2023-05-28: .in the face of disaster and disempowerment, all i can rely on is yoU
- Log: .in the face of disaster and disempowerment, all i can rely on is yoU
- Cast: Yuliana Kafim, Elisa Kafim
- Where: The Silent Castle, Kaffeklubben Island
- Date: 2023-05-28
- Summary: Yuliana finally talks to Elisa about what happened on the Garuda, after she returns from meeting with Zoltan, Michele, and Rita. Elisa reassures her of her worth and her wonder, and assures her that Rita is real and her care for Leina is righteous. Her assurances over all Yuliana deserves are controlling, but Yuliana's sunk too deep to notice. (CW: Gaslighting)
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana has the transport set her down in Scandinavia. It's... probably not her house, and it's pretty chilly out here, but she insists this is the place, and they're not paid enough to second-guess her.
It's only once they're gone that she pulls out her phone. She can see her eyes tearing up in the reflection of the glass, as she puts in a number she knows by heart. She tries to ignore the wobble in her voice, as she says: "It's me. The -- the operation was a failure. Murasame got... under my skin, and..." She shakes her head, lips twisting together, swallowing at the lump in her throat. "I-I'm okay," she insists. "I'm just out of New Tromsoe -- Tromsoeya Island, it's in the Tromsoeysundet Strait -- c-can you pick me up?"
A moment's pause, and she smiles, all too wobbly. "I know. Thank you, Doctor." And all the affection drains from her face, a grimace across her lips, as she falls over herself to say: "No, I don't mean -- that's not how we -- I'm sorry," sorry that she can be tricked into thinking like that so easily, even though it surely hurts Elisa, too. "Just -- j-just hurry, all right? I'm..." not doing well,
The word hangs for a moment, dangling in darkness, before Yuliana says instead: "It's cold."
Well. That much is also true.
When Elisa finds her -- which surely doesn't take long, given she still has that bracelet on -- she'll find just why it's cold; Yuliana's shivering in her armour and the bodysuit beneath it, her outer sneaking suit all bundled in her arms. "He said I should take it off," she explains, wretched. "So he wouldn't lose sight of me, I guess... I just did it. I did what he said..." And she sounds so utterly dejected, about it.
She doesn't much care to talk about what happened -- though she's utterly glued to Elisa for a full day afterwards. The only thing she mentions about it is to say: "... please, don't kill Dr. Murasame. I know I always say that about the most wretched men -- and it's the same here, I know, it's just... I don't want them retaliating by hurting the girl. Even though I decided to save her, now, I..." It's a conversation interrupted by Yuliana tearing up.
Again.
She ends up crying on Elisa an awful lot, even if she's not up to talking about it.
Finally she decides that she has to get out of the house and do something with herself -- she's going to check up on Zoltan, she says, seeing a message come through for their Celestial Being cell asking after him. It's the first time since she returned from the Garuda that she's let go of Elisa. As for the footage from the visor, Parminder was in charge of extracting and saving that, and he's gotten everything saved to file. Including the files Yuliana found, and captured with that camera set between her eyes.
He's saving frequent backups now that lab assistant's plugged his worm into the network, too. Every thirty minutes, he assures Elisa. Shortly, he adjusts to assure her it's every ten. That's what Yuliana would want, surely.
The full, unedited visor footage is -- well. It captures Yuliana latching onto the side of a mobile suit and catching a ride up to the Garuda; it captures her sneaking in, and it captures her murdering a man and making it look like his own fault. It captures the way she lingers a moment too long at the brig, the way her gaze lingers on that isolation tank. It captures the files she flicked through, and --
It captures just what Dr. Murasame did.
No wonder Yuliana had to ask Elisa not to kill him.
Yuliana's back just as she said she would be, of course -- shedding her bomber jacket so her snakes can stretch out, and tossing her scarf to the servant, too. (This one has enough thought about her to ask how her outing was, though Yuliana just says, "It was fine.") She strides in past the atrium, to call: "Elya! Elya, my love, I've returned to you!"
