2023-05-20: .how they see our worlD
- Log: .how they see our worlD
- Cast: Yuliana Kafim, Elisa Kafim
- Where: The Silent Castle, Kaffeklubben Island
- Date: 2023-05-20
- Summary: After Elisa returns Yuliana to the Castle and sees to her care, Yuliana discusses the Reaction between Psychoframe and Voidframe which they endured in space. Elisa reveals that she, too, witnessed the event -- and helps answer all Yuliana's burning questions about what it means and who's at fault. Elisa has her own questions about the... other people in Yuliana's heart, but Yuliana assures her that she alone is her Queen.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
From the reaches of space to the seas around Kaffeklubben, Emptear comes. "Set down," Yuliana chokes out, the command to disengage; they send it hiding below the ice again. She buries herself in Elisa's arms, and lets her take her back to the comfort inside the Castle.
(Seeing their Captain coming back that frazzled, Wen and Parminder elect to stay on guard a little longer, in Wen's Arm Slave. They were protecting the Castle while everyone was gone, of course -- one doesn't leave one's fortress on a forward assault without leaving some defences behind.)
But Elisa calms her down; Elisa always calms her down. A calming bath heated by flames, some tea, the proper medication... it's all right. All will be well. They even manage to eat. The menu tonight is chicken. It's delicious. Obviously, they devour the whole bird.
Finally she's managed to get Yuliana into bed to rest up, after that ordeal; Yuliana's clingy enough that there's no way Elisa couldn't be here with her, but surely that's a normal fate for them both. She curls around her, in her arms, and those black tendrils clutch tightly to Elisa's waist even as her hands cluster at her clavicle.
"... I don't... want to go to sleep," she admits, at length, eyes fluttering open to look up to Elisa's on those fine silken pillows. "I'm scared, Elya..."
Of what she will see, no doubt. She has always been most receptive to the Void in her dreams; it is there she receives her most detailed and extensive visions, her most comprehensive understanding. And yes -- at times -- it does frighten her. Perhaps she's always been a gentle soul. It's not something they've put in her head, in this fight. But...
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
As it happens, Elisa finds that she enjoys the chicken, if only vaguely. Her mind is not on the food. Her mind is on Yuliana, and on what happened, and her thoughts are racing. Even as she calms Yuliana, Elisa's thoughts continue to bank forward, to rush, to analyze, to wonder why and how and what happened.
But Elisa is now with Yuliana, and it is indeed normal enough. Elisa holds Yuliana, and looks down into her eyes. She is scared...
"It is hard," she says. "To face." To face what? She does not say. But Yuliana is scared, and Elisa traces fingers down from her temple to her cheek. "You do not have to just yet," she says. "You can stay with me, instead. I am... 'here'."
'Here'. Yuliana knows what that means, of course.
"...Those hated abominations," she sighs. "Subjecting you to such things..."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana turns her head, tilting her cheek into Elisa's fingertips. "Mm," she hums, in vague agreement. It's so hard...
"Thank God... thank you, Elya," and perhaps it's better to thank Elisa for orienting herself here with her, rather than some dark presence looming large above them. "Don't leave me... I need you. I only feel safe with you..." And her heart will shatter, gazing up to her with those endless, soulful green eyes. "You've always protected me... today, too... I'm sorry my will gave out when we were so close. Oh, Elya, I feel I've let you down... but you didn't even hesitate, did you?" She sighs, nuzzling at Elisa's hand. "You're wonderful..."
There was someone else she was asking for help back then, of course. Anyway.
The frills at Yuliana's ears wilt down with her expression, a long, slow blink. "Elya... what did they do to me? That light, I didn't think it would matter... but Emptear only increased its pressure. I don't understand... Axis Shock couldn't reach me." She frowns, as she thinks back. "Light like that, it was at Palau, too... is this what you worried over? I thought I was so untouchable, but... oh, Elya, I didn't know," she insists, and she is upset. About the light of Psychoframe, of course. But also:
"I didn't know... silence could be like that..."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
"I will stay," Elisa assures Yuliana when she asks her not to leave her. She stares down into those eyes, endless as anything, and what she did--protecting--Elisa shakes her head very slightly to the side. "It is not your fault," she assures her. "It is more than 'will'." As for her hesitation, well, "...Besides, we gathered much useful data. Next time..."
