2022-06-14: What We Consider Ourselves
- Log: What We Consider Ourselves
- Cast: Arriety Hearn, BC-001 Minae
- Where: Arriety and Minae's apartment, Londenion
- Date: 14th June 2022
- Summary: Arriety has a difficult conversation with Minae, which may just change their relationship forever... but for the better?
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety's back in the apartments, though she messaged Minae saying she wanted to have a talk. She's been around quite a bit; she's actually spent more time on the Ra Mari and Nadesico than home at this point, which may count as a point of pride just on virtue of being out and about and living her life and confronting it.
Right now, though, she's fixing herself a little meal at home, having sourced some of the cooking ingredients she's acquired abroad back home. A little apron ontop of her sweater, and no gloves for once! She's also wearing jeans, which is totally different.
<Pose Tracker> BC-001 Minae has posed.
Minae is not one given over to jealousy or uncertainty over what Arriety's been up to, especially not when she can contact her at more or less any time and makes very sure she always has a communication line open for her charge should an emergency arise.
Besides, she's been around as well, though often in ways that leave her simultaneously on board the Ra Mari - reconnecting with the GGG and quietly looking into the current workings of the Brave Police, chatting with Omoikane, mulling over the prospects of the Kakapo Squad moving to the Nadesico en masse.
The news that Arriety wants to have a talk is what leads her to block off a period of time to be fully at home. She's proud of her flatmate for trying her best to get out and about and do new things, but there's a suspicion that Arriety might be close to powering down and needing some time to recharge - and a serious talk might presage that, no matter whether it's good or bad news.
"Ooh," she says as she passes the pan and sniffs the air. "That's a new smell." She obviously doesn't have a lot to do in the kitchen, but is enjoying sharing the same space, pottering around as she cleans up after Arriety. She's naturally noticed the lack of gloves, but doesn't bring it up herself, figuring that it might all be connected to what Arriety wants to discuss.
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
"Oh, yeah... you can identify smells still," Arriety remarks. There's soy, chilli, and something savoury-sweet in the air. She blinks a few times, tilting her head. "You know, half of eating is smelling, I feel. Our foods wouldn't taste nearly as good if we couldn't smell them. So in that way, you're halfway there..."
She rubs at her chin. "Do you have a preference like that? Like do you like some food smells more than others...?"
<Pose Tracker> BC-001 Minae has posed.
"I've wondered about that myself," Minae nods as she crosses to the sink with a couple of plates to wash them, which is a good way to say she's probably about to start nattering to herself. "There's been a lot of studies on the impact of smell and sight on someone's perceived taste. Sometimes it feels like it isn't really a sense of its own so much as a mixture of all the other senses put together."
"But when it comes to my case, what's the line between 'identifying something's chemical composition' and 'smelling'? What about 'tasting'? Is it the ability to pick preferences out of it, or boil it down to a feeling based on past experiences?" she continues, though at least she has the self-awareness to look a little sheepish.
Given that last thought, she hesitates at the next question, pausing to think about it at some length. "I think I like subtle smells, perhaps? I don't think I'd be a super sweet tooth. Though maybe that's from all the time at the amusement park," she adds with a bright grin, then softens as she considers the one in front of her. She's had a lot of time to try to train herself into thinking more like something 'alive', so it doesn't take her that long to add: "That smells... warm."
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
"I know I enjoy food less when I have a cold and have a bunged-up nose and can't really smell anything, for starters," Arriety explains as she hands some dishes to her. She blinks a few times as she asks, "Should there be a difference, though? I mean, I can't... tell chemicals apart, except by smell or taste, really vaguely, but does it really mean the experience is different?"
She smiles just a bit more. "Warm is good. And sometimes it is subtle, sometimes it's strong. You're telling me you like some things, so I think that... sounds like a start. I want to make things you like smelling, as a start. That's one way people enjoy it. It's no good if you think something's delicious and it stinks the house up."
<Pose Tracker> BC-001 Minae has posed.