That's a normal way for her to make an entrance, of course. It's a normal amount of pomp.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
"Doctor?" Elisa had asked at the time. It was surprising. It was dismaying. That is indeed not how they. She apologized but...
"Very well. I am coming for you."
It does not take long. Elisa steps out of a portal into green darkness, and looks to Yulana. She sees why she is so cold, immediately. And he said...
Elisa does not narrow her eyes. She does not show such emotion. Instead she says, "I am here now. We are together. There is nothing to fear."
Elisa waits for it. She waits, for Yuliana to talk, driven to distraction by the state of her wife. But when Yuliana asks her not to kill him... "Very well."
Elisa is pleased that Yuliana feels up to doing something, though not glad that she leaves. It does, however, give her time to watch the footage. This she does. Everything...
"Good," she tells Parminder. "See that you do."
The rage that Elisa takes out on the room in which she watches is terrifying to behold. She gives her servants a bonus. They do not complain.
"My Yuliana," Elisa says, stepping out in her robe towards her, and extending her arms. "Come to me."
And Dr. Murasame...?
Elisa has strong words for him. She sends him an email.
'Dr. Murasame,'
'I understand that you had an encounter with my wife. I find that you have acted with insufficient discretion and care in her treatment. This is a mistake that I trust you will not repeat, now that you are aware of my feelings on the matter. Know that I am merciful. I will ask her not to seek you again. However, know as well that my mercy has its limits. Should you distress my wife again, you will learn this personally. Do not again presume that you understand my wishes as regards my wife or her treatment.'
'In love and mercy,'
'Dr. Kafim'
"My darling..."
<Pose Tracker> Dr. Murasame has posed.
'Dr. Kafim.'
'You have my most sincerest apologies for misunderstanding the guidelines for which I am to interact with your wife. It will not happen again. I try to do my utmost to respect the work of fellow researchers within the field. I hope that she recovers soon from my misjudgment of your wishes. If you desire collaboration in the future, know that I am amenable, though I understand you would be hesitant after the incident in question.'
'In the pursuit of knowledge,'
'Dr. Murasame'
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Elisa extends her arms; Yuliana rushes into them, without hitch or hesitation. She kisses her, at once, with all the relief of being beside her again.
It's so hard, being apart, even if she's such an independent woman.
Yuliana sighs, and collapses into Elisa's embrace, nuzzling at the side of her neck. "My darling," she murmurs, and the relief is in her voice just the same. "I am with you."
She squeezes tightly -- and twice-over, because those snakes have coiled around her waist just as Yuliana grasps her shoulders -- but Elisa is sturdy enough for all her love and more. "Oh, it was a shock!" She exclaims, all her weight leant into her wife. "The person who contacted us -- it was Luio. And Ritechka's working with her, now! I... I wasn't expecting to see her. It was..."
She pauses, for a moment. "... complicated," she settles on.
And it might be easy to assume it's because of the way they tried to save the world -- in such a way that Rita would have no more place in it.
Easy things are often wrong.
She's thinking of Murasame, clearly, though she hasn't spoken of it.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa holds Yuliana, and kisses her. It is hard being apart. But now, Yuliana is with her, and those snakes are with her too, because they are a part of Yuliana. She is indeed sturdy enough for this; Elisa's hair is down for the moment, her hood down, and she is watching Yuliana carefully, so carefully.
"Luio," Elisa repeats, frowningly. "...No, I suppose I would not have expected that, either. How strange."
Complicated...
"Yes," she says. "I imagine it was. I would like to hear of it."
"...But I would also like to discuss your ordeal," she says. "There are matters of that man that we must discuss."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Better a careful gaze than one which takes her apart so callously and clinically.
"Mm," Yuliana nods, against her skin, and it's immediate assent to her desire to know. Before she can say anything much, though -- there's more that she would discuss, and Yuliana's fingers curl into Elisa's robes.
