2022-10-06: The villains seek therapy, and somebody died
- Log: The villains seek therapy, and somebody died
- Cast: Yuliana Dispersal, Elisa Kafim
- Where: The Institute for Continuing Study, Sri Lanka
- Date: 2022-10-06
- Summary: Elisa fills in for Yuliana's psychiatrist, and uncovers Yuliana's negative feelings about the REA man she's killed in the process. She helps Yuliana come to terms with her inhumanity, and Yuliana accepts the feelings Elisa must be feeling, too.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Dispersal has posed.
The Institute for Continuing Study -- the continuing study of one Yuliana Dispersal, though they obscure that with other projects -- naturally keeps abreast of the Captain's condition, particularly when she comes back injured. (It happens a lot.) Major Pham Van Vinh has asked them to see to her psychological debriefing, alongside her physical healing... and that's the purview of the psychiatrist Dr. Tian Fenhua, a warm and welcoming woman with a background in interrogation and reconditioning.
(You wouldn't know it to look at her, or even necessarily speaking with her. She's a subtle knife.)
Dr. Taisiya Petrov, the physician who handles much of Yuliana's direct care, reported everything to the line she was directed to use. It was an undecorated account. She's a hollow soul, these days, occupied solely with Yuliana's health. She's lost weight, but it's fine.
Dr. Petrov's colleagues have noticed her personality shift, certainly -- but Dr. Divya Devi, at the head of the Institute, is dismissive of any concerns. Evgeny Orlov, the head pharmacist, went missing after he asked one too many questions about it. Orlov Nam Minh, who shipped out to this job with his partner, has elected not to complain about his promotion -- but talk around the water cooler is that he's looking for the first transfer out. Even more insidious talk suggests he won't get the chance, because Dr. Devi has started looking for ephemeral concepts like 'grief' and 'vengeance'. It's highly unscientific. No one wants to be the next one to ask too many questions.
... and Yuliana, neither verb nor object, always plays the same role in the question.
She never really looks forward to these sessions. It's not that Dr. Tian is particularly rough, but... even so, it's an uncomfortable reminder of what the Republic requires. No more does she feel like a subject when it's her own thoughts that are subject to review. At this point, it feels like a failing.
Who's failing whom is getting to be more and more of an open question.
In her typical dark suit, a cheerful green scarf tucked about her neck, she sits on a plush leather couch. She waits; she is compliant. There are regenerative patches on her skin, under her clothes, but in many cases, the only hint is a little rise in her clothing where the dressings have been placed -- except for the patched wound on her forehead, exposed by the way her bangs have been clipped away with medical scissors. More obvious is the brace on her right wrist; the joint wasn't broken, but it was strained, and it needs some extra support. It lies in her lap, one hand laid over the other, knees pressed together.
The fingers of her right hand play at the ring on her left, and this, at least, brings her some comfort.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
The good news, such as it is, is that Dr. Tian is still alive and mostly intact. She hasn't been destroyed, she hasn't been eaten, and her will hasn't been completely crushed. No, she was simply... rescheduled.
Actually rescheduled, not REA-euphemism rescheduled.
No one has told Yuliana this, of course. no one has told most people this, to be fair. But it was very easy to get Dr. Petrov to do what was necessary, and to ensure that Dr. Divya Devi cooperated. There are many who are involved in the project... and really, most of them don't matter.
Because what does matter is seated in this room, with patches under her clothes, with a wrist brace, and with a cheerful green scarf tucked about her neck.
The door opens. From it steps a woman, and her heels click over the doorframe. And she turns out to be--
"Oh, darling." Elisa Kafim, noted doctor, steps inside and closes the door behind her. "Now, now, what have they done to you...?"
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Dispersal has posed.
Rescheduled! There's so much for a doctor to do in a day; Fenhua was surprised to see her priorities changed when she logged in today, but it makes fine enough sense. She has quite a lot of work to get done.
