2022-12-01: "So What if Fighting to Live is Selfish"
- Log: So What If Fighting to Live is Selfish?
- Cast: Kamille Bidan, Ennil El
- Where: Republic of Zeon, Side 3
- OOC - IC Date:0096-12-1
- Summary: Ennil finally gets her chance for a face-to-face with Kamille. The Universal Century takes no prisoners.
<Pose Tracker> Kamille Bidan has posed.
As a medical officer Kamille sometimes has to do Federation work outside of the Ra Mari from time to time, and in this case it's brought him to the mostly peaceful (at the moment) Side 3, aka the (former?) Republic of Zeon. He kind of wonders if they're doing it on purpose, having a war ace who never really claimed Federation affinity until recently make an 'appearance.' But he doesn't mind the work, as it involves helping some of the OYW veterans who still deal with long term injuries. If some of them have some interesting opinions about Zeon in one direction or another, Kamille has had enough bedside training to bite his tongue and just let them talk.
But he's on break now, watching a demonstration of a OYW-era Zaku as tourists gather around. He lingers just behind the main group, taking a few videos with his phone to show Fa later. She doesn't quite geek out about mechs the way he does, but she may appreciate it anyway.
<Pose Tracker> Ennil El has posed.
Ennil had hardly been in any position to appreciate this place the last time she was here, considering the circumstances. She'd very nearly decided never to set foot anywhere near Side 3 again.
But there was something lingering not too far from here that'd caught her attention, looking over maintenance data on Loni's behalf. And the Republic of Zeon was the most convenient place to start. Officially, sure, the Sleeves didn't operate from here -- but plenty of them felt more than comfortable.
Still, that's work that'll take some time. Things like this involve a lot of calling someone who'll call someone -- and then waiting for them to pass notes back down the line -- and just laying around a hotel room is a pretty boring option. So she's staring at this Zaku demonstration, trying to get a feel for exactly how faithful the recreation is in tiny elements of mechanical tension... and her eyes find the back of a blue-haired head.
The universe likes playing tricks on Ennil El, sometimes. Because she has a name to go with that figure now, and --
'Leina, how the hell did I end up shooting at your doctor?'
Guys like him don't miss that kind of sudden attention.
<Pose Tracker> Kamille Bidan has posed.
Kamille notices he is Noticed.
Sometimes that's nothing. Just 'oh yes, you watched a documentary on the Gryps Conflict? Yes that's me,' and a polite conversation and maybe he has to sign something for someone. He doesn't draw attention to himself, but that doesn't mean he doesn't get it. So he turns around to see Ennil...staring at him. And while he doesn't recognize Ennil, the thought 'shooting at your doctor' runs through his mind.
"Um." It's clear he can't quite place Ennil. And there's no non-bonkers way to say 'hey were you thinking about me just now?' to a stranger. Newtype Problems. So he goes with, "Is everything alright?"
<Pose Tracker> Ennil El has posed.
"Ah,"
Newtype problems. And Ennil El also has to consider whether there's any non-insane way to explain how she and Kamille Bidan have anything in common. It's not like, once she'd heard the name, she'd never thought to look the guy up.
"I'm fine actually! Though -- I think I need to thank you? Leina Ashta's a friend of mine, and..."
And if he asks how they know each other she's going to have to explain. God. It's not actually any easier when you don't know what the other person is thinking.
God, how do normal people do this? Normal people don't have to hold conversations with someone they pointed a beam rifle at.
"It's just... funny running into her doctor here, is all..."
<Pose Tracker> Kamille Bidan has posed.
"Oh, Leina!"
Kamille's surprised but cautious expression loosens right away, and he smiles. It's warm and genuine. "She really does make friends everywhere, huh? She's just been a patient for a while, that's all. I try to look after my patients when I can."
'Shooting your doctor' though. Hmm. When did Ennil shoot him? And the voice...
"Still, you recognized me by sight, huh? It feels like I've met you before. I hope that doesn't sound too strange."
Shooting at, shooting at...
He blanches briefly and glances away. "Torrington...?"
<Pose Tracker> Ennil El has posed.
"She really does. She's always had a knack for it, even when she was younger..."
Which, actually, is a bit of a giveaway. She's a little rattled and not thinking through the implications.
"Well. I mean! You're a pretty well known guy. I was really surprised when--"
But there's no use faking it. He's also not an idiot. She picks up the flinch immediately, and goes a little pale herself.
"Yeah. Ugh, I'm sorry, I... hell." The cloud around her would be painfully obvious for someone with half Kamille's gift. "I'd say I wasn't myself, but at the time, I absolutely was. I still feel bad about chewing you out like that, though."
<Pose Tracker> Kamille Bidan has posed.
"You don't need to apologize for fighting in a battle," Kamille insists hastily. "It's more that. Ugh, I was-I barely even remember the full thing clearly. Amuro Ray's appearance, the Triple Zero energy he gave off, that poor Cyber-Newtype, it was like drowning in a sea of anger and despair. I lashed out at whoever was in front of me, and there you were. It wasn't as if you'd done me any wrong then or now." He rubs at the back of his neck.
