2023-07-12: What Did You Do
- Log: What Did You Do
- Cast: Yuliana Kafim, Elisa Kafim
- Where: The Silent Castle, Kaffeklubben Island
- Date: 2023-07-12
- Summary: Yuliana violently refuses to pilot Emptear, haunted by Rita's concerns. Elisa, wounded by the fact that Yuliana would talk about something so private with Rita, expresses her feelings until all her feelings flee; for once, it's Yuliana who feels only one thing between them, consumed by her shame. But Elisa absolves her, and Elisa helps her, though she's been hurt so terribly... and with Elisa's help, Yuliana finds herself able to pilot Emptear without being overwhelmed by the enormity of the Voidframe. Only once blindfolded is she truly able to see. (Content warning: domestic violence)
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana is delightfully affectionate, after she's done hosting Ujico at their Castle, something which incidentally comes out as a result of Ujico's own enthusiasm. (She accidentally witnessed Yuliana's beauty, and embraced it. Figuratively, of course -- Yuliana only wants Elisa's arms around her.) After a strange and unexplained foul mood, the past few days, it's surely a welcome change for her to feel good about her unique body again. And without Elisa having to do anything to foster that positivity, this time!
After a spot of manic distraction, though, the topic comes back to their Work -- perhaps because Yuliana's feeling better, now. She is... hesitant, though, as soon as theory threatens to become practice. "I just... oh, Elya, can't we do it tomorrow?" And that's a bargaining tactic she's used many times to try and wriggle out of medical necessities; she isn't always known to take the next day with grace. "Right now, I just wish to be here with you..." She looks up to her wife with those doe eyes full of pleading and want, and it may still be difficult to deny her.
Tomorrow comes.
Of course there is the waking -- Elisa's duty to guide Yuliana back to this world, however temporarily, and take on the madness she speaks. (It was a difficult night for possessing form and function and faculties.) But she is an expert at stabilising Yuliana, by now; when it comes time for them to get up, why, she's almost normal again! ... almost.
Yuliana brushes her hair, in the middle of preparing herself for the day, humming a cheerful tune. But will she dress correctly?
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Tomorrow is here. Tomorrow is here, and Elisa has noticed the variations in Yuliana's moods, from dealing with the PPL to having the delightful Ujico around again. And their Work...
Yes, it's a bargaining tactic. But Elisa is fine with that, in the moment. But now it has come due...
"I am looking forward to seeing what we can discover today," Elisa ventures, as she steps inside, having brushed her own hair already. "To continue along the path together..."
"I am pleased by this."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Elisa is pleased, and that should make Yuliana pleased, just the same. And indeed she does smile -- though it dims, as she recalls the night, as she recalls the infinite. Now it's her turn with the brush (she always was slower to rise out of bed than her Elisa), but her motions slow, hand lowering a little; the handle brushes the strap of her bra, all half-readied.
"I'm glad," she smiles, again, and continues running her brush through the bangs at the side of her head. (A teal strand tangles about a purple one, inside the bristles.) And, of course, there are so many ways they could move forward along the path! Perhaps she's worried for nothing. Holding hope and her hairbrush in her hand, she asks: "What shall we do?"
Surely Elisa will come up with something else. She always has.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Yes, Yuliana is slowing. Elisa notices this. She has a feeling...
Yes, she gets those, at times.
Elisa turns to look at Yuliana, regarding her as she pauses brushing her hair. Then, she waits a moment. She can tell, of course; there is no profane insight required to pick up on this particular hope.
"It is time to practice," she says. "To commune."
She did not, in fact, come up with something else.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"O... oh," Yuliana's smile falters, again, as Rita's words rattle in her brain. She tries to push them down; she tries to say what she ought to say. She starts: "Of course, I --"
And then she blinks, too long -- no, her eyes scrunch shut. She remembers the PRESSURE of being so much, knowing so much, existing so much. Her throat closes up against the way her stomach roils; she swallows, heavily. She makes some measure of an effort.
She is the Threshold Queen. No wonder she dangles on the precipice.
