2023-01-02: "I Can't Bring Myself to Hate You"
- Log: "I Can't Bring Myself to Hate You"
- Cast: Kaworu Nagisa, Ennil El
- Where: Junk Shop Aya, Tsutsujidai
- OOC - IC Date: 0097 01 02
- Summary: A meeting between Ennil El and Kaworu Nagisa was bound to be difficult. But the unexpected sometimes trumps the obvious.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
The incessant drizzle might dampen the spirits of some, but one Kaworu Nagisa strolls through the rain paying no more attention to it than he did the oppressive heat of Tsutsujidai's endless summer (now ended). This is good for anyone who needs to run errands across the city in an hourglass, something he's been more than willing to do since Tsutsujidai was cut off from the outside world.
Today he's bringing some materials to Junk for Rikka's rescue team: bandages freshly cleaned and cut, splints made from spare wood and scrap metal, and a special something else. Despite how unwieldy the cardboard box they're in is, he carries it under one arm (to protect it from the precipitation) with grace.
Walking into Junk Shop Aya isn't any particular effort for him, either. He opens the door with his free hand and slips inside. He's here to see Rikka, but she doesn't seem to be present. That's fine. Tucking his hand into a pocket, he strolls over to the door to the back, past the cafe counter, apparently completely comfortable with simply walking into Rikka's home whether she's here or not.
He won't be here for long, and he pays no mind to whoever is in the Aya that isn't one of the Takaradas, but someone who saw this might decide to stop and question him.
<Pose Tracker> Ennil El has posed.
Ennil's work in this space tends to be more technical in nature - Junk is long since repaired, but she's been lightly collaborating with several of the projects to make Tsutsujidai more sustainable, categorizing Aya's inventory of junk and rehabilitating it for use in things like Liam's garden project. Often, she does this at a remove, sending Vit or Borr to actually deliver the work, along with carefully typed notes on its intended use.
All of which to say that Ennil has been present, but not particularly visible, by design. And when Kaworu first enters, though there's a momentary tilt of concern, the NGJHS's new fifth member largely allows him to pass. Aya is a frequently visited place these days, with supplies coming and going all the time.
It's only as he moves towards that curtain that she thinks to catch his attention. Tilting the office chair she's working from very slightly towards him, she fixes the pale-haired boy in the corner of one of those deep blues, slowly assessing him. Yuta's age?
"You can set that out here, thanks. Or... are you a friend of the Takaradas?"
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Kaworu stops when Ennil calls to him, looking over his shoulder at her. "I am," he replies, though he turns and takes the box over to her anyway. When he sets it down, the top opens up slightly, and Ennil will be able to see the contents: besides the splits and the bandages, there's also... fashion magazines. They're not brand-new, showing some scuffs and tears here and there, but they're in readable condition.
"These are for Rikka," he says by way of explanation as he tucks his other hand into his pocket, the ends of his lips curved up in a faint but unmistakable smile. If Ennil's spotted him around other times he's come by the Aya, she'll have noted that he's always smiled those other times, despite the fact that he never seems to come by with an umbrella. Indeed, right now he's dripping a bit, though he seems fully unbothered by it. His voice is likewise calm and possibly familiar.
"I don't believe we've been introduced properly," he adds, meeting her blue eyes and assessing her in return with quiet, unshakable confidence. Hers is a presence he's noted many times in Tsutsujidai, though this would be the first time they've met face-to-face. Rather than introduce himself, though, or ask her for an introduction, he observes, "You've been spending more and more time here, haven't you?" And then: "Why is that?"
<Pose Tracker> Ennil El has posed.
Ennil peers over the box lid, giving the fashion magazines a curious look. It's not quite the owlish curiosity of something unexpected. It's more like she's putting an idea together in her head.
Kaworu has an easy time looking right at her. She lowers the tools in her hands, but her grip only slackens slowly. Eventually the pliers do come to rest, her fingers splayed out over the handle. The inside of her hand aches.
"I guess we haven't. You've been in here before." Is he assuming coincidence? It's not like everyone who passes here has any reason to know each other.
But she has been avoiding him. Maybe not in specific, but... Yeah, she knows this voice. The ``thoughtful one``.
"I like it here." It's a true answer, but maybe not a useful one. "Gridman's friends have given me a place to stay." More specific. "I wanted to help out."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
There are a lot of members of Rikka's rescue organization, and no official list of membership; it's just whoever shows up and tells Rikka they want to help, and then help out. By and large, that's no issue. He watches her as she lowers her tools, and doesn't say anything in response to her own observation. After all, she's correct.
