, let me explain," she insists, a shade exasperated. "Our communications have been... compromised, lately. Several spying efforts... Letda's good, but he's just one man, so we've had to take a lot of things offline to stop people from getting in. I'm sure it will calm down soon... my Elisa's busy putting everyone at ease. But you've been calling from unknown numbers!" She insists, as if it's Leina's fault. "Even if they came through, I couldn't just trust something like that!"
A beat, "... though, I suppose calling in Morse was clever. Not that I didn't think it wasn't the Republic having another go at me, when I first recognised it... but I was curious enough to fall for it, I guess." Grumble, grumble.
"Anyway." Her video jerks, a little, as she leans her phone back in its cradle so she can sit back on the couch without holding it in a hand. (She's dressed warmly, and, of course, all in black.) "You've pushed yourself too hard, lately, you know. I just -- felt obligated to check in with you and make sure you had returned to your convalescence, with -- all these nonsense pressures placed on you. You'll never recover if you deploy to every crisis on this Earth."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"It's alright."
Leina tells her almost right away to saying she was too harsh.
And then she listens when it comes to their own communications problems. The explanation, makes perfect sense to Leina, in fact in some ways - it makes more sense to her than Yuliana, as she's been involved in the clandestine political negotiations.
"It's because the Fed just quietly passed multiple statutes regulating Psycho-frame. After Gryps II, and Denver - it's their belief that a Psycho-frame arms race would irrevocably change the face of war forever."
She gestures towards Yuliana as if to prompt her, "And you absconded with perhaps the largest known stockpile of it, since all known manufacturing equipment was seized. So small wonder that they're spying on you!"
And then as if to indicate solidarity in a sense, "And I couldn't just call you on my phone because they'd secretly declared me an existential threat to humanity as a part of all this. They froze everything they could, tried to spy on me - it's been... a mess! A real mess!"
She doesn't harp on the cleverness, on Yuliana complimenting her in her own way. And what she says next...
"I agree. None of this was supposed to happen. Even Gryps II... I didn't want to go, Rita just made me feel like I had to." She explains, "The plan always was to go home immediately after and continue my recovery but the whole... 'existential threat to humanity' that came from that kinda messed it all up."
There's an exasperated sigh as she looks down and sideways, away from the screen, "Honestly, it sucks. But there's hope. I had to make certain, deals, and guarantees with the Earth Federation and an intermediary but - fingers crossed-!" And indeed she lifts both hands and crosses her fingers, "It means I get to go home soon. Maybe even this week!"
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana frowns, hearing Leina's explanation. "As if I'd trust them with such a thing," she scowls, of the Psychoframe she stole.
A light pause, before she adds: "I... admit I wasn't... thinking clearly, at the time. The tortures of Newtypes really oughtn't be my first priority, given how reticent they are to be relieved. It... has made things more complicated, I'll say that much. But I was designed to irrevocably change the face of war myself, you know. Of course I'd be angry!"
And her frown deepens, hearing what Leina's been suffering. "Rita should not have placed that weight on you," Yuliana insists, at length. "Neither the Federation. These deals of yours -- are you safe, Leyasha?" She is, of course, suspicious, though her paranoia at least doesn't seem to be aimed at Leina now. "I will not have you sacrifice yourself to the altar of military sensibilities. I can retrieve you within the hour --"
It's a possessive sort of defensiveness, but her heart's in the right place, probably, more or less, as Leina witnesses an international incident beginning to spool out in front of her eyes.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"I wouldn't either." Leina says after a moment. Though then she listens to her speak of of how she wasn't thinking clearly.
The tortures of 'Newtypes'... 'Tortures like I myself faced.' is translated in her head.
Is it messed up? Perhaps, but she at least understands.
"Of course you would be." Leina says after a moment, softly, eyes full of sympathy, "It's only understandable."
And indeed...
"She shouldn't have, no. But she did. And so it was the choice of denying fate, or risking everyone I loved and cared about."
And when one puts it that way? "You'd have done the same I think, even if you were in recovery."
