2022-08-24: Seeking Help
- Log: Seeking Help
- Cast: Leina Ashta, Athrusa Hsieh
- Where: AEU Safehouse
- OOC - IC Date: 24th August 2022
- Summary: Athrusa reaches out for help, and Leina responds.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
It started out on accident. A radio transmission overheard on her ride home from Tsutsujidai. She wasn't taking a civilian transport after all. It was all encoded of course. Names that were meaningless to her. Locations that were coded.
There was a specific thread of discussion though that sounded positively existential though, in a way that resonated with her. Experts would need to be called in - but that would take a little time to get ready.
Eventually though, she asked a question...
... and that question led to her being driven to a safehouse earthside after landing. The blindfold wasn't strictly necessary, but she requested it. It's only once she's led inside, by a hand that she didn't actually need for guidance, that she removed it.
"Alright." She smiles as a small device is handed over to her, "I don't think I'll need that." Before an objection was even voiced, she interrupts the thought before it even leaves their lips, "But if it'll give peace of mind." She slips it into her pocket, "Just let me know when our time is up."
Leina's dress is actually excessively casual, she's got on a pair of denim shorts, worn out running shoes, a faded Magical Girl Wonderful Persimmon T-Shirt, and a beaded barrette on the left side of her curly brown hair. With a knock at the door, she asks, "Hello, my name is Leina Ashta. I heard that you need help."
There's a distinct pause, before she asks, "May I come in?"
<Pose Tracker> Athrusa Hsieh has posed.
Athrusa experienced a crisis at X Point that she wouldn't soon forget; it normally would've been bad enough that she would've taken herself off the roster for her duties, but... some things can't wait, so she poured herself into what remaining surgeries she still had to do before taking leave from that point on.
The safehouse itself is a fairly nondistinct townhouse in the midst of a town in France, well-suited to the role of not standing out; there's a glimpse of someone moving by the curtains, and then silence as she listens to Leina's introduction.
Two seconds pass.
Athrusa then opens the door; she's still... wearing her usual getup -- a white lab coat, with a somewhat strange white form-fitting suit underneath, which just makes her pale white skin and stark white hair and grey eyes stand out more -- she's just that colourless of a person.
She is a beautiful person; however, her appearance borders on that of... the uncanny, as if she were a little doll-like.
"Yes. Thank you. I was not aware..." A longer pause. "I was not certain how to request help. Thank you."
Her voice is clipped and monotonous, barely above sotto voce: she moves towards the living room, where she's got a pile of documents laid out, and begins organising them.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Leina smiles at her as she appears, though internally there's a touch of wonder, at the appearance combined with how she feels psychically. She decides to table that for now. Speculation can always wait. "You're welcome. It's hard even for people who are experienced at asking."
Leina steps inside, and closes the door behind her, locking it behind. As she follows her to the safehouse. "I've been told only a little. They gave me your first name-"
An unusual name, that somehow lines up with the name of the protagonist of a one cour Magical Girl anime she watched and didn't leave a strong impression on her?
... She's definitely not leading off with that.
"-and a vague summary of why you need help. But I don't want to hear it from anyone else."
Leina follows her into the living room, she doesn't take a seat yet. Nor does she look at the documents she's organizing, she just tries to catch her eyes. "I'd like to hear it from you, in your own words."
Leina doesn't have her walls up, her presence is, soothing - warm to say the least to those who can feel her. There are other emotions certainly, on the horizon, deep within that sea that feels part metaphor for the infinite span of the stars.
Athrusa with her guard up, may find it difficult to feel that, but it's there - as if ready and waiting for her. She's just so...
... open.
<Pose Tracker> Athrusa Hsieh has posed.
Athrusa's psychic profile can be described as 'a little unusual', perhaps... like her waves are just a little *too* orderly, a little too... neat. But the anxiety and distress she radiates from within is no less real, with her walls up at present, but...
