2023-07-02: .dial up a survivoR
- Log: .dial up a survivoR
- Cast: Yuliana Kafim, Leina Ashta, Banagher Links
- Where: Villa Mass / The Silent Castle (Video Call)
- Date: 2023-07-02
- Summary: After some particularly taxing Voidframe testing, Yuliana decides to give Leina and Banagher a call instead of trying to go outside. She has a... unique angle on matters, but she offers her insight to help Leina -- and does, indeed, seem to be trying to help Leina, in her way, though her perspective is twisted. Banagher offers Leina his own support, even as he realises the enormity of the experiences shared between the two women. Leina finds the strength to stand up for herself, if only in a small way. Meanwhile, Yuliana neglects to mention her own problems to the youth.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
OST: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xN0FFK8JSYE Flyleaf - All Around Me
She promised.
Yuliana breaks her promises habitually -- she is a liar; but not a promise this important, not a promise to her wife. She promised to achieve greater heights with Emptear, and that is why she slips on her bangles and her anklets, once Elisa helps her to her cockpit.
--------------------------------- | Llyph ot th'ioll | | EMPTEAR | | Y-yth'yollyshy-k... OK | | Ll:o sh'jsth'ianish llkh'ioll | | Tiallth'ou-j llkh'ioth'you | ---------------------------------
Her hand to the crystal, she takes a breath, she declares: "Emptear -- get set!"
And all the nerves of her body open to one. Forever, she goes on FOREVER, rising there in front of the Silent Castle. She feels ill for a passing moment, but Elisa is clever and forward-thinking, and Yuliana has already taken anti-emetics to make sure her stomach can't roil overmuch.
"See you again," she murmurs, she thunders, as she turns and begins to walk into the frozen ocean. It's her projected path, as all sixty metres of Emptear disappear into the deep.
Below the ice, she places a hand to the dark floor of her crystal cavern. She lowers herself sitting, and Emptear does, too, water rushing and raging about her. Her massive legs fold, across each other; her hands settle, palm-up, on her knees, elbows warmed by the dancer's cloth around her arms and her arms. She sits and she exists, with herself, in silent meditation.
It should not be as harsh as it is.
The pressure of the water pushes in on her, all carried through the harmonic thrum of that treated green fold quartz. Emerald and shining dark, they surround her, the richest cavern in their possession: set in panels of more conventional crystal, the screens and panels around the edges of Emptear's dance floor, they reverberate with each other. The noise isn't noise, a vibration which only plunges her to unmatched depths of silence.
She begins to sweat, though she's feeling cold. She can feel her teeth, as her breath pours over them, through her open lips. Her head aches, aches all over, her skull an iron maiden for her brain. In the emptiness, an invitation: Kh'ani:a llkh'ou-sh'iall, nilj llou-fia...
"Yes," Yuliana sighs, into the silence. She asked Elisa to keep an eye on her, but she does not think of what her wife must see, reduced to nothing but herself. She trembles inside her skin, as if she will shake her very chassis apart. Has she sat here for seconds? For minutes?
For hours?
For some reason, locked in this isolated sea, she grows fearful. She can still her hands no longer. Her mind races. She is not sure if her eyes are closed or if they are open, when she reaches out -- with hands which have always felt large enough to crush wanzers in palm -- to lightly trace the jagged edges which emanate from her weakened point. She is a crack in reality. Emptear only amplifies her self. It would be so easy for her to trace those cuts, with her silks. Trace them, tear them open. Kh'ani:a th'ou ni:a.
"I hear You," Yuliana says, entranced. Her hand meets faint resistance, and her eyelids flutter -- open; she looks at the solid shadow, in front of her eyes. Her gaze has to track further, to those clear quartz screens all inlaid with green fold amplifiers, to see what it is; a massive iceberg, made utterly trivial against the side of her fingers. "I'm in here," she speaks, and speaks slowly: "it's outside..." Her fingers cradle that black shadow, and she feels the way it resists the brush of her fingertips, lending her the tactile existence she would otherwise lack here on her empty dancefloor.
"I'm not... here," she murmurs, as her fingers flex, and without care or effort that massive iceberg is crushed in a single touch. Her hand shakes and trembles, but not from that exertion. She isn't aware of how her heart is racing, though her hands come to her chest, fingers sinking into the edges of the emanating Void which consumes Emptear's more plainly than her own.
"Less than my fingertips," she breathes, as she looks down at her hands, endless gaze unfocused. Slowly, experimentally, she presses them into her chest. With more force, and more -- as if she could rip her very heart out, with her inside. Infinite recursion, Matryoshka of nonexistence! "I am... that I am... that I am... that I am... that I am..." The mantra spills from her lips, instead of any expression of pain.
Her voice is the only thing that fills the cockpit, too. At least until Elisa's voice cuts in, caring yet firm: "That is enough for today. Return to me, my Yuliana."
Yuliana gasps, looking up; her eyes widen, shaken from her solitary reverie. "Elya..?" She asks the systems which report her voice. "A...all right." She ceases her attempt to press into the Void of herself; she presses her massive hand to the sea floor instead, and pushes herself standing, again. She is at least able to make the walk back to Kaffeklubben's shore on her own. When Elisa retrieves Yuliana, she embraces her, assures her she's done well, helps her to a bath she had the servants draw. All comforts are availed her.
Yuliana soaks for a good while; long enough that someone has to bring in another bucket of water, heated by the fire, to keep the basin comfortable. She hadn't realised just how much her muscles would ache, even just from sitting down. But she does feel better, afterwards -- after a servant helps her to their room, into some dry and comfortable robes, sitting on their lounge. (Elisa will already be busy, Yuliana supposes, reviewing the data from Emptear; her wife's diligence is second to none, and she doesn't fault her for being busy, in this moment.)
As that servant brushes her teal hair, she asks, with a look to the robes Yuliana's chosen: "Will you be travelling, today, my lady?" She's one of the women who Elisa offered an alternative to the REA; people like her are inured against atrocities, and inclined to take refuge in a place safe for apostates, it's entirely possible for them to pay her enough to tolerate what she sees in these halls.
Yuliana wanted people she could talk with, after all. Now they've made the transition, and the people she can't talk with... don't cross into her field of view, any more.
(They're downstairs, strictly speaking.)
"... no," Yuliana sighs, after a moment's lingering regret, as she releases any hopes she'll have the energy to go outside today. (Or tomorrow, she suspects, by the aching in her brain and her bones. Emptear is her armour, but she's still not used to it. That's why she has to do this work, for Elisa.) "No, not today. I'm... tired." She closes her eyes, for a moment, and takes a breath.
"Bring me my phone," she decides, instead.
...---...
Yuliana reaches out to Banagher, first, to ask if Leina is well, to ask if she can call them. She'd like to speak with her, she says. She'd like to see that she's okay.
If that's all right, of course.
When she opens her camera, the lighting in her room is cosy -- there are no windows, in this room, so most of the light comes from the fireplace she's sitting in front of. Black robes cross over her shoulders, obscure the fine rose-gold chain of a necklace; her hair is still a little damp, though it's drying quickly enough, in front of the crackling flame. (Her frills she's tucked behind her ears. No need to alarm them.) She looks a little weary, but she's smiling, and it looks perfectly warm.
"Good... evening?" A light note of query, as Yuliana notes the lighting on the other end of the screen. She sounds a little off-kilter, trying to place a time to a place. It's only momentary, though, as she shakes her head, still smiling. "Nasya... Leyasha. I'm glad to see you well. And, I'm... glad to have the opportunity." It's a shred of humility, and Yuliana will play at it being meant for them.
(It's Elisa who assured her she'd still have time for her little outings and diversions, though.)
She leaves her greeting open-ended, though, as if to let Banagher and Leina set the pace of the encounter. It's better to give that impression, she thinks. ... anyway, she doesn't know what Leina's had to do, lately. If it was something taxing...
Anyway, she listens.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
There are few things about Leina Ashta's life that can be considered fine right now. She's been trying her hardest to make the best of it. This idea of trusting others, because she can't trust herself.
Anchoring herself upon others.
Right now it's upon Banagher primarily, for it's his shift. And there comes a moment when the two are cuddling in bed, her eyes drowsing in her continual quest to make up for the damage a man did to the natural rhythm of her body.
BGM Change: I can't feel you - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2MCJoVghcQ
Then abruptly nothing. Something is wrong. Banagher will feel it that in this moment she isn't right beside him.
There is an absence.
There's a sharp, panicked breath from her, and suddenly her fingers are like claws, as they latch to him, cling to him, as she starts to sob.