But she is courteous enough to give an answer. He hums thoughtfully at the end of it. "I like it here, too. That's why I'm concerned," he replies, though his tone is in no way accusatory, merely matter-of-fact. "Then, to you, is this the help of a hospice worker nursing a terminally ill patient until the end?"
...It seems while he might not know her name, he certainly recognizes the power of the Dawn that has infected her. He spent quite a bit of time with Renais before she was purified, after all.
<Pose Tracker> Ennil El has posed.
It takes another few slow moments - but Ennil does bring herself fully around to face Kaworu dead on, and even manages a smile. It's thin, but that's what conversation looks like, isn't it?
"You have an annoying way of looking at people," she says, which is an odd way to start a friendly conversation. It is, however, just as matter-of-fact. "But it's a fair question. No. Tsutsujidai means... something different, to me." She sighs. Those blue eyes of hers wander a little more, though they find their way back to him. "I have reason to hope the people here succeed. I want Akane's life to be saved." The smile slowly twists. At least this expression is more honest.
"...I'm pretty rotten, myself..."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
It can look like that, certainly. Kaworu doesn't react to Ennil's first statement; he simply accepts it as her own way of looking at him, unbothered and unoffended. As she goes on, though, his eyebrows rise in curiosity, though his ever-present smile doesn't abate. "Oh? Even over the life of the universe?" he wonders.
Whether her smile is twisted or non-present, whether her eyes wander or remain on him, he doesn't seem bothered. Though his questions may be annoying--certainly probing, perhaps even uncomfortable--he remains relaxed. Despite, as he implies, he knows she ought to want him to die. Certainly she tried to kill him once already.
At the same time, though, when she calls herself rotten, he doesn't say anything to that, either. Not to condemn her too--or to reassure her that she's not.
<Pose Tracker> Ennil El has posed.
"Yeah. Stupid, isn't it." Her teeth tug at the bottom of her lip. "I know what I have to do but I'm scared to. I know what I want to do but it's selfish."
Her face sinks into her hands. She's a tall, graceful woman... but she can become so small sometimes.
"You hardly move. You just stare at me. You're so frustrating. Do you even have feelings? You - Gridman really cares about you, so you'd better..."
It's so bitter. She was starting to forget. She was trying to, anyway. Why'd she say anything? He would have just passed her by...
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
'I know what I have to do but I'm scared to. I know what I want to do but it's selfish.'
Ennil buries her face in her hands just in time to miss Kaworu's expression shift from its calm to a pensive, almost melancholy consideration. Though his smile only dims at first, when Ennil questions if he has feelings at all, it goes out entirely. For a moment, he says nothing, and the two of them remain in silence as Ennil trails off. Then he smiles anew, fainter than before, and seats himself on a nearby chair and folds his legs.
"I see. So you have a mission of utmost importance, but you're reluctant to carry it out because of your own personal desires. Even so, you know you must carry it out... and at the same time, you pretend you have forgotten, to keep from having to do so," he says quietly--and, if Ennil is listening, with sympathy. Maybe even empathy. "Don't worry. I have no intentions of forcing you to walk that path. If you want to turn your face away and pretend you don't see it, that suits me well. If you were to try to carry out your mission here, I would need to stop you, after all. I care about Gridman and Akane a great deal, too."
He pauses, still looking at her now with that sad smile. "I apologize," he adds then, and he does sound genuinely sorry. "I needed to know."
<Pose Tracker> Ennil El has posed.
"Eheh...he..."
Like so much of Ennil, the sound moves in two directions at once. A tense chuckle, or tears choked back... Without seeing her face, who could know?
"I care about them. I'm happy here." It's hardly a whisper. "The first couple weeks, I walked all over Tsutsujidai. It was healing. People doing wonderful things." Her shoulders rattle, and there's a little sniffle and cough. "I found a place to belong. Someone who cares."
She draws her face up, just enough, to see Kaworu sitting there. The shift in his expression... in his feeling. "I'm more scared than ever. I cling to him. I can hardly leave Aya. That... thing that hovers around Akane... said I'm chasing a miracle I'm bound to destroy." Her fingers are rigid, curled in the air - but they hang there, unwilling to direct violence at either Kaworu or herself. "It feels like all I've done is burden others."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
When Ennil starts to cry, or perhaps more accurately stilfes herself from starting to cry, Kaworu continues to watch her and listen with that sympathetic look. Through the crack that's opened in her heart, she pours out her fears and her hopes, and he accepts them without judgment. He doesn't question who she means by 'him' or 'that thing'; he's seen enough to know, or at least knows enough to reasonably guess.