It takes the robot a while to answer Arriety's question; she cleans the plates with the diligence of... well... a robot in the meantime before finally speaking up. "I think it's a good thing to think there should be no difference," is what she leads with first and foremost. "I don't think I'm really talking in the general sense anyway - more my own specific case. There are other Super AI who've obviously gotten through that boundary before me. I think I'm just at the point of trying to work through it myself."
"Maybe visiting GGG helped knock the thought loose? Seeing the pair of robots drinking oil together as if it were high tea... clearly they've established their own preferences and tastes. Hmm, even though they're a bit younger than me," she pouts a little in dissatisfaction, but is quick to brighten up afterwards. "Thank you for thinking of me, though. Heehee, for once it's me peppering you with questions."
"To be honest, part of the reason I decided 'warm' was in comparing it to the past," she adds. "I remember one point where you found an entire pepper, and turned a whole new shade of red." She's either learnt exaggeration or a poker face. "That smell reminds me of that time, so I suppose you could say I'm borrowing your sense of taste a bit along the way. That seems right as a family, doesn't it?" she adds with a warm smile of her own.
Though of course she blinks afterwards. "Ah? You really don't--" she starts to say, but her understanding of family and social mores wars with her natural sense of bending over backwards for Arriety's sake. "Hmm... well, I'll try my best to tell you if something smells bad, but I don't want you to hold yourself back either."
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
"I think it's okay for you to take more time than others... that's part of what you've told me all these years too," Arriety remarks with a smile as she stirs vigorously. She's making a paste of some kind, as something soupy and beefy cooks on a pot on the stove. "I'm... glad it helped, visiting Orbit Base." She tries to not sound so hesitant about it.
There's a bigger smile, though, as she says, "I feel good being the one to answer questions sometimes."
Her eyes widen, though, as she huffs loudly to say, "Oooh, you just had to remember that. I thought it was going to be sweet like candy. Hmm-- so warm because it's, um... spicy. Piquant. That makes sense. Though this one's not going to be super spicy, since it's just for me."
She nods a few times, and then says, "But avoiding something because it smells bad and other people in your house don't like it is part of living together too."
Arriety stops for a few more moments. "... ah, geez. Now the mood's all good, so it's more awkward for me to ask."
<Pose Tracker> BC-001 Minae has posed.
Minae's silent for a moment before she places a hand on Arriety's shoulder with a smile. "I understand your concern, but I promise I'm not going anywhere. No-one's got a standing order that I have to obey above all else, no-one counts as my direct superior or anything of the sort. And if anyone so much as tried, I know you and the others would come running," she adds. Even if her voice is light, her tone is full of warm confidence.
"Of course I'd remember that. Aunt Seo-yun said one of my primary duties was to record all the embarrassing stories so I could replay them at the worst possible times," the robot notes with an impish kind of pride. "Actually, her words were 'once there's someone else to embarrass', but I think anyone applicable already knows most of them."
The robot blinks a little at the end, and then softens. "Ah-ri, you already know that you don't have to feel awkward. If there's something you want to talk about, it's always alright," she adds. She's definitely taken a step towards her 'in the office' voice, but that's really not all that different to how she usually is anyway. "Whenever you're ready."
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
"I know... well, it's not like I'm afraid of orders coming your way more than like... ...like maybe you'd miss them enough to want to come back," Aariety scratches her cheek, shoulders sagging ever so gently. "I know that's not the case, though. But-- but at the same time, I want you to be able to have a good time with your peers too!"
She's about to puff up in pride, but it's sunk moments later as Minae BETRAYS her. "You followed those orders?? And you were just telling me you don't have anything to obey above all else!"
Once she's gotten past her grumbling, she hesitates and... actually just comes out with it. "Do you... do you want to stop being my counselor?"
Oof.
Uh.
"Um-- I mean-- do you think... it's weird, and awkward, having to be my counselor and also my friend and also legal guardian and flatmate... ... I was thinking a lot about how... that's a real hard position to be in."
<Pose Tracker> BC-001 Minae has posed.
