2023-04-26: Try As I Might I Cannot Arrest My Unquenchable Loathing
- Log: 2023-04-26- Try As I Might I Cannot Arrest My Unquenchable Loathing
- Cast: Rena Lancaster, Alma Stirner
- Where: Orb Union
- OOC - IC Date: 0097-04-26
- Summary: Alma finds herself drawn to Rena Lancaster in the Orb Union. They have a brief talk; despite Rena's best efforts, they don't reach each other. Perhaps they can't.
<Pose Tracker> Rena Lancaster has posed.
The Three Ships Alliance spends a fair amount of time in Orb. The United Emirates of Orb remaining independent is one of their victories -- and one of their major sources of support -- so they have a vested interest in helping Orb's military forces maintain that status quo.
But it's also a decent place for time off. Of course, it's also a place that people from across the Earth Sphere can find themselves. Funny, how the tourism industry works.
One of the most popular places is a large beachside town, with sidewalk cafes and a bar on the beach. There are palm trees all about.
Rena Lancaster is here -- looking at some of the beachfront property with a scheme regarding Anita -- and she also has a drink. It is a pina colada, with an umbrella tucked into it. She is wearing a T-shirt, shorts, and sandals.
It's not quite a beach vacation, but it's close. She is standing outside a store on the beach, which is selling painted seashells, swimwear, and other seaside knicknacks.
<Pose Tracker> Alma Stirner has posed.
After last night's conversations at the Silent Castle, Alma needs... space. She feels a little better with her outfit squared away again but honestly not much; being told that her fate is both worse than death and emotionally inconveniences Yuliana is... a lot, to deal with, and presently she's dealing with it by not dealing with it at all.
She needs a vacation.
It's a little risky for a Federation operative with shaky circumstances to make herself known in Orb, but here she is, doing just that. Something nags at the corner of her perception, though... things haven't really settled into that comfortable near-silence yet.
Drawn on by her gut feeling alone, she eventually finds her way to a woman she knows almost entirely by reputation. Their paths have nearly converged and then diverged so many times now, and yet...
"Hi!" She inserts herself into Rena's field of vision without warning, in her unnecessarily ornate corset dress -- far too much for a place like this. "Rena, right?" She's all smiles... but something about her vibe is unsettling.
<Pose Tracker> Rena Lancaster has posed.
Rena tuns her head, as she catches sight of Alma. But she had a prickle of sensation before that; a sense, on the back of her mind, like catching the reflection of a lightning flash behind her. She didn't know what to make of it, when it came.
She does, though, when she sees that head of red hair.
She knows Alma Stirner by reputation, too. She was in Londo Bell when Rena was; she was also involved with Lilith, and that is still a point of sadness. And wasn't she transferred to...
Her eyes widen a little -- and then Rena smiles, a moment later. If Alma is here, maybe she made it out. And if she didn't, then maybe...
She doesn't have an answer after that, but it's different than having no answer.
"Oh--hello!" she says. She lifts a hand from around her pina colada, waving. "Alma Stirner, right? I, ah, remember you from... you know. Previous employer." The way she smiles awkwardly, she knows just how awkward that statement is. Or, maybe, it's the hard to define but still unsettling vibe she gets.
<Pose Tracker> Alma Stirner has posed.
"Yep! That's me," Alma enthuses, sounding distinctly like her old self. "It's been a while since Londo Bell, right? Well, for you, anyway." Granted, Alma has spent big slices of that time in various states of distress and dysfunction -- and in at least one case, extended sedation -- but...
"So when are you and Eight going to let the rest of the Three Ships Alliance off your leash?" ... She gets right to it, evidently. Despite the topic, she's all pleasant smiles, at least for the moment -- and indeed she feels the need to clarify, "Don't worry -- this isn't gonna be a fight or anything, we're still, you know." Vague gesture. "This is way more your home turf than mine! I just want to know if I can expect you to let go of Annie and Ruri and everyone else."
Her fingernails dig into the center of her palm; she doesn't seem to notice. "Trust me, you don't need to act like you've got this nice, comfy arrangement. Not with me. I know the way you two have everyone drawn into your wake, with all that," her other hand gestures airily, "vision and drive."
Well, it seems like she didn't make it out, at least.
<Pose Tracker> Rena Lancaster has posed.
"Yeah. A few months," Rena admits. She scratches at the back of her neck, awkwardly, as she thinks about that for a second. It feels like yesterday, sometimes; it also feels like a year ago, sometimes. Some days, those times are only a few minutes apart.
At the directness of the question, though, Rena's expression shifts from a sort of happy awkwardness to something much more muted. She looks surprised -- maybe stunned, for a second.
"I... I don't have anyone on my leash," she says. "And Eight doesn't either. We're not... making anyone do anything."
She frowns. "What makes you think that?"
<Pose Tracker> Alma Stirner has posed.
"Oh, you can say that," Alma agrees, "but pretty much anyone would say that. You can say you're just showing them your vision of a better world, with understanding without misunderstanding and whatever else, but -- do you really think it makes it easier if you say, 'this is fair,' or 'we're not making anyone do anything'?"