"I can't feel you- I can't feel you! Where did you go-!?"
Her breathing is ragged, as she holds onto him, knuckles bone white. "I can't- can't- you promised - you wouldn't - wouldn't leave me alone. Promised-!"
She buries her face against him, breaking down further and further into hitching panicked sobs, "Why!?"
It doesn't last long, not too long until she is back. However, she's certainly freaked out, her grip relaxes just subtly, but she still holds onto him for dear life.
And doesn't say anything else for some time.
...---...
She's still coming down from the encounter, at the time of the phone call, off camera. Her hands still hurt from the spasms, but she's medicated, and the panic's edge has finally been blunted just enough.
She lets Banagher take the call, and Yuliana's first sight of her will be at the edge of the camera, in lavender pajamas that look two sizes too large for her, dabbing her eyes with a tissue.
There are a lot of tissues nearby, some still on the bed, some in the wastebin. She's so thin, a week back isn't even close to enough time to begin recovery.
"Ah- Yu-Yuliana. Um- Hi."
Her room is shockingly normal for a girl her age. Sheryl Nome and Haro memorabilia on the walls, pictures all around the room of volunteer trips and school trips and yes - of her time in the AEUG as well.
"I'm- I'm glad to have the opportunity- too, uh-!" She sniffs, "God... sorry, I'm a mess right now. It's okay- just need a second, I've- I've really wanted to talk to you."
As such, she doesn't ask Banagher to put off the call, but she does... take... a second.
<Pose Tracker> Banagher Links has posed.
Whenever Banagher has time with Leina, he can be found pressing close to her -- as close as she desires. He's been very clear she can ask for space, and say no whenever she wishes to. But it's comforting to both of them to feel each other. Leina and Banagher's bond is powerful, but there's something different about feeling in the physical realm.
As Leina drowses in and out, Banagher quietly works on a bright red Haro. It's fully assembled, so now comes the programming. That's the hardest part by far. Humming to himself, he taps away at a pad with his one free arm (the other wrapped around Leina's shoulders).
Everything is fine -- until it isn't. Banagher's golden eyes open wide, panicked, the second he feels that change come across Leina. His pad and the poor red Haro go toppling to the floor as he turns to face her, wrapping his arms around Leina tightly.
"I'm here! I'm here, I promise!" Banagher's voice is frantic. What's happening? "I promise, Leina, I'm right here!"
Pulling her close, one hand comes up to touch the back of her head, cradling her in his arms. "I'm right here, feel my arms?" He tries to sound calm. "See? It's -- okay, it's okay, I'm here!"
It doesn't last long. Banagher can't banish the tears that form in his own eyes as Leina quietly clings to him. He doesn't move, holding her tightly as long as she wants him to. Filling the silence feels right, and so Banagher rambles on about his plans for the Ra Mari II's Haro.
---
Banagher must've asked a dozen times if Leina was sure about the call. It took him a while to respond to Yuliana's messages -- so focused on Leina he didn't notice her VERTEX until Haro hands Banagher his phone.
"H--hi, Yuliana." Banagher greets. He has certainly looked better -- there's still a terrified edge to his expression left over from Leina's panic. "Good evening! It's just after dinner here. Um."
He's trying to fill the silence again, give Leina the second she asked for.
"You look really nice. I like the necklace." Banagher gestures to his own throat. "It feels like another life since we last talked..."
Banagher takes a second himself, looking distant. Then, at Leina's sniff, he turns to her, kissing her cheek. "You're doing great. We're gonna go at your pace, don't worry at all, love."
"We're all recovering, I guess." Banagher gives a wan little smile. He can tell how hard Yuliana is trying, and he's grateful for that. "How have you been, Yuliana? Are you... after, um. After that battle -- I didn't think you'd want to chat anymore."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Oh, yes, they're both absolutely devastated by... something. Yuliana tilts her head, raptorlike, blinking her strange green eyes. "Thank you," she says, first, of her chain, and the camera captures her fingers pressing against it. "It was a gift." At the end of the necklace are her treated green fold quartz, of course, that one powerful crystal assisting in the charge of the lighter two which flank it. (That's more or less what Elisa told her, anyway.) But it's against her skin, not over her clothing; she tucked it into her robes before she opened the call.
Which took long enough. She manages to keep her irritation over Banagher's tardiness from her smile, though. Instead: "... did I call too soon?" She asks, a little uncertain, or concerned, or disappointed. (It's ambiguous on purpose.) She looks to Banagher, and to Leina, with a light frown. "If I'm bothering you..."
She trails off, for a moment, and then shakes her head. "I... have a responsibility," she picks her explanation carefully. "We needn't speak of it -- I'm sure it's not something Leyasha needs to dwell on, right now. But my duties to this world do not preclude me from having interests in this world, you know." A light pause, "... and I've earned the right to occupy myself with your condition, at present." She put in the work; she should get to distract herself a little. Isn't that fine?
Isn't it?
Yuliana puts her anxiety and Her unfathomable pressure to the side, as she smiles, to the two of them. "I have been worried for you, you know. You were... kind to me, when I escaped. I wanted to... well, I'm pleased to hear you're recovering, anyway."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
It's hard to say how much Leina hears Banagher in these moments. In the aftermath of everything, she's relied so much on her Newtype senses to navigate her feelings that it's almost like her normal senses are distant.
Touch, Hearing, Sight.
He's here, but he's also not, and she's alone.
When she can feel him again, she just listens to him talk about the Ra Mari II's Haro as she starts the slow process of trying to catch her breath.
...---...
He's asked so many times, and so many times she's told him yes. She never has once sounded annoyed at him asking though.
Just freaked, that panic having eased to this low key anxiety.
"Ah. No- no not too soon. Just- had a-" Had a what? "-an, episode." It's the best descriptor she can give for something she doesn't quite understand.
Before she scoots closer to Banagher, trying to crack a smile at his kiss on the cheek. "Okay. My pace. I'll- figure that out as we go."
Taking his hand, she squeezes it quietly, as if needing the reassurance by a sense that feels less acute than the others. "Earned the right?"
A small tilt of the head, and she sounds genuinely confused, "I- the way we left off, I honestly thought you'd never want to speak to me again. I'm just... just happy to hear from you."
Her eyes slide away, "Ah... uh..." For a moment, it's uncertain what she ought to say, then, "I can't... I'm in a weird place right now. I can't really, trust what's in my head, or how I feel. As it's all- how they made me feel. And I know it's me but it's also- not really."
There's this, quality to the words like she's repeated them a lot, or at least the same idea of them. Like it's scripted, because it has to be in a sense, as she's not certain how to articulate this otherwise.
"Should- I apologize to you for... how we - how we left off? Would you like one? I'm..." She trails off, and Banagher can feel her fingers holding onto him more tightly, "... I don't feel capable of really, judging whether one is warranted, at the moment."
<Pose Tracker> Banagher Links has posed.
"No, sorry. We're a bit late. You're definitely not bothering us, both Leina and I were happy you wanted to chat." Banagher's smile is kind -- if a little wary. The last time they met, he tried to shoot out the Emptear's cockpit, after all. "After everything..."
Banagher squeezes Leina's hand in return. Reassurance is murmured, more sounds than words. She knows what he would say, by now. Words he's repeated again and again since Leina came home.
Yuliana has a responsibility? Banagher glances to Leina. "I see." He chooses to let that be, for now. "I'm glad we're still worth occupying yourself with." These words are accompanied by a slightly teasing smile, though Banagher quickly grows more serious. "Thank you for worrying. It's really nice to see you smile again."
With a soft noise, Banagher looks from Leina to Yuliana. How did they leave off? "What do you mean?" He asks, quietly. "Do you just mean that battle? It's okay if it's private, too."
Fighting the Emptear in space was a terrifying experience, made all the worse by the Banshee's presence, at the time. But, looking back -- Banagher's brow furrows -- Yuliana spoke to the pilot of the Banshee quite cruelly. Golden eyes track back up to Yuliana.
"..." He doesn't know if he should speak up. "...I don't think you need to apologize." Is what Banagher settles on, after a moment. "Not until you're more sure of things. If anyone would understand, it's Yuliana, right? But it's your choice, love."
"We'll both," slight emphasis on that word, "accept your choices." Banagher squeezes Leina's hand again.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Oh, being entirely generous, Yuliana doesn't blame Banagher for shooting out the cockpit. He aimed for the area where space was most wrong, but could he have known that was where Yuliana was dancing? She won't just assume that his reactive hatred of the Void's core was an attempt to kill her.
"Of course," Yuliana excuses Leina's episodes, and she's kind about it, all told. "I understand." She actually does, as far as she knows; she remembers her mood swings, after her own escape.