As for the safety problem? She looks sideways, rubbing an arm, "My life has changed so much in such a short time. With everything the Vist Foundation did to me... and everything that happened up here - it's never going to be the same life I can go back to. To the Federation Government, I'm not Leina Ashta, nor Puru One."
Neither girl, nor victim.
"I'm the pilot of Singularity Two. A weapon that holds the possibility of blocking their strongest weapons of mass destruction - of creating incidents like Denver of their own accord. Or- simply rewinding time around their strongest weapons, unmaking them."
There's a quiet sigh at this admission. "It terrifies them, just as Nuclear Weapons used to in the days before the Minovsky particle. And so that's the deal we've set up."
A deal for safety, or what?
Leina looks back to Yuliana in that moment, "Magallanica will keep the Unicorn. Whereas the Banshee will go to a security organization with a broad mandate towards enforcing such things known as Cathedra. It is a plan of... deterrence of sorts, to prevent such weapons from being used casually. In the event of a Psycho-field related event, I will fly the Norn for them, in defense."
There is a sigh, and a smile, "I'm grateful that you'd be willing to cause an international incident, but I'm making this deal of my own free will, because as much as I hate to admit it..."
There's this, soft shake of her head, as if 'I can't believe I'm saying this', "... but I agree with the Earth Federation in this regard. The last thing humanity needs is a Psycho-frame arms race. And in the event they don't possess a means of defending against one - it would place them in the position of being forced to make more of such weapons until they felt safe. So I've given them one."
She does hold up a palm in that moment as if to ask her to wait just a moment before responding, "I know how that sounds, I promise, I'm not being taken off to some lab or something - in fact, Cathedra and the Earth Federation are invested in my safety since I'm possibly the only one that can pilot the Norn. They're offering me the opportunity to live my life how I'd like otherwise. To go to the university, to live my life. Just - I might be called upon for the occasional mission."
There's a soft chuckle, and an exasperated shake of her head, "They want to keep me happy, so that I wouldn't decide to turn on them during such a high stakes mission." She says wryly, as if fully understanding their intent.
"It's... not the life I would have wanted for myself, not entirely." She admits to Yuliana, "But, there are strong upsides." She gives her a more serious look, "They're scared Yuliana, the Federation Assembly. They've realized that labs like the one you came from? Are going to result in more weapons like this."
A beat.
"They've given Cathedra broad enforcement authority to shut down all such facilities, even ones that are government sponsored."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
It's a decent enough translation, whether the 'I' in that sentence refers to Leina or Yuliana; but Yuliana has never known the transgression of mind-reading, so she can hardly tell her that.
At least Leina understands. It means Yuliana's own anger can simmer, instead of boiling over. "Of course," she scowls, speaking of fate and Rita's demands, "but it wasn't fair!"
Yuliana does have strong feelings about equality, after all.
She glowers, as Leina explains who she is to the Federation. "Ch," a scornful noise clicked through her teeth. (She didn't pick up the habit from Zoltan, but hanging around him certainly didn't help.) "Of course that's what they think of us," not you, "so limited are their eyes!"
Yuliana is no less cross, meeting Leina's gaze across so much empty space. She's familiar with the impact of nuclear warfare, of course. And she's familiar with Cathedra's security, though the details have always eluded them. So, that deterrence...
Her arms fold, leaning back against the couch, fingers drumming against the black furs at her elbow. The sound is dulled, near to nothing. "You know how this sounds, of course," she says, completely sour. "That you are safe because you are useful. Because you are unique! Ask me, Leyasha, how safe I was in that situation, under the Federation's gentle ministrations." Her lip curls with unfettered contempt. "I tell you, they will gut you the minute they can replicate you."
The drumming speeds up. She's agitated.
"Though -- I'll admit -- Cathedra's reputation doesn't seem entirely aligned to the Federation's practices. Entirely. If they're shutting down the grinders..." She growls, one too many teeth bared. "You're a fool!" She snaps, in anger. "But God forbid you start listening to me, now. If it's the same situation, it won't matter a whit what I say, but to drag you to yet more misery, so -- I'll say not a thing to you of it!"
