2022-09-11: The Earth and the Moon

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<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.

        In the depths of the night, all is quiet. Snacks have been consumed; movies have been watched; video games have been played; love talk has been made... mostly about Shinji and Yuta's loves, but Kaworu and Orpheus pitched in a bit when prompted. Teeth were brushed, faces were washed, night clothes were changed into... and now, for a while, teenage boys have slept in their sleeping bags.
        
        Except for one.
        
        Kaworu waits a decent while before he lifts his head. He gazes over at his companions--his friends--with a bittersweet smile lingering on his lips. Then, slowly, carefully, he slips out of his sleeping bag and creeps on bare feet out the front door, which he shuts noiselessly behind him. It's honestly unreasonable how silent he is. Barring waking up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom or out of a nightmare or something like that, it's unlikely his absence will be noted. That's what Kaworu's counting on, anyway.
        
        Tsutsujidai didn't use to have a moon in its sky. Now it has not only the Moon but the Earth, too. Kaworu leans folded arms on the safety railing for the outside hall in front of Yuta's front door and gazes up at the sky. On one side of the sky shines the white Moon; on the other glows the blue Earth, where the Black Moon rests. Kaworu breathes a soft huff of a laugh as he gazes at them and the stars that manage to sparkle around and between.
        
        There he stays for some time, a cool breeze occasionally stirring his black lace-up shirt and loose pants.

<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

An unfamiliar space, never totally at ease, but more at ease than he believed he would be. Love talk was unsettling, but also warm in its own way, leaving Shinji reflecting on what everyone had said. Everyone in this room has someone they care about. Someone they like. Someone they want happy. That's... important, isn't it?

With the lights completely out, the room is no longer one filled with the likeness of stars. Shinji tries to simply breathe and let sleep come to him. He might have rested. He might have been fooling even himself. But he opens his eyes, and notices one less presence in the room.

Shinji sits up, looking toward the bathroom, all the lights off. He waits a few moments, and when no Kaworu returns...

"...Kaworu?" Shinji's voice is barely a whisper as he slips open the front door. Unthinkingly, he's through it, shutting him behind him to avoid any noise or cold creeping after the others. He wishes the cool night air is something he thought about once he's on the other side, only in a loose t-shirt and baggy shorts. It's fine for now.

"Are you all right?"

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.

        The front door opens again, and though he doesn't need to, Kaworu looks behind him anyway. "Shinji," he murmurs, a hint of surprise in his voice. It's a welcome surprise, though, and though shadows mask much of his face, his smile is clear all the same.
        
        "Yes," he replies, turning his gaze back out towards the heavens. "I just wanted to look at the night sky."
        
        So he says--and he isn't lying--but ultimately it's something he chose to do alone, without mentioning it to anyone as an activity to do together, after the others had seemingly gone to sleep.
        
        "I'm sorry for disturbing you," he adds. A pause; then he adds, "...but if you'd like, would you care to join me?"
        
        Yes... it really is bittersweet. The last time, it had been Shinji to invite him to watch the stars. Now... His smile remains, and even grows a little at the edges, but there's something distant in his vermillion eyes.

<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

There is a sense Shinji should have let it be. But he hadn't known this is where Kaworu had gone, and the door was already open, and it was too late to pretend he was sleeping the whole time. But he wondered, genuinely: is Kaworu all right? Kaworu says he is. But there's a lot to Kaworu, Shinji's learning. Of course, there's a lot to most people. It's not like it's strange not to know everything.

Shinji ventures forward, palms hesitantly on the railing. "It wasn't anything like that. I just didn't see you, so..."

He trails off, assuming it's obvious he was concerned, but thinking saying it out loud makes it seem a bigger deal than it needs to be.

But as he looks up out at the stars, Shinji can't help but smile, already losing himself in the sight of the cosmos. "Is it really okay?" he asks, sparkle still in his eye as he drags himself away long enough to look to Kaworu for his answer. "I don't want to be a bother."

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.

