2022-08-05: Need
- Log: 2022-08-05 Need
- Cast: Kaworu Nagisa, Shinji Ikari
- Where: Manyoso Hotel, Tokyo-3
- OOC - IC Date: August 5, 0096 (2022)
- Summary: Shinji comes by to check in on Kaworu while Kaworu is in the bath.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
The onsen hotel is, by and large, a quiet place. This is the natural result when it only has two actual inhabitants, with everyone else around being either staff or members of Section 2 ensuring the hotel is secure. Kaworu doesn't necessarily mind the quiet. Rei lives across the hall from him, so he has company and help when he needs it--indeed, the whole reason he was transferred from his apartment into this hotel after being released from the hospital--and her presence is comfortable.
That quiet extends to the bath. Though the hotel was renovated from a Japanese-style hotel to a Western-style one, the onsen baths remain--too iconic a part of Japanese culture to remove, perhaps. Kaworu's been told that the waters, supplied by an actual hot spring, have medicinal properties, and has had it suggested that he take a nice long soak to help with the healing process. Even without that, baths are so good. Not as good as songs, perhaps, but they're soothing and relaxing.
So after working on his cooking yesterday and cleaning up with Rei, it comes to pass that Kaworu finally avails himself of showers, and from there, the onsen.
It's quiet there, too. Kaworu sits submerged up to his armpits, eyes shut, head tilted back as a faint smile curves his lips, as only the sound of still water wobbles through the tiled room. A subtle thing, like the subtle joy of simply letting the water's warmth diffuse into his body.
There's someone missing at his side, but... he already decided to stop being so selfish. (Even if Mari says being selfish is the point.) The deepening of his relationship with Rei is enough. He should appreciate what he has, rather than lamenting what he has not.
Speaking of whom... is there anything he can do for her...? Some way he can express how much her friendship means to him; someway he can help ease her own burden of fate...
Losing himself in those thoughts, Kaworu hums a sweet song.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Speaking of whom... is there anything he can do for her...? Some way he can express how much her friendship means to him; someway he can help ease her own burden of fate... She's done so much to ease his own burden while recovering from his injuries. Opening his eyes, Kaworu reaches his left hand over his right shoulder to touch the scar that climbs up his back. The water isn't high enough to cover the whole thing... let alone the wound on his head, though outwardly it seems fine.
She wanted to go to the Moon... She has only half her soul... But those aren't things that can be resolved quickly or easily. Kaworu considers the onsen's ceiling as he rubs his shoulder. Is it enough for now to let himself need her? Is she satisfied with that...?
...All of a sudden, his head throbs. It distracts him from his own thoughts. Moving his hand from his shoulder to the side of his head, he lets himself sink under the water. He's had the occasional headache since that incident. Whether the waters are medicinal or not, letting his whole body soak might well help with that.
Settling on the bottom of the bath, Kaworu lets the air that lingered in his lungs out in a slow stream of bubbles. He watches them rise in distant interest. Once they're all gone, he shuts his eyes anew and relaxes.
Around his head, his hair sways like pale seaweed.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Shinji feels a heavier melancholy from the hotel than when he first visited Rei. Misato mentioned Rei didn't like the idea of the new place she would live in once it was ready, and that Rei missed her old place. That apartment hadn't seemed much a home to Shinji, but... He's not exactly an expert on what makes a home, is he? Could the hotel be better? After all, Kaworu is here now, too. It might be more lonely for her to leave.
He needs to get another cat pen. He can't remember which one he had gotten her. The cruel irony of it is had he been asked what he'd gifted her before, Shinji would have easily identified it. Now with the added pressure, he's second guessing himself. Kaworu might remember.
There's a lot he needs to talk to Kaworu about. It seems each passing day, there's something else to Shinji needs to ask him, and an absence of Kaworu to ask.
If he's not in his room, he might be at the onsen. And if he's not there either... Well, at least there will be an onsen. Though it would feel inappropriate to use it alone since Shinji's not a guest...