And then he recognizes that other feeling as he mentions it, though it's much more subdued here, not blazing from a reborn Nu Gundam piloted by an ace long thought dead. His eyes go wide.
"...Wait. You-you have..."
<Pose Tracker> Ennil El has posed.
She winces when he picks up that particular element. "Yeah." Speaking of things there's no easy way to talk about. "Though if you wanna ask me about Amuro -- I don't think that guy talks to anyone. And if you're gonna go off on me again, Leina beat you to it."
She tilts her head up, sighing. "Loni, too. I went chasing her and... now things are like this." She shrugs. "But I'm not here on business. ...that business. And even if you don't hold a grudge for Torrington, it'd sit pretty bad on me to turn this into a fight if it doesn't have to be."
<Pose Tracker> Kamille Bidan has posed.
Kamille shakes his head. "No, I won't go off on you, I promise. It isn't your fault." Though quietly, the physician part of him takes note: proof here that Triple Zero energy can spread to those who have never been to Orange Site. "Or Amuro's," he adds quietly. "As long as you're not here for that. But..."
He glances around, the crowd still distracted by the Zaku demonstration.
"I haven't had a chance to talk to someone with that-with your point of view yet. I suppose I just want to know. It's to help us save you, so if you don't want to, I won't force you."
<Pose Tracker> Ennil El has posed.
"Ahaha... I hope you know it's not gonna be that easy." She gives him a tight little grin. "But after a pitch like that, I'm a little curious about you too. And I don't think you're hiding any purifiers up your sleeve, so... Ask away, I guess."
She directs her gaze over to the Zaku again, tilting her head. "Though it doesn't feel all that different to me, most of the time. All the same hobbies, all the same troubles. Even knowing what it's asking me to do... It's not like the idea never made sense before. You know what it's been like."
Her shoulders fall as she focuses her attention on one of the few survivors of Gryps. "It's not like we're the only ones feeling this way. Both of us know other people who made the same choice before the Aura of Dawn ever got involved."
<Pose Tracker> Kamille Bidan has posed.
Kamille chuckles slightly. "Of course it's not going to be easy. If we could have talked you out of it we would have by now, rather than face friends in battle. And no, I can't purify." He holds up his arms, sleeves baggy and empty. "See?" Hopefully that'll lighten the tension a little.
And then digs those hands into his pockets.
"I know. I can't say it's too different from what Char decided, of his own will. It's hard to see how history keeps repeating itself, and suffering carries on, and there's no solution except...the one. But I refuse to acknowledge it as a solution, you know? This can't be the only way the universe is meant to be."
He's quiet for a second. "I said that the fight around Torrington felt like a fever dream to me, and it still does. But I remember something about miracles coming up...you hear that a lot when you're a 'known Newtype.'"
<Pose Tracker> Ennil El has posed.
Something about that makes her grin, too. "You know, it's funny. Leina said a really similar thing. I guess that's the easiest way to explain it -- No matter how hard I say, 'This isn't how it should be',"
And she's so... small for a moment. Pulling in on herself. "All I can see is the way it is. The suffering. I'm not scared of being hurt, Dr. Bidan. And I hate it, but I'm not scared of hurting other people, even though it makes me sick afterwards. I've been on the battlefield half my life. People get hurt there." There's an ache in her ribs, stretching all the way up to her shoulders. "It's the pain afterwards that's too much to bear. The way it spills out from the fight and kills families. Kills futures. Drags kids into it. Leina was ten when I met her and she might've died ten years old! Or been left with no brother, no home."
The smaller she gets, the more that cloud grows around her. Deep blue and blazing orange. "I tried to get away from it, do what I loved, and the machines I built burnt up under the weight of that ugly rainbow. I thought it might cover the whole Earth and finally put an end to things. So yeah, I get it. I get looking at the world and thinking, if it's all just gonna burn anyway, the least I can do is make it quick and quiet."
<Pose Tracker> Kamille Bidan has posed.
"...I know. I get it too. I just don't agree. I can't..."
Kamille crosses his arms over his chest, looking downward. "So many died because they still had hope for the world. That 'ugly rainbow' came about because Amuro Ray couldn't give up on Earth, even after all they'd done to him. I can't either, even though I grew up under their boot. Even though I know all too well what people will do to keep up a terrible status quo, as long as it benefits them." He's subdued, but there's anger there, long-dimmed but still burning embers.
"But you know, everyone wants to live. Even the body itself is like that. An autoimmune reaction is just the body mistakenly deciding that some part of itself is a threat. It's hurting itself but it's trying to survive. Hell, even an allergic reaction is just a mistaken survival instinct." He snorts. "My instructors would probably say I'm adding too much intention to instinct, but it has to mean something."
He sees that cloud around her, wishes he could just grab the orange part and toss it away. Free her from the uncaring universe and let her feel whatever she wants without the logical trap of, 'and therefore...'
But he said it himself. If talking it out was the answer, that'd be easy.