        "I see," Kaworu says simply as Shinji explains. He doesn't immediately assume it was a matter of concern; it's something he reasons out, knowing Shinji as he does. His gaze softens with affection. "You're always thinking about others, aren't you? I admire that kindness in your heart that asserts itself even as its fragility leaves it vulnerable to breaking."
        
        As Shinji looks up, wonder suffusing his expression, Kaworu looks back over at him. Shinji thus sees for himself that affection still in his smile when he looks back. "It really is," he reassures him. "Stargazing is good, but stargazing with a friend is far better."
        
        It doesn't answer the unspoken question of why he came out on his own, if so. Yet there's no sense that Kaworu's lying about it. The lines of his shoulders and back are more relaxed, and his expression is more at ease, too.
        
        "It's quite a different sight from here, isn't it?" Kaworu goes on all the same. "To see the Earth and the Moon at the same time truly is a marvel."

<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

Shinji stares back at Kaworu with pink in his cheeks, which is hardly a rare thing anymore. Kaworu, at once unusually frank, yet poetic. It's so typically Kaworu that Shinji believes eventually he'll have to stop being caught off guard. "I -- I don't know about that."

He doesn't, really. He's a pretty selfish person... If Shinji could protect his heart from breaking at all, he would.

"I've always found it relaxing," Shinji admits of the stars. "So... It's good, if you have trouble sleeping." He glances at Kaworu hesitantly, toying with the idea of simply asking what's on his mind.

"...Mm." He looks back up. "The Earth seems small from here, doesn't it? And we're so much smaller..." What might be a harrowing realization of the vastness of the infinite and one's insignificant place within it puts another quiet smile on Shinji's face.

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.

        "You will," Kaworu tells him with a certainty that might seem to border on faith. How could he know such a thing? Yet to see him look at him, it's like he's stating a fact rather than giving encouragement.
        
        After holding his gaze for a heartbeat or few, though, Kaworu looks back up to the stars. "It certainly is relaxing." Sleep aids aren't a concern for him, though, so despite it being a question that would seem to be better pointed at himself, he wonders, "Were you having trouble sleeping?"
        
        The Earth glows blue, and the Moon shines white. High above them, they're larger than they would be from either, but still yet so far away. From here, it seems as though they could simply reach up and grab them. "It does," he agrees. "When you're there upon it, it's so vast, of such great importance that it could consume those who stand upon it. Yet from a distance, it's barely more than a trifle of little gravity. Even though all that's changed is one's own perspective..."
        
        For a moment, he falls silent. There's something ambiguous about his expression, made even more difficult to decipher in the low light. It doesn't change when he at last looks over at Shinji to regard him instead, standing up to leave one hand on the rail and one to dangle at his side. A familiar metal wristwatch gleams on his wrist resting near the rail. It takes him another moment to speak, though.
        
        "...Say, Shinji," he murmurs at last, voice as soft as the lights of space. "Did you know that the Moon is in love with the Earth?" 

<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

If Shinji didn't know better, he would think Kaworu had evolved to speaking in dark prophecies. Maybe 'dark' isn't the right word. Kaworu seems to think Shinji's a better person than he is. Kaworu seems to think the whole world is better than it is, and with such certainty it rarely leaves room for argument. It's part of what makes him easy to be around. So Shinji keeps his lingering doubt to himself -- though rarely wholly off of his face, especially with the length Kaworu's gaze holds.

"I was," Shinji admits of sleeping difficulty, at ease under the stars. His grip on the railing tightens. "...How about you? Is that why you came out here?" A simple, quiet opening to take if there ever was one.

Shinji pries one hand from the railing, lifting his hand to measure out the Earth between his fingers from here, smiling in his own amusement. His smile softens to a stranger docility. "...The things we do matter so little to the stars."

If only he knew how to carry the sentiment with him after the light of day hides the stars. The sun rises, and everything matters so, so much. Inescapably so.

He lets his hand fall back down, and his gaze reflexively follows Kaworu's motions, eye catching the watch. Shinji quickly diverts his attention back to Kaworu's face, as if it would be shameful to be caught noticing.