"Sorry... I've been avoiding it, haven't I..? I..." She trails off, immediately more downcast, and pulls back just enough to look into her wife's eyes. "You're right, of course," she agrees; if Elisa says they must discuss it, surely they must. "Shall we sit..?"
She'll let Elisa take her to the nearest sitting room, of course. She settles in beside her, clustered all too close; a hand reaches up, idly, to play through the hair Elisa's let down. "Everything went quite well, really," she says, quietly, "at first, I mean. No one saw me. I procured what I needed on site... but then I found his office. Dr. Murasame's, I mean. He had... files, on a lot of people. I got records of it. Just -- on me, too. He realised someone was in there, so I had no choice but to take him hostage -- there wasn't really a place to hide, there." Yuliana isn't dignifying under the desk as a place to hide. The footage showed that Murasame didn't, either.
She pauses, for a brief breath. "I -- I had him. Dead to rights, Elya. I thought he'd be reasonable, if I let him reply, but... but the first thing he said was... h-he called me by my number." And the little wobble in her voice communicates just how bad that is, from her perspective. "He kept talking like... like you'd just let me off the leash for some exercise..." She pauses, again, her lips scrunching up. "He had no end of respect for you as a scientist. But he didn't even begin to respect your love, Elya. He kept saying... y-you were manipulating me, I was nothing but your favourite test subject and you were just, indulging me..."
Yuliana shakes her head, burying it against Elisa's shoulder. "I don't know what happened," she says, voice thin. "I had a knife to his throat, but -- but he kept talking, and -- he got the chance to look at me and, and, the way they look at me, like I'm just, pinned to a board... I'm sorry," she says, again. "What must you think of me..? I'm -- so ashamed. Even though you fixed my brain, when, when he said the words I -- I dropped my weapon, I couldn't... it didn't work, but I still lost control of the situation completely!" As if she ever had control of it.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
"It was distressing," Elisa excuses Yuliana. "But yes, let's." She will sit with Yuliana, and she makes no motion to prevent Yuliana playing through her hair. She listens, though she knows this part. It is important for Yuliana to describe it, to explain it, and for Elisa to hear her feelings on the matter. So she listens...
"Yes, I see." On taking him hostage. And then... her number. Elisa's expression grows more and more dour as Yuliana explains, until she is frowning strongly. But Yuliana buries herself against Elisa's shoulder, so perhaps she does not see that.
"Since you asked," Elisa says, "I have shown him mercy. ...But I see. This behavior was... unacceptable. On his part. You did nothing wrong, my darling. He is the sort of man who knows how to manipulate. It is a terrible thing, the way he treated you. And his lack of respect for my love... I do not think such a man can comprehend 'love'."
"You need not be ashamed. You are still recovering, my love. And nothing he could do would make me think any less of you."
"He is a fool who does not understand. Cannot understand. Think nothing of him. Indeed..." She pauses, and then, "I will ask that you avoid him in the future. He can only do harm to you, and should he harm you in this way again, I will not be so merciful as I am now, as you have asked."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana relaxes, into Elisa, as she tells her that he was unacceptable, that she thinks no less of her. "Oh," she sighs, from the relief of it all, turning her face up to gaze at her wife.
"Ask anything of me," she says, reaching her hand up to cup Elisa's cheek, "and it is yours. I've no wish to cross paths with that wretched man again, in any case... I'll do my best to avoid him, Elya. I understand... it must be difficult to restrain yourself, hearing these awful things."
Her eyes blink, and blink again, tears all catching in her lashes like a dozen shining jewels. "I couldn't stand hearing it, either. I'm sorry I didn't kill him the moment he insulted you, zhenushka... I was too preoccupied with other people." She blinks a touch overlong, and swallows, visibly. "No... no, just saying that is too simple. It's not just that... I was terrified of him, Elya. I was -- so scared he'd put me in the tank again." He's never put her in a tank. She's generalising to the people who did; all the doctors who hurt her blur together. "He kept talking about Dr. Devi like they were friends, and -- and talking about you like -- l-like you stole me from her," those tears blink down her cheeks, "like a subject. He made me feel like one again, Elya... stupid, and small, and... he told me to lay out their security flaws, a-and I just did it... I was almost too scared to even try to outwit him, handing over that data stick. It was pointless... it was all so, pointless..."