Click, click, click. Heels aren't so unusual, but in a clinical setting, Yuliana notices -- turns to the door, anticipation cresting in her heart. Elisa steps through, and relief breaks over her face like a brutal wave, smile spreading as her brow arcs. "Elya!"
Left hand to the couch, Yuliana pushes herself up -- and she's a little wobbly, just a consequence of the pharmaceutical cocktail she's on to fix her up, but she hurries to Elisa's side as she shuts the door. At once she wraps an arm around her, fingers to her shoulder, and Yuliana lifts herself up on her toes to match Elisa's heels, all in service of laying a kiss to her lips.
"Oh, Elya," she sighs, as she sinks back down, weight pressing into the other woman. "Thank God you're here -- thank you," she amends, with a breath. "They set me on that Zeon pilot -- she was like to crush the life from me -- please, just hold me a while, won't you?" Her voice is as fragile as her flesh, in this moment, tremulous and wounded. "I've had a dreadful time..."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
"Darling Yuliana," Elisa greets in turn, and notices that brutal wave of relief. Sure, she's wobbly, but suddenly Yuliana is there, and Elisa for one feels something that might be describable as relief. She wraps arms about the other woman and smiles, looking down. Thank... yes. Thank her.
That's more suitable, isn't it?
"I will," Elisa says. "As long as you need. I know it must have been awful! I heard reports... Of that terrible incident in..." Pause. "Terrington?"
"Well, the city doesn't matter. What matters is you! I am so glad you are safe. We shall see all this handled properly."
"We have time, at least."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Dispersal has posed.
"Torrington," Yuliana murmurs, into Elisa's shoulder. "That awful devil... didn't care she was hitting the city... yet they're cross at me for hurting her! She deserved it! She deserved every bit of it!" Her throat hitches, as she insists on the Shamblo pilot's guilt, and doesn't care a whit for her age or her circumstances.
She lists, against Elisa, leaning on her, relying on her. "From the start there were, so many of them... a-and then Amuro Ray shows up, of, of ALL people, how could he dare to show his face again, representing what he does?! No matter how much I consumed, always there was another waiting... I couldn't control myself, I... oh, Elya, they drive me to madness!" Yuliana certainly blames the Awakened for her state. This much is true.
Her voice wobbles; she's tearing up, there, face all buried by Elisa's neck. "A-and... and th--the Major knew," Yuliana chokes out, chokes on the stinging betrayal of it. "He knew I couldn't handle it... they sent me out there to r-ruin things... didn't even tell me! Like, like I'm just some... some... wild beast to set on them..."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Torrington, then. Yes. "I'm sure," Elisa says. "What a terrible girl, to upset my Yuliana so." And attack a city, but whatever. Who cares about that? "They should appreciate your contributions much more," she says soothingly.
"Amuro Ray..." Hmm. Even Elisa recalls that name. "I do not know how he could dare. And yet, he has. ...But t is not your fault. it is theirs, for gathering in their numbers, for having the temerity to infringe upon your space."
The Major...
Hmmmm.
"You are not. They are... unacceptable."
"What would you like to do?" she wonders. "I will destroy who you wish. Just tell me."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Dispersal has posed.
Yuliana sighs, sinking into Elisa. Her fingers curl at her shoulder; she hardly needs to hold herself up, here, beside her. "Mm," she agrees, she accepts, as Elisa orients so single-mindedly on her efforts, her space, and the fault of everyone but her.
Her face turns, gaze veiled through teal lashes, as Elisa declares Command unacceptable, asks what she'd like. "Oh, Elya," she murmurs, and she's grateful, but... "I... I don't wish to destroy them," Yuliana settles on, and it takes her, perhaps, a beat too long to decide. "It-- it hurts, but... this is the way of my people. Punishing them is as punishing a snake for its venom." The same venom running through her veins, to wit.
"Just... be here for me, please," Yuliana pleads, anew, fingers curling in. "I don't want to be alone."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa can hold Yuliana up as long as it takes.
But... Yuliana doesn't wish to destroy them, and Elisa does not entirely understand, but she does hear it. "Hmmm..."