(Surely Alma remembers them, too.)
"You're welcome," she smiles, to Banagher, generous enough to share that smile with him. She just hums vague assent, as Leina examines how she's earned the right, but she doesn't interrupt her halting thoughts. She's happy...? Good, Yuliana thinks.
And then she comes to a question.
Obviously Leina should apologise for what she has done. It's as plain as the eternal-shining day, out there, though there's no windows to see it; Elisa has always supported Yuliana, in finding where the blame lies, so she doesn't need any prompting to know the truth now. But the truth is a demanding thing. Not everyone is suited to it. In a situation like this...
"No," Yuliana lies, and lies easily. Because she is a liar, you see; if the lie sounds like truth, it is because she is a very good liar, indeed. "It was... a complicated situation, and I regret that it happened the way it did... but I was afraid for you, Leyasha." She closes her eyes, takes a breath, and ties it back to them: "As were we all." And perhaps it is private -- because she offers no explanation to Banagher at all.
"But... I will apologise," she volunteers, shockingly, and with a shade of distant regret, "for I became too entangled in the reeds of the situation, and lost sight of what mattered, all in all." It's not an apology for Leina, but she'll pretend that it is, because it's the apology she can justify making.
She shakes her head, and does her best to speak gently. "No... as for you, that's not a choice you should make right now," is her advice, instead. "Because you'll be over-sensitive to rejection for some time, and your hunger to set things right will catch many situations which don't warrant apology. I should hope that no one would take advantage of such a thing, but I wouldn't like to see you lowering yourself without just cause." That much, even, isn't a lie at all; just because she owes it to Yuliana doesn't mean Yuliana expects her to offer it to everyone.
Indeed, she's rather jealous of that sort of thing.
Yuliana is quiet, for a moment; her fingers curl, at her chest, playing at the hem of her strange black robes. The camera doesn't catch all their details, which is a shame. It's beautiful, on her scarred skin. "I will say, I... understand the position you may find yourself in, now," she ventures, a touch uncertain. "Where you can't trust yourself, I mean. You'll find the body of work on de-indoctrination helpful... when brainwashing is that pervasive, one really needs a different approach." Her finger runs down that chain, in a light tap, as she settles on: "... or I could talk to you about it sometime, if you like."
She makes it the second option, as if to give Leina resources which don't rely on her.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Banagher asks if she means just the battle, and for a moment her mind gets, caught up in the feelings of Ra Shalom, the look in her sea green eyes distant.
"The battle. Right... the battle."
There's a pregnant pause, just this moment of complete silence, before she squeezes Banagher's hand tightly, "Not alone. I'm... not."
Did she really answer the question though?
Her attention seems to snap back into focus before long, as Banagher tells her she doesn't need to apologize. And she smiles, but it seems like a fragile thing.
"You'd forgive anything, love." Her opposite hand is stretched over, placing it on the back of his hand holding the other, as she rubs it, "I need to know what other people I wronged think... too. And I wronged a lot of people."
Yuliana does answer though with a 'No', and Leina's eyes track her as if to ask 'Are you sure?' but the words never come out. As she apologizes back, Leina looks briefly stunned, "I- well." Her eyes close, as she tries to refocus on the situation, "I can understand losing sight of what matters. I did. Right now I- still have trouble. I need..."
Her hand squeezes Banagher's hand again, "... reminders." There's a small pause, and then, "Thank you. You tried to help me when... I really needed help. I won't forget that."
How will she remember it though, when she's in a better state of mind?
Her eyes look upon her, as she listens about her state of mind, and she finds herself chewing on her bottom lip, because it's spot on before her front teeth release its grip on the inside of her lip, "You're right. You're... absolutely right. That's, where my head is at right now, and logically I know this but-"
There's this shake of her head as if to say it doesn't matter what her rational mind thinks, "I'm just having to rely on others to, judge for me, to make certain I'm not taken advantage of. The- the conditioning is still there, though we're working on it."
A choice is offered, and for a time, Leina looks lost. Over something so basic. 'From resources, or from Yuliana.'
Her eyes look sideways at Banagher, and the look she gives her as if she were just, helplessly lost over something so simple.
"I, ah." She takes a moment, then, "From you?" She looks at Yuliana again, as if checking if that's the correct answer, before settling on, "From you. We can, talk about it."
<Pose Tracker> Banagher Links has posed.
Banagher receives very, very few answers. This is frustrating, but he deals with it. Questions can always be asked later. It's more important that Leina is making a healthy connection with someone.
"You're not alone." Banagher reinforces, squeezing Leina's hand, an echo of her actions.
Yuliana expresses that she was afraid for Leina, and Banagher's expression softens. "We were..." He agrees, quietly. Then, far more shockingly, Yuliana apologizes?! Banagher blinks in surprise, only just managing to stay quiet and listen to her words.
If she's lying, Banagher would never know. He takes her at face-value, and his eyes brighten as Yuliana speaks. Maybe... this really is okay. Maybe it was a good idea to accept Yuliana's call. This is exactly the sort of thing Leina needs to hear right now.
"Not quite anything." Banagher says, quietly, of his easy forgiveness. But any wrath that the concept may have awoken is soothed immediately by Leina's hand rubbing his own. Even so, he nods, accepting Leina's decision -- though he wants to protect her from anyone who might mean harm, it's going to be important for Leina's recovery to rebuild her sense of agency.
A soft smile, encouraging, toward Leina. "We'll be here as long as you need us. No matter what."
Banagher tilts his head toward the camera, listening to Yuliana's offer. Despite all of Yuliana's kindness in this call so far, he feels... wary of her offer. Can someone really go from a screaming, ranting maniac in a giant mobile suit to kind and calm enough to offer brainwashing resources?
Leina looks to him, and he hesitates, stuck in his own consideration -- but, happily, Leina makes a decision. "From you?" Leina asks, and Banagher nods to her, smiling. Besides, if this goes badly, he can always end the call. They're fully in control here, there's no real risk.
"I'd like to hear what you have to offer, too." Banagher backs Leina up, looking to Yuliana. "I'm grateful for any help. I want to make sure I'm doing the best I can for Leina."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
How will she remember it, later? That's the problem Yuliana's set herself to solving, right now. It's an interesting problem, because she can't just presume access to Leina, the way she can with Alma these days. She has to deal with rules of engagement, here... and she has to present herself correctly.
Though, why does it matter? Why does Leina matter, to her? Doesn't Yuliana have more important things to occupy herself with...? What is her motivation, here, distracting herself with a Newtype just because -- what, because she told a story of emptiness at the right time?
(... maybe Dr. Murasame was right about her.)
"There's a difference between knowing something and knowing something," and the camera picks up a shrug, as Yuliana leans back against her couch. "It's fine if you don't 'know,' as yet. Learn the true and logical explanation, and explain it to others. You may find in time that you're able to absorb it better yourself, though it's difficult to believe right now." And her advice is... psychologically sound, but...
It's telling that Yuliana advises Leina to accept the truth of something by acting as if it's true, even if she doesn't accept that it is.
"In any case... if you're sure," and she lingers on the speed check, deliberately, the syllables hanging in the air for delicate moments. The sentence doesn't end; it just stops. "Do stop me if it's too much," she offers, instead, and her gaze tracks past the camera, to gaze into the flickering fireplace instead.
"They put psychological triggers into me, too," she relates, a touch distantly. "But they rarely used them. They were... matters of last resort. More often they'd just... refer back to them. Lean on them. They'd say, 'tell me', and, well -- it wasn't the command -- but I felt some pressure to answer, anyway. And of course that was bad, but..." Yuliana sighs, and her eyes close, for a moment. The edge of her camera catches one hand holding the other, at her chest, fingers playing across her wedding rings.
"The Republic's control is... pervasive. In class, in school, we are taught of the Chairman, and we are taught of the State, and we are taught that matters of the world are handled by our agents, and we are taught to be complacent. Even someone like me, who was taught to look straight at that complacency... well, it is a country which accords very much trust and reliance on its authority. My father's a military man, so I knew that very much, though my mother had a more measured view of the whole apparatus. And even saying that, the state's betrayal didn't much lead to her shifting her beliefs... she just turned our household to the NIA." Yuliana laughs, a touch bitter. "Well, she convinced my father, anyway. I kept telling my parents I'd very well kiss a Coordinator if I felt like it -- it was terribly disrespectful, but given I was around your age, I suppose you can understand? Personally, I think they're tragically misguided... but it's not right for me to tell my parents what to believe. Which," she sighs, and spells it out, "you see, is the cultural habit which encourages this sort of thinking, in the REA. It begins in all of us."