Until something snaps inside her heart and she FLINGS the hairbrush, in Elisa's direction but not particularly trying to hit her; it strikes a wall-hanging behind her, instead, and the fine silk sags as it's knocked from the stone. "NO!" She cries, stubborn and ill-tempered, as her hands clap over her ears and grasp at her head. Her legs kick, just the same, and green eyeshadow is knocked from the dresser. "No, I don't want it! I won't! I won't I won't I won't!"
All crying, all carrying on, she screams: "I don't want to condense! I don't want to get smaller! I'll lose myself--!!" And it's not the first time Yuliana's ever melted down like this; her emotional lability does hit these extremes, sometimes, more consumed by emotion than sense. But...
It doesn't make sense that she'd scream about getting smaller, in something like Emptear, does it?
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa watches as Yuliana... closes up. Yes, she sees it as it happens, sees it as her wife reaches that point and flings the hairbrush. Yuliana is stubborn. The brush slams into the wall, and Elisa does not so much as flinch. She pauses, instead. She watches, the carrying on, the crying...
"What?"
Elisa frowns. "My darling..."
It's certainly not the first time she's melted down, and Elisa steps forward, all gentle. Well, sort of gentle. Yuliana will find that she is hard to move out of the way, should she try.
"What is this 'condense'?" Elisa starts. "What is 'to be smaller'?" She shakes her head. "This is not the nature of our work. Who has told you these things...?"
She is very concerned. And more than concerned.
"My darling, talk to me. You know I would not allow such a thing. She is your armor, not..."
She pauses. "Darling, tell me..."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Nnn!!" Yuliana hums, through her lips, when Elisa frowns and steps forward. Of course she feels guilt; guilt crushes her heart, all vice-grip, all tears in the corners of her eyes. But it is too much, too much --
She doesn't shove Elisa out of the way, at least; she doesn't rise from her chair at all, all polished hardwood and claw-legged. She is consumed by herself, writhing back and forth, hands clasped in a mirror of that vice about her skull.
As if she could compress herself through her own gestures.
Yuliana keens, wordless, but she hears Elisa anyway. She can do nothing but hear Elisa, all echoing in the hollow of herself. Elisa bids she tell her, and Yuliana sobs, eyes blinking open for a moment to find her before they scrunch closed again.
Her breath comes ragged, but she calms enough to speak, at least. To say: "R--Ritechka said... sixty metres was t-too big. My soul wasn't, made for this. I'd disappear... I had to isolate myself a-and, crush myself down, until I was only the most important parts of myself. That's what she did... s-she could only expand when she knew who she was. So the, the Psychoframe wouldn't consume that, too..."
Smaller, she whispers, at strain: "... I don't want to die..."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Guilt, yes. Of course guilt. Elisa pushes aside 'guilt' in this moment, a mere emotion next to grander matters. She sees that too much in something of her eyes, and she sees the way she moves, back and forth, compresses--
what?
who?
rita.
"You..."
Elisa is taken aback. She stops mid-step, her eyes widen in something like hurt and surprise. "You discussed the sacred voidframe with... her?"
"You--"
Elisa's lips twist. There is something like real emotion in her face for a moment, before she shakes her head,
"That fool! She understands nothing! Why would you need to isolate yourself in the armor that is meant to display you to all the world?"
"Why would you need to shrink down, in the armor that lets you walk on the stage of the planets themselves?"
"She is wrong. Your armor will not destroy you; it is made for exactly the OPPOSITE of that!"
Elisa's voice rises. "How did she get this from you? What did she do to you, to tear these secrets from your breast? How did she--"
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Elisa trails, and Yuliana's eyes blink open, glossy, to look to her again. Hurt -- surprise -- the question on her lips, all at once it breaks her heart, and she knows it is true.
She failed her.
Yuliana takes another breath, hitching, but she cannot find her voice in time. Her lips quiver too much.
Why would she need to shrink down? It's because the guilt weighs too much, now, with all the gravity of Elisa's climbing voice. Her hands drop from her ears, to clasp at her arms, instead. She looks down, looks away, cannot bear to meet her wife's jealous green gaze in this moment.