Sayla will get an angry text message as soon as she can actually get one out through the communication blockades, though, demanding she make sure her daughter hasn't been brainwashed again.
Yuliana glowers at some point behind her phone, in silent anger, for a moment. Her fins fan out, behind her ears, as if they could flap that heat from her head. "... it's... at least noble enough that you'd stop them for rushing for the next war crime," she cedes, finally. "Though... no doubt they'll send you against me, unless they were fool enough to blame what happened on the Phenex."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"It wasn't." Leina agrees, "Not very much is. And Rita can be very unfair." She says, as if Yuliana would understand quite well...
... though at the same time Yuliana has been quite unfair to Rita.
And indeed, Leina agrees with Yuliana on the subject, "They don't get it, but we could spend the rest of our lives trying to make them understand and get nowhere. They don't experience things as we do. They only see the utility and the application."
There's a quiet sigh on that, even as Yuliana meets her gaze, "Of course I know how it sounds. I promise you, I'm not stupid. Which is why we're not just going to take them at their word. But if they are dealing in bad faith-? They're very good at hiding it, a part of my deal was..."
She eyes Yuliana, "... they can conduct no testing themselves. No labs. No physicals. While they have a vested interest in my health, my primary care physician still handles everything."
She then adds to her, "They're scared. They're genuinely scared. They thought they had all the answers and now they've discovered just where this can lead. You didn't see what Banagher did up there."
Leina pauses for a moment... is this too much? She decides not, if she's already telling her this much.
"He rewound time around every single mobile suit the General Revil had - disassembled them all to their component parts, with a gesture."
And then she emphasizes, "And that was before Denver." Where the General Revil met its end. "There's going to always be people without ethics that want to push the boundaries in labs with people like you or me, but that's no longer acceptable. Before they saw it as a way to uphold their status quo, but now they see it as a threat."
Still, she does wince at Yuliana calling her a fool, and looking down, "I get it." She sighs, "You'll always have misgivings, and so will I - but this is something only I can do Yuliana. The Banshee won't accept any other pilot. Replicating another me for it isn't... really possible."
She looks straight forward at her in the eyes again, a gentle smile on her face, "The alternative is that I renege, and Anaheim? Gets to go back to doing what they please. The Earth Federation tries to replicate the two of us with new Full Psycho-Frame Units because they're terrified that we might decide to change the world by force one day."
A beat.
"And I lose all hope of a life even partially of my choosing. I could never go back home. I couldn't finish school. I want to get married - have children some day Yuliana. It's not just my own future that I'm thinking of."
She holds up a hand, in a mollifying gesture, "As part of the deal, the entire Three Ships Alliance is being given a clean slate too. Full exonerations. Citizenships restored. Assets unfrozen."
But, would they send her against her? Leina considers this for a time, then, "They cannot send me against you in that way. The Norn is being categorized as solely for Psycho-Field deterrence and defense. However, I am joining their Dominicus Corps as a reserve member."
A momentary pause and a sigh, "I won't say it's impossible that I might be sent on missions against... your activities in another mobile suit... but I very much doubt it'd be in the way you're thinking, as some sort of 'assassin'."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"The situation did create that sort of person," Yuliana sighs, which might be as close as she'll get to saying that she's also unfair.
Still... experiencing things as we do...
It troubles her, but not enough to speak of it, yet. Instead, Yuliana listens, as Leina insists on her cleverness and the Federation's fear.
Her frown only deepens, hearing what Banagher did.
"That's what they said of me," Yuliana snaps, bitter, when Leina insists that she can't be replicated. "They brought me them, the vats, to figure out what secret they'd lacked. And dared to be shocked when I killed her! Again and again they tried and failed to recreate me, and again and again I was safe. Until," she adds, a snarl to her lips and her tone, "they grew desperate enough."
She won't trust it. Perhaps she can't trust it, all the reasons why etched into her brain and her bones.