Of course there will be a next time. She trails off on it, and instead looks to Yuliana at that question.
"The light..." She has been thinking of that, since they returned. Since she was able to safeguard Yuliana, and have time to think as well.
"Yes," she says. "This is what concerned me. But its effect were greater than I anticipated. I believed that Emptear on its own was enough to block out that light, to overwhelm it... but instead there was a reaction, between the Voidframe and their Psychoframe."
She holds Yuliana closer, squeezes lightly. "They appear to have gotten in the way of your Connection for a moment. Only a moment..."
"But it cannot be allowed again." She pauses, and looks more sympathetic still. "Oh, it must have been terrible..."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Elisa assures her she'll stay, and gratitude shines, starry, in Yuliana's eyes. It's not her fault...
Next time, she says, and Yuliana does not challenge her.
"How... how could they react? That Psychoframe... it's tuned to little more than a first draft, not like... psycommu's never worked for me, Elya." She laughs, faintly: "Haha... I thought it was just some statement, when first I saw something so like it, in Emptear... taking something of theirs, not anything I could use... but now, they recognise each other? The Banshee, Gaia Gear -- how could Emptear recognise those wretched machines?!"
She buries herself, against Elisa -- hands balling into her nightgown as she hides her face beneath her wife's chin, legs tangling in tighter, those snakes clutching at her back.
"Oh, Elya," she says, and whimpers, pressing in against her. "I couldn't see Her, I couldn't feel Her -- She was so angry, when I found Her again, so concerned! And I -- and I -- I couldn't feel anything," she says, breath hitching. "Is that... is that what I do to them, Elya? Is that what it's like...? It was awful!" And how awful it is, that Yuliana has experienced something like it, now.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
"Because those wretched machines stand in opposition to all we hold dear. Those things are our enemy. It is only natural for Emptear to recognize her enemies. For you to recognize your enemies."
The snakes clutch, and Elisa watches Yuliana longer. She remembers, what happened there... how Yuliana saw the world. How the others saw the world.
"She was not angry with me," Elisa says. "...She showed me, what I must do. How I must keep you safe. And what I shall do to make it happen. It will take me time, but I shall accomplish it."
But is that what she does to them...?
"Of course she was concerned. Those things placed their touch upon you, attempted to take you from Her. You..."
She considers that again. "Oh, my Yuliana..." She holds her closer still. "They do not benefit from communion with Her, as you do. What could they possible 'feel' that could compare?" She strokes Yuliana's face. "They deserve every ounce of it if it hurts them. They dared to touch my Yuliana. To put their filthy minds close to yours. But look at it this way, for them..."
"..When you open your eyes to brilliant sunlight after a long time in the dark--is it not painful? Does it not hurt, for the sun to scorch your eyes, when you were in the embrace of soothing darkness?"
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Of course... they're our sworn enemies, so..." It's well, isn't it, that Yuliana can recognise their enemies so easily? Elisa says it is so, and so it is.
But... She showed Elisa... Yuliana frowns, in confusion, as she pulls her head back enough to look up at her, again. (Not terribly far, of course. She always wants to stay so close.) They tried to... take her...?
Her eyelids flutter, feeling Elisa's cool fingers along her cheek, with a light sigh. It doesn't compare at all... and they deserve it, anyway... receptive to her touch and her logic, her gaze gentles, all caught in Elisa's eyes.
"Yes," she breathes out, more calm. "Yes... it's a difficult adjustment. To know the world as it must be... oh, Elya, I never wanted to know how they saw it. It's not fair! They should have... they should have just listened to me... if they were decent, they'd adjust, wouldn't they?! Surely something like that is just the first step for them -- they'd not be ready..." It's a fine justification, all things considered.
A fine justification for her taking it all away.
She turns her cheek towards Elisa's fingers, in another nuzzling gesture. "How could they touch me? I am yours, zhenushka. I welcome only your touch. Those wretched creatures... how could they?" And it is so easy, to blame them, petulant-piqued.
Focusing on Elisa's touch, at least, is calming; her offense simmers, eyes closed for a moment as she breathes her in. They blink open, and she looks up to her, query shining in her eyes. "But, Elya... how? How did She unveil this, to you?" She doesn't know..?
Perhaps it's not so strange.