She's always had so many feelings, but that futility, in the face of trying to save someone else...
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa gazes down, and that anger melts into affection. "Of course," she says to 'Oh'.
But then, "...It is," she says of difficulty. "But I have... ideas," she says. "Of what else to do."
But before she says that, of course, Yuliana is in tears, and she is sorry. Elisa listens to the apology--then saying it was not so simple...
"You had good reasons to leave him alive, yes?" Elisa says. "You told me you did not wish 'her' to be punished. That is a choice you have made so generously. It is hard, of course, but how can I do anything but bask in my wife's generosity of spirit?"
But the doctors...
"What he has done is unacceptable, and rest assured, he will not once again. I did not destroy him, but I contacted him. Made clear it was not to be borne."
She holds Yuliana, and, "...And it was not so pointless. You were afraid, but you did outwit him. Even through your fear! It is very impressive, my darling."
"It is his only defense," Elisa says. "He lacks the power and skill to defeat you in combat, so he uses these means, instead. He exploits your history. It is abominable."
"But remember Devi's fate. Remember the fate of all who would do such to you."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Elisa does nothing but validate Yuliana, and always she bathes in it, lets it flow over her and flood the cracks in her psyche. "You appreciate me so much," she murmurs, all appreciation just the same. "I'm so lucky..."
But... Elisa contacted him, and Yuliana nestles, in her arms. Her heart, at least, is beating. "You protected me again... you're wonderful, Elya." She even manages to smile, hearing her wife's praise, wobbly though it is. And... it is relieving, thinking of what happened to Devi. It's what she deserves, Yuliana thinks.
"He's a wretched coward of a man," but Yuliana scowls, again, to speak of him. "You know he told me he didn't plan on allowing his coming confrontation in the first place..? Elya, I'm worried... he was friends with Devi. What if..." What if he is like her, she can't quite make herself say.
"I'm scared for Leyasha," she says, instead. "He taunted me with how much kinder he was -- he's not -- how he didn't think cruelty was the point, that stupid, stupid man! He'd not recognise cruelty if it hit him! I should have!" Don't examine how those sentences fit together. "I -- I really thought -- she was fighting back, in the Banshee, those last few fights. I must have been too hasty... I tried to reach her too soon. I thought I could hurry it up, but it didn't work that way at all, and I said all those things, and I left her, and... but I changed my mind, Elya! I decided to save her anyway! But instead of that, she's stuck there! Even though I tried so hard! And -- and --"
Her hand curls, at the crook of Elisa's neck, as she looks up to her with new grief. "And he said Ritechka was just some -- some copy. She wasn't even real any more... I couldn't stop thinking about it, today... I even almost yelled at her. Elya, am -- am I just -- deluding myself?"
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Validation is very important.
"Thank you," she says of being wonderful. And for the moment, Elisa continues to listen and to speak. The wretched coward... Hmmm. What if...? "Then he will meet her fate."
But Leina is a problem. Yuliana is worried, after all. And Yuliana claims she was too hasty...
"Do you think so?" Elisa wonders. "It makes sense to me that you would try as soon as you could. Hindsight has many benefits, of course, but you can't be blamed for making the attempt."
She still wants to save her... Hmm. "Perhaps there is something to be done. We shall see. But do not blame yourself, my darling. It is not your fault. It is his."
Then she pauses, and looks down into Yuliana's eyes. A copy...
"Absurd," Elisa decides. "I called up her spirit when you were imprisoned by the REA, to confer with her as to your rescue. My magic would have failed to call up a copy. She is as real as she has ever been."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Just... so long as it does her no harm," Yuliana's still dwelling on Leina, thinking of Murasame meeting Devi's fate. The pronoun could mean no one else.