"...In love?" He glances to the sky and back, lip barely quirked in a hesitant smile. Kaworu's about to get into poetics again, isn't he...? Hopefully Shinji can keep up. "What makes you say that?"

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.

        Is there such thing as a light prophecy? One might believe it, looking at and listening to Kaworu. It's fine to him that Shinji may not agree. He knows well it's so hard sometimes to see the good in oneself--that sometimes you need someone else to have faith in it before it reveals itself to you.
        
%"Something like that," he says, and then, "Yes. I couldn't sleep." (It's not a lie.) His smile deepens, amusement on his breath as Shinji speaks of existential dread like it's a source of comfort. It really is so like him. "Because it doesn't matter, we're free to simply be as we are," he agrees aloud.
        
        But he looks to him and turns to him and looks away from the present he'd once given him to ask a question. Kaworu doesn't respond at first; he simply gazes at Shinji with renewed fondness. Akane had reasoned out an answer. Rei had simply stated yes. Shinji's the one who asks him how he feels.
        
        "Because it's always looking at the Earth," he replies at last. "No matter where or when, it's always facing it, whether the Earth faces back or not. The Earth may need the Moon... but without the Earth, the Moon is nothing."
        
        His brows soften, the edges curving up a hair. Then he looks up at the two celestial bodies. "It's inevitable that the Moon would fall in love, though. The Earth is so lush--so vibrant and full of all sorts of different life. The Moon is pure... but it's also sterile and empty. Nothing more than a world of dust. If the Earth loves another, perhaps that, too, is inevitable?"

<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

So Kaworu couldn't sleep, either... Shinji's face flashes with concern, but he lets it pass. If Kaworu wants to keep quiet, the way he had kept quiet about the feelings he'd been holding, then Shinji doesn't want to pry. He wouldn't want his own innermost thoughts dragged out and put on display. And... Kaworu's always honest with him, when he needs to be. Even when it hurts. So maybe Kaworu needs this.

Guilt gnaws at his edges with how badly he wants to know about all of that. That's hardly fair of him.

"It would be nice to just be," Shinji says, gaze engulfed by the stars again, like this is an entirely possible idea in the daylight.

But a love story between the Earth and the Moon, Shinji listens curiously to the idea. An endearing flight of fancy, isn't it? That a planet and its moon are in love. But Shinji frowns, sensing a deeper meaning with the realization: the Moon is in love with the Earth in Kaworu's world, but the Earth does not love the Moon back.

...It's a sad story. Shinji's eyes drop from the sky.

"But isn't the Moon part of what makes the Earth beautiful?" Ah, no, wait, that... probably doesn't work in this metaphor, does it? ...Or could it? Shinji's fingers curl against the railing again, nails unconsciously threatening to peel chipped paint as he steels his words. "There's a lot of reasons the Earth would love the Moon. You said it yourself... it's always there. Even on new moons, when we can't see it. And the Moon affects Earth's gravity, doesn't it? The tides, and... its axis, I think. It always feels the Moon's presence. The sea and the night wouldn't be the same without it." That evening in the ocean wouldn't have been the same without it.

Shinji manages to make himself look back at Kaworu. "I think the Earth would be very lonely without the Moon. Why would it want to look for love somewhere else if the Moon is right there...?"

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.

        So many things go unspoken, all the time. It's not reasonable that others will know how you feel if you don't tell them, but Kaworu doesn't want to burden him--no. He doesn't want to be rejected. He's taken bold moves with Shinji before. He knows how those end. This close distance where they revolve around each other is enough for him.
        
        It's always so much easier to watch from a distance. But being up close always means so much more.
        
        "It would," Kaworu agrees quietly. Not needing to do anything... not needing to hurt anyone... allowed simply to exist. The urge to lean on Shinji seizes him. He gently fends it off and rubs the band of his wristwatch instead.
        
        "True. Those of Earth have long gazed up at the Moon in wonder and awe," Kaworu concedes. But that's not quite what Shinji is saying, nor was it what he was saying either. When Shinji presses that the Earth could, even should love the Moon back, Kaworu looks over at him, lips slightly parted.
        
