2023-07-04: On an Azure Journey

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A lone Ichinana thrusts through the rubble of space, its path an invisible line from Orbit Base. The Tsutsujidai PLANT has long since been moved away from the area that was once Junius 7, but even so, it is not abandoned. Dark colors throb and pulse deep within the shattered remains of the space colony where hundreds of thousands died. Even now, and for a long, long time into the future, radiation remains. But that's of little concern to the one that sulks there now, or the one that goes now to meet them.

The entity formerly know as the Glow Cloud pulses a little faster as the Ichinana approaches, steady and straight. They do nothing to stop it, though, only darkening their colors as the Mazinger derivative lands lightly on a nearby rock. The cockpit opens into the vacuum of space, and the silver-haired young man inside smiles.

"Hey," Kaworu greets Duma. "We meet again."

The lightning-like tendrils that thread through the whorling, colorful veils of their body shiver and light up like neurons. It's the first time you've come to me, though.

They don't speak in a way Lilim would normally understand, but that's never been a problem for him. He stands up onto the cockpit's edge, leaving behind a polished wooden case next to the seat. His black plug suit covers his body up to his neck, but he wears no helmet. That's not a problem for him, either. "Yes. You're a gentle soul, so I thought it would be fine if I left you to your own devices. Sadly, I was mistaken."

Are you here to chastise me, too?

"Why do you say that?"

The Lilim and the others who came to me recently, they said I was hurting the Lilim I was taking care of. That I was killing them. And that they need to suffer to live. They flush a murky midnight blue. I don't understand.

Kaworu floats down to sit at the edge of the cockpit, one leg dangling off, the other pulled up underneath him, an arm bent on that knee while the other rests on the ledge beside him. "Lilim are different from us, as you know. They don't bear the Fruit of Life. Consequently, they must continually take in energy from select sources in order to live. While you may have been able to protect them from outside harm, eventually they would have run out of energy and died."

No, I understand that part now. I didn't realize it before, but it makes sense. But I don't understand how they can say they need pain to live.

"Truthfully, I don't fully understand it myself. I agree that it is better to be happy than to be sad," Kaworu admits. "But that is their will. It's what they've chosen for themselves. You can do your best to guide and protect them, but you cannot make that choice for them."

But it wasn't the Lilim saying so.

"They've lived among Lilim for a very, very long time. I can promise you they know."

Duma shifts through shades of blue and purple and green like the ocean depths just at the edge of light. And you know too?

"Yes."

Because you've lived among them for a long time, too.

"Yes."

Can I do that, too?

Kaworu's smile finally fails, dimming away into nothing. "...No. That opportunity is lost to you now."

Why?

"Because our kind are considered the foes of Lilim. No," Kaworu corrects himself with a certain resignation, "we are the foes of Lilim, whether we want to be or not."

But you aren't. You helped kill the others, to protect the Lilim.

"...Yes."

Are you going to kill me, too?

Kaworu's smile returns, rueful. "Those are my orders. But no. I will not, because I choose not to."

Spots of sunrise pink bloom among the cool darkness.

"I'm here," he continues, "to warn you. Those of NERV and of SEELE are calling for your demise."

What are those?

"They are certain organizations. NERV safeguards Lilith, and by extention, Lilim, from us, the get of Adams; SEELE oversees Lilim's progress in accordance with their pact with Lilith. NERV's leader obeys SEELE, for now, and SEELE follows a Scenario that they are determined to see through. That scenario demands that all Angels perish."

All? Even you?

"Yes. But they save me for last."

You help them anyway?

"Yes."

You really love the Lilim.

Warmth crinkles the corners of Kaworu's eyes. "Yes."

For a time, Duma simply shifts colors, dim and slow. Then they surmise: So they will come to kill me.

"They will try. Not all of them, of course. Lilim are small, and they are many, and because they are many, they have many different thoughts and feelings and opinions. This is also true of those who hide among them. Some may try to defend you. But others, yes, will try to kill you."

I don't want to hurt them. Lilim are adorable.

Kaworu sobers. His gaze turns off to the infinite distance, where stars and planets and moons and space shrapnel all hang together equally in the pitch black. "I know."

What should I do?

"There's only one thing you can do: leave."

Leave?