"She just... she noticed I was not quite myself, she... well, I don't know if it was on purpose, but, she did tell me there wasn't surveillance, in her bedroom." Yuliana went to her bedroom? "M--maybe she really just wanted to show me something of hers, I don't know... b-but she asked what was wrong, she, she said she loved me, she was worried for me. She invited me to speak..."
Elisa's voice might have climbed, but Yuliana's only grows smaller. She hooks her bare ankles about each other; even in her underwear, she's not cold, thanks to the fire, but it's not the temperature chilling her blood now. "I... I don't know, I wanted her to understand, I... thought she'd know how to, c-cope. It really is overwhelming, Elya... I-I was frightened, but, but you've already taken on so much burden, and s-she was made to protect me, I-I didn't want to be ungrateful... but Ritechka was consumed by her machine, Elya. It scared me... I thought..." And her justifications feel so shallow, now, so insufficient.
"But," Yuliana swallows, "she didn't take it well. S-she said my gifts were taking over my body... she said such awful things. And, I... mm..." Once more she hums, through her lips, tightening into herself, all laden with her shame.
She's afraid to admit... just what she did.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Glossy eyes--eyes, full of--
Yuliana cannot find her breath, but Elisa is frustrated. She waits. Oh, she waits, for some answer, for some absolution for Yuliana, but it does not come. She listens. She noticed..
"So she was scheming," Elisa seethes. No, of course it's there; of course Rita had an idea for this. "All her worry, and her love," Elisa says, "And she says these terrible things to you! Is this love!?"
But Yuliana wanted her to understand. Elisa is sick with it. "Of course. Your tender heart, in need. You needed her to understand. But why? Why would you go to her to cope? If it wasn't working..." Such burden.
'Made to protect her'.
"She was NOT made for you!" Elisa snaps.
These justifications...
"She is not you. She is not like you. Do you think that I would create something for you that could destroy you? Do you think that I would do that to you?"
"I did not know I had abused your trust so, that you would feel this way about me. That you would go to HER, of all people, with the gifts I have given you!"
Pained, Elisa is all lost energy as she casts herself to the bed, falling like a doll, or a corpse.
"...What did you do?" she wonders. "What? Can it be worse?"
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana shakes her head, mutely, when Elisa demands to know whether Rita's schemes are love. Of course they aren't; they cannot be.
"N--no, no, Elya, I--" Yuliana tries to protest when Elisa snaps at her, shrinking down in her chair, further, further into herself. She flinches. She spoke of Emptear, of course, but why wouldn't she think she was talking about Rita? Why wouldn't she, when she's saying such awful things?
She weeps, but quietly, now, choking on her own breath. "No... n-no, I... you didn't, Elya, please..." Her hand covers her face, now, as she buries it there.
Oh, Elisa can't even stand, in the wake of the wrong Yuliana has done. And Yuliana wants to go to her, but she doesn't feel worthy. Just as she said -- just as she says, again, volunteering her most wretched thoughts even as she thinks it would better not to hurt her wife even more.
"She-- she said -- she said She was hurting us," Yuliana chokes out, tense. "That She'd hurt you, Elya... she offered to take me away, a-and I said, I said, I couldn't run from myself. As if it were a bad thing... as if I'd thought about it. I--I don't know what she said about that, I was sick of it, I stormed off, but... but having to say such wretched things... I really didn't understand why anyone would love someone so disgraceful and ungrateful. Even Her..." Yuliana's voice grows smaller, more despondent. "... I questioned Her..."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa despairs, and rages, and finally just remains there on the bed for now. Yuliana is weeping, but Elisa cannot move, in the moment. There is nothing there; she does not destroy, does not do away with the things in this room because they do not matter. They are nothing, in comparison.
But Rita...
"You..."
Elisa, boneless, considers this for a time. Yuliana doesn't even know; she stormed off.
"Oh, my Yuliana..."
"That terrible machine to which she's attached must be responsible," Elisa says. Then she sighs.
"...Gentle, and loving, and too trusting," Elisa says, "You wish only to be understood. ...And you did not wish to burden me," she says bitterly. "OH..."
