2023-07-02: Please Stay
- Log: 2023-07-02- Please Stay
- Cast: Leina Ashta, Akane Shinjo
- Where: Villa Mass
- OOC - IC Date: 0097-07-02
- Summary: After a somewhat difficult session, Akane brings Leina home. They have a long talk about where their lives stand, and how to navigate things going forward. It's difficult, but it's worth it.
- CW: Medical details
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Today's session. Well the reaction was mixed. Leina was still in a sort of, disoriented daze after as the IV was removed - since they needed to administer sedatives to even get her into the session in the first place.
So instead, Hinoki debriefed Akane, her chaperone for 'after', within the same room as she changed out of a hospital gown into her clothes.
The Natural Lychee T-Shirt and Skinny Jeans she came in with and was putting back on still look positively baggy on her.
The good news is, they're making progress. The bad news is that while Murasame's notes help a great deal, he had Leina for much longer than Rikka to work with.
Thus, Hinoki is having to play minesweeper in a DMZ, because every so often attempts to go down expected lines cause Leina to just- stop, as if her mind were undergoing a strange Abreaction, trying to pull memories that aren't there.
Or pulling up the wrong memories altogether. They managed to avoid that this time, but they'd had to shut down prior sessions prematurely.
The soundproofing hadn't been good enough to completely stop the screams last time.
Then there's other strange reactions altogether she forgets parts of the session, for Hinoki's progress of sorts to be lost and having to go back.
Slowly, slowly working through to find out the trigger, and avoid it, or render it less harmful. This is a slower process than anyone likes.
The good news is, the 'kill' command that made her go Berserk is gone. But- there's still others left.
She's working with the rest of the staff to devise an action plan from Murasame's notes and what they've learned to deal with his 'countermeasures' going forward.
...---...
On the ride back Leina is mostly in and out of sleep and waking, back and forth. Drowsily opening her eyes, before its like the weight of her own head is too much.
She's definitely not the greatest conversation partner, but by the time they make it back to the Villa, and she's being led inside she looks more alert at least, like the medication has finally worked its way out of her system.
"How... How'd it go?" She asks Akane shakily, after a moment, once they'd almost made it back upt o her room, "I admit I- I can't really remember - what she said - very well."
There's a moment of confusion, as she looks at her, like she's looking at her for the first time. "Akane? I- Oh."
She's dripping with awkwardness for a moment and, "I think- first time we've talked... since?"
She struggles, as if trying to make certain that's true? And coming up short, "I mean... you sent the text... for when I was ready..."
<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.
The more Akane listens to the debriefing, the angrier she gets. Leaving traps for no reason other than to upset a deprogrammer? That's low -- the sort of thing Akane wouldn't have even thought of at her worst.
(She'd been right outside the door, waiting for Leina. She definitely heard that screaming.)
Akane's briefly surprised to hear that, despite putting in for a transfer to Intelligence, she's not getting brought in on these for training; on the other hand, she understands why, given everything that's happened. Leina's median session seems like Rikka's worst. She needs a minute to compose herself when she hears the full extent of what's been done -- and even hearing it secondhand is a truly miserable experience.
By the time debriefing is over, Akane's deeply upset -- but she manages to keep her feelings in check after a little extra talk with Hinoki. (She does ask to be read in on the action plan, even if she's not going to shadow; she does need to learn the practical side too.)
.-. .-. .-.
"... Better than the first one, but not by as much as we'd hope," Akane answers Leina, as they approach her room. "You're definitely making progress. And... that's okay. That's normal. I don't remember anything from the workup Hinoki did for me when I got out, either," she continues. "I didn't even want to do it, but I knew I needed to. ... I never actually let them put me in it after Alexis turned me into a kaiju. That was my first time, ahaha..."
The disorientation is a lot. "Yeah. It's Akane," she confirms, hoping she can give Leina something to hold onto. "Yeah. I've been in Tsutsujidai since the start of last month. We haven't talked since everything that happened."
Getting the door for Leina, Akane carefully guides her toward the bed. Akane's steadier than she'd expect herself to be for this kind of thing. "You're still a little sedated. Do you want anything? I think you're safe to eat..."
After a few steadying breaths in and out, she continues, "We don't have to talk about anything if you don't wanna. But I'm fine with anything."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
There's this absent sort of nod, when she says that it's better than the first one, listening to her talk about when she first got out, but ultimately confesses, "I don't want to do this either." She murmurs to her, miserable, "I hate this."