"Yes. Leave this solar system. There are Lilim who live beyond it. You can try again with them, or you can leave them be and find a planet of your own. The Vajra didn't seem inhospitable to you, and as those who have also eaten the Fruit of Life, living with them shouldn't be a problem." Kaworu looks at them. "You don't need to make yourself suffer so you can stay here."

Dim and slow. Dim and slow.

What about you?

He smiles. "I exist on the precipice between Lilim and Angel. One day, my time in this universe will end. But then everything will start anew, and I'll meet him again. As long as that's so, I'm satisfied."

Him?

"You've met him twice now. His name is Shinji--Shinji Ikari, the pilot of Evangelion Unit-01."

What is an Evangelion?

"The Nephilim made to slay our kind. His is the violet one."

The lightning appendages shiver all through Duma's form. They're terrifying. The more I observe them, the more grotesque they become. I didn't know what I was looking at at first, but when I realized, how frightful they became! Them and the Lilim that puppet them both. They pause. They're monsters. All of them.

"I see... So that's why you suddenly became agitated that day in Kamesan Park." Kaworu folds his fingers over his bent knee and settles his gaze there. "You're wrong about one thing, though. They aren't monsters. They're just trying to survive, just as we are. To that end, they'll do whatever they must--even if it means using that which they hate and fear most."

I don't understand.

"It's all right. I didn't either, at first."

Dim and slow.

I really have no choice but to leave?

"There is always a choice. That is what it means to be free."

I don't want to leave. I want to stay.

"Then that is your choice. But, please--you must not rob the Lilim of their choices any further."

Silence.

It remains so between them for a long time. Kaworu is very patient. In time, though, he reaches back into the Ichinana cockpit and pulls out the curving case from before.

"You like music in your own way, don't you?" he says as he flicks the clasps open. "There was a time when I chose to leave, too. Recently, I wrote a song about it. Would you mind if I played it for you?"

A song? ...I prefer the quiet.

"Does that mean you mind?"

...No. Go ahead. I'm curious.

His smile broadens enough to squint his eyes shut. Pulling back the case lid reveals a violin. "Thank you. These days I prefer the piano, but the violin is an old friend, too." With deft fingers, he settles the instrument under his chin, bow resting on the strings. Though space should swallow up all sound, the strings reverberate as easily as his voice does. And though he doesn't voice the words aloud, there are words that go with the melody.

They will neither take the offense, nor go on the defense My feelings are balanced between The brightest shining hope and the deepest dark of despair There my feelings are balanced between...

Duma listens. As Kaworu plays, they begin to 'hum' along with their notes of rests within signal noise. The light of their heart shines out to meet Kaworu's, where they don't erode each other but rather resonate with one another.

How I wish we could still be together But your music, I can now no longer hear From where I drift beyond your galaxy

The elegant sweeps of Kaworu's bow slow, nearly stilling for the breaths neither of them take. Then he draws his arm back to play twelve last bittersweet notes.

Shall I go, all alone, on an azure journey?

For a long time, they don't share any words, if 'words' could really describe how they communicate. The reverberations that linger before fading into silence remain between them.

Then:

Could you play that for me again?

"You liked it?"

I want to know more about what you created, First One. About what makes you like the Lilim.

Kaworu's smile broadens, a hint of laughter on his breath, as he raises his bow again. "Call me Kaworu. That's the name they gave me to make me seem more like a Lilim."

Kaworu...

"They've given you a name, too. They call you Duma, the Angel of Silence."

Golden-pink light grows within them, glowing outwards from their core. Duma... They call me... Duma...

"Yes." His hand is ready, but he waits to glide the bow across the strings. Instead: "I'm glad we had this time together, Duma. None of the others have ever understood me like you have."

...I'm glad, too.

"Listen closely. These are the notes." Kaworu begins to play. As he does, he murmurs, "And these are the words." His voice shifts into a rhythmic chant--not truly singing, but not simply speaking, either. This song he wrote, he wrote to express his love, his pain, and his grief, linking together this time and one of his many times, long ago.

"For your fragile heart, I'll give you one of my many names..."

And once again Duma listens, very carefully. For this is not just the light of Kaworu's heart, but also its darkness.

A question that haunts them both like a spectre. A song that is both an ode to joy, and a dirge for despair.

Shall I go, all alone, on an azure journey...?

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