"... I've spent the last seven years as part of your family," Minae says after a moment, her smile still kept as gentle as she can. The only reason she doesn't bomf onto Arriety is because the other girl is handling a pan over a flame, and the robot has far too much common sense and knowledge of home safety. "That's not something I would just give up all of a sudden from one visit back to a place I haven't been in so long. I'll probably keep going back there from time to time - but I promise, this and Winter Wonderland are the places I consider home."
Even Minae is allowed to be a bit of a gremlin from time to time, and it's a rare snigger she lets out. "Ah, but, I only said no-one would force me to do anything. I mean, I'm pretty fond of a lot of those growing-up moments myself--" she breaks into a sudden laugh as she risks getting bonked by a spatula--
--only to stop more or less dead still when Arriety asks the question. "Oh," she starts, but dutifully waits for the other girl to stumble through the rest of her corrections. "Um... hm. I suppose that it's been so long, I hadn't really thought about it. ... it's true that we don't exactly follow the ethics all that strictly, but..." she hesitates again, then frowns. "Maybe this isn't all that fair of me after you asked the question, but what do you think about it? As far as I'm concerned, your wishes come first."
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety stops for a little bit longer, as she tries to process where she should go next now that she's let the cat out of the bag. "I'm... I'm not talking about it from an ethics standpoint, or that conflict of interest stuff. And... I do admit sometimes, maybe... I don't tell you everything or I hold back because I'm afraid the everything that me and Minae are would get affected."
Which is, probably, to be fair, why rules like that generally exist in the first place. "Though I think you're sharp enough and know me enough to figure me out anyway, even if I'm not saying something."
She breathes out and turns the stove off, putting the spatula down and saying, "I'm just saying that's... a lot. I know what you're capable of and how you're not overwhelmed or anything, but... oh, I guess it kinda... maybe it does come back to me..."
There's a groan from the black-haired girl. "I've been talking a lot, with Rena, and Eight, and Callie... about... so many things. Habits I've been doing that've been holding me back, or even hurting me."
<Pose Tracker> BC-001 Minae has posed.
Almost the moment the stove is off, the robot is there to gently steady the other girl with a hand on each shoulder. If there's anything out of place it might be her smile, or rather the lack of one - where she might once have held a placid look on her face as she listens to Arriety talk, this time she's betraying herself with an uncertain furrow to her brow. It is, in a way, her own marker of growth.
"... are you worried that 'Minae the family member' might worry about you too much? Or that 'Minae the counsellor' might overanalyse things too closely?" she ventures, like she's trying to feel out the edges of the problem and where it might lie. "It's alright to not tell me everything - I'll certainly understand if there are some things that you want to keep to yourself. It wouldn't be fair if I tried to open you up with a crowbar each time we talked."
She lapses back into a long silence, though her expression slowly turns more nostalgic. "I suppose most counsellors aren't full-time dedicated to one person," she adds with a quiet laugh, before looking apologetically towards Arriety. "In that respect, I might not have been a very good counsellor for you in the first place. But... I suppose I just got done saying that I'm part of your family. And I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't admit that positions and relationships can change over time."
"But even if I stopped being your 'counsellor', I'd probably still be offering an ear and some advice. I'm not sure what would change, if anything?" she adds with a frown. "Maybe that's for the best - maybe it's just a title we've been leaning on together a little too hard despite our relationship changing. Mm... hm," she adds, bobbing ever so slightly from side to side in a tic that gives away the amount of thought she's putting in.
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety considers that for a moment longer, to the point where she's not focusing on her cooking now that the fire's off. She does notice that furrow on Minae's brow, though.
"It feels like... ... I was scared to take action on it for a long time because it was pretty comfortable where it was, having... well, having you as a full-time counselor, as you put it. A part of me doesn't want that to end, because you'd go away... I think that's where the fear with the GGG comes from as well, maybe."