There's this sense of, helpless resignation about her perhaps. She doesn't have a real choice does she? She can't remain in this state for the rest of her life.
But that extreme, raw honesty, perhaps is better than her suppressing her feelings utterly as she 'sucks it up'.
"Oh. Don't blame you. Safer." Before she repeats after a moment, "Safer there." That's probably not the best feeling to enable in Akane, that Tsutsujidai is safer than...
... but right now with a Federation Execution order out on her by a secret Military tribunal, Leina Ashta does not feel safe in this world.
"Uh. Little something, sure. Nauseous but- got pills." She explains, as she sits down on the bed, and moves over to her nightstand, which has a new grouping of pill bottles. Unscrewing a cap, she takes out one, and puts it under her tongue. "Trying to build appetite again."
'We don't have to talk about anything if you don't wanna. But I'm fine with anything.' Sitting there with eyes down, she lets the pill dissolve under her tongue, before she says quietly, "Uh. God I-" She starts, then stops, and there's a sigh, "I'm in this, weird place, where like, I can't trust how I feel? Like-" Her eyes raise again as she gives Akane a long look, "-should I, apologize to you?"
It's perhaps surprising the sincerity of it, like she's genuinely seeking an answer, "I- I'm- everything in my head, it's still there, so it feels like it's, all my fault, but I don't know- I don't know how much really is, and isn't. It's..."
After a moment, a helpless shake of her head, "...are you able to tell me? Banagher keeps saying- nothing is, but- I-"
It's understandable that Banagher would think that, he'd forgive Leina of anything. ANYTHING. Which is perhaps why, she has to ask, "-I... don't know."
It was easier the other night, to hear the validation from so many, but now when faced by Akane in this vulnerable point, after a session - it feels like the harm she did to her was so much worse.
And so she pulls up her legs on the bed, and puts her forehead to her knees, "Don't know. I don't know. Just feels like... I ruined- everything, for you and Rikka!" It turns quieter, after, "And I don't know."
<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.
"Sometimes, you have to do things you don't wanna do. I mean, for me, like... I at least had enough of my head together to know that I'd hate myself if I didn't do it, right? Like... if Murasame set up some bomb in my head while I was asleep and I ended up getting everyone in 3G hurt, or worse..." Akane gestures vaguely with one hand, saying, "... you get it. I don't want to be used like that again."
The comment about Tsutsujidai being safer gets an, "... I dunno. I did break a promise with Martha. I don't regret doing it, but I think we're both in a bit of a spot." She lets out a sigh, saying, "3G's committed resources against that, and they can stop a lot..." Shaking her head, she says, "It's okay. We'll deal with this stuff as it happens."
Leina answers about food, then, and Akane goes along with it. "Well... if you're only up for something small, I have some peanut butter cups in my jacket pocket. I can make dinner later, too, okay? Or we can order out. Whatever you're up for," she answers, fishing them out of her pocket and offering them to Leina. Originally she'd planned to go get her dinner on the spot, but... right now, this conversation takes priority over cooking.
Getting settled with Leina on the bed, Akane shakes her head. "I can't tell you too much one way or the other. I get why Banagher would say that, but I think it's a little more complicated. He's not great at the complicated stuff." She gives her this awkward look, saying, "Give me a sec? I need to kinda walk myself through this one too."
Letting her own legs dangle off the bed, Akane keeps herself as level as she can. "I don't think you owe me an apology, and I kind of doubt Rikka and Alouette feel that way either. But..." Her head tilts to one side a little, as she works through it. "I think if I just say that, it's probably not gonna register. If it did, I'd have run straight to Rikka or Sayla in Tsutsujidai instead of sleeping on the street, right?"
Where... is she going with this. Where is she going with this. She straightens herself out a little bit, tugging at the light jacket she's wearing. "So let's start here, okay? I don't think you ruined everything for me and Rikka. ... and, uh, normally I think it's kinda weird to kiss and tell, but..."
This thought is enough to get her to genuinely smile. For a second she almost looks a little dreamy. "... we're moving forward together, still. Both of us. If anything I think she's more willing to believe in other people than she's ever been. After entrance exams we're gonna look for a place together... and, uh... haha... hahahaha..."
The giggle is hesitant -- but warm. She leans in toward Leina, and whispers something in her ear.