"You shouldn't be asked to clean up their mess," Yuliana grumbles, glaring at the mention of the Three Ships Alliance. "But... if it's for your sake..." She glances away, frowning at the fireplace. "I can't very well pretend I'm happy about it, but I do hope it works out as you'd wish."
Yuliana pauses, then, and frowns, growing quiet again. Her gaze shifts away from the video; her brow knits.
"It's... I'm..."
Of course, she can't speak about the sacred Voidframe with Leina, particularly now she's admitted to being their enemy. She can't talk about what she did, in Emptear. It's better if Leina doesn't realise at all.
Her throat feels tight. She smiles through it, returning her gaze to the camera feed. "... glad," she pretends she was saying all along, "to hear you will not fight me this way, Leyasha."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"Well... they have... Doctor Murasame's notes to back it up, how near impossible it would be to, recreate what happened." Is what Leina eventually says, "They caught him you know." She tells her, "Mom and- others, a professional bounty hunter. He was being defended by a very early REA supersoldier experiment that he'd... given to Bionet when the REA rejected it."
She doesn't know all the details? She was spared that, but she found out enough, "And he's not going to a place where he might simply be freed when... the political winds shift. Mrs. Vist-Carbine won't be either, she's being held by GGG."
She leans forward, giving Yuliana a reassuring look, "Yuli. You may have heard on the news about Anaheim's acquisition? It wasn't... a willing one, contrary to what they put out on the PR releases. I did that. This deal did that. I don't think the Powers that be would have allowed Anaheim to fall if they were planning on just screwing me over the first chance they got."
And indeed, Yuli would know how much power Anaheim has in the Assembly with the AEUG, their bought and paid for political party.
"Like, I don't trust them entirely - but if they were going to earn some trust back? I honestly can't think of a better way to do it."
There's a soft chuckle, and- "Well... it's part of setting up this system of deterrence. I'm sure what they're actually hoping for is their ranks to be depleted by desertion under the realization they can go home."
A beat...
"But I think what they're doing out here is important enough that not many will. And... like I told Captain York, it's not just for them. I'm not just making myself a sacrifice. It's my own way of showing that our message of good will wasn't fake - that I'm willing to do my part towards progress."
It is the purview of the young to try and work towards progress isn't it? To think they can change the world. And yet, for all the ways she's come to accept she cannot force the world to take the shape she wants...
... she believes still, after all this, that she can nudge it, be one of millions of people nudging it towards a better world.
And on her final words, on the struggle, Leina looks at her for a time, surprised, then smiles. "I'm glad too. I've never wanted to fight you. You know that right?"
It doesn't mean she won't, as proven time and time again...
... but, to care enough to not want to fight her? That's not nothing, even if the willingness to do so still exists.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"She did say she'd be tracking him down," Yuliana says, of Murasame. "It's good they got him." The breath she takes in, hearing what happened, is ragged enough to be audible.
As with the way her eyes close, briefly.
"But -- they're not an 'it'," she insists, thinly. "The Republic doesn't experiment on things. Things... are more valuable than human lives... to the DHZ."
It might be strange, perhaps -- thinking that someone like Yuliana might be the first person to dehumanise the horrific clown that became of him.
But the REA's super-soldiers see each other, even if from a distance.
The only difference between her and him, is...
Her hands have tightened, around her arms, hugging herself to herself. Still, she opens her eyes, to look at Leina as she speaks again. "That was you, was it?" She says, and swallows. "Well... good work. You've achieved more than many men set out to, destroying Anaheim's foundations." She's still evidently sceptical, but she is proud of Leina for putting a knife in Anaheim's back, at least.
She has nothing nice to say about the Alliance; she elects to say nothing at all. Her lips press together, thin.
Her eyes blink, a shade too rapidly, when Leina poses that last question to her.
"I know," she insists, her voice a shade raw. "I know, all right? I don't -- know why but -- I get it. I don't..." Her eyes blink heavily, and shut, again. Her nostrils flare with a sharp breath. "I'm sure, left to your own devices, you'd be pleased enough to help me," she supposes, at length.
