2022-01-22: Personal Matters

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<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

Nothing about last night made sense.

Shinji Ikari woke up from a training session/chewing out to be fully armored, fighting monsters in a strange district of. Of Tokyo? But it didn't look like any Tokyo Shinji's ever seen. There were Ultramen and people from ZAFT and none of it made a lick of sense. Shinji would've dismissed it as a dream.

But the cut he got from Unit-01 is still there.

Shinji isn't normally what you would call a proactive person. But noone else is talking about this, and isn't that the job? Protect the world from dream sequences? Which is why Shinji Ikari is down in the old STORAGE locker, trying to figure out how the archival computer works. "This thing looks thirty years old." Shinji mutters, itching at his bandage. "Maybe it was new when the sub-commander was young."

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.


        It's part of the job, certainly.
        
        For his part, Kaworu has been intending on approaching Shinji again since the argument with Asuka--he'd just wanted to give him a little space first. After the incident in Tsutsujidai yesterday, it would be unwise to wait much longer. So, after giving it until dawn, he returned to Tokyo-3 and strolled through NERV HQ, dressed in his street clothes, following that familiar presence.
        
        When he finds him, it's in the archives, seated at an absolutely ancient computer, looking frustrated. Kaworu knocks on the wall just inside the door to alert the other Child of his presence before strolling in.
        
        "Hey there. We meet again, Shinji Ikari," he says with his usual easygoing smile. "What is it you're trying to look up?"
        
        He has a pretty good idea already, but it doesn't hurt to confirm.

<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

Shinji leans forward, finally getting some place with the computer. What kind of data system has open file directories anyway? There isn't a visual icon in sight. He feels like an explorer discovering a vast underground civilization where data structures are shaped like leaves.

He has headphones on, and is eating a cup of instant ramen because youth are impressionable. Kaworu may hear https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fdBTWbQEQ2s humming away.

Shinji doesn't move at first, and then he realizes there is a person here. He sort of twitches, realizes Nagisa was knocking, and looks up, as if caught doing something unsavory.

Kaworu can see the boy remember he's technically allowed to be here, and sag with relief. "Hey, Kaworu." Shinji says, and translators across the world argue about the implications of his casual inflection. "Don't mind me, am I in the way? I was just..."

Shinji trials off, unsure. "You ever hear of people sharing dreams?" 

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.


        Kaworu does hear. He's honestly fine listening, if from across the room, while waiting for Shinji to notice him. His smile deepens at the address, and he strolls over, hands in his pockets. "Not at all. Actually, I was looking for you," he says as he approaches. He doesn't explain why just yet--he does have a reason beyond simply wanting to see him--but for the moment, seeing him is indeed enough.
        
        He stops next to him, peering around at the computer screen and its outdated directory. In its own way, it's actually an excellent deterrent for would-be intruders. Few people know how to use these systems anymore. When Shinji trails off and asks about dream-sharing, he regards him anew.
        
        "Yes," he says simply, because it's the truth well outside of yesterday's incident. He reaches for a nearby chair and pulls it over to sit on, legs folding. As he does, his gaze shifts to the bandage on Shinji's forehead. When he meets his eyes again, his expression is serious. "That injury is fresh. What happened?"
        
        He had of course watched the battle yesterday, but for the results of it to have physically carried over... The implications are concerning, to say the least. 

<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

"Oh, this?" Shinji says, perhaps too deep in the reeds to be put off by Kaworu just sort of sitting down in a chair. His body language tenses up, he scrunches into himself a little, but that's about it. "That's why I know I'm not crazy. I had this..."

Shinji stops, wondering how much he can trust this latest asset of his Father.

But he has to tell someone. "...vision. Asuka was there, and other people. We fought these monsters, and they were...sad, I think. But one shot me in the face." Shinji shrugs as if this was a normal thing for a young man to say. "And Unit-01 left me a little present. Akagi says I don't lower my synch rate fast enough to anticipate hits. An Ultraman was there, so I thought I'd see if STORAGE had any info on the-"

Shinji blinks, taking his headset off. "Wait did you say yes? I-did they train you about this stuff in. Wherever you're from?" He kept avoiding the question, Shinji remembers.

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.


        Kaworu does at least leave a respectful distance between himself and Shinji. He doesn't remark on him tensing up, and he does listen closely as Shinji explains his side of the experience. He hums, a long and thoughtful sound, nodding as he then gets into his logic for being here and searching for the information he is.
        