Yuliana's quiet, for a moment.
"It's called indoctrination because it doesn't change your personality, I suppose. It becomes your personality. Who you are, and what they want you to think... the two become impossibly intertwined." Her hand squeezes itself a little more tightly. "When I was... in Medical, they just pushed on the same idea. Made it stronger, made it more difficult to deny. When I met you -- I would have said the Republic was great, I would have said I loved my job, I would have said I was happy. Maybe I even did... well, back then, I believed those things. I really did. There wasn't some secret real version of me, screaming in the back of my brain as I lied to everyone... I was just the kind of person who wanted to defend the Republic from scrutiny. The sort of person who wouldn't talk. The sort of person who was glad to serve their country, even if it hurt. I even... I even attacked my wife, w-when she rescued me," and Yuliana's voice tremors, as she says it. "I woke up, and I attacked her... though I love Elya more than anything in this world." If she was planning to explain more, she adjourns herself, to take a moment to calm herself.
It's a very upsetting memory.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Banagher expresses she's not alone, and there's a thin smile again, even just hearing it is necessary reinforcement right now. Constant reminders.
Since her mind still believes she is. That she's still in that room. And that she deserves to be.
She knows that's not correct, but the reminders are needed.
"I meant anything from me." She tells Banagher, and there's a look in her eyes of anxiety, like she's actually worried about that fact.
Some part of her tells her that she shouldn't be forgiven, for a great many things. She doesn't want to take advantage of his love for her.
A nod, another hesitant smile at his encouragement.
Yuliana tells her it's fine if she doesn't know yet, and a sort of relief wells up out of her at that, because- she's currently so messed up about making a decision from the wrong place.
As Yuliana asks her to stop her if it becomes too much, a brief glance is given Banagher's way, as if relying on him to do that if- if she gets bad.
Mostly though, she listens, about the type of control they put in Yuliana, about the pressures they placed upon her so they wouldn't need to use those controls.
Her eyes blink at the moment she speaks of how her Mother turned to the NIA. And how it's disrespectful for her to say such things like kiss a Coordinator, "Ah, no I understand, filial piety is a very strong cultural value in the REA." There's this, uncomfortable shift in her place in the seat.
It becomes a small, subtle flinch when she speaks of her time in medical, about there not being some secret real version of herself, screaming at the back of her head due to the treatment. "I remember those conversations with you, I think - you truly did sound happy back then." She says, as if offering reinforcement to what the indoctrination did to her.
It becomes a look of sympathy, real and raw as she speaks of attacking Elisa, "I'm sorry, that must have been so horrible, for both of you. For you to deal with now."
There's a pause, some hesitation, and- "Doctor Murasame... he was mostly an expert on, memory, and manipulation through memory. From what I'm told I didn't even understand I was Puru One most of the time until, Dakar. There were triggers, when relevant things came up that required me to be in that state of mind. I- I can't even look back right now. All my mind comes up with is that I knew all along, but it was to prevent me from, scheming with others I suppose. Since, they wanted me to believe I was an equal collaborator."
Her eyes close at that, "I guess there was, pressure too? I remember not wanting to do things, a lot of things in that lab. Then telling myself that- it was necessary training for Banagher and Mineva's sake. So they played upon my sense of responsibility? He let me... hate him, for example. But at the same time, I believed that, that- I was the type of person who would work with a man like him."
There's a small, broken laugh at this point, and an upset shake of her head, "Even though I've always despised people like him, more than anyone else- your own Doctors, for example."
A helpless look sideways at Banagher, then back at Yuliana, "I still don't even know- how they got me in the first place. They erased those memories, implanted something false. And I'd just, rationalize everything towards... my actions in those memories."
There is some, thought there, as she considers, then, "I guess in the end, they didn't really have to change much. There's not, too much separation between what they did to me, and who I was before. They only changed just, enough - to make me believe I'm - the kind of person I've worried that I've been ever since my time with Neo-Zeon."
Her posture hunches just, a touch protectively. "It's, kind of similar to indoctrination I suppose, just with memories to reinforce it, pushing the idea that I'm that kind of person, making it stronger, and stronger - until it drove... everything I did, with an obsession."
She sounds... disturbed, on how little it took for her to just collapse into such an extremist version of herself.
"An... obsession that's still there." She adds mutely, as if scared by the fact that it still is.
<Pose Tracker> Banagher Links has posed.
Banagher listens as Yuliana and Leina communicate back and forth. There's so much he can't understand, not on the level they do. This shared form of suffering is a language of its own, every bit as powerful as a Newtype connection. He's not envious of it, not by a long shot. Even if he wishes he could do more, Banagher fears what awaits in those horrifying Newtype labs.
"Oh, that much is true." Banagher kisses Leina's cheek again, hoping to be reassuring, to quell the anxiety in her eyes. "Not everyone's as cute as you are, though."
Banagher nods subtly at Leina's glance. If things become too much, he'll step in. For now, though -- this could lead the way to a breakthrough. Talking to an actual fellow survivor can only be a good thing.
Psychological triggers, childhood propaganda... Yuliana's really seen it all, hasn't she? As she shares her experiences, Banagher softly strokes his thumb across Leina's hand, an easy, steady rhythm. He doesn't miss the way Yuliana touches her wedding rings. They must be a source of strength for her.
With slow movements, Banagher wraps his free arm around Leina, leaving the computer balanced in his lap. He knows she's thinking of her experiences in Vist's own version of medical... And he hates that. Anything he can offer to ground Leina to the here and now, he'll do.
"I'm so sorry." Banagher murmurs, as Yuliana is overwhelmed with the memory of attacking her wife. "But I'm sure she understands. There's no way she holds it against you..."
Elisa, monstrous as she is, wouldn't go that far. He hopes.
Beneath Leina's hands, Banagher's hand shakes as she speaks of Murasame. Tears come to his eyes, and he blinks them away. This isn't about him. He can feel these things later, when Judau's sitting with Leina, and Banagher has some time to himself. Even so -- it's impossible not to be affected.
"He knew exactly what he was doing." Banagher manages, his voice stilted between anger and grief. "Murasame... He knew how to get to you. It's not your fault. That sick bastard specializes in this. If he'd taken me, or Yuliana, or anyone -- it would've been exactly the same. He'd know what buttons to press, what memories to twist, until he got what he wanted."
Pulling Leina close, Banagher gives her a sort of one-armed sideways hug. "It won't always be like this. I promise. That obsession -- it's going to ease up and fade away."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana is quiet, as she listens to Leina talk about her experiences. Certain things... make more sense, she thinks, hearing that. She must have forgotten... more or less.
She looks sick, for a moment, as Leina talks about how she felt her training was necessary, how they played on her sense of responsibility. Hopefully, with Leina's eyes closed, she'll miss it -- but Banagher, at least, will surely see the way her lips pull back to expose her teeth, the flare of her nostrils, the widening of her eyes. It's just there for a moment, before she swallows it down, before she assures herself it's not the same at all.
She must just be moved by Leina's sorrows.
... Yuliana feels a little dizzy, but she puts it aside. She was just soaking in a hot bath for an awfully long time, after all. "Yes," she agrees. "Yes, you can rationalise anything, in a state like that. There's no shame in it. I did, too." Past tense.
Delicately, she advances: "I understand that... my belief that I'd consented to the whole thing... was a touch manufactured. Well, I don't know all the places where they forced my psyche to a conclusion... I learned my lesson after reading Dr. Devi's correspondence once. I understand that my flashbacks were rather violent, then... apparently I broke a window." Yuliana pauses, a touch self-effacing, her gaze tracking off to the side. "Well, that doesn't sound so bad, I suppose, except that I put my head through it. So you see, I have Elya read that sort of material, these days... it just upsets me too much."
Yuliana shakes her head, and shifts gears: "Anyway, I mean to say that it's not uncommon -- for doctors to change just enough. It's... an efficient method, I suppose. It's easier to use one's own psyche against them..." And her own shoulders curl forward, just so.
Is it advantageous to say this much? She doesn't think of that, though she at least boils silently in her anger for enough time for Banagher to finish speaking before she snaps: "If he had? You don't know a thing about--!!" The anger in her voice builds and cuts away almost at once; she tenses, and then she sinks back, into the couch. "... you don't understand," she says, and sounds close to tears, all a sudden. "I snuck in on the side of one of their machines, after they took you in with all that fuss, Nasya... I was going to save you all. They couldn't even see me... the idiots of this age think they're safe if there's no mobile suit knocking down their door." Her lips curl, in hatred or in scorn.
