2022-06-12: When We Truly Look At Each Other
- Log: When We Truly Look At Each Other
- Cast: Arriety Hearn, Rena Lancaster
- Where: Ra Mari
- Date: 12th June 2022
- Summary: Rena comes for a visit to Arriety's room. They have a meaningful conversation!
<Pose Tracker> Rena Lancaster has posed.
It's later in the evening on the Ra Mari, and Rena is going to see Arriety.
She feels a little awkward about it. This relationship is newer than the one with Eight. She isn't really sure what she is doing some days -- but they resolved to figure it out together, even if it means they stumble sometimes. And, well, there hasn't been a lot of time to spend together in the past couple of weeks...
So Rena decided to make up for it. She has a couple bottles of sweet, dessert-style liquers with her. She stops in front of Arriety's door, then buzzes it once.
"Hey, Ah-ri?" she says. "It's me, Rena. I thought we could... um... you know. Things!"
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety's making good on that promise to try some things, and she's also fallen afoul of breaking Federation regulations because her room's terminal has been abruptly modified to be able to accept space HDMI for a handheld. There's a pair of free-floating remotes and a mysteriously rectangular console in front of her, docked in the space where the screen should be flush.
"Oh-- hold on, come in though," Arriety remarks as she gets up. By the time Rena comes in, she's in the middle of putting on a sweater to hide her arms, but she's not wearing gloves at the moment. The damage is evident, but not new to Rena. "Rena," she smiles quietly, looking a bit tired.
<Pose Tracker> Rena Lancaster has posed.
Rena's seen the scars on her fingers before. She looks at them for a second, but only a second -- even if a part of her wants to look for longer. She looks at the other girl, her head tilted to the side for a second. Then, she holds up both of the bottles. A little grin crosses her face.
Her grin looks a little more mischievous, with the short hair she now sports. She smiles at her. "...Wanna drink sweet booze and hang out until it's way too late?"
@emit %tArriety -- pauses at Rena's look, then smiles a bit more wanly to say, "You don't have to look away. I don't mind. It's you, after all." She holds her hand up, flexing her fingers once in a while. "I've been thinking about the surgery again lately... it'd be such a big thing, though."%r%r%tRena's grin and her bringing up the bottles makes her happier. "That sounds great. I didn't think you'd be the type to just bring booze around the ship," she chuckles.%r%r%tThere's a game being played behind her. It looks like a visual novel of some kind; a girl's being sad as snow drifts around her. She's telling someone to not go.%r%r%t"... I've... been doing a lot of thinking, since that party... talked to Eight and Annie too..."
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety -- pauses at Rena's look, then smiles a bit more wanly to say, "You don't have to look away. I don't mind. It's you, after all." She holds her hand up, flexing her fingers once in a while. "I've been thinking about the surgery again lately... it'd be such a big thing, though."
Rena's grin and her bringing up the bottles makes her happier. "That sounds great. I didn't think you'd be the type to just bring booze around the ship," she chuckles.
There's a game being played behind her. It looks like a visual novel of some kind; a girl's being sad as snow drifts around her. She's telling someone to not go.
"... I've... been doing a lot of thinking, since that party... talked to Eight and Annie too..."
<Pose Tracker> Rena Lancaster has posed.
"Hey, if you want to," Rena says. She always thought Arriety should, if she wanted -- even though it would be a big thing. She walks in, her eyes briefly on the visual novel. She never quite got into them, but she liked watching Arriety play them.
She smiles a little -- and she walks in, with a shrug of her shoulders. "I can break rules, sometimes," she says. "And, technically, I maybe made sure I submitted a request for leave for tonight and tomorrow."
She turns around, then. The party--
Right. Rena blinks her eyes once, before she nods at Arriety. She remembers some of the things she felt from Arriety that night. "...Yeah?"
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety smiles awkwardly and points to the screen. "After that time in Tsutsujidai when you mentioned you messed with your personal screen to play games, I asked Lavhi for help. He said it wasn't really regulation, but then it happened anyway. The Ra Mari's just that kind of ship."