        The sudden counter-questions get a soft chuckle though. "No, not at all. But it's not an uncommon subject of study. The psychologist Carl Jung theorized that Lilim are bound together by a genetic, ancestral memory he called the 'collective unconsciousness,' which allows them to tap into common imagery even across cultures and borders. This includes while dreaming, which could result in multiple people having the same dream. There's also the concept of telepathy--two minds communicating directly through thought--and the easiest way to study that is through recording shared dreams. It does sometimes happen that your dreams reflect what happens to your body while you sleep, too."
        
        He pauses. "However, it sounds like you don't think that's what happened to you. Based on what you describe, searching STORAGE's records is a logical first step if you want to better understand it. However, if you don't find anything, what will you do next?"
        
        He doesn't specify where he's from now, either.

<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

Shinji does notice, actually, and is about to press when he remembers that awful lunch. And how he hurt Asuka by assuming she was just being a jerk instead of being traumatized. Maybe Kaworu has a reason for being vague and kind of shifty.

He's also smart. "I thought Jung's work was debunked ages ago? I mean outside of video games, I guess. It is very romantic, your mind having this whole cast of characters inside of it instead of just being a bunch of malfunctioning chemical transmitters."

Somehow the irony doesn't kill Ikari dead on the spot.

"I haven't thought that far ahead. Maybe see what Asuka thinks, since she was there. I..." Shinji pauses, and screws up his face. "It's not like I can talk to many people here. We're pilots, all they want us to think about is following orders. I barely knew who any of those other people are, and they were mostly Federation pilots, right? It's not like we could communicate."

Shinji slurps some noodles, and his eyebrows quirk. "What's a Lilin?"

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.


        Maybe he does.
        
        "You didn't ask if I had scientifically acknowledged evidence of shared dreaming, only if I had heard of it before. Whether Jung's work is debunked or not, it does form a basis for familiarity with the concept," Kaworu points out. "It *is* romantic, though, isn't it? Being able to tap into the inherited memory of everyone who came before you means that you have their undivided support. It's a lovely idea of community of the soul."
        
        Shinji talks through his options. Kaworu nods. "Comparing your experiences with the Second is rational. Since, as you say, you didn't know the others who you saw there, it makes the most sense to start with her. I'm curious to hear what she might say, myself." Would she actually own up to having had the same strange experience? Or would she refuse to even discuss it? "Speaking of her, though... the way you say that, does that mean things have calmed down between you two since our argument in the cafeteria?" His eyebrows furrow slightly with concern. "I'd been worried about you."
        
        While Shinji may not have pressed about Kaworu's background, he does ask about his unusual vocabulary. Kaworu isn't fazed, though he takes a second to consider his response. "'Lilim' is... let's see... It's functionally a bit more broad than this, but you can consider it another term for 'humankind.'" He smiles. "Language often differs from people to people."
        
        That being said, he considers the other Child for a moment. Coming to an internal decision, he prompts, "Was there something you wanted to ask me, Shinji?" He also drops use of his full name for his given, now that Shinji refers to him by his own given name, too. 

<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

Kaworu's clarification is kind of irritating, the sort of nitpicking that Shinji feels misses the point a bit. It's also the most human thing he's gotten off of Nagisa since meeting him, and Shinji feels endeared by what might actually be a mild character flaw.

Ikari frowns a bit at 'human'. Kaworu being a Coordinator doesn't make him any less human and it's shameful to give that any credence. "Why?" Shinji says, honestly confused at Kaworu's worry. It's a little raw, and Shinji quickly covers it up as best he can. "..she's the one who has the thing for you or whatever that was. I guess girls go for that aloof, confidant deal."

"So it's a phrase from where you grew up?" Shinji does press a little, there. It's a natural part of the conversation, though, so it feels less like he's being a suspicious creep who grew up in a broken home and can't bring himself to trust even the most basic kindness from other people.

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.


        If Kaworu knew that was Shinji's take from his clarification, he'd be quite flattered. To be human is to be more like him. But, well... some things, you just aren't. No matter how much you might look like it.
        