"So -- yeah. I don't feel like you owe me an apology, and you sure didn't ruin anything!" she finishes. "But that kinda question is something you're gonna be going through for a while, hahaha... I apologized to Gridman for some stuff at the briefing about this stuff, so, you know, it's always gonna be an open question?" Despite her relatively casual cadence, she does look at Leina with earnestness. "But having to go through that kinda question doesn't make you a bad person."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"Yeah." Is Leina's just, sullen answer to that, "Yeah I know."
There's this almost bitterness to that, because ordinarily, Leina is the responsible one. She sucks it up, does things she doesn't want to do all the time. Because it's the right thing to do.
It's just strange to be in a position where she's so terrified of the right thing that... she melted down before going for her first session. She hates it. Even if she knows it's the only option.
"Me neither." She ends the thought quietly, "Still hate it. I feel... trapped, in my own head."
And the only way out, is what put her in this position in the first place.
"She's..." There's a sigh, "... I think it's okay unless you're, real careless. She's just, obsessed with the box, complete monofocus right now." Her eyes wander up, "I just worry because, if she knew Banagher and Mineva were here with me..."
Well, this place feels much less secure when she says that.
"Sure. ... Been a while since I've had your cooking, so- would love to." A moment later, then quietly, almost childishly she adds, "Love peanut butter cups."
She takes them, and there's a crinkle of paper, but she doesn't quite get it open before the conversation takes a turn.
Instead, Akane settles next to her, and she listens, letting her walk through it, a single eye opening and peeking at her from the periphery. As she goes through that she doesn't feel Leina owes her one, but when she notes that it's probably not gonna register. Her head turns side to side with a shake.
It's just, honesty, in that sense. Her head is so messed up. Then she gives Akane an unusual look, as she notes kiss and tell. As her head turns on her knees, enough to rest on her right cheek. And her lips make an 'O' at the smile.
And for a moment, despite the despair, Leina cracks a smile too. It may be transient, not lasting long, "... Congratulations. I'm happy for you. For you both." There's a small, hesitant pause, and, "Gonna miss having you around the home, though."
It's not her trying to stop her from leaving, perhaps it's just... not holding back how she feels on the matter.
As Akane whispers that to her, the smile maintains, for a time, "Hmmm. Well, there's still a lot in my head tells me I'm a bad person. It's just, I think- for the first time in a long time... I can tell myself that, I think that's just, guilt for things that aren't really my fault. Or- if they are, that I was a kid in a bad situation. ... That I was put in a bad situation again."
The smile dims after a moment, as she turns her head back so now her chin is resting on her knees, eyes pointed from just above, "I guess then I'll just, apologize for being indisposed for- all the things I was supposed to do to help your recovery, for a while. That I gave you and Rikka and Alouette such... trouble. My fault or not? Still feels right, to say that."
Now, and only now, she picks back up the package, and puts her knees down, crinkling the paper as she takes out a peanut butter cup, and pops it in her mouth, "There. Now that I've got that out? Now - I feel like I deserve a peanut butter cup."
<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.
"... yeah. If they didn't make it hard for you to ask for help, it'd be harder for them to keep you doing what they wanted. It sucks." It's hard seeing Leina like this -- like all the recovery she'd done since Glemy just... evaporated. For all that Murasame had said the cruelty wasn't the point, and Akane even intellectually knows that in a sense that's true...
... it doesn't really matter what the point was, right now. She sighs, nodding to Leina at the mention that Martha's monofocus will at least delay action against her and Tsutsujidai until after the Box is resolved. "Then we can't let her have it," she says, with absolute certainty. Just because Tsutsujidai isn't 'her city' anymore doesn't mean that it doesn't occupy a special place in her heart. Just because it no longer weighs on her to protect it at all costs doesn't mean she thinks it doesn't need to be protected.
She gives Leina a little time to process, after that -- talk her way around the ideas. "Yeah. It's... gonna take a bit for that kinda stuff to settle in, probably? I was on a pretty okay trajectory after what Alexis did to me, but it wasn't until prom that things started really turning the corner," she affirms, carefully. She reaches just a little over halfway toward Leina with her right hand, letting it rest there. She's not going to outright take Leina's -- but it's important she knows that it's there.