"What Alexis Kerib says doesn't need to be true," he tells her gently. "The touch of the Dawn is something that can be washed away. You need not remain beholden to the compulsion it instills in you."
That's something Ennil might well know already. After all, GGG has not been quiet about its presence in Tsutsujidai. But there's a difference between knowing something and confronting it--and she no doubt knows that quite well, too.
What she might not expect is the hand that Kaworu pulls from his pocket and offers to her, pale fingers curled gently up and in as if to beckon her towards him. "If you're still afraid, I'll help you, should you wish it."
<Pose Tracker> Ennil El has posed.
Her head tilts. She studies him the way he's studied her - though with none of Kaworu's gift or long experience.
"It felt true..." She sighs, deeply. He brings up that topic. She wants to flinch away, or lash out - but so much of the fight has drained from her. "It can... But it won't happen without a fight. Our missions are opposed. If they come to me kindly, I'll only feel worse about the pain."
It's not pleasant to admit. It would feel much better to be someone who could accept that kindness. But would she have come to it this way if she could?
She stares at that extended hand for a long moment, tension leaking out of her own hands. She raises blue eyes to his, a somber look on her face. "Knowing that - do you still think you can help me?" A hand goes out, hanging most of the way... there's a tremble in her fingers. "I'd like to know how."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
"Things that feel true are not always actually true--a lesson Akane Shinjo must yet learn," Kaworu replies, himself unafraid of her probing gaze. He is here, as he is, and she may observe him as she likes. Whether she'll divine anything from just physical observation is another question, but at least Kaworu isn't one to fake his expressions or body language. He is an open book; it's just a matter of whether or not one can read the text within.
"There's nothing intrinsically wrong with fighting. A battle is a fine way to express one's feelings, make one's mark on the world, or test one's own self," he counters. "Not everyone can be reached with kindness alone. What's important is the willingness to open your heart to communicate clearly, whether that is with words, fists, or even mobile suits... though while we remain in this world of Akane's heart, I would prefer to avoid letting a battle reach that scale."
She starts to reach out, but doesn't quite take his own hand. He notes this, along with the tremble in her fingers. "I do. There are people here who have the tools to cleanse the Dawn from you, and the strength to meet you in battle and emerge victorious, as they did with Volfogg. Guy Shishioh and Mamoru Amami... I can take you to them and mediate for you. They are kind people, but also stout of heart. They're sure to meet you in whatever way you need to be met."
His hand is still outstretched. He waits patiently for her decision, whether it's to accept or reject. "As for me," he continues, "my name is Kaworu. Kaworu Nagisa."
<Pose Tracker> Ennil El has posed.
Studying Kaworu doesn't particularly tell her much - all the information is already there. But that does help put her at ease.
"I also... don't want to harm this place. Seeing it heal has meant so much to me. I hope people can remember that care when Akane can bear to face them..."
It's such a short distance. She wouldn't have to agree to much.
"It's hard to believe that the people I hurt won't come to hate me. I was able to accept that when I didn't care if they liked me." Slowly, her hand steadies... but that distance remains. "But I can't bring myself to hate you. Isn't that odd? Even though you still annoy me, a little." The tension in her arm... brings those hands down into her lap. She inclines her head, just slightly.
"Thank you. I've been agonizing over... the harm I might do, feeling this way. Right now, part of me is still hoping to forget. I hope you can understand..." When her head lifts again, the smile is strained, but... it's her real self behind it. It's hard not to at least try and match that openness. "It's nice to meet you properly, Kaworu. I'm Ennil El. I hope I can meet your friends, someday."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
"I share the same hope," Kaworu replies, his faint smile growing. "It seems you and I are similar in many ways."
He only feels more the same way as Ennil continues. His eyebrows curve upwards, and when she pulls her hand back to settle it on her lap, he says nothing, only tucks his own hand back into his pocket. Her admitting he still annoys her a little gets a small but sincere chuckle out of him, though.
She'd rather try to forget... He certainly can't fault her for feeling that way. He nods once, and the softness of his gaze may well make it clear he does understand, even if he doesn't say so out loud. She questioned before if he had feelings; perhaps that question is settled now, even if he hasn't made any grand displays.
"I have faith that you will. One day soon... on the day when your heart is prepared," he replies. He rises with smooth grace from his chair, hands still in his pockets. "Until the day comes, I will leave you as you are now, Ennil El." His smile broadens as he shuts his eyes. "Basking in the love of others feels good, doesn't it?"
And unless she stops him, he'll turn to stroll out of the Aya. Rikka isn't here and his delivery has been made--both the box, and his message.