He steps outside in a quiet more comfortable than the hotel's halls, glancing over the onsen's at first seemingly empty waters. Seemingly. Social dread plunges into a different kind of panic at the blurry sight of a body in the water, fear sharpening like a knife with the unique and familiar color of the hair.
"Kaworu?!"
Shinji leaps unheedingly into the bath, breathing in too late and nearly choking on water before gasping actual air and dunking back in. He may not know how to swim, but this is only an onsen...! Second guessing plagues him again -- where and how Kaworu was hurt, and there's not time for his brain to muster the confidence to confirm his memories. Shinji tries to take Kaworu by the waist, the trunk of him that should be stable enough -- he hopes.
However Kaworu might come up with him, Shinji's panicked, gulping breaths makes it seem he were the one in danger of drowning, now miraculously saved and with a new lease on life and oxygen.
"K...Kaworu!" He tries to calm his heaving chest and blink hot water from his burning eyes. "Are you all right? Kaworu!"
... He's expecting to have to shout Kaworu conscious rather than discover Kaworu is fine, actually.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Kaworu tries to focus on Rei. But, inevitably, as a certain presence approaches step by step, they shift back to Shinji.
At first it's not too difficult to dismiss. Shinji had visited Rei recently; he'd asked Rei to give Shinji some of yesterday's curry; he must be here for that. No need to pay further attention to it (as much as he might want to).
But then it draws nearer--through hallways, into the bath--and since this is the 'men's side' (not that Kaworu thinks of himself as a 'man,' but he has superficial characteristics of a man and so accepts that others will perceive him as such), he can't be here for Rei.
Is he here for him...? But why? Should he rise up and say something? Or is he simply looking around? Kaworu's fingers drag along the bottom of the onsen as they curl towards his palm, and his blinking speeds up. Frustration bubbles up inside him. Before this time around, he wouldn't have hesitated to greet him... but isn't that because of his own selfishness? It's best for Shinji if he pretends not to notice. It's best for...
This is about when Shinji leaps into the onsen, fully clothed, nearly drowns himself, and dives in to drag Kaworu up to the surface anyway.
Kaworu doesn't resist. Shinji grabs him by the waist and pulls him up, and reflexively, Kaworu grabs hold of his sopping shirt as both of them breach the surface. Shinji's frankly in worse condition than he is, gasping for air as Kaworu simply stares at him in blank surprise.
And then his expression melts into deep, deep affection. Rushing in to save another without a thought for himself... it's so like Shinji that his heart can't help but ache. Looking back, Shinji must have thought he was drowning. The fact that Lilim need to breathe occurs to Kaworu only now, after the fact.
"Yes, I'm fine," he reassures him, doing nothing to brush away the water dripping from his hair down his face, his shoulders, his back. He should let go of him, he knows, but--one second longer. Even one second longer. "I'm sorry; did I scare you?"
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Shinji coughs and sputters a moment more. The relief of Kaworu speaking -- as clear and calm as always -- helps Shinji's pulse lower. He looks at Kaworu from under the wet hair clinging to his skin, face fighting between disbelief and a growing sense of foolishness.
Kaworu's okay. Not even distressed. Shinji's starting to turn red.
"...O...Of course you scared me!"
Shinji's flustered expression cracks. His breath hitches, like he's suddenly been run through. His eyes are on Kaworu, but isn't looking at him anymore. Not this Kaworu. A different Kaworu from not so long ago, not serene and relaxed, but with a bullet lodged in him.
The wound reopens, all at once. Everything Shinji buried in that moment to keep it together and everything he did to keep from thinking about it since. Every time it tried to haunt his thoughts, drowned out and pushed aside in favor of putting one foot in front of the other.
Unthinkingly, Shinji tightens his grip. His fingertips drag slightly against Kaworu's skin, trying to verify there's a real Kaworu in front of him at all.
"You... really scared me... Kaworu..." he repeats, voice softer than his own breathing, like it's something he isn't supposed to say.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Shinji's pulse might lower, but his expression--his distress--all of it rises in his face along with his color. Once again, Kaworu is reminded of the concept that the only thing he ever does to Shinji is hurt him. He feels it in the drag of Shinji's nails on his bare skin, hears it in the whisper of his voice.