"Haha, it's fine. Like I said, uh -- Rikka and I ended up moving forward a lot the last couple weeks. Definitely could have happened under better circumstances, but it's fine that you were busy." She's so blushy at this part, in spite of herself; when the conversation sticks on Rikka there's always part of her that's going to be a little lovestruck, especially given exactly what they're talking about.
"Anyway -- you're forgiven. You had other stuff going on... hard to be too mad at that," Akane concedes. ... It feels good to have this kind of talk -- to forgive and be forgiven. Akane feels a little of the tension fall out of her shoulders as Leina eats.
After a quiet moment, Akane says, "... actually, I owe you an apology too. I definitely needed you to buy that I did a bunch of horrible stuff to Rikka, but pressing the point until you threw up was a little much." Another moment, as she figures out what to say. "... You, uh -- I never actually said this, but you figured out by now that both the 'activation' and the 'kill' commands were fake, right...? Kingfisher was really about getting her to tell someone it was you in that cockpit. I wouldn't do that to her. No one should do that to anyone." She doesn't meet Leina's eyes for this part, though. "I know asking for much better with my level of training and how crappy the situation was would be too much, but you still deserve the apology."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
A quick nod, she can agree with that, certainly. "From what... I got told, they made it so that, so that I couldn't even recall that I was Puru-1 most of the time, except when it was necessary to. Not until after, Dakar."
There's this bark of laughter, that gets cut off as she shakes her head, "I guess, I guess they figured, why risk the idea I might scheme something that might give it away? Or that - I might just try to bring someone aboard."
There's, this long moment of quiet when Akane says they can't let her have it, then- "I'm going back out there when, it's time for that."
It sounds incredibly reckless and stupid on its face, she needs to focus on recovery, but there's something deadly serious in her voice, "No matter what. I have to."
She doesn't explain that though, at least in the moment.
Her eyes wander back up to Akane, nodding after a moment, "Huh. So that was the moment things really turned around." There's a brief, struggle on her face, of guilt, and wrestling with the idea that her guilt isn't necessarily rational. But most of her guilt was irrational before anyway!
Her head is a mess.
"I'll- I just have to trust that, you're right. That, Hinoki will figure it out. That all of you know better than me right now."
On all things, save one perhaps. She does giggle softly as Akane says they ended up moving forward 'a lot' the last couple weeks. "Hmmm. Almost sounds like you're bragging now." She notes as she catches Akane's blush, and there's a soft tease.
Even in the pit of feeling, it's hard to change who Leina is, apparently. Or who she is now is not so far removed from who she was before. Which is terrifying in and of itself - the gap between...
... herself, and a weapon of the establishment.
"'Other stuff going on.'" Leina chuckles, and shakes her head, "Yeah. Yeah I did. Still." She chews on the edge of a peanut butter cup, before she blinks and looks sidelong at Akane, looking thoughtful, "Well- I figured out at least that you were only playing along enough- to escape."
She tilts her head to the side, "Part of me wondered I guess if you were just covering all angles, telling me what I wanted to hear, but I figured that- yeah."
There's a nod and- "I'm grateful, well, I am now at least. Judau needed to know, so he could go out there and drag me home by the ear."
Her eyes watch Akane, even when Akane's eyes can't quite meet hers, polishing off one of the peanut butter cups. There's a long struggle for her. Even right now, the urge to take care of her is strong.
And Leina's not certain if that urge is coming from the right place, if the comfort she'd offer her is healthy. She spends many long moments in thought, then slowly, shifts her body towards her with gradual scoots upon the bed
"Well- I can't know how I'll feel... about it all, when I'm back in my right mind, but right now at least, the important part is, you and Rikka are back, and moving forward again. So! ... I'll think about it."
It's that exact moment that she leans her head against Akane's shoulder. "If I could have a backrub, I think it'd work well in your favor." She tells her, a touch of low key 'brat' in a teasing way in her voice.
<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.
"The best thing you can do right now is take it easy. It's okay for that to be your fight if you want it -- but you have to want it, and you have to be cleared medically." Akane's not judging -- she's just... matter-of-fact about it. "... if you feel like you have to, I can't really stop you. I don't think it's good -- to become someone who stops people." She sighs, shaking her head. "And if you go out there -- I'll support you."
Trust... that's heavy. But then -- Leina isn't trusting just Akane, either. She's trusting Hinoki, and Sayla, and Rikka, and Judau, and Banagher, and... well, there's a lot of people. Together they can put together the concept of 'up' in a way they probably couldn't on their own.
