2023-09-06: dys

• Log: 2023-09-06 dys
• Cast: Shinji Ikari, Kaworu Nagisa, Yuta Hibiki
• Where: Tsutsujidai
• OOC - IC Date: September 6, UC 0097 (2023)
• Summary: Concerned about Yuta after Gridman left his body to return to the Hyper World, Shinji pays him a visit with Kaworu in tow. No one ends up happy about this.

---

<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

        Shinji had promised Gridman that he'd help look out for Yuta--the real Yuta, who'll soon wake up in his body after almost two years. He meant it, too. After checking in with the Neon Genesis Junior High Students about where he's staying and what he might need, Shinji--almost brought some homemade bread and cookies, but while he was doing prep work, realized that's what Gridman liked, not what Yuta likes. He doesn't actually know anything about Yuta at all.
        
        That's why Shinji decides to just bring cleaning supplies. There's no baseline assumptions about what he likes and dislikes, and everyone needs a clean home; if the actual Yuta Hibiki is neat, then it'll be good to have extra supplies for later, and if he's a slob, then it'd do him good to have someone clean up for him. Besides, Shinji is positive he can't be messier than Misato.
        
        There's one more thing, or rather person, that he brings with him, whom he practically drags by the wrist after him up the outside stairwell to Yuta's apartment. It's been a long time since either of them where here--not since before Gridman thought he was Yuta--but Gridman and Kaworu were so in love. Kaworu has to be involved! He just has to be!
        
        "I know it'll be awkward at first," he's saying as they draw closer and closer to the door, "but you're always so good with people, Kaworu-kun! I'm sure Hibiki-kun will feel a lot more at ease with you here too!"
        
        Kaworu doesn't resist Shinji's tug, but the faint arch of his lips is slightly down, not up. "Yuta Hibiki doesn't know me. He has no reason to be put at ease by my presence."
        
        "Of course he would! Who wouldn't be?" Shinji argues.
        
        Kaworu's lips rise--slightly, and only momentarily--but they do rise. Shinji has of course already won this debate. He's here, isn't he?
        
        They stop in front of Yuta's door, and Shinji fumbles with the bucket of supplies before handing it off to Kaworu, who accepts it in silence. He takes a deep breath; then he shares a nod with his companion and knocks on the door.
        
        "I hope he's in," Shinji says in sudden realization. What are they going to do if he's not?
        
        Kaworu says nothing. He can already tell.

<Pose Tracker> Yuta Hibiki has posed.

Yuta's apartment building is modest. Upon reaching his door, Shinji and Kaworu are greeted by a notebook-paper sign. It's looking a little worse for wear by now, but it's still legible, at least.

Yuta Hibiki's Residence.
I have no more connection to Gridman.

Today finds said resident sitting at the table, homework strewn out around him. Though Yuta has Gridman's memories, they're hard to interpret, and the Giant of Light was never very good at school. Yuta has a lot of catching up to do. Nervously chewing on the end of a pencil, he looks from a math textbook to his assignment, and back again. He hasn't changed out of his school uniform yet, 100% of his after-school focus going to figuring out the years of information he missed.

Of course, that focus is quickly lost at the sound of a knock to the door.

"Again?" Yuta mutters. He's too polite to ignore it, even if he'd like to...

Dropping his pencil, the young man makes his way to the door. As usual, he cracks it open slightly, peeking out to see who's there. If it's those suit guys again, he's going to have a fit, even if they brought more ramune...

It isn't the suit guys.

Yuta's eyes open wide. His eyes are, perhaps, the only immediately visible difference between himself and Gridman. They're a brilliant, almost unreal shade of blue, a sharp contrast to the yellow-gold of the Hyper Agent.

"Kaworu--" Yuta breathes, inherited memories vibrant against his awareness. For a moment, he isn't himself, but only a moment. His expression turns to one of happiness, then immediately crumbles into a broken thing somewhere between grief and anger.

Pulling away from the door -- and letting it open all the way -- Yuta turns away, wiping at his eyes. Ugh. He doesn't even know this guy, and Yuta can't help getting all messed up. What is this?