She chuckles very quietly, and then says, "Wow, two days off? Were you going to do anything particular with them...?" She pops the little bottle open and takes a sip, making a face-- "Oh wow, it's strong *but* sweet. Weird..."
She stops and twiddles her thumbs.
"... um. I knew that lady was being really aggressive on you. I didn't like that one bit. I got pretty angry myself and said some things, and..." Arriety pauses, sucking in a breath as she tries to sort her thoughts. "I've been... um. Working it out. How... sometimes I just kind deny parts of myself, tell myself and others that's not a real part of me."
She hesitates, but gains courage as she drinks more of that sweet alcohol. "I had this bad habit of being scared of the angry, frustrated, despondent me... I'd shut it away and think it was just a fluke, it wasn't real. That just bottled it all up further."
<Pose Tracker> Rena Lancaster has posed.
"A-Ah-ri, um. I came to your room with alcohol and told you I took two days off," Rena says, her cheeks flushing red. She looks to the side, one finger curling some of her shortened hair around it. "I-I think it's kind of obvious who I'm trying to spend it with..."
She looks back, then -- and blinks. Lahvi helped her with that? That sounds like him. She glances at the screen, and smiles, and then she looks back at Arriety. She watches, as she talks, and then she lowers her currently unopened bottle.
"Ah... yeah. I felt how angry you were," she says. "And... I wasn't sure what to think of that." She steps a little closer to her. "Maybe I was a little scared of that, even. Like... that I was behind you feeling that way."
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety smiles just a little bit wider at that as she leans against Rena, saying it should be obvious who she plans to spend time with. "Eight as well, I hope...?" It's teasing and light, though.
She reaches to her nightstand and pulls out a set of thinner gloves, putting them on gently, wedging the bottle between her legs as she does so. "Mm... sorry if I put you on the spot too..." A little scared, she says. But... she was behind her feeling that way.
"Do you feel... bad because you think I shouldn't, that it's wrong?" Arriety asks gently. She pauses for a moment, then says, "I explored this a little with Callie and Eight, and... well, I kinda came to the conclusion... yeah... there's an Ah-ri in me that's hurting, angry, confused... the Ah-ri who in the middle of battle sees her parents beckoning to her, behind those golden doors."
A hesitant pause. "The Ah-ri who felt kinda good hearing the kaiju squishing the drama club who bullied her, on that day. I used to push that part of me aside, thinking it's awful, it's bad, it's no good..."
She drinks some more. She's taking it kinda swift now. "But the opposite's true too, when I have really bad days, when I feel really down... it feels like the good in me that I've done doesn't feel real either. The Ah-ri that's been-- making banchan with Miss Howmei, the Ah-ri who wants to go to Korea and see how it is, the Ah-ri that's your childhood friend who's happy to play games and cheer you on at Dozoo Degwa..."
She smiles just a little bit quietly. "Eight put it like -- I'm the whole messy package. Can't just pick and choose which bits of me I wanna say are real."
<Pose Tracker> Rena Lancaster has posed.
"Hey... you don't have to," Rena says. She reaches a hand down, fingers on Arriety's hand -- scars and no -- before she finishes getting a glove on that one. "I don't mind, if you don't."
Then, she blinks. Her eyes glance to the side at the question, as she considers. She hesitates for a second. "A little," she says. "I don't want you to feel like you should. It's not that I don't think you shouldn't. But I wish I could protect you from it. Except..."
She sighs, and closes her eyes, and then watches Arriety. She's drinking a lot; Rena has one drink, her first, and she considers for a second.
There are some ugly feelings underneath Arriety's exterior. She knows that; she has always known it, feeling some of the things that come to her mind, and then they end up shared with Rena. It comes part-and-parcel with being a pair of Newtypes.
"...The whole messy package," she repeats. "That's true. Eight's smart about these sorts of things. Smarter than I am, I think. I guess..."
She looks down. "...I've felt like I'm supposed to make sure you only have to feel the good things," she says. "To support you, to keep you safe. Except that I can't do that anymore. And..."