Leina also senses that she doesn't seem to... primarily operate on that level, and doesn't quite pick up on Leina's warmth and openness immediately. Not in the way Newtypes and other psychics do.
"... ..."
Leina asks her why she needs help. From her, in her own words. It feels a little... intimidating, but she doesn't really understand why.
"... I ..."
She grips her hands for a moment, shuffling through her documents, putting them away in a manila envelope.
"I should start from the beginning. I suffer from severe retrograde amnesia, and do not recall much about myself before I escaped from a laboratory in REA and fell into Shuffles custody. In exchange for protection, I provide them with my services as a medical professional and surgeon."
She speaks in an incredibly clinical tone, never really betraying her emotions; or perhaps there's just something detached between her feelings and her capacity to emote. It's not cold or aloof, per se; it's just... flat.
"I know that I am wanted back by multiple organisations... and recently, after a skirmish with Celestial Being, I realised ..."
Her gray eyes flit to one side.
"I... may not be human?" Just a bit of trembling in her voice, for once. "... I can offer no proof, yet this is something I suspect and fear within me. But when I expressed a wish to be my... own self, to make my own choices..."
A longer pause.
"It was as if... the world was angry at me for choosing that."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
She can feel the quaver in her voice. She didn't know how to request help, and thus asking her to do this is intimidating certainly. Part of her regrets it, but if she's going to get anywhere, she feels she can't rely on the assessments of others.
And then she listens to her, from the beginning. Severe retrograde amnesia. How like another boy from recently...
... a medical professional and a surgeon...
Her tone is clinical, precise. As doll like as her appearance. She is beautiful, lovely, but she's also anxious. Because as doll like as she looks, as doll like as she sounds, as doll like as she's afraid she might be...
... she is anything but a doll.
Sympathy flecks her eyes as she expresses she may not be human. No proof, other than the feeling the world is angry at her for merely desiring individuality, and the freedom towards it.
There's a deep sorrow within her, that surfaces upon this subject.
Leina takes a step closer to her. Then another. There's so much to unpack there. So much to discuss. There's a pregnant pause...
"... first off, before anything else, Athrusa, would you like a hug?"
Leina asks gently, and she realizes there may be anxiety in the accepting, or even acknowledging that, so she qualifies it, "I may be someone you only just met, but you sound like you could use one. Desperately. And I'm the only one here right now."
Her tone is measured, calm, "I promise, I won't be offended if you don't, or would prefer not. I just feel like, talking about everything you just said can wait until I know that."
<Pose Tracker> Athrusa Hsieh has posed.
Leina takes a step closer, then another... Athrusa regards her with the thin (yet false) veneer of calm on her face, as that slight quavering disappears as if a momentary ripple upon the surface of her emotional lake.
Leina offers a hug.
"I..." Athrusa pauses, then immediately reflects to the hug she gave Yuliana in that karaoke booth. An action that still confuses her, and yet something inside of her decided that was the right action at the time.
"I believe I understand... a little... of the emotional release brought upon by physical contact, in this case the 'hug'."
She quietly nods, then, after a few seconds' worth of decision.
"... yes, please."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Leina waits. And lets her weigh it, measure it, she understands that she's not actually calm in this moment. The way she responds to it, it is still so clinical. However, perhaps it is because she can feel that anxiety, she understands it's anything but...
... they are the words of someone taking their first few steps out into a frightening and uncertain world...
Leina just waits, until she says, 'yes, please'. Then slowly she steps forward, and put her arms around her. It's tight, but not smothering. She steps onto her tip toes, as one rests upon her shoulderblades, the other closer to her lower back.
"You've done so well." She says quietly, those words almost a sotto voce themselves, but at this distance, it's easy to hear her. "So well. I know it's hard to think of anything other than that anger you felt. That feeling that you might not be what you thought you were."
A pause.
"But even if the world made you doubt 'what' you are - you're still you. And you took your first steps towards being your own person, and living your own life."