"But just as I'd complicate negotiations for Elya, if I heard what those wretched old men had to say about me... I'll complicate things for you, Leyasha. I ca--" she catches herself, insists: "I won't explain myself, but..."
If her cheeks are looking a little shinier, it might be a trick of the firelight.
"... just go and live a normal life," she insists, eyes still screwed shut. "You deserve that much. Study what interests you, wear the wedding dress which speaks to you... don't worry, all right?"
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"Ah. I-" Leina stumbles, awkwardly upon her words as admonishes her and... "That was, I mispoke. My apologies. His self-denial exercises... I sometimes..."
She stops, and rather than finishing those words, moves on in another way, "...I'm sorry, it wasn't my intention."
Hastily she tries to move on, feeling bad about triggering her, "It was... more a group effort." Leina indicates, "I didn't handle the negotiations but - what I offered for them to put on the table made it possible."
She notably doesn't tell her about the Rena facet of the deal. Nor does she invoke Mineva - better to keep those details out of her mind. But she admits that she knows... and Leina... there's so many reasons she could give for it, but in the end... right now in this moment.
"... I choose to. That's all. If I had it my way..."
If she had it her way... what? She doesn't finish that statement, as if it moves somewhere else, into this place of abstracted wishes for a better world that will likely never come true.
... If her cheeks look a little shinier, then Leina doesn't say anything about her appearance, "It's okay. I promise. ... I... Thank you... I'll..."
And then closing her eyes to take a moment, to regain composure, a hand against her face, she regathers her thoughts.
"Normal. I don't know if 'normal' is in the cards for me. Maybe that was closed off to me the day I left Shangri-La. Maybe..."
She opens her seagreen eyes that are just a touch wet, peeling her hand away from her face, and beams at her, "... maybe there's just me. Maybe there's just my life. And in all the ways it's not turned out exactly how I expected or wanted. It's still mine. And - I'll still reach for the things I want from it, no matter what twists and turns it takes on me."
And then softer, quieter.
"Isn't it that way for you too?"
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"It's -- fine. It's fine. All will be well," Yuliana assures Leina -- or herself -- quietly. "You're not at fault for his poisons."
She could blame Leina, certainly.
... but it feels like blaming herself.
"I'm sure you're being modest," she says, and even tries to smile, when Leina insists taking down Anaheim was a group effort. "Just accept my pride, would you?" She can't quite manage smiling, under this conversation, but even given all her misgivings -- she's pleased to hear what Leina's wrought.
(She'll still make sure it's what she's wrought, of course. Yuliana has always been a paranoid woman. Once bitten, twice shy, she sees Leina agreeing to fight for the enemy and can't be sure she's agreed at all. Even if this seems a little more like something Leina would do... what if they've just grown more clever, in the second iteration?)
She sits with her misery, as Leina promises it's okay. The tension on her own lips doesn't welcome a smile, all twisted into each other, a thin line of red where her fang catches on the flesh again.
"There are things I must do," she says, oblique. A little hitch, and she insists on her clarification: "Things I want. Of course, I'll tear them from the sky. I'm the only one who can. I alone have the power to right the wrongs of this world without burning myself to ashes. I was afraid... I was a fool, second-guessing myself. Too limited by the sight of what you cannot do to see what I can."
She swallows, again, sniffing sharply.
"Mm... my life's, so twisted up..."
A sentence with no ending.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
She feels at fault though, for the slip back into... that way of thinking. For a moment, she looks away, and just nods. "It's... still difficult..."
She admits, "... after everything we've done up here, it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking I've recovered enough... and then..."
A weak raise of her hand, a shake of her head, she knows that she's not there yet, as much as everything tells her she is, or has to be.
The world is changing so fast. She can't let herself get left behind. And yet...
She does allow a smile, and... "Alright. I'll at least say that - I took a large role in that happening."
In a way, it's strange. Once upon a time she pushed Judau to join the AEUG, that arm of Anaheim's. She truly believed that maybe they could manage something against that 'army of jerks', the Titans but...
... they let her down. They let them all down. More than that, they hurt her more.