And it just means they can see the way her teeth set and grit, at the memory.
"It took Dr. Murasame only five minutes... to move from having my knife to his throat to making me cringe and retreat. Within minutes, he'd reduced me to such a state that I, stripped for him... all down to the armour beneath my camouflage. Just so I'd know my place, I suppose. The only reason he... let me leave at all, is because he, respected my wife. As a... colleague. Already using me." Her speech grows halting and tremulous; she is embarrassed, deeply so.
She reaches up, and scrubs at her eyes. They're damp. "I-I really was going to save you," she insists, a shade piteously. "But the minute I let Dr. Murasame speak, he -- he got in my head, and... and I..." She swallows, and shakes her head. "... anyway, it doesn't matter. It didn't do anything." It's a sullen little dismissal; it doesn't really recognise what she has done, in the face of all she hasn't. If she were thinking more clearly... but she isn't, not really.
A beat, and her gaze snaps back to the camera, concern drawing her gaze to a tension point. "Only -- he didn't punish you, after that, did he? He promised he wouldn't. He promised he wouldn't, but doctors lie, Leyasha. Did I hurt you?" She has asked a great many manipulative questions, today, but the manipulation of this question is entirely accidental; it bothers her, and it worries her, and it's been on her mind.
And it's still so natural for her to blame herself for what a doctor has done, even now she's realised she's not to blame for Rita.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
A small smile as Banagher kisses her cheek again, as he gives her that reassuring look, "Flatterer. You're saying you only offer unconditional forgiveness to cute girls?" She offers back, in a soft teasing tone, and thus - evidence that Leina isn't completely overtaken by her state.
She does miss Yuliana's reaction, with her eyes closed. It's not as if she could feel her, and in her current state she'd doubt herself anyway.
In the end, as Banagher wraps an arm around her, she leans her weight against him, continuing her story. Her hand squeezes his, trying to steady in the shaking.
"... It's... that's true, but it's because Vist-Carbine gave him all of that." She tells Banagher quietly, "All those hours of surveillance - me evading it. We took it too lightly."
We took them too lightly.
A weak smile is given his way, because she knows while that might not be true, she knows that she's going back out there soon.
And the reason why she can't deny Rita's prediction, is that obsession.
She winces when she hears of how Yuliana broke a window WITH HER HEAD, when it came to reading correspondence about her state, "Akane... begged me not to read Murasame's files on me. I asked my access to it to be revoked."
She admits, she is curious, but right now, she knows that anything she finds would not lead her feelings anywhere good.
"She says she threw up reading his file on me." She adds, quietly, giving Yuliana a look of sympathy, "Was that back... back- we talked about it at that Tapas Bar?"
When Yuliana told her that she'd read correspondence on her being a Cyber Newtype, "It's... not right." She adds quietly, because indeed, it isn't right, for her to find out how her life had been manipulated and toyed with in such an unkind way. "It's not right at all."
Before then nods again, painfully, then flinches, nervously at Yuliana's anger at Banagher, suddenly looking skittish, and amped up.
Fortunately she manages to deescalate, looking close to tears and Leina gets another surprise of the day, "Wait you- you- were there?" Her mind struggles for a moment, then, "Oh God- I'm so sorry. The man is-"
Her eyes close, as memories of his hand brushing up against her cheek burn her like phantom pains, "- I hate him. I'm sorry he did that to you." Then more awkwardly, "Thank you for- for coming for us. I had no idea. He-"
She asks a question, and she takes some time trying to recall, thinking about it and then, "He, didn't punish me." She reassures her, slowly, "He started to transition me to a capacity as a non-combatant, and- gave me a break from my dietary and sleep regimens."
Yuliana can imagine how bad those must have been, Leina looks literally skin and bones right now, and she was such a healthy girl before. She looks away, disturbed, before she tells her quietly, "I found out later he was... planning all along to abscond with me, and the others... disappear, go to ground... leave Mrs. Vist-Carbine holding the bag."
<Pose Tracker> Banagher Links has posed.
"Well, maybe only a few." Banagher's smile turns brilliant as Leina takes on a teasing tone. That easy back-and-forth between them is slowly starting to re-emerge, and that fills him with hope.
Banagher does notice Yuliana's reaction to Leina's training. His own horror and rage are, surprisingly, echoed on Yuliana's face. She swallows her feelings down just as surely as Banagher does, but in that moment, understanding passes between them. He comes to trust Yuliana just that much more.
"We did." He softly sighs. "And I'm so sorry. I should've -- I should've done a lot of things differently."
Rita's prediction echoes in Banagher's mind just as it does Leina's. As much as he hates it... Can he really deny the possibility spoken of by the Phenex's pilot?
"I --" Banagher looks pale, at Yuliana saying she broke a window. "You've come so far. It's proof healing can happen..."
Golden eyes close. Banagher got his hands on Leina's files, too, after the rescue. He directs his thoughts away from that experience as immediately as he can. That's definitely something Leina doesn't need to experience, even as an echo through his emotions.
"I'm glad you're not going to read them." Is all he offers, after hesitating. "I hope Akane doesn't read them, anymore, either."
Banagher is jolted back to the conversation at hand by Yuliana's outburst. Shock emanates from him, through his bond with Leina, reflected by his expression. "Wh--" Struck silent by Yuliana's confession, he can only stare.
Seconds pass.
"You... did all that for us?" Banagher's shock turns to something heartwrenchingly soft and grateful. His eyebrows tilt together, and his wide, golden eyes fill with tears. "I -- didn't think -- after that fight --"
For a moment, he turns his head, hiding his face in Leina's shoulder.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. The fact that you went through all that for us -- thank you, Yuliana. I'll never be able to repay you, even if it didn't work. Just that you tried, that you were ready to kill that--!" Banagher cuts himself off with a strangled sound. "Thank you. Truly."
Banagher pulls Leina close once more, hearing about the 'reward'. Tears finally start to fall. It's so overwhelming, as always, knowing the horror Leina experienced for so, so long. So terribly, achingly long.
"T--thank --" Banagher wraps both his arms around Leina, softly removing his hand from her grip. "You're here with us. You're safe, and it's going to stay that way. I promise, I promise..."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Smart," Yuliana says, of Leina revoking her access to her files. "Elya's very transparent with me, unlike the Republic, but... I just prefer not to see it." Better she make the decision herself than just be denied, isn't it?
Yes, they think so, too.
And she's a little more quiet as she admits, facing the memory of the Tapas bar: "Yes." As she agrees, "It isn't." Banagher isn't wrong, to see that this is personal, for the both of them. Yuliana may be writing a litany of failure, but she's wrote on suffering, just the same.
"I did," she says, softly, to Banagher. "And I wish I had sooner. I wish I had done a great many things... sooner." Surely it's the same regret that has gone through so many of their heads -- if only they'd known!
(Yuliana uses ambiguous statements almost reflexively, after so many years of doing what she does.)
"I thought... I could make it all right."
Her lips twist, though, as she listens to Leina. Finally, thin: "I know. He told me as much. Not in... so many words, but... he and Dr. Devi were friends, I suppose. He admired her methods. He intimated to me that he didn't intend to fight... I knew at once the same thing would happen to you. Elya told me I wasn't to seek Dr. Murasame out again, after he hurt me so easily and so effortlessly... I did try to warn Dr. Mass about it, but she insisted that if he'd gone to ground, it meant he didn't have you. Tch..." Yuliana restrains herself from saying what she thought about that.
Somehow.
(It is notable, perhaps, that both Sayla and Dr. Murasame are reduced down to their titles, even so. Yuliana does not trust doctors, almost to a man; Elisa has ever been her exception. Elisa, and...)
"But since I wasn't to engage him... there was nothing more I could do for you. All I could do was give Dr. Mass the data I'd stolen from Dr. Murasame... pathetic." There's something a little helpless, in that admission, locked-down and dark. Helpless, and disgusted: "I was a liability. Still... it is good, that you were saved. I am glad to see Nasya with you, now."
She shakes her head, lightly. Regret dusts her recollection, again. "Though, I... I think sometimes still I should have killed him, before he knew I was there. Rather, I meant to press him to exchange his life for yours... so many people are agreeable when their lives flash before their eyes. But I thought... if I killed him... he may have done some trick to you he'd not written down. Besides, I was sure you'd react much as I did, Leyasha, were I to come to you with his blood down my suit. And I am... strong, yes, but my might cannot match my darling wife's. I've only so much blood to bleed." She is ashamed of that, too.