"..."
He doesn't know what to do. It's best to keep his distance, but how can he push him away when he's already right here in front of him? So he doesn't. Instead, he slips his arms around him, holding him in an embrace loose enough to break the instant Shinji chooses to retreat.
"I'm sorry," he repeats, lowering into a whisper of his own. "I never wanted to cause you pain..." Emotion rises in his throat. He swallows it back down with effort. "...I'm sorry."
He doesn't know what to do. So he leaves it at that.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Shinji goes still, briefly paralyzed by that sense he always gets when someone brushes just a little too close. When Rei crawled over him to show him the candle lid, or when Asuka sat dangerously close to check his homework. He lives in terror of the final contact that'll burn them both, but Kaworu closes the distance and the world doesn't end.
It's a rare moment of nothing bad happening at all.
The apology doesn't make sense, but Shinji doesn't know how to point that out. Kaworu was hurt, Kaworu was shot, Kaworu was gone and what good was Shinji? Kaworu was drowning but he wasn't, really, and what was the point of Shinji? But Kaworu is neither shot nor drowning right now. Again, Kaworu was never drowning. He was in the onsen. Relaxing. Still wounded and recovering and --
Shinji bristles and flinches back.
"Your arm -- I'm sorry, did I --"
The reality of what Shinji was doing hits, and he's redder than he was to start.
"I, uh, I didn't mean -- I thought --"
He jumped to some very stupid conclusions is what he did...! He glances to his soaked clothing and is starting to sink further into the onsen, mouth bubbling under the water but nose above it, as if this is going to hide his shame.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
When was the last time they were this close together...? Kaworu feels him go still, and he doesn't need supernatural awareness to know that this closeness is about to end. Sure enough, Shinji flinches away, and Kaworu lets him go. His arms sink into the water.
It was one second more than he deserved. Still... he takes a shard of comfort from that brief touch they shared.
"I'm fine," he reassures him quietly. He can't quite hold back a smile as Shinji sinks into the water in embarrassment, and sinks down with him, wholly unconcerned with the fact that his friend is still fully dressed.
"You thought I was in danger and you tried to save me," Kaworu concludes for him. For however else he feels, his gaze softens with affection. "Thank you. I'm truly blessed to have a friend like you."
He wants to reach out to him--to touch his hand, like he did so long ago. He doesn't. Instead, he shakes his head a little.
"My arm's all right," he adds. "It's my shoulder that was injured, so as long as I don't move it around too much, it's okay."
He rises then, pale skin glistening in the artificial lights as warm water trickles down his contours. With some effort, he goes to the side of the bath and turns to lean against it. The water's buoyancy means his injured leg can simply float... but in the moment he has his back to Shinji, Shinji can see the long, knotted scar down his shoulderblade. It matches the scar further down on his upper thigh, as if a continuation of violence.
The assassin stabbed him there. To keep him from running away. To make sure he wouldn't escape that final bullet.
But he did escape it. Why was that?
But Kaworu leans against the side of the bath, uninjured left hand gripping the edge. He looks over at Shinji with his typical faint, crooked smile that belies his wistful eyes. "Did you need me for something? You must have come in here for a reason," he points out. "Or were you simply taking a look around?"
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
If Shinji sinks lower, maybe the onsen will swallow him and he won't have to imagine skulking through the halls of the hotel and walking home while dripping wet. Or see Kaworu looking at him like that, speaking words that are always so painfully sincere they're hard to believe are true, which is making Shinji's face feel twice as hot.
That might be a result of blurbling in an onsen, Shinji! Which -- no this isn't right at all, he didn't rinse properly before getting in...! Mortification upon mortification.
He drags himself from the water, seating himself near the edge, hunched and sulking with his arms loosely around himself. It may be summer, but the air against wet clothes still invites a chill.
As if to demonstrate it was Kaworu's shoulder, no his arm, that was the problem, Shinji gets visceral evidence. He straightens at that, something cold in his gut with the memory. A bullet is faster than a boy with a knife. Was there something else Shinji could have done? He's unable to look away until Kaworu's eyes are back on him, snapping Shinji out of it with another flinch.