"P--please come in." Yuta says, turning back around to close the door after Kaworu and Shinji enter. "You're... Shinji Ikari, and..." Yuta can't quite bring himself to look at Kaworu. "Kaworu Nagisa, right? I've got his memories, but they're hard to make sense of..."

Yuta's body language is extremely different from Gridman's. Where the Hyper Agent was full of grace and confidence in his movements, Yuta is nervous, unsteady. He can't help a nervous glance down to the bucket in Kaworu's arms, then his gaze darts back up to meet Shinji's eyes.

"Uh." Yuta manages.

The apartment is, to his credit, still quite clean. A few dishes wait in the sink, and if one were to look down the hall, they can see a large amount of clothes thrown onto the ground in Yuta's bedroom, but other than that, it's very nice!

"...would you like to sit down..?" He asks, after an awkward few moments of silence. "Thanks for coming all this way..."

It's spoken so uncertainly... Is he really grateful for Shinji and Kaworu's appearance?

<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

        Shinji of course sees that sign, and he can in fact read it. He won't let it stop him anyway. He promised.
        
        Shinji offers a smile to Yuta when he cracks the door open and peeks out. His eyes are back to being blue, and it gives him mixed feelings. "Um, hi! Sorry for the sudden--"
        
        Was he thinking something about mixed feelings? Those really rear up when Yuta names Kaworu, looking at him at first with joy and then with something far less pleasant. Shinji blinks as he looks between Yuta and Kaworu. "Kaworu-kun, have you been here already?"
        
        But Kaworu, too, looks surprised, or at least surprised for him, which is slightly widened eyes with eyebrows rising a hair. He doesn't say anything, but fortunately, before the silence can go on overly long, Yuta invites them both in.
        
        "Y-yes," Shinji utters, surprised again that Yuta knows him too. He definitely hasn't been here before! But the mystery doesn't linger; Yuta explains that he has Gridman's memories.
        
        Which is deeply unexpected, and even more awkward. Shinji shoots Kaworu a look; Kaworu keeps his distance as he watches Yuta, but he glances to one side to meet Shinji's eyes.
        
        This is going to be bad for both of them, Shinji realizes.
        
        The apartment itself doesn't look too bad, at least. There's some mess, he notes as he takes a furtive look around, but nothing that Yuta couldn't handle on his own. "Oh, uh," he utters, looking back at Yuta. There's such a weird sense of wrongness about him. When he'd learned that 'Yuta' was 'Gridman,' he grappled for a time about what that meant about who they were. With Yuta, there's no question: this is definitely a different person. He might look like the person he knew, but there's so many little things that just aren't the same. With this comparison, he wonders how he could've ever been confused about Gridman.
        
        Gridman had lost all his memories, and that had made him suffer. What kind of suffering is Yuta experiencing, remembering memories that aren't his?
        
        "Y-you're welcome. And thank you," Shinji offers, putting on a smile. "If, uh, if you remember us, then I guess that makes things quick! Kaworu-kun and I are--" friends, he almost says, but he falters. "--just stopping by to check in on you, Hibiki-kun. It must be really hard to wake up after so much time asleep," he offers. "I--we thought it might be tough to keep this place clean with everything else you might have going on, so we were going to offer to tidy up for you..."
        
        He trails off for a moment, deeply uncomfortable. He shakes his head a little. No, no, that's unfair to Hibiki-kun, he tells himself. He tries on another smile and adds, "Is that okay? If you'd rather not, we can just leave this stuff here and go..."
        
        Kaworu still says nothing. He doesn't sit, either.

<Pose Tracker> Yuta Hibiki has posed.

Shinji's determination shines! If Gridman was here, he would surely praise his friend for fighting bravely. But nothing remains of the Hyper Agent -- aside from perhaps his feelings for Kaworu (and Rei? it remains to be seen). If Yuta Hibiki's feelings for Rikka were strong enough to influence an amnesiac Gridman, what will Gridman's love for his partners do to Yuta..?

"Sorry--" Yuta chokes out, at Kaworu and Shinji's expressions. "I don't know what that was. We don't know each other."

It's so... final. Yuta is trying to convince himself of his words, as well as the two others. The atmosphere in the room is uncomfortable, to put it lightly. As the silence stretches out, Yuta nervously tugs at the bottom of his sweater vest.