She swallows, and says: "Though -- I'll tell you one thing -- I did kill one of the bastards. Made it look like an overdose, slipped him into a box... I needed his credentials to get further inside. I don't suppose he was any more than a guard, but one doesn't work a job like that without some measure of complicity." Her lips twist, and it might have been a smile, once upon a time. "I'd know."
Yuliana's hand lifts, to curl about her chin, her lips, as if to hide her face a little. "Not that I know if the deception worked... Dr. Murasame demanded I tell him everything, and God help me, I did." Her eyes shut, briefly, as if to ward off the shame, before she looks back to the camera and shifts back to Leina again. "I met him only for a short time... but I understand how you're struggling so much, Leyasha. Dealing with a man like that for months on end... it's a deeply damaging thing. He really is the worst of the worst, and I should like to think I would know -- I was under the delicate ministrations of the REA for eleven years, you know. If your psyche were not wounded, I would question your humanity." Again. In a different way than she used to, even!
She's trying to be supportive, though.
"For a long time after I got free... I barely left Elya's side," she says. "Certainly not our abode. It is good, that you are with Nasya, now, I think. Dr. Mass kept her promise, after all... there will come a time when you are not so unsteady, when you do not grow so tired existing. Even if you should meet another scientist on the road, after such a thing... even if it aches terribly, you may find, as I did, that you are able to outwit the wretched beast." She smiles, wavering and wan. "You know, I gave Dr. Murasame back his data sticks... plus one more. He didn't realise that I'd handed him the worm I'd brought to compromise his data systems, because he thought I was so thoroughly beaten I'd follow even the most humiliating commands... it's because of that I was able to scrape his digital files."
It's barely a victory, compared to what she could have gotten, but both she and Leina know what she was up against.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"Given what I've seen of their files after the raid that- that feels for the best." As she validates Yuliana's own desire not to see them.
Has Yuliana come so far? Leina, is struggling to judge that. After Fujinomiya, she's not certain. She's still in a state where she's judging her own actions in the harshest light.
So she stops trying, right now. She tables it, for when she feels in a better state of mind.
When Banagher cries, Leina's hand rubs the back of his head, and the small of his back. It is a small gesture of comfort.
She offers no words to him. She's not certain she won't make things worse. That the comfort is coming from the right place.
All she can do is trust that she wants to comfort him.
Banagher thanks her though, ultimately, that she was ready to kill Murasame. There's a struggle on her face. A sharp inhalation. Did she want the man dead? She's not certain. She doesn't think so.
But in the moment, she certainly wouldn't blame someone for killing him, to have keep everyone she cares about safe.
Pulled close to Banagher, she lets herself just, come to no conclusions on the struggle, taking comfort and solace. Her eyes drift low, as a hand comes to rest against his chest.
"I know. I know- I..."
She takes a deep breath, she doesn't feel safe. Even here, in her home, in her safest space. Thoughts intrude into her psyche of the idea of the Federation storming her home any second now.
Is it even paranoid, when they are out to get you?
But she has to trust in her ability to keep her safe, or she'll go mad, she'll do something stupid - triple as dumb as anything Judau has ever done.
"... okay. Okay, I believe you."
Her head shifts, her cheek against Banagher as she looks Yuli's way, shivering as she relates how Devi and him are friends, "Yeah he- he used to say things to me about, about her methods. You, you heard some of them. I don't know if he implanted in me this- desire to say them or-"
Another shake of her head, it's hard to say in the moment, at the time she thought she was being cruel to her on purpose. Now? Now she can't even begin to evaluate her motives.
"You warned... Mom?"
She looks surprised, and Yuliana might- catch the change, because the first time they truly talked, Leina corrected her about their relationship. "Ah, I'm- grateful you did."
Leina might agree with Yuli in this moment, because she's not so certain herself. Part of her thinks if he'd gone to ground with her - noone would ever see her again.
He managed to hide her from so many exceptionally powerful Newtypes for so long, and it wasn't Judau sensing her in the end, but Akane TELLING him.
"No no... it's... not pathetic, I'm... I'm grateful. It's really helping my treatment right now. It's... he made it difficult. He put, countermeasures against... deprogramming me in-"
A helpless gesture towards her head, right now she just feels so trapped by it...
"Thank you, for what you did. I know it wasn't easy for you. And-" Her eyes slip up to Yuliana, "-in the end, no matter how badly I reacted. I'd much-much-" And her tone takes on this dark edge, "-much- rather it be his blood on your suit, than the other way around."
She may not want him dead, but his life, or a former lab test subject? A Cyber Newtype? He knows who she'd want to survive.
"Oh." She does actually recognize it when she notes that, "I- Oh. They marked him as a casualty of... the battle." Her eyes grow distant and-
"You're right. Everyone up there was complicit in some way. And most of the Guards around the lab were... handpicked by the man."
She listens to her speak about how she understands what she's going through, "It's-" She closes her eyes, "-It sucks. Some part of me even now is trying to rationalize that - I volunteered. That it was training. That- I'm a willing collaborator." She murmurs, softer and softer, until it becomes a sniffle, "I hate that people like him exist. I hate this."
She tries not to break down entirely, but Banagher will feel a warmth from where her eyes rest all the same.
Fortunately, she's given him pleasant news that breaks her out of the cycle, "Oh. That-That's very clever." She takes a moment, dabbing her eyes against her arm as she turns her head.
"I would, only hope that I'd be able to handle it as well as you... as when I'm through this..."
There's a sense of quiet resolve as she notes, "... I would very much like to dedicate myself towards, bringing people like this, low."
A beat pause and...
"... very low." She says, softer.
<Pose Tracker> Banagher Links has posed.
"I do, too." Banagher responds to Yuliana in that same soft tone. So many regrets. So many moments, as he looks back, when he could've done things differently.
Unable to suppress a shudder at the thought of Murasame and Devi working together, the young pilot's hand stutters as he pets the cat. Golden eyes flicker down, avoiding Yuliana's gaze. She really did all she could have. Breaking into the Garuda to try and same them, even informing Sayla.
Though it makes him feel guilty to need it, Banagher feels the tension in his body ease at Leina's comforting touch. He breathes in a shuddering sigh. Calm down. They're safe. "Thank you, love."
Banagher looks back up to the screen as Yuliana speaks again. "It's not pathetic. Don't say that. You did everything you could. More than anyone else... I can't tell you how grateful I am. I think you're right, about Murasame. He would've had something prepared."
Falling quiet again, he lets Yuliana and Leina communicate. Banagher doesn't speak again until Yuliana admits to killing one of the Garuda guards -- his eyes flying open with surprise and shock. Only a few months ago, he would've protested this loss of life, but now--
Banagher grimly nods, a slight movement.
Instead of commenting, he hugs Leina again. What can he do to understand? What can he do to ever ease what Leina's gone through, or lessen her pain?
Just as Leina had stroked down his hair when Banagher grew distressed, he makes sure to press his hand over hers against his chest. He can feel Leina's distress through their bond. It isn't paranoid. It isn't stupid. Anyone would feel the way she does, now, and he tries to let those feelings echo from his heart.
"I'm glad--" He pauses, briefly, Banagher's words changing just before he speaks them. No. Even now, he can't think of Elisa as a good thing in Elisa's life. "--that you have somewhere safe to be. With people who love you."
"You weren't a willing collaborator. I promise, love." A murmur. "Like Yuliana says, this will get easier, it's all going to make sense."
Banagher subtly reaches for the tissue box, scooting it within Leina's reach, just outside the camera's view.
Something fierce enters Banagher's expression, then. "No. There won't ever -- this won't ever happen again." He almost manages a smile, at the sound of Yuliana's small victory. "What an idiot. Even kids know not to plug in random data sticks."
"I will too." Banagher promises Leina. "Once you're ready. We'll do this together. We won't people like that hurt others and get away with it."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana is a contradiction of progress and regression. With one hand she commits unspeakable acts; with the other she rights them. She contains multitudes.
But she won't make Leina sort through them, now.
Call it a little kindness, if you like.
She meets Banagher's eyes, as he shares her regrets, and her gaze at least is sad. It would be hard to tell her emotional tenor over this range even if she weren't a void unto herself, but... she looks weighed down by it all, anyway.
It would be easy to say that the sharp-breath reaction she sees out of Leina informs the way she discusses her planned fate for Murasame, too -- and perhaps even true; but it remains true, just the same, that if she had meant to kill him he would not have gotten that chance to speak. Even if she's framing things in the most favourable light... the way she acted in the dark doesn't entirely discredit her story.