        "Because you still seemed upset, even after we managed to withdraw that foolish bet. It must have been frustrating to have tried to resolve everything peacefully, but been unable to stop the challenge altogether," Kaworu explains quietly. "You're a kind-hearted person, Shinji. I don't want you to be hurt--especially not because of me." He lowers his gaze to the floor for a moment. When he looks up again, it's with a small smile that is nonetheless more concerned than anything else. "That's not all. You describe piloting the Evangelion as a burden you're nonetheless required to carry. Even so, when I challenged the Second's seat on Unit 02, you said that it was going too far. I acknowledge that I went too far there, but I worry it means you won't ask me to ease some of that burden from you when you need it."
        
        But then Shinji insinuates that Asuka might be attracted to him. Kaworu bursts into rich laughter. "If she does, she's going to be very disappointed!" he replies, tone and expression both rife with amusement. "But I don't think that was a matter of attraction. Even if it were, I don't think her pride would allow her to approach me like that again after I rejected her." He pauses, then adds, "Then your relationship with her hasn't been any more tumultuous than usual? I was also worried she might take her temper out on you like she was about to in the cafeteria." Not an unreasonable concern, considering it's Asuka.
        
        Shinji presses, and Kaworu's expression turns thoughtful. It would be simple to state a simple fact, but that isn't the kind of relationship he wants. So: "It isn't, but... Are you interested in knowing more about me?" He looks at first happy, then rueful. "Unfortunately, there isn't very much that I can tell you. For various reasons, my background is classified. I *can* tell you that I transferred here from NERV's lunar base, where I was stationed for several years... but I was born and raised on Earth." His expression softens. "Though I can't divulge much of my past, there is always the future, Shinji. I look forward to being able to share it with you." 

<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

A bitter 'you don't know me' is on Shinji's lips as Kaworu does his cold reading trick, but Shinji leans back. The older boy is trying to help him, in some vaguely uncomfortable way. It's just like talking to someone who's working from another script, in another language.

"I-" The intense, personal way Kaworu talks is getting to Shinji, a little. It doesn't help that.

That he's always wanted someone to just. Care about his well being. Without his having to do anything.

And maybe in a different part of his life he'd be able to take it in without thinking 'what is he getting out of this'? Even Misato took Shinji in to keep him in Unit-01 until reinforcements could be pooled in Japan. No one could care about Shinji Ikari without even meeting him. He's...dirty.

Shinji shakes his head, realizing he's been staring into space. "She's not going to attack me." Maybe. "I know Asuka's a lot, but there's a decent person under all of that. I've seen it. She's a victim of this place like everyone else in here." A long, sullen pause. "I don't understand this Coordinator stuff Kaworu. I know it's rude, but it's the truth; they never exactly went into the differences where I was raised. I thought it was just...gene editing. Making sure your kid didn't have freckles, or colon cancer. Whatever she offered you, it seemed to mean a lot to her, whatever 'subordinate' even means in this context, but no, she hasn't beaten me up like I'm the sad, bruised housewife in a soap opera."

"The Evangelion is personal. At least to me, but mine's a little busted." Shinji picks up on THAT implication, even if others Kaworu is laying down go over his head. "I can't. Ask someone else to pilot it. I mean, it's not even my call, it's sort of Misato's..." Shinji trails off, the brief flash of steel in his eyes fading back to timid, childishness. God it would be so nice to be free.

Shinji touches the cut and maybe, he thinks, he is battered. "I can't ask another kid to do this. If they order you too...if anyone should be free of Eva, it's Ayanami, anyway."

"...didn't ZAFT blow up the moon base?" Shinji says, vaguely remembering a report. "Oh. Oh shit, man. Here I am being...I'm sorry, I just get like this sometimes. You must've lost people, your home, and here you are just being nice to everyone. Are you okay?" Oh my God, Shinji thinks, I've been being a suspicious dick to a kid with space PTSD. 

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.


        For the long moments during which Shinji bites back bitter responses, tries to speak but can't, Kaworu simply waits. He watches, and waits, without interrupting Shinji's internal struggle. The look of concern on his face doesn't falter; it's wholly sincere, after all, whether Shinji trusts it or not.
        
        It's understandable that he would think that no one could care about him without even meeting him. He has no idea what Kaworu has been through--no *way* of knowing. It's not like Kaworu's about to tell him, either.
        
        "I suppose you do know the Second better than I do," Kaworu concedes during Shinji's pause, which is about the nicest thing he's willing to say about her. He doesn't try to argue with Shinji about whether she would attack him or not. However, as Shinji brings up Coordinator matters, Kaworu's eyes widen slightly, lasting only until his lips tug just a bit downwards. There are a lot of things he could say--lots of offers he could make, but... "Good," he concludes quietly, and leaves the matter of Asuka at that.
        