Yuta, though he has no psychic ability, can feel the way Shinji's gaze lingers on him. It's not unfriendly, and Yuta tries to tell himself that. From the snippets of clarity he gains from Gridman's memory, Shinji has always been kind and compassionate. Despite this, Yuta can't quite shake the feeling that he's being judged.

The young man shifts his weight to his other foot, eyes narrowing slightly.

It makes him irritable.

"Thanks, Shinji." Yuta hesitates. "Should I call you 'Ikari' now? I'm not sure what the polite thing to do is in... this situation. I've been, um... Okay. Trying to figure stuff out."

Shinji offers to clean. Yuta looks surprised, despite the obvious hint of the cleaning supplies in Kaworu's grasp. There are a few things to be done here and there. Is it too intimate to accept, though? Inviting someone to clean seems so serious.

Yuta hesitates.

In the end, he can't escape Gridman's lingering fondness for both the young men in front of him. Yuta sighs, shrugging lightly.

"If you're sure you both don't mind. It feels a little rude to ask my guests to help like that." A pause. "So... yeah. It's okay. Um. As long as I can help, too."

Yuta is so carefully not looking at Kaworu. It's painful, and obvious, but he has no idea what else to do. If he meets Kaworu's eyes, Yuta thinks, he'll be overwhelmed with those inherited feelings.

"Oh, uh." Yuta smiles faintly, looking from Shinji to Kaworu (for a split second) and back. "To be official... I'm Yuta Hibiki. Thanks for--"

Yuta can't keep his gaze away from Kaworu, and his words slowly trail off.

Clearing his throat, he tries again. "...there's dishes, and kitchen stuff, I guess, to start with?"

<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

        "We don't," Kaworu agrees, quiet and even.
        
        It dawns on Shinji that maybe bringing Kaworu here was actually very hurtful to him. He spends several seconds dying inside, and in doing so, completely misses Yuta's moment of irritability.
        
        He snaps back to the present when he hears his name. "Huh? Oh, uh--I-I'm not sure. You can call me Shinji if you want, but Ikari's fine too if that's more comfortable for you," he offers timidly. He's already called him 'Hibiki,' so it's clear where he stands on that issue--but then, he doesn't have any memories of Yuta as himself.
        
        He expects to get told to leave. He's not sure if it's better or worse that Yuta accepts the offer for them to stay and help clean. It does make him feel a little better, though; after all, he came here wanting to help. But...
        
        "Sure, that's fine," he says. "It's nice to make your acquaintance officially, Hibiki..."
        
        He, too, trails off again. Yuta's obviously not looking at Kaworu, until the moment he stops and stares at him; meanwhile, Kaworu isn't looking at anything but Yuta. He looks back and forth between the two. The tension, he decides, has to go.
        
        "The kitchen sounds like a good start. It always gets so messy so fast," he says aloud. "Um, thanks for helping me carry that stuff, Kaworu-kun. If you need to go, you can go ahead. Hibiki-kun and I can handle things here."
        
        Kaworu glances at him. His stoic lack of expression softens into a smile; then he sets the bucket of supplies down on one of the table and slips his hands into his pockets. "Perhaps I can fetch some groceries," he offers. "Would that be acceptable, Yuta Hibiki?"
        
        Relief suffuses Shinji. Perfect--a way to help that also means Kaworu and Yuta don't have to be awkward around each other. "That sounds great! What do you need right now, Hibiki-kun?" He could look in the fridge himself, but he doesn't have the nerve to make that bold of a move.

<Pose Tracker> Yuta Hibiki has posed.

Yuta looks uncertain at Shinji's non-answer. "I'll stick with 'Ikari' for now, then. I guess." That way it's balanced with being called 'Hibiki'. Or at least, Yuta hopes. He likes Shinji so far -- even if he can't tell if those are his own feelings or Gridman's. Shinji is uncomplicated. He's kind and helpful. Such an opposite energy from Kaworu, who couldn't be more complex if he tried.

"Likewise." Yuta manages a little smile.

Yuta starts to grow more comfortable. Okay. He can do this. He can handle this. Kaworu is quiet, so it'll be easy to ignore him, and Yuta can just focus on Shinji. It'll be nice to get some help cleaning up, right? Nobody likes chores...