"Both... you and he tried to invoke the wolf," she explains, a touch delicately. "Given it was one of the first things he tried... I'm sure he would have commanded you to use such a thing if you fought me again. You have... historically been... willing, to lean on my control... but I'll offer you some charity, Leyasha," Yuliana sighs, her eyes closing briefly. "I doubt you knew the extent of the Major's crimes when you used him."
(Banagher, of course, may well remember just what she's talking about: the way Leina always threatened to tell Major Pham of Yuliana's misdoings, when they were speaking with her. A method to... keep her in line. ... it was remarkably effective, but in hindsight, ethically dubious.)
She frowns, a little, with a bit of a pout as she says: "Oh, now you're saying it?" But Yuliana sighs, and brushes off her passing irritation. "No, no, it's good you've finally gotten past all that. But yes -- she approached me for assistance when they weren't able to retrieve you with everyone else. Rather hush-hush, mind you... but I suppose that just goes to show she was willing to take every opportunity to save you." Even going to someone like Yuliana.
"In any case, I'm... glad to hear it's been some aid to you, and that you'd value my life over his," Yuliana brushes her bangs back, over her ears. (They fall right back forward; it's harder to tuck things behind her ears.) "It wasn't easy -- I'd not recommend any of you maglock yourselves to the outside of a mobile suit's foot any time soon, it's a terrible way to travel -- but you're right, of course, Nasya. I oughtn't deprecate the effort. I've just been..." Another gossamer pause, "... a touch stressed, and I do tend to get consumed by transient emotions all too quickly, given that. But it's nothing for you to worry about," she insists, smiling again. "Please, focus on Leyasha's health. It will ease my mind, as well."
She sees Banagher's response to the dead guard, of course -- and the way he doesn't protest; but it's Leina's recognition which really sparks her interest. "Oh, did you know him?" She asks, lightly.
But... a willing collaborator? Yuliana lets Banagher do the initial work of denying that, before she says: "I thought the same. Sometimes I still do, even knowing what I know. I..." Her thoughts brush up against something more recent and far more toxic to her system, and a shudder runs through her, as she puts her dreams forcefully aside. She is safe, here, and Elisa would never have supported her in reaching Her if it were questionable. Elisa loves her; She does, too. "It's normal to hate it," she says, instead. "Completely... normal."
Her gaze tracks aside, for a moment, before she looks back to the camera and adds in her soft tones: "... when you're ready, I can help you... if you'd like." Yuliana became an excellent saboteur, over her years in the REA; no doubt she has a particular depth of experience which Leina could draw from, in laying these science crimes low.
Will she?
A light chuckle, as she adds, to Banagher: "They do, don't they? Dr. Murasame was so sure I was a beaten dog, he didn't even stop to think that I wasn't just surrendering to his will."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
She doesn't even say you're welcome, she simply gives him a look that's part worried and part appreciative, as if she were just trying to return the favor for all he's done for her of late.
Still she understands she's not in the best place to show appreciation.
As he hugs her, she falls into her comfort, trying to anchor herself upon those feelings since she can hardly trust her own.
"I know, rationally... I know that." Then she whispers, more abstractly, "I know."
When Yuliana speaks of Murasame, and how historically she was willing to lean on her control, something dawns in her sea green eyes and, she takes a moment to assess her mindset back then, then to confirm again before...
... she shifts into a more upright position, "To be perfectly honest? That was a bluff. Banagher was a wanted fugitive, if you'd run him, then he'd have been in real trouble. And I doubt Major Pham would have... even considered my words if they were in defense of someone that would have won the REA major political points to turn over to the Vist Foundation."
She gives Yuliana a long look, "I know the consequences you'd face if you... upset such a man, which is why I'd never intended to follow through."
Yuliana's little pout wins her this, sheepish look but even as Yuliana tells her it's good they were able to move past all that, she tries to explain herself, "I only started after I... I- got out of the cockpit of that thing. She told me she thought of me as a daughter in, one of the battles that happened up there. And well - that was... a fraught issue for me after..."
Again Banagher would feel an uncomfortable shift as she tries to explain, "... well, my parents abandoned me and my brother, so my concept of... a mother was... different from, everyone else's, I suppose. I just- I guess after everything, I realized what I was putting between the idea and me wasn't... really important."
There's a prolonged pause, and then she blinks her eyes and- "I guess thinking about it, it doesn't surprise me... all that much. Mom was always willing to go to you to get Yumi Relief Aid through REA customs. And-"
Her eyes wander sideways, "-it's hard for me to comprehend how much she- and the people in my life value me given... how I've been made to think, but I just have to trust that they do."
A small pause, and then, "You can absolutely trust that, I'd value your life over his. Even, with how they made me think. It's- it's really pretty piteous isn't it? That I'd be allowed to hate them so much, but do anything they asked of me." She murmurs quietly as if still disturbed by that. It's different perhaps than the REA's social control, where Yuliana was allowed to hate them, but because she feared them more.
In her case, she was twisted into thinking she was their equal simply working with them towards an objective. When Yuli asks, there's, a short pause, as she shifts, "Only a little. They all kinda, talked to me some. I was... a curiosity, I guess. As the Doctor's latest project. Some hated me, some pitied me - some were just... interested."
Leina doesn't communicate HOW interested some of them were. Just, that after the fact she seems more and more disturbed by it all.
"Y-Yeah I guess..." As she looks between Banagher and Yuliana, momentarily lost, "And I did hate it, so much, it's just- God I can't believe I thought I was Martha's equal." She seems aghast even at her own naivete, even if that side of her that Glemy Toto tried to create was... played up.
She gives Yuliana a look of wonder, as she offers her help, then smiles, and nods quietly, "I'd appreciate that. Your help. Once I'm... better. There's so many of these places everywhere. ... And, I feel like, we have the resources to make it so that men like this... begin to look over their shoulders the moment they consider setting up such places."
<Pose Tracker> Banagher Links has posed.
Yuliana's emotions are read, at least by Banagher, as entirely authentic. Why would she lie about any of this? She's the one who reached out to them to offer support.
When Yuliana reminds Leina of how she invoked the things that controlled Yuliana, Banagher's hand shifts on the laptop's trackpad, hovering the cursor over the 'end call' icon. But it seems to be alright -- Leina isn't emotionally upended by the memory, so he navigates away from the icon.
Every time he's reminded of his fugitive status, Banagher looks a little sad. This time is no exception -- he glances away from the camera, eyes landing on the half-finished red Haro waiting for him.
The word 'interested' rattles around in his head. Again, he shudders -- this time with something closer to anger and revulsion. Perhaps it's a shame Yuliana didn't kill more of those guards.
"I'm really glad you and Sayla both realized you're family." Banagher says, perhaps a little eager, now, to have something positive to contribute to the conversation. "I know how tough that was for you, but I think -- it's the right call."
Leina is given another soft kiss to the cheek as she talks about her family history. "You're doing great." He murmurs, trying to comfort her through this difficult topic.
Banagher is smiling softly when Yuliana... describes how she maglocked herself to a mobile suit. His gaze immediately darts back to the video call, mouth falling open. "You WHAT?!" He all-but shouts. "How did you account for -- I --"
"I wouldn't believe that story if anyone else told it." Banagher admits, after a pause. Yuliana was a top-level assassin. "It's like something out of a spy movie."
Concern replaces the shock in the young pilot's eyes. "Thank you. I promise, everyone here is taking great care of Leina. But -- if there's something I can do to help you, that doesn't take away from being here for her..."
Is it really right to offer his help? Banagher wavers, mentally weighing the sheer insane lengths Yuliana went to to save them versus the recent battle where she endangered civilians. In the end, her efforts to save Leina are worth far more to Banagher.
"I'm sorry." He murmurs, unsure of what else to offer, as both women talk about the manufactured consent they were made to endure. "Yuliana is right. Hating what they did to you is normal, and healthy, I think."
Banagher waits to hear Leina's opinion before answering Yuliana's offer of help. When she accepts, he nods in turn, smiling gently. "I'd be grateful. If we want to do lasting damage to organizations empowering men like this, you're the best person to turn to. It'd be easy to blow them up with the Unicorn, but to really dismantle them... That's a skill I don't have."
"But we won't do anything until you're ready." Banagher reassures Leina. "You don't have to worry about anything but healing for now."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana actually chuckles, when Leina straightens herself up and defends the way she used the threat of authority as a bluff, and Banagher's hand shifts in an obvious aborted gesture. "Heh heh... all right, I'll grant you it wasn't a bad move. A dirty trick, mind you, but it worked." She's impressed enough by Leina defending herself in this state that she'll give her that much. It's not like it costs much to give.
Right?