She breaks from Arriety's red eyes. She has more to say, but she doesn't quite get it out yet.
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety pauses, then quietly nods as she sets those gloves down and puts them away, with a bigger smile on her face. Ungloved it is. But Rena's answer to her question has her stopping to think about it. She wishes she could protect her from it...
"I don't think that's the case," Arriety answers. "I think you're both smart about feelings in your own way. Like... I think you're honest in a way that I admire," she smiles warmly. "Besides, when it comes to feeling, there's not just one right way forward, right? Just finding what works for us."
She stops to consider what Rena says after, and slowly reaches for her hand and starts to squeeze it, her thumb bumping against the back of her hand as she rubs gently.
"... I know. It kinda... it used to be like that in childhood, and even growing up. I used to be able to cope very little with that kinda bad stuff, that I grew bad habits too. And... that's not fair on you too, feeling like you have to do that for me, that kinda pressure."
She lifts Rena's hand up gently. "... I appreciate your support, of course. I still want it, as we grow up. But I've come to realise by now... coming to the big and scary world, that's wonderful sometimes, and violent other times, that I shouldn't shelter myself from the bad things I feel. I need to face it, at least, even if I don't understand it... even if it's hard, even if I stumble along the way."
<Pose Tracker> Rena Lancaster has posed.
Rena smiles a little. Her fingers move to brush, lightly, Arriety's. She doesn't take her hand quite yet, though. They are having a serious talk, and they should focus on that for a moment.
She takes another sip of her alcohol, as she looks at Arriety for a moment longer. She smiles back at her. "Yeah," she says. "What works for us."
She curls her fingers around Arriety's hand. Her skin is smooth under the other woman's thumb. She looks down at their hands, then back up at her as Arriety lifts their hands.
"Mm."
It's not fair to her, she knows. She tends to do a lot of things that aren't fair to her. Rena has made a habit of having a very bad habit: doing what she thinks others need of her. "I want to support you," she admits. "But I can't be like I used to be... and be your girlfriend, too. Since... I'm not as put together as I liked to pretend. But there's more than that."
She looks at Arriety, and finds herself staring into those eyes that are too red. "Sometimes, it scares me when you're... the way you're angry. The way it's stood out more, since Myrme came into the picture. But, before then, I saw you as... as someone younger I had to protect. And it was hard to see you as an equal, because I had to make sure you didn't fall down."
Rena hesitates. "But then I look at those red eyes of yours, that are terrifying -- and beautiful -- and terrifyingly beautiful..." She smiles warmly. "...and I want you, and it's got nothing to do with protecting you."
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety keeps her hand on hers, since it seems to help her focus through this serious talk. The smooth way Rena's thumb feels against her... not as smooth thumb -- but that's part of the whole messy package too. Not feeling like she has to hide everything.
"I don't need things to be the 'way they used to be'... that's what I came to realise, when I was at first clinging so hard to those days that used to exist," Arriety reassures. "If I cling so hard to those days I end up losing you, what's the point?"
She breathes in hard. The way she's angry, the way it's been more pronounced... the way she felt like she needed to protect her from that.
"... mm. I get it. And... maybe I've known that for longer too, I just kinda... didn't want that to end, back then. So I was being pretty bad too. But that's caused us to not really be able to move forward, hasn't it?"
There's that hesitation, then Rena says something very lovely. "... mmm... I'd like you too, Rena," as she rests to one side of her. "I want to be the one to protect you sometimes too, as equals. Is that okay?"
<Pose Tracker> Rena Lancaster has posed.
It's not as smooth. Rena can't really call the scars beautiful -- or even that pleasant to touch -- but they're not a horrid thing to run from. Better to not cover them. She slides her fingers between Arriety's, feeling more of them. Her hand squeezes hers.
"Yeah," Rena says, quietly. "I'm not who I was, back then. And if I try to be... I'll disappoint everyone. Myself included."