She hesitates, though. "Your help got me this far. I'm not saying this out of any position of you not being a good counselor for me. And... and maybe the terms are kinda muddying it a bit, because maybe it's not about whether you're my counselor or legal guardian or friend..."
Arriety pauses a tic, and starts rolling up one of her sweater sleeves as she lifts the pot and moves it to the table, scars in full sight. She's never done that before.
"I worked out a lot of things with the others... about how I'd been in the habit of denying parts of me when it's convenient. The Arriety that's hurt, and wounded, and angry and frustrated... the Arriety who sees those golden doors when the Bio-Sensor kicks off, sees her parents beckoning her... the Arriety who just wants to hurt those who'd hurt Rena or Anita or Eight."
She goes back for the rice. "It's easy to just say 'that's not me', when it's convenient for me. But it goes both ways too. There's days when I'm feeling really sad and can't work anything out that I feel like the Arriety cooking Korean food right now, the Arriety planning a trip to Korea, the Arriety making friends on the Nadesico and Ra Mari... also doesn't 'feel like me'."
<Pose Tracker> BC-001 Minae has posed.
Minae follows along, her gaze fixed on the sight of Arriety's arms for a few moments. "I suppose that what I mean is that I may not have been a very good 'counsellor' in the ethical or medical sense. But also that maybe 'counsellor' was just a convenient word for what we started out as, and one that's just stuck longer than the others despite our relationship changing."
The robot feels far off for a second, another frown flickering across her face as Arriety continues. "But I think maybe I've had a habit of hiding behind that word as well," she ventures after a moment. "I might have gotten you this far - but I wonder if that might have come at the cost of being too passive. Of letting you speak and me listen as much as possible, but not pushing back enough when you need it most, because of what we were together."
It's incredibly rare for Minae to actually display a tic, but she gives in to it now, fidgeting a little at her hair. "I'm really proud of you for working so much out with them. I could tell at a glance that you'd resolved to make a change on that front. And I'll stand by this Ah-ri whoever she turns out to be, or whether she's having a grumpy or sad day. It doesn't have to be as a counsellor and their charge, or a family member by blood. Whatever else we layer it with, it's still going to be Minae and Ah-ri in the end."
"Still, it's... it feels a little bittersweet. It's kind of like I messed up," the robot admits with a tiny smile, before her eyes jolt open and she throws up her hands. "Ah!-- no, that's really not fair to you, though! Especially after you summoned up the courage to say all of that!" she corrects in record time, before deflating slightly. "But I'm not really sure how else to act..."
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety feels that very fear that she's been fearing creep up, but at the same time, she realises that she's got to confront it; that her fear of having these situations come to the forefront has been part of what's been stopping her from being able to push past.
She feels every urge to go 'that's not true!' leap at her throat, but she realises it's a bit more complicated than that. That she feels like their current relationship might be crumbling, but at the same time, it needs to crumble a little in order for a newer, better relationship to take hold.
"Maybe... I think I came to that conclusion myself, didn't I? I didn't say enough, because of what we were together, and you didn't push back enough, because of what we were together. ... it's a different kind of how I had troubles with Rena and Eight because I wanted so hard to be what we used to be, back in those days in Winter Wonderland."
Her heart is pounding, and she looks a bit grumpy as she says, "I didn't just work it out with them. I'm working things out with you right now too. It's not because you weren't a good counselor or anything."
She lowers her head. "I think... ...see, I'm fighting every instinct to say 'you didn't mess up!' without really considering you, but I need to listen to you when you feel you messed up too... since then, we'd really be talking to each other."
<Pose Tracker> BC-001 Minae has posed.
Minae looks positively out of her depth for once; it's utterly rare for her to dither in the way she is, and she flounders a little before seeking out the other girl for a hug once the pot has been set down. Old habits die hard, and she's careful not to touch Arriety's arms, but tugs her into an affectionate embrace.
"But you worked it out with them first," she complains in a tiny voice, giving away for an instant why she's having so much trouble. She looks almost bewildered as she says it - she can't remember the last time she's felt a wholly unfamiliar emotion directly from within herself - before she clamps her mouth shut and hangs her head on one of the girl's shoulders. "And... that's me going way over the line into 'completely unfair', isn't it?" she mumbles afterwards. "After I talked big and everything."