"No. I am not hurt by Her. I am hurt now, by these things, but in the end her machinations will not break us apart."
"...But don't you see?" Elisa says. "There is no need for forgiveness. It is natural to be tempted by this transient world, for you. Your heart is too great for it to be otherwise."
"Even now, She tries to bring you closer to Her, even knowing the doubt you have mentioned."
"For it is true. You cannot run from yourself. ...A happy, happy truth indeed, that you cannot accidentally dispose of such a sacred trust."
Elisa rises again, though there is little natural in it; it is as much dragging herself up as it is moving her muscles.
"Yes..."
"My Yuliana," she says, "Do not worry. This too can be overcome."
"You have hurt me. But still I love you. Allow me to make it better."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
She is too trusting. Or, put another way: she trusts too much.
"I'm sorry," Yuliana murmurs, and honestly, for once, all broken down inside herself. It's that bitter emphasis on burdening Elisa, that does it, finally. "I wasn't considering your feelings at all..."
(She was. Trying to, anyway. But surely she wasn't, if the result is such a weight on Elisa, now.)
But Elisa explains it all away; explains her temptations, explains her unique vulnerability to the transient world. And what can Yuliana do but embrace them, wholeheartedly, without thought or pause? She has already wronged her so much.
Watching Elisa rise is painful, though Yuliana couldn't say just why. Perhaps it's the contrast between her movements this morning and her movements last night. It's... inhuman.
(But they're both inhuman, anyway, so it really shouldn't bother her.)
Yuliana swallows, and reaches out, with shaking fingertips, to her wife. "I didn't want to hurt you," she says, voice wan. "The whole time, I didn't want to hurt you... please, believe me. I wish I hadn't let her make me say those awful things," and always is Yuliana shifting the blame, even now, the matter of her survival written into her bones, "I knew I was being stupid, even when I was saying it, I knew it was pointless, but I was so thoughtless..." She hurt her wife.
How could she?
Telling, perhaps, that Yuliana asks herself that, while Elisa offers her absolution. "I--I don't know what I did to deserve someone as wonderful as you," Yuliana says, with a little shake of her head. "Even though I failed to uphold my vows, you've never swayed in yours... you're still helping me, even though I hurt you. Please, Elya... I need you. Please... make it better..."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Far, far too much. It weighs on Elisa so.
Yuliana is sorry. Elisa hears it, and bears up under that burden, too. But she explains and explains and explains, and perhaps there is still pain in Elisa's movements for her, too. She cannot quite simply move, after all, must rely on Power in this moment, inhuman movement. But Yuliana reaches out...
"I know you didn't," Elisa says. "I do believe you. But let us not dwell on what could not be avoided." Elisa accepts that movement of blame wholeheartedly; onto Rita, where it belongs.
"You are you. That is all that is required. Come, now." Elisa will still help. Elisa is here, after all.
"I know how it shall be done. A veil, over this world..."
"Yes, we shall show you the battlefield directly, rather than make you look upon the half-space. We shall unify your senses with Emptear's, that you not have to lose yourself. That you can simply be, without this pretense."
"It will help, my darling. You will see."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
And no more is Yuliana aware of that weight than at moments like this. It's so... selfish.
But she is, she supposes; and surely it couldn't be avoided, when Rita was misleading her so. "Yes," she agrees, though there's gratitude in her eyes, when Elisa believes her.
So many people don't. Isn't it unfair, to her?
Yuliana's hand finds Elisa's, and gently she squeezes it, as she takes Elisa's help to stand. She steps to her, and presses herself against her, all warm skin against the cold, the tentacles trailing behind her wrapping about Elisa's waist as she sinks her head against Elisa's shoulder and listens.
"Directly..?" She murmurs -- and her heart, at least, flutters in her chest. Anxiety has quickened it, though it's slowing, now, embracing Elisa. (There's nowhere she's safer than here, in her shadow.) "So I wouldn't have to reconcile the two... oh, Elya. I should have known you'd make it better... I should have known..."
She pulls back, but just enough to lift her hand, to cradle Elisa's cheek. "I'll prepare at once," she assures her, with that same doe-eyed trust.