She hesitates for a moment, and she falls quiet while Arriety speaks. Then, she nods her head. "Yeah," she agrees. "We've had trouble with that. Sometimes it feels like... we're still trying to be who we were."
She looks down at her, then, watching Arriety rest against her. She hesitates, before she pulls back. She lifts Arriety's scarred hand, then puts it on her cheek, palm against it. Rena's brown eyes close, and her hand falls away from Arriety's.
"I'll rely on you, Ah-ri," she says.
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety is probably going to keep covering them in public, but the fact that she can at least show them around private, intimate company is a major step forward. Where it counts the most. "I think that goes double for me. Trying to be who I was, in the life I am right now... that's run me into so many problems."
She breathes in a bit deeper, and nuzzles her head a bit closer to Rena's shoulders. "I think it's kinda natural, when things feel... scary, we try to run back to the closest thing we find familiar. But sometimes, that doesn't work anymore..."
She blinks once, but then smiles as Rena pulls back and lifts her hand, to rest against her cheek. She brushes her hand in turn, smiling.
"I'll do my best, Rena."
<Pose Tracker> Rena Lancaster has posed.
It's different, anyways, in public. There are people that Arriety doesn't know at all, who would look at them and feel any numbers of emotions. In private, though, it's quite different.
Rena smiles, as she looks down at her. "Yeah," she says. "It is. And... I don't regret those days. I don't regret the time we spent. Even if we have to keep moving now."
She smiles. Her eyes stay closed, as she feels Arriety's fingers against her cheek. Her eyes open, and she shivers, as she looks back at Arriety.
She hesitates for a second -- then she closes her eyes again, and Rena leans forward and kisses her. She didn't ask, this time, but she doesn't worry as much that it's a bad idea.
(Maybe a little.)
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
"I won't ever forget them. Every little bit, happy and sad and funny and upsetting..." Arriety fondly says. She pauses for a moment longer, as she feels Rena shiver, glancing forward again as Rena goes for the kiss. There's a wider smile before she accepts it, and their lips meet.
"Mm," she quietly breaths out after. "Kisses are... meaningful, aren't they? Sometimes I've wondered what the importance of lips touching are, but... I think I kinda get it."
<Pose Tracker> Rena Lancaster has posed.
"I won't, either," Rena says. "And I don't mind that we can revisit them, together." Even if they're moving past that, they aren't leaving that behind.
And then they kiss.
"Mm..." Rena sighs, and it's a slightly different sigh than Arriety's. She looks flustered, afterward, before she smiles.
"...yeah," she says. "It's, um--it's a lot of things." She hesitates, and her eyes glance to the side. "I... like it a lot. I mean--not just kissing, just--" She flushes a little bit more. "It... means a lot to me. When I get to kiss you. I don't know if it's the same for you..."
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety knows, even without having to say it, that those days together will always be the core foundation of their... everything. Their friendship, their love, their bonds... it goes for all of them -- not just Arriety and Rena.
There's-- a little laugh from Arriety, as she says, "I think... mm. Well, I've said before, last time we talked about this... sometimes I'm worried I won't be enough for you, since I don't quite... feel those things. Like at that Sheryl Nome concert, those things don't... really, um, what's the word. Turn me on?"
She tilts her head. "But it doesn't mean like I feel nothing when kissing you. Maybe I don't feel the same things, but I feel important things. And that means a lot to me."
<Pose Tracker> Rena Lancaster has posed.
"You're enough for me," Rena says, with a shake of her head. She hesitates, for a moment. "I don't think we have to feel the same things. I think it's okay, if we're both getting something out of it." She tilts her head to the side, too; maybe a little unconscious imitation of Arriety.
"It's not... just being turned on, either," she says. "It's also seeing you smile, after. And the way it feels warm, and it's like... for a second, you're the only thing I can sense. I like that part of it, too."
She smiles a little bit more.
"Also, it's nice when it's... ah... you know. After a moment," Rena says, with a little laugh.
