2022-08-23: Elisa appears by my side precisely when she is most needed
- Log: Elisa appears by my side precisely when she is most needed
- Cast: Yuliana Dispersal, Elisa Kafim
- Where: The Institute for Continuing Study, Sri Lanka
- Date: 24-08-2022
- Summary: Yuliana has a very bad day after her failure to capture Athrusa. Elisa appears to reassure her how valid her -- and only her -- feelings are. She offers to help, and this time, Yuliana accepts.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Dispersal has posed.
"Hold up," Wen Yuan lifts a finger, to Parminder, as he starts moving towards the break room. "You don't want to go in there. The Captain's crying again."
Parminder Chaudhri pauses, and sighs, a hand coming up to sweep through his mane of orange hair. "Again? She just had an episode... Medical's really dropping the ball on this one." He pauses, and adds: "Heh, you know. Unless the point isn't to fix you folks."
"Your enduring scepticism of our health service is noted, Lieutenant," Wen says, with just a little too much pomp and echo, rolling her eyes. "Anyway. Cascade's out on a mission right now, so this should all breeze over if we give the Captain some space. We've had a lot of heavy-duty missions lately... she's just pretty sensitive, you know?" Wen gives a hapless little shrug, from her desk. The Nega Force all have desks of their own, and computers, and even paperweights. It's a horrifically mundane base for a team which engages in so much wetwork.
Well, leaving aside the armory -- but that's down the hall.
"Oh, I know," Parminder folds his arms. "For someone who hates sensitive souls so much, she could stand to look in a mirror now and then."
Wen looks one way, looks the other, and gestures Parminder in. Once he lumbers over -- he towers above her even when he's not standing, so he has to lean down -- she whispers: "You know, I think her project was supposed to put out Cyber-Newtypes. The Major happened to say something curious, and I happened to see a file on his desk later he hadn't entirely covered up, I guess he thought it wouldn't be readable from that distance, and... well, don't you think it's odd..?" Wen's eagle-eyed gaze catches much more than people expect -- her eyes were replaced with sniper technology, after all. Even her own superiors occasionally forget the extent of her cybernetic modifications.
"It's the logical conclusion," Parminder agrees. "I'd be surprised if even the Republic set out to make something like Yuliana on purpose. It was probably more like a happy accident. Well," he shrugs, devil-may-care, "happy for the country, anyway. She's a miserable woman, obviously, and we get to deal with it! Eh, whatever, I guess I can't call it dull." He straightens up, looking back towards the hall; there's a moment's pause, a light frown, as he hears Yuliana's distant sobbing. "... hey," he interrupts himself, jerking a thumb over his shoulder. "What's wrong with her, anyway?"
"She just keeps yelling 'Doctor, Doctor'...! Maybe it's something with the treatments... she sounds pretty upset." Wen pauses, frowning in concern. "If she's protesting, we shouldn't get next door involved, but... I don't know, maybe she is hurt." Her unease grows, as she weighs the options, until finally she turns her strange red eyes on the Lieutenant who reports to her. "You're the analyst, Parminder. Do you think we should call someone..?"
Parminder frowns, a cloudy disposition settling over his cheer. "Mm..."
...---...
The sound of a person hitting the floor is so often a thud, regardless of the method. Heavily, Yuliana impacts; heavily, she leans against the fridge, feeling the edge of the whitegood's door against her skull. Heavily, her eyes squeeze shut.
"Shit."
The last ten seconds, she thinks, drags through her skull. Come on! It can't be so easily lost in the heat of the moment. It was -- it was -- her finger twitches, and the pain is her recall. Tremors. Tremors in her hand, since she hasn't wanted to take the medications Baihe recommended. That's right. And the kettle...
She opens her eyes, and sees, through one veiled eye and one blurred for other reasons, the kettle tossed to the other side of the room. There's a little chunk taken out of the drywall, from how viciously she flung it. Water everywhere, of course. Ah! And the water would have been boiling. That explains her finger.
What marvellous detective work, she thinks to herself, with venom -- and her shoulders lift, chest heaving in another sob. "Stupid--!"
Her hands reach up to clutch at her face, digging into her left temple, as if she could tear off that entire side of her. All the poison in her fingertips -- but it's already in her blood; no matter how tightly she grasps, the truth remains. She wanted Athrusa to have some semblance of a life, after her betrayal, even if she wouldn't weep to see her punished. She wasn't trying to do something good, not even in her own mind -- but she was trying to do something less bad. Choose the lesser evil. Spare her life.
And it blew up in her face -- and now she's miserable -- and it's all the fault of the good Doctor!
(Say it once, and once again, and maybe one day it will even be true.)
"Doctor..."