"You had more involvement with the Axis Shock than I did. I can't tell you how to feel about it, or miracles. I don't really know how I feel about it myself. I just wish Amuro could live a peaceful life. And you too."
<Pose Tracker> Ennil El has posed.
"A peaceful life, huh?" Her teeth tug at her bottom lip for a moment. "Why do I feel so bad about that idea? It's not like... there aren't people who want that for me."
You dummy. Still trying to punish yourself. You weren't that much older.
"Guess maybe that's the other half of it. Fighting to live... Feels selfish. Like I'm costing someone else their happiness just by being around." She sighs. "But you know, it's nice to hear it's not easy for guys like you, either. I don't trust people who tell me, hey, I know why it's like this, I know exactly how to fix it. I know a guy who couldn't shut up about things like that." There's a nasty, muddy streak of anger in that cloud, now. "And of course he was the only one with the answers. Which sounded real nice to a dumb kid in some post-war camp."
She pushes a hand through her hair, swirling her palm against her forehead like she's trying to push something out. "Sounded real good after Torrington, too. But somehow the answers always sound the same."
<Pose Tracker> Kamille Bidan has posed.
Kamille studies Ennil for a moment.
"So what if fighting to live is selfish? If so, everyone and everything that has ever lived is selfish. And I guess that does play into Triple Zero if you think about it one way, but for me, I'm okay with it. All of my friends who died deserve to live, and I'm sure they think that of me too." He doesn't realize he's speaking of them in the present tense, all these years later. "I'm sure it's the same for you. If Leina knows and cares for you, she wants you to live. Is it selfish to fulfill that wish?" He shrugs, not offering a direct answer himself.
"I'm with you on people who know all the answers. They're usually blowhards. There's no real one solution to anything, I think. Not a miracle, not a leader." And not Triple Zero, but he leaves that unsaid.
<Pose Tracker> Ennil El has posed.
Ennil El perks up, meets that studying gaze. Tries to endure it. She did tell this guy he could ask her whatever he wanted.
"Leina wants me to live... but she would've wanted Elpeo to live, too." The other hand comes up, too, both fists balled up against her brows. "Not that she'd blame me. If she heard me say something stupid like that, she'd yell at me again." There's a chuckle, but it's pretty grim. "I yelled at you for such stupid reasons because I guess... I thought being a Newtype meant you could make people happy. Not have so many awful wishes following you around you know you can never make up for." And she matches Kamille's eyes with a piercing look of her own. "But the way you reacted... You're pretty haunted too, huh, Dr. Bidan?"
<Pose Tracker> Kamille Bidan has posed.
Kamille blinks, then throws his head back and laughs. It's not a very happy laugh.
"Sorry...just. Newtypes could make people happy? I wish we could. I really do. I wish being like this meant I could solve problems instead of just feeling them." He frowns. "Ugh, that's sulky and whiny of me. Sorry. But no, it's no more a magical solution than anything else is, no matter what some fanatics say. No matter what 'miracles' people think are possible." And from the way he says the word, it's pretty clear he's a skeptic himself.
His moment of bitter irony dissolves under Ennil's stare, and he quiets.
"I mean, I have my...ghosts and all."
<Pose Tracker> Ennil El has posed.
Ennil actually joins in the laughter. It's not particularly happy for her either -- at first. But...
"Yeah, I could tell. So you can understand... trying to figure out whether what I want matters is so hard when I know others didn't even get the chance. That emptiness... It feels bottomless sometimes. So even people being kind scares me. But people keep telling me they think..." And as the laughter breaks, she has a wistful little smile. "That they'll fight to keep me around, even if they don't have to. They actually want to see... not just a peaceful world, but one with me in it. I'd say I'm just gonna make them miserable, but I think Leina might actually learn to curse if I said something like that."
She shrugs. "I don't know if this is gonna make things any easier for you, Triple Zero-wise -- but I didn't promise to have any answers. If you want stuff I can actually be concrete on, we can talk mobile suits or alcohol."
<Pose Tracker> Kamille Bidan has posed.
"Well, I can't tell you that. You're going to resist us purifying you at every angle by reflex either way," Kamille guesses. Again, the body has reflexes and defenses. So does the universe. "I'm glad you have friends like Leina, though. I think that'll help save you. Setting the universe aside, it's fine to want to save someone. Selfish or not."
He sighs. "I'm a teetotaler, so mobile suits it is. Thankfully I can go for hours on that topic. Like, did you know this model they're using has much faster movement than the real thing did? People think the Char Custom was the norm."
<Pose Tracker> Ennil El has posed.
"Honestly, that's probably for the best. Nothing personal, but I'm not giving you a card for my bar -- Leina'd twist your arm and I'd have an Evoluder busting down my bedroom door in a couple hours."
She chuckles. "Oh, trust me. Noticed right away. At least they shelled out for original-manufacturer components - though I'm pretty sure they got the elbows off a Zaku Tank. Same component, but you install them differently to make space for the Magella body, and you can see how it tore off even after the restoration..."