Yuta stacks up reasons why this situation is something he can handle, one on top of another, like a fragile house of cards. For a moment, it seems like everything is going to be fine.

But then he meets Kaworu's eyes.

A rush of emotion threatens to send Yuta to his knees. Poignant, desperate longing. Warmth. A fierce desire to be near Kaworu, to see him smile, to kiss...

Yuta brings a hand up to his lips. Gridman and Kaworu kissed, several times. It was bad enough that his body was used to kiss a girl (even such a beautiful girl), but a boy? Yuta doesn't even like boys, he's never thought about...

"Stop!" Yuta shouts, his voice cracking in anger. His outburst cuts Shinji off entirely -- Yuta hadn't even really heard Shinji allow Kaworu a graceful exit. "Stop -- looking at me like that! I'm not him! I'm not him, I'm not!"

Yuta takes in a gasping breath. Conflicting emotions war in his heart, his expression turning anguished. Shoving past Shinji, Yuta makes his way to Kaworu, grabbing the white-haired young man by his shirt.

Even this closeness pleases something in Yuta's subconscious, satisfies some half-known desire. It only makes him angrier. Tears spring to his eyes, even as he glares.

"Just -- just stop. Stop making me feel like this! I can't --" Yuta gasps in a breath. His hand shakes where its bunched in Kaworu's shirt. "I can't do this! How could you... just have a relationship with him, knowing this was MY body! Did you even care about what I would think?!"

<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

        Yuta says he'll stick with Ikari, and Shinji nods, unconsciously relaxing. It does feel more balanced that way. Not like he's meeting someone he doesn't know but does know him. That's just--it doesn't feel right. (And that's another reason it's a good thing that, for all his considerable abilities, Kaworu can't read minds.)
        
        So when Yuta starts to ease up, Shinji does too. They'll stay here and talk and get to know each other, and Kaworu can be out of the way. He feels a little guilty for sending him away, but this is what would make both of them feel better, right? (And if Shinji also feels better if he doesn't have to see the way the two of them are looking at each other even though they should know each other, so much the better.)
        
        Except then Yuta meets Kaworu's eyes, and brings a hand to his mouth like he's about to throw up, and then--starts shouting at Kaworu? Shinji's eyes go wide in alarm, and when Yuta shoves him away, he stumbles back, only barely catching himself on the side of the table. "H-hey!" he calls.
        
        But Yuta grabs Kaworu by the shirt. Kaworu doesn't react at first, beyond that the smile he favored Shinji with fades away; his hands remain in his pockets, and he only watches Yuta as he glares at him. What Yuta actually shouts, though... his neutral expression softens again, but this time with melancholy.
        
        "I'm sorry," he says quietly.
        
        And that's all.

<Pose Tracker> Yuta Hibiki has posed.

Yuta ignores Shinji, focusing so hard on Kaworu. In the hours to follow, he'll feel intensely guilty for shoving the other young man, but in the moment...

"That's it?" Yuta gasps out, incredulous. "You're not going to defend yourself at all?! Or him?"

The tears welling up in Yuta's blue eyes spill over, a helpless expression of his rage and grief. So much time lost. Important 'firsts' stolen away -- first kiss, first prom, first time holding hands... It all feels tainted. But Yuta's feelings run deeper than just rage at the injustice of his situation. What he's really feeling, though he shies away from it, is jealousy.

"Why did he get to be so happy?" Yuta grits out. "He stole so much from me, and everyone loved him. You and her most of all! Why -- why!"

Yuta raises his free hand, shaping it into a fist. For a long few seconds, it looks like he's going to punch Kaworu, but he can't do it. The echoes of Gridman's love are too powerful. Instead, he brings his fist down softly, gently, against Kaworu's shoulder. It winds up as nothing more than a tap.

"It's not fair. You coming here and... looking at me. You're not even angry at me!" Yuta draws in a shuddering breath through his teeth. "You have to resent me for sending him away! Everyone does! Even if they won't say it --"

Tap. Yuta brings his fist up and down, ever so carefully, against Kaworu. Tap. Tap.

"I know they're thinking it. I know you're thinking it. I want my life back! I want to be happy and loved like he was!" Yuta squeezes his eyes shut. "I come back like this, to this empty apartment. My family never really existed. I don't know my friends anymore. It's not fair!"