She experienced the world as Newtypes do, around her -- but why would she know that they experienced the world as she does, around Newtypes?
To understand her is to understand isolation, after all.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
"So it is natural that our works would oppose theirs. And theirs, ours."
Yuliana is confused. Elisa will soothe that confusion. She will make it better. And it is difficult, "They should have," Elisa agrees. "It is not fair at all. If they would simply listen, all this hardship would be unnecessary. But they are not. They are not prepared. And it is their own doing. They persist in their wickedness..."
But Yuliana asks. How? "It is unforgivable."
But the question? How...? Ah. Of course; she would not know. She has experienced them, but...
"The Reaction," Elisa explains, gently. "It inflicted their wickedness upon you, briefly. But it afforded others a brief glimpse of Her in her splendour. Her anger upon them was great. ...But She showed me, in those moments, how best to protect you."
"Yes, Her gaze fell upon them. And so now they are marked. It is inevitable, our triumph."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"It's only natural," Yuliana echoes, so easily. They are stubborn, and ill-prepared, and responsible, and wicked... and unforgivable.
Of course.
She is confused by so much; her Elisa has ever been willing to explain things, where it makes so little sense, in her eyes. Her eyes plead, and Elisa, as ever, answers her cries. As ever, she is comforted by how much sense it makes, under Elisa's analysis.
Elisa is gentle, and Yuliana listens without looking away. She sees everything -- the way Yuliana's eyes widen, as she speaks of what those Newtypes saw, her sharp gasp, the way her brow draws into a frown. "They -- they saw -- they took my Sight, and left me with less than nothing?! My divine connection -- how could they desecrate it?! The communion is mine! Ever has it only been mine!" Ah; she's upset. She is so upset, realising they have seen something so private, so uniquely hers.
"How could they?! They weren't ready! They were not prepared! They profaned Her gaze, to meet it! Oh, of course She was angry!" Tears well in her eyes; her breath hitches. "They can't understand," she insists, all a-wobble. "Her touch, Her revelations... they couldn't possibly understand... you know it is difficult, of course, but you know what limitations I still labour beneath! They'll just declare it -- they'll glimpse the truth for moments and grow sure that lying is more comfortable!" They'll see the Void -- and the Woman who reigns there -- as bad. Bad for her, even. They'll think they know, and...
And...
And it upsets Yuliana so much, for some reason.
She swallows, eyes blinking shut, for a long moment. "Mm..." With a steadying breath, she wriggles one of her own hands free of being trapped, between them -- just so her hand can cup Elisa's cheek. "But... though they violated us so... you saw it, Elya? You saw?" Her gaze gentles, with a little smile, to her. "I wish they hadn't touched me that way, but... but I'm still a little happy. Because I could share that, with you..." Elisa alone understands her, doesn't she?
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Of course.
Elisa explains, and Yuliana gasps. She frowns. Of course she is upset. Why would she not be? Elisa tries to put on a soothing expression, but she does not forestall Yuliana's words. She waits for her to speak it out. And then...
"They will not understand," Elisa agrees with Yuliana. "They will see what they wish to see. They will believe what they wish to believe. And that is why it is all the more important now that we are steadfast. That we continue with our work."
But Elisa leans into Yuliana's hand, as she asks, and.. a little happy, is it? Elisa smiles, faintly. "I also wish it, but..."
"It was right, to see. Perhaps this is why I did not know it would happen; perhaps Her plan was for me to have this chance to See, for a moment, to better understand you."
"Because of course I am the one who will be with you. Always."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana has always grown so upset, when outsiders see the realities of her private life. She's a private woman. They make judgements. They think she is being hurt. It's not like that.
No. It's just... complicated. They don't understand.
"Yes... our work must continue. It's inevitable..." That's what Elisa said, after all, of their victory. Yuliana always listens so closely, when Elisa speaks. It's a mutual arrangement.
Elisa has an explanation for this, as well, and Yuliana smiles. "She is great," she agrees, softly. "And She loves us so. Yes... though it had to be done with those awful machines, though those awful people saw too much... for you, it was an opportunity." Yuliana still comes from the REA, though she undermines them, now; she still values opportunity very much. "Oh, Elya... now you know, don't you? Something should be there, but it's not... there's nothing, in the places it's all been gouged out. And there She waits, and there She watches... I've tried to describe it so many times, but it is a thing beyond words." No wonder she goes so mad, trying to speak them.