It's time for a change.
For all of Yuliana's misery, the tension of it all...
... the things she wants...
... are they truly the things she wants...
Or is she so twisted up by someone else's script for her?
In the end... "Twisted up. Good words for it." Leina says quietly, "For us both. But even as twisted as our lives are..."
She puts a hand to her chest, and...
"... still here. We're still here."
Time enough, to try and write their own script. If Leina has it her way, then Yuliana will get the chance. Even if she doesn't know how to give it to her.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"It comes back," Yuliana supplies, "when you least expect it."
Different as they might be on so many levels, on this one, Yuliana unfortunately understands Leina.
But... Leina will at least take credit for her works. God willing, they're her works. That, at least, would be comforting. Even if she'll destroy Yuliana, one day... it's not like Leina isn't talented.
It would have been easy for Leina to take too much credit, here. Easy for her to push too far. There are things which Yuliana can't say to her, as much as she'd like to. As much as she wishes she could talk to someone, she --
She just remembers Elisa getting so upset she screamed at her.
She remembers that, and feels wretched twice over.
But Leina doesn't demand to know too much. She just -- exists, with Yuliana, as her own chest trembles from ragged breath. They're still here, she says, and finally Yuliana opens her eyes -- it's impossible to say they're not tearstained, now -- to see what she's saying.
Her hand is creaky, as she disentangles it from where she'd barred her arms across her chest so tightly, but with stiff movements she presses her own hand to her heart, just the same.
"... it's so cold," Yuliana murmurs, her heart or her blood or the heat which doesn't quite manage to radiate from beneath her robes.
"Leyasha, I... wish your life were not so complicated. These entanglements... make life so difficult. We... both suffer a lack of focus, in truth. But... I don't wish for you to go. I... don't want to..."
She swallows, again, as her hand curls at something under the furs draped over her front. She can feel, at least, the comforting press of crystals against her skin.
"I am here," she affirms, at length, "under my Elisa's protection, and that is enough. All will be well."
Who said that?
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
When she least expects it. Unfortunately, even before she was under the care of the Vist Foundation, she would have known that's true.
Hundreds of little things that trigger those parts of memory, hundreds of little learned behaviors.
It's always the little things.
Indeed... it's interesting how she doesn't press so hard anymore. She earned answers. Elisa was even willing to give them to her. Deeper secrets that one can never unlearn.
Yet, perhaps she has implicitly understood ever since that day, the price of too much knowledge. The understanding of how utilizing it, would make her a target.
So she doesn't ask for too much. Indeed, she hasn't even finished evaluating the harm. It's different from what Rita did... it's different.
When she says it's so cold, she might see something unusual. Leina putting her hand forward, against the screen, the blur of her skin up so close against whatever camera the equipment is utilizing.
She doesn't even say anything for a time. It's as if she simply wanted to reach across the gap from Side 3 to the North Pole for... something as simple as human contact.
Eventually she withdraws it back...
"Hmmm." Leina hums softly at the idea of her life being more simple, less complicated, and... "You might be right. Even if Mom tells me all the time that she wants me to live the life I've chosen - I know she'd be more relieved if I chose a quiet life. Judau too."
There's another soft hum, in contemplation, "It wouldn't be so bad, right? ... But..." A soft sound, a smile, "... I think something would be missing... someone would be missing..."
How many people has she met because her life became so much more complicated? How many? Honestly, she can't count a single one since she left Shangri-La. Even the girls in her school, she only met because of everything that happened in the First War.
Banagher... Mineva... Renalle... Akane... Eight... Yuliana... Renais... Ramo... Sousuke... Tessa... Seolla... so many others... all of them complications.
"I'm not going anywhere. Friends are... a good kind of complication, right?"
Her final comment... is eerie in a sense, as if parroted. Leina tries not to look worried.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
It's different, and Yuliana even seems cognisant of it -- the way she gave up so easily when she worried that Leina was brainwashed, instead of digging in the knife. She's altered her behaviour. She's... trying?
She might be trying.