Her pilot suit, of course, is also in the wardrobe. She has to slip her snakes into their sleeves as well, and snap something like gloves about them to maintain an airtight seal; even if they could survive the vacuum of space, Yuliana can't, so it's easier to protect them as well. The rest of her follows quickly enough. She slips her fold quartz crystal about her neck, snaps her bracelet onto her wrist; she doesn't need to hide them, any more, so she'll wear them without fear.
There are clasps on her suit to keep her jewellery tethered to her even in low gravity, of course. That's just the sort of consideration she needs, and naturally Elisa saw to it.
"Show me," Yuliana asks, as she takes Elisa's arm, and follows her outside. Outside, to Emptear...
Yuliana could never board her alone. She couldn't climb so high. She's always needed Elisa's help, and this is as it should be.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa will have to remember Rita's involvement here. It was stressful, to be sure--dangerous, now. To consider the Voidframe in that way...
No, it cannot be allowed.
But for now, Elisa helps Yuliana up, her cooler hands holding Yuliana's, her muscled arms wrapped about hers. Directly, she starts to say. And then, "Yes, precisely."
Elisa notices the hand on her cheek--but it is not enough just yet to bring her Back, only to make her aware that Yuliana wants her there. No, she must Work. There is much she has to do. In the wardrobe, Elisa moves to dress, and soon enough, she is in her robes; she does not need a normal suit for Yuliana's practice. Even the jewelry tethers. And outside, outside...
Elisa will help. And this time, before she does:
She wraps a blindfold of utter forested green around Yuliana's eyes, so dark that it could almost be black. She does it gently, lovingly, carefully. "The magic in this will link your senses without the intermediary period," Elisa says. "It will help. I promise you this."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
OST: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Kcy3eIubG0 Florence + The Machine - Cosmic Love
Oh, Elisa always works so hard.
If only Yuliana had a third of her dedication.
But Elisa helps, and before she steps into Emptear's cockpit, this time, Elisa has something like a cloth in hand. "Ah..?" Yuliana wonders, but she is still, under her care; naturally she trusts Elisa enough for this. She feels how gently Elisa moves, and her cheeks colour, just so.
"I believe you," Yuliana says, in turn, and she does. "Can you help me..?"
Of course, Elisa can help her into her dance floor, guide her where she needs to be. She always has. Yuliana waits, until she is free; she presses her hand, then, into the crystal interface.
"Emptear -- get set!"
As that massive robot initialises, and the Void floods the cracks around herself and consumes her chest and cockpit whole, Yuliana is not greeted with the sight of her hands pressing against solid shadows. No -- she looks into the forest-green of that blindfold and does not see nothing but sees as nothing, as if she were gazing through Emptear's four eyes. The effect is immediate, and all written in her relieved laughter. "Haha... Elya, it's wonderful! I am, I really am!" Her own burden is lifted, as Emptear twirls, in the icy shallows by the Silent Castle; her heels kick up water, but surely Elisa needn't fear. "Not once and once again... we're here! We're really here!"
Sixty metres is an impossible size to become; Rita wasn't wrong about that. But what has burdened Yuliana has never been her power but her conflict -- the tearing-between two worlds, rope in a tug of war between types of reality, half of one and half another. Relieved of the pressure to occupy two bodies at once...
"All right! All right, all right, all right!!" Emptear kicks away from gravity and ascends, at speed, to the vacuum above; but surely Elisa can still watch her, from so far away. Surely she can see the way she dances, even if she takes care not to rip and tear at the ragged edges of reality, this time.
(It would attract attention. They are not ready for attention, yet.)
"Elya, I wanted to say... it's Emptear that was made to protect me! And now -- now, I could take on anyone! There doesn't need to be any secrets between us... Emptear and I, we're a unit! It's only so much because I'M so much, zhenushka!" Dancing should bring a woman joy -- and here, taller than buildings, there is joy in Yuliana's voice and joy in her movements. Joy and manic energy -- but she has always had a touch of mania, about her.
She is amplified, underlined, and she is beautiful.