Though she lapses into mad ravings less, now, than she did. She comprehends more than she could when they began. Elisa has helped her, surely.
Surely it's better this way.
Yuliana's fingers curl, at Elisa's cheek, as she tilts her head up to press her lips to hers. She doesn't have to move far. Elisa holds her so, so close. Her breath is warmer, over her lips, as she parts and opens her eyes to look to her again. "Always," she promises, and promises again: "I am yours." There's no hypocrisy about it; that she has devoted herself to God does not mean she cannot also devote herself to her wife. She is Elisa's, and they are of the Void. Both these things are true. Both these things are good. "You know me so well, and even more, now... oh, Elya, they were so terrible, but at least we achieved this."
Next time, Elisa said, and Yuliana honours it as she strokes her cheek. "I'll do it again," she promises. "For you. I'll trust in the solution you grasped, and I'll do it again... each time you bring us closer and closer to victory, my darling." She smiles, and her love is grateful. "Oh, I'll admit it was taxing, but... compared to last time, it didn't hurt at all! Just as you promised, my armour protected me, zhenushka. I'm so glad you're with me..."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Of course they don't understand.
Elisa will always find opportunities, in the meanwhile. "She is." Now she knows.... And yes. There it is Elisa knows better than Yuliana was ever able to describe it, though what she does not know of course is how those Newtypes feel normally, without it. She can only guess at such a thing but this?
"It is," she says. "Far beyond. I understand, yes."
Elisa presses back, and her breath is Yuliana's breath. All of these things are true. "...Yes," Elisa answers. "We did We had this much. And I shall have you. I shall remain with you."
Next time. "Such important things are often taxing," Elisa says. "But you are safe, now. And I will make you safer. Your armor protected you, and so shall the next piece in that armor..."
She smiles. "Good. That is vital. Together, we shall..."
Then she frowns, as if slightly lost. "...But it is not only me who you asked for help," she says, and she sounds sad about it. "In such a moment of desperation, it would seem you also had thoughts of another..."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Elisa understands. She understands! She understands her, and it is the greatest gift anyone can offer to Yuliana, all trapped beneath the bell-jar.
Yuliana's cheeks warm with affection, framing at the bottom of her eyes, as Elisa agrees with her assessment. She shall, she shall, and all will be well. Yuliana is relieved, to hear Elisa affirm how difficult it is, and how determined she is to keep her safe. She smiles, too.
It's an expression Elisa can clearly see falter, as her wife recalls Athrusa. A touch more wan, her own frown more concerned, she brushes her fingers along Elisa's cheek. "That was just -- things I used to say," she says, and it's true, even if it's not quite complete. "It's not like she was terribly warm, but Dr. Baihe was more sympathetic than the other doctors... since she was there, I..."
Yuliana frowns, glancing down at their fine silken pillow, turning her cheek into the bed with the slightest shake of her head. "I... it brought up some feelings, Elya. I betrayed her after I betrayed Ritechka, and I suppose I didn't really betray Ritechka -- but her, certainly... and then she appeared after I had to take that opportunity, and it's just, hard, doing what must be done... I never thought it was hard, but I guess all the people I was doing it to just didn't matter." Which means those two do?
"I know she was a doctor in that place, but I don't hate her... her job wasn't to hurt me. I -- I know she said some absolutely dreadful things, but I'm sure she doesn't mean them! She must just have the wrong impression, since she was working in that environment." ... she's making excuses for her.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
But that faltering smile... Yes. Elisa sees it. It is terrible, the way it falters as her wife recalls someone else. She notices that concern, and Elisa does not lean into the touch this time, though she does not lean away from it; her eyes are concerned. "I... see..."
Things she used to say.
"I see... So your heart is simply too big to be tamed by such things," she says. Those people didn't matter--those people do. And Yuliana doesn't hate her...
"Perhaps she doesn't. But I am afraid, my darling, that it is not you that she hates. It is me. Perhaps it is because she does not understand, but..." She sounds so very, very troubled at this, dealing with feelings besides Yuliana's. No, is that it?
"It is hard, of course. You must not blame yourself. But it would seem that she is troubled, too..."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana only grows more troubled, feeling Elisa still under her fingertips. Her wife may well feel her heart beating faster, pressed against her as she is. (Out of anxiety, this time.) It's large, Elisa says, and yet untamed.