Yuliana's lips twist, and eventually she does smile -- even laughs, pale and wan though it is, seeing that blur of motion. "Stupid," she says, without much acid to it. "That's not how it works."
She feels her heart aching, under her palm, and swallows down the feeling. The only contact she needs is Elisa's contact. Why would she miss anything else?
Oh! Of course, she thinks, as the tension eases from her face. She misses her wife. Elisa's been gone all morning with her phone calls. Leina just made her think of what she was missing! That's all.
"One day," Yuliana sighs, "we will have a quiet life. One day, we will be happy." When the world is put to rights...
Yuliana swallows, again, and wipes at her eyes. "I wish," she says, her voice hitching again, "I wish it were so. But I am too trusting, and my heart too vast. So often I wound my wife, just because I say too much. Offer too much. You know I am a cruel woman, of course... though I wish I wouldn't hurt her so. It doesn't matter if I regret it, though, does it...? I'm always screwing something up... getting angry, saying the wrong thing... I don't think, Leyasha. It... it would be easier if I didn't have friends... why do I have to be so selfish?"
The worst part is that such a manipulative screed -- could have easily been something Yuliana would say to push Leina to a conclusion. It would be so easy to say that this is another of her feigned acts, in the light of so much evidence against her.
Except...
Expressing herself this way...
With no other way to mark the world, she wipes at her own tears, and curses herself for her tongue, too sharp and too loose.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Despite being called stupid, Leina doesn't even get mad, because in context it feels more like 'Dummy', affectionate with that wan smile and laugh.
"Doesn't it?" Leina rebuts softly, because despite it all, it brought human warmth in that smile and laugh.
When she was feeling so cold.
One day, the quiet life. Leina doubts it for herself, but... perhaps so.
And then... Leina's heart knots around itself, listening to her. At one point she inhales sharply, and yet.
Despite it all, despite where her brain is at...
...she...
"... You know, Banagher does a lot of things that upset me too. Says the wrong things. Meets the wrong people. Makes the wrong decisions." Leina becomes a little more animated with the passion of the moment, "One time, he went to the Sleeves for training. And at Gryps II, I almost lost him, because he followed Rita's advice... and went some place he almost couldn't come back from. It makes me so furious sometimes. Why can't he just have more sense?"
It's dangerous territory, and she knows it. She knows it. Placing herself in the position of Dr. Kafim...
"... but, despite how much trouble he causes me. I want him to be happy. I want him to be able to live his life. Maybe it'd be easier for everyone if he just did whatever I said?"
Leina just shakes her head, "But... what kind of relationship would that be?"
There's an understanding smile, "You've said before your wife isn't a controlling person right? And Elisa has told me to my face how much you value your independence - and how much she does in turn because of it."
As she lays out this fact, this logic in front of her, "So even if it causes trouble to her from time to time - I know that above all else, she'd want you to be happy."
But, there is an issue there isn't there? Even with this logic, why isn't Yuliana choosing her wife more often. Which is why she ends on. "She loves you. Remember? Not this selfless version of yourself that you think you have to be for her."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Not at all," Yuliana says, but smiling.
She's not as cold as Elisa is -- not yet.
Not... yet.
Yuliana's hand curls, around her lips and her chin, listening to Leina. She wonders whether Elisa would have those frustrations; certainly Elisa wants her to be happy.
What kind of relationship would...
Of course, Yuliana assures herself, Elisa isn't a controlling woman. "My Elisa would never demand I be selfless," she agrees, with a warm smile. "Really, she loves me all the more when I'm violent and cruel... it's beautiful." That's -- well, Yuliana says it as if it's reassuring.
"And she knows how important my independence is to me... how important it is to me that she trusts me. She's never..." But can she really say Elisa has never made her do anything? No -- no, surely -- "She's never made me do anything," Yuliana assures Leina, smiling again. Never mind the way she had to start the sentence twice. Because when Yuliana leapt to do those things --
It wasn't because Elisa demanded them, of course. It was because Yuliana felt so bad for hurting her.