        And then he smiles. It's broad and tender and wholly sincere. But somehow, he looks like he's about to cry.
        
        He doesn't. Kaworu is not one easily moved to tears. "I don't know," he murmurs. "Perhaps it's because it's so far away. Each year, the Moon moves approximately a centimeter further from the Earth. In time, its orbit will stabilize and it will move no further." He lifts his gaze. "But the Earth and the Moon were once much closer than this."
        
        A sad story. It would be easy to just ask. And at the same time, it's more difficult than defeating any Angel. Isn't it?
        
        "You're right, though," he concedes all the same, smiling at him again. "Even if the distance between them grows, they're still always together. That should be enough. Don't you think so, Shinji?"
        
        Do you think so, Shinji?

<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

Kaworu agrees. Kaworu understands. It's becoming the single most worrying thing about Kaworu: everything Shinji feels alone with, Kaworu seems to know, too. Shinji might've once thought that idea would be comforting. It isn't. Because unlike Shinji, Kaworu doesn't deserve any of it.

For a moment, the cool night air seems to give way for a threatening warmth. It passes. Shinji wishes he'd worn long pants, at least. But the conversation's gravity makes him able to ignore it.

He watches Kaworu, hoping he might glean some more meaning from this. But all he sees on Kaworu's face is something that punctures him. Shinji's words are wrong. He doesn't know how, exactly, only that this conversation is deeply important to Kaworu. His way of talking about something he can't talk about.

They were once closer. Drifting apart. Who made Kaworu look like this...?

Shinji's stunned by the question, at once fighting with what this means to Kaworu -- what it really means -- and pinned by the question posed to him. Is that enough?

"... I don't know," he whispers. Then, steels himself for the real confession: "No. I don't think I understand love at all. It's... about wanting someone else to be happy, right? But this sounds like the Earth and the Moon both end up sad..." If the love is right there, then the Earth is a very stupid rock.

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.

        Doesn't he? Shinji thought of himself as a selfish person, but Kaworu is selfish, too. He can't help but want to be closer to Shinji, regardless of how Shinji himself feels.
        
        That's why he ended the world once. To test how far his feelings truly went.
        
        And now, here they are. Close, yet so far apart. But isn't it enough to at least be as close as they are? As Shinji watches his face, Kaworu too watches his. When Shinji admits he doesn't understand love, Kaworu's smile fades. He doesn't frown; he's not upset; but the way he speaks...
        
        He huffs a brief laugh and ducks his head. "It's funny," he admits. "It took me a long time to understand love myself. Even now, perhaps I only think I understand. Feelings are so difficult to decipher." His chin lifts as he gazes again at the Moon and the EArth, facing each other in the sky. "All I know is that that their gravity is inescapable. Nor do I want to escape it, even now."
        
        He turns and leans backwards on the fence, his arms hooked on the railing. "What about you? You say you don't understand, but you have precious feelings of your own, don't you?" He laughs a little. "Though the Second is a rather fearsome beast, so I can't fault your trepidation in facing them."
        
        A pause then. He leans his head back, staring now at the underhang. It won't change anything. He knows he won't understand. Even so: "...May I ask what it is about her you like so much?"

<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

Kaworu laughs and Shinji startles, wondering if he's said something terribly wrong. It's too easy getting tangled in the story of it. The Earth and the Moon... but Kaworu isn't talking about that. Or, well, it is Kaworu. He is, but he also isn't. The Earth and the Moon may have as much of a story going on in Kaworu's reality as Kaworu and the person his heart aches for.

The way Kaworu speaks about it makes it sound like this has been going on for a while. A childhood friend from the moon...? Any curiosity Shinji had has turned to bitterness. Even knowing how unfair the feeling is, he's not sure he likes this person very much.

(Shinji, in fact, loathes this individual for entirely unrelated reasons.)

He frowns, thoughtful. No, he supposed if he felt that deeply for someone, he would never want to let it go. Shinji likes Asuka, he's pretty sure, but it's not like the way Kaworu talks about the Moon and the Earth. Shinji's face heats up brightly as Kaworu comes back around to the subject, though.