"Maybe a little," at the mention she's bragging. The brief urge hits to say something overwhelmingly crass -- but it passes. Instead, she affirms, "I'm confident that Rikka and I can handle making our own choices together from here on out." Letting out a dreamy sigh, she adds, "She's so amazing..."
... Akane really needs to stop getting sidetracked thinking about Rikka here!!
Nodding to Leina, Akane says, "Take your time, but don't wait too long, either. It's not a rush, either way." And then Leina makes a request, and...
Akane nods, shifting herself up a little on the bed. "Okay," she says -- and, crucially... she doesn't give backrubs the way Leina does. Hers are pretty irregular -- sloppy, even. Random patterns. Trailing Ses. Her technique is terrible.
But maybe it's fine for it to be terrible. She's got plenty of time to get better. "I guess I'm not as sneaky as I thought," Akane concedes, looping back a bit. "But no, I had a whole plan on how to get out. Going to get Marusan was really about thinning out the security, though, uh, that didn't quite go how I planned... I was originally trying to get Alouette not to come but I wasn't obvious enough. Then again, things would have been a lot harder without her, so I'm kinda glad things worked out like that..."
Her hand trails down Leina's shoulder, then back up the same shoulder, then across. There's something hovering around the edges of this conversation -- something difficult to say, even though it's just three words. Akane takes a deep breath, and --
-- says it. It's true -- and it's what Leina needs to hear, too.
"I missed you."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"Mmmm." Leina hums that noise for a moment, considering, then, "I do want it, but I realize I'm not in, my right mind, and I shouldn't go - even if I was medically cleared. For the first time in a long time, I know I'm supposed to focus on me - and leave, leave that to other people."
There's this, soft exhalation of breath, and a shake of her head as she gives Akane another helpless look, "But - I need to be there, and if I'm not - bad things will happen to everyone. And while I don't want to believe it's true that there's some kind of, fated outcome - these kind of predictions are, correct, almost all the time and I'm not taking the chance that this one is."
Still despite the severity of the topic, there's a giggle as Akane tells her 'Maybe a little'. "Making your own choices. And that includes the choice to make out constantly, I hope."
Well it's probably not as crass as what Akane was going to say. But Leina does maintain the smile, "She is. And so are you, even if you have trouble believing it sometimes."
A quick nod, "I won't keep you waiting. I... do want to get in the right place to have these conversations again, soon as possible."
The backrub begins, and Leina's face is relaxed, but every so often there's this tautness of a muscle in it, as Akane's uneven pace and sloppy patterns hit certain spots. She doesn't complain. That's not the point of this.
Sometimes you can care best for others by just giving them the opportunity to care for you.
"Or maybe I just thought, you were a better person than I was." She tells her quietly, "Had faith in you. Which- easy, when you believe pretty much everyone is a better person than you are."
There is such a thing as being too honest, perhaps, "Doctor Murasame kept bragging about how you'd- become who you used to be in no time at all, because, people don't change." A small pause, "But, he's wrong. Even for all the ways people stay the same, they can change in ways that matter. And you did."
It's hard to believe this for herself, it's still so hard. And almost as hard to believe that for others, but right now at least, it's easy for her to believe it. "S'good plan. I- I was planning on letting you go in the end, when you finally made your escape. Not sure if they wouldn't have, just - activated me. But I was hoping you- hoping you would."
It's not so 'good' as it sounds on its face, after all, she was going to focus on making certain Mineva and Banagher didn't escape, while Akane, Rikka, and Alouette did.
As the backrub continues, Leina makes another sound, "Mmmm." Her eyes lull closed a little, then after a moment murmurs, "Missed you too. It's... It's good to be home."
<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.
Akane glances off at the idea there's some predetermined outcome -- something that needs Leina to be there, something that...
... only Leina can do.
Ah.
"If that's true, then we're going to have to work overtime on helping you," Akane says, instead. "These kinds of things throw up a ton of data, and a lot of it needs to be hand-processed. Hinoki's probably right that I shouldn't be in there with you? But that -- I can do that."
Taking a moment to look up at the ceiling with her hand still moving, she says, "If I can't handle it, I'll call in S --" Here, she pauses. Catches herself. It's something small, but -- this is important too. "I'll call in Kamuy," she says instead, taking a run at the sentence a second time.