Her eyelids lower, as she turns her face in against Elisa's neck, breathing her in. "Yes," she echoes her, "it makes sense..." She can't be blamed. She can't be blamed, she tells herself, once and once again.
But when she looks up to Elisa again, she has found something new to fear. Elisa has an answer, though, and Yuliana gasps to hear it. "You summoned her..? But... Dr. Murasame said it was only an echo of the Psychoframe... he, he lied to me?" She sinks down into her, just so. "I should have known... he made me so worried about the Voidframe, too... but, Ritechka's really Ritechka? I was still talking to Ritechka...?"
Yuliana sighs, tilting her cheek against Elisa's shoulder. "She said she loved me, too, Elya... it was... but, I felt bad. I almost erased her from existence... I know she'd deserve it, existing as she does now, but... she's always met it with a smile," Yuliana's fury, that is. "I don't understand at all...!"
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
"I will ensure it. ...Besides, if you do not see him, and he does not seek you, then it will be an 'if' indefinitely."
Elisa strokes Yuliana's back now, carefully, gently. She can't be blamed. Of course not. Who would blame her? Certainly not Elisa And that fear--
"I did," Elisa says. "I called her up in a room safe from our powers, knowing you wished her well, knowing that she would be my ally in rescuing you." But Murasame, "It is possible that he believes what he says. But he does not have the data that you or I do. He does not understand."
"He does not understand our Voidframe, either."
Elisa squeezes. "It would have been tragic, to move forward without being able to save her as well. Necessary, but still tragic. But now we have more time. Now we must work to fortify Emptear against such reactions, and we have time to try to save her, as well."
"She cares for you, that is clear. Her wretched state has robbed her of so much, but it seems, you are too important for it to rob her of her affection for you. It is your nature; you are such a shining star..."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yes... Elisa will ensure it, and Yuliana can make sure of it, too. Just so long as he does her no more harm... there'll be no question of retaliation, she thinks.
She sighs, and relaxes further into Elisa, sinking deep against her, feeling her fingertips against her sensitive spine. She welcomes Elisa's touch, and no other, soothing her as she's so troubled by the others. Elisa's words, Elisa's explanations...
"You were so careful," she murmurs, and she smiles. "You're so thoughtful..."
She nods, against her. "... a man like him couldn't possibly understand." He couldn't understand Rita. He couldn't understand the Voidframe, either.
Yuliana's hand curls in Elisa's robes, clutching her closely as she squeezes her. The pressure, too, is welcome, comforting and secure. Supportive enough for her to absorb it -- that destroying her old ally is necessary -- with little more than the breath of another sigh and a long blink. "Perhaps it's fortunate," she murmurs. "If we'd proceeded despite those reactions..."
Yes, it's better for their aims, isn't it?
"Oh, Elya," Yuliana says, fond and hushed. "I spent so much time thinking... I wasn't the type of person who people took to that way. It always felt like they'd abandon me... just like everyone does, when disaster strikes. The only ones I could depend on were my family, and I was so sure they'd hate me for what Medical did..." Perhaps it's an insightful window -- into just how deep the damage goes. Yuliana's faults began long before she discovered how terrifying doctors were.
The One Year War hurt a lot of people. Most weren't soldiers.
"I've spent so long thinking I was alone," Yuliana says, with a troubled frown. "But were people waiting, this whole time? Lettu stuck with me, and Dr. Murasame said Leyasha'd not give up on me at all... and Ritechka..."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Of course Elisa is careful, with Yuliana in her arms. Always.
"He couldn't," Elisa agrees. "I may find a use for him, since you wish me not to destroy him. We shall see."
But the pressure is welcome? The pressure is needed. Elisa does say, "Yes. Now, I have more information than I had before. I understand you better. And we have an opportunity to save your friend."
But Yuliana spent so much time thinking that way, and Elisa strokes, and smiles. "Yes... Of course. Your family." Which is her, now, too. "But we do not. Your family loves you, Yuliana. No matter what was done."