Leina says person, because she doesn't care what the world says. The world is a hell they must all live upon. The world is cruel. If she can do nothing else, she can defy the world on her behalf.
"Don't let anyone have that power over you. Because you're still you, and you've done so well coming here, and being who you are right here - right now."
<Pose Tracker> Athrusa Hsieh has posed.
Leina comes in for the hug. Athrusa's scent is... ... well, it's the scent of disinfectant and the kind of low-scent soaps used in surgical situations, mixed with other kinds of scents from her profession. Very little to call her own, at that moment, but... that's a different kind of 'her' as well.
"... I do not know I felt anger," Athrusa admits. "Extreme confusion, yes, yet..."
A pause.
Leina reinforces that she is still her -- she took her first steps to being her own person, living her own life...
"I still do not know if I... have that kind of... personhood," Athrusa admits. "From even before I lost my memories, I have been guided by..." She hesitates, and then explains, "Let us call them imperatives or directives. There are two."
A pause, and she further explains, "The first is to save lives. The second to reduce suffering. My work as a medical professional fits these, and by all modern moral perspectives these are fine rules that few would object to..."
Athrusa lowers her head.
"... many sources of fiction and non-fiction often tout characters that follow these moral codes very 'human', to have high 'humanity', I find so far. Yet I find my inability to disobey them..."
The white-haired doctor lowers her head further. "... it does not make me feel... more human."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Leina slides back onto her heels, her hug loosening just subtly, as she listens to her. Nodding as she listens to her... imperatives, directives.
She does not let go, not quite yet. It's a very common sentiment, that medical professionals are worthy of praise for abiding by a code, an oath. That they are more moral, and human.
"How does it make you feel when you disobey them? Do you feel bad? Guilty?" She steps backwards, as she asks her, trying to clarify that feeling, "Did you have difficulty feeling human before leaving? Or did you just accept that you were, but felt you were simply different than most humans?"
If it's none of those options, then she listens to which one...
"I want to hear more about your experiences, about you, but... a thought experiment for you. It might help guide you some, when it comes to how to assess your humanity by these directives. It's several questions at once... it might be best to wait until you hear them all to answer if you want to. And you don't have to either."
Leina steps back from her, though she stays relatively close. "Eight years ago, I knew a girl. She was put in machines, and these machines instilled conditioning within her. Directives placed into her by a man in power to become his weapon. Did having this conditioning - these directives, make her less human?"
A pause.
"This girl broke free of her conditioning. And became her own person. Is this praiseworthy only because her conditioning was forcing her to take lives, and to cause suffering?"
Another short pause.
"This girl, before she left, was cloned. These clones were artificially created in a lab, in a way different from any other human. They were conditioned as well to become this man's weapon. One broke free. Another is still bound in part by that conditioning to this day. Are they less human than the first girl because they were created differently than other humans? Less worthy of humanity?"
Leina pauses the questions all at once, then says to her, "I'm not asking you all of this because I'm intending to bombard you with difficult questions. You're facing a situation unique to yourself, I'm just trying to offer you perspective... sometimes its difficult to evaluate your own situation without getting out of your own head for a while."
<Pose Tracker> Athrusa Hsieh has posed.
"I... cannot disobey them," Athrusa admits. "It is difficult to explain, but attempting to disobey them feels as unnatural as if..." She pauses to think. "As if you were to hold your breath or not blink, perhaps. To cease a state you were meant to be in. And, of course, I cannot succeed in that imperative every time, but..."
A longer pause. "It does not feel as if I am punished for failing in the attempt, merely... if I do not attempt it at all."
Did she have difficulty feeling human before leaving?
"To be honest... I have such little recollection of my time before leaving that I cannot answer that question. I knew it was a very hostile place, however, and that I took the chance to escape the moment I found it."
Leina tells her she has a thought experiment, and Athrusa nods and sits a bit more tightly.