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
"Yeah. There've... there've been days when I don't feel like I'm 'normal', for not 'getting' it. Like, the-- ohh, what's the word," Arriety bites her lip. "Horny! That's the word." Oh no, she just recalled 'horny on main' from Rena, didn't she? "The way, I don't know, people get really flustered and blushy about Sheryl's butt. Like 'if I was a normal person, would I be feeling those things too'?"
A pause. "But it's like you said. It's... the way you smile, the way you shiver a little, the way I know I can sense how you're feeling and be confident in the warmth I feel... I like that too."
A longer pause.
"After a moment?"
<Pose Tracker> Rena Lancaster has posed.
"Mm, yeah... I've--I mean... you know me," Rena says with a sigh. She blows some air between her lips, blowing her bangs up above her head. Her brown eyes meet Arriety's red ones, then, and she shakes her head. "I don't think it makes you wrong or anything like that. I'm..."
She hesitates for a second, then, and smiles. Then, she nods her head. "Yeah. I like both of them. And... because it's with you." She moves closer to Arriety, then.
"...like a moment--um. Like a romantic moment," she says, quieter. "Like the one we just had. Kissing you after that, when my head's still swimming with thoughts, and feeling you sigh after we do. And when you catch the way I shiver..."
She shivers again, thinking about it.
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety chuckles again and says, "I do. And that's okay too, since I like it. It's part of... hmm, how do I put it. That honesty of yours? That's what it feels like to me. You're honest about what you want, what you want to feel..."
She scratches her cheek gently, and smiles. "A romantic moment... yeah, I think I understand that. Because, I mean, I still want to be around you and Eight... I want to be close, to be needed, to be important... when you said earlier how you wanted me, not just to protect me... that felt good."
<Pose Tracker> Rena Lancaster has posed.
"You don't mind it?" Rena says. She hesitates. "Sometimes I worry it's a lot--or, um, that you'd feel a pressure, or..."
She trails off, flushed again. It's a little closer to real embarrassment, now; it's not the kind that Rena enjoys, either. But she keeps herself from panicking. Instead, she smiles, and takes a deep breath. "...I'm glad. I think of you that way, Ah-ri," she says. "And I do want you."
She puts a hand over hers, then squeezes. "And I want you to want me, in your own way."
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
"I mean... I feel like the fact that you're a lot, sometimes, is part of your charm point," Arriety snickers gently. "But as for pressure... I mean, I trust you won't do something I'm uncomfortable with, and if I do, I can say that and you won't feel offended or anything. We might stumble, but we'll work through it, right?"
She draws in a deep breath as Rena says that. "Mm. I think... I'm starting to really understand wanting Rena for Rena. That's more meaningful to me than anything else in the world."
<Pose Tracker> Rena Lancaster has posed.
"You do?" Rena says, with a smile. One finger curls a little bit of her shortened hair around a finger again, and then she nods. "Yeah. We'll... we'll work through it, together."
She hesitates for a second more, when Arriety answers her. She flushes -- her cheeks reddening -- and then she leans in closer to Arriety again. "Ah-ri..." She stares for a second, at a loss for words, then puts her arms around her. "You know that's protecting me, too, right? In a way?"
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety chuckles softly and tilts her head the other way. "By the way, I like the new short hair. I don't think I've had a chance to say it." Even if Rena kinda had to do it because of an accident... well, the outcome is all the better one, as far as she's concerned.
But she sees the way Rena reddens, and quietly wraps her arms around her. "I think so... not just-- physically or socially, but also, um... you know. Emotionally too..."
<Pose Tracker> Rena Lancaster has posed.
"It's taking some getting used to, but..." Rena smiles at that, and there's a way she feels delighted at the compliment. Arriety can feel it; that warm pulse of happiness at the compliment. She tilts her head, and her pale ashen hair tilts with her. "...I'm glad you like it. I want you to."
She shivers, when Arriety's arms wrap around her. "...Yeah," she says, her voice quiet. "Emotionally. When I'm vulnerable, when you've said or done something that makes my heart race or puts me on edge..."
She moves closer to Arriety, her arms hugging around her tighter. "And it's with you. So I know I'll be okay."