<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

        As Yuta vents his anger and loss and jealosy on Kaworu, Kaworu returns to silence. Shinji tenses in alarm when it seems like Yuta might hit him, but there was no need to worry that much; it's just a tap, a tap, a tap, a tap. But as Yuta continues to verbally lash out, and Kaworu continues to take it, Shinji's hands clench.
        
        "Stop it! Kaworu-kun didn't do anything wrong. And neither did Ayanami! Don't you dare blame them!" he protests, voice heating. He'd felt his own jealousy for so long about Kaworu, Rei, and Gridman's relationship with each other--a jealousy that has abated over time and with reassurances from Kaworu that he's still his best friend, but not entirely vanished over time. "I'm sorry you lost so much time. I really am. But Gridman didn't mean to steal it from you, and it's not like Kaworu-kun was trying to hurt you or anything. It's not fair that things turned out like this for you, but it's not fair for you to take it out on him, either! He's just trying to be nice!"
        
        "Shinji-kun," Kaworu says softly. "It's all right. I'll leave. I don't want to be the cause of any further distress." He looks down at the young man in front of him, red eyes gloomy. Then, with great care, he gently attempts to disentangle Yuta's fist from his shirt. "Yuta Hibiki. You didn't send Gridman away. Gridman completed his mission and so returned to the world from which he came. So you did nothing wrong. What's more, Gridman sorely regrets that he took over your body, even if he didn't mean to."
        
        If Yuta lets him, Kaworu will take a significant step back. As requested, he doesn't look at him, eyes shut until he turns away. "Your life is already yours again, Yuta Hibiki. Rather than lament the time you lost, you should seek to build the relationships you desire."
        
        He doesn't yet leave. But it's clear he's about to.

<Pose Tracker> Yuta Hibiki has posed.

Shinji's voice seems to break Yuta out of his emotions. Those blue eyes blink widely (just the once), and he steps away from Kaworu, horror on his face.

"I--" Yuta starts, tears falling down his face. "I'm so --"

Shame washes over him. Yuta brings his hand to his mouth again, shoulders trembling. Shinji's right. Yuta knows he is, knows everything he shouted at Kaworu is irrational. And after yelling so much, he doesn't feel any better. If anything, Yuta feels worse, now. There's no way to take back what he said.

Kaworu is able to disentangle Yuta's fist easily. When their hands brush together, Yuta flinches softly, overwhelmed again by a rush of familiarity and affection. Even looking into Kaworu's eyes this closely... That red shade is so unusual. So beautiful. Yuta's heart catches in his throat.

"Yeah." Yuta whispers. It's not entirely clear what, or who, he's agreeing with.

Risking a glance up as Kaworu steps away, Yuta sees Kaworu's eyes are closed, and again is hit by a wall of humiliation and regret. How is Kaworu so cool-headed after being shouted at? How can he take the heartbreak Yuta must've just inflicted on him without reacting?

"I don't... know." Yuta replies, clearly to Kaworu, this time. "I don't know, but-- I'm sorry... You didn't deserve that, and..."

Yuta buries his face in his hands. They only came here to help him out, to literally clean his home. What's wrong with him? Why is he like this?

"I'm." He swallows down another wave of tears. "I'm glad he had you. I'm not okay with it, but. I'm... glad, even so. He did a lot for... other people."

That seems to be all Yuta can manage, for the moment. A sob tears its way out of his throat.

Yuta takes a few steps back. His legs hit the side of the couch, and he sits down heavily, balanced on its arm. Shinji is still here. Yuta has to pull it together, at least long enough to apologize to him, too.

"I'm, um." Yuta looks down. "I'm really... really sorry you had to... um. I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me. You guys just came over to help, and I treated you like this. I -- don't know him, but. Maybe you should be with Kaworu right now... I don't want him to be by himself after that?"

It's a question. He's so unsure.

"Or if he needs time that's fine." Yuta shakes his head. "I don't know him."