With a little shrug, she notes: "It's not like you sold me out when you were face-to-face with the man, anyway." Leina did meet Pham, just the one time. One time too many, as far as Yuliana is concerned -- but anyway.
She tilts her head, though, as Leina explains her parental issues. "Is that it?" She wonders, lightly. "Well... I'm not surprised mothers from the colonies are that way. Mama Dian would never have stood for something like that!" Who is Mama Dian, and what does she have to do with this? "Congratulations, anyway," Yuliana says, instead of explaining.
"Well," Yuliana sighs, without telling Leina whether it is or isn't a pity, "I can understand where you're coming from." She thought of herself as an equal, in her own way, after all -- she really believed she was a ranking Captain, with all the privileges and power therein.
It was a farce.
"Fascinating," she reports, dryly, on the topic of the guards and the way they treated Leina.
"I'll have to see if I can pay any of them a visit, given the data we have."
She and Banagher may be thinking the same thing, in this moment, even if Yuliana's the only one venomous enough to chase them after they fled.
Her deadly pique is shifted, though, when she hears Banagher gaping on the other end of the phone. She laughs, and it's an honestly delighted sound, fingers fanning over her lips. "Dear boy, you know some of those movies are based on my crimes, don't you? Haha... not that they've solved half of them!" A new sidequest appears on his tracker: figuring out which spy movies were based on Yuliana's saboteuring, and which ones became cold cases which fascinated the nation.
It's a... very involved sidequest.
She smiles, though, warmer as Banagher offers her help. "You're very kind, Nasya," she praises him. "But I've Elya's support at my back, so no harm will come to me." Her chest twinges with the feeling of new bruises; she ignores it. "I'll remember your thoughtfulness, anyway."
Yuliana sighs, fingers lowering to press to her chest. Lightly, now, lightly. "When the REA deployed me in Torrington... well, they meant for me to sabotage the battle. They were just angry I'd done so indiscretely... I argued with the Major, afterwards, and that's when I learned just how hollow my own authority was." She elects to tell the story, now, after hearing Leina curse her hubris. She hadn't been sure about it, but... "I felt a wretched fool, then. I swore to myself that if the world wouldn't accept me as a woman, I would force them to know me as a queen. For so long, I'd thought... I thought I was an officer, worthy of at least that much consideration. But it was all a polite fiction, just a vehicle to let me fulfill my duties in the world..." It's a miserable story; she feels a touch miserable, telling it again.
Leina had better appreciate it.
She appreciates her offer, at least, and Yuliana smiles at that. "I'm so glad you see, Nasya. Yes -- there's a difference between fighting men like this with force and with a subtle knife. And there are so many places like --" She takes a breath, calms herself. "I should like to make them regret it, I think," she settles on, instead.
"But yes, there is time --"
OST: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7HyxzzPIHo Nobuo Uematsu - Heresy, but it's a phone chiptune
Yuliana's assurance is cut off by the muted sound of a custom ringtone. "Ah?" The camera is lost to motion, for a moment, as Yuliana leans forward to pick the camera up from its stand. "Just a moment -- I'm getting another call," she excuses herself, and just who she'd allow to interrupt her in a conversation like this is...
Well. She doesn't say, but it's obvious. "Zhenushka," Yuliana smiles, into the receiver, as she switches the calls over. She listens, docile and warm, until her head tilts and her brow raises. "It's surprising?" She interjects, with rising curiosity. And then: "Yes -- yes, I'll be right down, of course. Thanks for your hard work... I can't believe you already found something! You're amazing, Elya. Be there in a moment." And, of course, kissing noises before she hangs up the call. Who do you take her for?
She doesn't bother putting the phone back in its stand, so when her camera and audio switch back over to Leina and Banagher, she's evidently holding her camera. (And the warmth of her expression is characteristic of her marriage.) "Sorry, dears, but something's come up. Nothing unexpected, nothing bad... but I've got to go, for now. I do hope whatever set you adrift tonight resolves soon, Leyasha... if you like, I'll call you again."
Yuliana lingers long enough for goodbyes, before she smiles, and hangs up the call, and tucks her phone back into her robes.
Elisa needs her, so it's time to set aside her diversions again.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
There's visible relief as Yuliana accepts her explanation on Pham, but in the end she simply just nods at that validation and says a single word, "Exactly."
It's really not a surprise that Banagher is happy for her and Sayla. After all Banagher had a good relationship with his mom. However, the statement from Yuli about Colony mom elicits a surprised blink like she didn't expect it. Banagher would feel a spike of... sadness there.
And certainly some tumultuous upset, even if it doesn't feel directed at Yuliana, as perhaps it should. Even if she managed to defend herself a little to Yuliana, she's definitely not in a state to speak as to how wrong she is on the subject.
The name Dian however is filed away for later.
When Yuliana says that she'll pay them a visit, given the data they have, Leina actually bubbles up with a touch of panic, "I- I wouldn't want any of them to die for- it. It." She echoes again, "All of it. It's-" She shakes her head, as if she has some trouble articulating those thoughts, or feelings, torn between 'I'm not worth it.' and 'Even if I am-' and...
"I just don't want anyone to die for me." She finally settles on, with a mumble.
Banagher's surprise at what Yuliana pulled off causes Leina to blink at him which thankfully jolts her out of that space some, "I mean... it's not such a surprise. Um. I did read her file, and put together a lot of wetwork she did by her travel patterns."
She's mumbling a little, because in the end, Yuliana killing so many DOES disturb her, but there's little actual shock as to her actual capabilities. Though she does actually manage a tiny smile, "I bet I could guess on some of the films she inspired."
And she even does wink at Yuliana at that.
However, any mirth fades away as she hears about Torrington, and in the end, "That's horrible. You're right, you deserve better than to allow them to treat you like that. Far better."
A queen though? Leina's thoughts stumble through what kind of Queen Yuliana wants to be, for now 'known as one' shall suffice.
When the interruption comes, Leina looks sideways at Banagher, then just listens as Yuliana interacts with Elisa. "Ah no-! By all means, it was nice talking to you. And- yes. Please. It's... this state I'm in, I appreciate your... perspective, and your advice."
A beat pause.
"I'd love to hear from you again soon." She says, more quietly, but no less earnestly for it. "I hope you have a wonderful evening together."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Mm? Hush, now," Yuliana assures her, expression gentling, when she starts panicking about whether the guards will die. "I won't kill anyone on your behalf. I'll assure you of that." And having found her feelings on the matter, Yuliana doesn't intend to kill them. ... well, she has her own experiences, with this kind of care.
<Pose Tracker> Banagher Links has posed.
"Hey, Spacenoid mothers can be great!" Banagher scowls slightly, almost missing the name 'Dian' as Yuliana speaks it. "My mother gave everything to keep me alive. But -- I'm glad you had a mother you could count on, too, Yuliana."
Banagher brushes through Leina's hair gently -- perhaps an attempt at reassurance during this topic. He knows it's hard on her.
Leina protests the guard's (potential) demise, but Banagher certainly does not. Especially those ones who were 'interested'. His eyes bore into the screen. It isn't a beseeching sort of expression, but perhaps one that promises a freedom from judgment.
Yuliana brings the topic somewhere much happier, though, and Banagher goes along with it. "No way." He almost grins. "Maybe that's something Leina and I can do while she recovers -- try and figure out which ones you inspired."
Leina winks! Banagher's heart glimmers with hope at the sight, and he can't resist kissing her hair.
"Alright. But you've got my VERTEX if that changes." A soft nod -- he doesn't notice the fragility with which Yuliana presses her fingers to her chest. The camera doesn't allow for that much detail. His expression falls, hearing the aftermath fof Torrington. After all this time, it's still a difficult topic for Banagher.
"I'm so sorry." He looks down. "If I'd just --" A helpless, frustrated noise. "I'm so glad you're out of there. I can't believe the effort these monsters will go to so they can keep hurting people..."
"Yes." Banagher starts, agreeing easily, before --
Yuliana's phone rings! He nods at her excuses, then looks sideways to Leina as the caller is revealed. It seems Leina had the same idea, and Banagher smiles as their eyes meet. He can't quite suppress a chuckle at the kissy noises Yuliana makes. After just exploring how intense an assassin she was, hearing her affectionately play with her wife is whiplash-inducing.
"No worries. I'd like to talk to you again sometime, too, Yuliana. Um -- give your wife our best!" He waves slightly. "And thank you. For everything."
Once the call ends, Banagher closes his laptop and puts it aside, wrapping his arms around Leina fully. Pulling her close and peppering her with kisses, he can't help but smile. Every day, he can feel Leina healing in subtle ways. Getting back to her true self.
"You did great! I'm so proud of you, love."