        Which of course still leaves the matter of Evangelions and piloting them. Kaworu continues to listen, noting the way Shinji touches his cut, hearing how he says he'd rather see Rei freed of the burden. He smiles ruefully, fondly, and muses it's just like Shinji to think of others before himself.
        
        "I'm here as a reserve pilot," he reminds him gently. "It won't last forever. Until then, I can at least ease your burden from time to time. I know that the final decision is technically not yours, but... I doubt Lt. Col. Katsuragi would deny your request. And I don't mind it. Truly. That said... I don't want to make you unhappy by pushing the matter, either. If you still say no, I'll leave it at that."
        
        He pauses in consideration then. Free of Eva... What a monumental statement. Could such a thing really come to pass--for either the First Child, or for him? "We are all three of us Children bound by fate," he muses. "But I understand. If you're worried about Rei Ayanami first and foremost, I'll keep that in mind."
        
        The topic then turns to his background, and Shinji--actually reacts in a way that Kaworu hadn't expected, though it remains very much like him. He smiles fondly. "It's all right. I'm fine," he insists. "And it wasn't as bad as you may have heard. ZAFT did indeed attack Tagbha Base, but we managed to defend against it. However, my Evangelion is still under construction there, and the attack raised concerns of keeping both an Evangelion still under construction and its future designated pilot in one place." 

<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.

Shinji listens, for a bit, instead of just biting back responses. He thinks he's a good listener; he's wrong, active listening is a skill and one Shinji Ikari is usually too self absorbed and self pitying to learn until it is what Kaworu might think of as 'too late'. But he's trying now.

Things are changing, quicksand under your feet.

"You don't want to feel useless." Shinji says, frowning. Because of the base, he feels, but that seems to raw, to real to say directly. "I guess I can get that. I wish you'd have just said it that way. I. Listen, man. My Unit-01." HIS Unit-01. "It's touchy, it's a little wild, but Rei's."

"Kaworu I know it sounds crazy but I think that machine hates her. I think it wants her dead." Shinji looks at his little meal. "So yeah, if you can give anyone a break, Ayanami. She doesn't deserve that. I don't know how anyone could hate her, even if she has lousy taste in role models."

A swallow. "And if you want to help." Shinji jerks a thumb at the computer. "Maybe give me a hand with this dinosaur STORAGE keeps their files on? I think this thing still works off of punch cards." 

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.


        For one whose consciousness perserveres across time and space, from one universe to the next, it's never too late. It definitely might be too late for an individual go-around, but he *is* trying now. It's a step forward. That's more than enough to give Kaworu hope.
        
        (For what? Happiness. Whose? ...whose indeed?)
        
        'You don't want to feel useless,' Shinji observes. Kaworu's smile flickers away, his eyes troubled. He doesn't want to feel useless...? ... "...Yes," he concludes quietly, and then adds, "Sorry."
        
        It's not because of the base. But how could he explain to Shinji, this Shinji, how many times he's failed the Shinjis who've come before him? No, he's burdened by enough. Some things are better left unsaid. This time, he *will* make him happy, even if it's him alone.
        
        As for the rest, Kaworu knows how and why Shinji might be attached to Unit-01, call it '*his*' Unit-01, even if he doesn't consciously know the reason why. The more important issue is the First Child's Unit 00. Kaworu listens as Shinji shares that he thinks it wants her dead, and nods at the end. He doesn't scoff or dismiss him. Some people might agree that it sounds crazy; Kaworu thinks that, while he doesn't know if Unit 00 *hates* her, it probably does on some level want her to stop existing as she is. Many would call such a state of being 'dead.'
        
        (Kaworu may be sorry for being unable to clearly convey his feelings to Shinji, but he's still going to be who he is. It's something they'll both have to struggle with.)
        
        "All right. I'll do what I can," he agrees. He unfolds his legs, prepared to leave Shinji to his hunt now that they've each said what needs to be said for now--but then Shinji reaches out by giving him a reason to stay. Kaworu pauses for a breath; his deeply fond smile returns.
        
        "It would be my pleasure," he says warmly as he pulls himself a little closer.
        
        They won't find any useful information about Tsutsujidai; it's a very recent thing, after all, and this is an ancient machine. But it won't be because of software issues. Shinji will learn rapidly that Kaworu is *very* good with computers.

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