What Shinji likes about Asuka...

Shinji lets himself lean over the railing, resting on his forearms and taking refuge back into the sky. Shinji could go into that Asuka is pretty. That he likes the way it feels when she gets a little closer, or crawls in bed next to him, and the night's less empty and alone. But he also thinks if Asuka ever found out he mentioned that -- that he remembered that -- she would jump kick him to the lonely Moon.

"...Asuka is... she's bold. And strong. ...Fearless." There's hope pinned on that last word. But Shinji frowns instead of smiling. "She's everything I'm not." He sighs and leans his head against his arm. It's a little warmer than standing up straight in the night air. "I'm just... average. I don't know if I could make her happy. I don't know that Asuka needs anyone to make her happy. Or at all. But..."

But what, exactly? Shinji trails off, struggling to articulate himself. "...It might be nice, if I could."

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.

        In the end, it was a sad story, after all. But it's only sad for Kaworu, really. The Earth has someone else to love, and that's good enough. It would be distressing to hear that Shinji doesn't like this person he's indirectly describing much, but at the same time, it's true and he knows it: Shinji never has liked that person.
        
        But he does turn the subject away from the Moon's one-sided love back to Shinji's budding romance. Kaworu's gaze remains upwards on the overhang, but he listens as Shinji speaks. Bold, and strong, and fearless--everything he's not. In other words, he likes someone who is unlike him. The edges of Kaworu's lips twitch up in irony. If that's the case, then it's no wonder. (So that's why the Earth would look elsewhere. Better the molten core that erupts from within its own heart than the cold gray dustball hanging afar. Yes, it makes sense after all.)
        
        "I don't know if happiness has the same meaning to her as it does you or I." He gazes over at Shinji. "But as for you, you aren't average. Your soul shines with a wondrous light all your own." It draws him back again and again. If he hadn't written their names together in the Book of Life, perhaps they would have met again and again anyway.
        
        "There are many things in life that are not necessary. Yet without them, life would be very empty indeed. You can make hers better simply by being in it... and even more by chasing after her. It..."
        
        He pauses. There's a stillness to him for a beat, save for the thinning of his lips.
        
        "It's a pleasant feeling, being chased. It makes you feel valued," he concludes softly, thinking of a long drop and the door to Terminal Dogma. "Were I in her position, I would want to be shown that I am worth being pursued." He runs a hand through his hair and chuckles. "...Though I admit, that's only how I feel. I can't say I understand her well enough to say for sure she'd agree." He lowers his hand, layering it over his other arm as he half-turns to face Shinji. Spacelight glints on his wrist. "But I am certain she's open to your efforts. I think you know that, too. We already talked about how her spines don't pierce quite so deeply of late, didn't we?"

<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

Shinji barely lifts his head up as Kaworu says he's not average, the way Asuka had insisted. His face is pink, and maybe it's the chill. He buries the lower half of his face back down in his arms to hide himself. Shinji wonders, not for the first time, the strange way Kaworu must be able to see the world and the people in it.

(The Earth is a very, very stupid rock.)

Shinji glances down again. "...I guess everything loves differently," he finally says, in all their musing. Maybe that's why this is so confusing. How does Shinji love...? Isn't that what this is all about? Shouldn't he know? Is his worth enough to make someone feel valued if he pursues with it? Love that's unnecessary... It sounds like it should be right, but it also sounds like it hurts.

It would be selfish to need love, and to want love to be needed.

...Shinji's a disgustingly selfish person.

"I still don't know, but... Maybe you're right." He reflects on his moments with Asuka. Pursuing... that does sound like something Asuka would want. She may have been trying to provoke it, if he doesn't second guess every experience he has with her. For that, Shinji has to be fearless and strong and bold and all the things he's not. He gives a self-deprecating smile. "I'll try to be less Baka Shinji."

But even Asuka's been saying that less.

He lifts himself up again, looking at Kaworu a long moment in his hesitation. In the end, when he finally speaks, his eyes are away and his voice is quieter. There's a weight in his chest he doesn't like. Probably the fear he won't make any sense. Kaworu, wanting to feel worth pursuit. To be chased, all while someone doesn't see him...