It doesn't sit perfectly with her? But she's happier with herself for trying.
"The choice to make out constantly, huh... tempting~" Akane adds, with a smirk. "Really, like, I thought about rescheduling my flight home. But holing up in Rikka's room forever's not actually much better than holing up in mine." Rubbing at the back of her head, she says, "Besides -- I owed you this, today, right?"
Hearing that Murasame expected her to backslide doesn't surprise her. She read her own file, after all. "If he expected that much of a backslide I don't know how he was going to get some of his other objectives done," she says, trying to joke about something that makes her feel a bit self-conscious. ... It mostly works, in part because Leina's as encouraging as she is.
"I changed that much 'cuz I had people like you and Alouette to show me you could change that much," she says instead. "And you can do it again, too. And we're gonna be here every time you fall on the road back to that."
When she leans in next, it's almost like she's got some secret conspiracy she's about to read Leina in on. "You're gonna fall a bunch, but I probably don't need to tell you that. Even Rikka had a session where she just lost it at the techs, so like... it's gonna happen."
"Yeah," Akane agrees, at the end. "I missed it here. But I think it would've been kinda empty without you, too." She pauses at that, and then asks a follow-up question: "... Do you wanna borrow my copy of the Tarabaman X4 game? I lent it to Alouette for a while, and I'm gonna take Rikka through X4-the-series after W... Might be nice to have something to talk about with everyone."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Something only Leina can do.
If she heard it put that way, she'd still be uncomfortable. But uncomfortable or not at the implications of her presence there being critical to the future.
She will rise to that need, that expectation.
"Yeah, I've already asked for, additional sessions." She shifts, again uncomfortable. Like she says, she hates it, "I'd... appreciate that. Sorry to put so much on all of you. I'd much rather go at a slower pace but-" Pause, "Has to be done. I know it's- a lot." She then laughs sharply, "I'm a lot right now."
A small laugh, "Wouldn't blame you, but-" Her head nestles against her shoulder, "-yeah, you did. Promise I'll pay you back with all the back rubs I owe you, one day."
Leina's eyes open, and she gives Akane a look like 'I don't know what that guy was thinking' but, her eyes then close again, "Dunno, he's an asshole. Probably had some science asshole way of doing it. Know now he was planning on, just- running off with us all."
Again she shifts, uncomfortable, the thought of how her life would be right now if he had. That's bad? Bad. Just all bad.
As they speak on change, she cracks a small smile again, "Thanks. And-" The smile fades again, "-yeah I- expect to. I feel like, some kinda helpless kid a lot right now. Even making basic decisions is- hard. Don't trust myself, or how I feel. Want everyone to make them for me." She murmurs, and there's a touch of a sulk in her tone, "Don't like feeling like this."
She's someone who's made her identity being the most responsible person in the room since she was a child after all. Being unable to handle these things... it's horrible for her.
"Be relying on all of you until I'm in a better place."
When she puts it that way at least, she feels less bad about it. She always wants other people to rely on her, so, it's more like, letting everyone return the favor.
There's a prolonged pause as Akane asks the question, then her eyes open and flick up to her and, "... Huh. Yeah sure. Sounds like fun. And my sleep's started to recover, so I don't wanna just, lay around all day anymore."
A moment, a pause, "I'll see if I can get Banagher and Mineva in on it too. Maybe even Roux? Apparently she's a closet fan of Tarabaman."
A beat.
"Even if she thinks anime is for perverts."
<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.
"Okay, good. I'm glad you asked. I'll be at 3G France pretty much daily starting after Friday, then. Montserrat's been pretty understanding about remote stuff, but exams are exams. God, it feels like we just had midterms..." Then again, the time between midterms and finals was... otherwise occupied, for Akane. It's not a surprise it feels like it was just there and went.
"Yeah, and that's why we're all here to help pick you up," Akane shoots back, at 'I'm a lot,' giving Leina a playful little shove before she moves on. "And -- yeah, probably. I, uh..." She turns to Leina a little more directly and says, with some firmness: "I'm literally begging you not to read your own file. I read half of mine and threw up." A beat, as she gestures down toward her knees; while it's been a little while and they've faded somewhat, with attention called to them it's obvious that there's a couple of bruises there. "Had to slide out of my chair and everything! Seriously sucked. Don't read your own file. Don't read your own file. Or any of the others 'cuz they're all crossreferenced in shorthand anyway."