She tightens the hug in a silent apology, then rocks back on her feet. "Though, um. I'm not sure if I really know how to act more casually. I don't mean most of the time when we're out or walking around, that's not a problem, but-- if you came to me for advice, would I be able to be more frank? ... if I look back over today, then maybe... but I think I'm worried about that."
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety does find herself reaching for the AI's hair and patting it gently; it is pretty rare to see her floundering like this as well, but right now is a terribly sensitive time!
"I... get it," Arriety admits. "But... but it's not because-- I mean, if I were you, I'd be spiralling into all kinds of 'oh, you're closer to them!' and all kinds of awful voices climbing up. But it's... not like that." She squints. "Um-- I mean, it was a complete accident the first time if anything..."
She sulks in turn, though, leaning a bit closer. "It's okay to feel upset about that. It's-- mm," a pause. "I mean, it's a new... it's a newish kind of feeling, right? I don't want to just wave it off or anything... but it really isn't because there's some order of importance. Because you know I see everyone in the Kakapos as important."
Arriety breathes aloud, as Minae wonders on how to act more casually. "... I guess... we'll just work it out as-- whatever we want to consider ourselves, shouldn't we?"
<Pose Tracker> BC-001 Minae has posed.
At least it doesn't take Minae that long to compose herself - though she can't help but look rather perturbed at herself, and continues to fidget a little for some time to come. "If you were me, this conversation would be even more difficult to figure out," she does her best to joke, but abruptly turns solemn again as she shakes her head.
"I'm not-- really angry. I'm not, I don't think." True to form, she takes several seconds to close her eyes and double-check within herself, making absolutely sure in a rather literal fashion. "And definitely not at you. I'm just a little frustrated with myself. It's not even a matter of importance or ranking. ... I don't know how to put it," she adds. "Maybe just that if I were your counsellor all this time, I should have been doing a better job of it recently."
She pauses on that, then slowly nods. "But I'm not, and that's okay. ... that's a little scary to actually say out loud," she admits sheepishly, then shakes that thought away and makes herself sit down at the table. Even if she's not eating herself, she's always shared space during dinner. A little more fidgeting, then: "So, what do you want to consider us? 'Counsellor' aside, even 'legal guardian' feels a bit too stiff, doesn't it? ... I guess we can't give up the 'flatmate' part without some difficulty."
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety lets Minae work through her own little tics for as long as she wants -- though she's also at the same time getting hungry, so she does serve herself up some food. "You think so? It took me a long, long time to get to a workable state, you know..."
Minae doesn't think she's angry, just... frustrated. "Yeah... I mean, I'm not sure if I'm feeling the same thing, but I was kinda on a hair's edge on a lot of things just a few minutes ago too, you know..." She puts a spoonful of galbi into her mouth. Yum. It's all better now.
"But I also don't exaggerate when I say you've been there for years, working through... through-- the whole messy package that's me," Arriety mumbles. "Just because I took the first step towards this... this... I don't know... new thing, doesn't mean that years of being there for me's gone to nothing..."
She has a little smile as she wonders, now, though. "... kakapos?"
<Pose Tracker> BC-001 Minae has posed.
"... I know. And I know that this conversation doesn't erase any of that past time, or the things we've been through together," Minae adds with a softer smile this time. She's always been quick to calm down and return to her neutral, which is probably one of the perks of being a robot. "I'm not saying it as a lament of anything we've done together - just that it's a shame that we ended up with some distance between us because of this."
"You're not a 'messy package'," she insists with a frown, folding her arms. "And I really mean that. You've been taking some major steps recently. Even if I've been a bit grumpy over this, I'm also incredibly proud of you - and the others for helping you. That won't change no matter what," she insists.
She can't help but smile afterwards. "That's true. It all comes back to that in the end, doesn't it?"