"It's just -- I swore to be an obedient wife, Leyasha. And -- and that was me, you know -- I wrote my wedding vows. It's... important, there be a head of the family," because Yuliana may have escaped the REA, but the REA's still very much in her head. "Everything would fall apart if there were no accountability, like that. Usually it's the husband, but, well, you can imagine..." Yuliana shakes her head, with a patient -- if slightly strained -- smile as she explains the works of the family to Leina. "The point is, I offered myself to her. I basically asked her to take up the role. If I won't even keep our personal matters private... if I won't even trust my wife to solve the problems this world's causing me..."
Her hand drops, to curl at her chest again. "Being too familiar with friends -- really, I'm the one letting her down. She's so patient with me... she's so forgiving... but I only ever think about myself. You know, right? I... you've seen the same, I'm sure. I'm a difficult woman."
Yuliana laughs, and the sound is too thin.
"But it's embarrassing, talking so frankly about how awful I can be," she says, her smile fragile. "And my Elisa doesn't like me putting myself down like this, you know? She'd tell me it wasn't my fault, even though I'm admitting all these wretched things I've done to her... you know, even as we speak, she's probably talking to some wretched REA colonel or another about what I did, and hearing the worst things! I couldn't bear to hear what those people thought of me, so she's handling the situation all on her own... I ask so much of her, and she's never failed me."
Yuliana smiles, clasping her hand to her heart, looking down at the ring on her finger. "I know it may be difficult to understand, given where you come from, but... we're happy, Leyasha. We love each other very much. This is the way of things, for our family. We both have certain responsibilities... and my Elisa is the most dedicated woman I know. It's not her fault that I throw acid on myself so easily... she's tried her best to deprogram the Republic's wounds from my mind, but some things are more difficult to dislodge."
She's quiet, for a moment. "But," Yuliana starts, with that fragile smile, looking to the camera. "Perhaps it's not as unreasonable for me to say, Leyasha -- you know, these flaws, they are with me. I'm not only cruel in my marriage. I was... unkind, to you. I've spoken without thinking --"
Yuliana cuts herself off to swear, when the camera feed shuts off to report NO SIGNAL: "For fuck's sake!"
Marching over to Parminder's computer den, she SLAMS open the door, and demands: "Now?! I was in the middle of a conversation, Letda!"
"Mm-hmm," Parminder grunts, one hand in a bag of chips as the other types hurriedly away. "I know everything tech around here, Captain. Had to happen. OCU's hammering us as we speak. You know that cute guy from Hong Kong's on my case again? I tried asking him out when I was shutting off the tunnels, buut --"
"UGH," Yuliana yowls, and storms out before he can finish.
"Heheheh... but her Witchiness totally owes me a fiver for going dark right then," Parminder grins, all too savage, as he chomps another chip once she's gone.
Is Parminder watching everyone's telecommunications? Obviously Parminder is watching everyone's telecommunications. It's way better than his soaps.
Stomping back to the tea room, Yuliana takes up her tablet -- it's not affected by the blackout, at least, since it's disconnected from the network -- and types up an explanation for her absence. It's... markedly anxious, as she admits to telling Leina about her flaws. She insists she didn't say anything about the sacred Voidframe or Emptear, but she knows she's said too much of personal matters, anyway.
She just... wanted Leina to understand. She wants to be married herself, so she should understand married life. That's all, Yuliana insists. Just that, and... her guilt over being so entangled. Yes, she certainly feels the burden.
If only she were better at discretion. If only the Republic hadn't hurt her so much!
And, of course, she complains about being cut off the minute she was going to do something decent. Teach her to try and make peace. The universe is telling her she's going about this the wrong way!
But...
Even though she pours her heart out with such acid, she still makes the time to send Sayla a text message, when the blackout finally lifts and she's able to send messages again.
> Please ensure your daughter hasn't been brainwashed a SECOND time. She's telling we she's working with the Federation of her own free mill. Of course she'd say that it they made her say that. Could be its really her but it's suspicious. See to it.
Whether it gets through...
... well, no one can say Yuliana didn't make some effort.