<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

        As much as Shinji would like to stay mad, when Yuta starts crying, it feels like getting stabbed in the side. He came here to help, because he promised he'd look after Yuta for Gridman, and instead he made Kaworu sad, he made Yuta sad--all of this is his fault (or so it feels). The only thing that makes it better is that Kaworu does take it all with such aplomb. He shouldn't have to leave like this, but then, he shouldn't have been brought here like this in the first place.
        
        Yuta apologizes, and says he's glad Gridman had him. Kaworu opens his eyes, but doesn't look at him, only gazing melancholically at the floor.
        
        "Thank you," he says graciously. "Shinji-kun, I'll leave the rest to you." Quietly, he lets himself out.
        
        Shinji takes a half-step his way, or rather to the closed front door, but... he decides to give him a little space to be alone with his own feelings. He can't just abandoned Yuta, either. He heads over to the couch and carefully sits next to him, albeit with plenty of space between them. "No, I should be sorry. I never guessed that you'd have Gridman's memories. I didn't think it'd be a problem if I brought him, and... it must have really hurt for both of you." He grimaces. "Actually, you're right to be upset. The only reason I'm here is because I told Gridman I'd help look after you. If it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here at all. If I were you, I'd resent that, too."
        
        In Yuta's place, Shinji can't say he wouldn't have had an outburst like that, either. He might have gotten heated up over how he was talking about Kaworu and Rei, but now that Yuta's temper has collapsed, so has Shinji's. He can't help but feel sorry for this guy. He can't imagine what it must feel like to lose so many years of one's life--to have someone else's memories. Shinji has carefully avoided thinking of the kinds of things Gridman and Kaworu must have done when they were alone together, and now Yuta has no choice but to know.
        
        "It's okay... Kaworu-kun is really kind and mature. He knows you need help right now. That's why he came here in the first place," Shinji reassures him. "But if you'd rather be alone right now, I'll go. I..." He averts his eyes in shame. "Actually, maybe I should go anyway. You were right, at least when it came to me. When I look at you, I see someone who looks like Gridman but isn't, and it's just... weird. But it's not fair to you. It took me so long to accept that 'Yuta Hibiki' was 'Gridman,' and now that Gridman's gone and the real you is here, it's like... I'm confused all over again."
        
        He breathes out a frustrated sigh. Then he gets to his feet. "The cleaning stuff is yours. I figured it'd be handy to have around," he says quietly. "I'll go wash the dishes for you and you can pick up your clothes, and then I'll leave after, okay?"
        
        If he's going to barge into this boy's life, he may as well do something to have made it all worth it. As much as he'd really rather run away, he mustn't--right?

<Pose Tracker> Yuta Hibiki has posed.

Yuta lets Kaworu go, choosing not to remark on his exit, or Shinji's concerned action. He seems surprised as Shinji chooses to sit with him -- raising his head to look at Shinji. Yuta's tears are easing, it seems.

"It's not like you could've known." Yuta shakes his head slightly. "I don't blame you, Ikari. Or Kaworu. You both just wanted to help. No matter what motivated it, that's really kind of you. Coming all this way to help a stranger is pretty cool of you both."

Yuta manages a smile, once more. This one is wobbly, and strikingly familiar to the wobbly, emotional smiles Gridman used to put on when he was upset. It's impossible to know from which young man it originates -- and perhaps that doesn't matter, really.

Where before, Shinji's obvious sympathy irritated Yuta, now it feels friendly. It's still tough to be so obviously inferior, but Yuta can deal with that much. Stretching one of his hands out in front of him, Yuta looks at his palm, closing and opening his fingers. It's almost exploratory. Memories of Kaworu's fingers fitting between his own are close to the surface. All at once, it feels like something Yuta did himself, and something that happened to an entirely different person.

"It's... disorienting. I don't have a perfect idea of what happened. It's foggy, like a dream." Yuta sighs. "I don't know who I see when I look in the mirror, either. I can hardly blame you. It must've been hard for you guys, getting jerked around like this."

Yuta's face grows serious. "I want them both to be okay. And you, too, obviously. Um." He pauses, struggling with if he should keep speaking. In the end, Yuta decides against it. Shinji hands out cleaning assignments, and Yuta just nods.

"Right. I... really appreciate it." Yuta stands. "...please um... please let me know if there's anything I can do for you. In the future. I'm not good for much, but I'll do my best to repay your kindness, Ikari."