Eight years ago, there was a girl who was put in machines... machines that instilled conditioning within her. Directives placed into her...
Is breaking her conditioning only praiseworthy because the conditioning was forcing her to take lives? Then Leina continues, and explains that this girl was cloned...
Athrusa's eyes narrow for a moment, and her consciousness starts to waver--
She's there again. A sterile laboratory composed of matte white panes of metal; flat screens course through data at an astounding rate, light coursing through cables and eventually settling upon a vaguely eye-shaped capsule resting upon the back of the room.
A pale, white-haired person rests within, suspended in the pale green liquid of the capsule.
"Innovade pattern-type 0373, registration number 09773-SA271..."
The person's eyes open.
"... Hsieh Baihe."
She's back in reality, and she doesn't look aware of how much of the story she's missed; she's trying to rally, and grasp the question in full; she kind of fails, because thinking about the conditioned girl...
... is making her think of Yuliana again.
"... she called me a traitor... traitors cannot leave so easily," Athrusa ends up answering. A pause. "I... apologise. That was... not the answer to the thought experiment."
Hesitation. "I... wonder why we crave this quality that is labelled 'humanity' when it was a human that made those girls that way. Perhaps that is a strange ponderance. But no... the answer would be no. But do I even wish I were human? Or was I only created with the craving to become human, by human creators?"
She definitely looks stuck in her own head still.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Leina allows herself to have a seat finally, taking one nearby her. She doesn't interrupt her as she says she cannot disobey them, that it is similar to something natural to a physical instinct. A reflex, voluntary only to the point where it's involuntary.
Her hands fold into her lap, she doesn't take notes even if ordinarily she would.
It was a hostile place, but she escaped it.
As she speaks of a girl who was cloned, Leina's voice hitches... for half a second. Because an expanse within Athrusa's memory contracts, leaking out into hers. It's surprising perhaps, given how closed off she'd been. However, she doesn't say anything of it, yet. She just notes how distant Athrusa looks.
Her answer to the thought experiment is one that causes Leina's green eyes to grow sad again. Because, it's a question she's pondered many times herself, after seeing the intentions of so many people like Glemy Toto. Was Glemy human though? Perhaps too human. And that's what's so heartbreaking about it to her.
"It's fine. Really. You feel what you feel, from moment to moment. I'm not here to have my questions answered. I'm here to help you."
She gives the subject a sort of weighty thought, "We crave humanity I feel because all of us are lonely creatures. Even those of us who have no reason to feel lonely at all - still do from time to time. The quality of humanity, it makes us feel less alone - because it is something we have in common with everyone else. Good people. Terrible people. We are all human, independent of the judgment of our own morality. What makes us human can change - evolve. However, in the end we crave that quality to assuage that loneliness we feel."
After a moment, Leina decides to take a different thread of discussion, rather than immediately following up on that shocking - yet perhaps sadly in Leina's case, not so shocking, flash of insight, "The one who called you a traitor. Who was she to you? Does it hurt you, to know she felt you were a traitor?" There's a pause, "Do you feel lonelier, now that she's no longer near?"
<Pose Tracker> Athrusa Hsieh has posed.
Leina offers insight about what it means to be human -- and how the defining factor isn't one of morality, or anything of the sort that Athrusa herself had started to dig up in various works... but one of loneliness.
She looks to be in thought about this -- then quietly, as Leina follows up on the topic of she who called her a traitor...
"She is... Verdiska, someone who is chasing me and trying to return me to..." A pause. "To say my captors would be wrong, but it is not incorrect either. I know that in some manner, Celestial Being created me."
A pause. "I was... her doctor. It seems that I was involved in the laboratory in the REA, before I was then... perhaps I was discovered, the details are not known to me. But it seems I left a positive impression upon her, and..."
A deeper frown from Athrusa. "She has asked why I left her. And..."