All insight into Yuliana is interesting.
"Indeed it may be so," Elisa says. "I worry, of course. I do not wish you to be hurt. But if you feel that they are waiting for you... Why, perhaps it is best that you explore that idea. I wish you to have everything you want, my Yuliana. This includes your friends."
If they should abandon her then...
"Disaster will strike again. If you wish to open your generous heart, then I shall support you."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Ah, you're so resourceful," Yuliana praises Elisa, softly, softly, softly. It's a compliment, considering where she came from. If Elisa can find a use for Dr. Murasame... well, that just speaks to her ingenuity, doesn't it?
And Yuliana needs the pressure, surely. She needs Elisa's understanding, and the rhythmic touch of her fingertips, too. "You love me," she confirms, and confirms Elisa's position, just the same. "I'm so happy..."
But Elisa worries, and Yuliana looks up to her, with those aching green eyes. Her feelings... Elisa honours them so faithfully. Her voice still trembles, when she thinks of disasters still to come. "I--I don't know," she says, all too vaguely. "But... I'm so hungry for them not to give up on me. Maybe it's just because... if Medical gave up on me, well..." They would have killed her. Yuliana has excellent reasons to fear abandonment and hunger for redemption, as a failure of an experiment given such a conditional second chance.
"Elya... I'm afraid," she admits, though she scarcely needs to say it. It's written in the curl of her fingertips into her robes, in the way she presses herself against her, in the pain of her expression. "Nothing is more valuable to me than your words, but even knowing how you feel, sometimes I still think... what if I don't deserve it? I can be... mm, a forceful woman... and so often I act before I think. What if my heart's really not enough..?" That green-eyed monster looks up at her witch, all fear, all doubt. "What if... I really don't have what they have, Elya?"
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
"Thank you, my darling. I do what I can. And I do what I must."
Elisa even has expressions, like this. She has more than simply a smile, for Yuliana. "I love you," she says again, because she cannot say it enough. "And I am glad." That she is happy. But... Those green eyes. Elisa stares down into them with her own, still rough with pupils.
"Is it so unnatural?" Elisa wonders. "To want such a thing."
She is afraid, and no, she doesn't need to say it, but Elisa listens in rapt attention to it all the same. Sometimes... Ah, yes. The witch looks down at her monster. "You deserve the world, my darling. You are forceful, but that is because you are passionate. You act before you think sometimes, but that is because you overflow with that passion. Your heart is more than enough. What is this thing, that they could have that you could not? It is nothing. For you are the most wonderful."
"You wonder this because you are kind. It is a difficulty. But I assure you... you deserve this, and more. You deserve everything that I wish to give you."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"I can always rely on you," Yuliana says, and she so clearly admires Elisa's capacity to do what she must.
She loves Elisa's quiet expressiveness, too. Elisa has so much to give, though the world so infrequently recognises her depths. It's fine. Yuliana, alone, sees the truth of her.
Yuliana, alone...
She gazes into Elisa's eyes, and does not look away.
All her attention centres on Elisa -- only Elisa -- lips parting for soft breath, as Elisa explains everything. What could they possibly have..? What could those people have, that she lacks, when she is so full to overflowing?
She deserves --
"Oh, Elya," Yuliana sighs, reaching up a hand to cup her cheek, gently, gently, gently. "You give me so much... I'm so happy you're with me. I don't know what I'd do, if I didn't have you... oh, surely I'd be lost. My wonderful heart... it really relies on you, zhenushka. I couldn't take another disaster alone..."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Yes, she admires it. Elisa appreciates that admiration, when it lasts. There is so much that needs to be done, after all. That Elisa must do. And she will give what she can, for that. Yes, the world rarely recognizes those depths, but what does it matter, so long as Yuliana does? That is all that matters.
And she gazes back into Yuliana's...
Elisa smiles, down at Yuliana. "You will not have to find out," Elisa assures Yuliana.
"You will never face such things without me."