"I was looking for you," Shinji says feebly, feeling like the worst at finding people to talk to them, a thing he did not know until today he or anyone else could be bad at.
"It's, um." Too many things to say, and Shinji's throat squeezes shut because he doesn't know where to start. He doesn't want it to be about needing anything. "We... haven't seen a lot of each other lately." Shinji says it carefully, watching Kaworu.
Some of that was the recovery, but is that really all...?
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Yes, remaining mostly submerged in warm-to-hot water definitely is not going to help feeling hot in the face.
Kaworu watches Shinji as he pulls himself out of the bath and perches himself nearby at the edge. With that recent reminder of what Lilim need that he does not, he watches the water drip from his clothes. Sees him flinch to attention out of eyes turned away.
"You should undress," he comments abruptly, seeing nothing untoward about the statement. "Your clothes won't dry well if you leave them on like that."
And surely with Kaworu also naked, water barely up to his slender waist, it won't be weird or anything. Surely. (At least there's plenty of towels around.)
He was looking for him... because they haven't seen much of each other lately. Kaworu's eyes lid, watching him watch him. He bows his own head to watch his wavering reflection in the water.
"I suppose that can't be helped. I was in the hospital for a long while," he comments, knowing fully well that isn't all. He pauses for a long moment. "...but is that really something worthy of your concern?" he continues, struggling to keep his tone even. "You have the Second; you have Rei Ayanami; you have Col. Katsuragi, and Suzuhara and Aida, and more." He turns his face further away. "Does it really matter if I'm here or not?"
What good am I to you, anyway...?
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Predictably, Shinji balks at being told to undress despite the fact that it makes perfect sense in this scenario. That Kaworu's right only makes it worse.
"R-Right."
Shinji pulls away from the edge to peel his clothes off, uselessly rinse himself, and steal a towel before returning. It doesn't take long, but when he returns he sits at the edge a moment, feet in, but hesitating as if the onsen is still something he's lost the rights to.
The hospital, Kaworu reminds Shinji. It's stupid to think of it further, isn't it? To make more of it than what it is. Shinji's... being Shinji about it. It's not Kaworu's fault, it's not even Shinji's fault, it's just --
Does it really matter if I'm here or not?
Shinji stares at Kaworu, losing all sense that he'd been presumptuous. Thoughts crash into a pile, drawing up old worries Kaworu's voiced that passed by so calmly at the time, trying to piece it together with the now, and scrambling to find what connects everything together.
"O-Of course it matters. We're friends, aren't we...?" Shinji hadn't meant it to sound like a question. If this were happening the other way around, Kaworu would have made it reassuring, the way he makes apologizing when he shouldn't reassuring -- a thought that's making Shinji start to feel nauseated all of the sudden.
But it's not the other way around. It's Shinji fumbling over his tone meekly, swallowing as he steels his nerves, gripping onto the edge of the onsen and forcing out words that are... confrontational.
"You've been -- You've been avoiding me." Deep breath. "Haven't you? Even before..."
Almost got away without softening it. Almost.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
By the time Shinji returns, Kaworu too sits on the edge of the onsen, seated upon a neatly folded towel. His feet likewise dangle into the water, and his eyes are shut, chin tilted upward, as if listening to a melody only he can hear.
But Shinji protests his response. Of course it matters, because they're friends. Reflexively, Kaworu smiles, as if genuinely pleased. But...
"..."
He can feel his anxiety, peeling off him in waves like steam from a hot spring.
"..."
He can feel him steeling himself, uncomfortable, uneasy, trying to find words to express his thoughts.
"..."
And, as always, Shinji finds that reserve of courage to make his thoughts a reality. To confront the reality that is so often unkind to him. To, perhaps, run away again after.
"...yes."
Kaworu's voice is quiet; his tone, reluctant--and resigned. There's no way he can explain the full truth to him, and therefore admitting this will only hurt him more. No, the full truth would hurt him just as much, wouldn't it? There's no way to end this conversation without causing him more pain. It's true that there's no such thing as a relationship without pain, but if one is causing another pain needlessly, all the time, something is wrong, isn't it?