Through her wretched sobbing, there's little she can notice about the break room; when a touch settles on her shoulder, her hand drops to grasp that foreign wrist, tight and painful, and fling it away. She glares upwards, sharply, to see Dr. Taisiya Petrov leaning over her.
"Not you, you ghastly shell!" Yuliana yells, with clear venom. It's a rather hurtful thing to say, but Taisiya doesn't look too upset. She doesn't look happy either, of course. She has no strong feelings about her reputation at all.
(It's why her husband left her. She is married to the work, now.)
"You are hurt. I must care for you," Taisiya says, without emphasis.
"Oh, get out of my face," Yuliana glowers, turning away, lifting her shoulder up. "I've no patience for your passivity today."
"I must care for you," Dr. Petrov repeats, and it's only when Yuliana looks back to her that she realises Taisiya has been holding a cup of pills out the whole time. Yuliana's attention zeroes in on it; the next thing she knows, she's swallowed them long before the hollow Doctor can get her some water.
She clicks her tongue against her teeth, as her head sags back, against the fridge. "Shit... I really have no willpower about this pleasant little leash, huh..." She's not being entirely fair to herself; she's not entirely wrong about the surrounding circumstances, either. Her eyes shut, briefly, in a silent prayer to chemistry; when she opens them, she looks, sidelong, through the veil of her hair and her lashes to the woman crouched beside her.
"It's... too bad," she murmurs, meeting those lightless eyes. "I could tell you were afraid when you restrained me... worried when I came back from the lab... you were still young enough to give a damn. Guess we ground you down before the job could... it's your own fault for troubling her so much, you know. You're lucky you weren't one of the ones who just disappeared..."
"Yes," Dr. Petrov agrees, too mildly. She offers a hand to Yuliana. "Please come with me. I must see to you."
Yuliana sighs, a little smile on her lips. "Of course... she made sure I'd be taken care of, here... oh, you wouldn't understand. She's such a wonderful woman..." All a sudden, looking at the results of Elisa's craft, the same thing she couldn't stand to happen to Athrusa -- why, she could cry all over again.
"Yes." Dr. Petrov continues to hold her hand out. "I must see to you."
There's a moment where Yuliana glares at her, as if she's about to berate her again -- but instead, she reaches up to take the Doctor's arm, and hoist herself up. She leads her out through the side-door of the office, through to an unobtrusive side-entrance of the Institute. (The access is deliberate.) Taisiya's ID gets them through to the laboratory, and in the distance -- tormented shrieks, the hallmark of the Head Doctor's newest experiments.
"Hm," Yuliana frowns. "Good thing I don't have to deal with Dr. Devi any more, I suppose."
"She cannot involve you in the project," Dr. Petrov explains, and if she had any tone to her words, it might have even been reassuring. "We commandeered another team's Cyber-Newtypes. They are integrating."
"Integrating with what, precisely?" Yuliana asks, with clear distaste.
"They are integrating," Dr. Petrov repeats.
"I don't know why I even bother talking to you these days," Yuliana grumbles. "The other characters at least pretend to be worth investing in."
The treatment rooms, at least, are sound-proofed. It's as much to avoid sound escaping as entering -- and raises certain questions about what Yuliana was hearing, before -- but it's much more peaceful in here than out there, at least.
Taisiya sees to her vital signs, takes her blood; she still has all her medical knowledge, at least, so she realises the problem as soon as she goes away to analyse it. (Notably, she analyses it herself; she must see to Yuliana.) She's quite good at setting up a drip, actually, with steady and gentle hands. Yuliana is annoyed by the whole process -- but she endures it, if only because it's not Taisiya's will.
"It's your own fault you ended up this way," she mutters, again, but she receives no reply.
Once Yuliana has been seen to, Dr. Petrov calls a particular number, and issues her report on Yuliana's wellbeing. She spares no detail; she was instructed, after all. And it seems that amongst the quality-of-life pills Yuliana has been skipping... are her mood stabilisers.
Which is one way to foster her instability, certainly.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
It is not long after the phone call that Elisa arrives. She does not need to particularly concern herself with 'distance' after all. More and more, she is above such trivialities.
On the phone, she listened. Here and now...
"Darling," Elisa says as she steps into the room. Where did she come from? It's not very important.
"My darling Yuliana. It is terrible how this world treats you."
She is not dressed as a Doctor, but in a green dress and sturdy boots; there is the suggestion that she may have been Outside, from the sunglasses at her head (not over her eyes, just now). But now she is here.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Dispersal has posed.
Yuliana is a creature of this earth -- born here, raised here; tied and tangled in laws of physics and biology and chemistry and history. If Elisa rises above, surely Yuliana is chthonic, buried beneath flow and stone.
(Or, perhaps, the word is lurking.)