"...I hope the Earth stops turning away from the Moon."

He feels stupid for twisting the metaphor out of shape. It would be a problem for the people of Earth if the Earth's orbit and rotation shifted for the Moon in turn, but as people, and not as celestial bodies, isn't that what love should be...? At least a little... He'd like Kaworu to have something like that, if Kaworu would have it.

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.

        Do people get pink from the chill? Well, they do start to rub themselves, and as Shinji starts trying to duck in on himself, not for the first time, Kaworu remembers that temperature is a concern for Lilim. The Earth might be a stupid rock, but the Moon has its struggles too.
        
        "Hmm. Yes, you're right. Lilim are individuals. That's their strength, even as it can bring them pain. It makes sense that their love is individual, too," Kaworu muses. His smile returns along Shinji's, however self-deprecating it might be. "I think it's all right to be 'Baka Shinji,' as long as you're Shinji. I like your foolish side."
        
        ...Then again, this is about what Asuka likes, rather than what Kaworu likes, isn't it? Isn't that contradiction also selfish? ...Perhaps it's definitionally impossible to be an individual and not be selfish. But that's not what this conversation is about, either.
        
        As Shinji gazes upon him, Kaworu falls silent too, content to observe and be observed. It, too, is pleasant. What Shinji says, though... Kaworu takes in a little breath--wholly unnecessary, and yet he does it anyway. It's just a little thing that makes him feel more human. Like he's more like Shinji.
        
        "Thank you. You're a good friend, Shinji," he says with a soft smile. "I want to be a good friend to you, too. So if you need any more help on this, or on anything else... Please, don't hesitate to ask."
        
        It's a twisting of the metaphor, and a total failure to understand its meaning, but neither of those things matter to him. The reminder that Shinji cares enough to wish for his happiness is enough.
        
        "For now, though--you seem cold. Let's head back inside," he suggests, taking a step towards the door. "I know I'll rest better now that I've talked to you."

<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

Lilim again, and Shinji worries. Does the use of the term mean Kaworu is feeling lonelier, or does something else inspire it? Shinji should be paying more attention.

Shinji's pink goes red with Kaworu's acceptance of his Baka tendencies. If only Asuka thought the same, then this wouldn't be so difficult, would it? It's not even the first time Kaworu's said something like this...

But being called a good friend has Shinji's face lighting up genuinely back at Kaworu, relief in his warmth. "Ah... You are, Kaworu. But. Thank you."

It feels it may be cruel to ask Kaworu given his situation. ...Maybe it's Kaworu's way of getting to talk about it too, though? Or is that Shinji's own wishful thinking? It's a terrible thing to use this situation to learn more, and yet...

"Oh, but I'm fine," Shinji insists with no conviction. When he straightens up and pushes off the railing, he has his arms around himself automatically, pausing, and then dropping his arms to his side. He clears his throat and makes after Kaworu to get back inside.

Once back in the starless dark, Shinji snuggles warmly into his sleeping bag. The comfort and the fatigue threaten to steal him away almost immediately, but before he can, his quiet, sleepy voice murmurs to the sleeping bag next to his.

"Good night, Kaworu."

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.

        If only Asuka thought the same indeed. But she and Kaworu have always been very different people. That's not a bad thing. But, in Kaworu's opinion, it's not really a good thing, either.
        
        Still, as long as he can brighten Shinji's beautiful face like that, he's satisfied. He smiles warmly back, eyes softening. He's a good friend too... Yes. He's satisfied with that.
        
        He doesn't argue with Shinji when he claims to be fine, but he does hold the door for him as they head back inside. Shinji seems much readier to sleep now, and Kaworu slips into his own sleeping bag next to him. As Shinji shuts his eyes and mumbles a few words, Kaworu folds an arm under his head and watches his friend from next to him. He can tell that Orpheus's sleeping bag is empty, but right now, that's of little concern to him.
        
        If he could have just one wish granted, then...
        
        "Good night, Shinji," he softly, affectionately responds, and lets his eyes shut.

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