This isn't the relationship he wanted them to have. But perhaps wanting anything from him at all was more selfishness.
For now, he simply speaks that one word, then falls silent to await his judgment.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Yes.
Shinji inhales quietly, but sharply. His chest twists, and it feels like everything to stay sitting there, present, and in the conversation. Self-deprecation slithers into his thoughts, but there's enough other pieces Kaworu's given him to drown them out.
"There's probably a lot you can't tell me," Shinji says. It's a struggle to keep his voice level. "Because of your position."
That's a concession, too. Because maybe there's more Kaworu doesn't want to tell him. Sometimes having people, but then they're gone. Worried he brings misfortune. Afraid he's asking too much... How much of that forms this puzzle, and how much of this is something else entirely?
"Did you know something like that was going to happen?"
Hesitation.
"...Are you... afraid it's going to again?"
Shinji is.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Though it might be a struggle, Shinji does keep his voice level--keeps his suppositions charitable. Kaworu knows, by 'his position,' he means Kaworu as an administrator, but... it's still very much true. There's much he can't tell Shinji because of the role he has within the scenario they've both been written into. His understanding of that, even if it's only based on partial knowledge, feels like more than he deserves. How much of what else Shinji knows is a part of this, though?
'Did you know something like that was going to happen?'
Kaworu turns to look at Shinji, eyes widened.
'Are you... afraid it's going to again?'
His surprise fades into reluctant resignation again. For a moment, he's quiet as he criss-crosses his fingers in his lap and lowers his gaze to them. Finally, though, he murmurs, "...Do you mean the assassination attempt? If so, then no, not specifically... but... it isn't the first time someone has tried to kill me. And it won't be the last."
He raises his gaze to the ceiling. "I'm not. I have no fear of death. I only fear whom my death might hurt... like you." His jaw tenses; lines stick out in his long, slender neck; his eyebrows furrow. "...You already suffer so much, Shinji. I don't want to be a cause of more suffering to you. I... I want you to be happy."
He shuts his eyes. "...but I'm not capable of bringing you happiness. All I do is cause you more pain. It's... better if I stay away." Eyes bleak as they focus on a point somewhere well beyond the walls around them, he concludes, "That's why."
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Shinji looks directly at Kaworu with the clarification. What else would he mean? His finger twitches against the edge he's gripping. He doesn't know how to ask after that. He feels like he's seeing Kaworu's serenity crack, and there's a horrible light coming through threatening to unravel something important.
It won't be the last.
Shinji's tension does not abate. It only gets more frazzled, more coiled, the more Kaworu talks.
It's lancing him with a panic he doesn't know how to articulate. It's wrong.
"That's not -- ! You can't decide that!" His fingers tremble, sinking in harder, knuckles white and finger pads scraping the rough stone. "And isn't it already too late?! You can't make that easier --!"
His voice raises in pitch the more he speaks, thoughts forgetting any and all eloquent segues he could make.
"It's not too much! You don't ask for too much! You don't -- you don't ask for anything!" It's angry, almost accusatory, before desperation takes over again. "So don't... don't talk like I'm not supposed to be sad if you die...!"
It would be the least Shinji could give Kaworu. The absolute, very least, and the last thing he wants to ever have to give him, but it's still too sad imagining the hypothetical alternative...!
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Even if Kaworu's serenity is cracking, there's still a quiet dignity to it. Pained though he is, he speaks evenly, voice never rising. Perhaps that only highlights the despair he conveys, though. It's not a surge of emotion spiking out of him, a flash storm streaking out a bolt of lightning; it's simply a steady gray downpour.
Or else maybe it's a matter of degrees. Though Kaworu may speak evenly, that doesn't mean his emotions aren't in their own disarray. When Shinji insists that he can't decide that, he can't make it easier, it's already too late, Kaworu's expression seizes up as if he were about to grimace but only got to the very beginning. Yet... now, he doesn't speak at all.