It's Yuliana who wonders whether her heart is too big.
And Elisa's fear is a lance through it, as Yuliana's eyes widen and her lips part in a pained gasp. The fingers of her trapped hand curl at Elisa's lower shoulder, as the one she's freed slips behind Elisa's head; she lifts herself up the pillow, tilts her head down, and between both efforts presses her forehead steadfastly to Elisa's.
Of course Elisa doesn't want her to blame herself, but it's hard not to. It's hard.
"No, no," Yuliana insists, ragged. "If she hates you, she hates me, Elya!" As if no one could like Yuliana and not care for Elisa -- or the other way around, surely. "Oh, darling, I'm so sorry... I wasn't thinking of your feelings hearing those awful things at all!" It can't just be that Elisa's having to think of someone else. No -- surely she is hurt.
"It doesn't matter if she can't see how happy I am -- I've never been more happy than I am with you," Yuliana insists, rubbing her forehead to Elisa's. "I wish they wouldn't say such awful things about you..."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa does not find her own heart beating faster. Does it still beat? A question. But she certainly notices Yuliana's. That anxious heart, large and untamed... And she does not say that Yuliana's heart is too big, she would never, but if it happens to be a question then perhaps that's worth considering.
Elisa is clearly afraid of this, though; she then listens to Yuliana, feels the effort to press herself close And there, "It is all right," Elisa says. "You were quite engaged. Those things they said were terrible indeed."
"...But if that is how you feel," she says, "That you are happiest with me, even given that..." She smiles faintly, hesitantly. "Then my heart is eased."
"I will endure these slings and arrows," she says. "For you."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
One can become monstrous both by addition and by subtraction. Yuliana's tentacles press tightly against Elisa's back, holding her to her, and if she notices a discrepancy in their heartbeats she doesn't dare to speak it.
It beat for her. Did it stop for her, too?
Yuliana is the one who raises these questions, of course, so naturally she considers them.
Her breath, at least, is still warm as it crosses that hairline gap to Elisa's lips; Yuliana sighs, in unveiled relief, as she assures her it's all right. Terrible, indeed... yes.
Yuliana runs her fingers through Elisa's hair, stroking the back of her head with gentle care, and this close all she can see is Elisa's eyes. A ghost of a smile flickers over her lips, just the same. "Oh, Elya... I love you so. You do so much for me..." Even enduring their criticism, unjust though it is.
"I promise," she offers her, "they'll not sway how I feel. No matter what dreadful things they say... oh, darling, say the word and I'll crush them for their impudence, I will. How could anyone challenge our happiness..?"
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa certainly does not voice it.
But in the meantime, Yuliana's breath is warm, and Elisa still exhales as well, returning Yuliana's breath to her and more besides. It is all right, she has said, but she seems to mean it more as Yuliana reassures her in turn. For it would appear that Elisa does have some questions... But--
Elisa's eyes are there, open, staring. And she feels that smile more than sees it, feels it in the muscles of her hand and in her peripheral vision. "I love you too," she says. "Always."
"...I believe you," Elisa says of the promise. "Yes. Thank you. I will remember that..."
"We will let no one challenge our joys."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana anticipates those questions; she would never do anything as untoward as steal the thoughts from her mind, but she has known her wife, now, for almost two years. (Has it only been that long?) Elisa is not loudly expressive, the way Yuliana is, but that scarcely means she has no feelings of her own.
And Yuliana's gotten good at guessing.
She looks into Elisa's eyes, and hers do not close; she is open to all Elisa's intensity, green and jealous green. Her fingers are relaxed, against her hair; soft, soothing, rhythmic.
And Elisa always remembers promises.
That's why Yuliana chose such a serious thing to reassure her with; her wife deserves nothing but the best. "No one," she breathes, in loving agreement. "No one will come between us, Elya. You are mine, and none will take you from me." The jealousy is mutual, too.
"Yes," she says, again, fingers through her hair. "You are the most important person in my life. No one stands above you. You are my Queen, Elya."
If only... she were the only important person.
But surely it is something, that she matters more than any of them. She is first, in a heart too large.
She'd still be there, even if it were clutched smaller, denser, tighter...