What Leina says... isn't a surprise to Akane. She got used to navigating that feeling for herself, then saw it in Rikka, too. When you're a puppet with cut strings, the urge to beg for them to be repaired instead of learning how to walk is always there. Sometimes Akane's still there, about some topics.
"Oooh, big watch group. We're gonna have to coordinate on that," Akane enthuses. "And I mean -- anime, tokusatsu shows..." Here she pauses, glancing off -- and a smile starts spreading across her face as she leans in toward Leina, stopping the backrub to give her the biggest shit-eating grin on the planet.
"She's right! All that stuff is totally for perverts! I got Rikka up to speed on the kind of stuff I like by showing her episodes of Tai! Most stuff is for perverts." She cracks up at that, before scooting along. It's probably best that doesn't get examined too closely.
Delivering a ridiculous statement seems to buoy her mood. "And, hmmm... if you want, and you're feeling up to it," she adds, "you can help me plan snacks for whoever comes and watches on the couch instead of over Comet or VERTEX or whatever? I don't actually know how everyone eats yet... -- Oh, I bet Chris will want in, too." It feels nice to talk to Leina about something mundane like -- snacks, and planning to watch something, and not... everything that's happened, even if it's only for a moment.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"They are NOW at least. I think they're still smarting from the fallout of the decision to make me repeat the year- despite ranking three in my class, and you know - Vist coming on campus to violate my civil rights?"
There's a shake of her head right now, ah, how she wishes they could go back to the halcyon days of civil rights violations rather than crimes against humanity, "Ah well, I'm glad the accommodations they're willing to go to now are helping everyone. They're only really making me really repeat content that, I missed- so it was going to be an easy year."
The playful shove at least earns a laugh, "Pick me back up? Does that mean you're gonna miss me on the trust falls?"
But she grows quiet as she's asked not to read her file, and her eyes move to Akane's, something haunted in them. Then she slowly nods, "That bad? I'm- okay. I'll just, spare myself that."
Some part of her wants to, some part of her really wants to, but she knows she shouldn't. "Alright. I'll just... I'll just ask Hinoki to remove my access to it, to remove temptation. I know she's trying to- trying to give full transparency but... I haven't looked yet, anyway."
There's a long pause, a deep breath, and she tries to get away from those feelings like she has no true agency in this moment.
"Yep. Should be fine though- and..." That shit eating grin, there's a laugh from Leina and- "I PREFER to think of myself as sexually liberated." As she just gives the mildest pushback, "So I'm gonna keep arguing with her to her face, EVEN if I concede she has a point in private, to you."
She looks Akane in the eye, "To you and nooooo one else." Before she then asks, and Leina thinks for a moment and then, "Sure? We tried putting me on a call yesterday with a lot of people. Was worried, but I think it was- good for me."
And then a smile, "So, I'll do it - and yeah let's get Chris in on it, she'll like that I bet. Right now she's just - this whole bundle of anxiety. Can feel her from here."
<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.
"Yeah, uh, at first it was... kind of... an argument, hahaha..." Akane admits. "And like -- it's way less permissive for remote stuff in terms of how you do it than Tsutsujidai or Jindai are, still? But it's better than nothing." It's a deceptively heavy topic. "Maybe they'll get better about it... actually, I should leave some feedback myself?"
She laughs back a bit, saying, "I'm just saying, sometimes you'll fall and no one'll be around, but... you know what, this metaphor is getting away from both of us. We're there for you."
Leina says she'll have her access to the Murasame files revoked -- and Akane nods. "You're free to open that back up whenever you want, but -- that's for the best, probably," she affirms, letting her hand slide up to Leina's shoulder again and giving it a half-squeeze before sliding back down.
Breathing in and then out, she approaches the more playful topic. "Oh, is that what we're calling it, huh," she teases, removing her hand from Leina's back to give her a gentle poke on the forehead. "That's fine, either way."
It's when Leina mentions she can feel Chris from anywhere that Akane's legitimately surprised. "Huh -- you can feel her like that? That's... well, that seems like a good sign, I guess." Akane's own sense of other people isn't that developed -- indeed, she's had to pull herself back from that sort of awareness a little bit as part of her recovery. "Great, though. I know we're going to need non-carbonated drinks, and... hmmm..." She taps her chin, adding, "I think we'll want a good mix of salty stuff and sweet stuff, too?"