Dr. Petrov does not return to the room; does not interrupt Elisa, in her entry. She is mindful.
And Yuliana -- Yuliana is overjoyed to see her, all her volume sliders turned up, in the way her relief breaks over her face so much like grief, and in the way she reaches to her with a grand gesture, all agitated at its edges of her twitching fingers, left hand adorned with that rich band. (There's a patch, over her right, but those fingers she has to keep a mite more still. The drugs feeding into the veins of her wrist, you see.) "Elya--!"
What a surprise to, "It's so good to see you!" The last time Elisa came to visit her at the Institute, Yuliana was remarkably worried about whether she should be here. Not now, it seems.
"It..." Yuliana pauses, for a hitch of a moment, before she confirms: "it is, isn't it..? Oh, it really isn't fair..." Neither is Yuliana, but she doesn't mention that.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Lurking! Lurking, yes... Waiting, perhaps.
Elisa looks over Yuliana but she already knows what she will see; that band, that patch, those still fingers. She does not interfere with the medicine. This is already different from the last time, and, "Yes, and likewise!"
She does not explain how she knew to be here, or why. Why would she do such a thing?
"Very unfair," Elisa agrees. "There, there, darling. Just tell Elisa all about it."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Dispersal has posed.
SHE IS waiting... yes.
Yuliana sighs, with a warm smile, as she gestures to Elisa with her left hand. "All right... come here," she bids her; under the circumstances, it's difficult for Yuliana to go to Elisa, as she usually would.
"I... oh, it's a little foolish, really, just, I... I didn't care to take the medicines Doctor Baihe prescribed to me, you see." Yuliana's gaze tracks away, to some of those torture-- sorry, medical implements, stored to one side of the treatment room. "It's... it's rather just a case of..."
She trails off, for a moment. "Oh, it hardly matters!" Yuliana insists, all acid-tongued, a deep frown across her face. "What does she matter, anyway?! Just some preoccupation with the chapter--!" Her breath hitches, as her shoulders rise and fall in the motion.
"It's just -- it's just, I -- I know what we'd do to her, Elya," her voice comes more thin, as she pushes through her discomfort to tell her all about it. "Why, I've done it quite enough myself... in a situation like this, there aren't really second chances. I thought... I don't know, maybe idealists would handle it better... but no, worse, as it happens. When she told me that, I..."
Yuliana swallows. "I... I get angry, I lash out without thinking... you know," she approximates, with a thread of desperation, to all the things she's thrown in those rentals of theirs. "In the moment, I just wanted to hurt her... I daresay most of the things I said weren't even true. She told me Medical's the ones who turned on her... she didn't betray us, she was running. I called her a traitor anyway..." It's hardly the only thing she said, but it's what sticks in Yuliana's head, apparently.
"... it just... it makes me so angry," she insists, a little wobble to the word. "She left, had to leave, it... I look at her, her prospects, and I... oh, Elya, it's hard to say, there are certain, demands or expectations or trajectories I must struggle to ahead of, because... well, you know, Medical's projects don't generally retire." It's embarrassing; she's embarrassed, to point out that she's an experiment, to the scientist she's engaged to. "I guess she just... reminds me of that... so how could she leave?"
Her fingers twitch, on her right hand. "She can't escape."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Always.
Elisa does come closer after a moment; space is... important? She approaches, and smiles again. But then the medicines... Ahhh, yes. The 'medical' implements. But what does it matter? What does she matter? Elisa does not answer; she waits through Yuliana's ravings.
"Yes," Elisa says. "I see. It is what these people do to one another regularly..."
Yuliana has done it? Unimportant!
"The idealists are..." Elisa waves her hand vaguely. "They have ideals. 'Ideals' can prompt someone to a far greater misery than mere certainties."
"It really was terrible of her to leave you. I can see why you were angry! A real feeling like that..."
Elisa shakes her head. "Well," she says. "You are for something greater. Only remember that you are special, not like..." She gestures. "These."
Then she considers. "Do you want me to keep her for you?"
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Dispersal has posed.
These people; not her. Yuliana hears the separation Elisa carves, between herself and her country. And the perils of ideals... well, given Yuliana's own actions, can she really argue?
Never.
But her feelings -- more real, more valid, more important -- once and once again Elisa says she is special, intended. Yuliana's expression gentles, regarded as so precious in those other green eyes. She remarks again, to herself, just how good Elisa is to her.
Elisa asks a considered question, and Yuliana doesn't pause, this time, before she reaches out with her free hand to grasp for hers. (Space, yes, is important.) "You're... the only one who's ever left the system with such overwhelming success, Elya," she starts, a little lingering on the words where she isn't sure how to start.
(It's a contradiction of terms, but she's a woman of the Republic. She's good at keeping those in her head.)