It doesn't take very long at all for Athrusa to come to the conclusion: "It does hurt. It does hurt, knowing I cannot help her because to return would be the end of everything that Athrusa ever was and will be. The end of my own identity."
And on that last topic...
"... Loneliness. If this strange, heavy feeling in my chest is loneliness, perhaps that is the case."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"Celestial Being." Leina repeats the word. It's almost like a sigh.
While some part of her exults at the idea of people acting as peacekeepers... at the same time, she understands waging war on war, is offering violence violence. And that that doesn't combat the status quo of the Federation, it upholds it. It offers a scapegoat for its dysfunction. And people remain collateral, despite any efforts to minimize it.
However, she focuses mostly on Verdiska. It's not a name she knows, but Athrusa was her Doctor. And... it does hurt, to be called a traitor.
However, to return would be the end of her identity. The end of Athrusa.
"By how you describe that feeling, it must be. To strive for your own place in the world, your own identity - to not want it to be taken away. That's very human."
Leina gives her a sympathetic look, the sorrow in her eyes deep, "I wish it didn't have to be this way, but it's not your responsibility to sacrifice yourself to her desire to keep you close to her. You made a decision to value your identity, and she should support that - because she cares about you. However, to feel lonely because she's no longer with you? Whether she did the right thing or not? Whether you did the right thing or not? That's very human."
A distinct pause, as she closes her eyes, then...
... slowly she opens them, "The name Athrusa. It's not a common name. I've only heard it once, from an anime I watched, called Sparkling Witch Athrusa." Hsieh Baihe "Did you choose that name for yourself?"
<Pose Tracker> Athrusa Hsieh has posed.
Athrusa has a very unusual perspective into Celestial Being, because what was posited towards the world is almost... she almost doesn't think about it. Perhaps in the way a lifetime employee doesn't think of the company ads that play towards the world?
"I possess sensitive knowledge that Celestial Being would do anything to suppress, even if only in snippets and without broader context," Athrusa admits. "Yet... it feels as if even now, I am trying to protect it. Not its stated ideal, but... something within it... that it still feels like something like a 'home' for me."
It's as if she treats Celestial Being as more than an organisation.
Athrusa quietly nods as Leina says what she feels is very human, though...
"... I know. I cannot fulfill what she wishes of me, because to do so would be to destroy myself. And she does have someone else who looks after her... I think." She pauses. Why does she feel uneasy about that still, though?
But the topic suddenly changes.
Athrusa stares towards Leina with a very straight-upon face as she says, "I chose the name from the character in the anime, yes. I still recall that choosing the name as my own was... the very first time I chose something for myself."
"'I was sent here to help humans. That is my purpose.'"
She quotes the character from the show. "... ... perhaps I resonated with her, in some way I did not yet realise?"
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"That's not unusual for you to want to protect it. People can have all kinds of complicated feelings about your 'home'. Even if living within that space was not a positive experience for you."
Leina isn't smiling, this is a difficult conversation to have, "You're a doctor, you've probably treated victims of domestic abuse, of child abuse in your time. Mind you, I'm not labelling you that. However, if you asked many who have newly escaped that kind of situation whether they don't have some... attachment, to the people who did that to them. To the place they came from. They'd likely tell you 'yes'. Because it was their home. And because those people were their family."
It moves on to Verdiska, and Leina is glad that Athrusa can acknowledge that much. The 'I think' causes her eyes to slowly lid. Perhaps the domestic abuse metaphor is more apt than she thought. "I hope one day you two can reconcile, but it may take her... leaving that place herself."
It's a very straight face, as Athrusa confirms it. The first time she chose something for herself. That line...
... to be perfectly honest, she struggles to remember it. The anime, she remembers it, but not in a way where it's fully congealed in her memory like an anime she's watched many times, and truly loves. However, she does remember it.
"Ah." Leina smiles at her, "Well, I think it's a great name. And I'm happy you chose it for yourself."