Shinji shouts at him, even--or maybe it just sounds like it with the acoustics of the bath bouncing his voice all around the room. He sounds angry that he doesn't ask for anything, and Kaworu doesn't understand why. He doesn't understand what he did wrong, or how he can make it better. Some of that helplessness reflects in his eyes as he stares off into the distance.
"...What else can I do? What would you have me do, Shinji?" he wonders, frustration simmering in his voice. He catches it, though. He stops--he takes a deep and unnecessary breath--and he sighs it out.
And then he smiles.
"...After I was shot," he begins, even and calm once more, "I was unconscious for approximately twenty-one days. As you know, the Devil of Tsutsujidai attacked Tokyo-3 with a massive kaiju during that time, shortly after I became indisposed. I was shown the footage of that battle when I awoke." His smile warms with genuine affection, voice ringing with sincerity. "You did spectacularly well, Shinji. It was an awesome foe," 'awesome' in the ancient meaning of the word, "but you fought splendidly and defeated it with the help of your friends and allies. When I saw it, I was so proud of you... proud, and relieved."
Kaworu finally turns that smile onto Shinji as he looks him in the eye.
"You don't need me."
...But even though he's smiling, he looks like he's about to cry.
For a throb of heartbeats, he holds that look. Then he turns away at last to carefully roll up to his feet, pulling his towel up after him, and hobble towards the dressing room. He's more than slow enough for Shinji to follow him, if he so chooses.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
It's unsettling in a way Shinji doesn't know how to define, and only growing moreso with each passing, helpless moment. His voice raises the more helpless he feels, but that doesn't make it reach Kaworu.
What does he want from Kaworu?
There's a horrible urge to see Kaworu's emotions slip. To break down and show... what, more pain? Tears? That's wrong, isn't it? Shinji isn't trying to upset Kaworu. That's exactly what his foolish, clumsy efforts are accomplishing, but he doesn't want that.
But he can't stand that smile when he thought he craved someone looking at him like that. And he can't stand that praise when he thought he'd be glad to hear it. And --
You don't need me.
"Kaworu!"
Shinji launches himself up when Kaworu moves away, but he doesn't know what he's doing, or what words change things. He's never known. He can yell all he wants but it doesn't fix anything.
He tries to grab hold of Kaworu's wrist to stop him, and what for, exactly? It's a testament to the moment that they're both out of the water and in nothing but towels and none of that even registers.
His mouth opens, but no words form, the touch prickling against his skin. Helplessly, Shinji loosens his fingers until gravity is enough to make Kaworu slip free if he isn't pulled from otherwise.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
'Kaworu!' he shouts, and leaps forward to grab him by the wrist.
Kaworu rocks from inertia and goes still, staring wide-eyed back at his first friend. His eyelids droop as he hesitates. For all that he said it was best if he stayed away, for all that he said Shinji doesn't need him, the instant Shinji reaches out and touches him, he stops. Tension rides all up his tall frame, not from wanting to pull away, but wanting to draw closer.
He wants so badly to turn his hand around. To clasp Shinji's in his own. To pull him close and hold him, to touch and feel more of him. They're both damp from the baths and clad in a single cloth, and what does that matter? Shinji may not know what he wants from Kaworu, but Kaworu knows very well what he wants from Shinji. Perhaps Shinji sees it too in the shimmer of his red eyes, in the quiver of his lips as he takes in a soft, sharp breath.
So when Shinji's grip slacks--when gravity pulls them away from one another--Kaworu's gaze flicks downward, lips pursing as if in disappointment. It cuts off whatever he might have said, if he had been about to say anything at all.
This is for the best, isn't it?
Even so, he hesitates a moment longer, until that moment that the physical connection between them fully breaks. He hangs his head. Then, in silence, he turns away once more to leave.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Shinji doesn't know what he's looking at. He hangs unfairly on Kaworu's silence, unable to say anything and wishing Kaworu would. Then he's afraid of whatever Kaworu might say.
There's a shimmer he doesn't understand in Kaworu's gaze, but Shinji doesn't look away, searching.
Then the gap between them reopens, and Kaworu walks away.
Shinji doesn't follow, letting himself sink down, hugging his legs and burying his face in his knees.
What happened to Kaworu?