"Maybe it was a failure of my own imagination, that I didn't simply ask you from the start. You'll have to forgive me... I'm a woman of laws and structures, you see. If you could keep her safe, I..." Her fingers tighten, briefly, as Yuliana glances away. "I... do attach value to her, you see," she admits, slowly. "You must understand, for many years, she -- she was the only one who really gave a damn at all. For a while I thought it was a deliberate psychological construction, given how she wasn't involved in all aspects of my care... then, I thought she simply objected to the, the more, intensive experiments... now I suppose the scientists simply didn't completely trust her, given how she was sent here."
She pauses; she is vulnerable, as she looks up to Elisa again, lips all pinched together as if she could bite down the next wave of tears. "She says she doesn't wish to be erased... that she wants to make her own choices. I -- I'd prefer if she could, Elya. I feel so wretched, that I've set her to be hollowed out by our mutual friends," Celestial Being, that is. "I don't know why I torment myself so, when I'm the one set to bring her to task... but... but, I... oh, Elya," tears well in her eyes, despite her valiant attempt, "it's -- it's so cruel to set me to catch her -- simply because she was attached to me. I, I'm being treated as nothing more than bait!"
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa's hand curls under Yuliana's, and she smiles briefly at her--at the contact, yes? Before she looks to Yuliana's face once more. The only one to leave the system... It's an interesting way to put it, of course. An interesting thing to linger on. Some would say Elisa never really became part of the system in the first place. Or others, that she hasn't really left, simply impressed herself into it. But...
"I forgive you," Elisa says simply. "It is natural to not realize. But now you do."
Hmm... "Yes, I see. Such loyalty to you can be rewarded." Not must, not should, be can.
"Our mutual friends will simply have to deal with not knowing," she decides. "It is cruel, to ask you to bring her in. They do not properly appreciate you, and this... this begins to anger me."
She smiles. "However, for you, I will bear that anger. I will consider what I can do best to aid her. We shall see, yes?"
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Dispersal has posed.
Yuliana's thumb rubs at the side of Elisa's hand, in one of those idle little fond motions which demonstrates how much she, at least, thrives in the contact.
Elisa forgives her, and it is, perhaps, the most natural thing in the world; or, perhaps, water in the desert, given the self-reproach Yuliana inflicts on herself. If she cannot forgive herself -- certainly Elisa does.
Something that matters so much more, day after day.
Yuliana hears the construction of her sentence -- its permission; that Athrusa's loyalty can be rewarded is testament to Elisa's willingness to entertain the notion. Is there something strange, about the way she says it? About the way she frames the other woman -- in terms of her utility to Yuliana -- in terms of what can happen?
Something that matters so much less, day after day.
Yuliana blinks away her tears, and swallows, head canting to one side. "You're right to be angry," she affirms, she allows, honouring those rare expressions Elisa speaks. "And I suppose I can't truly say so much about our mutual friends... but... at least, with regards to the Republic..." Her fingers squeeze, just so. "I... I love my country, Elya. I'm not -- I don't like to think I'm a disloyal woman... for all they've done to me, I still don't wish to see them burn." 'Them', not 'us', the same distance Elisa inserted between Yuliana and her home.
"If you could bear that for me, knowing how I feel... I really would be grateful. And for helping Athrusa, as well... ah, I'm asking quite a lot of you, aren't I...?" Yuliana laughs, a touch unsteadily. "I, I'm a little embarrassed... I suppose I'm a terribly needy woman, no?"
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa is fine with Yuliana needing the reassurance of physical contact. She is reasonably sure she's in the same locality now.
Of course she is right to be angry, though. SHe would never have an inappropriate emotion! ...But their mutual friends? Yes, Elisa knows more of them. And Yuliana's country... hmmm. 'Them'.
"Certainly," Elisa replies first. "I can bear that," she says, with a small smile. "You are not at all disloyal."
"No, no. Not needy. Real. And for you, I would do much more than this, Yuliana darling."
"I shall endeavor to assure that safety... and something for your Athrusa, as well. Yes. All will be well."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Dispersal has posed.
They're together; Yuliana couldn't hold so fast to Elisa if they weren't. She is someone who can only know the lack of empathic connection; no wonder, perhaps, she has filled the void where her senses should have gone with physical touch.
But -- she is real, Elisa assures her, again, and relief crosses over Yuliana's eyes. "Of course... oh, Elya, you truly are wonderful." Her hand shifts, to weave her fingers between Elisa's, and she smiles. "Yes... all will be well." She blinks, and breathes, steadily, in and out. Elisa is here for her; Elisa will see to it. Elisa will... Elisa will...
(Elisa's will.)
"You're so good to me," she gives voice to the thought, with clear affection. "In the end... the only ones we can rely on are each other, mm...?"