The words come rapidfire -- Alma isn't even thinking about them as she says them. "Do you think it's more bearable just 'cuz it's your 'natural charisma' or whatever? That there should be Newtypes at all, there's the problem! You're going to lead every good person into your 'beautiful future' and for the handful of us who can't, who aren't so lucky, there'll just be nothing and every worthy person in the world will blithely accept it --"
She has to stop at this point to take a breath, but still shows no signs of stopping...
"And you'll say that it was their choice to die in battle for the sake of the future you wanted and that their sacrifice was regrettable and worthy and honestly that's worse because then the rest of us really will be left with nothing except to bury them and know we've been left alone in the world again, trapped in the void between understandings --"
This time Alma does stop herself. What is she even saying? She's not this... bitter, grasping person, is she? She clears her throat awkwardly, and says, "L-let me try that again." A hand comes up to rub, embarrassed, at the back of her head.
"It's not that you're making them do anything. It's just that your whole thing is built on a really pretty, really fragile lie!" There. Much cleaner capsule summary. She settles down a bit, absently staring not at Rena but at her drink.
<Pose Tracker> Rena Lancaster has posed.
Rena steps backward, like having all of that thrown at her could somehow hit her. She hesitates for a moment, though. It gets at a fear -- after all, a lot of her friends followed her into Londo Bell. It takes a moment to remind herself that they ended up there in different ways; that maybe Rena had the ideas, but Eight was the one who became a flag officer.
She bites her lip for a moment. It sounds familiar -- it sounds like... not unlike the things Yuliana said.
She frowns for a moment, and then she shakes her head. "I'm not... I'm not saying any of that, though. Sacrifices aren't worthy. They're awful. The world shouldn't require them. And--"
She hesitates. "I'm sorry, Miss Stirner, I... did I do something to hurt you? If... if you don't agree with what the Three Ships Alliance has done, that's okay. And if... if you don't like Newtypes..."
Does she bring up Yuliana? She hesitates.
"...A Newtype can't make you think or feel anything," Rena says. She puts her hand over her heart. "What you think, what you feel, those are yours. No one can or should ever take that from you. And I'd never. I promise."
<Pose Tracker> Alma Stirner has posed.
"I know that! I -- was, one," Alma protests, almost snaps, though she can't quite meet Rena's gaze. "But it's -- rrgh... ugh." She looks away from Rena, trying to parse out what she, herself, is feeling.
In the end, the question of bringing up Yuliana is answered without movement from Rena, because Alma has to mumble to herself, "If Yulie were here she'd know exactly what to tell you -- ugh, she really did hollow me out and leave me with just rocks in my brain. I can't even do this for her --"
Something comes out before Alma can even think about it. "You did do something to hurt me! It's because of you that Yulie is so upset about people like us all the time -- which means it's your fault that she --" Ugh. How does she explain this without saying it in a way that Rena will just regurgitate right back at Yuliana and hurt her even more with --
After a ragged breath, she whispers, "I don't know if it'll be because the Federation sends me after your big project or because Yulie does -- but... I'll settle her business with you. For her sake." That's... that'll be enough, right?
<Pose Tracker> Rena Lancaster has posed.
Rena's eyes widen a little at that.
She tenses at the mention of 'Yulie.' She doesn't have to ask who that is. She doesn't have to confirm who that is. She stares at her for a moment, and then she bites her lip. She feels that pang of guilt, like it might be her fault for a moment.
And it isn't her fault, but it is her responsibility.
"I'm sorry," she says, after a moment. "I don't want you to be hurt. I... I don't think you can stop being a Newtype, no matter what they say. But you're more than how useful you are to her, okay? And you're more than whether you can stop me. Or us." She shakes her head.
"And I don't think your brain or your heart is full of rocks," Rena adds. "You always seemed like a really nice person, to me. A lot better than rocks."
<Pose Tracker> Alma Stirner has posed.
Alma pauses as Rena says something she doesn't expect. It's something she's used to hearing from Anita, but -- Anita isn't like Rena or Eight. Rena saying it feels different. For a while, all she manages is a, "What?"
Alma absently touches the edge of her sleeve, trying to fidget her way to a coherent answer. It doesn't come -- indeed, she feels more lost. "I wish things were some other way -- and you do too -- but I don't think there's any way out of this... not for both of us." She wishes she could explain why -- but again, it's something Yuliana has the gift for and Alma just doesn't. She's always found her way forward with her heart and not her head.
A 'nice person' wouldn't be such an intrusion for someone like Yuliana. Letting a breath out through her nose, she says, "You seemed like a nice person once, too. ... You still do. That's why this whole thing is so bad." She starts to pull back away, unsure if she can even say anything else that will be worth Rena's hearing.
<Pose Tracker> Rena Lancaster has posed.
"I... I don't think that," Rena says. "I think there's a way out. For both of us." She hesitates for a moment more. She looks down, when Alma says she seems like a nice person. She can hazard a guess.
She doesn't seem like the person Yuliana described. She would be flattered, if this wasn't so terrible.
She looks back up. "We'll find it, okay?" she says. "I know people like to say the world's cruel. That there's nothing that can be done. But... please don't give up on yourself. I think more people than you know are ready to believe in you."
She smiles, once -- and she doesn't move to give chase. Even if she wants to. It wouldn't be the right thing to do.
"The real you, whoever you want that to be."