... there's something that nags at her as she continues thinking about next steps, though. "Do you want to -- uh, like... well, I shouldn't push on this too hard, but it might be a good idea to make a couple other longer-term plans, too. X4 is 39 episodes, so that's gonna be a bit of a project, but it shouldn't be the only project..."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"I'll..." Initially Leina speaks like she was going to do something about it, but then sorta sighs, looks conflicted for a moment, and- "...let... mom handle it. They weren't supposed to make it an ordeal for you."
That's, a new thing isn't it? Her calling Sayla that? But at least Leina realizes she's not in a state for- confrontation of school administrators right now.
Even if that used to be something she'd leap at, herself.
"You are." She allows another thin smile, "And I appreciate it - and will appreciate it-" Briefly she peels herself away from Akane, hanging on with one arm as she bends at the back, "-as I dramatically flop on the floor, alone, and forgotten-!"
While in that position, she turns her head and winks at her, before moving back into that back rub position, "Yes! That's exactly what we're calling it." As she playfully shoves her, at the gentle forehead poke with an indignant pout.
"Yeah, she's not a Newtype but I've known her for years. It's tougher but when emotions run high?" She turns her head and looks at Akane, "Just can. And right now my walls are- shot."
Which is, a worrisome statement as it's how Leina protected herself from things from giant crowds and the like, but- it might just be a symptom of her current state.
"Salty... and sweet... okay. Shouldn't be hard. Can do that. Just planning a watch party." Her mind briefly wonders, is that really okay? But, she really does want to do- something for others, and this feels like something she can handle.
"Hmmm." She tilts her head to look at her, "Well we could finish Wonderful Persimmon. Then there's Natural Lychee." A soft chuckle, "Or dark horse candidate, Gekiganger. Me and Banagher could only get a few episodes. Or just, more Tarabaman? Whichever season you'd think I'd like."
Despite it all, this is progress. After all, Leina couldn't even make the choice of whether Sayla and her should try to watch Persimmon together on the night she was... saved. And now at least she can make a list.
Progress may come slow, but it is coming.
<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.
Akane's eyebrow rises just slightly at Leina calling Sayla 'mom,' but she doesn't make a big deal of it. If Leina's heart is opening up again that much -- that's probably fine, even if it means that, as she later points out, her walls are a little bit shot.
The breaking-down and rebuilding of walls... it's something Akane has some feelings about. In the long term, it... well, it's cruel that it had to come this way -- for all of them. But she definitely believes Leina can make it to the other side of that kind of project.
Leina playfully, dramatically falls over, and it's a bit of a relief for Akane. She's sure that on some level this is performance -- much like some of her own recovery on Orbit Base. But a Leina who's up to performing at all is still an improvement from the truly despondent, despairing person they first recovered.
Akane nods to the comment on Chris, and then lets Leina sort out the snacks in her head. It's only a little momentum, and if pressed, Akane'd admit that she feels like she's feeding Leina an answer that's convenient for her. But maybe it's better to start with an imperfect first step than sit perfectly still forever.
"It's okay if you need help with it, too. After stuff like this it's... hard to know what is and isn't gonna be hard. But... I think it'll go okay." She thinks about that for a few long seconds. She feels so underqualified, the longer she talks to Leina. Like she's just winging it.
(... isn't everyone just winging it? No one gets two cracks at one day.)
"I'll go through the list. There's like fifty years of that stuff, haha... we'll have to figure out some good options. I'm game for finishing Persimmon, too... I seriously need to update my blog." She hasn't forgotten about cataloguing Persimmon monsters and their relationship with Tarabaman!
"Do you want me to stay in here with you?" Akane asks, after a little more thought. "I wanna bring my laptop in, but like -- I can camp out on the floor."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
There's just a nod to wanting help on it, but honestly if someone asked her if she wanted help on anything right now, she'd probably say yes.
Her state may suck, but it's at least forcing her to acknowledge that the way she lived before was not, the healthiest.
If all it took was just removing a few blocks from a haphazard Jenga tower.
When she does ask if she wants her to stay, "Please. I-" She closes her eyes for a moment, then, "-I don't ever want to be alone right now."
And Akane might know why, more than most people. The sensory deprivation, the isolation tests...
"Mmmm, for most people, I'd say the floor, but you? You're welcome on the bed." She says after a moment, "Think everyone would... get it right now."