Elisa considers, and Yuliana pleads her request, so... oh, can she deny Yuliana? "I can hardly turn you away... I would never."
A beat, "Very well. I will remain here. And I will leave the matter of your commanders where I have left it already, since it is so important to you."
Yes. That seems fine.
"You are not alone. Not so long as I am here."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Dispersal has posed.
"Darling..." Yuliana sighs, and she's happy, she's happy, letting Elisa's words wash over her. Tightly she clings to her, with her, and she is not alone. She nestles her face at her neck, under one of those pointed ears, and hugs her close.
It's some moments before the deeper meaning of Elisa's reassurances make their way to Yuliana's consciousness -- and perhaps she can feel it, the sharp little intake of breath, the way her heart beats a little more quickly.
Yuliana straightens enough to look Elisa in the eyes, and hers, green as jealousy, are troubled. "Where... where have you left the matter, Elya?" She asks -- is afraid to ask.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
It is so nice! But then Elisa feels a sharper breath and she wonders what it might be. "Hm...?"
Elisa blinks, as if it is a strange question to be asked, but after a moment she smiles. She will indulge this strange question, after all. How could she not?
"Only the one responsible needed to go. The rest I have left in place, and will continue to leave in place, since you ask."
Smile.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Dispersal has posed.
"The one... responsible?" Yuliana's fragility is communicated in a new axis entirely, now, the uncomprehending knit of her brow, the fall of her parted lips.
She is afraid; she does not smile.
"Wh...what have you done?"
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
It is a new axis!
What Elisa thinks is, as always, a mystery. Rarely as demonstrative or open as Yuliana can be, there is no special sense that can penetrate her mind, no special insight to know. So Yuliana asks a question, and...
"Hm? Oh, the Lieutenant Colonel. He will no longer be issuing such... orders. I have seen to that."
"Anyone who threatens you in this way is unworthy of a greater fate."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Dispersal has posed.
There's something stuck in Yuliana's throat; she swallows, against it, but the horrible feeling is still lodged there. She turns her face away, and down, fingers curling in Elisa's cloth.
"Elisa," she says, as if they're in public, "you're scaring me. You... you can't... simply decide who in my life lives or dies... you're not the sole arbiter of my existence." Her eyes squeeze shut; her breath comes more laboured, through her lips. "I didn't want him to die. You didn't even ask me!"
Her breath hitches -- she cries, she is crying, despite the care evident in Elisa's words. "Didn't you think -- what I wanted might differ?! Oh, no one tells me anything! I'm so sick of being controlled and directed! What, is it for my own good?! Is it?! Don't you think I know what's good for me?! Ahh, no wonder I'm under suspicion now! They must surely think I killed him..!"
Yuliana is upset -- sounds upset, in any case, shoulders trembling, tears trembling her words. If she felt otherwise, who could tell?
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa tilts her head when Yuliana says she is scaring her, all confusion and bewilderment. "But they don't matter," she says, as if that explains everything. And it should! But what she wants... she is crying, now, and what she is thinking...
"Hmmm. So it is an inconvenient solution?" Elisa wonders. "Well, I was only trying to help. No, I did not think that you wished someone who would throw you away to continue living."
"Would you prefer that next time I leave it to you to destroy him? It is hard to hold back from helping you, but I know that you value your work."
"But do not worry. They will find no evidence linking you to this thing that you did not do." She thinks, a little longer. "Is there anyone else you would prefer to have live that we have not discussed? I did not realize he was important to you."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Dispersal has posed.
Yuliana listens to Elisa's confusion, with a sinking sense of dread. "Th...throw me away?" Yuliana sinks more physically, as she finally settles on a question, before she shakes her head. "No, no! How can you expect me to simply give you a list?! Am I to think of the ramifications of each death in advance? Can you not see the consequences with your own eyes? Elisa!"
If reality is a painful thing, what does that say about the people who are real?
(What does that say about her?)