There's a pause, and she ponders this for a time, before asking, "Do you still like your name? I'm only asking because the idea of... having a purpose decided for you, feels like it is part of why you question your own humanity."
She gives her a searching look, "Most humans start their lives without a purpose. However, they're often given one from someone else. By their parents, by people in power, by their brothers - or sisters - or friends. Some spend their whole lives seeking a purpose that's all their own. So... how do you feel? Does your purpose make you question the identity you've chosen for yourself? Would you like to search for a new one, independent of it? Or, do you like it, and just would have wanted the opportunity to choose it yourself?"
She tries to give her a kind smile, "You don't have to answer any of that for my sake. Just, something to think about, maybe. Just... I personally? Don't think having a purpose makes you much different from anyone else, other than the depths to which Celestial Being went to instill it within you."
<Pose Tracker> Athrusa Hsieh has posed.
Leina speaks wisdom about how people can have complicated, difficult feelings about even an abusive home, comparing it to the situation where domestic and child abuse can happen... though she has to pause and hesitate a little when she says that she's probably treated people like that.
"... I told her I did not wish to give up on her. That is... something I do still feel," Athrusa answers. "And I decided that on my own, not because I was directed to save lives, or reduce suffering. ... as reasonably certain as I can feel."
Athrusa doesn't pick up on whether or not the anime sucks! Leina's very polite about it. Does she still like her name...?
"... I... do I... 'like' the name?" Athrusa bobs her head. Then Leina explains how humans start their lives without a purpose, but are given one by someone else... but how does she feel?
"... maybe in the future, but ... right now, it feels too frightening to abandon everything again. It took a lot of effort to take these first few steps. And no matter whether it is under a directive or not, the work that I do as a surgeon does..." A pause. "I do not... despise it."
A hesitant pause, as she says, "But... umm." Suddenly the atmosphere seems to change a bit as she scratches her cheek. "As far as a purpose that is my own, something I desire, um..." Oh, this is strange, the way she suddenly gets flustered!
But she pushes forward, and then holds up the manila envelope as if she were holding a chart, and displays her... best... smile. It's kinda awkward.
"Hello, I'm Athrusa Hsieh, and I'll be your surgeon today," she winningly (?) proclaims.
...
...
...
She hides her face behind the envelope.
"Speaking to my patients is simply too difficult...!!"
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Leina actually has a smile tug along the edges as Athrusa says she does not wish to give up on her. And that she decided it on her own, not because of some directive. "If I told you to give up on her, I'd be the biggest hypocrite in the world. I've made similar decisions myself."
Right now she considers a girl who once tried to strangle her to death and she has only a couple good memories of her, her little sister? Look, life is complicated and time is a weird soup.
Leina is perhaps relieved that she likes the names, and that she does not despise it. However...
... Leina can see how flustered she's getting, to feel it, it's just that it's never translated to words, until now. She leans forward slightly, taking this quite seriously.
Leina's head tilts to the side though as she keeps hesitating, having difficulty getting it out. Then she...
... smiles.
And introduces herself. And... hides her face behind the envelope...
... Leina's mouth opens wide, however then she smiles, and tries her best not to giggle. Instead she stands up, walks over to her, and slowly peeks around the manila 'chart' she's holding up to look at her face. She's giving her, her biggest smile.
"You don't have to be embarrassed. We can work on that. Together, if you'd like." Leina folds her hand over the back of Athrusa's and squeezes it lightly, "I've known a lot of Doctors, because I was in and out of the hospital for almost two years of my life, after... well... it's complicated, but I was in a wheelchair, and needed a lot of physical therapy to get mobile again, then still needed a lot of follow ups once I was. My Guardian is a Doctor. Two of my friends are Doctors."
There's another pause, then an even sunnier smile.
"We just have to work on it, a little bit at a time. You'll get there, so long as you're willing to work hard at it."