"If... if Command starts dying... we organise ourselves from the top down," Yuliana tries to explain, breath halting. "People will notice, if my superiors die around me! Even if there's no hard evidence! And -- and how could I -- I'd be a wound to my own people, I'd hurt the Republic..." Yuliana would, despite the fact it's Elisa, acting. Perhaps it's in the way she still hasn't managed to disentangle herself, even now she's upset.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
"That was what it seemed to me he was attempting to do. It will not stand. I will not have it." But then a pause. The consequences... Elisa considers that. Reality is painful; the people who are real are important. But if Command starts dying...
"Really," Elisa says, "If he's making decisions as ill-considered as that, he's hardly useful to your people. But I do see your point. If we make a habit of it, I can see where it would be a problem."
"But how am I to ensure your safety if I do not act? I suppose I could do so with somewhat more restraint..."
"You weren't in a position to solve the matter on your own; if I hadn't intervened they'd have done more terrible things to you."
"But I suppose..." She considers. "Very well. I will endeavour to solve matters non-lethally. Is that better?"
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Dispersal has posed.
"You're not the one who has to live with it!" Yuliana snaps, when Elisa refuses to stand for Prem's crimes. But she deflates, a little; quiets, a little.
Her safety...
Yuliana swallows, again; huddles against Elisa, again. "Thank you," she mumbles, all the fight fleeing her words, and oh, she feels wretched. "That's... all I can ask..." As if Elisa solving matters is simply a given which can't possibly change.
Her fingers ball together, in Elisa's dress. "You were terribly worried for me, weren't you?" Yuliana ventures, sotto voce. "I'm sorry... it must have been hard for you too, Elya. You only wanted to protect me..."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa frowns, when Yuliana snaps at her. It is not quite hurt, but it is not anger--it is... something. A subtle thing. She does not Like it. However...
"You are welcome," Elisa says, mollified, when Yuliana thanks her. And she asks about that worry, and Elisa... Ah. It is true.
"Terribly worried. They sent you to a far-off mission, and it was so dangerous, and that man was there, along with so many others, and you come back to me in this condition, and they were going to do all sorts of other things..."
"I will be more careful. But I worry so for you. You are the only one I care for, Yuliana."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Dispersal has posed.
Oh, she's always had trouble controlling herself.
Yuliana's hand slips up, from Elisa's shoulder, to cup her cheek, as she rests the side of her head against hers. "Oh, Elya," she murmurs, "it's all right... I'm all right, see..? I'm right here..."
Right here, a world away, deep in a yawning and unreachable chasm. Her mind is as a Faraday cage; nothing leaks out, nothing gets in.
No wonder she has to say it out loud.
"I didn't know," she says, as if it's an excuse. "What... what did they mean to do, Elya?" She's hesitant to ask; she still doesn't view herself the way her Republic does, despite the fact this Institute sprung up around her.
She's an ongoing experiment.
No wonder Yuliana is sensitive to her feelings being dismissed.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
"...Yes," she says, "You are here." It is almost as if Yuliana has only just confirmed that fact, as if she might have moments ago been very, very far away. But this contact is real; it is understandable. And...
"You were to be reconditioned," she says. "I did not harm the one they intended to do it," she says. "She had not harmed you yet. And I will keep in mind your wishes. But.."
"They would have... harmed your mind, I think."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Dispersal has posed.
"Ah..." Yuliana's tone falls, fingers curling against Elisa's cheek. She is struck, for a moment, by the enormity of normality, how impossible it is to explain.
"Yes, it's..." She starts, she stops, she starts again. "Dr. Tian isn't an unkind woman. She isn't... rough," and the fact that Yuliana has to assure Elisa of that says so much more than she does. "But if something is disrupting me unduely, it is... addressed. I'm... an unstable woman, and pharmaceuticals can only go so far. My psychological rehabilitation is ongoing, is how they put it in my notes, I think..." She's not even too far off.
Of course, she's missed the part where her prognosis is poor. No one expects her to ever be mentally well, even by the REA's standards.
Yuliana sounds miserable, as she explains. "Oh, they call it counselling, but... I know what they meant to do. It doesn't hurt," she assures Elisa, though she very much sounds like she's hurting. "Really, it's mostly about addressing my negative feelings... finding ways to explain it. It's just a lot of talking... of course, I know words are hardly just words in the right situation, but I'm hardly strapped down to a chair or anything."
These days.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
How very normal! How very normal indeed.
"That's good," Elisa says, mollified as regards her forbearance in not destroying her utterly. Addressing... Hmmm. "Ongoing," she says. "Yes, I understand."
She imagines there is more to the story than that, not least being the fact that they are probably not nearly so nice about it as Yuliana thinks.
"I see... Well! We've handled that." It does sound like hurting. "With no... chair-tying necessary," she says, wrinkling her nose in displeasure at that prospect. "Of course, it's fine. If you ever need to talk, you can simply talk to me!"
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Dispersal has posed.
Not nearly so nice as Yuliana says they are, anyway.
(She's still trying to protect her people.)
Have they handled it..? Elisa... sounds confident enough about that, Yuliana supposes. Her hand drops, from her cheek, to curl at the fabric of her shoulder. "I... I wish I could just talk to you," Yuliana sighs, head resting on Elisa's other shoulder. "With you, I can... I can relax. But, whenever I'm over here, it always feels like I'm being taken apart..."
Figuratively, not literally.
For now.
"But I don't know... that the doctors would accept it... the Major, either," Yuliana murmurs, still bothered by what they think. "I suppose they expect... new data from me, since they sent me out against so many Awakened... oh, Elya," she whines, fingers tightening; she sniffles.
"I'm... I'm just a, a thing they created... to fight Newtypes... I'm not even human any more, am I..? That's why my parents were content to leave me with a xenoneurologist... t-that's why the Major's fine with reconditioning me... I..." She's upset, again. She's upset, she's crying, she's emotional.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
One day, she'll wonder why she had to protect anyone from Elisa! Ever!
:)
But for now, Elisa does sound confident. Yuliana thinks that they wouldn't accept that... and Elisa considers. She is trying to balance Yuliana's desires with what's best. But over here...
"New data..." Elisa considers, still. She is always considering today, it would seem. "Well, if you insist on seeing someone else..." Elisa pauses, and cuts off. She mentions a 'thing'...
"Now, now," Elisa says, and lifts a hand up to Yuliana's face. "Your parents were content because they could see your resolve! If they didn't still think of you as human, then they wouldn't care so much about children, yes?"
But the Major...
"The Major, well. Perhaps that is how he thinks of it. But what is so good about 'human'? We are greater. We are not 'just' anything. We are beyond them, the next step."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Dispersal has posed.
"I... I don't know," is all Yuliana can muster, about whether she should see another doctor. She spoke like she knew what was good for her, but does she, really?
She doesn't know.
But she lifts her gaze to look to Elisa, when she feels that hand at her damp cheek; touched, she is touched, and she leans her face into that darker hand, eyes drifting closed in her trust and affection.
The Major... Elisa can't assure her he views her in any kind way, but she has a different assurance, instead. The next step... doesn't she believe that, really, in her heart of hearts?
Why else would Yuliana accuse Amuro Ray of being a false prophet?
"We're... beyond them..." She murmurs through a veiled gaze, repeats it, buries the words beneath her skin. "Yes. We are..."
I AM THAT I AM THAT I AM THAT I AM THAT I AM THAT I AM, she has defaced the walls of her isolation tank, all on the inside, in the place no one can see. I AM THAT I AM THAT I AM THAT I AM
that
i
am
"We are that we are," Yuliana murmurs, turning her face to place a kiss on Elisa's palm. "You and I."
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
She doesn't know. Well, that's fine! She'll figure it out. Elisa smiles adoringly for a moment. But only a moment; she is far more serious at this matter, at this horrible matter of 'humanity'.
No, she senses no kindness in these relationships. But something else...
There is a hunger.
"Yes," Elisa answers, the witch answers.
"We are that we are."